20 Best Jeffrey Jones Quotes

Skip: [looking at photos of Red October which show the doors in the front and back of the sub] I'll be... this... this could be a caterpillar.
Jack: A what?
Skip: Uh, a caterpillar drive. Magneto hydrodynamic propulsion. You follow?
Jack: No.
Skip: It's like a... a jet engine for the water. Goes in the front, gets squirted out the back. Only it has no moving parts, so it's very, very quiet.
Jack: Like how quiet?
Skip: It's doubtful our sonar would even pick it up. And if it did, it'd sound like... whales humping or some kind of seismic anomaly. Anything but a submarine. We messed with this a couple years ago. Couldn't make it work. They really built this? This isn't a mock-up or anything?
Jack: She put to sea this morning.
Skip: When I was twelve, I helped my daddy build a bomb shelter in our basement because some fool parked a dozen warheads 90 miles off the coast of Florida. This thing could park a couple of hundred warheads off Washington and New York and no one would know anything about it until it was all over.

Detective: They say confession's good for the soul. You wanna tell me why you sent me those letters?
Vinnie: You've taken one too many shots to the head, Bullock. What letters?
Detective: Listen, scumface, I don't feel like playin' games. I got a pile of paperwork, and Internal Affairs is all over me like a cheap suit. So spill it!
Vinnie: What are you gonna do, send me to jail? I'm tellin' ya, I don't know what you're talkin' about!

[a baseball game is on television]
Ed: What's the score?
Pizza: Nothin' nothin'.
Ed: [not really listening] Who's winning?
Pizza: The Bears.

Ed: Ed Rooney.
Cameron: [disguising voice as George Peterson] Ed. This is George Peterson.
Ed: How are you today, sir?
Cameron: [voice disguised] Well, we've had a bit of bad luck this morning as you may have heard.
Ed: Yeah I heard, and man, I'm all broken up, boy, what a blow.
Cameron: [disguised] Yeah. Yeah. Well, uh, it's been a tough morning and we got a lot of family business to take care of, so if you wouldn't mind excusing Sloane, I'd appreciate it.
Ed: Uh, yeah, sure, no I'd be happy to, yeah you, uh, you you just produce a corpse, and uh, I'll release Sloane. I wanna see this dead grandmother first hand.
Grace: Ed?
Ed: It's alright, Grace, it's Ferris Bueller the little twerp. I'm gonna set a trap and let him fall right in it.
Grace: Ooh!
Cameron: [disguised] I'm sorry, Ed, did you say you wanted to see a body?
Ed: Yeah, that's right, just, uh, roll her old bones on over here, and I'll dig up your daughter. You know that's school policy.
Cameron: [disguised] Oh.
Ed: Was this your mother?
Cameron: [disguised] Uh, no my wife's mother.
Grace: [picks up ringing phone] Ed Rooney's office.
Ferris: Hi this is Ferris Bueller, can I speak to Mr. Rooney please? Thank you.
Grace: [caught off-guard] Uh... hold.
Ed: Tell ya what, dipshit. If you don't like my policies you can come on down here and smooch my big ole' white butt.
Grace: ED!
Ed: Pucker up butter-cup.
[to Grace]
Ed: What?
Grace: Ferris Bueller's on line 2.

Emperor: My dear young man, don't take it too hard. Your work is ingenious. It's quality work. And there are simply too many notes, that's all. Just cut a few and it will be perfect.
Wolfgang: Which few did you have in mind, Majesty?

[reading The Handbook for the Living and the Dead]
Charles: This thing reads like stereo instructions.
[Harry Belafonte's "Shake Shake Senora" plays in the background]
Charles: Oh, sounds like Lydia got an "A" on the math test.
[a head sculpture of the Betelgeuse snake appears next to him]
Charles: Jeez!
[Charles falls out of his chair. Delia pulls the sculpture up and smiles]
Delia: He likes it.

Otho: [while Lydia shows them the attic] Fabulous. 'Otho Fenlock's Locked Door Ghosts' Probably committed suicide up there. I'm totally enchanted.
Delia: They're in there? They must live like animals.
Charles: It's locked. How'd they get in?
Delia: [bangs on the door] Open this door, you dead people, or we'll bust it down and we'll drag you out by the ropes you hang yourselves with!
Lydia: Shh! They didn't commit suicide.
Delia: It doesn't matter. Lydia, I have a chance to teach you something here: you have got to take the upper hand in all situations or people, whether they're dead or alive, will walk all over you.

Skip: When I was twelve, I helped my daddy build a bomb shelter in our basement because some fool parked a dozen warheads 90 miles off the coast of Florida. Well, this thing could park a coupla hundred warheads off Washington and New York and no one would know anything about it till it was all over.

[Bullock's stalker is finally unmasked - his apartment super]
Det. Harvey Bullock: Nivens?
Nivens: Why wouldn't you move? Why wouldn't you get out?
Det. Harvey Bullock: You wrote me those letters?
Nivens: Do you have any idea what your apartment is worth these days?
Det. Harvey Bullock: You wanted my apartment? You mean, this whole thing was about rent control?
Nivens: No, no, no! I wanted you gone! You're not a tenant, you're a pestilence! You insult me, you treat me like dirt! NO JURY IN THE WORLD WOULD HAVE CONVICTED ME!
[starts laughing hysterically]
Nivens: They wouldn't have convicted me!

Charles: As soon as we get settled, we'll build you a darkroom in the basement, okay?
Lydia: My whole life is a dark room. One big dark room.
Delia: So you were miserable in New York City, and now you're going to be miserable out here in the sticks. At least someone's life hasn't been upheaved.

[the Emperor offers the sheet music of Salieri's welcome march to Mozart]
Wolfgang: Keep it Majesty, if you want. It's already here in my head.
Emperor: What? On one hearing only?
Wolfgang: I think so, Sire, yes.
Emperor: Show us.

Ed: I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind.

Nivens: [seeing the mud Bullock has trailed inside] There's a doormat outside, Mr. Bullock.
Detective: Really? I thought you were the doormat around here, Nivens.
Nivens: [Bullock throws a used toothpick at him] Icch!
Detective: Don't crowd me, dork, or I'll wipe my feet on you.
Nivens: Take out your garbage once in a while. Your apartment stinks! I won't have roaches in my building! And turn the heat down when you're out all day!
Detective: [ignoring him] Happy holidays, Nivens.

[hearing a fake phone message]
Sloane: [crying on machine] We can't come to the phone right now. We've had a... death in the family.
Ed: Grace, Ferris Bueller is behind this. There is no doubt in my mind, and now, he's got Sloane Peterson involved in this thing.
Grace: Her grandmother, too.
Ed: You pinhead.
Sloane: [sobbing] If you need to reach us, we'll be at the following number...
[sobbing becomes hysterical and over the top]

Emperor: Brava, madame! You are an ornament to our stage.
Katerina: [smiling happily] Your Majesty!

- Listen, you guys, these ghosts are really nice people.
- I think we scared them away, so let's just leave them alone, all right?
- It's the whole damn town.
- I have never been so embarrassed.
- They haven't gone for good, have they?
- Hmm.
Charles: Beep, beep.
- Dad, don't. Mom, let's just go.

[Ferris kisses Sloan passionately while posing as her father]
Ed: So THAT's how it is in their family...

Wolfgang: Forgive me, Majesty. I am a vulgar man! But I assure you, my music is not.
Emperor: You are passionate, Mozart, but you do not persuade...

Ed: Les jeux sont faits. Translation: the game is up. Your ass is mine.

[On the phone]
Ed: Are you also aware, Mrs. Bueller, that Ferris does not have what we consider to be an exemplary attendance record?
Katie: I don't understand.
Ed: He has missed an unacceptable number of school days. In the opinion of this educator, Ferris is not taking his academic growth seriously. Now I've spent my morning examining his records. If Ferris thinks that he can just coast through this month and still graduate, he is sorely mistaken. I have no reservations whatsoever about holding him back another year.
Katie: This is all news to me.
Ed: It usually is. So far this semester he has been absent nine times.
Katie: Nine times?
Ed: Nine times.
Katie: I don't remember him being sick nine times.
Ed: That's probably because he wasn't sick. He was skipping school. Wake up and smell the coffee, Mrs. Bueller. It's a fool's paradise. He is just leading you down the primrose path.
Katie: I can't believe it.
Ed: I've got it right here in front of me. He has missed nine days...
[His computer screen begins counting down from nine to two. Ferris is at home looking at the same screen]
Ferris: I asked for a car, I got a computer. How's that for being born under a bad sign?