The Best Malcolm Tucker Quotes

Malcolm: Why do they leave a boy like that in charge?
Sheriff: Well, it's just a part-time job. He's savin' up money for college, studyin' to be a doctor.

Wally: [asking about Mr. Tucker's car] Did it sound something like this? First it ran smooth, then it kind of... ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. Then it ran smooth again, then another ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch.
Malcolm: Yes.
Wally: Then a whzzzz-cha-chk-pkpft. Then she dies?
Malcolm: Yes... that's it!
Wally: Uh-huh, uh-huh. You've got yourself a clogged fuel line...
Sheriff: How'd you know that?
Wally: From the sound.

Malcolm: Look, all I want you to do is come with me and look at my motor.
Gomer: I'd be happy to look at your motor. I'm sure it's a sight to behold, but I don't know nothin'...
Sheriff: Gomer can't help you Mr. Tucker, he's not a mechanic.

Gomer: Mr. Tucker.
Malcolm: Ah, my car ready?
Gomer: No. Goober thinks you need a new set of spark plugs.
Malcolm: Well, change 'em.
Gomer: They're $1.15 apiece.
Malcolm: Fine, fine...
Gomer: She's an eight-cylinder. She'll take eight.
Malcolm: Go do it.
Gomer: One for each cylinder?
Malcolm: Go, boy, go! Do it!
Gomer: We have your permission then?
Malcolm: Yes, yes.
Gomer: Didn't want you to say later on we'd overcharged you.
Malcolm: GO DO IT!
Gomer: Right.
Gomer: [about to leave, Gomer turns to Andy] Goober says "hey," Andy.
Andy: Hey to Goober.

Opie: [as Mr. Tucker leaves] Hey, Mr. Tucker, you aren't gonna leave, are ya?
Malcolm: I have to, son.
Opie: Aw, rats! If you were staying, I was gonna get to sleep on the ironing board between two chairs.
Malcolm: Sounds terrible.
Opie: No it ain't - that's adventure sleeping!

Gomer: [asked who else could fix Malcolm's car] My cousin Goober, that's who.
Malcolm: He knows about motors?
Gomer: He hopped up an old V8 engine, put it on his rowboat. That thing'll do eighty. Now that's fast on water.

Barney: [while relaxing on the front porch after Sunday dinner] You know what I think I'm gonna' do?
Andy: What?
Barney: I'm gonna' go home, have me a little nap, and then go over to Thelma Lou's and watch a little TV.
Andy: Mmm-hmm.
Barney: Yeah, I believe that's what I'll do. Go home... have a nap... and then over to Thelma Lou's for TV.
Andy: Mmm.
Barney: Yep, that's the plan. Home... little nap... then...
Malcolm: [interrupting] For the love of Mike *do* it!
[shouts]
Malcolm: Do it! Just *do* it! Go take a nap, go to Thelma Lou's for TV, just *do it*!

Sheriff: The station just barely is open. Wally, the owner, he don't even show up on Sundays.
Malcolm: Well, if it's open, there'll be someone there.
Sheriff: All depends on how you look at it. Gomer Pyle's in charge.
Malcolm: Good, He'll fix it.
Sheriff: I wouldn't count on it.

Barney: You know what I think I'm gonna do?
Sheriff: What?
Barney: I'm gonna go home, have me a little nap, then go over to Thelma Lou's and watch a little TV... Yeah, I believe that's what I'll do. Go home, have a nap, then over to Thelma Lou's for TV... Yep, that's the plan, go home, little nap...
Malcolm: For the love of Mike, do it! Do it! JUST DO IT!
Barney: What's the hurry?