100 Best Charlotte Quotes

Charlotte: Well, what am I supposed to do, just sit here and hide?
Lucifer: See a movie, go to a museum. Catch up on what's happened over the past few thousand years. You'd be surprised.

Chloe: Did you bring the tapes?
Adrian: Sorry, but no.
Chloe: What? Why not?
Charlotte: [entering the conference room] Because I told him not to. I'm Mr. Yates' attorney and the LAPD isn't laying a finger on those tapes.
Lucifer: [surprised] Mum?

Charlotte: I just don't understand. Of all the things that you could do with your talents, law enforcement?
Lucifer: Have you considered I might enjoy exploring humanity?
Charlotte: They eat, darling. All they do is eat. And then afterwards, the food comes out changed and not for the better.

Charlotte: I'm confused, Detective. Are you suggesting your partner is delusional, or just lying?
Chloe: Lucifer Morningstar is many things, but he is not a liar.

Charlotte: [talking to herself] You are not crazy. No one knows you can't remember the last few months. You will pretend that you do. Own it. You will not give them a reason to put you in a padded cell.

Linda: Did you guys find the booze?
Ella: Exactly. We should be nipple-deep in Jaeger by now and playing pin the tail on Ryan Gosling. I can't believe that Maze legit hijacked my bachelorette party.
Charlotte: You mean *Chloe's* bachelorette party.
Ella: ...That's what I said.

Charlotte: You need to see that this Chloe you so adore isn't worthy of you.
Lucifer: I admit I enjoy working with her, but adore, that's a bit much.
Charlotte: Oh, please. You've sacrificed more for her than you ever have for anyone else. Have you forgotten? You killed your brother, my son, to protect her. Do you think there's anything even remotely similar that she would do for you?

Ella: The home screen is... two eyes?
Charlotte: Human female breasts.
Lucifer: No. That is a woman's perfectly freckled rump.
Chloe: So our lead on the killer is a pair of butt-boob-eyes.

Charlotte: [to passing person] Your casserole tastes like roadkill.
[Walks up to man]
Charlotte: Oh, and you. Stop telling stories about your children, 'cause no one cares.
[Sees woman]
Charlotte: Hmm, Sally.
Woman: Hi, Charlotte.
Charlotte: It's not the clothes that make you look fat. It's the fat.
Woman: Ugh!
[Huffs off]
Charlotte: Yeah. Oof.
[Runs into Ella]
Charlotte: And you... . You are pretty great, actually.
Ella: Uh, thanks?

Lucifer: This is the real way to move forward, Mum. To create a whole new world. Your own world, without Father.
Charlotte: What about you? Amenadiel, my children?
Lucifer: You know that if we go back to Heaven, then there will be a war. And in war... there are always casualties.
Charlotte: The last thing I want is to hurt my children.
Lucifer: I know. So, please... . Let there be light.

Charlotte: He said I was his stepmom. But he's a grown man. I mean, his father would have to be ancient.
Linda: [laughs awkwardly] Right!
Charlotte: I mean, as if I would go running around marrying old men and then forgetting all about it.
[pause]
Charlotte: Would I?

Charlotte: I just want a chance to start - OVER.
Lucifer: But... going HOME?... That's not starting over-that's-that's going BACKwards...
[realizing the meaning of Chloe's words]
Lucifer: ... and that's not good for anyone... so it's time for you to move forward, mum.

Charlotte: [Catching Dan stealing from Evidence] Naughty, naughty Detective Espinoza.
Dan: I'm just making sure the bills are real.
Charlotte: The only way to make sure is to spend it, right?

Charlotte: God made Chloe.
Mazikeen: Yeah. He kind of made them all

Charlotte: They eat, darling. All they do is eat. And then afterwards the food comes out... *changed*. And not for the better.

- with that mentally ill nightclub owner, w-what's-his-name.
Erika: [ecstatic] Lucifer!
- Lucifer!
Lucifer: That's right, say my name. Say my name.
Charlotte: Lucifer?
- Is anyone here?

Charlotte: At least I've managed to keep this flesh sack in one piece. It has not been easy. Quite a few of the male species have been eying me hungrily. Do humans eat their own?

Charlotte: I'm preparing myself for damnation.
Amenadiel: In a three star hotel?
Charlotte: It's what I deserve.

Charlotte: I want my family back.
Lucifer: I'm afraid that's not possible.

Ben: Where the hell is security?
[Guards arrive]
Ben: Thank God.
Charlotte: I don't think God's on your side, Ben.

Lucifer: [to Charlotte] Have you ever considered finding, well, I don't know, a-a place of your own?
Amenadiel: Yeah. Somewhere away from Dad, maybe?
Lucifer: Yes. Somewhere familiar, warmer, perhaps?
Charlotte: You want... You want me back in Hell?
Lucifer: Well, not "in" Hell, per se, but in charge of Hell. I mean, after all, it is a kingdom without a ruler.
Amenadiel: He is right. I mean, there's a great opportunity for upward mobility.

Chloe: Is it true you're the head of the Ferrante mob family?
Lucifer: Well, come on. Answer her.
Charlotte: [Defense lawyer instincts kick in] You do not need to answer that.
Frankie: I don't?
Charlotte: [Backtracks] ... But it would be helpful if you did.
Lucifer: Right. Enough of this "bad cop, worse cop."

Charlotte: Is there anything that... you'd like to apologize for, Mazikeen?
Mazikeen: She just said she boned my ex. I didn't do anything.
Charlotte: Well, it always takes two to tango.
Mazikeen: Yeah, Linda and Amenadiel. One, two, naked tango. Me, screwed.

Charlotte: If you don't let all the icky feelings out, things tend to fester, and turn gangrenous, and, well... nobody likes losing a limb.
Mazikeen: Not true.

Frankie: If there's anything I can do to help with Joey's killer, you let me know, 'cause I would love to bring him in.
Charlotte: [Whispers] That means he would kill him.
Chloe: Oh, thank you, Charlotte.

Charlotte: I'm the best.
Chloe: At getting criminals off.
Charlotte: Well, that's not true. I haven't slept with any of my clients.

Charlotte: I apologize for my human form, but... at least this one has supreme hindquarters.
Lucifer: You're lying.
Charlotte: No. They're quite sturdy, feel it.
Lucifer: I wasn't referring, nor will I ever refer, to your butt, Mother.

Chloe: Not all kids appreciate what their parents have given them.
Charlotte: Well, that I agree with.

Charlotte: [as Chloe is searching for something on Charlotte] Oh, you're being incredibly thorough. I like it.

Dan: I'll also be watching to make sure you don't sneak out and disappear.
Charlotte: Because you'd miss me if I did?
Dan: You know what? Maybe I would.

Charlotte: I'd rather not put Daniel in... an awkward position. Hate to ruin all the good ones we've been in.

Charlotte: I was hoping that you could help clear things up with one simple question. What's my husband's name?
Amenadiel: Um... God... Frey. Godfrey.

Charlotte: Children always find new ways to test us.

Charlotte: Lucifer may be stubborn, but he listens to you.
Mazikeen: Hate to break it to you, but if you're buttering me up, it ain't gonna work. You have bad news to give your son? Suck it up and do it yourself.

Dan: Charlotte? How could you do this to me?
Charlotte: What exactly? I've done several things to you.
Dan: Did you sleep with me to get intel on this case?
Charlotte: Of course, but it's not like you didn't get anything out of it.

Charlotte: If you didn't want the blade found, you shouldn't have left it in a hole in the ground!
Lucifer: A filled-in hole in the middle of nowhere, which no one would've possibly found if not for you.
Charlotte: Yes. Well... there's that.
Lucifer: Besides, where else am I gonna hide it? Lux? You know how many people traipse through there each week?
Charlotte: Well, I don't know. Your bedroom, then.
Lucifer: Worse.

Amenadiel: I'm trying my best
Charlotte: That's what makes you perfect.

Trixie: I like you. You're funny.
Charlotte: And you're... short.

Lucifer: Amenadiel seems to think I owe you a chat. So I'll start by saying I do not forgive you.
Charlotte: I deserve that.

Charlotte: I need medical attention. I'm wounded.
Linda: Then go to a hospital.

Lucifer: I'll show you out, if you insist.
Charlotte: I'm not going anywhere.

Charlotte: I heard... things.
[Lucifer imitates a cellphone behind Chloe's back]
Charlotte: On a... On - on the phone call.
Chloe: Like ?
Charlotte: [Lucifer imitates a gun with his hand] Fingers. Pointing?
Chloe: You *heard* fingers pointing?
Charlotte: [Lucifer seems angry] Very angrily. Yes. Also, a gunshot.
[Lucifer puts his hand on his chest and falls slowly]
Charlotte: Sounded like he was dying, or... melting?
[Lucifer looks at her, dumbfounded]
Charlotte: It's... hard to tell.

Charlotte: So you're going to punish me anyway?
Lucifer: I am, indeed. And not because I've been brainwashed by Dad or I'm trying to prove anything. I punish because I'm good at it. I like giving people their due. Makes me happy.

Chloe: I still don't understand why you're helping us. Bianca's your client.
Charlotte: I'm not the same woman I was when she hired me.
Chloe: Hmm. Did you have a change of heart?
Charlotte: No, the same heart. Completely different soul, though.

Charlotte: We'll start by stating our grievances. Who'd like to go first?
Mazikeen: She lied and betrayed me. Next.

Lucifer: Perhaps we shouldn't have borrowed from Maze. Her clothing is insufficient.
Charlotte: Yes. Half my hide is exposed. Human attire is very impractical.

Charlotte: You only live once. Or... twice, in my case.

Chloe: There's Chet. I'll go talk to him.
Charlotte: You know, that's wise. You seem more his type than me, and you're not particularly intimidating, so that should help.
Chloe: Help what?
Charlotte: Well, in seducing him, of course
Chloe: I'm not gonna seduce him, Charlotte.
Charlotte: Not with that posture you're not. Fine. I'll do it.
Chloe: No. No. There's gonna be no seducing!

Charlotte: Looking for booze?
Ella: Yeah. And Maze's bong, and decent music, and a strapping naked dude with student loans and a dream.

Lucifer: [Arriving at Dr. Martin's office] Mum. What are you doing here?
Charlotte: Oh, you know, girl stuff
Lucifer: Naked girl stuff?

Charlotte: [watching a mac and cheese commercial] Mazikeen. What is this strange, gooey substance that this boy is cooing about?
Mazikeen: You watching porn?

Charlotte: Your brother is the Lightbringer, Amenadiel. He just needs to apply himself and get angry.
Lucifer: Well, I can't just get ang...
[Amenadiel ouches him in the face]
Lucifer: Aah! Bloody hell!
Amenadiel: Well, it was worth a shot.
Lucifer: Right. Maybe Amenadiel should try it. Here, why don't you hold it, and I'll kick you in the...
[Aims for his groin]
Charlotte: Boys!

Charlotte: Deep down, I know what I helped cover up was murder.
Lucifer: I believe her.
Chloe: Really?
Lucifer: Mm.
Chloe: Why?
Lucifer: Well, which quintessential response would you like? The obscure enigmatic one or the blunt nonsensical one?

Linda: If it tastes so bad, why drink it?
Charlotte: Well, I read that five doses a day helps supercharge your memory.
[Opens notebook]
Charlotte: I've also tried... meditation, sudoku, a lot of broccoli, but no recovered memories so far. Just flatulence.

Charlotte: I got you covered. I'll put in a word with the big guy.
Dan: With Pierce?
Charlotte: No, think bigger.
Dan: The commissioner?
Charlotte: It's an anadrome for D-O-G.

Charlotte: Detective
Dan: Counselor.
Lucifer: Douche.
Dan: Dick.

Lucifer: What do you think you're doing?
Charlotte: I'm taking your lead, son. Learning about your beloved humanity.
Lucifer: By dancing at my club?
Charlotte: Well, I saw all the people on the tables smiling and I wanted to discover what they were so happy about.
Lucifer: Oh, is it possible it's the money that I pay them?

Charlotte: I just want a chance to start over.

Lucifer: You're gonna have to lose those clothes. They're a serious problem.
[Charlotte starts undressing]
Lucifer: Taking you home, 'cause this being out in public thing obviously isn't working. And then I'm going to see my colleague.
[Lucifer looks at his mother]
Lucifer: Mum!
[looks away realizing she's standing there nude]
Charlotte: Yes?
Lucifer: You're... naked!
Charlotte: Well you said clothes were a problem, so problem solved.
Lucifer: In the bloody car, will you!
[he takes his jacket off and covers her]
Lucifer: I'm going to be traumatized for eternity. Thank you very much for that.

Charlotte: Two weeks and no word. I mean, a mother has needs, don't you agree?
Hot: Okay, uh... I got to go.
[Runs off]
Charlotte: You're a terrible kisser.

Bianca: I can't even count the times that Chet has come close to destroying everything I've built.
Charlotte: Children always find new ways to test us.
Lucifer: [Listening from the police van] She's talking about Amenadiel.
Charlotte: Put us through Hell.
Lucifer: ...That one's me.

Charlotte: Just making sure you're not getting into trouble.
Lucifer: Oh, that's no fun.

Charlotte: I've been trying to find the right way to tell you. But there is no right way, because the truth...... is... this is your Father's doing. Chloe... is His doing... He put her in your path.

Mazikeen: Go. Embrace your deepest, darkest desire. Let those sinful little embers burn into a flame.
Charlotte: Why?
Mazikeen: We'll meet again... eventually. Somewhere hotter. And the more you sin, the more fun it'll be for me. Think of this as foreplay.

Charlotte: You know this darkness that you say you see in me? I've been trying to address it, and, uh, details would help.
[Picks up dropped murder weapon]
Charlotte: So, where do you see it, exactly? How? When?
Ella: Like, now. Right about there.
[Gestures to the knife]
Charlotte: Oh.
[Puts it down]
Ella: Little better. But you know, still, you don't exactly scream rainbows and sunshine, even when you're not wielding murder weapons.
Charlotte: Well, for the record, I wouldn't stab you, not here, with all these cops around.
[Ella looks freaked out]
Charlotte: Oh, come on, that was funny.
Ella: Oh, yeah.
[laughs tensely]
Ella: Ha, ha. Funny. Also dark.

Charlotte: He said Lucifer was his brother. Which I guess is possible if one of them were adopted. And raised with a different accent.

Charlotte: [after sending Lucifer a trio of strippers] I tried to find ones that resemble your detective. Then again, all humans look alike to me.
Lucifer: No, you did, um, well, remarkably well. But what on Earth for?
Charlotte: Since anger didn't work, I wanted to incite a different emotion. See if that would get the sword fired up.
Lucifer: A foursome isn't an emotion, Mum!

Charlotte: You don't quit when you're doing god's work.

Charlotte: I guess humanity isn't entirely awful. They did make vodka. Roller coasters. Triple creme Brie.
God: You hear about dancing?
Charlotte: Yes, I actually did some of that on a table, once.

Charlotte: Don't take this lightly, Miss Garland. It's a big decision.
Bree: Mmm. Not as big as my flock. Do you know how many sheep I possess? Enough for *two* wives.

Charlotte: We're going home, son. And Chloe is the Key.

Lucifer: When Charlotte had her mini-death, she went to Hell. Forest haunted her Hell loop and now is haunting her nightmares... which, sidebar, Dan is also a part of, so things are heating up there.
Charlotte: Oh, well, that sure is nonsense.
Lucifer: Oh, don't worry. The detective won't believe me.
[Chloe glares at him]
Lucifer: See? It's classic us.

Charlotte: I was getting bored with my mate and offspring, so I thought I'd dive into my employment. Not that hard once you read the law books.
Lucifer: What law books?
Charlotte: Well, all of them.

Charlotte: I feel so good. It's like I'm floating. Although that might be the three gimlets I had at lunch.

Charlotte: A book? That's what Zeke smuggled for me? Is this a joke?
Lucifer: Well, if it were, I would have chosen something funnier, like Douglas Adams or Freud.

Bianca: So glad you can make it. How are the children?
Charlotte: They're angels.

Charlotte: [to Pierce] Cream? Sugar? Or do you take it dark and bitter like your soul?

Charlotte: Well, it's not my fault humans can't handle the divine.

Trixie: You don't have kids, do you?
Charlotte: Actually, I do. Two. They live with their father.
Trixie: That makes sense.

Dan: [to Charlotte] Maybe we can go grab that coffee sometime?
Trixie: Dinner would be more romantic.
Dan: It's okay by me.
[They smile at each other]
Charlotte: Dinner it is.
Dan: [Trixie leaves with Dan] You are the best wingman ever.

Linda: What kind of guy?
Charlotte: A tall, serious black man. Bald.
Linda: Bald, like, in a... in a very sexy way?
Charlotte: Yes. You know him?
Linda: [Covering] Uh, no. No. Just, um, painting a picture.

Lucifer: I can't read it.
Charlotte: But you speak every language.
Lucifer: Speak, not read. I've always found tongues much more useful.

Lucifer: Charlotte, where are you going?
Charlotte: To join the Peace Corps, donate my entire savings to an orphanage, or build a shelter for blind, one-legged puppies.
Lucifer: Well, as long as you're not being over-dramatic.

Charlotte: I was hoping that you had some memory-jogging techniques Perhaps some mental exercises I could do, preferably, while I'm sleeping because that's four hours a day I don't need to waste just sleeping.

Linda: If this information is as upsetting as you're making it out to be, I'm not interested in being the messenger. Afraid I'm too smart for that.
Charlotte: So what you're saying is I need to find someone he'll trust that is foolish enough to help me deliver the news.
Linda: That's the exact opposite of what I'm suggesting...
Charlotte: Thank you, Doctor. I know just the person.
[Leaves abruptly]
Linda: Now I see the resemblance.

Charlotte: [after being shot] Will you, will you stay with me?
Amenadiel: Yes, yes. I promise.
[His wings appear]
Amenadiel: Let's go home.

Charlotte: For the first time since I woke up on that beach, I thought, "Finally, something that makes sense. Of course I'm sleeping with Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome." Uh... uh... But now you're saying that's not... not even that's the case?
Lucifer: Look, I can assure you that you and I have not or will not ever, ever, ever... sleep together.

Charlotte: Uriel is a stubborn boy. When he sets his mind, it doesn't waver. He's not going to give up until he has either me or that detective.
Lucifer: I refuse to believe that. There is always another way.

Charlotte: Humans are silly animals, aren't they? Weak. Fragile.
Mazikeen: That's what I'm counting on.

Charlotte: So then, I said, "You can stick that brief in the circular file under your robe." Hint: it's his butt.

Charlotte: If I fell apart every time a man told me the he didn't like what I was doing, I'd be in a million pieces right now.

Charlotte: I'm sorry, but I'm going to need to borrow your bike.
[Knees guy]
Charlotte: Don't worry, it's for God.

Linda: You scared me! God!
Charlotte: *Goddess*.

Charlotte: These humans are awful. They breathe through their mouths, and they won't shut up about something called "gluten".

Charlotte: Tell me more about you and Lucifer. What comes next for you two lovebirds? Did he say anything about, uh, I don't know... matricide?
Candy: No, I think the mattress in the penthouse is pretty new.

Mazikeen: And how's that human husband ?
Charlotte: I discovered a trick with him. Whenever he asks a question, I just have sex with him. It seems to render him mute.
Mazikeen: Hmm. Took me a while to figure that one out.

Charlotte: It may be too late for us, but at least I'm trying to fix things. Maybe you can try, too.

Charlotte: I want what your father took from me. I want my home back. But I know that's not possible. So I want to do what I can to be a good mother to you here, on Earth.
Lucifer: It's too late. You abandoned me, Mum. You just stood by and watched as I was cast out. Thrown into Hell and vilified for all eternity. There aren't enough cheesy noodles in the universe to fix all that, I'm afraid,

Charlotte: My angel. I will miss you, so much.

Charlotte: She's a sinister genius.
Amenadiel: Mother, come on now.
Charlotte: Here I thought this "Candy" was an insipid dullard. But she may be the most formidable opponent I've ever faced