100 Best B.J. Novak Quotes

Ryan: Okay, three reasons you are wrong about True Blood. Number one...
Pam: I'm going into labor.

Michael: [deleted scene] Ah, right here. Three Stooges. High five.
[Michael and Ryan high five]
Michael: Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam.
[camera cuts to Pam then back to Michael]
Michael: Now, who was the one before Curly?
Ryan: Uh, Shemp.
Michael: Curly? Very good. Curly Joe DeRita.
Ryan: Just Curly. Joe DeRita was different.
Michael: Well, comedy's kinda my thing. Watch this, here's Curly Joe. Mmm. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Oh, I forgot. Here we go.
[Yelling in cod German]
Michael: I'm Hitler. Right.
[Continues with cod German]
Michael: Me, me, me, me, me, me. Curly Joe Hitler.
[laughs]

Darryl: In the warehouse, we'd use code names for people we want to talk about. Andy was Jelly roll, Michael was Dennis the Menace, Ryan was Douchebag.
Ryan: Hey, that's not a code name, that's just an insult.
Oscar: Plus, everyone would know who you meant.
Ryan: Yeah.

Dwight: Hey! Guys, listen up, Michael is up on the roof and acting strange.
Andy: Whoa! What's the situation?
Dwight: Un-shun. I think he's suffering from depression. Re-shun.
Andy: Okay, when's the shunning thing going to end?
Dwight: Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him *die*.
Stanley: Is it nice outside?
Dwight: It's gorgeous. Let's go!
Stanley: Do I need my jacket?
Dwight: No, it really is. It's very nice. Come on!
Ryan: Will I be too warm in a long-sleeve tee?
Dwight: Everyone's going to be fine in exactly what they're wearing! Let's go!

Ryan: Does she keep her phone locked around you, Michael? Does she watch how much she drinks around you, Michael?
Ryan: [to camera] Does she leave the room when she makes phone calls? Does she keep perfume in her purse? Does she shower before sex? Does she shower after sex?
Ryan: [Back in Conference room] Does she...
Michael: Yeah, she does all that.
Ryan: Sorry, dude.

Minister: Today we also say goodbye to our young adult ministry. They're leaving for 3 months to build a school for the village of Quimixto in Cabo Corrientes, Mexico.
Ryan: I've heard of that place. If you go to Cabo San Lucas, all the prostitutes are from Cabo Corrientes.

Michael: Hey.
Ryan: I found the pudding cups you wanted at a gas station in Carbondale!
Michael: You did it. Look at you. And with the plate and the napkin. Very nice. Thank you, Ryan.
Ryan: You are very welcome.
Michael: Did you get the yams?
Ryan: No, the gas station in Carbondale did not have fresh yams.
Michael: Oh, okay. I'll just have the pudding.
Ryan: You sure?
Michael: [sighs] Yeah.

Darryl: Consider it a wuphf in person.
Andy: You're doing the wrong thing. You're going to lose Michael's investment, you're going to lose ours.
Darryl: You got this crazy opportunity to get our money back! Tell Mike to sell!
Andy: If you tell Michael to sell, he'll sell.
Ryan: I'm betting on myself.
Stanley: It's a bad bet.
Michael: Hello.
Ryan: Hey. It's an ambush here. Nobody here believes in this company. Will you tell them they are wrong?
Darryl: It's not that we don't believe in the company, we don't believe in you.
Andy: All in those in favor of selling, say aye.
[the four investors say aye]
Michael: I... do not agree to see, which is to say nay.
Darryl: What is wrong with you? What happened to you in high school?
Stanley: Michael, are you that blind?
Michael: I'm not blind! I know exactly who he is. He is selfish and lazy and image-obsessed, and he is a bad friend. And he's also clever. And he shoots incredibly high, and he may just make it. But you know what? Even if he doesn't, I would rather go broke betting on my people, than get rich all by myself, on some island like a castaway. And there is no middle ground.
Andy: You're gonna lose all of our money.
Michael: Only if he fails. And you know what? Ryan, I believe in you. Just like I believe in all of you. You have nine days to save everybody's money.
Ryan: Oh... Uh, That's a lot of pressure. I'm gonna need some more time.
Michael: You can't have it.
Ryan: Okay. I won't let you down.

Ryan: Hey, will you put this coat on my chair? I just realized I'm not gonna need it down there.
Kelly: Yes, I will take your coat and I will keep it with me, and I will sleep with it, because it smells like you.
Ryan: No, no, no, no,, just put it on my chair.

- Just go to his house and see if he's sick.
- I could have done this investigation in, like, 20 minutes.
- Including prep time? Just do it.
Ryan: If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know
- I had ever been here.
- And I'd forget, too.

Ryan: You have two young dynamic people in this office who know trends, who know youth. That's myself and Kelly Kapoor. You need one of us there.
Andy: Or both?
Ryan: Not both. Just one... me. Or if not me, Kelly.

Ben: You were right, Eloise. I was the story. A self-absorbed know-it-all thinks he's gonna figure out the meaning of America, and all he learns is how empty he is. I was the one living a myth. They say you regret the things you don't do. I didn't love.

Michael: May I have your attention, please? This office will not be using any new technology ever, starting now.
Ryan: That is not correct.
Michael: Ryan thinks that technology is the answer. Well, guess what? I just drove my car into a lake.
Oscar: You did what?
Michael: I drove my car... into a fucking lake!

Ryan: Did you see Saw?
Dwight: Of course I seesaw, Mose and I seesaw all the time.

Dwight: I didn't know that you were at a party on Saturday night.
Ryan: I go to a lot of parties.
Dwight: Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car. Give me your keys.
Ryan: I am not giving you my keys.
Dwight: Don't make me do this the hard way.
Ryan: What's the hard way?
Dwight: I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer, I know several, what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here, and make you give him the keys to your car and you will have to obey him.
Ryan: Yeah, let's do it that way.

Ryan: When people see this presentation, they're gonna
[bleep]
Ryan: in their pants.

Dwight: [playing Agent Michael Scarn in a screenplay written by Michael] "Sam, get my luggage."
Ryan: [playing Agent Michael Scarn's assistant, Samuel L. Chang, with Asian accent] "I forget it, brother."
Dwight: "Samuel, you are such an idiot. You are the worst assistant ever and you're disgusting. Dwigt." Wait, who's Dwigt?
Pam: [in confessional] Here's what we think happened: Michael's sidekick, who all through the movie is this complete idiot who's causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight, but then Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace. But that doesn't work on misspelled words, leaving behind one "Dwigt." And Dwight figured it out. Oops!

Mr. Brown: [deleted scene] Does anyone have anything else at all? Anyone besides Michael?
Ryan: I have something.
Mr. Brown: Yes, please.
Ryan: Um, well, I grew up here in Scranton and when I was a kid the guy who lived next door was a former baseball player, who actually played pro ball before the leagues were integrated. And he had the most incredible stories about...
Michael: Okay. I'm sorry, I'm sorry this guy's a temp and I should've told you that.
Michael: No, no, no, no. An outsider's perspective would probably be pretty helpful.
Michael: Yeah, but no, seriously. Uh, you know, he's not a member of the full staff so, uh, Ryan, you wanna just step outside?
Ryan: What do you want me to do?
Michael: Well, maybe you should go down to the parking lot. You know what? Yes, go down to the parking lot and check to see if any of our guests have parked in the handicapped spots. Cool? 'Cause the handicaps get a raw deal. Oh, you know what. That ties right into New Attitudes. New attitudes about handicap people. Very important.
Mr. Brown: I'm sorry, Michael. We're actually out of time.
Pam: Yeah, um, there's good things about Michael. He uh, uh... Yeah, definitely. Um...

Ryan: Kelly and I both agreed that we would just have fun. And I'm learning that fun for Kelly is getting married and having babies... immediately... with me.

Ryan: Why would Erin confide in me that she's staying here in Florida if she didn't want me to make some last-ditch, nothing-to-lose, Kelly Ka-who? run at her?

Dwight: I need to change my emergency contact information from Michael Scott.
Ryan: O.K. To what?
Dwight: Just put The... Hospital. Contact number. Just put 9-1-1.

Ryan: [in regards to Michael giving him the "Hottest in the Office"] What am I gonna do with the award? Nothing. I don't know what I'm gonna do. That's the least of my concerns right now.

Ryan: Hey, I'm Wuphf.
Michael: I'm Facebook.
Ryan: What's up, Facebook?
Michael: I sent you a Facebook message yesterday, I still haven't heard anything back.
Ryan: You should have sent me a Wuphf.
Michael: A what?
Ryan: When you send a Wuphf, it goes to your home phone, cell phone, email, Facebook, Twitter and home-screen, all at the same time. Wuphf!
Michael: Wuphf.com!

Ryan: I've finally mastered commitment!

Col. Hans Landa: [to Aldo] So you're "Aldo the Apache".
Lt. Aldo Raine: So you're "the Jew Hunter".
Col. Hans Landa: A detective. A damn good dectective. Finding people is my specialty so naturally I work for the Nazis finding people, and yes some of them were Jews. But "Jew Hunter"?
Col. Hans Landa: [reacts in disgust] It's just a name that stuck.
Pfc. Smithson Utivich: Well, you do have to admit, it is catchy.
Col. Hans Landa: Do you control the nicknames your enemies bestow on you? "Aldo the Apache" and "the Little Man"?
Pfc. Smithson Utivich: [confused] What do you mean "the Little Man"?
Col. Hans Landa: Germans' nickname for you.
Pfc. Smithson Utivich: The Germans' nickname for me is "the Little Man"?
Col. Hans Landa: And as if to make my point, I'm a little surprised how tall you were in real life. I mean, you're a little fellow, but not circus-midget little, as your reputation would suggest.

Ryan: One beer and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can.
Jim: So, that's still going on, huh? You and Kelly?

[repeated line]
Ben: A hundred percent.

Ryan: If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget, too.

Dwight: Michael wants us to bond, so we need topics for conversation.
Jim: Ponies.
Dwight: No.
Ryan: How about rainbows?
Dwight: No.
Jim: Flowers?
Dwight: No!
Ryan: Makeup?

[last lines]
Ryan: How's it going? Good day?
Dwight: Not now, Temp.
Ryan: Um, okay, so, um, listen. I know about your diabolical plan.
Dwight: What? Diabolical plan? I wouldn't even know how to begin a diabol...
[Ryan holds up a printed copy of "My Diabolical Plan by Dwight K. Schrute"]
Ryan: I found a copy of it in the copier tray.
Dwight: So what do you want?
Ryan: I want the same thing you want. I want to take Jim Halpert down. I want in.

Ryan: Robert, you got your sheep, and you got your black sheep, and I'm not even a sheep. I'm on the freakin' moon.

Ryan: Shut your beautiful, beautiful mouth, please.

Michael: Guys! I want you to help us work on some banter.
Kevin: Yes! I love banter. But I hate witty banter.
Michael: Here we go! So, DeAngelo! You and I have a lot in common. You lost two hundred pounds, and I lose my car keys every morning.
Deangelo: That is true, we do share some similarities. I know how you can fix one of those problems, for me it was portion control. For you, you need a key chain. Maybe one with a...
Michael: [cutting him off] Okay, okay. You know what, I didn't actually lose my keys.
Deangelo: This did not happen.
Michael: Mmmmkay. There needs to be what you call a rat-a-tat. And right now it's all rat and no tat. Ryan come on up here. Tap DeAngelo out. Just watch this. Okay.
[Ryan stands next to Michael up front]
Michael: Ryan how are you today?
Ryan: Why don't you ask my therapist? My mom certainly pays her enough.
Michael: There you go! Lovely! Regis and Kelly! Nice! Use that as an inspiration. Just be funny.
Deangelo: Uhhh, you sir!
[points to Jim]
Deangelo: Are we having fun tonight?
Jim: Having a great time.
Deangelo: Oh good!
Jim: Thanks, yeah.
Deangelo: Where were you on September 11th?
Michael: No! God!
[Jim looks at him oddly]
Deangelo: This is so weird! If I'm conducting a meeting, good to go. But if I think of it as a performance... I-I fall apart. Obviously.
Andy: Why don't you think of hosting the Dundies like you're just running a meeting.
Michael: No, no, no! This is the performance of your life!
Jim: Why don't you just, privately, in your own head, think of it like a meeting.
Michael: Jim, please no loopholes.
Darryl: Mike, why do you have to control how he perceives it in his mind?
Michael: This is my last Dundies ever. If I want mind control over him, is that too much to ask?

Ryan: Look, I'm sorry, okay? I was just trying to do my presentation. And of course I was wrong to suggest that Dunder Mifflin might ever go out of business. But you don't have to fire me.
Michael: Fire you? No, no, no. You are moving to the annex.
Ryan: To the annex? Where Kelly is?
Michael: A good manager doesn't fire people. He hires people and inspires people. People, Ryan. And people will never go out of business.

Phyllis: Hi, guys. Does everyone know my boyfriend, Bob Vance?
Kevin: Kevin Malone.
Bob: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Stanley: Stanley Hudson.
Bob: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan: Ryan Howard.
Bob: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan: What line of work you in, Bob?

- He used my credit card numbers to send a $200 bouquet of flowers to my wife.
- From me.
- Boom!
Ryan: [Chattering] Look, it's Christmas, so you're allowed...
- Hello.

Ryan: Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much, but he will be missed.

[Michael is grilling steaks for Bob Vance's bachelor party]
Ryan: Is it the same grill you grilled your foot on?
Michael: No. Yes, but I got all the foot off of it.
Ryan: Oh, gross.

Ryan: I've even started volunteering, giving back to the community.
Jim: That's great. You're talking about your court-ordered community service?
Ryan: I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean.
Jim: But he did, right?

Harry J. Sonneborn: So to summarize, you have a minuscule revenue stream. No cash reserves. And an albatross of a contract that requires you to go through a slow approval process to enact changes if they're approved at all.
Ray: Which they never are.
Harry J. Sonneborn: Am I missing anything?
Ray: That about sums it up.
Harry J. Sonneborn: Tell me about the land.
Ray: The... land?
Harry J. Sonneborn: The land, the buildings, how that whole aspect of it works.
Ray: Oh, pretty simple really. Franchisee finds a piece of land he likes. Gets a lease, usually 20 years. Takes out a construction loan, throws up a building and off he goes.
Harry J. Sonneborn: So the operator selects the site.
Ray: Yeah.
Harry J. Sonneborn: He picks the property?
Ray: Right.
Harry J. Sonneborn: You provide the training, the system, the operational know-how, and he's responsible for the rest?
Ray: Is there a problem?
Harry J. Sonneborn: A big one. You don't seem to realize what business you're in. You're not in the burger business. You're in the real estate business. You don't build an empire off a 1.4 percent cut of a 15-cent hamburger. You build it by owning the land upon which that burger is cooked. What you ought to be doing is buying up plots of land then turning around and leasing said plots to franchisees who as a condition of their deal, should be permitted to lease from you and you alone. This will provide you with two things. One, a steady, up-front revenue stream. Money flows in before the first stake is in the ground. Two, greater capital for expansion. Which in turn fuels further land acquisition, which in turn fuels further expansion and so on and so on. Land. That's where the money is.

[Ryan is watching his watch while Kelly is seated on the desk in front of him talking. The rest of the office staff are seen in the background watching their conversation]
Kelly: So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four, number six becomes number five, number three becomes number two, etcetera, etcetera. And let's just say that I just sent back "Love Actually," which was awesome. And they sent me "Uptown Girls," which is also awesome. But guess what, now I want to see "Love Actually" again, but it's at the bottom of the queue. Oh, no, what do I do? What I do is this. I go online, I go click, click, click, and I change the order of the queue so that I can see "Love Actually" as soon as I want to. It's so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works?
Ryan: I guess I forgot.
[stands up, smiles and kisses Kelly on the forehead before collecting his winnings]
Kelly: You're such a ditz.
Kevin: Ryan, well done. Two minutes, 42 seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win $10 because she said "awesome" 12 times. And Jim, you win $5 because she mentioned six romantic comedies.
[Pam and Jim smile in delight]

Harry J. Sonneborn: Mr. Kroc, if you're not making money hand over fist, something's terribly wrong.

Ryan: It makes perfect sense that it would happen today. Because I just received this in the mail.
[pulls out a box of business cards]
Ryan: A thousand business cards with this address and phone number.

Dwight: Boycott the Steamtown mall! Everyone, you heard me. Cancel all your business with the Steamtown mall!
Phyllis: The mall itself, or the stores in the mall?
Dwight: All of it! The mall, the stores, the kiosks.
Ryan: America's one big mall!

Ryan: I got away with everything under the last boss and it wasn't good for me. So I want guidance. I want leadership. Lead me... when I'm in the mood to be led.

Ryan: Ever since I've gotten clean, there's something about fresh morning air that just really makes me sick.

Ryan: [cleaning out Michael's car] What about this bottle of power drink?
Michael: Uh, what flavor?
Ryan: Blue.
Michael: Blue's not a flavor.
Ryan: It says, "Flavor: Blue Blast."
Michael: Oh, Blue Blast. Yes, put that in the trunk.

Ryan: We are getting divorced, Andy! This is such a raw time.
Kelly: God, baby - you know, with people's reactions to this, I wonder if we made a mistake.
Ryan: No! With the messed-up laws in this country, I don't want to be married until everyone can be married.
Oscar: Know what, Ryan? I talked to the other gay guys, and we're OK with it. We all agreed it's fine for you to get married.

Jim: Hey, Ryan, wanna play a trick on Andy?
Ryan: Not right now. Ask me again about 10 years ago.
Jim: I liked you better as a temp.
Ryan: Me too.

Dwight: And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed in you.
Ryan: I don't think you know what you're saying.

Ryan: What I really want, honestly Michael, is for you to know it so that you can communicate it to the people here, to your clients, to whomever.
Michael: [chuckles] Okay.
Ryan: What?
Michael: It's 'whoever', not 'whomever'.
Ryan: No, it's 'whomever'.
Michael: No, 'whomever' is never actually right.
Jim: Well, sometimes it's right.
Creed: Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students.
Andy: No. Actually, 'whomever' is the formal version of the word.
Oscar: Obviously it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly.
Michael: [to camera] Not a native speaker.
Kevin: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.

Toby: I am supposed to collect eyewitness accounts. Who saw Dwight do this?
[everyone in the conference room raises their hand]
Dwight: Okay, really?
Toby: Would you consider this a terrorist incident?
Ryan: I felt terrorized.
Dwight: Come on.
Toby: Oh! There's a whole other terrorism booklet for that.
Dwight: I just really, really think that we should handle this internally.
Ryan: Dwight, why is it on us to protect you?
Dwight: Because you guys are my best friends. And I mean that. Managing you for this last week has been the greatest honor of my life. And if you ruin this, I will burn this office to the ground.
[everyone has a shocked expression]
Dwight: And I mean that figuratively, not literally. Because you guys are so, so important to me. I love you guys, but don't cross me, but you're the best.

Michael: Hey Ryan? Could you get to that copy from before?
Ryan: Pam's better at that stuff.
Pam: That is so insulting.
Ryan: How is it insulting to say that you're good at something?
Pam: Because the thing you're saying I'm good at, is pushing a big green button a bunch of times.
Ryan: I'm not judging it, it's like... I could run GM but I couldn't fix a car. It's not saying one is better than the other.
Pam: Seriously? Because it sounds like one of those is better than the other.

Ryan: Psychiatrists tend to be more crazy than their patients. Therapists are whores. Psychiatry is a narcissism machine. I learned more from Dr Suess than Dr Freud. Earth. You don't have to be crazy to live here, but it helps. I don't know, just use the best one.

Michael: Pam. Everyone deserves a second second chance.
[He turns to Ryan]
Michael: Ryan, just out of curiosity, how much do you get paid here?
Ryan: Sixty thousand dollars a year.
Pam: You get paid by the year at the bowling alley?
Ryan: What do you make, secretary?
Bowling: Back to work, shoe bitch!

Ryan: I'd like to make a toast: to the troops.
[everyone raises their glasses]
Ryan: *All* the troops. Both sides.
Party: That's weird.

- It's me.
- It's me.
- I love you. [Laughing]
- I love you, too!
Ryan: We're going to be together forever.
Kelly: We're running off into the sunset!
Ryan: I've finally mastered commitment!

Quentin: You're a playlist guy.
Ben: What does that mean?
Quentin: When some computer recommends you a bunch of songs based on your favorites and a bunch more--based on your favorites of those. Right. So you're listening to a bunch of music that, I mean, you genuinely like...
Ben: Yeah.
Quentin: ...but you have no idea who sings it. Now, these playlists? It's like the dating app for music. You're not hearing other people's voices. You're just hearing your voice get played back to you. How are you supposed to fall in love? Art used to be in charge of us. You used to buy a whole album not even knowing what songs would be on it. Now we have everything on demand. At your fingertips. In pieces. You think half the people that are posting quotes from Oscar Wilde have ever actually read one of his plays?
Ben: No.
Quentin: Or posting photos of Audrey Hepburn have actually seen the film it's from?
Ben: No.
Quentin: Not a chance, right?
Ben: What is that about, huh?
Quentin: It's the same in culture as it is in archaeology. When a civilization collapses, only the tiniest fragments remain. But we can built it up again.
Ben: How?
Quentin: Make recordings. Real people. Not what people think they already know and want to hear. Real people. Not some generic stereotype or generic song. Real people.

- if not more so.
Ryan: I figured I could throw it away now or I could keep it for a couple of months and then throw it away.
- I mean, it was really nice of Pam to make them, but what am I going to do with a gold medal made of paperclips and an old yogurt lid?

Pam: Tears of a Clown
Ryan: Don't call me a clown Pam. Come on, you're better then that

Quentin: Your story proves the defining truth of our time.
Ben: Which is what?
Quentin: Everything means everything, so nothing means anything. Some things mean something.

Michael: Heart disease kills more people than balers.
Lonny: That's called having a fat butt, Michael.
Michael: No. No, it's sedentary.
Lonny: Yeah, yeah, that's fat butt disease. That's what you suffer from? You have fat butt disease, Michael?
Kelly: Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds.
Lonny: Yeah?
Kelly: Yeah.
Lonny: I bet you'd like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn't you?
Kelly: Ryan!
Lonny: Dude, please tell your girl to shut up.
Kelly: What?
Ryan: Kelly, you've insulted the gentleman. Please apologize.
Kelly: Are you kidding me?

Holly: [about Todd Packer] Okay, look, we can't fire someone because we don't like him.
Ryan: Right. This isn't the U.S. government.
Kelly: What are you referencing?
Ryan: Everything. Everything.

Ryan: I'm in love with Kelly Kapoor. And I don't know how I'm gonna feel tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, but I do know that right here, right now, all I can think about is spending the rest of my life with her. Again, that could change.

Darryl: Is it any particular branch of Washington University?
Ryan: The Washington University Public Health Fund.
Darryl: W - U - P - H - F.
Pam: Oh God.
Darryl: They only want it for the initials.
Ryan: The domain name, yeah, they do.

Stanley: [believing that Ryan is after his 8th grade daughter] That little girl is a child! I don't want to see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon. Do you understand?
Ryan: Yes, sir.
Stanley: Boy, have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it. What you looking for? Ain't nobody gonna help you out there. Jesus could come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child.
Ryan: [outside] Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.

Jim: Holly, will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Stanley: Marry me, Holly.
Holly: No.
Michael: That guy's got more than he can handle as it is.
Oscar: Will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Michael: That marriage would be a sham.
Gabe: Will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Michael: Easy no.
Angela: Will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Michael: That would be hot. I would pay to see that.
Ryan: Will you marry me, Holly?
Holly: No.
Michael: Only one that I was kind of worried about.

[last lines]
Lt. Aldo Raine: Y'know... Utivich 'n myself heard that deal you made with the brass. "End the war tonight"?... I'd make that deal. How 'bout you Utivich, you make that deal?
Pfc. Smithson Utivich: [busy scalping Hermann] I'd make that deal.
Lt. Aldo Raine: I don't blame ya! Damn good deal! And that purty little nest you feathered for yourself. Well, if you're willing to barbecue the whole high command, I 'spose that's worth certain considerations. But I do have one question. When you get to your little place on Nantucket Island, I 'magine you're gonna take off that handsome-lookin' S.S. uniform of yours, ain'tcha?... That's what I thought. Now that I can't abide. How 'bout you Utivich, can you abide it?
Pfc. Smithson Utivich: [finishes scalping Hermann] Not one damn bit, sir.
Lt. Aldo Raine: I mean, if I had my way... you'd wear that goddamn uniform for the rest of your pecker-suckin' life. But I'm aware that ain't practical, I mean at some point you're gonna hafta take it off. So. I'm 'onna give you a little somethin' you can't take off.
[cut to Landa screaming and crying as Raine carves a swastika into his forehead]
Lt. Aldo Raine: [smirks widely] You know somethin', Utivich? I think this just might be my masterpiece!
[Raine and Utvich grin sardonically as the credits roll]

Lt. Aldo Raine: My name is Lt. Aldo Raine and I'm putting together a special team, and I need me eight soldiers. Eight Jewish-American soldiers. Now, y'all might've heard rumors about the armada happening soon. Well, we'll be leaving a little earlier. We're gonna be dropped into France, dressed as civilians. And once we're in enemy territory, as a bushwhackin' guerrilla army, we're gonna be doin' one thing and one thing only... killin' Nazis. Now, I don't know about y'all, but I sure as hell didn't come down from the goddamn Smoky Mountains, cross five thousand miles of water, fight my way through half of Sicily and jump out of a fuckin' air-o-plane to teach the Nazis lessons in humanity. Nazi ain't got no humanity. They're the foot soldiers of a Jew-hatin', mass murderin' maniac and they need to be dee-stroyed. That's why any and every son of a bitch we find wearin' a Nazi uniform, they're gonna die. Now, I'm the direct descendant of the mountain man Jim Bridger. That means I got a little Injun in me. And our battle plan will be that of an Apache resistance. We will be cruel to the Germans, and through our cruelty they will know who we are. And they will find the evidence of our cruelty in the disemboweled, dismembered, and disfigured bodies of their brothers we leave behind us. And the German won't not be able to help themselves but to imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels, and the edge of our knives. And the German will be sickened by us, and the German will talk about us, and the German will fear us. And when the German closes their eyes at night and they're tortured by their subconscious for the evil they have done, it will be with thoughts of us they are tortured with. Sound good?
Sgt. Donny Donowitz,18028: YES, SIR!
Lt. Aldo Raine: That's what I like to hear. But I got a word of warning for all you would-be warriors. When you join my command, you take on debit. A debit you owe me personally. Each and every man under my command owes me one hundred Nazi scalps. And I want my scalps. And all y'all will git me one hundred Nazi scalps, taken from the heads of one hundred dead Nazis. Or you will die tryin'.

Ryan: And now, from my old hometown, Scranton, Pennsylvania, my former boss, Michael Scott.
Michael: [Satellite camera switches to Michael at the Scranton Office Branch] Hey, I think you should know that one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer. So take that,
[bleep]
Michael: !
Ryan: [laughs and smiles embarrassingly] Always a jokester

Sharon: Bless your heart.
Ben: OK, you know what? I know what that means. So, bless your heart, and bless your heart, and bless your heart, you can all go bless yourselves!

Ryan: For all their genorosity of spirit they password protect their wireless?
Kelly: Try 'Jesus'.
Dwight: Opus Dei.

Ryan: [talking about Michael hitting Meredith with his car] Did this happen on company property?
Michael: Yes. It was on company property with company property, so double jeopardy. We are fine.
Ryan: I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael: Oh, right. I'm sorry. What is "We're fine"?

Ryan: My pleasure, my treasure.

Ty: This is the most, uh, wretched, godforsaken stretch of land on the face of the earth. And I'd never leave.
Ben: Yeah. That's how I feel about Twitter.

- You're falling behind.
- Wuphf.com.
- Ryan, we're doing a dance...
- This is how you build a business.
Kelly: We're doing a dance.
Ryan: This is how you make it in this country.

Ryan: [cleaning out Michael's car] Wow. How many Filet-O-Fishes did you eat?
Michael: That's over several months, Ryan.
Ryan: Still...

Stanley: Pass.
Michael: You can't pass. You gotta pick somebody.
Stanley: [looks around] I'll take the kid.
Ryan: [in the confessional] I'm very flattered. I was his second choice after "pass."

David: So I know we left the other day on a note of uncertainty, but after some more thought, I'm very pleased to be able to offer you this job. Great. I'm so glad. We're all very excited you're going to be joining us. It'll be nice to have another MBA around here.
Ryan: I'm excited, too. Okay. Bye.
Kelly: Who was that?
Ryan: Nobody,
[short pause]
Ryan: You and I are done.
Kelly: What?
[glances at the camera]

Kelly: If *I* had created a website with this many problems, I'd kill myself.
Ryan: Do you have a question, Kelly?
Kelly: Yeah. I have a lot of questions. Number one: how dare you?
[Michael starts slow-clapping]

Ryan: [while eating pizza] Oh, this crust is sharp!

Ryan: I can't not have my phone. I need to be with my phone.
[Leaves the table]

Ryan: I will have a glass of your oakiest Chardonnay, please.
Erin: And I will have a waffle with your mapliest syrup.

Dwight: Brain teaser: I have two coins, totaling 15 cents. One of them is not a nickel. What are they?
Ryan: A dime and a nickel.
Dwight: No. I said one of them is not a nickel.
Ryan: But the other one is. I've heard that before.
Dwight: Okay. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, "There's no way I can operate on this boy, because he's my..."
Ryan: [cuts him off] "Because he's my son." The doctor is the boy's mother.
Dwight: A man is found hanging from the ceiling...
Ryan: [cuts him off] He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself and the ice melted.
Dwight: A hunter...
Ryan: [cuts him off] It's a polar bear, because you're at the North Pole.
Dwight: Damn it!

Ben: Do you ever find wonder, if you did find something deeper with somebody, if that would somehow be more meaningful?
John: I do, sometimes. Like right now, I'm casually dating, like, six or seven different women. But I do wonder, deep down, what it would be like to seriously date two or three.

Ben: Would you like coffee?
Jasmine: Yes.
Ben: How do you take it?
Jasmine: In the mouth.

Ryan: You wanted to have sex in my office.
Pam: No.
Jim: Definitely not. That's disgusting.
Ryan: It's cool. Just um, try to put everything back where you found it. Text me when you're finished... I'll be out here.

Hannah: [breastfeeding] Take a picture; it'll last longer.
Ryan: I'm sorry, it's just... It's a little distracting.
Creed: [staring] Ditto that, my brother.

Dwight: [after Ryan gulps down a beer] Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere.
Ryan: [Stares into the camera] I think about that all the time.

Ryan: You should have put him in custardy.

Ryan: He's rubbing his neck. He's rubbing his neck.
Kelly: He's rubbing his neck.
Ryan: He's rubbing his neck.
Andy: Oh! Scranton Strangler!
Toby: I can neither confirm nor deny this. Let's just say, I'll be up to my neck in jury duty.

Ryan: A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa, and my cousin, Mufasa, was... He was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests, and we all took it really hard. All of us kind of in the audience of what happened.
Michael: Do you want to talk about it any more?
Ryan: Oh, it would probably take me, like, an hour and a half to tell that whole story.

El: I'm scared.
Ben: What are you scared of?
El: Ghosts.
Ben: Ghosts aren't real.
El: If they're not real, how come everyone knows what they are?
Ben: They're real as an idea, but they're not real, real. That's what's scary about ghosts, that they aren't real. If ghosts were real they wouldn't be scary at all, right? We would just smile and say, "Hi, ghosts!"
El: Hi ghosts!
Ben: Hi ghost! Wouldn't that be cool? If when someone wasn't there anymore there was still a little piece of them that could surprise you sometimes?
El: Yeah.
Ben: But there's not, there's nothing. And that's what's scary about ghosts. That the little piece of someone that feels like it might still be there isn't there at all. Do you feel better?
El: No.
Ben: Me neither.

Ryan: Um, also, little tip, never shake the baby.
Jim: Sorry, just to be clear, you're saying do *not* shake the baby.
Ryan: Don't shake the baby. Um, a lot of times, parents get frustrated 'cause the baby's crying and they shake the baby. And you gotta... You can't do that.
Pam: Don't shake our baby?
Ryan: Yeah.
Pam: Okay. I'd never heard that before. So, thank you. Yeah, I'm glad you said something.
Ryan: Me too.

[In the conference room, the office workers are discussing the correct use of 'whoever' vs. 'whomever']
Kevin: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.
Ryan: Do you really know which one is correct?
Kevin: I don't know.
Pam: It's 'whom' when it's the object of the sentence and 'who' when it's the subject.
Phyllis: That sounds right.
Michael: Well, it sounds right, but is it?
Stanley: How did Ryan use it, as an object?
Ryan: As an object.
Kelly: Ryan used *me* as an object.
Stanley: Is he right about that...?
Pam: How did he use it again?
Toby: It was... Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object...
Michael: Thank you!
Toby: ...to whomever, meaning us, the indirect object... which is the correct usage of the word.
Michael: No one asked you anything ever, so whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull.

Kevin: [Kevin's voice in a video of Cookie Monster] Oscar, Toby said he left my Girl Scout cookies on my chair. Have you seen them? Wait I'm sitting on them.
[all laugh]
Andy: This is awesome!
Oscar: Thank you. It didn't even take that long.
Kevin: [Cookie Monster with Kevin's voice] What's the difference between a chimichanga,
[Kevin arrives behind the group]
Kevin: a chalupa, and a tostada? Call me back ASAP. It's urgent.
[Kevin speaking]
Kevin: This isn't funny. I don't talk like that.
[all continue laughing]
Phyllis: Say "Me eat cookie."
Kevin: No. I won't say it.
Dwight: Why is everyone clumped around accounting? Break it up, you clique.
Ryan: It's Kevin as Cookie Monster from Sesame Street.
Dwight: [gets up and starts to walk to Oscar's desk] Is that the program where all those puppets live in the barrio?
Phyllis: Mm-hmm.
Dwight: I love that show.
Kevin: [Cookie Monster with Kevin's voice] This is Kevin. This is Kevin.
Ryan: Good work, buddy.
Oscar: Thank you.
Dwight: That is an amusing link. I'd like it sent to me, please.
Oscar: Yes.
Kelly: Me, too Oscar.
Ryan: C.C. me.
Kevin: Angela, this is inappropriate.
Angela: This is my favorite day.

Ben: You know, um... There's some things I'm good at. I'm good at asking the right questions. I'm good at getting people to talk. And I'm especially good at drawing thematic connections between seemingly disparate elements and using that to illustrate a larger point or theory. So, whoever or whatever is responsible for what happened to Abilene, I will find this person or this generalized societal force, and I will define it. I'll define it.

Mrs. California: All right, well, it's really nice to meet you, Bryan.
Ryan: Uh, it's actually Ryan.
Mrs. California: Oh, Ryan.
Ryan: [in the "confessional"] Bitch...

Ryan: Maybe we weren't right together, but, it's weird. I'd rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love?

Michael: U-G-L-Y/You ain't got no alibi./You ugly.
Michael: Huh, huh.
Michael: You ugly./You mama say you ugly. Hey!/Go Michael Scott Paper Company!