Top 50 Quotes From Dave Coulier

[Rebecca is a terrible singer]
Jesse: I'll just teach her to sing on key. Or in a key.
Joey: How about the Florida Keys?

Stephanie: [about Danny] What about all his rules? Does it really matter if you chew each bite of food 24 times? Yesterday, I only did it 22, and let me tell you, it felt good.
Rebecca: Well, your dad does like to pay attention to detail. Every detail. On every subject. In the universe.
Jesse: Mm. What drives you crazier? His... His stories or his rambles?
Joey: What's the difference?

Joey: Well, Kimmy, I called your mom. Great news. You can move back home. Heh heh heh. Your room's been painted and all the repairs from the earthquake are finished. Actually, they were finished yesterday, but somehow, your mom forgot to call!

Joey: [rough voice] So, what're you in for?
Tough: Scalping.
Danny: Tickets?
Tough: No.

Joey: [Joey is arguing with the telephone operator] Oh, come on. You're directory assistance. Get your directory and assist me!

Joey: [when he undoes his belt after eating Becky's meatloaf] That is about a four-notcher on the old belt, let me tell you.
Michelle: Should I consider that an apology or a compliment?
Stephanie: You should consider that a reason to stay single.

Rebecca: [Joey is listening to his relaxation tape with his eyes closed and is oblivious to everything around him] He's really gone, isn't he?
Jesse: Well he was never really *here* to begin with.
Rebecca: How do you get him to snap out of it?
Jesse: Well see you just change the programming. Watch this,
[pulls back Joey's headphones]
Jesse: I am a tranquil idiot.
Joey: I am a tranquil id--
[opens his eyes and looks up]
Joey: Hey!

D.J.: Dad, you've got to do something. Listen to my report card. It's so unfair.
D.J.: [reading her grades off her report card] A, A, A, A, A ...
Joey: How dare they? This is an outrage.

Joey: Jess, you don't understand. Patty was THE one. I was gonna ask her to marry me.
Danny: Until she walked out on you. No phone call. No goodbye.
Joey: She left me a note.
Danny: On her new boyfriend's stationary. Face it, Joey. She just ripped out your heart, and threw it on the ground... and did the Mexican hat dance on it.

Jesse: Get off my back, so I wasn't the best skater out there.
Joey: You call that skating? Your butt never left the ice.

Joey: [impersonating a woman at the sororiety reunion] Hi, I'm Sheila and I have no class.

Tough: [a tough guy notices Joey unintentionally staring at him in the airport lounge] Hey, buddy, you got a problem?
Joey: Yeah, I have a stiff neck. I can't move it.

Steph: The Making of a Wedding, the saga continues. The groom is now 25 minutes late, and here's the man who let him jump out of a plane on his wedding day, Joey Gladstone. Joey, how do you feel right now?
Joey: Sad, hurt, angry, bitter, scared, used, and I'm pretty hungry. I forgot to eat breakfast.
Steph: Poor Joey, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. And here's Becky with her loving family. Any words for Uncle Jesse?
Becky: Darling, I just hope you are alright. But if you are alright, I'll kill you.

Danny: You know, come to think of it, when I was Stephanie's age I had a dream about being an Olympic pole vaulter. To this day I wonder if I'd given it my all, if I would've made it.
Jesse: [without missing a beat] No.

Joseph: Danny, you don't have to be hip and cool. You're spick and span.

Joey: What are you talking about? We are right on time.
Danny: Joey, that's a barometer.
Joey: Well, in that case, we'd better get moving. There's a hurricane brewing.

Michelle: Can I ask you a question?
Danny: Sure, anything.
Michelle: You're my dad, right?
Danny: Yeah, that's right.
Michelle: So, where's my mom?
[the whole family pauses, looking very sad]
Danny: [in sorrow] I'm sorry, uh... but your mom died when you were just a little girl.
Michelle: So even if I do get better, I won't remember her?
Joey: Well, Michelle, we'll tell you anything about her you want to know.
Michelle: Was she pretty?
Jesse: Michelle, she was very pretty. You see, your mommy was my sister. And you know what? You look just like her.

Joey: Remember 'The Bullwinkle Show'? Not 'Rocky and Friends' but the original.
Christine: Yeah.
[imitating Rocky]
Christine: 'And now something we hope you really like!'

D.J. Tanner: Strange but true facts: Stephanie and Michelle are the exact same ages Stephanie and I were when we first started sharing a room. Isn't that amazing?
Joey: That IS amazing. That's like Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln, and Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy!
Jesse: [to Joey] What's amazing is you're able to dress yourself in the morning.

D.J. Tanner: Is it just me, or is Dad worse than ever this year?
Joey: Hey, there's nothing wrong with your dad wanting to be a little clean.
[D.J. and Stephanie stares]
Joey: All right, wanting to be very clean.
[Jesse stares]
Joey: All right, he's a psycho with a dust mop!

Rusty: [Rusty is walking towards the front door] Well, my work here is done. It's been a blast, Tanners.
Jesse: [lunging towards Rusty] Hold it. Come here, you.
Danny: [holds Jesse back] No, Jess, he's mine. I'll handle this, everybody.
Joey: Book 'im, Dano.

Joey: [coasts in on a skateboard] Four years in college and look what I learned!

Danny: We are Chi Sigma Sigma. Chi Sigma Squared. We are Chi Sigma Sigma so girls be prepared. Ooga-chagga ooga-chagga ooga-chagga ooh!

Jesse: When I was a kid, the kids used to tease me. They called me 'Zorba the Geek.'
Joey: [laughs hysterically, then grows serious when he sees the killer look on Jesse's face] Kids can be so cruel.

Jesse: Joseph, it's finally happened! He's cleaning liquid soap!
Danny: Don't be silly. I'm just cleaning my rubber gloves.
Joey: Danny, there's no shame in therapy.

Danny: [about his yard sale] I haven't had a customer in over 2 hours, isn't that ridiculous?
Joey: What's ridiculous are these prices. $90 for a pair of platform shoes?
Danny: Actually that's just for one shoe.

Danny: Well, this could be the most exciting spring cleaning since '88.
Joey: Oh, yeah, that was the year I got to simonize the rain gutters.
Danny: Hey, Jess, maybe you can take a crack at the rain gutters this year.
Jesse: [sarcastically] My ship has finally come in.

Joey: Look at this, Michelle. 'Psyche hit by lightning.' Boy, if he was any good, he would have seen that coming!

Jesse: Michelle, now, you don't want grow up and be selfish like Becky.
[Becky listening in on baby monitor]
Jesse: Next thing you know, you won't wanna go hear your boyfriend sing. I don't know what's gotten into Becky lately, but she's really starting to get on my nerves.
Joey: After seven already? I better check that garbage disposal.
[Becky Jumps over counter and turns off disposal]
Jesse: I mean, sometimes she gets so stubborn and pigheaded.
Rebecca: [to Joey] Excuse me.
[Runs up stairs with baby monitor]
Jesse: You know, sometimes those things pic up other people's houses.
Jesse: Michelle, why can't Becky just realize your Uncle Jesse is right? I mean, it's so simple...
[hears echo]
Jesse: So simp...
[turns around to see Becky holding up baby monitor]

Jesse: I just hope she can keep her mind on her work, because this weekend, I'm going to tell Becky three little words that every woman wants to hear.
Joey: Honey, I'm wrong.
Jesse: I love you.
Joey: Jess, I am so touched!

Joseph: After everything that's happened this week, it makes you realize life is short and you should really go for your dreams or you've got no reason to get up in the morning and scratch yourself.

Danny: Guys, come on. Once a year, I ask you all to roll up your sleeves and really do a job on this house. Now, if you're gonna do a job, you gotta give it 100%, otherwise, let's not do a job at all.
Joey: Okay, let's not do the job at all.

[Michelle has regained her memory after a bout of amnesia]
Michelle: How out of it was I?
Jesse: Well, you were pretty out of it. I mean, you were here, sweetheart, but it was like a part of you was missing. So it was like part of all of us was missing. But, we stuck it out and we got through it.
Joey: Just like we always do.
Danny: Just like we always will.
[end of series]

Joey: It's up to you. Do you want to be fraternity dud or fraternity stud?

D.J. Tanner: You know, I remember when we first moved into this house with Mom, it looked huge, it was like a castle.
Stephanie: Yeah, I remember when I couldn't even reach the counter top. Joey had to lift me up to reach the cookie jar.
Joey: Well you weren't going to find my fingerprints on the lid.

Aerobics: Come on, guys, staring at women is not a workout.
Joey: Oh no? She's got my heart pumping.

Jesse: I hope you girls realize that Christmas is more than just about presents.
Stephanie: That's true, you can also return them for cash.
Joey: Nice sentiment, Steph, I think you ought to phone that one in to Hallmark.

Joey: [thinking] I sure hope Becky and Cindy don't fight over me here. Although it could be fun if we built a mud pit.

Joey: You know, Olga, you sound like you have a nice voice, you don't want to smoke, you'd sound like Yosemite Sam with a tumbleweed stuck in his throat.
[brash voice]
Joey: Oooh I hate that ra-ra-ra-
[chokes]

Joey: Listen up human dictionary! Stephanie Tanner is going to tear you from vowel to vowel and eat your consonants for lunch! Grrr!

Joey: What do you have against clowns?
Jesse: They bug me, man. They think they're so funny!

Joey: Well, there. I finished cleaning every toilet in the house. They're spotless. So if you have to go to the bathroom, PLEASE go to the Texaco station.

Joey: [mimicks Yosemite sam's voice] Ooh! I hate that rhino.

Daniel: You remember me?
Papouli: Of course I do! Joey!
Daniel: No, I'm Danny.
Joseph: I'm Joey.
Papouli: Of course you are!
[turns to D.J]
Papouli: And little Stephanie!
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: No, I'm D.J.!
Papouli: Of course you are!
[turns to hug Stephanie]
Papouli: And little Michelle!
Stephanie: I'm Stephanie.
Michelle: I'm little Michelle.
Papouli: [turns to Michelle] Of course you are!
[turns to Steve]
Papouli: And... I have no idea who you are.
Michelle: You don't know who any of us are.

D.J.: Dad, listen to my report card it's an outrage! A, A, A, A, A, A...
Joey: How dare they!
D.J.: Listen to my Spanish grade: D
Danny: A D in Spanish? Que pasa?
D.J.: Huh?

Joey: [Yvette hands him her wallet] Oh your children!
[opens it up, a long pack of photos pop out]
Joey: You two certainly have been busy.

Joey: They don't even ask anymore; they just assume that their wish is our command.
Danny: And the worst part is I don't remember getting one thank-you, do you?
Joey: Well, let's see - "Give me", "Get me", "Take me", "Make me", "Drive me", "Buy me", "Find me", nope; no thank-you.

[Nicky starts crawling]
Joey: Oh, my gosh, Becky, your son's turned into a walrus.

Joey: [Jesse's waging war with Kimmy] You know, Jess, this can't possibly be good for your blood pressure. You should really think about having a Hoho. I find that sucking out the cream filling is doggone relaxing.
Jesse: Joseph and I mean this in the nicest way, shut your Hoho hole!
Joey: Hoho hole secure, sir!
[salutes]

Danny: [outraged that Shorty's head is in its place of General Cornwall's portrait] Great-Granddaddy Cornwall!
Jesse: You know, I'm finally starting to see the family resemblance.
[Danny takes Shorty's head from the portrait]
Michelle: Shorty, how could you?
Danny: That's it! He's out of here!
[starts towards the front door]
Joey: Danny, where are you going?
Danny: [yelling outside] Anybody wanna buy a donkey?
Jesse: Danny, nobody wants to buy a donkey.
Michelle: I did.
Danny: [yelling outside] All right, anybody want a FREE donkey?
Female: [from outside] Shut up, Tanner! I'd rather hear the donkey!
Becky: [drags Danny inside] Danny, come in here. The neighbors are armed and cranky.