30 Best Joe Dubois Quotes

Marie: [Allison dreams of teacher about to be shot by a student he cries out but instead of his voice Marie's comes out instead] MOMMY? MOMMY?
Marie: [Allison wakes up and still hears her daughter's voice] MOMMY/
Joe: What is it a bad dream?
Marie: [Marie climbs into their bed] Mommy
Joe: [on seeing his daughter in their bed] Oh my goodness this is a bad dream

Allison: Psychic with a bad sense of time.
Joe: Do you remember where you live?
Allison: Hmm, I'm seeing a house. I'm seeing a guy in his underwear. I'm seeing lots of dishes in the sink.
Joe: It's amazing how you do that.

Ariel: Daddy?
Joe: Yes?
Ariel: I don't understand. I'm in the sixth grade. Why am I going to bed the same time as a first grader?
Bridgette: Hey, it's not my fault I'm in first grade, I got born late!

[Joe and Ariel are both trying to talk to Allison at once]
Ariel: This is completely unfair! I had her first, Dad.
Joe: No, point in fact, I had her first or else you wouldn't be here.

Allison: [they're in bed] Here's the weird thing
Joe: You can't possibly say that with a straight face

Joe: Call Maury Povich - tell him I'm ready for my close-up.

[Allison is hunting for her keys]
Joe: Keys? I would think even to get a psychic learner's permit you'd have to be able to find a lost set of...
Allison: [holding them] Keys?

Allison: Hey, is that says J. heart A.?
Joe: Is that what that says? Huh. I have no idea who'd done that.
Allison: You liar.
[Grabs his head lovingly]
Allison: Give me a kiss.
Joe: What if I don't?
Allison: Well, I might call the cops you little vandal.
Joe: I hate this. I hate the way you use me.
Allison: Oh, shut up and kiss.
[They kiss]
Allison: Mm. That was pretty good. I think you're safe for now.
Joe: Oh, thank godness cause I'm out of clean underwear and I hate the idea of going to the big house on dirty shorts.
[Allison laughs]
Joe: I hate what they've got to say about you.
Allison: You're always that romantic, Joe Dubois.

Allison: Who's the old lady with the funny hat in the boat?
Joe: Oh no. You don't get to do that.

Allison: Where is everybody?
Joe: Well, let's see. Ariel is at Hannah's...
Joe: [after Allison gives him confused look] Oh, did I mention I'm taking you to Mexico for your birthday?

Allison: How can you say that?
Joe: I move my lips, I push out air. There's nothing to it.

Allison: I just had a weird dream...
Joe: Of course you did. It's a day ending in "Y".

Allison: It's 9:00. How am I supposed to know you're OK? How do I know you're not lying dead somewhere?
Joe: If something had happened, somebody would've called. If I were dead, who are we kidding, you'd be the first to know.

[Allison and Joe are asleep when the phone rings]
Joe: It's Two-twenty in the morning, this ought to be illegal. I got it.
[Answering phone]
Joe: Yeah.
Oliver: May I please talk to your wife?
Joe: It's a kid. Who is this? How old are you? Do you know what time it is?
Oliver: It's 20 minutes after two. Will you hand the phone to your wife, please?
Joe: No, no, as a matter of fact, I will not. It's the middle of the night and she's in bed, which is where somebody your age ought to be. Now, if you call here again, I'm contacting your parents. Trust me, you'll wish you'd never been born.
[Hangs up phone]
Allison: What did he say?
Joe: I don't know, he said he wanted to talk to you.
[Phone rings again and Joe answers it]
Joe: Yes?
Oliver: I really don't have any parents. And I already wish I'd never been born. So, if you don't mind, may I please speak with your wife?

Karen: [Joe is having lunch with and talking to an old acquaintance, research fellow, Karen about her wanting a job in Aerodytech. She is asking him to put in a word for her] But even if someone like you weighs in on my behalf? Don't you think they'll meet me?
Joe: Uhm, I don't know.
Karen: Isn't it at least worth a try? I mean how fantastic would that be, working together again, rubbing elbows, pulling all-nighters.
Joe: [Karen touches Joe's leg under the table] What are you doing, Karen?
Karen: I'm closing, Joe. I'm closing.
Joe: Well, stop. Look, I am flattered by your proposal, both proposals, but frankly, you're not qualified for either position. The first one is clearly way above your head educationally, and the second one is permanently filled by someone who knows more about physics than you and me combined. Enjoy your fish.

Allison: Hey, I know you. Didn't you use to be my husband? We used to do things together. Like, I don't know, go to community meetings about sex offenders who lived on our block.
Joe: You know? When you've gone to one sex offender meeting, you've been to them all.
Allison: [They kiss] Ugh, you smell like alcohol.
Joe: And you smell like Allison.
[Allison laughs]
Allison: [Joe tried to kiss her again, she puses him back] Have you been drinking?
Joe: [laughing slightly drunk] With my boss. We did some eating too, and a lot of talking. I think I'm his new crush.

Bridgette: Don't let her chop my head off!
Joe: Chop your head off?
[to Allison]
Joe: You bringing your work home with you again?

Joe: Ever since you made the decision not to go to law school, to go to work for the D.A. as a consultant, I don't know, you seem kinda...
Allison: Bitchy? Cranky? Pissed off?
Joe: You can read minds.

Joe: I still have my pity party decorations, you wanna borrow some?

Joe: Todd Emory? I'm talking to you.
Joe: We haven't met, but I'm the landlord. I'm serving you with an eviction notice.
Joe: You've been warned.

Joe: Cockadoodle doo.
Allison: Cockadoodle who?
Joe: Nevermind, I take that back, it's way too early for this kind of talk. Do you know that it's barely five o'clock?

Joe: So what about this sleeping thing... you game? You wanna give it a shot?

Allison: Ow!
[pulls a portable phone out of couch cushions]
Joe: Wow. You one of those people who can talk out of their ass?
Allison: It's not funny.
Joe: It's kind of funny.

Allison: So, how are the girls?
Joe: Happy, eating pizza
Allison: Pizza! What about my lasagne?
Joe: I'm just hazarding a guess here but, when you said 15 minutes, you meant the oven oven, right?, not the microwave

Joe: [after having been approached by a corporate headhunter] ... Turns out I'm a "green" engineer and didn't even know it!
Allison: [laughs] I don't care what color engineer you are, as long as you're a happy engineer.

Dist. Atty. Manuel Devalos: Your wife's a hero, Joe.
Joe: I know that... I've always known that.

Joe: [Having found Allison in the garage, just sitting behind the wheel of her car] What're you doing out here?
Allison: You're not gonna believe this but I had a crazy dream.
Joe: [deadpan] You don't say.

Allison: Let me ask you a question: is it completely hypocritical of me to be scared to death of the possibility of your mother living near us, while at the same time calling you at work to say do you think it would be okay if I left her with the kids for a little while, while I go to meet somebody in about half an hour?
Joe: Yes, it's completely hypocritical. And I think you should do it.

Allison: He looks pretty good, don't you think?
Joe: For a functional alcoholic - absolutely. You know he's still out there drinking by himself?
Allison: Wow, who died and appointed you the mayor of Funville?

Joe: Changing your name so that people won't hold what your father did against you, is that a crime?