300 Best Chloe Decker Quotes

Lucifer: Lucifer reaches to touch crotch
Chloe: DONT touch the charred crotch walks away mumbling never thought i would every had to say that without looking shouts DONT

Axara: [Burning sage] After what happened to Jill, I'm smudging my space, and my heart.
Chloe: And my lungs.

Chloe: We could really use your help.
Reese: [Disheveled] How can I help you, Detective?
Lucifer: Shower and a shave, maybe.

- Commercial grade.
- That's the Van that ran over Leo.
- I mean, this pretty much confirms that this guy's our killer.
Chloe: Okay.
- So maybe we can get an ID.
- Let's run the license plate.

Lucifer: ...So I'm standing there, buck naked, and then when I take my blindfold off, I realize my naughty girlfriend has only snuck us into the aquarium after hours.
[laughs]
Lucifer: Next thing I know, we're tangled in the touch pool like a pair of randy merpeople. It was so Shape of Water.
Ella: Well, that just made my bucket list.
Lucifer: And Eve did this thing with a conch shell... it was very creative, actually. I'll draw you a diagram if you'd like.
Chloe: No. We're good. We get it.

Chloe: It's like a sting/date combo. You know, it's a nice work/life balance, Lucifer.

Chloe: There's Chet. I'll go talk to him.
Charlotte: You know, that's wise. You seem more his type than me, and you're not particularly intimidating, so that should help.
Chloe: Help what?
Charlotte: Well, in seducing him, of course
Chloe: I'm not gonna seduce him, Charlotte.
Charlotte: Not with that posture you're not. Fine. I'll do it.
Chloe: No. No. There's gonna be no seducing!

Lucifer: Okay, Detective, this next part will be much easier if you're not here, so I'm gonna politely ask you to leave, okay?
Chloe: I'm not going anywhere.

Ella: Oh, you're nervous that you won't measure up in bed. I mean, he is pretty experienced. I mean, I'd put it, like, in the thousands, probably.
[Chloe makes a face]
Ella: But you know what, you got this. You totally got this. You're sexy.
Chloe: That actually hadn't crossed my mind.
Ella: Oh, you're waiting on an STD check! Super smart.

Chloe: [Murder victim is surrounded by breast implants] What are all these?
Lucifer: These are boobs. Yes, I'd know them anywhere. C-cups to be precise. Oh, look at these.
[Picks some up and starts juggling]
Chloe: Please don't... juggle the evidence, Lucifer.
[Looks at Reese]
Chloe: But it's fine if he does, 'cause, you know, they've already been processed.
Lucifer: They're called "fun bags" for a reason!

Lucifer: Hello, mean girl. Did you know there's a special section of Hell reserved for bullies? So, have fun.
[she screams as he shows her demonic eyes under his human ones]
Chloe: [coming out of the principal's office] What did you do?
Lucifer: Oh... I just think someone's feeling a little guilty.

Chloe: Jed, meet Lucifer.
Lucifer: "Jed"?
Jed: Yeah, it's my real name. What's yours?
Lucifer: [Scoffs]

Lucifer: So, Detective, looks like you've solved another case because of me.
Chloe: I solved this case despite you.

Ella: Okay, so based on the burn pattern, which is pretty gnarly in this case, it looks like the highest concentration of accelerant was placed, well...
[Gestures to the victims genitals]
Ella: Here.
Lucifer: Goodness gracious, great balls of fire.
Chloe: [Not assumed] Lucifer.
Lucifer: I mean, I've heard of hot pants, but this really brings new meaning to the term "fire crotch," doesn't it?
Chloe: *Lucifer*.
Lucifer: Wait. I have more. "Smokey Bobinson". "Weekend at Burnie's".
Ella: His burning bush?
Lucifer: Oh, very good! That was actually me, by the way, so don't tell anyone

Chloe: So what do we have?
Dan: [Speaking simultaneously] This is Sandra Baez...
Ella: Yeah.
Dan: She was 32 years old...
Dan: Yep.
Dan: And a history teacher.
Lucifer: Whatever's happening here is undoubtedly somehow my fault.

Chloe: This is the longest you've ever gone without talking. *Ever*. Is something on your mind?
Lucifer: Nothing. That's the problem.

Frankie: If there's anything I can do to help with Joey's killer, you let me know, 'cause I would love to bring him in.
Charlotte: [Whispers] That means he would kill him.
Chloe: Oh, thank you, Charlotte.

Chloe: Lieutenant, we need you on this case.
Lucifer: [sighs] And I normally love threesomes.

Chloe: [about a painting of the Devil] Looks just like you.
Lucifer: Pfft. I manscape.

Chloe: Rory, don't listen to him.
- Just put down the gun.
- Ah, ah, ah, ah. It's the only way she's gonna believe me.
- Come on, Rory.
- You've wanted to hurt me ever since you got here.
- So now's your chance. Pull that trigger.
- Come on, go on, shoot me.

Chloe: I think you're gonna miss my incredible musical prowess the most.
Lucifer: Really? I think there are a few other talents I'm gonna miss a lot more.
Chloe: What? Like my ability to snore like an Albanian field wench?
Lucifer: Yes. Exactly that.

Lucifer: Do we get to kick in the door? As your self-sacrificing partner, I volunteer to go first.
Chloe: No, there'll be no kicking in of anything, unless we have a warrant, or people are in immediate danger. You better start taking this case seriously.

Chloe: Well, I thought that maybe this could be our new normal. If you like.
Lucifer: What, you work and I drink? What's not to like about that?

Lucifer: I'm simply saying that we should be focusing on more pressing criminal issues.
Chloe: Such as?
Lucifer: Well, I'm glad you asked, actually.
[Opens newspaper]
Lucifer: The death of Celeste McDougall. Very suspicious, indeed.
Chloe: She was 92.
Lucifer: Yes, and fit as a fiddle. I mean, look at that smug face.

Chloe: Lucifer!
Lucifer: [Wakes up] Am I dreaming? No, wait, I can't be; you're both dressed.

Chloe: Electrocuting a colleague? Blowing up his own studio? No one would go that far just to be near me.
Lucifer: Well, I did go to Hell and back for you, twice, but who's counting?

Marcus: I wouldn't do that, Chloe.
Chloe: You don't have to do this, Pierce.
Marcus: Yes, I do. And normally, I would just skip town and reinvent myself. But this time, I can't. Not before I kill Lucifer.
Chloe: What? Why?
Marcus: Because I know that he'll never stop hunting me. And I can't afford to spend the rest of my days looking over my shoulder. But you don't have to die, Chloe. Step away from him.
Lucifer: Detective, for once, I agree with this imbecile. Step aside.

[Softly] Just a second.
Chloe: What are you doing?
- Cutting to the chase.
- I'm gonna put azrael's blade in his hand and see if he kills me.
- Then, we'll have our answer.
- Seriously?
- Are you really willing to die to prove that you didn't abandon your daughter?
- Apparently so.

Mazikeen: Can't believe you called the cops.
Chloe: Maze, for the last time, stop telling people to not call the cops.

Chloe: Oh, god.
Lucifer: Not quite yet.

Chloe: No photos at a crime scene. Sorry.
Esther: Not even one last one with the handsome cop?
Lucifer: Don't let the boring detective spoil things. It would be my pleasure.
[Ester walks past him to take a selfie with Dan]
Lucifer: ... Obviously, I'm far too well-dressed to be a cop.

Alexa: Do you know what it's like to have someone take away an assistant you depend on?
Chloe: Yes, I do, actually.
Alexa: I mean, I-I am seriously lost here without her. I-I don't even know how to call out of the office. Do you know how?

Chloe: Can you give us the access to your security footage?
Lalo: That's above my pay grade. You'd have to talk to the big man upstairs.
Lucifer: God?
Lalo: Uh, no. The company's owner.

Chloe: You've never liked me. Why?
Mazikeen: Because every day was a party. Every sin, every desire L.A. offered, we took part. And then he met you.
Chloe: So you think it's my fault that the party's over?
Mazikeen: That and the fact that you're hunting him down like a dog.

- Yeah.
- Um, this drawing...
Chloe: It's almost identical to the one in the photo.
- Did Mira draw it?
- Mira, the girl that I'm looking for, did she draw this picture?
- We don't mean Mira any harm.
- But she was here, wasn't she?

Chloe: 250 guests. You know what that means.
Lucifer: Great party.
Chloe: 250 suspects.

Chloe: You're the devil. But you're also an angel.

Chloe: Drop the knife. This isn't you.
Mazikeen: Isn't it, though? I destroy things, Chloe. It's what I do. Friendships, relationships, apartment walls. And, apparently, I killed this lady's son.
Chloe: Maze, I know you didn't kill Mike Biltz, and you didn't kill Barry. And her son isn't your fault, either. We're all responsible for our own choices. And right now, you have to make one.

Chloe: Once I shot Lucifer to prove he was the Devil, and now I'm shooting you to prove that you're not.

Lucifer: Isn't that a coincidence? Boy returns home, and, conveniently, his pops drops the next day? Lucky bastard.
Chloe: Maybe.

Lucifer: We can't miss the part of the case where we chase the suspect. Or you chase and I watch,
Chloe: I mean. Or you could help this time.
[Runs through crowd]
Chloe: Out of the way. Out of the way.
Lucifer: [Grabs a tire off the wall and throws it at suspect] See? Didn't have to chase him at all. He got tired.
[Chloe glares at him]
Lucifer: Oh, come on, I thought that was one of my better puns.

Dan: Trixie's finally down.
Chloe: She conned you into reading the book about the sneezing panda, didn't she?
Dan: Five times.

- Sure. Why don't we talk about it over game night?
- Oh, wait. That's something you only do with Trixie, who is not even his real daughter.
Chloe: Rory!
- I do not believe this.
- You guys, come over here.
Lucifer: Game night happened twice.

Chloe: He told me about a prophecy.
Lucifer: [Scoffs] Right. What is it this time? Frogs about to start falling from the sky, or... perhaps 'winter is coming'.

Lucifer: Detective, this is a chance for me to use my devilish strength. You can see what I'm truly capable of.
Chloe: Or I can just point my gun at him and yell, "Freeze!"

Chloe: Ok, I get it: you wanna feel new things.
Lucifer: Exactly!
Chloe: [Chloe unexpectedly lamps him one hard on the cheek] How's that?
Lucifer: Bloody hell, that hurt! Do it again!

- Guard: Detective gennaro?
- 0h.
- Right this way.
Chloe: Thank you so much.
- Guard: My pleasure.
- Game on.
- J'j'

- Holding me back.
Chloe: Is that normal?
- Absolutely not.
- "You're only holding me back."
- That's one of the things the devil-monster said to Jimmy in the cartoon.
- -Remember? 4ndeed.

Lucifer: I know that I've been acting...
Chloe: Insecure. Childish. Possessive.
Lucifer: Well, I was going to say "strangely".

Chloe: Are you saying you don't believe in Lucifer?
Onyx: Look, mate, the devil ain't gonna buy me an Aston Martin.
Lucifer: Well, not with that attitude, he won't.

Dan: [Running to catch Beckett, who has stolen Lucifer's car] What, Beckett? Yup. I'm looking right at her.
Chloe: Dan, where are you? You were supposed to be at the precinct hours ago.
Dan: I... uh, yeah. Sorry. Battery.
[Hangs up, Lucifer strolls up]
Dan: What, you couldn't run? I mean, it is your car.
Lucifer: Oh, I'll get it back, unlike your dignity.

Chloe: I can let my guard down with you. I don't do that with anyone else. You make me vulnerable. And... maybe that's okay.
Lucifer: Detective... if it's any consolation to your pride... it appears you make me vulnerable, too.

- You know, you seem more like your regular self tonight.
- Do I?
- Mm-hmm.
- Donovan glover?
Chloe: LAPD!
- Oh. [Clears throat]
- I don't believe he heard you.

Mazikeen: [Answers phone] I don't know who punched a hole in the bathroom wall.
Chloe: That's not why I'm calling, but good to know.

Chloe: How?
- Lexy's bloody clothes.
- I was supposed to get rid of them, and I didn't.
- I didn't even care about Harvard.
- Lexy just wanted me to be someone I'm not, and I should've stood up to her before anybody got hurt.
- I'm so sorry.

Chloe: Dan slept with Charlotte?
Lucifer: Trust me, you're not half as disgusted by that as I am.
Chloe: Is there anyone who hasn't slept with that woman?

Chloe: I am choosing to be here, and if you're not gonna help, you should probably just leave.
Lucifer: Well, we both know I'm not gonna do that. I'm your partner.

Lucifer: [Recreating crime scene] Can I have a gun? I feel like Nikolas would definitely have a gun.
Chloe: No...
Dan: Actually he was more of a hammer guy. Liked to break fingers and arms.
Chloe: Okay...
Dan: Some legs and teeth.
Lucifer: Right. Can I have a hammer, then?

Chloe: They're shooting their ad campaign here on Stage 69.
Lucifer: [On his phone, not listening] Mm-hmm.
Chloe: Should be just past the creepy flasher.
Lucifer: That's nice.
Chloe: Lucifer, I know you're not listening to me. Creepy flasher? Stage 69?
Lucifer: [Looks up] 69? What-- where?

- We need to ask you a few questions about Ty Huntley.
- I've got nothing to say.
- It's either here or down at the station.
- Leave me alone!
Chloe: Debra...
- See?
- Warmer.

Chloe: Why would Destiny Page be calling a nun at a convent that she wants to buy?
Amenadiel: Well, her latest album was a testament to a new-found faith, and the one that she's working on now is supposed to continue in that vein.
[Chloe gives Amenadiel a look]
Amenadiel: Please don't tell Lucifer.

Lucifer: It's a very difficult day... because...
Chloe: Today.
Lucifer: Today is...
Chloe: The first day.
Lucifer: The first day..
Chloe: Of..,
Lucifer: Of...
Chloe: The trial
Lucifer: Trial of...
Chloe: ...My dad's killer.
Lucifer: Trial of my dad's killer!
[Confused]
Lucifer: Nietzsche?

Chloe: We got to make a pit stop.
Lucifer: What? No, absolutely not.
Chloe: My kid got into a fight. I got to pick her up.
Lucifer: What, can't she get herself home?
Chloe: She's seven.
Lucifer: Look, I'm not here to help you run errands. I'm here to help you solve a homicide.
Chloe: Really?

Chloe: Are you drunk?
Lucifer: I wish. Pesky supernatural metabolism keeps getting in the way. Still doesn't stop me trying, though.

Chloe: Oh, sorry. Am I interrupting some creepy foreplay you two have?

Mazikeen: So now this is my fault?
[Storms out]
Lucifer: Demons. Am I right?
Chloe: Lucifer, name-calling isn't gonna help.

Lucifer: His desire was to become the new Godfather, a Scarface for millennials.
Chloe: You introduced him to the mob?
Lucifer: ...I may have gotten him an internship.

Lucifer: It's me. It's Lucifer.
Chloe: Do you expect me to fall for that again?
Lucifer: But... Look at the hair... or the perfectly arranged pocket square. Could Michael pull this off? I don't think so.

- just as much as you do.
- Why? Because you're feeling guilty?
- Why would I feel guilty?
- Because you're the one who performed the little miracle on the detective's mum in the first place.
- That wasn't my...
Chloe: You what?

Chloe: Partners to the end. Right?
Lucifer: Partners to the end.

Lucifer: I mean, seriously, a community center? This is where we'll find the deadly Yellow Viper?
Chloe: According to his parole officer.
Chloe: Oh, after five years behind bars, a brothel would be my go-to.

Chloe: Maybe I'm tired of playing a cop in the movies, you know? Maybe... Maybe I'd like to play detective for real.
Lucifer: What? Hang up the glitz and the glamour for a badge and a naked man with a harpoon?

[Man] I got cops over there!
- Come on, take off!
[Officer] LAPD.
- Drop your weapons.
Chloe: On the ground now!
- Hands where we can see 'em!
- Lucifer, Julian's getting away.

Lucifer: Should I go after her?
Chloe: No. We all have a choice. Let her make hers.

Chloe: Golden gun. It's unique and it sounds familiar.
Lucifer: Yes, Roger Moore's Bond films. Perhaps our killer's Scaramanga, the man with three nipples.

Lucifer: Poor Pauline.
Chloe: Pauline?
Lucifer: My friend who works the intake desk at the precinct. I'm helping her through a bad breakup. We've grown quite close since yesterday.

Chloe: Excuse me, Grace Foley?
Grace: Wha-- why are your clothes still on?
Lucifer: I ask myself that all the time.

Chloe: The killer inserted a knife into her throat, made two very precise cuts, slashing her vocal cords.
Chloe: Sounds like someone went to a lot of trouble to make a point.
Lucifer: Yes, I smell an annoyed neighbor who's tired of her singing.

Chloe: Thank you very much, Dr. Martin. We'll be in touch. All right, we gotta go.
Lucifer: Yes, of course, but I... I made a deal, so I'm gonna have to hold up my end of the bargain. You wouldn't mind waiting outside?
Chloe: [sotto] Are you seriously talking about having sex with her right now?
Lucifer: Well, it won't take long.
Linda: I do yoga. Hot... yoga. I'm freakishly flexible. Want to see?
[demonstrating]
Linda: Wow! I really tried to keep that one in.
Lucifer: Well, you tried; that's what matters.
[Chloe gets up to leave]
Lucifer: Uh, look, I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to take a rain check. I will be back, okay?
Linda: I certainly hope so.
Lucifer: My word is my bond.

Lucifer: How did we get stuck with the "B" team, anyway?
Chloe: Lucifer, this is Lancaster PD. The crime scene is on the L.A. border, so they're here helping.
Ella: I mean, I think they're doing a great job.
Dan: [Arrives at the scene] Geez. These Lancaster guys are a bunch of tools.

Chloe: Lucifer?
- Get up.
- Come on, get up.
- Put your hands behind your back.
- What happened to you?
- I...
- I don't know.

Lucifer: So Jana's killer had it in for this poor chap as well, did they?
Chloe: On the upside, looks like he didn't have anything to do with this case after all. Pretty sure you didn't sleep with this guy.
Lucifer: Uh, actually, you're wrong about that, Detective.
[Sadly]
Lucifer: Raj. So fit.

Lucifer: When I found out about this... manipulation, I felt the same way as you. But then I realized that it's far from a curse. It's a gift. I only hope that... in time, you come to see it that way, too.
Chloe: There is a huge difference, Lucifer. You were given a gift. I *am* that gift. I mean, I'm not even a person. I'm just a thing, created for someone else.

Michael: It's all part of a bigger plan.
Chloe: Plan? What, to make me dislike you even more?
Michael: No. But... Spoiler alert! It is gonna be epic.

- Look at the wallpaper.
Pete: And the carpet. Does it...
[Both] Ring a bell?
- She lives in this apartment building.
Chloe: On the ninth floor.
- Lucifer, let's go.
- Yeah.
- I'll take this way.

Lucifer: Another good deed but still no rush like before. Am I doing this wrong?
Chloe: In so many ways.

Chloe: I need to tell you something.
Lucifer: I'm all ears. Or horns, rather.

Lucifer: What's your greatest desire?
Grace: My greatest desire... is to stop shooting this exploitative garbage.
Lucifer: Garbage? What are you talking about? What you're doing is art.
Chloe: Is it, though?
Lucifer: Well, despite the unwelcome reminder of Dad and my wings, I've never wanted pudding more in my life.

Michael: You know that won't kill me.
Chloe: [shoots him a couple of times] Yeah, but it makes me feel better.

Lucifer: Hey, I should get my own desk.
Chloe: Not happening.

Chloe: You're really tan. Are you, uh, are you a surfer?
Blue: Well, I'd sure like to surf... in your eyes.
Lucifer: [Listening in van] Ugh, dearie me. He's lucky it's not a crime to be a cheeseball.

Charlotte: I'm the best.
Chloe: At getting criminals off.
Charlotte: Well, that's not true. I haven't slept with any of my clients.

- Oh, wait a second.
- Is that...
- Holy cow, ellz.
[Both] I think we found something!
Chloe: Coming.
- What'd you find?
- Check it out.

Chloe: Reese?
- It's detective Decker.
- We could really use your help.

Chloe: Any news on the move to Detroit?
Ella: Detroit schmetroit.

Chloe: What was stolen?
Amenadiel: My necklace.
Chloe: The estimated value?
Amenadiel: It's hard to say, really, uh... It's not of this world, so there's that. Priceless beyond measure.
Chloe: ...I'll just put down $40.

Amenadiel: I made a rendering. And I do believe that this should help you with your quest.
[Passes over badly drawn image of masked man]
Chloe: Okay. So a jack-o'-lantern stole your necklace?
Amenadiel: So you know this man? Where can I find this Mr. O'Lantern?

Chloe: I heard the divorce went through. What are you gonna do with your half of Lux?
Marcus: Very funny, Decker.

Chloe: If anyone can find something, it's you, Ella.
Ella: [goes to hug Chloe] Aw, that is so sweet!

Lucifer: [Looking at his burnt arm and scoffs] The Devil gets burned by fire. Could this be any more ironic?
[Decker chuckles at the statement]
Lucifer: Ah. Does my pain amuse you, Detective?
Chloe: A little bit.

Chloe: [Fake accent] "I'm Lucifer Morningstar. I can play the piano and I'm a fancy British man."
Linda: Let's go take a peek at his sock drawer.
Chloe: But, Dr. Martin, you're his therapist. Aren't there rules against that?
Linda: Trust me. There's nothing I don't know about Lucifer Morningstar.
Chloe: Except what's in his sock drawer.

Chloe: Uh, Linda, I'm not quite sure why Maze called you. But like I told you, this is a sting.
Linda: Oh, I thought you said "vodka".

Chloe: Have you ever considered donating any of your vast fortune to charity?
Lucifer: I've put many a nubile law student through college, thank you very much, several of which were named Charity, so...

Chloe: I realized the killer might seek out a sympathetic voice.
Dan: He wasn't sympathetic. He just used it as an excuse to tell even more micropenis jokes.

Chloe: We're not... normal.
Lucifer: No.
Chloe: We... we're us. And we're... incredible.

Chloe: Did you bring the tapes?
Adrian: Sorry, but no.
Chloe: What? Why not?
Charlotte: [entering the conference room] Because I told him not to. I'm Mr. Yates' attorney and the LAPD isn't laying a finger on those tapes.
Lucifer: [surprised] Mum?

Chloe: But I'm sure your father has a perfectly reasonable explanation.
Lucifer: I do, thank you. Maze was about to kill the first man, whom she used to scare the first woman away, so I had to go and nab some bride-soothing demons, aka, half the guest list.
Chloe: Maybe not perfectly normal, but...

Dan: if Maze did this, would any of you really be shocked?
[They all speak at the same time]
Chloe: Yeah.
Lucifer: No, not at all.
Ella: I would. There's no way.

- Well done, detective.
Chloe: No, he didn't follow us.
- He must have gotten the address somehow.
- Or someone told him.
- Either way, he's gonna get someone killed, probably himself.
- This love thing makes you all quite stupid, doesn't it?

Corrina: Maddie was a friend. The person who introduced me to the Glory Way. God, I can't believe that she's dead.
Chloe: I'm sorry. The glory what?
Lucifer: The glory hole.
Corrina: The Glory *Way*.

Chloe: Do I have any powers, or... anything cool? I don't know, laser beam hands, something?
[Silence from Amenadiel and Lucifer]
Chloe: No.
[Continues coldly]
Chloe: No. Of course not. They were just concerned with creating the perfect Mrs. Morningstar.

Lucifer: For the next day or so, I'm going to need you to be unpredictable. Whatever you normally do, just do the opposite.
Chloe: Too bad. I was totally going to have sex with you today.
Lucifer: Really?
[Smiles, then realizes]
Lucifer: ... Oh. Well played, Detective.

Lucifer: [Walking in on a suspect watching porn] LAPD. Show us what's in your hands.
Chloe: No, raise your hands above your head where we can see them.
Lucifer: Well, it might be a gun, Detective.
Chloe: [Trying not to look] It's not a gun.

Chloe: Who leaves their door open in la?
Lucifer: No one. Lock's broken.

Chloe: Freeze! L.A.P.D.! Drop the gun!
Chloe: [Beat] Wait. I'm a real cop with a real gun. That's a prop. Put it down.
Detective: Sorry. Force of habit.

Chloe: Let's go talk to your friend Sharon. See if his alibi checks out.
Lucifer: She's not my friend. She's just a woman that I... No, actually, that's worse.

Chloe: Dan slept with Charlotte?
Lucifer: Trust me, you're not half as disgusted by that as I am.
Chloe: Is there anyone who hasn't slept with that woman?
Lucifer: Uh...
[Raises a hand]

Chloe: All he has to do is get the Orcas riled enough that they try and rough him up. He yells the safe word, we move in, it's a piece of cake.
Dan: Although, I don't know how I'm supposed to get "surfs up" casually in a sentence. I mean, maybe we should consider using a different safe word.

Chloe: What are you doing here?
Lucifer: I'm here because I could really use your expertise. You're not busy, are you?
Chloe: Actually, shocker, I am busy. And it's really not a good day for... your... Luciferness.

Chloe: Sleeping with the Devil, it must be different somehow, right?
Linda: Well, it's not like he has a forked penis or anything.
Chloe: Oh, he doesn't?

Lucifer: I had the perfect title for The Plunge 2. 2 Deep 2 Plunge. With the number two, each time,
Lucifer: Instead of... the word.

Chloe: Care to explain why you sent Johnny Kane a threatening e-mail yesterday at 9:10 a.m.?
Lucifer: Busted, Mr. Hoffing. You may as well come clean now. Pun intended.

Chloe: [talking about Lucifer] In fact, I think it's time for us to take our relationship to the next level.
Mazikeen: Are you saying you're going to bone him?

Marco: Who the hell puts green onions and ranch dressing on a sandwich? You better hope that your friends are better at finding people than they are at taking food orders. 'Cause I'm beginning to lose my patience!
Chloe: [Whispering] Dan wouldn't make a mistake like that.
Lucifer: Are you sure? I once saw him eat a marble 'cause it was in a candy dish.

Chloe: Where were you last night, Helena?
Helena: I was on fresh meat patrol.
Lucifer: Ooh, good for you, Helena.
Chloe: No, it means training a new crew.

Chloe: Originally, the show was much edgier. About a guy dealing with his insecurities about his, um...
[Flustered]
Chloe: W-Well, I really don't want to tell you.
Lucifer: Ooh. Well, now I need to know.
Chloe: [Signs] Dealing with his insecurities about his, um, micropenis.
Lucifer: All right, well. Hold me closer, tiny donger. So you're saying we're looking for a needle in a penis stack.
Chloe: See, this is why I didn't want to tell you.

- Okay.
- All right.
- All right, Lucifer and I will go question blanco.
- And, well, you just stay here at the precinct where it's safe.
- Thanks, cherry Jane.
- What would I do without you?
Chloe: Okay.

Chloe: [Looking at Jana's phone] All threatening texts. All sent from the same number. This last one, just before she got to your place.
Lucifer: "Ditch the loser from Lux"? Oh, this is terrible. She was seeing someone else at Lux?
Chloe: I think it means you.

Chloe: Trust me, you do not want to talk to me right now.
Lucifer: You're right, I don't. You look scary.

Lucifer: PhD in psychology, certificate for behavioral therapy. I should have thought this woman had figured out human interaction, yet she provoked someone into killing her? Therapists don't really know anything, do they?
Chloe: Ooh, Lucifer's projecting his personal issues on the case. Guess we are back to normal.
[Lucifer chuckles]
Ella: Ah, man. I got into it with my shrink a couple of weeks ago.
Lucifer: What? You see a psychologist?
Ella: I know. You wouldn't think so, right? 'Cause I'm so upbeat all the time. But up here
[points to her head]
Ella: -- lot of darkness.
Lucifer: Really?

Mazikeen: I've seen your mom dress sluttier than this.
Chloe: Okay, Maze, this is an interrogation disguised as a casual dinner. There's no need to get dolled up.

Chloe: Finally, some rain. Maybe someone up there is looking out for us.
Lucifer: I can assure you, he's in no way meteorologically inclined. Apart from the whole Noah thing, and that was a one-off.

Chloe: LAPD!
- On the ground, now!
- On the ground.
- You. Over there.
Hipster: Dude, no way!
- The weaponizer just tried to jump me?

Chloe: Lucifer, you could go as Todd.
Dan: [Chuckles] Yeah, no, no, seriously. Look, he looks just like you.
[Todd is a balding, schlubby guy with glasses]
Lucifer: Has all that masturbation finally caught up with your eyesight, Daniel? No one'll believe that even if I tell them I've had a face *and* body transplant.

Lucifer: Hello, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Really?
Lucifer: How's the album sales doing?
Jimmy: What album?
Chloe: Soundtrack to "Time Will Tell," which you produced. Whitney Houston hit the top ten for album sales after her death. Michael Jackson hit the stratosphere. Not sure you'll achieve such heights having Delilah killed, but that sure is a boatload of royalty checks headed your way. Guess you really needed the cash, huh? Which is why you had to pay the shooter with your watch.
Lucifer: The watch Delilah gave you. Now, that's just sick. But then you are, so...
Chloe: [drawing her gun as he grabs a hostage] Hey, Jimmy?
Jimmy: I made her, and she ruined me. She humiliated me. She owes me.
Lucifer: You're not God, Jimmy. You didn't make her. But you did destroy her. So I'm gonna punish you.
Jimmy: You back off, you freak. I mean it. I am not going to jail for that bitch. No chance.
Chloe: Listen to him, Lucifer. Back off.
Lucifer: I told you, it's fine. I'm immortal.

Lucifer: [Reading Lieutenant ¡Diablo! script] This one would have been amazing. Diablo was going to solve a crime in space.
Chloe: Oh. Mm-hmm. And what was Dancer doing, a zero-G striptease?
Lucifer: Have you read this already?

Trixie: What's for dinner, Mommy?
Chloe: Greens, you little cake monster.

Lucifer: So, no sign of the murder weapon? Are you sure? Right. Nothing left for us to do here then, I suppose.
Chloe: Except for figuring out how six people were killed.

Jeffrey: I already... started seeing somebody else.
Chloe: So you were having an affair on your affair?

Chloe: You really told Lucifer where I was? Since when do you guys talk?
Dan: Since he helped me save your life.

Chloe: He had a drug problem, right?
Lucifer: Well, only if you consider ingesting millions of dollars of cocaine a problem. I call it a Tuesday. But apparently it's frowned upon.

Chloe: [Watching a video of Maze apparently stabbing a guy] You told her to blow off some steam?
Lucifer: Well, I was really hoping she'd choose Catalina.

Chloe: I don't know why, but I actually thought he'd be proud of me.
Lucifer: Well, disappointing fathers is a rite of passage, Ms. Decker. Take it from someone who's made a living out of it.

Chloe: For the last time, Maze, we're not having a threesome.
Mazikeen: I'm OK to watch.
[someone knocks at the door]
Mazikeen: Showtime.
[Maze opens the door. It's Amenadiel]
Chloe: Oh, an orgy? Definitely off the table.

Chloe: I can tell you're worried... And that's actually really endearing... But Dan's there.
Lucifer: That's worse.

Lucifer: Here's me being super-duper helpful: before the orderlies took the victim away, she told me who did attack her.
Chloe: Great. Who is it?
Lucifer: Santa Claus.
[Chloe sighs]

Chloe: Let's not jump to conclusions. It's not like the video shows her actually stabbing our Vic.
Lucifer: No. Merely plucking her knife out of his chest.

Chloe: Look, I know what you're doing.
Lucifer: Being the most selfless devil you've ever met?

Chloe: God, what am I doing here?
Lucifer: Wrong deity, but, yes, that is the eternal question.
Chloe: No. I mean here, in a bar, with you.
Lucifer: Well, I don't know. You tell me, Detective. I mean, despite your proclaimed revulsion, you can't deny that there's a connection between us. Tell me, what do you actually want?
Chloe: You mean what do I desire more than anything else in this life?
Lucifer: Yes.
Chloe: Mm-hmm.
Lucifer: No tricks. Not that they work on you, you freak. Seriously. I'm... I'm curious.
Chloe: I don't know. What... what I told you's true. I-I really do want to help people. My father was a cop. He was a great cop. My mother was an actress. Really cheesy one. I tried the acting thing. I took off my top. Wasn't really contributing to the betterment of society.
Lucifer: Oh, disagree. I love that movie.
Chloe: So I quit. Decided to become a cop like my dad and, uh, dealt with the whole "Hot Tub High School" thing, until, um, I became a detective and found a whole new way to ostracize myself.
Lucifer: Ah, the... reason your ex-maggot was pressuring you to close this?
Chloe: Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. There was a case, a shooting on Palmetto Street where a cop was shot, and I saw it differently than pretty much everyone in my department, including my ex. And I stuck my neck out, and it backfired.

Chloe: Malcolm has Trixie. If I get him his money, he'll let her go.
Lucifer: Right. Because if Malcolm's established anything, it's his trustworthiness.
Chloe: What choice do I have?
Lucifer: To ride shotgun with the Devil, for starters.

- Hey, oh, my god, are you okay?
- Have you seen Lucifer?
- No, sorry.
Chloe: Where is he?
- You're on your death bed and he's not there.
- He's never there.
- Oh, dear.

Lucifer: You know I don't lie, Detective.
Chloe: But you also don't tell the whole truth... Does this have to do with what you were upset about this morning, with your family?
Lucifer: Yes, but I can't explain, because you wouldn't understand.
Chloe: Not if you don't talk to me... Never mind. I thought we were past this. Going backwards, Lucifer, is not good. For anyone.

Chloe: I know how this goes. Ali's a young actress looking for a break, an agent promises to help her out, and in exchange she's treated like a party favor to your star clients.

Lucifer: You're quite adorable when you're flustered.
Chloe: I... I'm not flustered. I'm nauseous.
Lucifer: Now you're blushing; I'd say I'm making headway.
Chloe: Okay, look, let me make myself perfectly clear. I will never, ever, ever sleep with you. Never. Okay? Got it?
Lucifer: Playing hard to get, I like it.
Chloe: When Hell freezes over, Lucifer...
Lucifer: I can arrange that, actually.

Lieutenant: I found this... where Matt was killed. Fell out of his pocket. Just a little thing I like to call "evidence."
Chloe: You stole evidence from the crime scene?
Lucifer: To be fair, Detective, that is absolutely on-brand.

Chloe: What if Esther found out about Benji and Kim? Got jealous, lost control...
Lucifer: This goddess, jealous of the plain Jane? It's-it's ludicrous! It's like me being jealous of that paper clip. Or Daniel.

Mazikeen: You and I are flowing, Chlo. Same page.
Chloe: Nope. Different books altogether.

Chloe: After it became a family show... the micropenis got removed.
Lucifer: Did anyone even notice?
[Chuckles]

Lucifer: What are you doing, Detective?
Chloe: Sending him an e-mail.
Dan: What?
Lucifer: [Reads over Chloe's shoulder] "You pathetic sad sack. No wonder you didn't get tenure. Your experiments are as ugly as you are." Well said, Detective.
Dan: Seriously? Insulting a serial killer?
[Sarcastic]
Dan: That's an awesome idea.
Lucifer: Thank you.
[Turns back to Chloe]
Lucifer: Also, his mask is a bit lame. Could've been much creepier. Put that in.

Chloe: Lucifer?
- Shh.

Chloe: What Perry Smith deserved was to rot in jail for the rest of his life.
Mazikeen: But still. Pretty awesome that someone took him out, right? I bet it hurt. A lot.
Chloe: Whoever did this is no better than he was.

Lucifer: You know I don't lie, Detective.
Chloe: But you also don't tell the whole truth.

Dan: Hey, don't blame yourself. You were just a kid back then.
Chloe: Yeah, well, I'm not anymore.

Chloe: You ready to go to church?
Lucifer: Bringing down a priest is the only reason I ever would

Chloe: You sent her a threatening text. "Ditch the loser from Lux."
Andy: Yeah. She said she was hooking up with some DJ named Lucifer.
Lucifer: [Outraged] DJ? How dare you!

Chloe: Ella's working on cause of death.
Lucifer: Well, he obviously drowned in this vat of semen.
Chloe: It's pudding, Lucifer.
Lucifer: Sure, I've heard it called that, too.

Liam: Alexa had a lot of enemies. Big Agro, Big Frac. The Bolivians. The carnies.
Chloe: Carnies?

Chloe: What is going on here? And how did you get that horse?
Lucifer: [from atop a horse] What horse?

Erik: I don't mind a fellow struggling comic busting balls. It's when a millionaire starts punching down that I get pissed. Or that good-looking jerk from the club.
Lucifer: What? Who's he talking about?
Chloe: Dan.
Lucifer: Right. Are you sure?

Lucifer: You have experience with emotionally fragile men, don't you?
Chloe: You're self-aware today.
Lucifer: No, I meant Dan.

Chloe: You and Lucifer seem really close.
Mazikeen: I followed him through the gates of hell.
Chloe: I'll take that as a yes.

Chloe: You can't just walk in there in your three-piece suit and say,
[in a terrible Lucifer imitation]
Chloe: "Hello, drug dealers!"
Lucifer: I would never do that.
Lucifer: [at the karaoke bar] Annyeong, mayagsang!
["Hello, drug dealers!" but in Korean]

Lucifer: Oh, you're right. No time for a quick drink, then.
Chloe: We're on duty.
Lucifer: You are the oldest young person I've ever met! And coming from an immortal, that's saying something.

Ella: [Reading suicide note] "Axara's art celebrates life. I tarnished it with death. have no right to stay in her world. I lived for Axara. Now I die for her. Benny."
Chloe: Wow. I hope that no one ever loves me that much.

Ella: When I had to ask my landlord permission to get Bob, literally put it on my calendar.
Chloe: Oh, wasn't the, uh, the chicken, named Margaret?
Ella: Bob was my turtle.
Chloe: What happened to Bob?
Ella: Didn't get along with Margaret.

Chloe: You look like hell.
Lucifer: Ha! Not heard that before.

Ella: The home screen is... two eyes?
Charlotte: Human female breasts.
Lucifer: No. That is a woman's perfectly freckled rump.
Chloe: So our lead on the killer is a pair of butt-boob-eyes.

Amenadiel: Well, I am God's greatest warrior.
Chloe: Well, as much as I love the mental image of you punching a bunch of nuns...

Chloe: Why do you care who I'm with?
Lucifer: Because he doesn't... He doesn't deserve you.
Chloe: Then who does deserve me?
Lucifer: Someone. Someone better?

Mazikeen: I wish I had my knives.
Chloe: You're not gonna need 'em.
Mazikeen: I never need them.

- She's safe. She's through there.
- Mommy! Daddy!
- Oh...
- Hey. Sorry.
- Monkey, you're okay.
- You're okay.
Chloe: I love you, honey.

Lucifer: Where have you tracked Maze tracking her bounty to now?
Chloe: Yeah, okay. A taxi theft in Vancouver. A brawl with a curling team in Montreal. Oh, and the, uh, "bear attack" that happened in Prince Edward Island I think was her, too.

Chloe: No parents wants to see their child in pain, but it's part of the job.

Chloe: LAPD! Step away from the victim! And stop... giving her notes?

Chloe: It's gotta be here.
- It's gotta be here somewhere.

Chloe: Right now, Maze needs a different kind of help.
Lucifer: What, some strong drugs and a lobotomy?

Lucifer: Sometimes the people closest to you can turn on you. Wouldn't you agree, Detective?
Chloe: Maybe,

Lucifer: Our dung beetle is protecting someone who's following in his footsteps. Protégé, perhaps.
Chloe: I found out someone else was following Robbie, and someone's been uploading photos online today from Nick's company. Last one was posted one hour ago from a party that's still happening. Our killer could be there.
[leaves]
Lucifer: [staying at the bar, glass in hand] Right.
Chloe: Are you coming or what ?
Lucifer: Oh sorry, I thought this was the part where you leave me behind and say something like "Lucifer, Stay. Good devil."
Chloe: I'd rather keep my eye on you.

Dan: Guess what his first language is?
Chloe: Please say Arabic.
Dan: Yep. A guy named Turkish Pete.
Chloe: But Arabic isn't Turkish.
Dan: And Turkish Pete isn't Turkish.

Chloe: If I'm gonna take this guy down, I need my partner. And that's you, Lucifer Morningstar.

Chloe: This is a serial killer.
Lucifer: Yes. The Completely Justified Killer of Phonies.
[to Reese]
Lucifer: If that's what you name him, I want credit.

Chloe: For now, I'm going to stick to police work and avoid anything God-related.
[Cut to crime scene at a nunnery]
Chloe: Hilarious.

Erik: All the chuckle bunnies talk.
Chloe: The what?
Erik: Chicks who like to have sex with comedians.
Lucifer: There's a term for that? I should get a term. Devil bunnies. No. Lucifans.

Dan: Why leave the murder weapon behind?
Chloe: Maybe whoever did this freaked out and ran? We've seen it before.
Lucifer: Yes, we have, from the lowest form of scum on earth... like Pierce.

Chloe: I'm sure Lucifer will be here soon.
Dan: Lucky us. Maybe this time, he'll show up with a kilo of coke, or another Mexican wrestler.
Chloe: That was a scheduling issue.
Dan: More like a life issue.

- Just to see if we've missed anything.
Chloe: Okay?
Ella: Sure.
- Okay. So... here we go.
- I got your text.
- What's so urgent?
- Uh... this way.
- Somewhere we can speak in private.

Chloe: I'm not afraid of you anymore.
Lucifer: You're not?
Dromos: You see, this is what I'm talking about. It's so sweet, I'm gonna puke.

Dan: Care to tell me what happened?
Chloe: You wouldn't believe me if I did.

Chloe: Do you think there is such a thing as celestial justice? Because if celestial justice does exist, like heaven and hell, then what we've been doing here, say arresting criminals... why even bother? I know you're religious and I thought you may have some thoughts on it.
Ella: Well, I *was* religious and when I used to believe in all that stuff, I really thought that I was doing my part to uphold right and wrong on Earth and everyone would get their comeuppance eventually, but we still needed to keep people safe.

Chloe: I said I want to spar... bitch.

Chloe: Ladies, let me remind you that there is a killer here.
Linda: As long as that killer doesn't cry, spit up, or wet themselves, I am in.

Lucifer: Oh, I don't need your help anymore.
Chloe: Then why are you still here?
Lucifer: Because this case matters to you. Therefore it matters to me. We- we're partners, Detective.

Chloe: What happened?
Lucifer: You're safe. That's all that matters.

Lucifer: I'm sorry, Detective, but Charlotte's in danger. We need to find her.
Chloe: How did she go from big bad wolf to little lost lamb?
Lucifer: Well, maybe she's a wolf in sheep's clothing, but right now she needs to return to the flock.

Chloe: Lucifer, he does this. He notices things that normal people are too... normal to notice,

Lucifer: Right. Attractive female cop struggling to be taken seriously in a man's man's world - that it?
Chloe: Yeah, something like that.
Lucifer: Well, they're threatened. You're clearly smart and have notable instincts. Ignore them. Trust yourself.

Dan: What happened to the plan?
Lucifer: I made a better one.
Chloe: How?
Lucifer: Just sit tight and we'll all get what we want.

Chloe: Ella; we have to proceed as if this missing woman is still alive, okay?
Ella: Yeah.
Chloe: I don't want to find another body.
Lucifer: Trust me, you will not find another body.
Dan: [Enters] I found a body!

Chloe: If there's even the slightest hint that she is unsafe, your duties are revoked.
Lucifer: [scoffs] Right.
Chloe: What?
Lucifer: You said "dooties."

Chloe: Lucifer, we just got together. You're already finding things to freak out about.
Lucifer: I'm not finding anything, Detective. All I've done is lose stuff.

Lucifer: Dr. Linda just canceled my session. She won't take my calls. I think I truly scared her off.
Chloe: Something happened with your shrink?
Lucifer: Yes... and it's all your fault. I mean, you're the one who suggested I open up to her.

Lucifer: You can't understand, Detective. And you never will.
Chloe: Well, if you won't talk to me, then... please, talk to someone else. You have a therapist. Talk to her, before it eats you alive.

Lucifer: You can't enjoy this. This sitting around endlessly, waiting for something to happen.
Chloe: You know, if sitting here not being entertained is so terrible, then maybe it's a sign you should be somewhere else.

Chloe: Are Lucifer and Ella working on a case that I don't know about?
Dan: Mm. Why?
Chloe: No reason, they just seem to be spending a lot of time together.
Dan: Is someone jealous?

- Trust me, when you get kicked out of a fancy party, the last thing you want to do is sneak back in.
- You do the opposite.
- Who's Malibu's closest rival?
Chloe: The lab in here is closed for renovation, so maybe he's here.

Chloe: [a sex doll arrives at the precinct] Oh, look. There's a card.
Dan: You really need a card to know who that's from?

Chloe: Where were you this morning at 10:00 a.m.?
Iris: I was at the convention, leading a seminar on building your fursona's backstory.
Chloe: [Turns to Ella] Is that a thing?
Ella: How would I know? I'm a normie... normal person. Totally normal.

Chloe: [At murder scene] What do you think?
Mazikeen: Mm. I think I boned him.
Chloe: Maze, just because you happened to have slept with that one murder victim a few weeks ago doesn't mean that you slept with them all.
Mazikeen: How am I supposed to keep up, Chloe?
Chloe: With the murder victims, or the people you slept with?

Chloe: Hey. I've been looking for you everywhere. I tracked your phone's GPS.
Lucifer: Well, here I am.
Chloe: Well, we should wrap up the arrest report. And by that I mean paperwork, not some celebratory drink that you'll then turn into a moment.
Lucifer: Yes, Well... I've changed my mind about that, actually. I've realised it would never work out between us.
Chloe: Really?
Lucifer: Yes. So from now on, no more attempts at moments. I'd be honoured to simply continue working by your side. If you'll have me.
Chloe: Of course.
Lucifer: Good.
Chloe: Yeah. It's not like you to give up.
Lucifer: No, I haven't given up. I had an epiphany of sorts. You deserve someone worthy of you. And that isn't me.
Chloe: That's not what I've been saying, Lucifer.
Lucifer: I know. It's what I'm saying. You deserve someone better. Because you, Detective, are selfless to a nauseating degree. You always put your daughter first, even though the ungrateful urchin does nothing to contribute to the rent. So... You deserve someone worthy of that grace. Someone who knows that every crime scene breaks your heart, even though you'd never admit it. Someone who actually appreciates your impossibly boring middle name, "Jane". And more importantly, Detective, you deserve someone as good as you. Because, well, you're special and I'm... I'm not worth it.
Chloe: Yeah. You're probably right.
[kisses Lucifer]
Lucifer: Detective...?
[Chloe kisses him again]

Lucifer: One last case should be enough.
Chloe: Enough for what?
Lucifer: Well for closure, of course.
Chloe: What does that mean?
Lucifer: I... I-I'm not sure, but the doctor told me I needed it.

Chloe: Go home. You're tired.
Lucifer: Okay. Fine. But, only if I can borrow these.
[Holds up her handcuffs]
Lucifer: I promise I'll bring them back.
Chloe: Please don't.

Chloe: For having this not be your business, you're certainly talking to a lot of people about it.
Lucifer: I know. I just wish people would stop prying

Lucifer: I'm surprised that you'd date someone so on in years.
Chloe: Huh? What are you talking about?
Lucifer: Oh, believe me, Pierce is, uh, well, he's much older than he looks. And we all know that dating older men has its downsides: performance, stamina, you know, the important bits.

Zack: The other day, someone came looking for him.
Lucifer: Ah, was it a... a hot woman, perhaps? Angry? Leather? Lots of knives?
Chloe: Or someone completely different? Like a dude? Like a fat, happy dude?

Chloe: We have some questions about Delilah.
Amanda: Oh. Oh. Yes, it's so sad.
Grey: Yeah. Very sad.
Chloe: [recognizing his watch] Your watch, where'd you get that?
Grey: Oh, it's a prop.
Amanda: No, that's the one Delilah gave you, isn't it? For "Time Will Tell"?
Grey: Right. That's the movie that we did. It was a wrap gift.
Chloe: Yeah. She buy a $10,000 watch for the whole crew?
Grey: Uh, no. Just me, as far as I know. 'Cause we were, you know, co-stars and everything.
Lucifer: You know, you're gonna have to get much better at lying if you want to be president.
Grey: I know, right?
Lucifer: So you were sleeping with her, then, yeah?
Grey: Oh, yeah.
[he and Lucifer share a laugh, then he suddenly stops]
Grey: Crap. I just said that in front of people.
Amanda: Whatever. It's not like I didn't know. God, you are a terrible liar. And actor, by the way.
Grey: You knew?
Amanda: Of course. Why else do you think I've been sleeping with Bobby?
Grey: Are you serious?
Amanda: Oh, yeah. And it is good. Mmm. I climb that man like a tree. Right, Bobby?
Grey: My bodyguard? What a cliché.
Amanda: Oh, I'm a cliché? Well, you're a dick.
Chloe: Oh, boy.

Chloe: So how do we draw him out?
Lucifer: Easy. Arrest everyone in the club and pull their pants down. Tiniest weenie wins, for once.

Chloe: Well, after 57 phone calls, twice as many texts, the billboard off Sunset, and the ill-conceived stripper-gram...
Lucifer: In my defense, Roberto came highly recommended.

Lucifer: You are?
Chloe: Yeah.
- She just kept me from making a big mistake.
- Detective!
- I... jana...
- Wheels up, captain?
- I'm afraid this flight's grounded.

- Hey, hey.
- I think there's something there, too.
- Yeah.
- It definitely seems like there was some kind of fight.
- Hey, you guys, looks like there's something down there.
Chloe: Huh?

Chloe: Hey, what's with all the gift baskets?
Jed: They're from my fans. They found out my place blew up, and they've been sending me stuff from all around the world. It's crazy how devoted they are.
Lucifer: Devoted to you? Yes, that is crazy.

- I mean, it complicates everything.
- I just don't know what to believe right now.
Chloe: Then that's the problem, isn't it, Lucifer?
- How can you choose to stay if you don't even believe that you have a choice?
- Fate automatically wins.
- Let me know when you choose us.

Chloe: He was firing at you. Why aren't you... more dead?
Lucifer: You're having a very hard time with the immortal thing, aren't you?

Chloe: I'm just trying to piece together a timeline. A lot can happen in five minutes.
Lucifer: You can't be suggesting...
Chloe: ...That you slept with her? I'm not.
Lucifer: No. That I'm a two-pump chump. If we'd slept together, she wouldn't have left until the morning. Believe me.

Lucifer: She was very generous with information after I was very generous with the old...
Chloe: Okay, I don't want to know.

Chloe: Lucifer's the reason that I said yes to Pierce, and... he's also the reason that I said no.

Amenadiel: Listen, what you have to understand is that my brother and I had a very difficult childhood. And to deal with it, he created this persona for himself... Lucifer Morningstar, the Devil, incorrigible and invincible.
Chloe: So he's a liar?
Amenadiel: Chloe, he means well, but in the end, the only person he ever truly lies to is himself.

Chloe: So, what now?
Lucifer: Well, I mean, I've obviously proven myself to be an invaluable crime-fighting tool. You're a pariah in the department. I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Don't you?
Chloe: Who the hell are you?
Lucifer: I told you, I'm...
Trixie: [running in and hugging him] Lucifer!
Lucifer: [obviously uncomfortable] Uh, yes. Hello, child. Um, just...
[picking her up and putting her on the bed]
Lucifer: Why don't you save some of this unpleasantness for your mother, yeah?

Chloe: Do you mean as in Eve Eve? As in Adam and Eve?
Eve: I can't believe they still put his name first. These are supposed to be more progressive times.

Chloe: [about her birthday gift] What is it?
Lucifer: It's the bullet from when you shot me. Remember in the warehouse, early in our partnership?
Chloe: Oh. Yeah. I remember.
Lucifer: Well, I thought since I'll never likely penetrate you, I'd commemorate the one time you penetrated me.

Chloe: Kinley's vial? You kept that?
Lucifer: Well, I didn't think it was something I could just toss down the drain. I was gonna chuck it out with my spent batteries.

Chloe: Oh, are you praying or-...
Lucifer: Yes, usually works. He must've gone for a wank or something.

Lucifer: You give your child money every time she swears? Oh, bravo, Detective.
Chloe: No, no, no. She pays for every bad word she says.
Lucifer: Ah, well, then I'm even more impressed.
Chloe: Really? Thank you, Lucifer.
Lucifer: Impressed that you extort money from your offspring. I mean, what a ridiculous idea.

Lucifer: Remember that container that was so inelegantly taken from me?
Chloe: The one I was convinced was hiding something?
Lucifer: Yes, well, it wasn't just nesting dolls that I was looking for. There was something else, something... personal that was missing when we got there.
Chloe: I knew it. Lucifer, what was in there?
Lucifer: My angel wings.

Chloe: Not all kids appreciate what their parents have given them.
Charlotte: Well, that I agree with.

Chloe: You are lucky my daughter likes you so much.
Lucifer: Yes, I'm starting to respect the deceptive little parasite.

Chloe: What planet are you from... London?

Chloe: [Chasing a suspect in an ice cream store] Freeze!
Lucifer: Ha. "Freeze," good one.

Chloe: Did you notice anything strange in the last few days? Any unusual behavior?
Timmy: Like what?
Lucifer: Like someone carrying a small apothecary bottle marked with a skull and crossbones perhaps?

Chloe: Losing your brother, it's still really affecting you?
Marcus: Understatement of the millennia.

- I choose you because...
- I love you.
Chloe: Lucifer?
- Lucifer?

Chloe: You look like hell.
Lucifer: Appropriate.

Dr. Liam Garrity: Legally, I can't let you look at Dale's medical file... But, um... What happens when I turn away is, um, out of my hands.
Chloe: Thank you.
Dr. Liam Garrity: [Turns to his phone] Ooh, look, a Nigerian prince needs my help. Wow.

Chloe: [to Bree. after diffusing the bomb] I think that means you can take your thumb off now.
Lucifer: And don't tell us where you want to put it next.
Mazikeen: [Cut to Maze, fighting Amenadiel] Up your butt!

Lucifer: Chloe.
Chloe: I don't want to die.
Lucifer: I won't let you.

Lucifer: Now, I've always had an interest in the personal protection business, Rob.
Bob: Bob.
Lucifer: Bob, right. Is that short for "Robert"?
Bob: No.
Lucifer: Fascinating. It's lovely getting to know you like this. Your hopes, your dreams.
[Claps his arm]
Lucifer: Been working out as well.
Chloe: Are you coming?
Lucifer: No, I'm not really interested in you and what you're doing. I think I'm just gonna stay here and chat to my new friend, Rob.
Bob: *Bob*.
Lucifer: Bob. Right. Bob. Big fan of old Bobby here.
[Looks at the sky]
Lucifer: In fact, if someone were wondering about my list of favorite people, Bob might just be at the top.
Bob: Really?

Chloe: [On the phone] I know that this is tough, but I think it's best if we talk to Jay first. So, have you had any luck finding him?
Ella: [With Jay] No. No luck.
Chloe: Okay. Okay. Well, let us know if you do.
[Hangs up]
Chloe: She's lying.

Chloe: Okay, a list of everyone you've slept with in the last eight weeks.
Lucifer: Right, you'll need a much bigger notepad.

Mazikeen: Looks like we're gonna need to pay Doug a visit.
Chloe: A guy like Doug's gonna...
Mazikeen: Lawyer up?
Chloe: First sign of police.
Mazikeen: We need...
Chloe: Leverage.
Mazikeen: I know what you're thinking.
Chloe: Might be the only way.
Mazikeen: But what about...
Chloe: It's dangerous.
Mazikeen: Then what if we...
Chloe: He'll see it coming.
Mazikeen: [Thinks, then smiles] I have an idea.
Chloe: [Gasps] Absolutely not, Maze! You should be ashamed of yourself.
Mazikeen: Fine! Fine! We'll do it your way.
Chloe: Good.

Lucifer: She flew to Florence last week just 'cause she fancied eating some gelato.
Chloe: She went on a plane to get ice cream?
Lucifer: Well, when you say it in English, it sounds silly.

Sister: I was the first to leave my cell this morning.
Chloe: Cell? Oh, sounds like a prison.
Ella: Oh, yeah, "cell". That's an old-school term for their rooms.

Chloe: I still don't understand why you're helping us. Bianca's your client.
Charlotte: I'm not the same woman I was when she hired me.
Chloe: Hmm. Did you have a change of heart?
Charlotte: No, the same heart. Completely different soul, though.

Chloe: You and your guys, you aren't necessarily known for your kindness.
Brandon: Thank you.

Chloe: We've been trying to find a connection between the two, and so far all we have is you.
Lucifer: Well, I wish I could help you.
Chloe: What, you didn't get details between the sweet nothings?
Lucifer: Quite a few, actually. But they were mostly about what he desired, which I doubt you want to hear.

Chloe: Why did you attack the guy in the parking lot?
Kimo: I swear, I wasn't going to hurt him.
Lucifer: Was he a terrorist about to plant a bomb? Leader of a murderous cult, perhaps? He must be someone really evil for the Weaponizer to get involved.
Kimo: He's just some guy in trouble with the Mob
Lucifer: So they've got his family and they're forcing him to kill the president?

Lucifer: Detective would you like to use your newly acquired charms on this lovely chap?
Chloe: Well, yes, I would. I just don't want to rub salt in your wound.
Lucifer: Well, obviously I'd love you to rub something else, but we're learning to share, aren't we?

Chloe: This isn't gonna work.
Lucifer: I agree. A gingham pocket square can be a bit aggressive, but I'm feeling it.

Lucifer: [about Charlotte] I'll never get to see her again.
Chloe: I know. I still can't believe it.
Lucifer: Well, at least you'll get to see her, Detective. Eventually. In heaven. But I, well, she's gone somewhere I simply can't follow.

Mazikeen: Too bad your little protege isn't around to collect the check.
Chloe: [watching a news report that Delilah's record sales have soared, something in her mind clicks] Oh, wow.
Lucifer: What?
Chloe: Delilah didn't give that watch to the drug dealer.

Chloe: Lucifer, oh my god.
Lucifer: Well, there's an oxymoron.

Lucifer: Well, this case seems to be in very capable hands. So off I go.
Chloe: All right.
Lucifer: I mean, after all, you did take down the head of the Yakuza in single-hand combat. And defeat the Armenian mob in a rather spectacular car chase through Rome... although, strangely, it looked a lot more like Vancouver to me.

Chloe: You know everybody here. I mean, who would have a dark secret that they would want erased?
Steve: Uh, everyone.
Chloe: What? It's a charity event.
Lucifer: Ah, charity is the perfect way for criminals to launder their images. Donate a thousand dollars to distract from the million you just filched.

Chloe: Babysitter Shelly might have to take you, okay?
Trixie: Oh, she already left.
Chloe: What? Why?
Trixie: I don't know. But when she went into Maze's room, she ran out screaming.

Lucifer: I take the vows of marriage very seriously.
Chloe: And that's why you chose an idiotic, bedazzled tweener as your partner.

Chloe: Is it true you're the head of the Ferrante mob family?
Lucifer: Well, come on. Answer her.
Charlotte: [Defense lawyer instincts kick in] You do not need to answer that.
Frankie: I don't?
Charlotte: [Backtracks] ... But it would be helpful if you did.
Lucifer: Right. Enough of this "bad cop, worse cop."

Chloe: It's not like I don't want to have sex with you, because I really, really do, but... putting this kind of agenda on it, it just sucks all the fun out of it.
[Lucifer opens his mouth]
Chloe: Yeah, and please do not make a pun right now

Chloe: You smoked evidence?
Lucifer: Well, it would have gone to waste otherwise.

Chloe: You're the devil. But you're also an angel.
Lucifer: I'm not sure that I am an angel anymore.
Chloe: What do you mean?
Lucifer: After I killed Pierce when my devil face returned... I never checked to see if my wings were still there. I still haven't. Afraid that they're gone. For good reason.
Chloe: Well, you know... I think you should look. Maybe you'll be surprised at what you find.

Chloe: Maze, I know what you're trying to do.
Mazikeen: You do?
Chloe: Yeah. And you suck at it.
Mazikeen: I do?
Chloe: Yeah. Oh yeah. You're trying to apologize in your very awkward demon way.
Mazikeen: I am?

Chloe: She was a drug addict?
Oscar: Don't judge her. A lot of us were.
Lucifer: Oh, I'm not judging. I love drugs. In fact, do you think she might have any lying around?

Chloe: The Sinnerman is an urban myth; He doesn't exist. He's a boogeyman that criminals use to hide their bad behavior. "The Sinnerman made me do it."
Lucifer: Yet another thing he's stolen from me, being blamed for the bad deeds of men.
[pause]
Lucifer: He can keep that one, actually.

- Is that Gil, the owner of the gym?
- Yeah.
- Ugh.
- All right, I'll arrest him.
- You grab tio.
Chloe: Gil. Drop the bag.

Chloe: [to Lucifer] Close your eyes. You can't see me. But I'm right here. And it'll be the same down there. No matter where you go. No matter where you are. I'll be with you. I'll be with you always.

Lucifer: I am not afraid. I've just realized I've been a tad myopic lately. Why not spread the love? I mean, everyone deserves a little Lucifer.
Chloe: How generous of you.
Lucifer: [opening a door] Thank you very much. After me.

Chloe: You said it, he's the villain. If it walks like a duck, it talks like a duck, it probably murders like a duck
Lucifer: Oh, good idea, duck. Have you ever been to the Mistral? They do a wonderful duck à l'orange.

Chloe: [to Jamie] Can you explain why a witness said that they saw you speeding away from Wesley's dojo this morning?
Lucifer: Welcome to Devil Time.
Chloe: What are you doing?
Lucifer: Trying out my new catch phrase.
Dan: "Welcome to Devil Time"? What the hell does that mean?
Lucifer: She knows what it means.
Jamie: ...I have no idea what that means.

Chloe: Trixie's best friend Landa got a new All-American doll, and now Trixie wants one. So what does she do? She destroys her old doll, expecting me to replace it.
Lucifer: Mm, impressive. But, then, I'd expect nothing less from the shrewd little minx.

Chloe: What did you do to the babysitter?
Mazikeen: Me? She's the one who didn't knock. I had no time to hide my toys.

Carver: [shouts] You. Are. A Player! Own it!
[crowd cheers]
Lucifer: [sitting up] Excuse... excuse me! Excuse me, question!
Chloe: [low] What are you doing?
Carver: The Q&A's after the speech, buddy.
Lucifer: No, but it's quite pressing. What if you have all those manly whatnots and the woman still doesn't respond?
Carver: You may think you have them, but you don't.
[Chloe nods]
Carver: That's why you're here, right?

Lucifer: [as Chloe wakes up in the hospital] Well, look who's back.
Chloe: How long have I been out?
Lucifer: Three years.
Chloe: What?
[he snickers]
Chloe: You're such an ass.
Lucifer: Thank you.

Chloe: Lucifer. How is he?
Runner: Uh, he's the King of Hell, so he's... great.

Mazikeen: Well, if you go by someone else's pace, it shows how much you really care.
Chloe: That's... incredibly insightful.
Mazikeen: I learned it from sex.
Chloe: That's more you.

Chloe: You know what? Never mind. I don't want to make you sick with my feelings.
Mazikeen: No. Come on. I'm listening, I promise. No more earbuds.
Chloe: Okay. Trixie might get into this private school, and it could be really, really good for her. But it's super exclusive, and I'm not sure I want her in that kind of environment.
Mazikeen: That what's you're so worried about?
[Chloe nods]
Mazikeen: All right. A school like that is great for Trixie.
Chloe: You think so?
Mazikeen: Yeah. Fancy-pants rich kids? They're like vipers, okay? Trixie will learn to slash them with her words. Then I will teach her the knives.
Chloe: Oh, okay. I think... I know you're trying to help, but I don't think you can help me with... with this now.

Chloe: Okay, so we're looking for Les Klumpsky.
Lucifer: Gesundheit.

Chloe: All right, we can do this one of three ways.
Rex: The easy way or...
[Chloe kicks him back down]
Rex: What the hell!
Chloe: There is no easy way. We can do this the fast way, the slow way... Then, there's my favorite way!
[Punches him in the nuts]
Chloe: So, try, maybe, 'cause there is nothing I love more than making a grown man cry.

Lucifer: Chloe. Is my chin...?
Chloe: Butt-like.
Lucifer: I was going to say "amazing in real life". Butt-like?

Chloe: I actually have a plan. But in order for it to work, you need to do exactly what I say. No more going off grid, no more destroying trace evidence, no more Luciferness. Is that clear?
Lucifer: As a chilled vodka martini. Served neat, of course.

Kimo: I'd never hurt Wesley. We were friends.
Chloe: Huh. Could've fooled me.
Kimo: We had a public rivalry, but-but it was just for business. In reality, we share everything. The same managers, agents, lawyers...
Chloe: Wives?

- Uh, hey, Davis hasn't seen Gisele, and she's, uh, not answering her cell, so if Yuri has her, we've got to get there fast.
Chloe: I'm on my way.
- Detective...
- What did you say to her?

Chloe: So you're saying you didn't write that threatening note?
Brian: No, that's not even my handwrit... look, look at it.
[Points]
Brian: It's so sloppy. Of course, what do you expect from someone clueless enough to put a whole body into a wood chipper? II mean, saw before you mulch. Everyone knows that.

Lucifer: That was disappointing.
Chloe: We haven't hit a dead end yet.
Lucifer: No, no. When I heard his name was Pool Boy, I pictured a much more Baywatch-esque suspect.