The Best Conrad Vernon Quotes

Gingy: Puss, I think you set the oven too high!
Puss: I am a master of the baking. Watch.
[opens the oven door, fire explodes out and Gingy screams]

Indian: We choose the more pleasant thing!
Ice: Yeah! I mean... What the sausage is saying is just a... a theory!
Frank: No, no, no! It's not a theory, you morons! It's a fact! I'm showing this physical evidence! Open your fucking eyes! Don't be so weak!
Brenda: Oh Frank. What are you doing?
Refried: You, senor, have no bedside manner!
Frank: What? I have bedside manner!
Frozen: You don't respect anyone else's beliefs!
Sauerkraut: You intolerant piece of shit!

Donkey: What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say, "You have the right to remain silent." Nobody said I have the right to remain silent!
Shrek: Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.
Puss: [camera shows just Puss] I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad.
Gingerbread: Shrek? Donkey?
Puss: [looks up to see fairy tale creatures above him] Too late.

The President of the United States: So that's how you want to play it? Eat lead, alien robot!
[Shoots at robot; nothing happens]
The President of the United States: Evidently they eat lead.
Secret: Get him on the chopper!
The President of the United States: I'm brave! I am a brave president!

Gingy: [At Fiona's baby shower, giving her a baby carrier] The baby's gonna love it because I do!

Donkey: Alright people, let's do this thing. Go Team Dynamite!
Pinocchio: But I thought we agreed we'd go by the name Team Super-cool.
Gingerbread: As I recall, it was Team Awesome.
Wolf: I voted for Team Alpha Wolf Squadron.
Donkey: Alright, alright, alright. From henceforth, we're all to be known as Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynamite Wolf Squadron.

Sauerkraut: [sings] We'll exterminate ze juice!

Advisor: We need our top scientific minds on this. Get India on the phone.

Druggie: [drugged, seeing the food alive] Mr. Sausage, when will it end?
Beer: When will it end? When he stops drinking us!
Krinkler's: Yeah!
Cookies: And stops eating us!
Sandwich: Same here!
Pop: Fuck yeah!
Toilet: And when he stops using us!
Krinkler's: What did they do to you?
Toilet: [nervously backs away] You don't wanna fuckin' know!

Artie: If there's something you want to do, or someone you really want to be, then the only one standing in your way... is you.
Rumplestiltskin: Me?
Guard: Get him, lads!

[Harold takes the spell meant for Shrek, and is blasted until only his armour remains]
Princess: Oh, Dad...
Queen: Harold...
Pinocchio: Is he... oh...
[there's a "ribbit"]
Gingerbread: He croaked...
[Harold, the Frog King, clambers out of his armour]
Queen: ...Harold?
Princess: ...Dad?
King: [sighs] I had hoped you would never see me like this...
Donkey: [to Shrek] Huh - and he gave *you* a hard time!
Shrek: Donkey!
King: No, no, he's right - I'm sorry, to both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona, but I can see now she already has it. Shrek, Fiona - will you accept an old frog's apologies, and my blessing?
[Shrek and Fiona bow their heads in assent]
Queen: Harold...
King: I'm sorry, Lillian - I just wish I could be the man that you deserve...
Queen: [taking him in her hand] You're more that man today than you ever were - warts and all...

Shrek: Quick, tell a lie!
Pinocchio: What should I say?
Donkey: Say something crazy, like, "I'm wearing ladies underwear!"
Pinocchio: I'm wearing ladies underwear.
Pinocchio: [silence]
Shrek: Are you?
Pinocchio: I most certainly am not!
Pinocchio: [nose extends]
Donkey: It looks like you most certainly am are!
Pinocchio: I am not!
Pinocchio: [nose extends]
Puss: What kind?
Gingerbread: IT'S A THONG!

Pop: You ready for this?
Geronimints: I don't know.
Pop: It's better to die a free candy than to live in bondage.
[opens a bottle cap]
Geronimints: This is gonna hurt so fucking much.

Lord: [playing with Gingy's legs] Run, run, run as fast as you can / You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!
Gingerbread: You're a monster!
Lord: [tossing legs away] I'm not the monster here, YOU are! You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others?
Gingerbread: Eat me!
[spits in Farquaad's face]
Lord: I've tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll...
[reaches down]
Gingerbread: NO! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
Lord: All right, then! Who's hiding them?
Gingerbread: Okay, I'll tell you... Do you know... the Muffin Man?
Lord: The Muffin Man?
Gingerbread: The Muffin Man.
Lord: Yes, I know the Muffin Man. W-who lives on Drury Lane?
Gingerbread: Well, she's married to the Muffin Man...
Lord: The Muffin Man?
Gingerbread: THE MUFFIN MAN!
Lord: She's married to the Muffin Man...

Gingy: [to Prince Charming] The only thing you're ever gonna be king of, is king of the stupids!

Headless: I've always wanted to play the flute.