30 Best Greg Focker Quotes

Denny: You just sniffing my boxers, man?
Greg: No, dude

Jack: Is your name Gaylord Focker, yes or no?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Are you a male nurse?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Are you a pothead?
Greg: No.
Jack: Have you ever smoked pot?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Did you spray-paint the tail of a cat to pass him off as Mr. Jinx?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Did you do that because you desperately were seeking my approval?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Because you love my daughter Pam?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Do you want to marry her?
[Greg says nothing]
Jack: Do you want to marry her?
Greg: I did... till I met you.
Jack: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Greg: O dear God, thank you. You are such a good God to us. A kind and gentle and accommodating God. And we thank You O sweet, sweet Lord of hosts for the smörgåsbord You have so aptly lain at our table this day, and each day... by day. Day by day... by day. O dear Lord, three things we pray: To love Thee more dearly, to see Thee more clearly, to follow Thee more nearly day by day... by day. Amen.

Bob: What is that smell?
Jack: That smell, Bob, is our shit. Focker flushed the toilet in the den so the septic tank overflowed.
Greg: I told you, Jack, it wasn't me. It was Jinx.
Jack: Focker, I'm not going to tell you again! Jinx cannot flush the toilet. He's a cat for Christ sakes!
Larry: The animal doesn't even have thumbs, Focker.

Norm: I got a plane full of people saying you threatened that stewardess.
Greg: I was not threatening her. I was just trying to get my bag into the overhead storage thing...
Norm: You were acting like a maniac and you threatened her with a bomb.
Greg: No, I said I didn't have a bomb.
Norm: But you said bomb.
Greg: I said, "It's not like I have a bomb".
Norm: You said "Bomb" on an airplane.
Greg: What's wrong with saying 'Bomb' on an airplane?
Norm: You can't say 'Bomb' on an airplane!
Greg: Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb. You gonna arrest me? Bomb bomb bomb bomb! During the war I was a BOMBadier!
Norm: You assaulted an airline employee and I oughta put you away for years!

Jack: I'm a realist. I understand it's the 21st century and you've probably had premarital relations with my daughter. But under our roof, it's my way or the Long Island Expressway. Is that understood?
Greg: Of course, yeah.
Jack: Good. Keep your snake in it's cage for 72 hours.

Dina: I had no idea you could milk a cat!
Greg: Oh, you can milk just about anything with nipples.
Jack: [He reacts] I have nipples, Greg, could you milk me?

Greg: Don't worry about your little covert op, I'll keep it on the low down.
Denny: Down low.
Greg: No doubt.

Jack: Greg's in medicine too.
Bob: What field?
Greg: Nursing.
Bob: Ha ha ha ha. No, really, what field are you in?
Greg: Nursing.

[Jack's Poem]
Jack: "My Mother", by Jack Byrnes. You gave me life / You gave me milk / You gave me courage / Your name was Angela / The angel from Heaven / But you were also an angel of God / And He needed you, too / Selfishly I tried to keep you here / While the cancer ate away your organs, / Like an unstoppable rebel force / But I couldn't save you / and I shall see your face nevermore, nevermore, nevermore / Until we meet in heaven.
Pam: Dad, that's beautiful.
Dina: It always gets me.
Greg: That's amazing, so much love, and also so much information.

Jack: What are you driving there? Ford?
Greg: Yeah it's a Taurus. Yeah, we were going to get a mid-size, but I figure, hey, we pull down decent bucks. Might as well go all out, and pop for the full-size.
Jack: Sure. Interesting color. You pick it?
Greg: Oh, no, the guy at the counter. Why?
Jack: Well, they say geniuses pick green. But you didn't pick it.

Jack: Greg, nobody's expecting much out of you so if I set you up with the ball, you think you could jump up and spike it?
Greg: Yeah. I'd have to be pretty high, but yeah.
Jack: I bet you would, Panama Red.

Pam: Take it easy on the sarcasm. Humor is entirely wasted on my parents.
Greg: What are they... Amish?

Late: Gaylord M. Focker?
Greg: That's me.
Jack: I thought your name was Greg.
Greg: It is.
Late: That's not what it says here.
Greg: Gaylord is my legal name. Nobody's called me by it since third grade.
Denny: Wait a minute, so your name is Gay Focker?

Dina: Now Greg, you have a very unique last name. Um, we were curious, how do you pronounce it?
Greg: Oh, just like it's spelled. F-O-C-K-E-R.
Dina: F-Focker.
Jack: Hmm, Focker. Hmm.

[last lines]
Greg: You have another question? Sure, I got one question for you. It's CAN YOU DEAL WITH THAT?

Greg: I love your daughter, Jack. I love her more than anything. But frankly sir, I'm a little terrified of being your son-in-law. This whole weekend has given me a lot of doubts about whether or not I could even survive in your family. I think you've got some serious issues.
Jack: [sighs] If I lighten up, would you consider marrying my daughter?
Greg: Would you lighten up *a lot*?
Jack: [unsure] Yeah.
Greg: Yes or no?
Jack: Yes.
Greg: Would you let me and Pam live our lives and not interfere all the time?
Jack: I promise not to interfere in your lives *all* the time.
Greg: Will you stop making fun of me for being a nurse?
Jack: Could you at least try, maybe, to consider another profession?
Greg: Jack, yes or no?
Jack: Ever?
Greg: No!
Jack: Okay, yes.
Greg: Would you let me and Pam sleep in the same room?
Jack: Don't push it, Focker! You're in a real mess.

Greg: [In the car looking for Mr. Jinx] Hey Jinx, Mew, mew, mew. Supposed to let him wander the streets without food, water or toilet, fucker.

[Greg is trying to fit his large bag into the overhead bin]
Flight: I'm sorry, sir, you're gonna have to check that.
Greg: I got it.
Flight: No, I'm sorry, that bag won't fit.
Greg: No, no, I'm not - hey, I'm not checking my bag, okay?
Flight: There's no need to raise your voice, sir.
Greg: I'm not raising my voice. THIS WOULD BE RAISING MY VOICE TO YOU, okay? I don't want to check my bag, okay? And, by the way, your airline? You SUCK at checking bags, okay, because I already did that once and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me, okay?
Flight: Well, I can assure you that your bag will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage...
Greg: Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Huh? Are you physically going to take my bag and put it beneath the plane? Are you going to go right now outside, with the guys with the earmuffs, and go put it in there?
Flight: No...
Greg: No? Okay, then shut your piehole and listen to me when I say that I am FINISHED with the checking-of-the-bags CONVERSATION.

[Greg is sitting in the dark. Pam walks in to check on him]
Pam: What's the matter sweetie? Can't sleep?
Greg: No, no. I was just going over my answers to the polygraph test your dad just gave me.

Kevin: There he is. Okay, G-Man, we've got swordfish and we've got salmon, what'll it be?
Greg: How 'bout a little of both, K-Dog, I'm pretty hungry.
Jack: I think they call that the 'munchies'.

Jack: Did you flush this toilet?
Greg: Maybe... You know what, maybe Jinx flushed it. I saw little Jinxy in there last night and he took a squatted... relieved himself.
Jack: Jinx knows not to use that toilet and even if he did, he'd never flush it.
Greg: What does it matter?
Jack: The matter, Greg RN, is that when this toilet is flushed, it runs, and when you have a septic tank that's nearly full and a toilet that's been running all night, then you could have a hell of a problem.

Greg: Oh, oh check my pulse on this one, Jack. Do I think you're a psycho? Yes.

Greg: Does he hook all your boyfriends up to his little machine?
Pam: Well, he doesn't need a machine. He's a human lie detector.
Greg: What?
Pam: Greg, my father was never in the rare flower business. That was just his cover. He was in the C.I.A. for 34 years.
Greg: How could you not tell me this?
Pam: I wanted to, honey, but it was strictly on a "need-to-know" basis.
Greg: So, what? He's in the C.I.A.? He was a spy? He is a spy?
Pam: No, he was more like a psychological profiler. They used him to interrogate suspected double agents in the company.
Greg: Oh yea. That's great. I was scared of your dad back when I thought he was a florist. It's wonderful to know that I've actually got a C.I.A. spy-hunter on my ass.

Jack: [Jack is giving Greg a polygraph test] Did you fly on an airplane today?
Greg: Yes, I did.
Jack: No peeking. Did we eat potroast for dinner tonight?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Was it under-cooked?
Greg: No, it was rare.
[polygraph starts spiking]
Greg: It was a little rare for my taste.
Jack: I'm just kidding
[chuckles]
Jack: [Greg laughs nervously] Relax. Relax. The needles are jumping.
[long pause]
Jack: Have you ever watched pornographic videos?
Greg: No. I mean, well, I don't...
Jack: Yes or no?

Jack: Greg's a male nurse.
Greg: Yes. Thank you, Jack.
Kevin: Wow, that's great. I'd love to find time to do some volunteer work. Just the other day I saw a golden retriever, he had like a gimp, ya know I just wish I could have done something.
Greg: Yeah, well I get paid too so it's sort of an everyone wins thing.

Jack: Greg, how come you don't like cats?
Greg: I don't not like cats. I-I just - I just prefer dogs. I mean, I'm just more of a dog kind of, you know. Come home, wagging their little tails, happy to see you kind of...
Jack: You need that assurance, do you? You prefer an emotionally shallow animal?
Greg: I...
Jack: You see, Greg, when you yell at a dog, his tail will go between his legs and cover his genitals, his ears will go down. A dog is very easy to break, but cats make you work for their affection. They don't sell out the way dogs do.

Greg: [in the car listening to "Puff the Magic Dragon"] Who would've thought it wasn't really about a dragon, huh?
Jack: What do you mean?
Greg: You know, the whole drug thing?
Jack: No, I don't know. Why don't you tell me?
Greg: Some people think that to "puff the magic dragon" means to- They're really, uh - to smoke - to smoke - a marijuana cigarette.
Jack: Puff's just the name of the boy's magical dragon.
Greg: Right.
Jack: Are you a pothead, Focker?
Greg: No! No. What? No, no, no, no, Jack. No, I'm - I'm not - I - I pass on grass all the time. I mean, not all the time.
Jack: Yes or no, Greg?
Greg: No. Yes. No.

Greg: It's beautiful... what is it?
Kevin: It's an altar; or you might call it a HHH... Chupah?

Flight: Sir, we have a policy on this airline that if a bag is this large we take...
Greg: okay you know what, take you scrubby little paws *off* my bag, okay? It's not like I have a bomb in here. It's not like I wanna blow up the plane. I just want to store my bag according to your safety regulations.
Flight: Sir, sir!
Greg: Hey, hey, If you would take a second, take the little sticks out of your head, clean out your ears, and maybe you would see that I'm a person who has feelings, and all I have to do is do what I wanna do and all I want to do is hold on to my bag and not listen to you! And the only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here right now and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers, okay? If you can get it from my kung-fu grip then you can come and have it, okay? Otherwise, step off, bitch.