Top 100 Quotes From Kingsman: The Secret Service

[Pretending that Merlin is his servant at Valentine's party]
Gary: Mycroft, you've just been promoted from my pilot to my valet.

- No, no, it does not feel good.
- It feels fucking awful.
- What? You just killed how many people in that church?
- This is one guy.
- No, no, they killed each other.
- Okay, send out the countdown clock.
- This party starts tomorrow.

- In Harry's honor...
- I am inviting you to be part of a new world.
- It's time to make your decision.
- I'd rather be with Harry.
- Thanks.
- So be it.

- Now, you can start giving me some names of the boys you were with... or you go down.
- It's up to you.
- I want to exercise my right to a phone call.
- Well, I hope it's to your mum... to tell her you're gonna be
- 18 months late for your dinner.

- Above the politics and bureaucracy... that undermine the integrity of government-run spy organizations.
- The suit is a modern gentleman's armor.
- And the Kingsman agents are the new knights.
- How deep does this fucking thing go?
- Deep enough.

Harry: What did you do to me? I had no control. I killed all those people.
[Valentine nods his head in agreement]
Harry: I wanted to.
Valentine: Clever, isn't it? In simple terms, it's a neurological wave that triggers the centers of aggression and switches off inhibitors.
Harry: Transmitted through your nasty free SIM cards, I assume.
Valentine: You know what this is like? It's like those old movies we both love. Now, I'm going to tell you my whole plan, and then I'm going to come up with some absurd and convoluted way to kill you, and you'll find an equally convoluted way to escape.
Harry: Sounds good to me.
Valentine: Well, this ain't that kind of movie.
[shoots Harry in the head]

- You just leave this church like the infidel you are!
- Satan cannot save you now!
- You will eat your babies.
- You will drown in the blood of the Lord!
- He will not save you!
- Holy fuck!
- Shit, I can't watch this. Get over here.

Waiter: Would sir care for a drink?
Gary: Martini. Gin, not vodka, obviously. Stirred for 10 seconds while glancing at an unopened bottle of vermouth. Thank you.

- And you, Lancelot.
- I'm so sorry.
- Mummy would never hurt you.
- Mummy would never hurt you.
- I'm so sorry.
- Are you okay?
- Harry would be proud of you, Eggsy.
- He was right.

- Gazelle!
- Gazelle!
- Come on! Come on!
- Kill him!
- Hey!

- Of course not!
- Yeah, that's it!
- Let's turn those frowns upside down.
- Eat, drink... and Pam'!
- And I will see you all in the new age.

- You'll need to deploy your missile just before that, okay?
- Edge of the atmosphere.
- And once you've deployed, you'll need to release for descent, fast.
- Good luck.
- -You can do this, okay?
- -Yeah.
- Eggsy, come on. Time is not our friend.

- Give me the gun.
- At least the girl's got balls.
- Get out.
- I knew you couldn't make it.
- Go home.
- Merlin, send in Roxy, please.

- Dickhead.
- Foxes are vermin, cuz.
- Should've driven it over.
- Should've done a lot of things.
- I'll sort this. Get out of the car.
- I said, get out of the fucking car!

- is it can also super heat their soft tissue at his command.
- Valentine selected his chosen few to get the countdown warning... but he had to be sure they didn't blab to the wrong people beforehand.
- How does this help us right now?
- It doesn't.
- Roxy, here we go!

- Looking good, Eggsy.
- Feeling good, Merlin.
- This is November-2-4-7-Charlie-Kilo... requesting permission to land.
- Permission is granted.
- Fuck me.

- Come on, come on, come on!
- J.B., come on! Come on!
- I'm not coming last because of you.
- J.B., I'll shoot you!
- Goddamn you, I'll fucking shoot you!
- Merlin said we're not allowed to hold you.
- Bollocks.

- It's like those fucking state school kids who get into Oxford on C grades... because their mum is a one-legged lesbian.
- You don't know fuck all about my grades.
- Forgive me,
- I'm sure you're highly educated.
- Fire when ready.
- How's that for positive discrimination?

- What's up, man?
- Is this the part where you say some really bad pun?
- Well, it's like you said to Harry.
- This ain't that kind of movie, bruv.
- Perfect.

Valentine: [showing a photo of Lancelot's corpse] Great, you don't know, the CIA don't know. Nobody knows who this guy is? Fine. Seriously, it's fine. Well, it's not really fine, but it's not why I'm here. Hell, man, you know me. Money's not my issue. I could've retired straight out of M.I.T., fucked off to some island and let the business run itself. Nobody told me to try and save the planet. I wanted to. Climate change research, lobbying, years of studying, billions of dollars, and you know why I quit? Because the last time I checked, the planet was still fucked. Hence, my epiphany. Money won't solve this. Those idiots that call themselves politicians have buried their heads in the sand and stood for nothing but re-election. So I spent the last two years trying to find a real solution. And I found it. Now, if you really wanna make the world a better place, I suggest you open your fucking ears, because I'm about to tell it to you.
President: Go on, Mr. Valentine. I'm still listening.
Valentine: As long as you agree to all my terms.

- Listen up.
- Your mission is to land in the target without the radar detecting you.
- If I read you on the radar, or you miss the target, you go home.
- Is that understood?
- Drop zone coming up, 20 seconds.
- We gotta go.

- Get down!
- You did it!
- The glass is not gonna hold long.
- You stay here.
- Merlin, quickly, how do I get up there?
- -Keep shooting, I'll find a route.
- -Understood.

- Oh, shit. Sound the alarm!
- I'm not taking any chances.
- Okay, you send out the two-minute warning.
- I'm starting the override.
- All right, let's do this.
- Countdown initiated.

Kingsman Tailor: Perfect timing. Gentleman's just finished.
[Valentine and Gazelle step out of Fitting Room 1]
Valentine: Mr. DeVere. What a coincidence. You are totally the reason I'm here. When you left my house, I was thirsting for that dope-ass smoking jacket you had on. And since I'm going to Royal Ascot, apparently you need one of these penguin suits. Here I am. What are you doing here?
[Valentine shakes hands with Eggsy]
Valentine: What's up, man? Richmond Valentine.
Harry: This is my new valet. I was just introducing him to my tailor.
Valentine: Another coincidence. So am I.
Harry: Did you have any chance to think further on my proposal?
Valentine: Most definitely. My people will be getting in touch with you very soon. I guarantee it.
Harry: A word of advice: Ascot requires top hat. I might suggest Lock & Co. Hatters, St. James.
Valentine: 'Lox', as in smoked fish?
Harry: As in 'locked up'.
Valentine: Oh. I have trouble understanding you people sometimes. You all talk so funny.

[Valentine notices the people in the party room looking gloomy]
Valentine: The fuck's wrong with them?
Gazelle: I don't know. Could be something to do with the mass genocide.
Valentine: Give me the mic.
[Gazelle hands Valentine a microphone. Valentine stands up]
Valentine: Hey all! Everybody listen up! What the fuck is wrong with you people? I just want to remind you all that today is a day of celebration. We must put aside all thoughts of death, and focus on birth. The birth of a new age. We mustn't mourn the ones who give their lives today. We should honor their sacrifice, and their role in saving the human race. We must put aside doubts and guilt. You are the chosen people. When folks tell their kids the story about Noah's Ark, is Noah the bad guy?
[Crowd says no]
Valentine: Is God the bad guy?
[Crowd says no]
Valentine: How about the animals marching two by two?
[Crowd says no]
Valentine: Of course not! Yeah, that's it! Let's turn those frowns upside down. Eat, drink, and paaaaarty!

- For fuck's sake.
- Merlin, remember those implants you said were of no use to us?
- Any chance you can turn them on?
- All right.
- My turn to play, Valentine.

[Hart and Eggsy approach the dressing room mirror]
Harry: What do you see?
Gary: Someone who wants to know what the fuck is going on.
Harry: I see a young man with potential. A young man who is loyal. Who can do as he is asked, and who wants to do something good with his life. Did you see the film 'Trading Places'?
Gary: No.
Harry: How about 'Nikita'?
[Eggsy shakes his head]
Harry: 'Pretty Woman'?
[Confused look on Eggsy's face]
Harry: Now, my point is that the lack of a silver spoon has set you on a certain path that you needn't stay on. If you're prepared to adapt and learn, you can transform.
Gary: Yeah, like in 'My Fair Lady'.
Harry: You're full of surprises. Yes, like in 'My Fair Lady'. And in this case, I'm offering you the opportunity to become a Kingsman.
Gary: A tailor?
Harry: A Kingsman agent.
Gary: Like a spy.
Harry: Of sorts. Interested?
Gary: You think I've got anything to lose?
[Hart places his hand on the mirror, which activates the elevator taking them to the secret tunnel]
Harry: Since 1849, Kingsman Tailors have clothed the world's most powerful individuals. In 1919, a great number of them had lost their heirs to World War I. That meant a lot of money going uninherited. And a lot of powerful men with the desire to preserve peace and protect life. Our founders realized that they could channel that wealth and influence for the greater good. And so began our adventure. An independent international intelligence agency operating at the highest level of discretion. Without the politics and bureaucracy that undermine the intelligence of government-run spy organisations. A suit is the modern gentleman's armour. And the Kingsman agents are the new knights.
Gary: How deep does this fucking thing go?
Harry: Deep enough.

- Come on!
- Roxy, it's now or never.
- Jump]

- We're gonna break the chain, stop the signal.
- It'll take him a couple of hours to reroute it... which buys us enough time for you to get me into Valentine's mainframe... so I can shut it down.
- Lancelot, you're going to be using it.
- Get into your halo suit.

Gary: So before you was a tailor, was you in the Army? Like an officer?
Harry: Not quite.
Gary: So where was you posted - Iraq or something?
Harry: Sorry, Eggsy. Classified.
Gary: But my dad saved your life, yeah?
Harry: The day your father died, I missed something. And if it weren't for his courage, my mistake would have cost the lives of every man present. So I owe him. Your father was a brave man. A good man. And having read your files, I'd think he'd be bitterly disappointed in the choices you've made.
Gary: You can't talk to me like that.
Harry: Huge I.Q., great performance in primary school. And it all went tits up. Drugs, petty crime, never had a job.
Gary: Do you think there's a lot of jobs going around here, yeah?
Harry: Doesn't explain why you gave up your hobbies. First prize, regional under tens' gymnastics, two years in a row. Your coach had you pegged as Olympic team material.
Gary: Yeah, well, when you grow up around someone like my stepdad, you pick up new hobbies pretty quick.
Harry: Now of course. Always someone else's fault. Who's to blame you for quitting the Marines? You were halfway through training, doing brilliantly, but you gave up.
Gary: Because my mum went mental, banging on about losing me as well as my dad. Then we wouldn't be cannon fodder for snobs like you, judging people like me from your ivory towers with no thought about why we do what we do. We ain't got much choice, you get me? And if we was born with the same silver spoon up our arses, we'd do just as well as you, if not better.

Harry: You throw away your biggest opportunity over a fucking dog. And then you humiliate me by stealing my boss' car.
Gary: You shot a dog just to get a fucking job!
Harry: Yes, I did.
[Hart opens the study room to reveal his stuffed dog]
Harry: And Mr. Pickle here reminds me of that every time I take a shit!
Gary: You shot your dog and had it stuffed? You fucking freak!
Harry: No, I shot my dog and then brought him home and continued to care for him for the next 11 years until he died of pancreatitis.
Gary: What?
Harry: It was a blank, Eggsy. It was a fucking blank. Remember Amelia?
Gary: Yeah.
Harry: She didn't drown. She works in our tech department in Berlin. She's fine. Limits must be tested. A Kingsman only condones the risking of one life to save another.
Gary: My dad might have saved your life, even though your fuck-up cost his? What, you've got him stuffed here and all?
Harry: Can't you see that everything I've done has been about trying to repay him?

- I suppose asking to borrow a cup of sugar is a step too far?
- Professor Arnold,
- I'm here to take you home.
- 1962 Dalmore.
- It'd be a sin to spill any.
- Don't you think?

- I didn't expect it to be that effective.
- What kind of response are we talking?
- 100 percent.
- So, everyone's been affected, whether they have a SIM card or not.
- And we get the added benefit of wiping out the Kingsman.
- Not yet.

- Eggsy, I just killed two of your friends who gave me the same bullshit answer!
- Fuck!
- Just cut the fucking ropes, please!
- Hey, Eggsy!
- Is Kingsman worth dying for?
- FUCK you!

[Lee Unwin prevents a captive terrorist from killing his comrades with a suicide bomb by jumping over him before the explosion. Hart removes his mask]
Harry: Shit. Fucking missed it. How did I fucking miss it? Merlin.
[Merlin removes his mask]
Harry: I apologise for putting you in this position. You trained him well.
Merlin: James
[James removes his mask]
Merlin: Your training... is over.
Harry: Welcome to Kingsman, Lancelot.
Lancelot: Sir.
Harry: [Looking at Unwin's body] I'll deal with this mess... personally.

Arthur: It's all yours. And don't forget your membership proposal. Try picking a more suitable candidate this time.
Harry: Seventeen years and still evolving with the times remains an entirely foreign concept to you. You don't remind me that I wouldn't be here if it weren't for that young man. He was as much Kingsman material as any of them. More so.
Arthur: But he wasn't exactly one of us, was he? Let's face it, Galahad. Your little experiment failed.
Harry: [Gets up and prepares to leave the room] With respect, Arthur, you're a snob.
Arthur: With respect?
Harry: The world is changing. There's a reason why aristocrats develop weak chins.

- Shit!
- Shit!
- Shit!
- Rox!
- Fuck.

Gazelle: Looks like a lot of people are going to die.
Valentine: Do I look like I give a fuck?

Harry: [Grabs a fountain pen from the wall] Now, I've had a lot of fun with this. One of our finest examples of chemical engineering. Poison. Harmless when ingested. But at a time, convenient to you...
[Pulls pen clip outward]
Harry: It can be remotely activated. Primed.
[Pushes clip back]
Harry: Lethal.
[Eggsy looks at the gold cigarette lighters on the wall]
Gary: And what about these? What do these do? Electrocute you?
Harry: Don't be ridiculous. It's a hand grenade.
Gary: Shut up.
Harry: If you want to electrocute someone, you'll need a signet ring.
[Grabs a ring from the wall]
Harry: A gentleman traditionally wears the signet on his left hand, but a Kingsman wears it on whatever hand happens to be dominant. If you touch the contact behind the ring, it delivers 50,000 volts.
Gary: [Pointing at the smartphones and tablets on the opposite wall] And what about them? What makes them so special?
[Eggsy grabs a lighter while Hart is not looking]
Harry: Nothing. That technology is caught up with the spy world.
[Hart and Eggsy head back to the main lobby]
Harry: Put it back, Eggsy.
[Eggsy puts the lighter back]

- Why not?
- Guards! Help!
- Don't worry.
- No harm will come to the princess.
- Well, I'm a republican anyways, so it really doesn't matter.
- Release the princess!

[Arthur grabs a poison fountain pen]
Arthur: Can you guess...
[pulls the pen clip back]
Arthur: ... what this is?
Gary: I don't have to. Harry showed me. You click it, I die. I thought that brandy tasted a bit shit.
Arthur: Bravo.
Gary: Valentine won you over, somehow.
Arthur: Once he explained, I understood.
[Flashback to Arthur's meeting with Valentine]
Valentine: When you get a virus, you get a fever. That's the human body raising its core temperature to kill the virus. Planet Earth works the same way: Global warming is the fever, mankind is the virus. We're making our planet sick. A cull is our only hope. If we don't reduce our population ourselves, there's only one of two ways this can go: The host kills the virus, or the virus kills the host. Either way...
[Back to Eggsy and Arthur's conversation]
Arthur: The result is the same: The virus dies.
Gary: So Valentine's gonna take care of the population problem himself.
Arthur: Well if we don't do something, nature will. Sometimes, a culling is the only way to ensure that the species survives. And history will see Valentine as the man who saved humanity from extinction.
Gary: And he gets to pick and choose who gets culled, does he? All his rich mates, they get to live. And then when he thinks it's worth saving, he keeps them safe, whether they agree with him or not.
Arthur: And you, Eggsy. In Harry's honor, I am inviting you to be part of a new world. It's time to make your decision.
[Long pause]
Gary: I'd rather be with Harry. Thanks.
Arthur: So be it.
[Arthur points the fountain pen and engages the poison. After a few seconds, nothing happens to Eggsy. Arthur suddenly convulses]
Gary: The problem with us common types is, that we are light-fingered. Kingsman's taught me a lot, but sleight of hand...
[Flashback shows Eggsy swapping glasses while Arthur is not looking]
Gary: I had that done already.
Arthur: You dirty... little fucking prick...
[Arthur slumps to his death. Eggsy then takes the pen and cuts open the scar behind Arthur's ear to extract the transponder]

Merlin: As some of you will have learned last night, teamwork is paramount here at Kingsman. We're here to enhance your skills and test you to the limit. Which is why you're gonna pick a puppy. Wherever you go, your dog goes. You will care for it. You will teach it. And by the time it's fully trained, so will you be. Those of you who are still here, that is. Do you understand? Choose your puppy.
[the candidates approach the cages. Eggsy gets a pug while Roxy gets a black poodle]
Gary: A poodle?
Roxy: What? They're gun dogs. Oldest working breed. Easy to train.
[Looks at Eggsy's pug]
Roxy: A pug.
Gary: It's a bulldog, ain't it?
[Disappointing look at Roxy's face]
Gary: It'll get bigger, don't it?
[Roxy shakes her head]
Gary: Shit.

[Eggsy leaves the police station]
Harry: Eggsy. Would you like a lift home?
Gary: Who are you?
Harry: The man who got you released.
Gary: That ain't an answer.
Harry: A little gratitude would be nice. My name is Harry Hart, and I gave you that medal. Your father saved my life.

- Arthur?
- Are you there?
- Sadly, I am.
- Assemble the Kingsmen.
- Can't you see that everything I've done has been about trying to repay him?

[Hart and Eggsy enter Fitting Room 3]
Gary: So we going up or down?
Harry: Neither.
Gary: Is this it?
Harry: Of course not. Pull the hook on the left.
[Eggsy pulls down the left hanger, revealing a secret armoury behind the room]
Gary: Ah, yes. Very very nice.
Harry: You're going to need a pair of shoes to go with your suit. An Oxford is any formal shoe with open lacing. This additional decorative piece is called "broguing".
Gary: [now understanding his password] "Oxfords, not Brogues".
Harry: Words to live by, Eggsy. Words to live by. Try a pair.
[Eggsy sits down to put on the shoes]
Harry: Your weapon scores are excellent, by the way.
[Eggsy gives a click-wink]
Harry: [Pointing at the umbrellas] These, you're familiar with. And this is our standard issue pistol. It's quite unique. As you all see it, it also fires a shotgun cartridge for use in messy close-range situations. How do they feel?
Gary: Yeah, good.
Harry: Now do your very best impersonation of a German aristocrat's formal greeting.
[Eggsy gets up, does a finger mustache with his left hand and the Nazi salute with his right]
Harry: No, Eggsy.
[Hart clicks his heels and a blade pops out of his right shoe]
Gary: That is sick.
[Eggsy clicks his heels to engage his shoe blade]
Harry: In the old days, they had a phone in the heel as well.
Gary: How do I get it back in?
Harry: It is coated with one of the fastest-acting neurotoxins known to man, so, very carefully.
[Hart pushes the blade against the wall to retract it. Eggsy does the same]

- projectile.
- Listen, I'm so sorry... you had to witness all this unpleasantness due to our uninvited guest.
- But I promise you, by the time
- I've found out who he works for... you and I will be the best of friends.
- To the shop, please.

- Kingsman's taught me a lot... but sleight of hand...
- Yes, they're founder members.
- I had that down already.
- You dirty little fucking... prick.

Lancelot: I suppose asking to borrow a cup of sugar is a step too far.

Valentine: [From trailer] Mankind is the virus, and I'm the cure.

- Get out of the fucking car!
- What are you doing?
- Where you going, you mug?
- Go on, you got no bollocks!
- Come on, bruv, he hit my fucking mum!
- Come back when you've grown a pair!
- Mugsy!

- They're coming at me from both sides.
- I'm out of options.
- Rox, I need a favor.
- Call my mum.
- Tell her to lock herself away from Dean.
- And the baby... and tell her I love her.

- We're back up!
- This is great!
- Eggsy!
- Fucking get on with it!
- Kick his ass, Gazy!
- Seoul, Caracas, Mumbai!

[from trailer]
Harry: [Quoting William Horman] "Manners maketh man." Do you know what that means? Then let me teach you a lesson.

- and I'm sure you saw how well trained he was... so I suggest you tell me who kidnapped you and why they let you go.
- I have no idea what you're talking--
- I'm not supposed to say it, but it was--
- For God's sake, I've barely touched you.
- Man up!

- Good girl, Rox...
- I'm glad you made it!

- Saint James's.
- "Lox" as in smoked fish?
- As in, "locked up."
- I have trouble understanding you people sometimes.
- You all talk so funny.
- Gentlemen, would you look after him, please?

- So let's get you measured, and then, whether you get the job or not... you'll have a lasting and useful memento of your time at Kingsman.
- I'm so sorry, sir, but a gentleman is completing his fitting.
- Fitting Room Two is available.
- One does not use Fitting Room Two when one is popping one's cherry.
- Perhaps I'll show you Fitting Room Three while we wait.

- Kill that motherfucker!
- He killed all our friends!
- Eggsy, the world is going to shit!
- -Is he dead yet?
- -Not yet!
- Stop playing with your food!
- Kill him!

Harry: [after eating McDonald's food with Valentine] Thank you for such a 'happy' meal.

- Thank you.
- Do you have any luggage?
- Congratulations, Mycroft, you just graduated from my pilot to my valet.
- -You cheeky--
- -Understood?
- Good.
- Thank you.

Harry: The suit is the modern gentleman's armour. The Kingsmen are the new knights.
Gary: How deep does this fuckin' elevator go?
Harry: Deep enough.

- Loo snorkels, loo snorkels!
- Loo snorkels?
- Showerheads!
- Showerheads?
- She's right. Fucking go!
- Hey, hang about, what's wrong with the fucking door?

- Look, I'm just into finding out what caliber person you are.
- I'm sure you understand that.
- I most certainly do.
- -Hope you're hungry.
- -I'm famished.
- Good.
- Grab a seat.

Harry: [to bigoted church lady] I'm a Catholic whore, currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black Jewish boyfriend who works at a military abortion clinic. So, hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon, madam.

- Now me.
- Fuck!
- Roxy... no matter what happens now,
- I've got you, all right?
- Okay, Eggsy.
- -Yours first, okay?
- -Yep.

- I've never grassed anyone up.
- -Is that a promise?
- -On my life!
- Much appreciated, Eggsy.
- You're right about the snobs.
- But there, too, there are exceptions.
- Best of luck with everything.

Merlin: Hugo, Digby: you don't land in the K, you're not in the K. Rufus, you opened too soon. You were all over the radar. All three of you, pack your bags. Go home.
[the three candidates leave]
Merlin: Eggsy, Roxy, congratulations. You set a new record. Opening at 300 feet, that's pretty ballsy. Well done for completing another task. Fall out.
[Roxy and Charlie leave. Eggsy stays, angered that he was the one without a parachute]
Gary: Sorry, sir, but why the fuck did you choose me as the gimp? Am I the expendable candidate?
Merlin: No, no, no. You don't talk to me like that. If you have a complaint, you come here and whisper it in my ear.
[Eggsy approaches Merlin]
Merlin: You need to take that chip off your shoulder.
[Merlin pulls Eggsy's rip cord, revealing that he had a parachute the whole time]

- Maybe I don't give a fuck if I get kicked out!
- Do it. Come on, you pleb.
- Charlie, fuck off!
- Yeah, go on, walk away. Dickhead.
- Come on, J.B.
- Come on, good boy.

- Eggs]'-
- Hello, Eggs]!-
- Can I see that?
- You take care of this, Eggsy.
- All right?
- And take care of your mum, too.

- Eggsy, I really don't think
- I can do this.
- Of course you can't.
- Head to the back and I'll show you how, yeah?
- Eggsy, wait! Hang on!
- Roxy, just stop fucking about!
- Follow me, yeah?

- How'd you get online? I couldn't.
- It's a closed network, you see.
- Pre-authorized connections only.
- I've got a fix on the satellite.
- Do you have the correct time?
- I think I'm still in my last time zone.
- Yeah, yeah. Let's see now.

Harry: [Harry to thugs in the bar] Are we going to stand around here all day, or are we going to fight?
Gary: [Eggsy to thugs in the bar] Are we going to stand around here all day, or are we gonna fight?

- Yeah.
- You what?
- Yeah.
- Yes, I totally understand.

- Eggsy just stole my fucking car.
- I've come out the pub, he's done 15 donuts in my fucking face... and he's drove off.
- No, I can't have it!
- He's disrespecting me.
- And that means, he's disrespecting you.
- Hold up! What the...?

[Eggsy and JB enter Hart's hospital room]
Harry: Ever heard of knocking?
Gary: Only when I'm casing a place to rob. Merlin said you wanted to see me.
[JB barks at Hart]
Harry: I hope JB's training is going as well as yours is.
Gary: Sit.
[JB sits]
Harry: Congratulations on making it to the final six candidates. Your test results were even better than I could've hoped.
[Knock on the door]
Harry: Come in.
[Merlin enters the room]
Merlin: Ah. Eggsy, I need to have a private conversation. You're dismissed.
Harry: Nonsense. Let him observe. He might learn a thing or two.
Merlin: As you wish. Take a look at this.
[Merlin plays the video recording of Professor Arnold's head exploding]
Gary: Fucking hell! That's just rank, Harry. You blew up his head. It's a bit much, ain't it?
Merlin: Actually, the explosion was caused by an implant in his neck. Here, under that scar.
Harry: Did my hardware pick up the signal that triggered it?
Merlin: Fortunately, yes. Unfortunately, the IP address it traced it to is registered to the Valentine Corporation.
Harry: That's not much of a lead. They have millions of employees worldwide.
Gary: That Richmond Valentine's a genius.
[Surprised look by Hart and Merlin]
Gary: Did you not see his announcement today?
[Eggsy grabs Merlin's clipboard and sets the TV to Valentine's speech]

[after Eggsy puts on his suit]
Merlin: Looking good, Eggsy.
Gary: Feeling good, Merlin.

Harry: [to confused gang members] Are we going to stand around here all day, or are we going to fight?

- Come on.
- Galahad.
- My code name.
- Late again, sir.
- Good luck.
- In you go.

- I see a young man with potential... who wants to do something good with his life.

[Valentine receives a notice that Professor Arnold has been terminated]
Valentine: Fuck that guy, whoever he is! I'm gonna... He made me kill Professor Arnold. Goddamn loved Professor Arnold.
Gazelle: Well the good news is we know the emergency surveillance system works.
Valentine: You know what's not good news? 'My colleague died,' that's what he said. This is an organization and they're all over us. Whoever you spoke to...
Gazelle: I told you. I made contact with the KGB, MI6, Mossad, and Beijing. They all insist it wasn't one of theirs.
Valentine: Beijing. So freaky how there's no recognizable name for the Chinese Secret Service. Now that's what you call a secret, right? You know what? Fuck it. We need to speed things up. Bring the product release forward.
Gazelle: We're only halfway into production. Speeding it will cost a fortune.
Valentine: Do I look like I give a fuck? Just get it done.

- You're gonna have to get in there and make sure his hand never touches that desk.
- Are you taking the fucking piss?
- I'm afraid not.
- Let's have that then.
- This is mine.
- I'll show you yours.

- Merlin, the cell's locked.
- How do I get in?
- 26-25.
- Merlin, you're the guvnor.
- You owe me, Eggsy.
- Eggsy?
- Oh, my word.

- If you're looking for another rent boy, they're on the corner of Smith street.
- Manners... maketh... man.
- Do you know what that means?
- Then let me teach you a lesson.

- -We don't have a lot of time.
- -What are you going to do?
- The question is, what are we going to do?
- God knows who's in Valentine's pocket and who's not.
- We have no choice.
- We are gonna have to deal with this ourselves.
- Follow me.

Valentine: So you want to donate to my foundation. You are aware that I wound things down in that area, right?
Harry: Climate change is a threat which affects us all, Mr. Valentine. And you're one of the few powerful men who seems to share my concerns.
Valentine: I stepped things down because I wasn't getting anywhere. Every bit of research kept pointing to the same thing.
Harry: The carbon emissions are a red herring, and we are past the point of no return, no matter what remedial actions we take.
Valentine: Uh-huh. You know your shit.
Harry: I sometimes envy the blissful ignorance of those less well-versed in their... 'shit'. As Professor Arnold always said: 'Humankind is the only virus cursed to live with the horrifying knowledge of its host's fragile mortality.'
[Surprised look by Valentine]
Valentine: There are not a lot of people who knew about him.
[Short pause]
Valentine: Do you like spy movies, Mr. DeVere?
[Hart notices Gazelle sitting behind him, pointing one of her bladed legs toward him]
Harry: Nowadays, they're all a little serious for my taste. But the old ones... marvelous. Give me a far-fetched theatrical plot any day.
Valentine: The old Bond movies. Oh, man. Ah, when I was a kid, that was my dream job: gentleman spy.
Harry: I always felt that the old Bond films were only as good as the villain. As a child, I rather fancied a future as a colorful megalomaniac.
Valentine: What a shame we both had to grow up.
[Valentine smiles]
Valentine: Bon appetit.
[Valentine and Hart toast with their burgers]

[the Interrogator questions Charlie, who is tied to a railroad track]
The: Is Kingsman worth dying for?
Charlie: No it fucking isn't! Shit! I'll tell you what you want, please! Chester King's Arthur! Arthur's head of the secret spy agency! It's called Kingsman! Get me out of here!
The: Thank you, Charlie. Much appreciated.
[Interrogator walks away]
Charlie: No, that wasn't the fucking deal!
[Train passes over Charlie and the section he's tied to drops down. Section rises as Arthur arrives at the scene]
Arthur: I had such high hopes for you. You're a bloody disgrace.
Charlie: I'm so sorry. Please untie me.
Arthur: Untie yourself.
[Arthur walks away]
Charlie: Arth- Arthur, please. Shit. Anyone!
[Merlin, Hart, Eggsy, Roxy, and Percival observe the scene in the control room]
Merlin: Galahad, Percival, congratulations. Your candidates have reached the final stage of the testing process. As tradition allows, you will have 24 hours to spend with them. Eggsy, you should know your father reached this point. From now on, there are no safety nets. Understood?
[Eggsy and Roxy look at each other and nod to Merlin]
Merlin: Good. Dismissed.
[the Kingsman agents and candidates leave the room. Merlin turns around and turns on the loudspeaker at the railway]
Merlin: Charlie, time to go home.
Charlie: Fuck you! Fucking dad's gonna hear about this!

Valentine: Is he dead?
Gazelle: That tends to happen when you shoot someone in the head.

- What the fuck's going on here?
- Eggsy, you fucking maggot!
- Hey, we got a racer!
- Come here. Hey!
- Eggsy. you fucking--
- Come here, son!

- -You see him?
- -Right here.
- Eggsy, take a left.
- Two guards, up ahead.

[Michelle's iPad plays Bryan Ferry's "Slave to Love" at the pub]
Dean: Michelle, turn that shit off. It's doing my nut in.
[Michelle is about to turn off the iPad when Eggsy, now a full-fledged Kingsman agent, arrives]
Gary: I rather like that song. Leave it on, eh, Mum?
[Dean turns off the iPad]
Dean: Mugsy's back. You've finally come to have that word with me, have you, son? Or are you gonna run away again and pretend you're going to court, dressed like that?
Gary: Oh, you mean this? No. I know this bloke who's just taken over a tailor shop on Savile Row. He's given me a job, Mum. Comes with a lot of perks, including a house. Come and live with me there, Mum. Come on.
[Michelle is about to stand up when Dean interrupts them]
Dean: Sit down, you! Only place she'll be visiting is you in fucking hospital, d'you hear?
Michelle: Just leave him alone, Dean! Eggsy, go, please. Just go, babe.
Gary: All right.
[Eggsy turns around toward the door]
Dean: That's it, do as Mummy says. Why don't you ask that tailor friend of yours to knock up a nice chicken costume! It'll suit you, you mug!
[Eggsy stops at the front door]
Gary: As a good friend once said: Manners...
[Eggsy bolts the left door]
Gary: ... maketh...
[bolts the right door]
Gary: ... man.
[locks the latch]
Poodle: Dean...
Dean: Shut the fuck up. Eggsy, I'm gonna shove your manners up your fuck...
[Eggsy hooks a beer mug with his umbrella and flings it, knocking out Dean. He then approaches the rest of the gang]
Gary: So, are we going to stand around here all day, or are we going to fight?

- You didn't stop shit!
- Fine, I've looked the door.
- What do you want me to do now?
- As I said, put your daughter in the bathroom and throw away the key.
- It's still happening!
- You're fucking insane!
- Just do it.

Valentine: 'Sup man? Is this the part where you say some... really bad pun?
Gary: It's like you said to Harry: This ain't that kind of movie, bruv.
Valentine: Perfect.
[Valentine takes his last breath and slumps down]

Valentine: [from trailer] If you get blood on the carpet you're going to have to take the carpet up!

- and my mum said to call this number if ever I needed help.
- I'm sorry, sir. Wrong number.
- Wait! Wait!
- Oxfords not brogues.
- Your complaint has been duly noted... and we hope that we have not lost you as a loyal customer.

- Yes, Merlin.
- Eggsy, get me online now.
- Yep, I'm on it.
- Lancelot, you're approaching your altitude limit.
- Those balloons won't last much longer.
- Prepare to engage missile.

Gary: Sorry, love. Gotta save the world.
Princess: [In a thick, Swedish accent] If you save the world, we can do it in the... asshole.
Gary: [Calmly] I will be right back.

Harry: [locking the doors] "Manners - maketh - man."
[continuing to intimidate gang members]
Harry: Do you know what that means? Then let me teach you a lesson.

- 10 percent.
- Shit!
- Eggsy, Valentine's using someone else's satellite.
- He's going to reconnect the chain.
- It's going to take him no time at all.
- It's at 20 percent.

- Eggsy, straight ahead, then right.
- There's two more.
- All right, everybody on your feet!
- Countdown to V-day!
- Welcome in the new age!
- Flat spin.

- You wanker!
- I'll have you, son!