300 Best Ravi Chakrabarti Quotes

Ravi: I'm taking you out tonight, Clive. I'm a phenomenal wingman.
Clive: I hate going out. Mmm-mmm.
Peyton: Oh, we know. It says so here in your list of "hates."
[Looks at his tinder profile]
Peyton: You hate warm weather, and "This Is Us".
Clive: Yeah, it's emotionally manipulative.

Ravi: [Reading Liv's personal ad] "Liv from the Scratching Post." "Tim, my blue crew twinsie. You stole a kiss then stole my heart." Liv, you didn't. You did not post a Missed Connection...
Clive: "I believe in feta?"
Olivia: Fate! I was very hungry.

[Liv and Ravi ask Clive why he kept his cooking skills a secret from them]
Ravi: Why did you keep it a secret? You figured Shaft never cooked for his friends, so neither could you?
Olivia: It's adorable.
Clive: And there it is. Need I say more?

[Liv and Ravi introduce themselves to Uma Voss while undercover]
Olivia: I'm Julie Walker and this tall drink of water is my fiance.
Ravi: Shawrama Parachanchetabarka.
Olivia: [Liv continues speaking] We just started wedding planning.

[Ravi talks to the test subject rats to test the zombie cure on]
Ravi: All right, friends. What we have here is a concentrated dose of Max Rager and what we hope is Boat Party Utopium. If it's indeed the right stuff, you'll soon be zombie rats. Your courage will neither be forgotten, nor in vain. Who goes first? Do I have a volunteer?

Blaine: Of course I don't seem upset. I abhorred that kid. Doesn't mean I killed him.
Ravi: Well, it doesn't mean you didn't, either.
Blaine: Now, wait a minute. From a strictly rhetorical standpoint, I believe you're correct. He's good.

Female: The man sitting next to me. He was very suspicious.
Ravi: How so?
Female: Well, he was one of those, you know... Like you, and he had one of those whoosie-whatsits on his head.
Ravi: A whoosie-whatsit?
Female: One of those Muslim thingamabobs. Like Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard.
Ravi: So, by whoosie-whatsit you mean Turban. By Muslim you mean Sikh. And by like me you mean brown.
Female: [Unabashed] Yes.
Ravi: Wow.

[Major asks Ravi and Peyton for Zombie-Liv advice]
Major: Question. Since the two of you have really experienced zombie Liv first-hand, how extreme do her personality swings get?
Ravi: She can be a bit mercurial. But most of the time I enjoy the variety. Of course, I don't have to date her.
Peyton: There was the time her eyes turned red and she killed someone. I'm thinking that was probably a one-off.
Major: A one-off. That's good.

[Liv sums up what Twitter is to Ravi]
Olivia: Twitter, a vast collection of humanity's impetuous thought vomitings.
Ravi: I'd like to think I'm quite introspective about what I tweet to my, 23 followers.

Ravi: Peyton left me a message saying she wants to talk.
Major: She wants to "talk"? What does that even mean?
Ravi: ...Well, I'm fairly certain it means she wants to talk.
Major: Okay, is she the single most selfish person on the planet? She literally made you Eskimo brothers with Satan. She doesn't deserve face time with you.
Ravi: She doesn't?
Major: She slept with Blaine, which, first of all, ew, and second of all, I can't even.

[Clive reads a letter that murder victim Lacy Cantrell wrote to a man in prison, as Liv and Ravi listen along with]
Clive: Here we go. "I can't stop thinking about that bar in Lubbock, when that wildcatter started chatting me up. You threw him clean across the room. When we made love that n..." Oh, okay. Yeah, right.
Olivia: I hate that phrase, "made love." It's like sex went and hired a PR firm.
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: Well, I just say, 'do sex.' You know, like, uh...
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: [whispers in Clive's ear while grabbing his shoulder] 'Thank you for doing sex with me.'

Olivia: Fear not! I have slain the rodent foul. No more will his pestilent droppings threaten the purity of our tools and provisions and our boxes of cardboard will forevermore go un-gnawed.
Ravi: ...I think she killed the storage closet mouse.

[Liv, Clive, and Ravi go over the hotel security tapes that were watching over Syd Wicked's hotel room]
Olivia: So, Syd went into his room alive, no one else came in or out of it, and yet, he was murdered?
Ravi: You know what this means, right? The murder is a magic trick. Sometimes I really love this job.

[Liv tries to justify the death of Leslie Morgan]
Olivia: Maybe this is God's way of saying, 'Whoa, Seattle, too much coffee.'
Ravi: Not just any coffee. Positivity has Seattle's best coffee, verified by three straight titles in the local alt weekly reader's poll. Served up by the city's foxiest cashier. That part's simply my opinion.

[Major and Ravi describe to Clive how they found the dead body in the open field]
Clive: Geo-whatting?
Ravi: Geocaching. It's a real world outdoor treasure hunting game. Strangers leave caches, post the GPS coordinates, and then people like us go out and find them. That's what we were doing.
Clive: What sort of treasures?
Ravi: Oh! Let's see. Uh, Matchbox cars, sets of crayons.
Major: Yeah. I found a wheat penny once.
Clive: So treasures for children.
Ravi: It's more about the joy of discovery. Why do men climb mountains, Clive?
Clive: Because it tests their endurance, their courage, their sense of themselves as men? Oh, I'm sorry. Were you drawing a comparison?

[Ravi tells Liv that he would like a cool stage name]
Ravi: Syd Wicked. I want to change my name to something cool like that. What do you think of Rick Bang?
Olivia: I think Rick Bang lives in a one-bedroom apartment in the San Fernando Valley and gets paid to do it on camera.
Ravi: Ow. Well, Steph told me how to figure out my porn name. Sadly, it's Polly Cripplegate.

[Liv tells Ravi that Vaughn Du Clark is pure evil]
Olivia: Vaughn Du Clark. That man is pure evil. I know that at my very core.
Ravi: Rationalization isn't just a river in Egypt. No, no, wait. That's denial. Nevermind.

Ravi: Gut shot. Three times. Detective Benedetto didn't just die he ---
[Dramatic voice]
Ravi: Died hard.
Olivia: Hmm. My expert medical opinion is that he...
[Dramatic voice]
Olivia: Died hard, too.
[Normal voice]
Olivia: And such beautiful weather today, would you say...
Ravi: Yes. It was...
[Dramatic voice]
Ravi: A good day to die hard.
Clive: You two done?

Major: Listen to this love letter. "When they make a Chaos Killer TV movie, I hope you watch it in he'll with your pal Ted Bundy".
Ravi: Wait, you didn't actually kill anyone.
Major: Yeah, and the joke's on them. I'm not pals with Ted Bundy either.

[Major suggests to Ravi that they use the cure on Vaughn Du Clark]
Major: Vaughn can be our talking rat. Look, look, I scratch him, turn him into a zombie. We give him the cure. If he doesn't lose his memory, we know Blaine's lying. And if he does lose his memory, well, maybe the upside is he becomes a harmless shell of himself, like Blaine.
Ravi: I mean, there are some ethical hurdles I need to get my head around...
Major: He's planning on killing Liv and me as soon as I'm done with that zombie list.
Ravi: Okay, ethical hurdles cleared. I'll go prepare a syringe.

Olivia: And who might this hirsute stranger be? Introduce yourself.
Ravi: I am Mosco Bandywax of the Mirkwood Bandywaxes. I'm a Halfling monk.
Olivia: And you, good sir?
Major: I am Sir Jay Esclaborne, the human paladin.
Olivia: I don't remember your character earning a knighthood.
Major: Oh, he's not a knight. His first name is: Sirjay.
Olivia: ...Clever. I'll be watching you. And, you, madam?
Peyton: Uh, Brangelina Darksbane. Dark elf assassin.
Olivia: And who might this stout fellow be?
Clive: Earl. Dwarf fighter.

[Ravi rushes into Liv and Clive's bedroom]
Ravi: Are you decent?
Olivia: [under the blankets together] Decent enough.
Ravi: Tell me you haven't had sex yet.
Major: Seems like a question you could've asked outside the door.

[Peyton talks to Ravi and Major about women not being too needy]
Peyton: Let's get it all out in the open, Man-Things. What about Liv? She's not glomming onto you, is she? She's not cramping your style? She's not being too needy?
Major: No. It's all good. Real good.
Major: [Peyton and Ravi remain quiet] I mean, today she left me a voice-mail about how drowning would be a beautiful way to die, but otherwise, you know, same old Liv.
Ravi: Ah, yeah, uh, she's rolling hard on a death-obsessed magician. It will pass. She just needs to eat someone else's brain.
Major: Is that all?
Ravi: Mm-hmm.

Olivia: Straight talk? I don't think you and Peyton work. True, you like a challenge and Peyton is certainly that, but she dates guys you'd find in a most eligible bachelors on the planet catalog, if such a thing existed.
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: And you don't think I'd be featured in the pages of Hunks Quarterly?
Olivia: Ravi, she's a lawyer who looks like Victoria's Secret model.
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: Liv, I'm a tall doctor with fantastic hair and a British accent. But to hear you tell it, she's out of my league. I mean, I don't even *need* to be this attractive.

Ravi: Face was doused with a flammable liquid, set alight. Prolonged and painful. Not the way I'd choose to go. Whale ingestion, if you're curious.

[Liv and Ravi tell Clive they weren't surprised by Jordan's pierced penis]
Clive: You two don't seem that skeeved.
Ravi: We've pulled stranger things out of corpses. Golf balls. A snake.
Olivia: Besides, we were expecting it.
Clive: Jordan's pierced...
Ravi: Yeah, it's front and center on his sex tape.
Clive: He had a sex tape?
Ravi: [Ravi looks at Liv] Aw... So innocent.

Ravi: You're going to DC?
Peyton: Yeah, in a couple days. Did I forget to mention it?
Ravi: Yeah, you did. By the way, your voice goes up an entire octave when you're being sneaky.
Peyton: [High pitched] I'm not being sneaky.
Ravi: That's two octaves.

[Ravi tells Major that he's thinking of trying the Utopium drug]
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: I've been mulling it over, and I think it would be beneficial for me to try some. You know, so I could better understand its effects.
Major: Isn't that kind of like slapping a bear to better understand being mauled to death?
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: No. It's like smacking a bear to better understand physical exertion and adrenaline. Field research is incredibly helpful. Experiencing how Utopium works in the body could help my research immeasurably.

[Peyton and Ravi drink together as Ravi compliments her]
Ravi: I don't know what happened at work, but I promise, the only opinion you need to worry about is your own.
Peyton: It's a pretty low opinion right now.
Ravi: Well, it shouldn't be. You are formidable. I mean, you're clever and disciplined.
Peyton: Hardly.
Ravi: Those are just the top tier qualities. All right? You're also clearly blessed with a hollow leg.

Don: [about Blaine] Once, I heard him in his office, on the phone. He said, "Relax, man, you sound like John."
[Ravi stares blankly]
Don: John was this guy we used to know. He worried a lot. He got murdered a year ago. How can Blaine remember John if he has no memory?
Ravi: There's lots of people named John. I mean, I know at least three.
Don: Clearly we run in different circles,

[Clive hopes for Liv's help with the three headless victims]
Clive: Hoping you can work your magic, Liv, help ID these guys.
Olivia: Uh...
Ravi: Looks like a no-brainer to me, Liv.

[Liv is seen cooking Lacy Cantrell's brains, mixing eggs with flour and pinches of powdered spice, pieces of brains dropped into a batter, fried balls with a serving of hot sauce dip, as Liv begins to eat]
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: [groans] God help me, that smells sensational.

[Liv, Clive, and Ravi watch the video of Syd Wicked on his laptop]
Syd: Death. Most of us live in constant fear that at any moment, death will wrench us into an eternal darkness. But I have stared Death right in his face and he blinked first. Mark that. I'll use that for the intro for my closer.
Ravi: What showmanship. The world has lost a storyteller.

Blaine: Correct me if I'm wrong, Doc, but usually when a man's shirt is that open, someone's coming at his chest with crash pads.
Ravi: I don't engage in hate speech, so I have no response for you.

Olivia: Bunny ain't talking. Corpses are funny that way.
Ravi: Uh, there's a lot we can deduce from a body. That's literally our job.

Ravi: You know the old saying, "A watched pot never boils," until its contents reach a temperature at which the vapour pressure of the liquid is equal to the pressure exerted on the liquid by the surrounding atmosphere.

Ravi: Liv. Isobel told me she was sad that she was never going to have sex.
Olivia: Wouldn't you be?

Ravi: Can you focus, please?
Olivia: I am focused. I just don't understand why you can't spend five minutes with me without also trying to solve a murder!
Ravi: Liv!
[Exhales]
Ravi: You know how we finish...
Olivia: Each other's sentences?
Ravi: Yes! And sometimes can even read each other's...
Olivia: Texts!
[Ravi gives her a look]
Olivia: Minds!
Ravi: So what am I thinking right now?
Olivia: You want to... Get the phone, solve the case, and eventually become dance partners.
Ravi: Close enough.

[Clive arrives to the crime scene of Syd Wicked's dead body]
Ravi: Ugh! What is that horrible, horrible smell?
Clive: I'm guessing it's the dead body.

[Ravi imitates Marlon Brando from The Godfather, while going over the crime scene of Bailey Barker's corpse in the water]
Ravi: [in Brando's accent] 'It's a Sicilian message. It means Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.' That's Don Corleone.
Clive: No, it wasn't. And it was Clemenza who said that line, anyway.

[Liv gets in a taxi with Major and Ravi who are still on Utopium]
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: You guys are the best And - And can I just say how glad I am we're all in the know over the whole zombie thing.
Olivia: [Liv whispers with the cab driver in the front seat] Not cool, bro.
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi looks at Liv] I am your bro.
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi looks at Major] And I'm your bro.
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi tells the cab driver] And I'm your bro.
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: [Liv gets a text message, as Ravi tells Liv] And I'm a bro to whoever's texting you.

[Steph meets Peyton in front of Ravi, as Peyton leaves the two alone on the couch]
Steph: That's the girl you used to date?
Steph: [holds her hand up to Ravi for a high-five] Damn, playa!
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: No, no. I'm not high-fiving that. I wasn't born yesterday.

[Peyton and Ravi hug each other goodbye]
Peyton: You're the best.
Ravi: You know, for the record, I'd be very sad to see you go. My liver, on the other hand, is like, 'Good riddance.'

[Liv returns late to the lab speaking to Ravi]
Olivia: Sorry. I would've been back sooner but we got stuck behind an Asian driver.
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: Hey, Archie Bunker. I'm of Asian descent.
Olivia: Great. Explain to your people how turn signals work.
[Ravi freezes]

Ravi: Messing with the mind, it feels kind of Frankenstein-y.
Olivia: Horses disrupted feet. Trains disrupted the horse. Smart drugs will disrupt the mind itself. Imagine, Ravi. The new normal.
[Draws on white board]
Olivia: Synthetically enhanced brains processing a massively expanded sensorium wired into a worldwide data net with cybernetically empowered superbodies.
Ravi: Got it. The future will be obnoxious.

Ravi: You know, if we might get nuked at any minute, wouldn't you like to sail into the hereafter behind the wheel of a classic American...
Peyton: I already bought tickets from Liv.

Ravi: What if it's Blaine?
Olivia: Huh?
Ravi: What if it's not a teenager or a middle-aged man? What if Blaine and his goons walk through the door? Trained killers.
Olivia: I'd forgotten about Blaine.
[Quickly]
Olivia: It's probably not Blaine.

Ravi: The original batch of Boat Party Utopium. Now I know how Sir Galahad felt when he at last held the Holy Grail.
Olivia: The Holy Grail? So, who would that make my father?
Ravi: ...Mordred?

[Liv tells Ravi she wants to name the test subject rats after the Boston Celtics players]
Olivia: As the ranking zombie on-site, shouldn't I get veto-power over their names? I'm kind of over your whole Star Wars theme. Why don't we name these guys after the '86 Celtics?
Ravi: As in Celtic F.C., from Glasgow?
Olivia: As in Boston Celtics. Bird, Mchale, Parrish.
Ravi: Then, no. I don't have the foggiest idea who those guys are. And neither will you in a few days. We'll just be standing here trying to remember why we're calling a rat Bird.
Ravi: [Ravi talks down to one of the rats, Ravi then smacks his lips] Isn't that right Boba Ratt?

Ravi: Nice look. Bit more reserved than I was expecting, frankly.
Olivia: Like I would be interested in the input from someone whose style would best be described as British boy school CPR mannequin.

[Major and Liv try to come up with a plan to get into Max Rager]
Ravi: So, what? You plan on Weekend At Bernie's-ing a dead Janko through the halls of Max Rager?
Major: Of course not.
Olivia: We'll just take his hand.
[Ravi frowns at their decision]

[Ravi tries to beg for Peyton to stay with him and Major]
Ravi: Stay here. You know, you'll have two men living with you, one's practically a Greek God, who's turned his body into a finely-tuned weapon, and, of course, Major. And either of us would do anything for you.
Peyton: My new place has a 24-hour doorman and a hot tub.
Ravi: The Major will serve as our doorman. All right? He's great with doors. The opening. The closing. And I will make sure your tub time's hot as hell.

[Ravi watches a video of social-media-brain Liv unpack a MorgueTech box]
Ravi: A hundred and fifty-three people watched you unpack a box. How? Why? Please tell me you're not watching your own vlog.

Liv: I'm having a hard enough time pretending I'm alive, let alone throwing a performance as a psychic into my repertoire.
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: Liv, you ate the girl's temporal lobe. Going to the police with her potential murderer is the least you can do.

[the coffee shop cashier Darcy reads Ravi their thought of the day]
Darcy: 'We must become the change we wish to see in the world.' That's Gandhi.
Ravi: Your boss is Gandhi?
Darcy: No, the quote is Gandhi.
Ravi: I know that. Of course I know that. I'm British. That manky old git cost us the crown jewel of our empire.

[superhero-brain Liv tells Ravi this city needs more than a symbol]
Olivia: [Liv in a low voice] This city needs more than a symbol.
Ravi: Yeah, you keep saying stuff like that. I'll follow behind you, jotting notes for the graphic novel.

Johnny: You need me to take a cure for zombie-ism on live TV?
Ravi: This cure.
Johnny: Why me?
Major: You may be Seattle's most well-known zombie.
Johnny: I'm not even Seattle's most well-known zombie in a six-foot radius.

Clive: According to his parents, in his spare time, he did something called "larpering." The parents didn't know much about it, but it sounded in your wheelhouse, so...
Ravi: It's actually called LARPing and it stands for "Live Action Role-Playing."
Clive: So it's like a sex thing?
Ravi: What? No.

Sergeant: Got your ID?
Ravi: You have a copy right here.
Sergeant: They're sticklers for this stuff. You don't like it? Change the incentives.
Ravi: [Opens box] There's nothing in here.
Sergeant: Yeah, that was Sergeant Paul. Not a stickler. Now fired. See how it works?

[Peyton and Ravi share a drink together when she tells him about her college days]
Peyton: When I was in college, I had this professor, and when he'd hand out the Friday quiz, he'd say, 'Duck soup for you, Sweetheart.' I think he thought it was easier for me than everyone else. But I was probably working twice as hard.
Ravi: Yeah, before you moved in, I just thought you were a fembot that plugged into a charging station at night.

Ravi: The problem was me. I was too immature. I wasn't ready for someone like you.
Vanessa: I wish someone would just be honest with me for once. I mean, it's not like I fell in love with you. I didn't even remember you being Russian.

[Ravi sits Liv and Major on the couch to tell them something]
Ravi: I thought you should both hear this at the same time.
Major: Oh, no, are you and Mom getting a divorce?

[Liv comes to the lab wearing a bright blue dress, wearing make-up, with straight hair]
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: I'm confused. Is this a Seattle morgue or a Milan catwalk?
Olivia: You like? It's my roommate's. I literally had nothing to wear until she gave me a free pass to raid her closet. I thought this was a good look for work, because I wear this dress like someone's paying me to.
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: Oh, as I do with this.
[Ravi gives a twist in his lab coat]

Olivia: We need to find a Rhonda Hardbody porno where she plays a private eye's sexy Italian client.
Ravi: Why not? I've got nothing better to do.
Olivia: [Passes over a list] It's one of the movies on this list. Focus on the crime thrillers.
Ravi: So, ignore remakes of classics, such as The Magnificent Seven-Way, Bone-hur... No doubt part of the criterion hard-core collection.

[Ravi tells Peyton that he's considering to become a bad boy]
Ravi: Personally, I've been toying with the idea of, uh, becoming a bad boy.
Peyton: Is that right?
Ravi: Yeah. Start banging my mates' girlfriends, get into strip club fights, tip a few cows.
Peyton: I can't imagine you doing any of that.
Ravi: Well, you can't imagine good Ravi cow tipping, but bad Ravi?
Ravi: [Ravi scoffs] He'll knock a broad-arse bovine on her side without a second thought.

[Ravi sees social-media-brain Liv write a mean food review]
Ravi: 'Real talk? Your sandwich artist was chugging some serious haterade today. No eye contact? Am I a leper? Also, where's the main-from-scratch sriracha? The artisanal pickles?' One star. A bit harsh for Bernie's Sub Shack, don't you think? We eat there once a week.
Olivia: [Liv keeps typing] Hashtag 'Sorry, not sorry.'

[Ravi holds one of Taylor Fowler's breast implants]
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: She must have taken quite a fall. The other implant burst on impact.
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi throws up and catches the implant in front of Liv and Clive] German. Top of the line.

Clive: You might wanna make yourself a little snack.
Olivia: It will be just a *little* snack, thank you very much. Because this---
[Holds up tiny brain bits]
Olivia: ... Has to last me a week.
Ravi: Don't you always say you wish you were on a diet?
Olivia: I'm kidding. I'm mocking people who say that. That's how anti-diet I am. I have bits about my hatred of that lifestyle choice.
Ravi: All right. You're hangry

Olivia: Flirty Zone 19 janitor who likes you is good.
Ravi: You could, like, subtly pump him for inside information.
Dr. Collier: Oh, I've tried. The only scoop I got is that there's a racist security guard who thinks Darrell and the other black janitor are the same guy, and he calls them both "Chief."

Olivia: What was she like? Anything weird?
Ravi: You know, driven, direct, nothing weird. You've had worse.
Olivia: That's your glowing endorsement? You slept with this woman.

Olivia: [Watching video of Gordie Shultz] This is him?
Clive: It's a highlight reel of sorts.
Ravi: You're going to be a hockey player, Liv.
Olivia: He's not a hockey player, he's a felon.
Clive: He's a goon.
Ravi: [Happily] You're going to be a goon, Liv!

Ravi: A few weeks ago, I gave a syringe to Major, just in case. He never used it. He's still got one dose.
Olivia: So, we just wait for Major to get back?
Ravi: It'll give you time to think of something better than ice cream. A figgy pudding, perhaps. Oh! Or a Sherry trifle. A good flummery... .

[Clive realizes that they're going to be interviewing a bunch of magicians]
Clive: So how many magicians come to this.
Ravi: PrestoFest every year? Oh, upwards of 200. Then you have your semi-professionals, your weekend wizards, and the occasional hypnotist. 'PrestoFest, come for the illusions and stay for the sleight of ha... '
Clive: [Clive inerrupts Ravi] Looks like we're going to be interviewing a whole lot of magicians. Sometimes I really hate this job.

Ravi: What's a "Fillmore-graves brain tube thing?"
Major: It's like a yogurt tube full of mashed-up brains. No personalities. No visions. I'm pretty psyched to try it.
Olivia: No, no, no, no! If they wanna eat brain mash, let them eat brain mash. But in this house, we eat whole brains and we solve murders.

[Ravi tells erotica-librarian-brain Liv to think about baseball]
Olivia: She wrote erotica, I can barely keep it in my pants.
Ravi: Then you think about something sacred, like your mum. Or something gross, like Margaret Thatcher. What do American boys think about?
Olivia: Baseball, I guess?
Ravi: [Ravi rocks his head up and down] Then think about baseball.

Ravi: She the cast of Clueless or something?
Clive: '90s Teen Pageant Girl brain.
Ravi: Gnarly.
Clive: Uh... That was more '80s.
Ravi: [Valley girl accent] Whatever!

[Liv prepares herself on finding out the killer of Chad Wolcoff]
Clive: I'm really gonna need a hand with this, so let me know when things get extrasensory.
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: [Clive walks off as Ravi whispers to Liv] Well, I hope you like yager bombs and homoerotic subtext.
[the scene cuts to the scenes of Liv microwaving, eating, and washing the dishes after eating Chad's brains]
Clive: [Clive calls Liv] Can you meet me upstairs?
Olivia: Yes.
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: [Liv turns, burps, and walks forward] And so it begins...

Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: Though not remotely sexual that's got to be some form of harassment.
Liv: Watch your fingers that scalpel is sharp.
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: I'd say Emily's brain effects are taking hold, specifically the fierce maternal instinct that kicks in just prior to giving birth.
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: I can call it a day, unless you have the urge to make me lunch or do my laundry.
Liv: You wish. Have you, really, not eaten lunch ?
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: Please let this conversation end with you cutting the crust of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Liv: That's not funny. Are you really, hungry though, seriously ? I think I'm done for the day. But you should eat something. Possibly, with vegetables, if you so choose. Okay, I'm leaving now.

Ravi: Who's the victim?
Clive: Frank Chisel. Private investigator, and a colossal pain in the ass.
Ravi: It's so noir. Clive, you'll be the perpetually annoyed cop who's a thorn in Liv's side... Not much of a stretch, really.

[Ravi comes home to find Blaine at his house]
Ravi: With everything that's going on, I have no business feeling this happy, yet, here I am, feeling...
Ravi: [Ravi sees Blaine in his kitchen] Nauseas.

Ravi: What's up with you? You look like the zombie who ate the canaries brain.

[Ravi calls Clive the man of the hour for his heroism]
Olivia: We've been pulling bullets out of Mr. Cole all day. We heard you were inches away.
Clive: Yards away. Nothing heroic about not getting shot.
Ravi: Well, did you soil yourself?
Clive: No.
Ravi: [Ravi smiles] Then it's heroic in my book.

Blaine: It may have gotten back to Mr. Boss that I had developed, um, feelings for Miss Charles
Detective: And those feelings were..
Peyton: Unreciprocated.
Detective: Yeah, but, boy... Talk about grand gestures.
Ravi: "Unreciprocated," she said. You didn't get that down.
Detective: Only because I can't spell it.

Clive: McKenna probably saw who killed her. Liv should make this a quick one, where is she?
Ravi: Funny... Funny story. She's been kidnapped.
Clive: It's not that funny.
Ravi: By Major. In a nice way.

[Blaine walks into the police morgue]
Blaine: [walking in hunched over] Brains! Bra...
Blaine: [when Blaine clears his throat] Kidding. Kind of. I do need brains. You got any?
Ravi: You've reverted to zombie form?
Blaine: Well, if I haven't, things have just gotten... kinky.

Detective: Don't waste your sympathy on these guys. They're the worst of the worst.
Ravi: Who's that guy who put his victims' organs in jars?
Detective: Perry the Pickler.
Detective: There's Ice Pick Rick, Zombie Killer Cain...

Ravi: I sold 60 raffle tickets.
Olivia: Sixty? We only got 50.
Ravi: I sold 10 of yours too, which makes me current sales leader.
Olivia: I haven't started, you cheated.
Ravi: I've heard that before. Oh, that's right, it's the first line of the loser national anthem.

Major: Remember Shawna, the girl who wrote me that sweet letter? The big Chaos Killer fan?
Ravi: You didn't.
Major: Oh, but I did. Several times.
Ravi: Ah...
Major: It's not just sex, though. I mean... No, I mean, it's mostly sex, but... She has a lot of other qualities, and I... I cannot wait to experience whatever those are as well.
Ravi: I'm sure propriety and modesty are high on that list.

[Ravi tells Blaine that him and Peyton were involved with each other]
Blaine: [about Peyton] Why would Mr. Boss think I'd endanger myself to save her?
Ravi: Because, as I understand it, you were, uh, involved with her.
Blaine: How deeply?
Ravi: A merciful God spared me the details.

[last lines]
Major: [Major, Ravi and Liv find the dead body in the open field] Oh! Whoo!
Ravi: Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Yeah! Yay!

[Ravi tells Major that they have to tell Liv about Max Rager]
Major: Okay, look, everything I have done has been to protect her.
Ravi: Not to be funny, but that's what she said.

Ravi: These are some kids we rescued from their captors. All, unfortunately, suffering from Freylichs, but, doing okay for now.
Olivia: Ravi, you did it.
Ravi: Major helped.
Major: I was gigolo bait, and I got shot.

Ravi: All I'm saying is, next time you and Peyton get into a bar fight, I'd like to be there.
Olivia: We did all right without you.
Ravi: Oh, I know, I don't need to participate, I just wanna watch.

[Ravi gives Liv some advice about what to do in regards to Peyton Charles returning to the city]
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: Look, you and Peyton have been best friends since college. You don't just casually walk away from that. Now, I bet she'll want to be back in your life. Maybe not right away. But eventually. And when she does, I hope you've left the door open.

[Liv on coffee-girl-brain asks Clive what his notion of Heaven is]
Olivia: What's your notion of Heaven, Clive?
Clive: Just, you know, Heaven-heaven.
Ravi: Except in 'Clive-heaven' things are a little bit tougher than here on Earth.

Ravi: Bunny La Fonda, mid 20s, 5'4", 110 pounds. Time of death, about 11:00 p.m.
[Puts on noir-esque voice]
Ravi: It was a hard rain that night. The kind that turns street into rivers. It rained so hard, the house cats almost felt bad for the rats in the alley.

Clive: AJ and another Cobra member, Bi Li Xiong, AKA "Fleabag", helped Ghansu with a heist that netted a quarter-mil in jewels.
Ravi: Fleabag? Do you think there was an isolated incident were the man had fleas, or did he always have them and everyone's just accepted it?
Olivia: I assumed that he had a taste for cheap motels.

Harley: Do I know you from somewhere?
Olivia: I get that a lot. Don't I get that a lot?
Ravi: She gets that a lot.
Olivia: There's this girl on one of those shows on TV and everyone says i look like her. What's it called?
Ravi: Oh, yes. It's got a dumb name.

[Liv on actor-brains does some improvisation with Ravi and an imaginary apple]
Olivia: Remember what it's like to eat an apple? Oh, look, there's one now, ripening on this tree.
Ravi: [Liv picks the apple off the imaginary tree] Hey, I was saving that.
Olivia: [Liv shines the apple on her lab coat before taking a bite of it] The skin is so smooth and cool. Here, let me make it shiny before I... Mmm. So crisp and juicy. Oh, sorry. I got some on you.
Ravi: Fascinating. I wish I had some popcorn. Oh, wait, I do.
[Ravi smiles, opening his computer desk and pulling out a bowl of imaginary popcorn]

Olivia: This pathological liar brain is gonna get me in trouble. I can feel it.
Ravi: Not with me. I'll know the truth when I hear it.
Olivia: Ahh! I stand corrected.

Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: [cell phone chiming and vibrating] What's going on? You keep getting texts that disappoint you.
Liv: They're not the texts that I want.
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: I hate to pry...
Liv: Said the man who keeps asking me for my urine samples.

[coffee-shop-brain Liv chooses to believe that the spirit of Leslie Morgan is in a better place]
Olivia: What a mess. Poor thing. I choose to believe she's in a better place now.
Ravi: Than under an air conditioner, you mean?
Olivia: I'm talking about Shangri-La. The happy hunting grounds. Valhalla. The great coffee shop in the sky.

[Ravi comes up with one last superhero name for Liv]
Ravi: Ideally, the name should be symbolic and correspond with your aesthetic and/or powers. Okay. Give this one a moment. Don't say no right away. 'Ol' Scratchy'!

[Liv asks what to do when Drake calls her]
Olivia: [Drake calls] It's him. What do I do?
Ravi: Well, he's a zombie with anger issues and a prison record. As far as millennial break up options go, ghosting him gets my vote.

Olivia: Rough night, playa?
Ravi: Please keep your rebuke to a dull roar.
Olivia: I'll let god be your judge.
[pause]
Olivia: But let's review the facts, shall we? First, you tell Peyton that you're in love with her, leaving her confused and speechless, and then you take home your old boss for a drunken hate-bonk. And when Peyton shows up to say that she's ready to take a chance on Pavi or Rayton or whatever it is that you two would call yourselves, you kiss her, while your latest conquest is in the next room. Not good.
Ravi: I know.
Olivia: Also, I believe god is a woman, so, you're really screwed.

[Liv sits beside Ravi and begins smelling what smells like cologne]
Olivia: [sniffs] Are you wearing cologne?
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: Uh, it's called Desire-Rx. It has human pheromones in it. I'm a walking sex experiment.
Olivia: Seeing Steph again tonight?
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: Obviously. She's my test subject.
Olivia: Look at you! You don't know whether to wind your watch or scratch your ass.
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: I'm fairly certain I do. My watch self-winds. My ass, on the other hand...

Clive: I don't think I can roll with this. I mean, what if in the history of the Zombie Wars I'm the human who had a chance to say something, and I sat on my hands?
Ravi: I mean, bright side, the writer of the history of the Zombie Wars will very likely be a zombie, and you'll be viewed as a hero.

[Major finds Ravi in his room looking for nail clippers]
Ravi: Uh, I didn't know you were home. I was looking for my nail clippers.
Major: Be honest, man. When I leave the house, you like to try on my clothes just to feel close to me.
Ravi: Sometimes.

Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: So, in the five months you've been here, what's the weirdest thing you've seen?
Liv: You drinking cereal milk over a corpse?
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: I like that you always keep it under 15 syllables. It gives us a good rhythm. Working with my last resident was like prepping for the Newlywed Game. "Oh, what's your favorite color?" "How old were you when you first touched a boob?" It's nice to know I can dissect a Jane Doe's spleen without feeling obligated to list my top desert island albums.

[Ravi arrives back to work late with Liv's lunch]
Ravi: Lunch is here! Finally. Did you get lost?
Olivia: I would've been back sooner, but the guy in front of me in line had a mild heart attack. I had to administer CPR, wait for paramedics... He'll survive, but your Kung Pao chicken may be cold.
Ravi: [smiles] Then it would be small of me to complain.

Ravi: I hate sex slavery as much as anyone, but I don't feel like going out in public at the moment.
Major: Ravi, it's a stakeout, all right? We'll hunker down in my car. You don't even have to wear pants.
Ravi: ...Why not?

[Liv on coffee-girl-brain asks Clive what brings him to the morgue on a beautiful morning]
Olivia: So, what brings you down here on this beautiful morning?
Clive: It's raining.
Olivia: [Liv with a smile] That's liquid sunshine, my friend. Don't believe me? Ask a farmer. Or a duck.
Ravi: Or Gene Kelly.

Don: Let me go, you inbred turds!
Bo: He doesn't think we're Nazis anymore.
Ravi: It's progress.

Ravi: Isobel could be the key to creating a vaccine that could prevent every human on the planet from catching the zombie virus. As difficult as this is for her, it's the responsible thing to do. It's the adult thing to do.
Isobel: Ravi? My mom wants to speak to you.
Ravi: [Terrified] Oh, God. No, not me. Liv, you do it.
Olivia: I believe taking that phone call is the adult thing to do.

[Ravi tells Peyton that him and his girlfriend Steph are planning to celebrate Guy Fawkes Day together]
Ravi: Well, she's just getting a bit intense, you know, okay... I mean, she told me we're celebrating Guy Fawkes Day tomorrow. I didn't have the heart to tell her it was a few weeks ago.
Peyton: [Peyton chuckles] Guy Fawkes Day, huh? Yeah... she's definitely going to propose.

[Major finds a car license plate while looking for the tainted Utopium in the 100-acre field]
Ravi: Add it to the, 'Not Utopium' pile.

Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: [reads description of a corpse in the morgue] Marvin Webster here, family man, two kids, suburbs, owner operator of Sea-Tac Bug Whack until someone ran him over in the Whole Lotta Lotta car park. Should be a pretty safe brain to eat.
Liv: Said nobody. Ever.

[Ravi receives a text from social-media-brain Liv]
Ravi: 'The struggle is real. Props for the good looks. Boom.'

Ravi: Mmm. A guy with an ankle monitor gets a hot girlfriend. Yet some women won't date a guy who wears Crocs.

Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: His paintings are very popular. Who doesn't love a vibrant, abstract nude?
Liv: Hint, she eats brains... It looks like he was just trying to show off how many different colors of paint he owned.

[Clive gathers information to pass onto Agent Bozzio]
Clive: I'll run this by Bozzio.
Ravi: [Ravi whispers] If she bears your children, you'll start using her first name, right?

[Ravi and Liv tell Clive about the Grace LeGare homicide]
Ravi: [about Grace LeGare] So they send her to us. And she might've been categorized a 'respiratory failure' due to 'unknown'. But...
Olivia: But Ravi figured it out, and he's super desperate for an attaboy.
Clive: [Clive hesitates] Attaboy.

[Liv tells Ravi that Jordan Marsh was trying to star in the new Power Rangers movie before his murder]
Ravi: If I'm hearing you right, there's going to be another Power Rangers movies!

[Liv shows up to The Slow Roll country bar, explaining to Ravi how nervous she is]
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: What? What's with the face?
Olivia: [nervously] I'm sweating like a 10-dollar whore on nickel night. What if my voice cracks? What if, in the middle of my song, some redneck shouts out, 'Show us your hooters!' and I go into full-on zombie mode?
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: Oh, 'if, if, if.' If a bullfrog had wings it wouldn't bump its bum when it jumps.

[Ravi tells Major the good news about the location of the tainted Utopium]
Major: Where do you think it is?
Olivia: In the stomach of a dead drug dealer with a prosthetic leg.
Ravi: Well, the good news is, we've managed to narrow the location of his unmarked grave to a single 100-acre field.
Major: You really need to work on the whole 'good news' concept.

[Ravi asks Liv if they can follow Positivity-brain Major all day]
Major: I got some hair to dye and some skin to spray-tan. Carpe diem!
Ravi: [Major taps his heels together to Liv and Ravi before walking out] Can we play hooky and follow him around for the rest of the day?

Olivia: You know, I could catch any D I want in this place?
Ravi: Most of the guys in here are human.
Olivia: They won't be when I'm making them brains for breakfast.
[Ravi gives her a look]
Olivia: Just kidding. I'm not gonna let them stay for breakfast.

Ravi: I just need to get into character.
[Puts on a posh accent]
Ravi: The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain. The rain in Spain...
Olivia: [Cockney] 'ello, Ravi. I'm a good girl, I am.
Ravi: Liv, I'm trying to channel Prince William and you sound like a garbage disposal with vocal fry.
Olivia: I thought you were doing My Fair Lady, OG makeover movie.

[Liv tells Clive about the time Ravi took a video of her snoring]
Olivia: Ravi took a video of me snoring, and I was on the verge of ripping out every follicle of his facial hair if he hadn't deleted it.
Ravi: [Ravi next to the two] Steady.

Ravi: I can't even prevent a bunch of dying kids from being hunted like dogs. I'll be in my office beating myself up mentally and emotionally.

[Ravi listens to all of his phone recordings of himself from the night before while he was on Utopium at the rave club]
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi listens to the recording] Bubbles... Are... Magical!
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi skips to the next] I'm lagging, swagging, high on the wagon that she dragging! Blow her brain out the back with goods I'm packing! Weezy...
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi skips to the next] Major, you know what we need for the house? Velvet! Major. Major. Major! Major - Major.

[Liv gives Ravi a lecture back at the lab]
Olivia: I am literally going through hell. Do you even care?
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: Okay, you've literally forgotten the meaning of the word 'Literally'
Olivia: It's not my fault! All my friends are cold-hearted bitches, and that includes the men. Why is everyone abandoning me? Why?
Olivia: [Liv throws her bag down and sits on the couch] I'm sorry. I just really need a pinot and some salty chocolate right now.

[Blaine and Ravi both watch Liv scratch the unconscious Drake]
Blaine: Hey, let's get some mojitos. You know, celebrate.
Ravi: The next shift is showing up here in 10 minutes. This would be rather hard to explain.
Blaine: [Blaine looks at Drake un the body bag] Gotta zip you back up, friend. Down you go.

Isobel: I'm just thinking of all the stuff I'm gonna miss out on. You know, going to college. Winning a Nobel Prize. Falling in love. Having sex.
Ravi: Let me stop you right there. sex? Totally overrated.
Isobel: Is that why you wait up until 2:00 a.m. for Peyton to come home? Because sex is "totally overrated"?
Ravi: ...I wait up for the companionship.

[Liv and Ravi arrive to the set of Zombie High]
Olivia: Last night, I was watching Zombie High, and now I'm friggin' in it. But only because the star's been murdered. Is there a word that means both cool and awful?
Ravi: In the 16th century, the word was egregious. Now it just means, 'shockingly bad.' As in, the way Zombie High treats science.
Olivia: It's not supposed to be a documentary on zombie biology.
Ravi: Then mission accomplished.

[first lines]
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: [sewing stitches] Easy. You're lucky you're not dead. Although, if you were, this would come much more naturally to me.
Major: [laying on his exam table] You know what you're doing, right?
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: I mean, theoretically. Sure. But did you consider a trip to the ER?
Major: I'm a social worker. My insurance covers, like, one Band-Aid a year.
Olivia: [entering] Major? What the hell?
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: It's nothing.
Olivia: Those are Y-incision stitches! They need to be closer together, unless you're going for that Frankenstein look.
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: The man's too good-looking. I'm giving him character.

Olivia: [Texting] Lady next to me says she recognizes me from somewhere. She signed up for wifi.
Clive: Not good.
Olivia: She's looking up "The Good Place". She thinks I'm Kristen Bell.
Ravi: She will be sorely disappointed.

[Ravi learns that Seattle has a vigilante crime fighter named The Fog]
Ravi: I'm sorry, Seattle has a vigilante crime fighter called The Fog? How did I not know about this?
Clive: Oh, we've got a few superhero wannabes here.

[Peyton asks Major and Ravi to rent the apartment across from her and Liv]
Peyton: Please, try and rent the apartment across the hall.
Olivia: So we can be like the friends from Friends.
Peyton: Oh! Yes!
Ravi: Fantastic idea! Peyton is Monica-esque.
Ravi: [Ravi looks at Liv] You're clearly a Rachel. Type-A. Relationship drama.

Ravi: We produce the episodes, we post them online. The episodes go viral.
Peyton: Viral's good.
Ravi: Right. Think about what Will & Grace did for gay people. Or what The Cosby Show did for...
Peyton: Let's not use that example.

[Peyton stops by the police morgue to see Liv]
Ravi: [Ravi holds a brain in his hands] Peyton, what a pleasant surprise. If I had known you'd be stopping by, I would've worn my less bloody lab coat.
Peyton: Never visiting you at work again.

[Liv talks to Ravi about the remaining body of Wendell Gale]
Olivia: We're cremating Wendell? We couldn't find any next of kin?
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: We found them. They just weren't interested in claiming his body.
Olivia: [Liv rolls out Wendell's dead body, narrating] What do you have to say for yourself, Wendell? Life dealt you a lousy hand, so you just folded tent, decided it was easier to be a rotten bastard. That's not gonna be me. I'm going down swinging.

Ravi: So, I searched the AKA database for that utopian chemist Major told us about from the surveillance tape.
Olivia: Beanpole Bob?
Ravi: Not a single hit. Several variations of Mike the Pole, Joe the Pole, so-and-so the pole, all miscreants of Polish descent. Ooh, one Beanpole Jim, and a cat burglar who perished in an AC duct. Zero Beanpole Bobs.

Ravi: What the hell are you doing here?
Blaine: Is that any way to speak to a man in his own home?
Ravi: And my, what a home it is.
Blaine: Hey, I just heard you compliment my lamp. No takesie-backsies.

[Ravi asks Major in prison where his storage unit is in the form of a video game question]
Ravi: [Ravi clears his throat] I... actually... wanted to ask you about, a um... video game thing.
Major: Video game?
Ravi: I'm playing that zombie game we play? And I'm stuck. Um, and I have to get to the, uh, frozen zone... Where everything's frozen.
Major: What game is this?
Ravi: Zombie... Town?
Major: [Major looks at the guard over his shoulder] Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Zombie Town.
Ravi: Yeah. I need to find the frozen zombies to beat the level, but I don't know how to get there.
Major: Right. Right. Um, the frozen zone. Okay, what you have to do, is go to the edge of water... world.
Ravi: Edge of Water World?
Major: Yeah. On 15th. Level. 15th level.

[Liv, Clive and Ravi go over the murder of actor Jordan Mason Marsh]
Clive: The actor who pulled the trigger apparently had no idea he was holding a real weapon.
Olivia: Who was that?
Clive: Wyatt Carver.
Olivia: [Liv in excitement] Cody! Sorry.
Ravi: Uh, she's seen every episode. On purpose.

[Liv cuts the red suit off the dead Santa Claus in the morgue]
Olivia: This isn't the sort of visit from old Saint Nick I had in mind.
Ravi: [Ravi into his recorder] Beard color, white as snow.

[Liv arrives to the crime scene of the murdered Chad Wolcoff]
Olivia: [Chad's corpse wears a Caesar outfit] What happened to Caesar?
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: Oh, he came, he saw, he was stabbed several times in quick succession with a sharp cylindrical object. Likely an ice pick.

Ravi: Clarissa Bates is desperate to get out of Seattle, and she's tired of dating old sugar daddies. So, I figured, a dashing specimen such as yourself might, you know...
Major: That's what this is about? You want me to be some kind of gigolo bait?
Ravi: Oh... I was thinking "spy." It sounds cooler and less dirty.

Olivia: Buck up, buttercup. You're bumming these kids out.
Ravi: ...We're at a memorial.

Clive: [Going through victim's room] What the hell is a "Weener Kleener"?
Ravi: I'll bet it gives you a cleaner weiner.

Ravi: What's the prize for whoever sells the most tickets?
Clive: A mountain bike.
Ravi: The mountain's on the other side of the wall.
Clive: Then don't win the contest.

[Major arrives home to find out Ravi named Major's new dog, Minor]
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: Things are different now with Minor here.
Major: Minor?
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: He was whining all night.
Major: You named the dog Minor?

[Clive, Ravi, and Liv arrive to the crime scene of the night security guard]
Clive: Mike Hayden, night security guard.
Ravi: Shot through the heart. And who's to blame?
Ravi: [Ravi doesn't get a response] No Bon Jovi fans here.

[Blaine asks Ravi for some clothes while at the morgue]
Blaine: You wouldn't happen to have any clothes I could borrow? Maybe something vaguely redolent of punting on the Thames?
Ravi: Will that be all?
Blaine: You mind calling me an Uber?

[Liv asks Ravi how him and his girfriend Steph are]
Olivia: Things good with you and Steph?
Ravi: Yeah, they're fine, I guess.
Olivia: Can you have sex without worrying you'll turn her into a member of the undead?
Ravi: Yeah.
Olivia: Then no bitching.
Ravi: Well, I didn't think I was. It might be time for someone to eat.

[Ravi watches a scene of Zombie High]
Ravi: Ugh, it's like a bad-acting workshop. This is what you get when a TV show worships at the altar of youth, bimbos and himbos running around screaming, in a school where, apparently, shop class isn't the only place to see something wooden and poorly constructed.

[Ravi shows Liv the dead body of a drug dealer from the rave club]
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: All four victims are missing teeth and fingernails. The detective on the case thinks someone was sending a message.
Olivia: [Liv and Ravi walk up to the body on the table] And this is the guy who sold you and Major Utopium at the club?
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: I buy drugs one time, purely for research purposes, and this is what happens. How bad must my karma be?

[first lines]
Ravi: [Ravi tells Major and Liv what he salvaged from their unburied Utopium bodies] Stomach acid ate through all of the tainted Utopium-filled condoms they swallowed, but luckily, one of them had the good sense to stash these in their prison wallet, allowing me to salvage enough powder...
Major: If not your dignity.
Ravi: ...to create more cure.

Clive: So anyone this rich, you've gotta assume money's a motive.
Ravi: Clive. You may have a fractured vertebra. You can't keep detective-ing through a broken back. You're not Batman.
Clive: You don't know that.

[Clive goes over the crime scene of Mike Hayden as Liv and Ravi talk sarcastically]
Olivia: So, what? He turned off the cameras so his killer couldn't be identified? Think how easy it would be if there was video footage.
Ravi: Yeah. And the killer could've been wearing a T-shirt that inexplicably has his name and address written across his chest.
Olivia: And the address was, like, right next to the police station.
Ravi: And the killer's just waiting calmly, already in handcuffs, just, sort of, reciting his Miranda rights to himself.
Olivia: That would be so great! Now what're we gonna do?
Clive: [Clive hesitates] I guess we earn our paychecks.

[magician-brain Liv does a magic card trick for Ravi]
Olivia: Okay. Have you thought of a card? Do you see it?
Ravi: [Liv does the magic trick, as Ravi gasps] The 10 of clubs is missing. Where did it go, you witch?
Olivia: Ah! The 10 of clovers. A clover needs a dark space to take root. A place as dark as a closed casket buried six feet under.
Ravi: That's dark.
Olivia: Or, a man's back pocket.
Ravi: [Ravi gasps when finding the card in his back pocket] This is the best brain ever! I almost want to start killing magicians so it never ends.

[Major wakes up after Ravi was forced to tranquilize him]
Major: What happened?
Ravi: Let me see, what was it? Oh, yeah, um... I accused you of being the Chaos Killer, you turned into a raging zombie, I tranquilized you. How do you feel?
Major: Honestly? Hungry.

Ravi: Clearly, American Ninja Warrior brain. We basically have to do a high-wire obstacle course through the labs of Zone 19. One ninja warrior, we'll be able to climb walls.
Olivia: Look, I'm just saying Cirque du Soleil is a bit more stealthy. We have to climb without being seen.
Ravi: We don't know what role they had. They could've been a mime.

Ravi: Clearly you're being distant. It's not my fault we brain-banged.
Olivia: I'm just having a weird day, okay?
Ravi: Most women can't help thinking about sex when they look at me. You'll get used to it.
[pause]
Ravi: I have to ask. Did you see my...
Olivia: I don't want to talk about it.
Ravi: I'll take that as a yes.

[Ravi arrives home only to find his home and Steph in a British setting]
Steph: 'Hello, Governor! Mind the gap.' Is the accent too much?
Ravi: [Ravi nervously laughs] This... This looked like it took a lot of work.

[Ravi and Liv follow the new lead of magicians Smoak and Meers]
Ravi: Hashtag, 'I think we have a new lead.'
Olivia: Don't do that.

[Liv prepares to eat the brains of Taylor Fowler]
Olivia: I've never had a lady-who-lunches for lunch.
[the scene cuts to the scenes of Liv slicing Taylor's brain, a tomato, opening a can of tuna, biting into her tuna salad]
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: She looks as tasty as she was tasteful.
[Ravi eats a handful of cheerios from a jar]

[Liv swears to never have interpersonal relationships again]
Olivia: Until I'm human again no more interpersonal relationships. I am all business. I'm one of the Riders of the apocalypse, leaving pestilence and misery in my wake.
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: I take it drinks with the new roommate didn't go well.

[Clive tells Liv and Ravi that Regina Summer was a badge bunny]
Clive: She was a badge bunny.
Olivia: A what?
Clive: A badge bunny. A woman who sleeps with cops. Something about the badge turns them on.
Ravi: [Ravi whispers to himself] I have a badge.

[Liv on erotica-librarian-brain slaps Ravi in the butt at work]
Olivia: I've been a bad morgue attendant. I'll understand if there are punitive measures.
Ravi: Liv, did you eat a librarian from a porno?

[Liv on the set of Zombie High recalls some of the show's scenes]
Olivia: [Liv gasps in the school hallway] Oh, my God. That's where Burdick defied principle Henson and went out looking for more ammo.
Olivia: [Liv gasps] And this is the drinking fountain where Burdick first got the news that his foster brother was his actual brother.
Ravi: [Ravi gasps when he see's the actual dead Burdick] And that's where Burdick died.

[Liv, Clive, and Ravi go over Syd Wicked's crime scene]
Olivia: What kind of name is Syd Wicked?
Clive: Stage name. He's a magician. You don't dress like that unless you do magic or you hate your parents. Apparently there's some big magician convention happening at this hotel all week.
Ravi: Of course! PrestoFest. How did I miss that. I'm on the mailing list.

Olivia: Logic dictates, if you withhold data, you have reason to hide it. "
Ravi: Data," what... You mean her statement?
Olivia: It's all data, Ravi,
[Thinks]
Olivia: I mean, you could design a system, you'd have a mechanism to gather crime data. Physical evidence, testimony, relationships, motive. A smart algorithm analyzes. And voilà.
Ravi: Congratulations. You just invented the police.

[Peyton and Ravi drink one last night together and talk about zombies]
Peyton: Look, I know one thing. If I ever was turned into a zombie, my first order of business would be to scratch you. I'd be like, 'Oh, man! I'm a zombie.' Scratch!
Ravi: Seems a little self-serving, but okay.
Peyton: No way am I doing this whole zombie thing without you.

Olivia: I slept with Chase Graves. I was on Katty's brain. The woman wasn't choosey about her lovers.
Ravi: Thanks.

Angus: Blessed is he with a white streak. You must visit our church and be baptized. For we who taste, can see.
[Looks at Clive]
Angus: You people wouldn't understand.
Ravi: He did not just say that.

[Liv hums 'The Blue Danube' song while working on a dead body next to Ravi]
Ravi: [as Liv hums] Did you and Major have sex?
Olivia: Whoa. Aren't Brits supposed to be repressed? What would Judi Dench say?
Ravi: She'd say we don't know a lot about the sexual transmission of zombie-ism.

[Ravi watches erotica-brain Liv leave the morgue]
Ravi: Go forth and direct your lust elsewhere.

[Liv sees Ravi hungover again from drinking late with Peyton]
Olivia: Is your breakfast not using its indoor voice?
Ravi: [Ravi stares into his Rice Krispies cereal bowl] Snap, crackle, pop. So loud.
Olivia: Drinking on a school night again with Peyton. You're a disgrace to your country's proud history of functional lushes.

Olivia: I see it's your time of the month.
Ravi: It's obvious?
Olivia: You're wearing that stocking cap indoors. Plus, zombies have this stench to them.
Ravi: I've never noticed.
Olivia: It's true. They smell. They're disgusting.

Olivia: This floor is made for batucadas.
Ravi: Actually, it was made for draining blood and embalming fluid, but that twisty, spinning bit was delightful.

Ravi: [Trying to call for help] Be home, Liv. Okay. Two-one-three-five... Or maybe it's three-seven. Eight-six-seven-five... Oh, bloody hell!
Don: You can't remember any numbers, huh? That's modern living for you.

[Liv asks Ravi if he heard what the last words of Leslie Morgan were while at the coffee shop]
Olivia: Did you happen to catch her last words?
Ravi: 'I'll get the pooper-scooper!' Then, ker-splat.

[Ravi reveals to Clive and Liv the piece of rotting fish he found with Syd's dead body]
Ravi: So, I took a gander around the room, and found this in the wastebasket, with this lovely note attached. 'Welcome to PrestoFest.' 'Here's a gift from your fellow magicians.' So I thinks to myself, 'Hmm. Okay. Kind of boilerplate stuff.' Maybe they thought the summer sausage would make up for the stock sentiments. But wait, there's more.
Clive: We're all hoping.
Olivia: [Ravi reveals the old piece of meat] Ugh!
Ravi: [as Ravi concludes on reading the note] 'Enjoy the decay!'

[Major and Ravi see New Hope the test rat subject dead in its cage]
Major: It's not like whatever happens to this rat happens to me.
Ravi: Oh! Hey! Maybe he's grown wings and like super powerful...
Ravi: [when both Major and Ravi find New Hope dead] Balls.

Ravi: I've got some good news for you. I can make you human.
Olivia: Are you serious?
Ravi: 100% serious... 80% certain it will work.

Olivia: It gets worse. Detective Cavanaugh is on the case.
Ravi: Detective Cavanaugh? That weasel-faced kiss-ass? He'd waterboard his own mom if it meant making lieutenant.
Detective: [Enters] To make lieutenant?C'mon. I'm not a monster. Now, for captain's bars? I'd go full Gitmo on the old biddy.

Major: You need a favor.
Ravi: It's just that there's... There's a thing that I thought we could do together. Might be a fun change of pace for both of us.
Major: What? Like bowling?
Ravi: Yeah, no. More of a... "Locate some kidnapped teens" kind of thing.

[Liv changes her hair to go undercover at Max Rager]
Ravi: What does it mean that I find your new look weird and creepy?
Olivia: It means that you spend too much time with the dead.

[Ravi asks how Peyton feels after losing her case to Mr. Boss]
Ravi: How are you feeling?
Peyton: Like I let an entire city full of people down. I was contemplating going door to door handing out 'sorry I suck so bad' gift baskets.

Clive: [Major is trying to choose between brains] You should eat the daughter. Words I never thought I'd hear myself say.
Ravi: The new normal.
Clive: God, I hope not

[Ravi tells social-media-brain Liv that he did some research on Madison Brenneck]
Ravi: It turns out our Madison was quite the millennial social media maven. Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr. She had over 600 Yelp reviews. The day she died, she tweeted 27 times.
Ravi: [when Ravi notices Liv not paying attention by tweeting] Liv. Liv.
Olivia: 'Devoured tuna roll.' Hashtag 'Sushi obsessed.' Hashtag 'Covering my ass.'

[Ravi tells Blaine the full story about how he's a murderer]
Ravi: And that about covers it. Oh. You also murdered the fourth man to walk on the moon. One assumes, his brain fetched a tidy sum. And you picked a fight with me once. Don't worry about it, though. I won.
Blaine: None of this makes sense, man.
Ravi: I don't know, I'm scrappy. I've got reach.

Ravi: Dungeons & Dragons. The granddaddy of all fantasy role-playing games.
Clive: So, the victim has kids?
Ravi: ...Adults play it, too.

[Blaine pays a visit to Ravi to pick up the zombie cure]
Blaine: [singing the Cure] I don't care if Monday's blue / Tuesday's gray and Wednesday too / Thursday I don't care about you / It's Friday I'm in love
Ravi: To what do I owe the pleasure?
Blaine: Come on. The Cure? I don't know why I bother.
Ravi: The cure won't be ready for a while, yet.

[Liv asks both Clive and Ravi out for drinks and a bite to eat]
Olivia: Hey, later-later, like Friday, I was thinking we could all grab a drink after work, maybe get a bite to eat? I mean, if you guys are free. It's just been a while since we got together.
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: Friday's tricky, yeah. I've been seeing Stephanie. You know, the girl I met at the club. Been seeing a lot of her, actually. She's trying to get Friday night off work so she can fix me a home-cooked meal. Turns out, right, she's got this whole Martha Stewart side to her. Which combined with her raw honesty and lack of intellectual pretense giving me a sense of emotional intimacy I've not felt in a long time, you know?
Clive: [Liv quietly stares at Clive who answers] Can't, busy.

Rachel: Your roommate is the Chaos Killer? I need to get out of here.
Ravi: Um, um... Rachel!
[She runs out]
Major: ...Chaos *Kidnapper*, if you must know.

Ravi: What's this Osborne Oates do anyway?
Major: He's in the diamond biz.
Ravi: Ah. A Bond villain.

Don: Sergeant Hoyt Carroll! Serial number 58079086. You'll get nothing from me, you dirty krauts.
[the Truthers chuckle]
Don: You weren't laughing after big week, were you, Fritz? Our mustangs blasting your stukas outta the sky!
Harley: ...What the hell, Doc? Why is he acting like he's on Hogan's Heroes?
Ravi: I have no idea.
Bo: You think this thing's been around since World War? Maybe zombies live forever. Like vampires.

Olivia: The only way the killer gets in is through that door. I'm a zombie, and Ravi is heavily-armed.
Ravi: With... With this.
[Pulls out gun]
Ravi: Which I've never used before.

[Ravi finds out just how bad Major is at scoring drugs]
Major: I was wrong about the bathroom being the place to score drugs. There's uh, definitely transactions going on in there, but not the kind we're looking for. How are you holding up?
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: Everyone looks like a drug dealer in this lighting. I have to say, I'm disappointed, I thought you'd be better at this.
Major: Because everything about me says I'd be awesome at scoring drugs?
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: You bought a grenade out of the trunk of a car. How can you not figure out how to buy drugs at a nightclub?
Major: It's a different skill set. If you want a bazooka, I can get you a bazooka in fifteen minutes, at cost.

Ravi: It's just Peyton. She's just a little bit...
Olivia: Underwhelmed in the sack?
Ravi: What? Did she say something?
Olivia: You're probably overdoing it. It's a common mistake for young men. It's simpler than you think. You know, four hours before sex, you just take an ice bath, eat three Brazil nuts...
Ravi: Okay, thank you.
Olivia: ...a spoon of fermented trout butter, and then, during the jam sesh, you just, sort of, soak. You know, think of it as a hot tub. Not a lap pool. And focus on the eyes.
Ravi: ...I was gonna say she's a bit overwhelmed at work.

[Ravi tells Liv she's a zombie on stalker brain]
Ravi: 'Hell hath have no fury like a zombie on stalker brain thinking she's been scorned.'

Clive: Dr. C, mind if I take your assistant on a field trip?
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: I'd sign her permission slip, but my hands are covered in viscera.
[raises his hands from his autopsy]

[Peyton tells Ravi maybe it's a bad idea she moved in after Ravi tries to kiss her]
Peyton: Aren't you seeing Steph?
Ravi: Well, I, uh, I ended it.
Peyton: Maybe this was a bad idea, moving in.
Ravi: No, no, no, no, no, no, stay. I'm an idiot. Maybe I've been drinking? No, it's just the idiocy.

Ravi: [Watching Clive show off his salsa skills] This might be weird but I think Clive just got me pregnant.
Clive: Let's not joke about that right now.

[Ravi and Liv show up at the crime scene of a man crushed by a failed jack under a car]
Clive: Watch out for the blood.
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: This is why I pay someone to fix my car.

Clive: Zen Guru beaten to death with a Buddha statue, feels personal.
Ravi: Or a tragic misunderstanding of "Open your Mind".

Clive: I figured if you're gonna eat a bunch of criminals, you should have some law enforcement with you. And it'll give me one last hurrah with my partner.
Ravi: "S." Partners.

Ravi: I'm not mad. In an apocalypse, it'd give me solace knowing you're safe in Cornell's bunker. While I battle motorcycle cannibals.

[Liv tells Ravi that she beat up one of Mr. Boss's men while looking for Drake]
Olivia: I just beat the snot out of one of his goons trying to get answers, but he didn't know anything.
Ravi: You did what?
Olivia: He started it. He... He tried to manhandle me.
Ravi: So you went Jack Bauer on him? Are you mental?
Olivia: Okay, I might need to get off stripper brain.

[Ravi breaks down the crime scene of the stripper Cassidy Kozlowski]
Ravi: [Ravi picks up one high heel] Bad news. One of our eye witnesses is dead...
Ravi: [Ravi picks up the other high heel] ... And the other is not talking.

Olivia: A zombie crashing a zombie haters club meeting. It's like the coolest dare imaginable. We could even do accents. You be American and I'll be Brit!
[Puts on a terrible cockney accent]
Olivia: Mind the gap, you dumb squib! I cocked up that giddy kipper. Now I'm all collywobbles.
Ravi: [Terrible American accent] And I only speak one language and I wear white socks! USA! USA!
Olivia: I think we need to practice.

[Liv scrambles eggs, slices open a brain, fries it, to fold it in-between an egg omelet]
Olivia: [Liv talks with her mouth full] Mmm. Oh, my God.
Ravi: Nothing more primal than a zombie craving brains.

[Ravi checks over Blaine's memory loss and gives him a professional diagnosis]
Ravi: I'm not seeing any post-concussion red flags. But if your memory loss persists, you should get an MRI, or a CT scan. Maybe a PET scan. Anything with an acronym, really, just as long as it tests brain function.

[Liv wonders what a night watchmen's brain will show her]
Olivia: Night watchmen brain. Wonder what fresh hell this is going to be.
Ravi: In cricket, a night watchmen is a low-order batsman moved up in an effort to maintain the strike till the end...
Ravi: [Liv turns on the bone saw] Funny girl.

Ravi: The report was for a dealer from Mr. Boss's crew, busted a day after the boat party with Utopium in his possession. Possibly cooked by Beanpole himself.
Olivia: [On pageant girl brain] That's great. I think drugs is one of the biggest issues facing young people today. Or any people.
Ravi: It's true. Albeit unrelated. The best part is, the dealer made bail then vanished. Likely meaning Mr. Boss had him murdered.
Olivia: Oh. Well, um, murder is almost always bad. But, uh... I don't know.

Olivia: [Clive and Ravi are trying to convince her to eat the brain Ravi has been experimenting on] I'm not putting that in my mouth.
Ravi: The memory restoration serum had no effect on Blaine.
Olivia: Blaine's human, I'm not. But that's not my problem.
Ravi: It's the color, right? Blue isn't appetizing.

[Ravi finds Major in the kitchen after arriving home]
Ravi: Hey. Good night of making rich white people less fat?
Major: Yeah. It's God's work what I do.

Clive: I'm not gonna be able to sleep until I've got that vaccine coursing through my veins.
Ravi: Hmm. Insomnia is actually one of the earliest symptoms of Aleutian flu.

Peyton: If it doesn't work, they'll come after you.
Ravi: Yeah. Well...
Peyton: I love you.
Ravi: I know.
Peyton: Oh, no, you didn't.
Ravi: I'm kidding, I love you, too. I love you mucho... I... I love you mucho grande. I love you like gangbusters. To infinity and beyond... I was doing Han Solo, I thought it would be charming.
Peyton: It was a little charming. I mean, I like the groveling afterwards better.

[Ravi tells Liv and Major that sex with a zombie will turn you into a zombie]
Ravi: Zombie virus is a hundredth the size of a typical virus. I tested every brand of condom, every material. 102 samples. Zombie virus went through all of them. If you have sex, Major will become a zombie. That is not a risk, that's a certainty. Look, someday I'll cure it. I will. But until then, I'm sorry.

Ravi: Clive should be himself, only fun and less tightly-wound.
[Clive stares grumpily]
Ravi: Clive should be another person. A better person.
Clive: Just give me the hat, Liv.
[Puts on fedora, wanders off]
Ravi: I was hoping for a Frosty the Snowman moment. And the instant we gave him the hat, he would become full of life. He'd have swagger. He'd be crackling with sexual magnetism.
Olivia: What kind of perverse version of Frosty the Snowman did they show kids in England?

[Blaine and Ravi sit outside Mr. Boss's place]
Blaine: I'm scouting around back to see if there's a better plan of attack.
Ravi: You won't go in without me, right?
Blaine: I'm considering using you for a human shield.

Olivia: I can't find a body for this leg.
Ravi: It's like the most horrible jigsaw puzzle ever.

Angus: [On video] The cure, the cure for what exactly? For domination? For immortality? For basking in the warmth and the loving gaze of a vigilant god? She must be cleansed of this Earth.
Clive: You notice anything?
Ravi: That he somehow got 10,000 views even though he's super old.

Olivia: Are you thinking what I am thinking?
Ravi: [Stretching] Are you thinking about searing groin pain?

[Ravi gets home from his nightly digging]
Ravi: Minor, guess who found some bones!

[Ravi calmly lectures Liv about her pranks on him while he was asleep, putting make-up on his face and writing 'fart' on his forehead]
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: [Liv smiles the whole time] I know you can't fully control your actions when you're on a brain. But I really need you to try and rein in the bro. We would be in serious trouble if someone came in and saw how you arranged the medical skeletons.
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi holds his hands up to his face] And this, this is unacceptable. What if someone came in to identify their loved one and the medical examiner had 'fart' written on his forehead?
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: [Liv chuckles] It isn't funny.
Olivia: It's pretty funny.
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: It really isn't.
Olivia: It kinda is.

[Liv sees zombie Major for the first time while he's on Leslie Morgan-Positivity brain]
Major: [Major singing in the morgue] Oh, what a beautiful morning / Oh, what a beautiful day.
Ravi: We're inside.
Major: [Major smiling] Well, that is where the warmest rays of light come from, inside.

Peyton: So, we can go and find Castle What's-His-Nuts, fight that thing, come back and we'll get rewarded by this little old lady.
[Looks at Liv]
Peyton: Or we could just tie up this little old lady, and take what we want now.
Olivia: Georgie begins to mutter an incantation. Electricity fires from her hands and strikes Brangelina.
Ravi: I try to dive in front of the lightning bolt. "Not on this day, Ms. Fogglebottom!"
Olivia: The lightning bolt has already struck Brangelina. And Mosco lands on the ground in front of her, looking foolish.

[Liv asks Major and Ravi if they've ever wrestled]
Olivia: Have you guys ever wrestled? Stripped down, oiled up, seen who winds up on top?
Major: [both guys hesitate] Have we?
Ravi: Strangely enough, no.
Major: [Major looks back to Liv] Night's young.

Ravi: So what if he doesn't have an alibi? I don't have an alibi for her murder, either.
[sighs]
Ravi: No. Wait. I do have an alibi. Witnesses, too. Airtight, really.

[Liv asks Ravi how the safe sex research for zombies is going]
Olivia: I've got that lucky feeling tonight, Doc. Give me some good news on the safe sex research.
Ravi: Oh, nothing certain yet, though I have proven that when you purchase boxes of every brand of condom available at once, the lady at the drugstore counter looks at you funny.

[Ravi tells Liv that he made clones of the test subject rat New Hope]
Olivia: What am I looking at, Ravi?
Ravi: Matricide. These six young zombie rats are clones of New Hope. The remains you see here are those of the mother that gave birth to them. Apparently, the little clones decided it was time to switch from mother's milk to brains.
Olivia: Why the clones?
Ravi: When we find the tainted Utopium, I'd prefer to test on rats, normal and zombie, rather than humans. New Hope, like Blaine and Major, became a zombie and was given the cure. Her clone should give us the most accurate picture of what Blaine and Major can expect. I'd hate to lose a perfectly good zombie rat.

Ravi: So, I've got some weird news.
Olivia: Oh, you and Peyton tried the soak-and-stare technique.
Ravi: Uh, no.

Ravi: It's the missing Freylich kids. I found someone who might lead us to someone who just might know where they might be... If we're lucky.
Major: Sounds rock solid.

[Blaine and Ravi arm themselves with weapons to save Peyton]
Blaine: If I go out, it's going to be in a blaze of glory, not by friendly fire.
Ravi: [Ravi talks serious with Blaine] So you know, I'm squad leader on my Call of Duty World League Challenge Division team. I know what I'm doing.

[Liv finds Ravi in the morgue watching Zombie High]
Olivia: I thought you hated the show.
Ravi: [Ravi rolls his eyes] I did. But it's like mental pork rinds. I can't stop!

[Clive walks into the morgue and sees a balloon animal on the table]
Clive: Is that a balloon animal?
Ravi: [Ravi smiles] Ah, yeah, clown college. Uh, I'm available for parties.

[Ravi talks to Liv through the prison visiting glass]
Ravi: We get eight more minutes. So, what do you want to talk about? Oh, what's the best American album of all time? I say, it's Pet Sounds by the Beach Boys.
Olivia: Can we just sit here? Eight minutes of silence is just what the doctor ordered.

[Liv and Ravi show Jordan Marsh's pierced penis to Clive at the morgue]
Olivia: Well, there it is. Some of the most famous junk in America.
Clive: Cover it. Cover it. Who gets pierced there? Why?
Ravi: It's called a Prince Albert. I wonder how you get it through airport security?

[Liv and Ravi begin to work on a dead body in the morgue]
Olivia: What's that Missy Elliot song, 'Cerebellum, don't fail me now'?
Ravi: I don't think that's how it goes.

Ravi: [Wearing Garrett's armor] I know this sounds like some kind of role-play come-on, um, but I literally can't figure out how to take this off.

[Ravi and Liv arrive to the Karma Cleaners & Alterations shop]
Ravi: All right, what's the plan?
Olivia: We'll wing it. You ready to do this?
Ravi: Yes, and...
Olivia: And what?
Ravi: 'Yes, and... ' It's the first rule of improv? It's what keeps the scene moving forward.
Olivia: Try not to talk. You willing to hold my hand?
Ravi: [Ravi smiles while holding Liv's hand] Yes. And...

Ravi: She was conked in the head, then wrapped up. Sometime around 1:00 a.m.
Clive: Conked with what?
Ravi: Based on the bruise, something about the width of a French bread.
Clive: We don't need to have a motif here.
Ravi: You asked.

Ravi: What's that look?
Olivia: I'm hatching a scheme.
Ravi: I'm not in the mood, Liv.
Olivia: I didn't ask, 'cause guess what? I know how to heal your chakra, Barti. 'We're gonna solve the case.
Ravi: First of all, there'll be no further wordplay with my name.

[Ravi tells social-media-brain Liv to be careful on social media]
Ravi: You need to be careful not to overshare on social media. Anything zombie-related is TMI.
Olivia: Don't worry. I'm on my chill hustle hundo-p.
Ravi: My annoying millennial speak knowledge ended with TMI, so I have no idea what you just said.

[Ravi gives Blaine the untested zombie cure]
Ravi: This is an in-case-of-an-emergency break-glass potential cure. Cured the zombie rat, who remains, for the moment, alive. But we have no idea of its long-term effects.
Blaine: Like life itself.
Ravi: I am only giving this untested version to you because of the potential of your death leaving Seattle zombies unfed.
Blaine: So it's not the love that dare not speak its name brewing between us?

[Major tries to rush Ravi for the zombie cure]
Major: Now, imagine how put out the guy who invented the polio vaccine must've been. You know, what with all the impatient children dying of polio stacking up.
Ravi: Jonas Salk is the man's name. Perhaps if he'd score a touchback for the Huskers.
Major: Or a touchdown for the Huskies.

Ravi: [after Isobel's date with a Zombie High actor] So how was it?
Isobel: Perfection.
Ravi: Well, that's nice to...
Isobel: And I checked off a lot of stuff from my bucket list.
Ravi: [Suspicious] Like what?
Isobel: You know.
Ravi: You're joking.
Isobel: Ravi. Of course, I am.
[Ravi sighs in relief]
Isobel: Or am I?
Ravi: Are you?
Isobel: I am.
Ravi: Good.
Isobel: Or am I?

[Liv examines Leslie Morgan's brain and finds a piece of concrete in it]
Olivia: [Liv holds up a piece of Leslie's brain] You missed a piece of sidewalk.
Ravi: Fiber.

[Ravi and Liv ask Clive how Regina Summer got a hold of his gun]
Ravi: How'd she get your gun?
Clive: Stolen from my place the night before her murder.
Olivia: She wanted to have something you touched against her skin.
Clive: Whose side are you on?

Don: You don't look happy to see me.
Ravi: I prefer non-alive guests here to remain quietly on their shelves.

Ravi: Cars can be possessed. Herbie for example.
Olivia: Herbie wasn't possessed. You're thinking of Christine.
[Emotional]
Olivia: Herbie wasn't evil, he was the Love Bug.

[Ravi walks with Liv to a crime scene while hungover from his night with Peyton]
Ravi: The violent soundscape of nature is making my ears bleed. Birds chirping, leaves rustling, gnats laying eggs.
Olivia: Never start a land war in Asia. Don't go toe-to-toe with Peyton Charles when drinking is involved.

[Liv cooks an Asian plate of noodles with Bailey Barker's brains]
Ravi: Mmm, that smells familiar. Like something I had from Taiwan from a street car in the capital city.
Olivia: Taipei.
Ravi: Ooh, look at you, always with the answers.

Olivia: First thing I do when I'm human? Geez, I don't even know.
Ravi: Don't say ice cream, I had to watch Major slobber up gallons of it and it ruined ice cream.

[Ravi talks to Liv about dumping Janko's body in the bay]
Olivia: You saved both of our lives.
Ravi: Maybe we don't report it. And we, uh... We, we smuggle the body out, and dump it in the bay.
Olivia: Is that what you do? Dump it in the bay by the cover of darkness?
Ravi: Wait. No... Right. I'll just turn myself in.

Dale: Just wondering if you had any new information on my John Doe.
Ravi: Yeah. He was murdered.

[Ravi gets too tipsy to stay up with Peyton at night]
Peyton: No, no. Don't go.
Ravi: I must. I know how this turns out. It's like the shots contest in Raiders of the Lost Ark. You're Karen Allen, and I'm the fat Nepalese guy that ends up under the table.

[first lines]
Major: [Major and Ravi dig in the open field in search of the Utopium on the dead body] Ravi! Ravi!
Major: [Ravi takes his headphones off] We did it! There he is! Zombie cure, here we come!
Ravi: It isn't one of our guys. Ours has been dead for nearly two years. This one's only a couple of months gone.
Major: Then who is this?

[Clive learns that zombies are stored in a secret lab at Max Rager]
Clive: I'm still processing zombies, and now you're giving me secret labs? Are all the zombies being dangled over a shark tank?
Ravi: It's a good deal to digest.

Olivia: You each start the campaign with this many gold pieces.
Ravi: [Rolls dice] Twenty-seven gold pieces.
Clive: I buy a small farm, retire from adventuring.

[Ravi tells Clive about the poison hemlock]
Clive: What do we know about hemlock?
Ravi: Well, I believe it was Socrates who said of hemlock, 'I drank what?'

Ravi: The formula is in a vault that only Dr. Saxon has access to. To even get into that room, you have to pass through a series of security checks. The first is a keycard which can't be copied, and if it's lost the entire system will be reset. His photo comes up on a security cam. This only gets him into the outer room. Next, he has to pass more security cameras to get to the second of three checkpoints, where he has to pass a retinal scan. And this leads him to a vault that only Saxon can access. We have no way of knowing how he accesses it. We suspect it's by DNA, possibly from saliva, could be from blood. If any one of these systems is set off, it will activate a lockdown.
Major: Quick question. Is any of that true or are you just doing the Tom Cruise monologue from Mission Impossible one for your own amusement?
Ravi: ...Both.

Ravi: The memory loss won't be instant. It'll feel like a slow fade. With Blaine, it took a couple of days.
Major: Got it.
Ravi: You know, I had this whole speech planned. It was funny and heartfelt, profound. But it feels like a waste if you're just gonna forget it anyway. Let's just agree it was brilliant.

Clive: [Reading Liv's personal ad] "I wanna spend the rest of my life decomposing with you."
Olivia: What? What? It's zombie romance.
Clive: No.
Clive: No, no, no, no. It's desperate.
Ravi: It's what someone would point to if you decapitated a stranger at the back of a bus and they were looking for warning signs.

Ravi: [Going through Frank Chisel's closet] Oh, a trench coat for every day of the week. Got to admire his commitment.

Pretty: So, what's the craziest thing you've ever seen on the job?
Ravi: Oh, Clive. You gotta tell this one. You're the raconteur.
Clive: Oh, um... Well, probably the middle-aged mom who was smashed by a falling AC unit. Brains and guts everywhere. Children walking by splattered with blood.

[Ravi gets Major to admit that he's the Chaos Killer]
Ravi: You're the Chaos Killer?
Major: Technically, I'm the 'Chaos Kidnapper.' No one is dead, they're frozen.
Ravi: In preparation for their long-haul interstellar journey?

[Liv changes her clothes to go undercover at Max Rager]
Olivia: It's so they don't recognize me at Max Rager.
Ravi: Well, for the degree I've been creeped out by this, the clues you find by this better be Earth shattering.
Olivia: I almost forgot. For that professional look.
Ravi: [Liv puts on a pair of glasses] Literally the stuff of nightmares.

[Ravi tells Darcy what the millennium falcon is]
Ravi: Bonjour, Darcy I've been at the lab all day, so I didn't really get a chance to primp. So, apologies if my hair looks like I've been driving with my head outside the window of the millennium falcon.
Darcy: Is that the new ford? The one for millennials?
Ravi: [Ravi chuckles] Ford. Well played. Wait, what?
Darcy: Hmm?
Ravi: Hmm? The millennium falcon. A modified yt-1300 light freighter? Piloted by Han Solo? Played by Harrison Ford in Star Wars.
Darcy: Oh, Star Wars. Right.
Ravi: [Ravi smiles] Yeah.
Darcy: I've never seen it.
[when Ravi loses all expression in his face]

Ravi: Charlie just asked for help getting her sister Laila a message?
Laila: And yet, she's the smart one. The one that doesn't realize saying "twin" is the same as saying "sister," but with more information.
Ravi: Unless the twin is a brother.

[Peyton arrives at Ravi's house for a sleepover]
Ravi: [when Peyton apologizes] Don't be sorry, we love having you here. Although, you do have a habit of picking the marshmallows out of my cereal, leaving me with a less-than-ideal ratio of marshmallow to crunchy bits, but, you know, I'll let that slide...
Ravi: [when Ravi sees that Peyton's been crying] Oh, no, Peyton. What is it?
Peyton: I screwed up at work.
Ravi: Can I do anything? I mean, because if you want me to pick every last marshmallow bear out of that box for you... I'll do it.

Major: What'd you see?
Ravi: Were you losing your virginity to Howard Hughes?
Olivia: I believe I'll be saving that information for my driver.
Ravi: Liv, Clive isn't your driv...
[Liv walks off]

Ravi: We're calling the prison bus murders "Satan's Jigsaw Puzzle".
Olivia: We started with the face pieces and are working our way out.

[Ravi asks Liv why she's on the Seattle PD database]
Ravi: What are you doing on the Seattle PD database?
Olivia: Looking for background info on Drake. I feel like he might be hiding something. What kind of person doesn't use Twitter or Facebook?
Ravi: Only a lunatic. How else would he disseminate inspirational quotes and latte art?

[Ravi continues to try and think of a superhero name for Liv]
Ravi: What do you think about calling yourself 'Doctor Power'? 'Dead Power'? 'Doctor Dead'? How about 'Snow Woman'? Because you're ice-cold, right? Potentially deadly and...
Olivia: A woman, clever.

[Major tells Ravi how he was approached by the Max Rager corporation]
Major: Max Rager knows about zombies. And they know that they are, at least, partly to blame for them. They want to get rid of the evidence. They identify potential zombies through purchases. Okay, so, hot sauce, tanning, hair dye. But there are hundreds of names. They learned that I can detect zombies. So now they have me going down the list taking out anyone who sets off my zombie sense.
Ravi: Did you consider turning down their offer?
Major: They said they'd murder everyone on the list starting with Liv.
Ravi: I see. That's a tough first offer.

Peyton: You've been on a junkie brain.
Ravi: Mmm-hmm.
Peyton: Where does one hide drug paraphernalia?
Ravi: Uh, nooks, holes, things of that nature. Or a hollowed-out book, a la Shawshank.

Olivia: Think I'm gonna go catch that D I was talking about.
Ravi: I think I'm gonna go home and make love to my girlfriend.
Olivia: Don't be gross.

[Ravi reminds Major that science is a marathon]
Ravi: Science is a marathon, not a sprint.

[Ravi catches Liv posting a picture of Madison Brenneck's brain on Instagram]
Ravi: [Ravi clears his throat] Did you post a picture of what I assume is Madison Brenneck wrapped in sushi rice on your Instagram account? Hashtag 'brain food'?
Olivia: 'Course I grammed it, that fish was on fleek. Oh, my God. Why did I post that?
Ravi: Why does anyone post pictures of food? I think it's okay. It just looks like raw tuna.

Major: How long do I have?
Ravi: Weeks. Maybe. Then you'll have to take the cure, memory loss and all.
Olivia: [On Zen brain] Identity's just a hallucination of the unenlightened mind anyway.

Ravi: Time-travel murder! Perhaps the impaled knight stepped out of the TARDIS seconds before his death.
Clive: What the hell's a TARDIS?
Olivia: Something nerdy.

Olivia: [watching Clive trying to pick up women] Oh, code red. The herd has arrived.
[Clive shows the woman his phone]
Olivia: That better be a photo of his penis.
Ravi: And it looks like she's crying.
Olivia: Okay, it probably is his penis.

[Ravi arrives home calling out for Major]
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: [a dog greets Ravi at the front door] Hello there, boy. Uh... When did we get a...
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: [as Peyton and Major step our from around the corner] Peyton.

[Ravi tells both Liv and Peyton that Major didn't kill Liv's boyfriend Drake]
Olivia: So, these victims aren't even dead? Major didn't kill them?
Peyton: And he did all this to protect Liv?
Ravi: Yeah.
Olivia: So Drake is still alive?
Ravi: Frozen and, as discussed, a zombie, but yes...

Ravi: [Tastes a blood-looking substance at crime scene] It's corn syrup.
Olivia: Nice work, Ravi.
Ravi: Thank you.
Olivia: ...You just ate 57 empty calories.

[Ravi tells Major and Liv that the two of them get to have zombie sex now that there's no cure]
Ravi: Silver lining... You know, you two finally get to have hot zombie sex. Right? Room temperature zombie sex?
Major: Yeah, about that...
Olivia: We broke up.
Ravi: [Major mouths to Ravi that Liv broke up with him] Ah. Right.

[Liv tells Ravi that the vigilante The Fog is a grown man in tights]
Ravi: The Fog certainly took some licks for the greater good.
Olivia: Ravi, the most this guy ever did was momentarily distract criminals, who were shocked to see a grown man in tights.

Ravi: The loveliest trick of the devil is to persuade you he doesn't exist.

Clive: What can you tell me about STD 36?
Ravi: Nothing. But only because STD number one taught me some hard lessons.

[Ravi records into his phone the effects of the Utopium drugs he's on while in the rave club]
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: [Major watches] I feel amazing. I'm so present, so in my body, but I'm also floating. Like watching the experience be experienced. Like I literally don't have a care in the world! I'm just floating on goodness. When did everything get so beautiful?

Ravi: I need another minute for the toxicology report. Liv changed our filing system. The deceased are now arranged by hotness quotient.

Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: The detective on his case needed me to open him back up. Guess what he was missing?
Liv: A strong male role model?
Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti: And a half-pound of brain.

Ravi: Oh, no. It's the crap episode of Zombie High where it's clear, the show ran out of money, so everything cool happens off-screen and the characters just talk about it afterwards.

Ravi: Look at us! Working together to solve mysteries. We should get a van and a dog.