The Best Lance Landers Quotes

Lou: What happened to your arm?
Rick: Oh. Um, a bike messenger knocked me down. I see your wrist is bandaged.
Lou: Yes, I burned it on some hot coffee, and you have a cut on your lip.
Rick: Um... my crack pipe broke. You have a scratch on your neck.
Lou: Yes, I, um... met a girl on Craigslist. And you have a bruise on *your* neck.
Rick: I... met a *guy* on Craigslist.
Lou: Sorry, Lance. We have to go.
Lance: Why?
Lou: I... shat my pants.
Lance: I'll drive.

[Rick, Aunt Lucille, Jill, Lou and Lance are sitting down for their Thanksgiving dinner]
Lou: [Lou looks at Rick's arm and sees a cut on it] What happened to your arm?
Rick: Uh... A bike messenger knocked me down.
Rick: I see your wrist is bandaged.
Lou: Yes, I burned it on some hot coffee.
Lou: And you have a cut on your lip.
Rick: Uh... My crack pipe broke.
Rick: You have a scratch on your neck.
Lou: Yes, I met a girl on Craig's List.
Lou: And you have a bruise on your neck.
Rick: I met a guy on Craig's List.
Lou: I'm sorry Lance, but we have to go.
Lance: Why?
Lou: I... shot my pants.
[Everyone looks at Lou in total shock]
Lance: I'll drive.

Lance: [to Rick] Watch where you're going in slo-mo, dipshit.