200 Best Mazikeen Quotes

Mazikeen: This way, I'll end up in women's prison. I heard it's hell on Earth, so close enough.

Mazikeen: I love bounty hunting here. It's so much better when they're still alive, you know. You can really feel the fear.

Mazikeen: I was forged in the bowels of Hell to torture the guilty for all eternity.

Mazikeen: And how's that human husband ?
Charlotte: I discovered a trick with him. Whenever he asks a question, I just have sex with him. It seems to render him mute.
Mazikeen: Hmm. Took me a while to figure that one out.

Ben: [Being shot at by Joan] We can't just wait for her to mow us down.
Mazikeen: Oh, I'm not waiting.
[Pulls out knife]
Ben: Seriously? Knives to a gunfight? What the hell was that suppo...
[Maze throws blade]
Joan: Ow!
Mazikeen: And you're welcome.

Chloe: Maze, I know what you're trying to do.
Mazikeen: You do?
Chloe: Yeah. And you suck at it.
Mazikeen: I do?
Chloe: Yeah. Oh yeah. You're trying to apologize in your very awkward demon way.
Mazikeen: I am?

Mazikeen: How 'bout a hug instead?
Ned: A Lopez hug?
Mazikeen: Mm-hmm.
Ned: Oh, I've heard about those, too. Must-must be my lucky day.
[Maze tightly wraps her arms around him]
Ned: Uh... Oh!
[Maze shifts into a choke-hold]
Ned: Oh, okay. Um, getting kind of dizzy here.
[Ned passes out]

Mazikeen: You wanna go, bird boy?

Mazikeen: I can't deal with human emotions on an empty stomach. It makes me nauseous.

Chloe: You've never liked me. Why?
Mazikeen: Because every day was a party. Every sin, every desire L.A. offered, we took part. And then he met you.
Chloe: So you think it's my fault that the party's over?
Mazikeen: That and the fact that you're hunting him down like a dog.

Lucifer: [a whimpering man is held prisoner, his head covered, as Lucifer and Maze come down the stairs] Finally ! The would-be Prince of Darkness.
Ronnie: Payment due upon delivery.
Lucifer: I'd like to examine the goods first.
Ronnie: Your dime.
Lucifer: [turning around the man] Right. Let's see the face of my impostor.
[Maze uncovers the man's head]
Mazikeen: [laughs] The resemblance is uncanny.
Lucifer: It most certainly is not.
[Maze giggles]
Lucifer: How could anyone think that you were me ?
The: [with a fake british accent, trying to sound assured] You know who you're messing with ? I'm Lucifer freaking Morningstar !
Lucifer: [faking surprise] Oh ! Are you now ?

Mazikeen: Copycat said, and I quote, "LilyMan looks for windbags".
Ella: So he targets women who talk a lot? Gulp.

Mazikeen: What's your weakness, Norm? Money?
Norm: Golly, no.
Mazikeen: Kink?
Norm: That a band?
Mazikeen: How about I break your fingers?
Norm: Oh, no. If you did that, I wouldn't be able to give my wife her back rubs.
[Thinks]
Norm: Though I suppose I could use the old elbows in a pinch.

Shay: And that is what the birth process looks like up close. Any questions?
Mazikeen: Yeah. Can we see the part about the torn perineum again, please?

Mazikeen: Prick got what he deserved.
Lucifer: He was my brother.

Lieutenant: Blaze, tell the girls to swap their G-strings for evening gowns tomorrow night.
Mazikeen: [Watching show] Wow. It's like looking into a mirror

Chloe: Seriously? A sex swing?
Mazikeen: I know, right? Wanna hop on?
Chloe: Okay, if we're gonna live together, we need to have some house rules. Rule number one, and I can't believe I'm saying this, *no* sex swing.
Mazikeen: You said I could bring my furniture.
Chloe: A sex swing is not furniture!

Chloe: What Perry Smith deserved was to rot in jail for the rest of his life.
Mazikeen: But still. Pretty awesome that someone took him out, right? I bet it hurt. A lot.
Chloe: Whoever did this is no better than he was.

Mazikeen: Would you like a screwdriver, Karen?
Karen: No. I have this reoccurring dream where I open the fridge, and the only thing that is there is orange juice.
Mazikeen: [Pained] Fascinating.

Charlotte: [watching a mac and cheese commercial] Mazikeen. What is this strange, gooey substance that this boy is cooing about?
Mazikeen: You watching porn?

Amenadiel: Look, don't blame me for your problems, all right? It's not my fault that you betrayed your boss.
Mazikeen: My problems are your problems. Which would be the only thing that you and I have in common.

Mazikeen: You need to leave. Now.
Lucifer: What's the rush? It's just getting exciting.
Mazikeen: Humans are playing with their guns, and now they're running for cover. No reason to find out if your bones will break too.
Lucifer: Well, what about my broken... heart?

Linda: Maze, I know your mother abandoned you, but it might help to understand her perspective. Maybe... Maybe she was too young to handle it.
Mazikeen: My mother was 12000 years old when she had me.

Mazikeen: Your brother's a predictable one. He always runs to food or boobs. Usually boobs.

Linda: [Lucifer is stuck in Hell] I can't believe I'm saying this, but... what if I go?
Mazikeen: What? You? What makes you think you'd go to Hell and not Heaven?
Linda: There are things you don't know about me.

Charlotte: So how do we do this? It appears that we need to attach these little wires to this...
[Maze shocks her with the defibrillator, and Charlotte falls to the floor, dead]
Linda: Maze!
Mazikeen: Oops.

Mazikeen: What's an expensive piece of art doing in a crappy house in Van Nuys?
Eve: Exactly what I'm wondering, Teach.
Mazikeen: Don't call me that.

Lucifer: [to Mazikeen] Room mates? You and detective Decker? Hoh... no no no no no no. And have I mentioned no. And also: no!
Mazikeen: You're not my boss anymore.
Lucifer: Well, that may be. But I can't have the women in my life teaming up. I'll be outnumbered. Dad forbid you manage to have sex with her before I do.

Mazikeen: No biggie.
Lucifer: Wrong. Big biggie. Huge biggie.

Mazikeen: Is that a wedding murder board?
Chloe: I am just trying to stay organized here.
Mazikeen: Wow. Mug shot for the caterer. Nice work, Decker.

Dan: Easy. Just follow a plan whipped up spur-of-the-moment by a demon to deliver a psychopath to a bunch of murderers, after I scam him into saving my life. It'll work perfectly.
Mazikeen: Just don't screw it up.

Ella: Everyone says that you are the best bounty hunter we've got.
Mazikeen: Ah, so he's a criminal.
Ella: No. No, no, no, no. But... I got a bad feeling. Please, I need your help.
[Maze turns away]
Ella: I'll pay!
Mazikeen: [Turns back] Next time, lead with that.

Mazikeen: I just wish you'd loosen up, Decker. You know, throw caution to the wind, be impulsive, just once. Instead of, you know, being you.

Lucifer: I sense your disapproval, Maze. What is it?
Mazikeen: I just can't understand why you would save a human life.
Lucifer: Well, there's... something different about her that I don't quite understand, and it vexes me.
Mazikeen: Maybe it's not her that's different.
Lucifer: Is there where I'm supposed to ask, "Whatever do you mean?"

Mazikeen: Listening to feelings, it's not my thing.

Mazikeen: What's wrong?
Trixie: I told Mommy I wanted to be a princess when I was seven. Now I'm eight.
Mazikeen: And?
Trixie: Halloween's supposed to be the one night you get to be whatever you want.
Mazikeen: What do you want to be?

Mazikeen: Linda said that you were out with Dan, dodging baseball bats.
Amenadiel: Mm, we were supposed to go to the Dodger baseball game.
Mazikeen: Oh. That's much more lame.

Mazikeen: So now this is my fault?
[Storms out]
Lucifer: Demons. Am I right?
Chloe: Lucifer, name-calling isn't gonna help.

Lucifer: Hello, brother. I notice you've changed your look. Where's your pretty necklace?
Amenadiel: Oh, I've put it in a safe place.
Lucifer: Ah. Keister it, did you?
Mazikeen: Nope. Already checked. Not there.

Linda: Maze, how can we be friends? You're a demon. Lucifer's the Devil. How am I supposed to get over that?
Mazikeen: He's still the same old Lucifer. You're still Dr. Linda Martin. And I'm still Maze. What's changed?

Mazikeen: Aren't you overreacting? I mean, a fever of 101 doesn't sound like a big deal to me. In Hell, we kept it at a brisk 120.

Mazikeen: [to Dan] I can't believe Amenadiel carried you. In his arms. Like a little baby.

Mazikeen: That was my 21st bad date. And my 22nd is about to arrive any minute.
Eve: Damn. Talk about stamina.

Mazikeen: Don't you think our venue needs, like, spikes? Or a moat? I mean, spikes and a moat?
Eve: Our wedding is going to be spikes- and moat-free. I am saving that for the honeymoon.

Lucifer: Maze! You haven't wished me happy birthday.
Mazikeen: The Devil doesn't have a birthday.
Lucifer: Well, I do now. I burned my wings. I feel reborn.

Dan: Is that Drill-Bit Beuwer?
Mazikeen: Yep.
Dan: You know, he and his brother Sean are two of the most feared guys in the streets.
Mazikeen: Yeah, well now they fear me.

Ella: Hey, Maze. Oh, my God, I have that exact same shirt!
Mazikeen: Yes, you did!

Mazikeen: You have mentioned a few times now that you are worried about going to Hell. What's the problem? I literally grew up there. I turned out fine.

Mazikeen: I had no idea growing a soul was an option. I mean, I was looking for one like it was a thing I could eat, maybe, or a shimmery cloud that you could breathe in or something.

Chloe: Hi. Um, Chloe Decker. Trixie's mom.
Check: Just you? Alone?
Chloe: Just me. Alone.
[some people behind look at her with disdain]
Check: That must be difficult.
Mazikeen: [rushing to the check-in] Actually, she's with me.
Check: [smiling] Oh, two mommies?
Mazikeen: Oh, hell yeah. Trixie's a handful, definitely a two-woman job. Right, honey?
Chloe: [nodding] Yeah.
[Maze kisses Chloe on her lips]

Mazikeen: [Dropping off a bounty] I'm in a rush. Mind taking him the rest of the way?
Uni: Who's this?
Mazikeen: What am I, your secretary? He's a bad guy. Figure it out.

Linda: I think we made a real breakthrough today, Simon.
Simon: Thanks. A-And I know you're right, Linda. Not everyone's out to get me.
[Gets up to leave]
Mazikeen: [Busts into the office, holds a knife to Simon] Are you here to kill her?
Simon: No, no!
Mazikeen: That's exactly what someone trying to kill her would say.

Mazikeen: You two have so much in common. Yeah. Linda, you're a therapist. And, Todd, you're *in* therapy. Discuss.

Mazikeen: I got to admit, getting her to fall for you, and then, poof, vanishing... ruthless. And that's saying something coming from a demon. Respect.

Dan: Are you going through something lately?
Mazikeen: Other than the band, no.

Mazikeen: Me and the other demons would get bored, so we'd switch up the Hell loop. Okay? It would always be you killing him, but at different times, different places. He was a fast learner.
Lucifer: So, what you're saying is Hell made him multilingual and completely adaptable?
Marcus: And we put him in the body of a young woman.
Mazikeen: Smooth move, boys.

Lucifer: I just learned the strangest thing. Spoiler alert, Amenadiel found Dr. Linda. He was an angel on her shoulder, trying to control me. I wonder how my dear, angelic brother got such a wickedly clever idea.
Mazikeen: I did it to protect you.

Buster: I ain't answering either of you.
[Maze grabs him by the neck]
Buster: Aah! Aah!
Mazikeen: I'm gonna give you two choices. I can either break your arm... .or I can cut your...
Ella: Maze! Just...
[Speaking sincerely to Buster]
Ella: Do you have a brother, sister, anyone who you care about, who it would just kill you if you didn't know where they were, if they were safe?
Mazikeen: Threatening his family? Hard-core, Ellen.

Charlotte: Is there anything that... you'd like to apologize for, Mazikeen?
Mazikeen: She just said she boned my ex. I didn't do anything.
Charlotte: Well, it always takes two to tango.
Mazikeen: Yeah, Linda and Amenadiel. One, two, naked tango. Me, screwed.

Linda: You look like you fought ten people and ran a mile to get here.
Mazikeen: Twelve people. Four miles.

Mazikeen: I don't care what anyone thinks of me.
Linda: Of course you do, we all do. You know, and that's okay. That's human.
Mazikeen: I'm a demon.

Mazikeen: You want to ride solo with Dr. McHotty. I can get behind that. Or on top, dealer's choice.

Mazikeen: I tried to think of something nice, but that's not really my strong suit.

Lucifer: Did Klumpsky ever meet his inspiration? Did he ever get a good look at him?
Mazikeen: No.
Lucifer: Are you sure?
Mazikeen: Five broken ribs, a torn rotator cuff, and "It's a Small World" on repeat? Yeah, I'm sure.

Eve: Literally created for the guy and our entire marriage, he was just pining over wife number uno. "Lilith tamed the beasts of the night". Stupid, perfect Lilith.
Mazikeen: She wasn't perfect.
Eve: Oh, my God. My God, I'm... I'm so sorry, I... I completely forgot that she was your mother.
Mazikeen: Yeah, so did she.

Mazikeen: We all learned to torture by torturing him.
Marcus: What'd you do to him?
Mazikeen: Well, Abel would be out partying, and then, you'd show up.
[Does a gorilla walk]
Marcus: I don't walk like that.
Mazikeen: Yeah, you do.
Lucifer: Yes, you do.

Mazikeen: [Watching the prep school parents] They're miserable. And waiting to tear each other apart. Actually... Reminds me of home.

Mazikeen: Too bad your little protege isn't around to collect the check.
Chloe: [watching a news report that Delilah's record sales have soared, something in her mind clicks] Oh, wow.
Lucifer: What?
Chloe: Delilah didn't give that watch to the drug dealer.

Mazikeen: Do you know all the things that could happen to you or your baby out there?
Linda: Er... heartburn?
Mazikeen: You could get gunned down in a drive-by shooting, Linda. Or kidnapped by a cartel who use women as drug mules, not to mention what an angel baby will fetch on the black market.

Chloe: How'd you get in here?
Mazikeen: Let's just say Samantha at the front desk is no longer into men.

Mazikeen: Demons used to be able to possess humans. But only when they'd just died. But then Lucifer forbade it.
Eve: Why?
Mazikeen: Above my pay grade.

Charlotte: Humans are silly animals, aren't they? Weak. Fragile.
Mazikeen: That's what I'm counting on.

Mazikeen: If I ever see you and that boy toy in Los Angeles again, I will gut that pretty belly of yours. Everyone knows you don't steal from the Devil.

Mazikeen: [after Linda faints] Here. Drink.
Linda: Okay, that's gin.
Mazikeen: Yeah. Only top shelf for my girl.

Mazikeen: Shared office workspace? Even I find this a bit cruel, torture-wise.

Mazikeen: [about Lilith] It was her stupid idea to have soulless offspring; making it her stupid fault that I am doomed to be alone forever.
Amenadiel: Eternal torture.
Mazikeen: I see the irony.

Linda: Maze, how can we be friends? You're a... you're a demon. Lucifer's the Devil. How am I supposed to get over that?
Mazikeen: He's still the same old Lucifer. You're still Dr. Linda Martin. And I'm still Maze. What's changed?

Mazikeen: So, you lost a 14-year-old kid.
[Points at Dan]
Mazikeen: And she stole your badge
[Points at Lucifer]
Mazikeen: And your car?
[laughs hysterically]
Dan: It's annoying, isn't it?
Lucifer: Well, it is when she does it.

Linda: Maze, I'm surprised you came back.
Mazikeen: I made a friend today.
Linda: That's fantastic news. Who?
Mazikeen: An eight-year-old girl who wandered into the bar.
Linda: Well... That's a start. Perhaps the next one can be of legal drinking age.

Barista: And your name?
Mazikeen: Mazikeen.
Barista: How do you spell that.
Mazikeen: Suprise me.

Mazikeen: [Answers phone] I don't know who punched a hole in the bathroom wall.
Chloe: That's not why I'm calling, but good to know.

Mazikeen: Looks like we're gonna need to pay Doug a visit.
Chloe: A guy like Doug's gonna...
Mazikeen: Lawyer up?
Chloe: First sign of police.
Mazikeen: We need...
Chloe: Leverage.
Mazikeen: I know what you're thinking.
Chloe: Might be the only way.
Mazikeen: But what about...
Chloe: It's dangerous.
Mazikeen: Then what if we...
Chloe: He'll see it coming.
Mazikeen: [Thinks, then smiles] I have an idea.
Chloe: [Gasps] Absolutely not, Maze! You should be ashamed of yourself.
Mazikeen: Fine! Fine! We'll do it your way.
Chloe: Good.

Ned: Ms. Lopez! I've heard so much about you. Only been here a couple weeks, and everyone says you're just an absolute ray of sunshine.
Mazikeen: [Flatly] Yeah, that's me. Rainbows, science, God.

Eve: My Maziqueen's gonna to rule that throne.
Mazikeen: I'm gonna make you proud. Subjugating scum, grinding my siblings under my boot

Mazikeen: Good luck mojoing a blind guy.
Lucifer: I don't need eyes to find out the Sinnerman's desire, ergo his weakness. There are other ways to learn what someone wants.
Mazikeen: What ways?
Lucifer: [Has no clue] Just... ways.

Lucifer: Nothing screams weekend like tequila and scantily-clad women. And tequila. Cheers.
Mazikeen: It's Wednesday.

Linda: [Charlie is crying] You're welcome to stay, but it's kind of loud.
Mazikeen: Pain and suffering. Music to my ears.

Mazikeen: What is it?
Linda: I thought someone was following me.
Mazikeen: Who?
Linda: You! You are following me.

Linda: You're a demon. He told me. I thought it was a sexual metaphor.
Mazikeen: Well, you're not wrong there.

Ella: What are you trying to do, torture me?
Mazikeen: Totally.

Lucifer: The detective is annoying me with questions that clearly won't lead anywhere, so I need a favor.
Mazikeen: Favors are your thing, not mine.

Chloe: Maze, is that blood?
Mazikeen: Don't worry about it.

Mazikeen: You ever do something awesome for somebody, and they just don't care?
Linda: I'm a therapist. Being taken for granted is in the job description.
[Pointly]
Linda: Like, for example, when a friend uses your lunch break for free therapy, and doesn't say thank you.
Mazikeen: [Not getting it] You want me to take care of this friend of yours?

Mazikeen: You opened your stitch, didn't you?
Ben: I hope I didn't lose the button.

Chloe: How do you know if you can trust people?
Mazikeen: It's simple. I can't. People will always let you down. You know what I do trust? Pain.

Mazikeen: You know what they say. "Happy wife, happy life".

Mazikeen: I'm here for the truth.
Tío: You don't have to do this.
Mazikeen: No.
[Smiles]
Mazikeen: I *get* to do this.

Mazikeen: I've seen your mom dress sluttier than this.
Chloe: Okay, Maze, this is an interrogation disguised as a casual dinner. There's no need to get dolled up.

Mazikeen: Yeah, well, maybe she's just using the sex toys we gave her as a thank you for agreeing to be our officiant.
Eve: We gave her a fruit basket.
Mazikeen: Exactly.

Mazikeen: I wish I had my knives.
Chloe: You're not gonna need 'em.
Mazikeen: I never need them.

Mazikeen: My next bounty should be here any minute.
Linda: You got your bounty to come to you? How'd you pull that off?
Lucifer: Let me guess. Blackmail. No. Promise of a threesome.

Lily: What do you want from me?
Mazikeen: I wanted to come and see you... . I wanted to know why you abandoned us. Why you abandoned me.
Lily: I did it to make you strong, and it worked. Just look at you. I can see you don't need anyone.
Mazikeen: Yeah... . Look at me.

Chloe: For the last time, Maze, we're not having a threesome.
Mazikeen: I'm OK to watch.
[someone knocks at the door]
Mazikeen: Showtime.
[Maze opens the door. It's Amenadiel]
Chloe: Oh, an orgy? Definitely off the table.

Mazikeen: I'm great at dismembering humans. How hard can it be to fix one?

Chloe: [to Bree. after diffusing the bomb] I think that means you can take your thumb off now.
Lucifer: And don't tell us where you want to put it next.
Mazikeen: [Cut to Maze, fighting Amenadiel] Up your butt!

Lucifer: I know that you'll always protect me. No matter how mortal I become, the Devil can depend on that.
Mazikeen: Yes, you can. Whatever the danger, I'll be there to stop it. Whether you see it coming or not.
Lucifer: That's my Maze.

Mazikeen: Did you know that Linda and Amenadiel are a thing?
Lucifer: Linda and Amenadiel are doing what now? How'd you know?
Mazikeen: Well, I saw them in her office. "Talking." They were clearly about to bone.
Lucifer: Right, you do realize that talking in her office is *literally* Linda's job?

Mazikeen: Text me when you've done the deed. Actually... I'll be able to tell by the plague of locusts.

Mazikeen: You were shot and you bled. No sharp objects until we find out why.
Lucifer: Oh, quite the opposite. The danger of getting hurt's positively thrilling.

Mazikeen: People count sheep, I count shots.

Mazikeen: And how did you kill them?
Linda: Really good. And hard. All the way dead.

Chloe: Drop the knife. This isn't you.
Mazikeen: Isn't it, though? I destroy things, Chloe. It's what I do. Friendships, relationships, apartment walls. And, apparently, I killed this lady's son.
Chloe: Maze, I know you didn't kill Mike Biltz, and you didn't kill Barry. And her son isn't your fault, either. We're all responsible for our own choices. And right now, you have to make one.

Mazikeen: Amenadiel? God's greatest goody-two-shoes?

Mazikeen: I asked you to talk. And you blow me off and hide in a freezer? I thought we were past all of this.
Lucifer: Oh, sure, yeah, thought I'd just hang around in here like a frozen side of beef just to avoid you. Hello! I was a prisoner!

Lucifer: You need to take the detective out and have fun. Three drinks should do the trick.
Mazikeen: Sucker's bet. Easy.
Lucifer: Yes, but you're not allowed to tie her up and pour booze down her throat.
Mazikeen: ...Less easy.

Mazikeen: I talked to the copycat. Well, "talk" isn't exactly the right word.
Lucifer: Well, did he scream anything of value?

Chloe: [At murder scene] What do you think?
Mazikeen: Mm. I think I boned him.
Chloe: Maze, just because you happened to have slept with that one murder victim a few weeks ago doesn't mean that you slept with them all.
Mazikeen: How am I supposed to keep up, Chloe?
Chloe: With the murder victims, or the people you slept with?

Charlotte: God made Chloe.
Mazikeen: Yeah. He kind of made them all

Charlotte: Lucifer may be stubborn, but he listens to you.
Mazikeen: Hate to break it to you, but if you're buttering me up, it ain't gonna work. You have bad news to give your son? Suck it up and do it yourself.

Mazikeen: So this is the first man. Guess God had to start somewhere.

Trixie: Is Lucifer here?
Mazikeen: Who are you supposed to be?
Trixie: I'm Trixie, his friend.
Mazikeen: His friends get worse and worse.

Ella: So, I was watching "Chinatown", right? And all of a sudden, it hits me. I need to go to L.A. I mean, do you ever feel like God is telling you to do something?
Mazikeen: [Curtly] No.

Dr. Bette Crain: Do you see that little protrusion right there? You're having a boy.
Amenadiel: A boy?
Mazikeen: [Looks at ultrasound] Better luck next time.
Amenadiel: Do you see a second protrusion anywhere? Maybe even a third?
Dr. Bette Crain: Typically, there's only one penis.

Lucifer: How do we find Abel? Keep an ear out for someone babbling in Sumerian?
Mazikeen: Oh, no, no. He speaks in English. And all the romance languages. Arabic, Mandarin. I mean, he's a little dated, and his Hindi needs work.

Linda: [officiating Eve's and Maze's wedding] Between Heaven and Hell, there's an imperfect place. Our place, here on Earth. That's where these two women met. One who sees the best in people, and one who can torture the worst out of them. But these two women, they understood each other, and together they made, in this imperfect place, something that might actually be perfect.
Mazikeen: Why? 'Cause you got kidnapped?
Linda: Uh... yep. That's exactly why.

Amenadiel: Maze, if this is about...
Mazikeen: This isn't about about Eve. God, why does everyone keep thinking that?
Amenadiel: Actually, I was going to say "your mother".
Mazikeen: Oh.

Linda: Maze! You're Back!
Mazikeen: Yeah. Oh.
[They hug]
Mazikeen: I missed you too, girl.
Amenadiel: Where was your bounty this time, Mazikeen ?
Mazikeen: Uh, Cleveland. Now I'm banned from Ohio.

Mazikeen: It's all so complicated here, Lucifer. I mean, caring about humans always goes wrong. Feelings suck. I am not the one who's supposed to be tortured.

Mazikeen: So, what do you want with Lucifer?
Trixie: He cheers me up.

Lucifer: To Mazikeen, Queen of Hell.
Mazikeen: I was thinking 'Maziqueen'. But whatever.

Chloe: What did you do to the babysitter?
Mazikeen: Me? She's the one who didn't knock. I had no time to hide my toys.

Mazikeen: Linda.
Linda: You don't have to say anything. Your actions speak plenty.
Mazikeen: That's the thing. Actions are easy for me. That's why I *need* to say it. I'm sorry.

Muffy: [Maze is posing as a masseuse] Um, is it normal for you to massage my boobs?
Mazikeen: I can stop if you want.
Muffy: ...Didn't say that.

Mazikeen: Well, if you go by someone else's pace, it shows how much you really care.
Chloe: That's... incredibly insightful.
Mazikeen: I learned it from sex.
Chloe: That's more you.

Mazikeen: Linda?
[Knocks]
Mazikeen: I know you're in there. I have something to show you.
[Slides a paper under the closed office door]
Mazikeen: My first check.
[Excited]
Mazikeen: I got paid; as a bounty hunter! LAPD paid me this finder's fee to track down some human scumbag. Hunting humans is a job. Who knew?

Mazikeen: You know, despite all the books you've read, all the degrees on your wall, you forgot the one rule that matters. Hos before bros!

Lucifer: The demons in question are Dromos and Squee. Hardly the brightest bulbs in the hellfire chandelier.
Mazikeen: I hate those two. Especially Squee.
Lucifer: Well, everyone hates Squee.

Marcus: [after getting shot] Thanks for the heads-up.
Mazikeen: You said you wanted to die. Make up your mind, cupcake.

Trixie: Do you like little kids?
Mazikeen: I've dealt with filthy, screaming humans before. At least these are smaller.

Mazikeen: You don't care about anyone other than yourself, unless they can be of use to you. Sound familiar?
Lucifer: [his eyes turn red] Tread very carefully, Maze.
Mazikeen: You're just like your parents.
[They start fighting]

Mazikeen: You said I'm part of this family, Linda. So I'm going to protect you.
Linda: Maze, the people I am seeing this afternoon are a vegan chef who compulsively shoplifts... and a record producer who wets the bed.

Eve: You sure you don't want to invite your siblings?
Mazikeen: Yeah, no. You know, it's supposed to be "eat, drink and be merry." Not "eat, drink and be wary that a bunch of soulless, torture-savvy demons are gonna ruin your wedding."

Mazikeen: You can't find a soulmate if you don't have a soul.

Mazikeen: I'll get him talking.
Lucifer: No. We've only got one shot at this. We can't risk him lawyering up or dying.

Mazikeen: I found the bitch.
Linda: Well, hi, Maze, and good morning to you.

Mazikeen: I can't believe I'm saying this, but Amenadiel is right. You are changing.
Lucifer: I don't mind the odd smart-assed remark, Maze. They can be quite amusing. But don't you dare disrespect me.
Mazikeen: Or what? You'll cry really hard on my shoulder?
Lucifer: You will not speak to me this way!

Mazikeen: The Goddess of Creation burns your face once and you freak out.
Linda: Well... Pierce... I mean, Cain, did threaten to send his thugs to murder me, too, but, you know, who's counting?

Mazikeen: But I still feel like I need something that says, you know, "I've returned to fiercely rule over you for all of eternity." But like not in a needy way. Think murderously aspirational.

Mazikeen: I don't think Amenadiel is the one weaponizing Chloe.
Lucifer: You don't think? Game's too dangerous to be guessing. I think it's time to send my brother back to high Heaven. Forcibly, if necessary.

Dan: I really thought you died, Maze.
Mazikeen: You think I'd take a bullet for you? Well... not in the chest, anyway.

Mazikeen: [describing her childhood] I had two rocks when I was growing up. One sharp, one not. Take the sharp one and try to stab things, take the dull one and try to make it sharp.
Amenadiel: That, uh, that explains a lot.

Mazikeen: I forgot my knife. Must have left it here somewhere.
Lucifer: Oh, no, not one of your Hell-forged blades... that is a loss.
Mazikeen: Not a blade. A knife. Forged in... I don't know, China.

Lt. Herrera: Listen, if you're serious about this, you need to know that Rivers is manipulative. He's dangerous.
Mazikeen: Oh, does he know kung fu?
Lt. Herrera: Uh... I don't think so.
Mazikeen: Mm. Too bad.

Mazikeen: He got all upset with me because I laughed at the end of the movie. I thought it was a comedy. Have you seen it?
Eve: Marley And Me? No

Amenadiel: I'm not gonna interfere with my mother enjoying a little bit of happiness. Please.
Mazikeen: Fine. It's not like I wanted to watch, anyway. Even I have my limits.

Mazikeen: Of course I was mad. You broke my heart.
Eve: I did? That's awesome. I mean, that's awful. Awful.

Trixie: I can't let Maze go alone. Someone needs to cover her back.
Mazikeen: Thanks, little human.

Chloe: You know what? Never mind. I don't want to make you sick with my feelings.
Mazikeen: No. Come on. I'm listening, I promise. No more earbuds.
Chloe: Okay. Trixie might get into this private school, and it could be really, really good for her. But it's super exclusive, and I'm not sure I want her in that kind of environment.
Mazikeen: That what's you're so worried about?
[Chloe nods]
Mazikeen: All right. A school like that is great for Trixie.
Chloe: You think so?
Mazikeen: Yeah. Fancy-pants rich kids? They're like vipers, okay? Trixie will learn to slash them with her words. Then I will teach her the knives.
Chloe: Oh, okay. I think... I know you're trying to help, but I don't think you can help me with... with this now.

Chloe: What's the job?
Mazikeen: Preschool aide
Trixie: Do you like little kids?
Mazikeen: I've dealt with filthy screaming humans before. At least these are smaller.

Mazikeen: Can't believe you called the cops.
Chloe: Maze, for the last time, stop telling people to not call the cops.

Linda: Of course we lied, Maze. Look at you. You have a tendency to overreact.
Mazikeen: I do not... overreact.
[Stabs table]

Mazikeen: So, about this lead?
Chloe: Yes. It... "It's safe where you stored it."
Ella: Where I stored what?
Mazikeen: Wait, did you store it or did she store it?
Chloe: "You stored it, and it's safe."
Mazikeen: What did I store, though?
Chloe: No, not you.
Mazikeen: Who stored what? I'm so confused.
Chloe: I'm confused, too.

Amenadiel: All of my actions, all of my feelings, they were all just based on lies. You see, I thought I had fallen, and I -
[is tasered]
Mazikeen: I don't get paid by the hour.

Lucifer: Finally, Maze, answers will be mine.
Mazikeen: Right.
Lucifer: If you could say that with less sarcasm, I'd appreciate it.
Mazikeen: No, no, I'm sure you're right. I'm sure a human jail will stop a soldier of God.
Lucifer: That's actually *more* sarcasm.

Mazikeen: I'm always going to be the consolation prize for you. You only care about me when you don't have Chloe.
Lucifer: Maze, now hold on, that's...
Mazikeen: [Crying] NO! No one puts me first, least of all you! None of you deserve me.

Dan: The school called. Apparently, Trixie gave pot brownies to Ms. Benson for Teacher Appreciation Day.
Mazikeen: Well, did she appreciate them?
Dan: No, she didn't, Maze. She didn't appreciate being rushed to the hospital when she couldn't feel her legs anymore.

Charlotte: We'll start by stating our grievances. Who'd like to go first?
Mazikeen: She lied and betrayed me. Next.

Mazikeen: I know that you know... You know.
Chloe: Right. So you just hid in the dark and... waited for the creepiest moment ever to say something?
Mazikeen: Old habits, I guess.

Mazikeen: Op mijn beve, brothers and sisters!
Eve: That is so sexy.
Mazikeen: Not now.
Eve: Right.
Mazikeen: Definitely later.

Mazikeen: Maybe only an angel could love a soulless demon.

Chloe: [talking about Lucifer] In fact, I think it's time for us to take our relationship to the next level.
Mazikeen: Are you saying you're going to bone him?

Mazikeen: I think you're right. Black Sabbath is a little too mellow for the wedding.

Lucifer: Where were you, Maze?
Mazikeen: Wait, you think I'm helping her? Have you forgotten who *actually* tortured her in Hell?
Lucifer: Well, desperation makes for strange bedfellows... I've just pictured you in bed with my mom. Oh, I can't un-see that now.

Chloe: You and Lucifer seem really close.
Mazikeen: I followed him through the gates of hell.
Chloe: I'll take that as a yes.

Charlotte: If you don't let all the icky feelings out, things tend to fester, and turn gangrenous, and, well... nobody likes losing a limb.
Mazikeen: Not true.

Ella: You got any siblings?
Mazikeen: Thousands and thousands.
Ella: Yeah. It could feel like that sometimes. You close to any of them?
Mazikeen: My family doesn't do "close." We mostly tortured each other.
Ella: My brothers used to put their knees on my arms and dangle a loogie right over my face.

Lucifer: Maze? Ah, good, you're still here. I have a job for you.
Mazikeen: On my way out, Lucifer. No more jobs.
Lucifer: Yes, yes, I know. You don't work for me anymore. Very clear. But I have a feeling you're gonna love this one. Just think of it as a parting gift.

Chloe: Please don't tell me you made reservations at somewhere fancy.
Mazikeen: Opposite of fancy. It's here.
Chloe: *Here*. Why?
Mazikeen: Well, duh, your bedroom's here. Where else are we gonna have sex?

Linda: [Partying at Lux] How do you do this every night?
Mazikeen: How do you not?
Linda: Fear of liver failure, mostly.

Mazikeen: I will not make fun of you. I promise.
Amenadiel: I don't believe you.
Mazikeen: You shouldn't.

Mazikeen: Go. Embrace your deepest, darkest desire. Let those sinful little embers burn into a flame.
Charlotte: Why?
Mazikeen: We'll meet again... eventually. Somewhere hotter. And the more you sin, the more fun it'll be for me. Think of this as foreplay.

Mazikeen: With my knives and your gun? Piece a cake.
Dan: One small problem. I don't actually have my gun.
Mazikeen: You're a cop and you don't have your gun?
Dan: I'm supposed to be on vacation!
Mazikeen: A boring one, apparently.

Lucifer: You tried waterboarding?
Mazikeen: Twice.
Lucifer: Bamboo under the nails?
Mazikeen: Do I look like an amateur?
Lucifer: Nickelback on repeat?
Mazikeen: That's where I started.

Marcus: I have a new plan. Well, same plan, new victim.
Mazikeen: Who's the sacrificial lamb?
Marcus: God's favorite son.

Linda: Maze, you know I'm not going anywhere, right?
Mazikeen: Maybe not on purpose, but you're gonna drop dead in what? Five years?
Linda: How old do you think I am?

Mazikeen: I've been thinking, and I've decided. I don't care if you die.
Eve: That's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Linda: Okay, what are you doing?
Mazikeen: Checking to see if your eyes are bleeding.
Linda: Okay, why?
Mazikeen: Um, well, I found this medical book in Lucifer's library and it says that bleeding eyes are bad.
Linda: Okay. This book is from the 14th century.

Joan: Well, if it isn't our clever little friend with the knives. So nice of you to join us.
Mazikeen: Back off. He's mine.
Ben: Okay, first off, ladies, I don't belong to anyone. And, secondly, I got these guys exactly where I want them. This gun to my head? I like it there.
[Looks at goons]
Ben: And these big scowly dudes? Harmless.

Mazikeen: Is it true that human spawn erupt from their mothers' bodies in a ceremony of blood and pain?
Linda: What? No.
Mazikeen: In hell... torture via birth was a favorite. If half of what we did is accurate... your sex holes are never going back to normal.

Mazikeen: You want to know where Abel is... ask yourself. Where would caveman Lucifer go?

Eve: [Doing a practice date] Hey, I'm Eve.
Mazikeen: Hey. I'm Maze. Nice to meet you. Want to have sex?
Eve: Good. There's nothing wrong with having sex on a first date. But, you know, maybe just wait a few sentences before you go there.

Mazikeen: Fancy pants rich kids are vipers and Trixie will slash them with her words. And I will teach her the knives.

Chloe: Lucifer!
Lucifer: [Wakes up] Am I dreaming? No, wait, I can't be; you're both dressed.

Lucifer: [On Charlotte's prospects as an escapee] I mean... how far can a celestial being trapped in a feeble human body for the first time get?
Mazikeen: Well let's see: she's stupid hot, wearing my clothes, and she's got a corporate credit card.
Lucifer: [Stunned realization] Bollocks...

Trixie: Is this a Shirley Temple?
Mazikeen: [adds a cherry to Trixie's bourbon] Sure.

Mazikeen: You know, back there when you got shot... I hated that.
Eve: Yeah, it wasn't great for me either.

Lucifer: I'm here to stay, Maze. And I truly hate to disappoint you, but... well, this is where I have to be now. And I know, even with all the sex and drugs... and more sex, this isn't what you bargained for. And I know you made a vow, but...
Mazikeen: But nothing. I am with you, Lucifer, from now until the end.

Mazikeen: I'm worried that humans are rubbing off on you. Stop caring. You're the Devil.

Mazikeen: You and I are flowing, Chlo. Same page.
Chloe: Nope. Different books altogether.

Mazikeen: What? Are you still upset about me trying to betray you and kill you? That was a month ago.
Lucifer: No, of course not. What do you think I am? Human?