The Best Rick Riker Quotes

Rick: Now I'm never gonna know the secret to becoming a superhero.
Mrs. Xavier: You wanna know the secret? Come close.
[smacks Rick]
Mrs. Xavier: Make a costume, shithead!

Dr. Whitby: So, what brings you here?
Rick: My uncle.
Dr. Whitby: Your uncle brought you here?
Rick: No, he's gravely injured.
Dr. Whitby: Well, he shouldn't be driving, then.

[Rick, Aunt Lucille, Jill, Lou and Lance are sitting down for their Thanksgiving dinner]
Lou: [Lou looks at Rick's arm and sees a cut on it] What happened to your arm?
Rick: Uh... A bike messenger knocked me down.
Rick: I see your wrist is bandaged.
Lou: Yes, I burned it on some hot coffee.
Lou: And you have a cut on your lip.
Rick: Uh... My crack pipe broke.
Rick: You have a scratch on your neck.
Lou: Yes, I met a girl on Craig's List.
Lou: And you have a bruise on your neck.
Rick: I met a guy on Craig's List.
Lou: I'm sorry Lance, but we have to go.
Lance: Why?
Lou: I... shot my pants.
[Everyone looks at Lou in total shock]
Lance: I'll drive.

Undertaker: This is gonna be difficult for you but you've got to identify the body.
Rick: This isn't my aunt.
Undertaker: Yes. That's why it's going to be difficult.

Dr. Stephen Hawking: If there is one lesson my life can teach, is it that the spirit is stronger than the body. The hero comes from within.
Dragonfly: Those are Celine Dion lyrics.

Rick: [during a prolonged conversation with Jill while plummeting from a rooftop] This is a really tall building.

Uncle: Remember, with great power comes...
Rick: Great responsibility?
Uncle: Well, I was gonna say bitches, but if you want to be a virgin for the rest of your life...

Rick: [opening the front door] Uncle Albert!
[Albert turns and shoots a nail from a nail gun; Rick catches the nail]
Uncle: [amazed] How did you do that?
Rick: It's... easier than it looks.
Uncle: [shoots Trey in the hand] Nope. I don't think so.

Lunatic: No, *you* listen to *me*! I want that story on my desk or you're fired!
[hangs up to phone]
Lunatic: Who the hell are you?
Rick: I was wondering if you had a job opening...
Lunatic: Job? How dare you come in here and ask *me* for a job! *I'm* the editor in chief! I know the mayor of Venus! Hamburgers can see the future! Rosie O'Donnell--!
[two male nurses carry him out]
Actual: Sorry about that. We share the building with a mental hospital.

Rick: [Rick sees that Lou is coughing blood] Are you okay, Mr. Landers?
Lou: Oh, I'm fine, son. This is just healthy cough-blood!

Lou: What happened to your arm?
Rick: Oh. Um, a bike messenger knocked me down. I see your wrist is bandaged.
Lou: Yes, I burned it on some hot coffee, and you have a cut on your lip.
Rick: Um... my crack pipe broke. You have a scratch on your neck.
Lou: Yes, I, um... met a girl on Craigslist. And you have a bruise on *your* neck.
Rick: I... met a *guy* on Craigslist.
Lou: Sorry, Lance. We have to go.
Lance: Why?
Lou: I... shat my pants.
Lance: I'll drive.

Jill's: You're a whore just like your mother.
Rick: Who was that?
Jill: My mother.

Rick: See, you're not even in my top five!

[after Aunt Lucille farts through Rick and Jill's conversation, Hourglass breaks through the window]
Hourglass: Sorry to drop in uninvited.
Rick: It's okay. We were hoping someone would open a window. It was getting stuffy in here.

Uncle: With great power comes... ow!
Rick: Great responsibility? Try to breathe!
Uncle: I can't. You're kneeling on my balls!

Jill: There's something you're not telling me, isn't there? Something secret, something locked away. deep inside.
Rick: Well, there is...
[hears voices echoing in his head]
Aunt: Keep your identity a secret, Rick... Rick... Rick...
Trey: Dude, you're like a real superhero, man... man... man...
Uncle: Once a month you'll bleed from your vagina... vagina... vagina... vagina...

Jill's: [shouting from a window] You're a whore, just like your mother!
[Jill's mother goes back inside]
Rick: Who was that?
Jill: My mother.

Rick: I'm not wearing any diamonds.