The Best Molly Shannon Quotes

Tom: Hey, you look great for being pregnant.
Marilyn: I'm not pregnant!

Brenda: Well, look who it is. I thought I smelled a laughing stock.
Sue: Don't start with me Castle, or I will kick you square in the taco
Brenda: It's a date. That's just a typical night in the Castle condo.

[Val is making obscene positions in the elevator]
Will: Val? What are you doing?
Val: Oh, nothing, just a liitle something to the security camera. A liitle gift for the boys in the basement.
Jack: Shut up, I do the same thing.
Will: I hate to disappoint you both, bu that's not a security camera, that's a smoke detector.

Marilyn: [Tom pulls up in his car] Late again, Tom.
Tom: Hey, Marilyn.
Marilyn: I thought you were moving.
Tom: Oh, it's all I could afford right now. You took everything in the divorce except my name.
Marilyn: No, actually, the judge granted me that yesterday. You're now officially known as "Horace P. MacTitties."

Janet: Dinner is served.
Axl: Whoa! This actually looks good. Where did you order from?
Janet: I made it.
Brick: You made it here? Our kitchen can do this?

Sue: [passing Schue in the hall] Hey, man-whore.
Brenda: Will Schuester?
Will: Yeah.
Brenda: I'm Brenda Castle. I'm the new astronomy teacher and badminton coach. I also happen to be an alcoholic, and... I like pills. I hear that's just your type. Let's go in this classroom and pork!
Will: [pulling away] No.
Principal: I am praying for you, William. We've all heard about your gallivanting!
Will: But nothing happened!
Ken: Maybe that's not what matters, Will. You broke the heart of somebody who doesn't let people get close to her.
Will: I didn't mean to hurt anybody.
Ken: You probably didn't mean to hurt me, either, but lately I've been feeding my feelings to the tune of 6,000 calories a day.
Sue: [passing Will again] Slut.

Brenda: The name is Brenda. Brenda Castle. I just transfered from Fort Wayne. I can't teach in Indiana anymore 'cause I have some "drug problems" that ended up involving some of my "shoot-ins".
[laughing]
Brenda: I saw your video. And you, my friend, are an embarrassment. And that's me talking!

Janet: She's a nightmare. The only break I get is when she holds her breath and passes out.

Kristy: Francine, I heard you bullied your way into the "Parade of Homes". Too bad you can't strong arm your house into looking presentable.
Francine: I think it looks okay.
Kristy: Well, if you think "okay" is good enough then you're as stupid as your house is ugly. Oh, my God, I'm a bitch. Okay, vroom-vroom.
[drives off in her car]