The Best Susan Murphy Quotes

Susan: Oh, thank goodness. A real person. You are a real person, right? Not one of those half person, half machine, whatever you call those things?
General W.R. Monger: A cyborg?
Susan: Oh, no! You're a cyborg!

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: They called me crazy, but I'll show them. I'll show them all! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Susan: Doctor, I'd prefer you didn't do your mad scientist laugh while I'm hooked up to this machine.
[Insectosaurus roars]
The: You're right, Insecto. You've been letting that quack experiment on you for over a month.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: I'm not a quack, I'm a mad scientist. There's a difference.
Susan: Guys, what choice do I have? If he can make me normal, or even six-foot-eight, I can get out of here, get back to the life I'm supposed to have. I mean, I should be in...
The: Let me guess, Fresno?
Susan: Well, Fresno is just a stepping stone. Next stop, Milwaukee, and then New York and then some day hopefully...
The: Yeah, we know. Paris.
Susan: Throw the switch, Doctor. But-but don't do the laugh.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Now, you're going to feel a slight pinch in the brain. Mwa-ha-ha... Sorry.
[he turns on the machine; Susan is shocked with electricity until she passes out. When she comes to, the others are standing over her]
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Susan! Yoo-hoo!
Susan: Am I small again?
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: I'm afraid not, my dear.
[Susan sits up, her hair standing on end]
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: In fact, you may actually have grown a couple of feet.

Derek: Wow. You're glowing.
Susan: Thank you.
Derek: No. No, Susan, you're, like, really glowing. You're green!

B.O.B.: Goodbye, Derek! Good luck getting over me.
Susan: Uh, B.O.B.? It's me he's never gonna get over.
B.O.B.: Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait, wait, wait. You were dating Derek too? That two-timing jerk!

Susan: But I'm not a monster! I'm just a regular person. I'm not a danger to anyone or anything!
[accidentally hits a helicopter with her hand, causing it to crash]
Helicopter: Don't let her get me!
Susan: Sorry.

Computer: Your busted, tired dance moves are no match for my security protocols.
Susan: We can't hold them off much longer!
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: There's one thing you don't know about me, my dear. My PhD is in... dance!

Susan: It's okay. They're with me. These are my new friends.
B.O.B.: [grabs Susan's mom, Wendy] Oh, Derek! I missed you so much! Thinking that we'd someday be together again. It's the only thing that got me through prison. I love you! I love this man!
[he hugs Wendy so hard he absorbs her into his body]
Susan: No, B.O.B.! That's my mother! You're suffocating her!
[B.O.B spits her out]
Carl: Honey, are you all right?
Wendy: I taste ham.
Susan: Sorry Mom. He's just a hugger.

Susan: Three weeks ago, if you had asked me to defeat a giant alien robot, I would've said "no can do". But I did it! Me! I'm still buzzing, I mean... Did you see how strong I was? There probably isn't a jar in this world I can't open.

Wendy: Susan, where have you been?
Susan: I think I just got hit by a meteorite.
Wendy: Oh, Susan. Every bride feels that way on her wedding day.

Susan: I can't believe it! Soon I'll be back in Derek's arms... or... he'll be in mine.
The: Ahh I can't wait for spring break back at Cocoa Beach just... freakin' everybody out.
B.O.B.: And I'll go back to my lab and finally finish my experiments.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: No no, that's me, B.O.B.
B.O.B.: Then I'll be a really giant lady.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: That's Susan, B.O.B.
B.O.B.: Fine. Then I'll go back to Modesto and be with Derek.
The: Yeah, that's still Susan B.O.B.
B.O.B.: I think I at least deserve a chance to be with Derek!

General W.R. Monger: Woo-whee! Now, that's a robot!
Susan: It's huge.
General W.R. Monger: Try not to damage it too much, monsters. I might want to bring it back to the farm.
Susan: No, no, no, no, wait! You didn't say anything about it being huge!

General W.R. Monger: We, er, had the prison psychologist redecorate your cell, try to keep you all calm like.
[the cell has a small "Hang in there" poster with a kitten on]
Susan: [on the verge of tears] But I don't want a poster. I want a real kitten, hanging from a real tree. I want to go home.
General W.R. Monger: Oh. come on, little Debbie, please don't cry, it makes my knees hurt.

[Susan wakes up on board Gallaxhar's spaceship in a containment cell]
Gallaxhar: [enters on a personal hovercraft] You must be terrified. You wake up in a strange place, wearing strange clothes, imprisoned by a strange being floating on a strange hovering device. Strange, isn't it?
Susan: Hardly. It's not the first time.
Gallaxhar: [deflated] Wow. You really get around.

Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Might we ask for your name, madam?
Susan: Susan.
B.O.B.: No, we mean like your monster name. You know, what do people scream when they see you coming? Like "Look out! Here comes...?"
Susan: Susan.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Really?
B.O.B.: [spookily] SUUUUSSAAANN! Ooh, I just scared myself! That is scary!

The: Anyway, how, er, how was Derek?
[Susan sighs]
Susan: Derek is a selfish jerk.
B.O.B.: No!
Susan: Yes. All that talk about "us" - "I'm so proud of us", "Us just got a job in Fresno". There's no "us". There was only Derek. Why did I have to get hit by a meteor to see that? I'm such an idiot!
[she kicks the roof of the gas station, sending B.O.B. flying]
Susan: Why did I ever think life with Derek would be so great anyway? I mean, look at all the stuff I've done without him. Fighting an alien robot? That was me, not him. And that was amazing! Meeting you guys? Amazing. Dr. Cockroach, you can crawl up walls and build a super-computer out of a pizza box, two cans of hairspray and...
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: And a paper clip.
Susan: Amazing! And you - you hardly need an introduction; you're the Missing Link! You personally carried 250 co-eds off of Cocoa Beach, and still had the strength to fight off the National Guard.
The: And the Coast Guard. And also the Life Guard.
Susan: Amazing!
[B.O.B. lands]
Susan: B.O.B., who else could fall from unimaginable heights and end up without a single scratch?
B.O.B.: Link?
Susan: Y-you.
B.O.B.: Amazing!
[Insectosaurus roars]
The: Good point, Insecto. Susan, don't short-change yourself.
Susan: Oh, I'm not gonna short-change myself.
[stands at full height]
Susan: Ever again!

Susan: [Fighting the robot] B.O.B.!
B.O.B.: What?
Susan: Help me!
B.O.B.: Sorry, I was just staring at this bird over there.

[as Susan is growing, everyone is running away]
Susan: Wait. Wait, everybody. It's OK. Have some champagne while we're figuring this out.