The Best Tom Quotes

Tom: Hey, you look great for being pregnant.
Marilyn: I'm not pregnant!

Tom: [singing weakly to his daughter] You want this money, then you gotta be a bad bitch...

Tom: Ever since the divorce it's like my life has no purpose. Half the time, I walk around feeling like a zombie!
C. J.: Yo, don't joke about zombies. That shit there - that's real.
Mahalik: Yo, you know Nashawn, down on 120th Street?
C. J.: Yeah.
Mahalik: She told me that she heard a zombie going through her trash the other day. The next morning, she turned up missing.
Tom: Uh...
C. J.: [C.J. interrupts] What? Okay, back up. How in the hell do you "turn up missing"?
Mahalik: 'Cause nobody knows where you are when they realize you ain't there!
Tom: Guys, I'm trying to ask...
C. J.: [C.J. interrupts again] So you telling me that you can appear and disappear at the same time.
Mahalik: No, man. You can't appear and disappear at the same time. The bitch ain't David Copperfield!
Tom: Uh, guys...
C. J.: [C.J. interrupts yet again] Mmm. No, no. But you can't be gone from one place and show up somewhere else entirely. So when you turn up, you're never missing. And when you're missing, you never turn up.
Mahalik: Unless... you a zombie.
C. J.: Damn! Hey, that's some plausible shit right there. You should blog about that.
Mahalik: I'm gonna put that on MySpace.
C. J.: You do that!

Tom: I'm not a very good father. Just ask my son.
Cindy: I did. What exactly is a "taint-licker"?
Tom: That's not important right now.

Cindy: Last night I saw a face.
Tom: Did it have a nose?
Cindy: Well... yeah.
Tom: That does sound like a face.

[Unrated Version]
Tom: I've never been a good parent. Just ask my son.
Cindy: I did. What exactly is an "cock monger"?
Tom: That's not important right now.

Oliver: We gotta find a way to take out these tripods. I heard that the Japs took out a few of 'em over in Kikkoman.
Tom: Kikkoman. That's- That's a soy sauce.
Oliver: Right, yeah. Low sodium.

Tom: [his car is getting attacked by a mob] Don't worry kids. The doors are locked. There's no possible way they can
[a punch flies through the window and dazes him]
Tom: build the robot out of chocolate. But, that's just common sense. Oh, waiter!

Tom: I've never been a good parent. Just ask my son.
Cindy: I did. What exactly is an "Ass Clown"?
Tom: That's not important right now.

Marilyn: [Tom pulls up in his car] Late again, Tom.
Tom: Hey, Marilyn.
Marilyn: I thought you were moving.
Tom: Oh, it's all I could afford right now. You took everything in the divorce except my name.
Marilyn: No, actually, the judge granted me that yesterday. You're now officially known as "Horace P. MacTitties."

[From Trailer]
Tom: [after hitting Cindy with a baseball] Oh, hey, I'm sorry!
Cindy: Oh, it's okay. I've taken balls to the face before.

Jigsaw: I call it, "the nutcracker".
Tom: Why?

Tom: Its Locked
[Robbie Kicks The Door Down To Get In]

Tom: [after finding Michael Jackson] Run away kids! Run towards the tri-pods if you have to!

Tom: [Puts gun down the back of his pants and it goes off] Ow! My ass.
[Puts gun down the front of his pants and it goes off]
Tom: Penis!

Robbie: Dad, talk to me! What's happening?
Tom: There's no time to explain.
[a man runs past the window, screaming]
'Alien: Alien attack!
Tom: Well, actually, that about sums it up.

Cindy: That last lightning bolt smelled like...
Rachel: ...A giant turd...
Tom: Yeah... the lightning...