The Best Tommy Quotes

Never: [Walks out of her tepee and stretches] Good morning, boys,
Tommy: Good morning, Never Wears Bra.
Never: I had dream about you last night, White Knife.
Tommy: Oh, that's nice.
Never: Not nice dream. In dream you naughty, you naughty, White Knife.
Frank: Somebody's got an admirer!

Tommy: [Playing baseball] Okay, that's two past ya. So you're done, right?
Abner: No, no, I said three times.
Short: No, you said two.
Abner: I said three! Three strikes and I'm out. I know what I said, shortstop. That's your new name, Short Stop, that's right. Now and forever, forever and ever, Short Stop, Short Stop, Short Stop.
[laughs]

[last lines]
Lil': Dear Mama, so much has changed since my last letter. I scarcely know where to begin. First off, it turns out our daddy is a bad, bad man, and he got thrown in jail. But it's okay, 'cause Screaming Eagle, the Indian chief who raised Tommy, said he'd be all our dads, too. I really like it here in this village. Our new brothers and sisters love to have fun and have been so nice to all of us.
Screaming: These white guys cannot dance!
Lil': Danny don't drink whiskey no more. And Ramon and Herm are trying to learn Indian ways. Oh, and big news. I finally have a girlfriend, and she's much prettier than a canty-loupe.
Tommy: [to Lil Pete & Beaver Breath] Come on you two, you're missing all the fun!
Lil': Anyways, Mama, thanks for raising me. Your loving son, Lil Pete, proud member of the Ridiculous 6.

Ramon: My mother's Swedish.
Tommy: I don't think so. I reckon she's Mexican.
Ramon: Lying bitch!

Tommy: I'm in a bit of a bind, boys. I rode all the way out here to pan for gold and my horse up and died on me.
Rifleman: How'd he die?
Tommy: Suicide. Drowned himself. Put his head in the stream and just kept it there. Saddest thing you ever seen.

Tommy: Any of you handsome brothers ready to go steal a big hunk of gold?
Chico: I'm ready.
Ramon: I'm hungry.
Danny: I'm drunk.
Lil': And I'm Lil Pete.
Herm: [unintelligible]
Tommy: Let's get that nugget then...

[first lines]
Clem: Lookie here. My day is made. I didn't even finish breakfast and I get to kill me a stinkin' Injun.
Tommy: Injun? Nah. I just dress like this so's I don't get scalped out on the prairie.
Clem: Oh, well, that's a convincing outfit. Yeah, you can't be too safe out there... with all of them savages runnin' around. So, what can I do you for?
Tommy: Need some flour. Five sacks. And a carrot with peanut butter on it. Now, what's that gonna run me?
Clem: Well, sack of flour's 45 cents. So, five sacks... is 40...
Tommy: Wanna get back to me on that?
Clem: Yeah, look. Now, the flour's in the basement. You can fetch it yourself.
Tommy: Much obliged.

Tommy: [Running between base plates] Where you going, nobody hit it.
Abner: I stole the base. You weren't looking so I stole it.
Chico: You said you could only advance after you hit the ball!
Abner: Not when you're stealing.
Short: That's bullshit.
Abner: OK, Short Stop.

Ramon: So, do you new brothers have any special skills that could help us out here tonight?
Chico: Like what?
Ramon: Like you know, Tommy's good with knives, Lil Pete's got a bonus nipple, I got a burro, Herm is good at strangling.
Danny: I can hold my breath for six minutes.
Chico: Well, I can play the piano with my dick.
Tommy: Well, we're unstoppable then.