Top 150 Quotes From Danny Tanner

Danny: I wanted to talk to you about you and Stephanie's date, last night.
Ryan: Oh, yeah, right. Well, the guys and I had something else planned. It was no big deal.
Danny: Well, maybe not to you. You didn't see her sitting there dressed up with no place to go.
Ryan: [embarrassed] She took it pretty hard, huh?
Danny: [upset] She was devastated. It broke my heart to see the tears in her eyes.
Ryan: Whoa... I didn't think I'd make her cry.
Danny: You didn't think about her feelings, at all. Not only did you ruin her night, but you missed out on getting to know a really great person. Maybe next time, Ryan, you should think about someone else, besides yourself.
[Ryan, though hurt, nods in agreement]
Danny: Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got canned meat to deliver.

Daniel: How's the homework coming?
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: Great! I just made $60,000.
Joseph: Doing homework? All I got was just a little happy face.

Daniel: [walks in on Steph and D.J. arguing] Guys, whatever this is it's going to have to wait. Steph, I just got off the phone with Gia's mom, Gia was in a car accident.
Stephanie: What? Is she gonna be okay?
Daniel: Well she's got some bumps and some bruises, and she'll be in the hospital overnight. She got in a car with two older guys, one of them broke his leg and he was cut up pretty bad, they were lucky they were wearing their seat belts, the car was totaled. Steph, weren't you going out with Gia tonight?
Stephanie: Well... yeah... I was, but...
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: But when Gia showed up with those guys, Steph decided not to go.

Danny: [Jesse arranges a romantic trip for Danny and Claire] Is he the king of romance or what?
Becky: [as he neglects their own plans] Oh he's a royal something alright.

Danny: [thinking, while giving his speech] I gotta figure what I can do with Becky. It's a good thing I can ramble on for hours and hours and... hours.

Danny: All right, everybody, Cindy and Rusty are gonna be here any minute. Size places, please, let's go. Jesse, please stand up straight.
Jesse: What is this, a Julie Andrews movie?
Joey: Hey, go with it, Jess. Do!
Jesse: [singing] A deer, a female deer!
Joey: Re!
Jesse: [singing] A drop of golden sun!
Danny: I know you're all having fun, but this is very important to me.
Joey: Mi!
Jesse: [singing] A name I call myself!
Danny: This has gone too far. I know -
[sings]
Danny: Fa, a long, long way to run!
Jesse: [singing] So, a needle pulling thread!

Danny: Uncle J, can I see you in the K? Right away?
Jesse: Yes, you may.

Jesse: Joseph, it's finally happened! He's cleaning liquid soap!
Danny: Don't be silly. I'm just cleaning my rubber gloves.
Joey: Danny, there's no shame in therapy.

Danny: I got my shark repellent, emergency flares, and seasick patches.
Becky: Yeah, nothing says romance like an anti-vomit tag behind your ear.

Danny: [catching D.J. and Kimmy sneaking out the door dressed like hookers] My daughter is not going to school looking like Jessica Rabbit!

Iorgos: He gives her the flowers, they dance around the table and... that's what it's all about!
Daniel: That's not a wedding. That's the hokey-pokey.

[Michelle has regained her memory after a bout of amnesia]
Michelle: How out of it was I?
Jesse: Well, you were pretty out of it. I mean, you were here, sweetheart, but it was like a part of you was missing. So it was like part of all of us was missing. But, we stuck it out and we got through it.
Joey: Just like we always do.
Danny: Just like we always will.
[end of series]

Michelle: I can't wait for the surprise.
Stephanie: I hope it fits in the car.
Danny: Girls, we're here to see D.J. It doesn't matter what she brought us. Isn't Spain noted for their leather goods?
[Most of the family members nod yes]

Danny: I close my eyes for two seconds and it's a Kimmy Gibbler telethon.
Joey: Danny, you've been out for four hours.
Danny: [checks his watch] Four hours. Why didn't anyone wake me? Oh no, I'm ruined, I ruined the telethon, my career is over...
Becky: Danny, we're still on the air.
Danny: [to camera] That concludes the dramatic portion of our show.

Danny: [when Michelle comes home with a donkey] Please tell me that's a piñata.

Danny: Well, this could be the most exciting spring cleaning since '88.
Joey: Oh, yeah, that was the year I got to simonize the rain gutters.
Danny: Hey, Jess, maybe you can take a crack at the rain gutters this year.
Jesse: [sarcastically] My ship has finally come in.

Danny: Jesse, do you need a hug?
Jesse: Haven't I been through enough?

[last lines]
Daniel: Did you hear that girls? Uncle Jesse and Rebecca are gonna be married! Let's celebrate!
Melina: You got it dude!
[Everyone dances to Greek music]

Vicky: [Entering the studio after "The Perfect Couple" game show has ended] Danny, I know, I'm late. I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
[Looking around and seeing the red and white Heart shaped balloons]
Vicky: What did I miss?
Danny: Oh, not much. Estelle and I just won a trip to Cabo.
Estelle: [to Vicky] We'll send you a postcard
[Slaps Danny on his butt, then exits]
Vicky: [Looking at Estelle in shock as Estelle leaves] Who is that?
Danny: One half of the Perfect Couple. Vicky, where were you?
Vicky: [Happily] I know you're angry, but when you hear where I was, you're gonna be happy. I was in a meeting with the head of the network. Danny, I'm gonna anchor the network news in NEW YORK!
Danny: [Disappointed] New York? "The Big Apple" New York? "You can't catch a cab in the rain" New York?
Vicky: Yes! Yes! And I don't need a cab 'cause I got a driver!
[She happily and excitedly hugs Danny]
Danny: [Still disappointed] That's great. But what's gonna happen to us?
Vicky: Well, nothing, nothing. I'll just be based in New York instead of Chicago. I mean things'll be exactly the same between us.
Danny: I, I don't want things to be exactly the same between us. I, I want things to get, get better and closer, not... farther and..."worser". Vicky, I, I wanted to... sit down with you this weekend and finally set our Wedding date. When are we... gonna start our life together?
Vicky: [Her happiness begins to die down] Well, this does complicate things. I guess we'll just have to wait a little longer.
Danny: [Even more disappointed] Yeah, yeah, I, eh, I can't do that. It hurts too much being apart all the time.
Vicky: [Saddened] I know, it hurts me, too. I just don't see any other way for us, I mean, unless you move to New York.
Danny: You know I can't do that. I mean, I can't, I can't uproot my family. If it was just me, I'd be there in a second. But everything in the world that's important to me is right here in San Francisco... except you.
Vicky: Oh, Danny, you're very important to me, too. But I, I, I can't turn down this job. I mean I've always wanted to be a network anchor. I mean, when I was a little girl, I played with a Barbara Walters doll.
Danny: [Saddened] I know how you feel. I had a Hugh Downs Lunch Box.
[Even more saddened]
Danny: Well, I can't ask you to give up your dream. So, I guess I'm gonna have to give up mine.
Vicky: [Very saddened] Are you saying that it's over?
Danny: [Heartbroken] Yeah, I guess I am.
Vicky: [Heartbroken. beginning to cry] I do love you.
Danny: [Heartbroken, welling up with tears] I love you, too. I guess that's not enough, is it?
Vicky: [Heartbroken] I guess not.
[They embrace each other and hug, with Vicky crying on Danny's shoulder]

Stephanie: Dad, the tooth fairy left me twenty dollars!
Danny: Twenty dollars? Wow baby!
D.J. Tanner: This isn't fair, Dad. How come the tooth fairy never left me that kind of cash?
Danny: Well, possibly the tooth fairy was fumbling around in the dark... and uh... accidentally took the wrong bill out of his... or her... wallet.
D.J. Tanner: Well, I certainly hope the allowance fairy makes the same mistake.

Michelle: Can I ask you a question?
Danny: Sure, anything.
Michelle: You're my dad, right?
Danny: Yeah, that's right.
Michelle: So, where's my mom?
[the whole family pauses, looking very sad]
Danny: [in sorrow] I'm sorry, uh... but your mom died when you were just a little girl.
Michelle: So even if I do get better, I won't remember her?
Joey: Well, Michelle, we'll tell you anything about her you want to know.
Michelle: Was she pretty?
Jesse: Michelle, she was very pretty. You see, your mommy was my sister. And you know what? You look just like her.

Vicky: [watching Jesse and Joey doing their radio show in a shark tank] I can't believe Jesse would do this.
Danny: Scuba dive?
Vicky: Get his hair wet.

Aaron: [after looking in refrigerator] This fridge is a joke! No Ding-Dongs, no Ho-Ho's, no Nutty Buddy's... it's bone-dry!
Danny: I have raisins.
Aaron: I'm allergic to raisins. My lips blow up and I can't talk when I eat raisins!
Danny: ...raisins it is then!

Danny: I don't know, Deej, are you sure you want to learn to drive by a guy dressed like a pirate?
Jesse: It's a do-rag, and it's gone, alright? I can teach her to drive.

D.J. Tanner: Dad, do we have to do this today? The dirt'll be here next weekend.
Stephanie: Yeah, it's the first sunny day in weeks.
Danny: Don't worry, you guys are gonna get to go outside. One of your jobs is to polish and clean the mailbox.
Stephanie: [disinterested] Hot dog.

Cindy: I made my famous homemade apple pie for the barbecue.
Danny: I can smell it from here. I can't wait.
[opens the lid to see a big piece has already been taken out]
Danny: Apparently, somebody else couldn't wait, either.
Cindy: [annoyed] Rusty!
Rusty: [sheepishly] Sorry, Mom. It was a long car ride.

Lou: [Teddy squirts Lou with a Super Soaker] That's strange, I suddenly feel water on my head.
Michelle: Told ya, leaky roof.
Danny: Michelle, we don't have a leaky roof, it's not even raining, that's not even the roof.
Michelle: Tell it to the guy with the wet head.

D.J.: Steph, you pinkie swore!
Steph: I don't care, I don't want you to get sick. Dad, I know why she got dizzy at the gym and I know why she's cranky, she hasn't eaten in 3 days.
Danny: You haven't eaten in 3 days?
Jesse: Deej, I think you better sit down and eat something right now.
D.J.: I can't! I'm finally losing weight!
Danny: D.J., this behavior can lead to serious eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia. You're heading down a dangerous path.
D.J.: I don't care! It's my life and I can do whatever I want with it!

Steve: Hey, hey, D.J. deserves all of the credit. Who else could thrown all this together in just 15 minutes?
[Everyone goes shockingly silent, with Steve trying to recover]
Steve: Uh, n-not-not that she did, but, um, let's say if she ever forgot your birthday, and, um, only had 15 minutes, she could have thrown this together.
Stephanie: Nice save. Not!
Kimmy: [Visibly hurt and embarrassed] Now I get it. This was a mercy party. You never planned anything. You forgot my birthday, didn't you?
D.J. Tanner: Kimmy, I-...
Kimmy: [to the rest of the Tanner Family] Thanks, everybody. At least, you tried. It's nice to know you all care about me, even though my best friend doesn't.
[Runs into the kitchen, headed for the back door]
D.J. Tanner: Kimmy.
[Running into the kitchen after Kimmy, who has run out on her "mercy" birthday party]
D.J. Tanner: Kimmy, I'm sorry.
Kimmy: Forget it! Don't you and your boyfriend have an anniversary to celebrate?
D.J. Tanner: I don't understand why you're so jealous of Steve.
Kimmy: [Turns around, much angrier] You think I'm jealous? You don't know me at all.
[She turns back around, walks out the back door, slamming the door behind her]
D.J. Tanner: [Danny comes into the kitchen] She left.
Danny: Can you blame her?
D.J. Tanner: I apologized. I mean, there is no law that says you have to throw your friend a birthday party.
Danny: Deej, it's not-it's not about a birthday party. You know, since Steve's been your boyfriend, I think Kimmy's been left out. You've been dating Steve for 6 months, but you've been friends with Kimmy for 6 years.
D.J. Tanner: 7. I think you're still blocking out 1989.
Danny: Look, Deej, in life, if your lucky, you wind up with a few really good friends. And for some reason, beyond my realm of my understanding, Kimmy is yours. Just like Joey and Jesse are mine. And with friends, you really have to come through for them. When I needed Joey and Jesse to raise you 3 girls, they were here in a second. Of course, they didn't know a diaper from a dinner napkin, which made for some pretty interesting meals, but they were here. And I'd have been there for them. And, uh, you ought to be there for Kimmy.
D.J. Tanner: I'll go next door and talk to her.
Danny: That's my girl.
[They hug]
Danny: Okay, you go talk to Kimmy and I'll go talk to Steve...
[Referring to the note Steve wrote to DJ in her bouquet of flowers]
Danny: ... Sugar Lips.
D.J. Tanner: [Walks outside the back door to find Kimmy still sitting in the Tanners' backyard] What are you doing here?
Kimmy: Well, I can't go home. My parents think you're throwing me a party. I'd look like a dork coming in at 8:30.
D.J. Tanner: [sighs] Kimmy, I'm really sorry I forgot your birthday. It was a lousy thing to do and I'll never forgive myself for hurting your feelings.
Kimmy: Never?
D.J. Tanner: Never.
Kimmy: Will it eat at you till you're tormented night and day, like my Dad after a batch of bad clams?
D.J. Tanner: Come on, Kimmy, don't put me through this.
Kimmy: You put me through the most humiliating night of my life. You forgot my birthday and you accuse me of being jealous of your boyfriend.
D.J. Tanner: I should have never said that.
Kimmy: That really hurt because I'm not jealous. Steve's a great guy and I'm happy for you. I just miss you. It's like you have a new best friend.
D.J. Tanner: Kimmy, you are my best friend and you always will be. There's so many things I can do with you that I could never do with Steve.
Kimmy: Like what?
D.J. Tanner: Like talk about Steve. Steve and I can't go through each other's closets. He has nothing in my size. Believe me, Kimmy, no one could take your place.
Kimmy: I guess I am one of a kind.
D.J. Tanner: Kimmy, you and I have been best friends since the day you moved next door. I wanna stay best friends forever.
Kimmy: You mean it?
[DJ nods]
Kimmy: Thanks, Deej.
[They hug]
D.J. Tanner: How about next Friday night, just you and me, we'll go out for your birthday?
Kimmy: Sounds great.
D.J. Tanner: Do you wanna go back to the party?
Kimmy: You think there's any hash-brown cake left?
D.J. Tanner: Oh, I can pretty much guarantee it.
[They head back inside]

Charles: [sees Danny] Hey, Steph, I see where you get your looks.
Danny: Well, thanks.
Charles: Yeah, I didn't say *good* looks.

Joey: They don't even ask anymore; they just assume that their wish is our command.
Danny: And the worst part is I don't remember getting one thank-you, do you?
Joey: Well, let's see - "Give me", "Get me", "Take me", "Make me", "Drive me", "Buy me", "Find me", nope; no thank-you.

Danny: [about Michelle buying Shorty the donkey] Kimmy, how could you let this happen?
Kimmy: Hey, I told her to go for the two ostriches.

Rusty: You know, Mr. Tanner, you look good in green.
Danny: Pranks are one thing, but when you mess with a man's shampoo, you're messing with the man!

Daniel: You remember me?
Papouli: Of course I do! Joey!
Daniel: No, I'm Danny.
Joseph: I'm Joey.
Papouli: Of course you are!
[turns to D.J]
Papouli: And little Stephanie!
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: No, I'm D.J.!
Papouli: Of course you are!
[turns to hug Stephanie]
Papouli: And little Michelle!
Stephanie: I'm Stephanie.
Michelle: I'm little Michelle.
Papouli: [turns to Michelle] Of course you are!
[turns to Steve]
Papouli: And... I have no idea who you are.
Michelle: You don't know who any of us are.

Danny: I got a new tape, I sent away for it, 'Great TV show themes'. It has my favorite on it -'Bonanza'.
[starts humming the theme]
Jesse: Danny, Danny, please, please. I hate that song. When I was a kid, my dentist used to hum that when he was drilling me. Every time I hear it, it kills my teeth.
Danny: Sorry. Guess I struck a nerve.

Danny: You pulled Michelle out of pre-school? Have you lost your mind?
Becky: Hold on, Danny, I'm sure Jesse had a very good reason for what he did. Go ahead, Jess, tell him.
Jesse: Well, they were gonna make her sit in the corner.
Becky: [looks to Danny] You're right, he's lost his mind.

Michelle: What are you making for breakfast?
Danny: Something to go. We're late.
Michelle: But I want Belgian waffles, apple-smoked bacon and sourdough toast, lightly buttered.
Stephanie: Yeah, and I want straight A's, world peace and Brad Pitt, lightly buttered.
Danny: No buttered bread and definitely no buttered Brad.

D.J.: I want to look like these models!
Danny: Why?
D.J.: Because they're pretty!
Danny: I think you're pretty.
D.J.: Oh yeah? Show me ONE model in these magazines with this round face and these Charlie Brown cheeks.

D.J.: [Danny and Jesse are arguing] Hey, if you two won't behave, I'll turn this car right around and go straight home.
Danny: Sorry.
D.J.: Okay. Signal. Check my mirror. Look over my shoulder. And pull out into traffic for the very first time. I'm really driving!
Jesse: Pretty good, huh, Danny?
Danny: Yeah, I'm actually feeling good about this.
D.J.: Can I turn on the radio?
Danny,8283: No.

Michelle: [to Joey, who has walked in unaware that his car has been plowed through the wall] You're in big trouble, mister.
Danny: Joey, are you all right?
Joey: Yeah.
Danny: In that case, you're in big trouble, mister.

Danny: [upon hearing Kathy Santoni is married and pregnant] Hard to believe that little kid is having a little kid... how did that happen?
D.J. Tanner: [pats him on the shoulder] Dad... it's time that you and Grandpa had that talk.
Danny: We *had* that talk. Did *we* have that talk?
D.J. Tanner: *We* had that talk.

Danny: [slowly coasting through an empty parking lot in Danny's car] This is nice. See, there's no need to be a speed demon.
D.J.: Dad, I think a snail just passed us.
Danny: Wait, stop! Stop!
D.J.: Now what?
Danny: You're heading straight for that tree, don't you see it?
[the tree is located far on the other side of the lot]
D.J.: You can't mean that tree at the other end of the lot. Dad, I am nowhere near it.
Danny: I didn't say you were near it. I asked you if you SAW it. D.J., you are never going to learn to drive if you don't listen to me.
D.J.: Well, I'll never learn because you don't want me to learn!
Danny: Oh, okay. Okay, that's it. You are way too emotional to be in the driver's seat. Switch places.
D.J.: Fine.
Danny: Fine.

Danny: [blaming Jesse for Michelle purchasing Shorty] Jess, this is all your fault. "Hey, got to go out and live a little."
Jesse: A: I don't talk like that. 2: I thought she was going to the candy store. Now, unless that donkey has a creamy chocolate center, you can't blame me for this.

Danny: You know, come to think of it, when I was Stephanie's age I had a dream about being an Olympic pole vaulter. To this day I wonder if I'd given it my all, if I would've made it.
Jesse: [without missing a beat] No.

D.J. Tanner: Dad, you are overreacting.
Danny: OVERREACTING? I'm overreacting? Do you see the SWAT Team behind me? Do you see helicopters circling the building? Do you see the Bat signal? I DON'T!

D.J. Tanner: We've been out shopping for Kathy Santoni's shower tonight.
Danny: Kathy Santoni's getting married?
Kimmy: She's already married, this is for her baby shower.
Danny: Baby shower? But she's only a senior.
D.J. Tanner: I know, she's getting extra credit in home-ec.

Danny: Now there are two candies, one of you gets the cherry and the other one gets a nut cluster.
Michelle: Nuts make me gag.
Danny: Steph, you can stomach your nuts, right?
Steph: Oh sure, punish the one with the good digestion system.

Jesse: Eye for an eye, a pinch for a pinch, that's the only way you survive on the streets.
Danny: What streets? Michelle's not even allowed out of the back yard!

Danny: Poor D.J., it's times like this when she really needs a mother. Becky, would you do me a favor?
Becky: No, Danny, I won't marry you, but I'll go talk to D.J.

Danny: [After reading Dr. Suess, Michelle is refusing to go to sleep] Don't shake your head. Your story is read. Now, you must go to bed. To bed, I said.
Jesse: Danny, you really gotta cut back on the Dr. Suess.

Danny: [after Michelle mentions an infestation] Mr. Bond I can assure you there's never been a rodent or insect in this house.
Denise: Oh it's way worse than that.
[opens the door to Michelle's room, full of panting dogs]
Denise: You got an infestation of dogs!

D.J.: Dad, I'm almost eighteen, a senior in high school. You can't exactly tell me who to date.
Danny: I'm not telling you who to date, I'm-I'm telling you who *not* to date.

Danny: Steph, what happened out there?
Stephanie: I got all confused and I didn't know what to do, so I just did anything. I guess I don't have what it takes.
Danny: Steph, you had that routine down cold, I think you blew it on purpose.
Stephanie: Why would I do that?
Danny: I was asking myself that exact same thing.
Stephanie: Okay, I blew it on purpose.
Danny: But why? I thought you wanted to dance.
Stephanie: I did, at first, but then I never got to see my friends, I missed the baby shower, I didn't get to do anything fun anymore. I don't *want* to dance all summer.
Danny: Why didn't you just tell me that?
Stephanie: How could I? I *begged* you to let me do this.
Danny: Steph, it's okay to have dreams, and it's okay for your dreams to change. It's okay if you don't want to dance.
Stephanie: I still want to dance, just not all the time.

Kimmy: Mr. Tanner, have you ever considered obedience school?
Danny: Yes, and tell your parents I'm willing to pay half!

Danny: Okay, Michelle, you want to explain what your Rebel Without a Hall Pass act was all about?
Michelle: I don't want you to marry Claire.
Danny: Who told you I was going to marry Claire?
Michelle: They did.
Danny: Steph, did you two tell Michelle I was going to marry Claire?
Stephanie: No, we were just talking about how cool it would be if you did.
Michelle: I don't think it would be cool.
[to Danny]
Michelle: You'll have Claire, Stephanie and Gia will have each other, I'm alone out in the cold.
Danny: Michelle, nobody is going to put you out in the cold.
Michelle: They already *did*.

Danny: I think the two of you should try to put yourselves in the other person's shoes... or paws. This is very simple. Friends deserve a fair hearing. And valuables should always be kept out of reach. So Stephanie, next time Comet has an idea, you have to hear him out. And Jessie, if you just leave your advertising laying around the house, there's a good chance Joey's gonna chew it up.

Ryan: [Danny opens the front door to see a dejected Ryan, stood up by Stephanie] Hope you're happy.
Danny: I'm not doing too badly.

Joey: Jess, you don't understand. Patty was THE one. I was gonna ask her to marry me.
Danny: Until she walked out on you. No phone call. No goodbye.
Joey: She left me a note.
Danny: On her new boyfriend's stationary. Face it, Joey. She just ripped out your heart, and threw it on the ground... and did the Mexican hat dance on it.

D.J.: Dad, listen to my report card it's an outrage! A, A, A, A, A, A...
Joey: How dare they!
D.J.: Listen to my Spanish grade: D
Danny: A D in Spanish? Que pasa?
D.J.: Huh?

Danny: [squeaky voice] I come in here, there's hugging, there's kissing, there's feet up on the furniture, there's...
[Claire puts some orange goop in his mouth]
Danny: [squeaky voice] UGH! THAT STUFF IS HORRIBLE! WHAT IS THAT? I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT'S BEEN. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S IN IT.
Danny: [regular voice] I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN OPERATE HEAVY MACHINARY NOW... I don't know how my voice is back. What is that?
Claire: Family secret.

Stephanie: Forget it. There's no way you can make me stay.
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: I can tell Dad.
Stephanie: Okay, that's one way... I can't believe you'd squeal on me.
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: I can't believe you'd put me in this position.
Stephanie: What about all those times you snuck in after curfew and I never said a word?
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: That's different. This is dangerous.
Gia: You coming or what?
Stephanie: Yeah, I'm coming.
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: No, you're not.
Stephanie: You're bluffing.
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: I'm telling.
Stephanie: I'm going.
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: Dad!
Daniel: Yeah, Deej?
Stephanie: Gia, better go without me.
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: Never mind!
Gia: Sorry, Steph.
[Exits]
Stephanie: [Angrily slams the door] I hope you're happy! From now on, STAY OUT OF MY LIFE!

Michelle: [Michelle and Howie are pestering Danny, who is on the phone trying to get answers about Jesse's whereabouts] Daddy, did you find our anything?
Danny: [on the phone] Just a minute.
[to Michelle]
Danny: Honey, I'm trying to find out.
Howie: When are you going to find out?
Danny: When I find out, Howie.
Michelle: Did you find out, YET?
Danny: [annoyed] Kids, if you don't stop this, I'm gonna turn this wedding around and drive right home.
Michelle: Daddy, you need a nap.
Danny: [on the phone] All right, just call me if you hear anything and, yes sir, I'll try to squeeze in that nap.

Danny: Guys, you are gonna love this. This is a piece of history, real Americana. I was going through some old family photos, right? And I found the picture of my great-great-grandfather, General Cornwall Tanner, okay? I had it blown up and completely restored. Look at this.
[shows the portrait]
Jesse: You should have just had it blown up.
[Jesse and Joey laugh over the joke]
Danny: Just so happens he was a great Civil War hero and this should be put in a place of honor.
Joey: How about under the mantle?
Danny: The fireplace is under the mantle.
Joey: I'll get the matches.
[Jesse and Joey laugh again]

Danny: D.J., remember the story of the ugly duckling?
D.J. Tanner: Ugly? I just thought I wasn't beautiful, you're saying I'm ugly?
[storms out to the bathroom and slams the door in their faces]
Jesse: [talking to the door] D.J., you're not ugly, it's the duck that's ugly.
Danny: That's right, and then it turned into a very beautiful swan.
Becky: [comes up behind them] You told her the ugly duckling story? You never bring that story up unless it's about some other kid.

Danny: [trying to open a jar] Vicky, when I was growing up, the man in the relationship should be older, taller and stronger.
[can't open the jar, Vicky opens it in one turn]
Danny: Well at least I'm still taller.

Danny: Joey, look at this phone bill. $2.00, $6.00, $3.00.
Joey: Danny, I have never called a 976 number in my life.
[Danny looks at him]
Joey: Okay. Once. I tried that dating service, but I stopped after I got my Aunt Frieda.

D.J.: [Danny is teaching D.J. to drive his car] Okay, car on.
[starts engine]
Danny: Whoa, whoa, aren't you forgetting something?
D.J.: Oh, yeah. Radio on.
[turns on radio; classical music plays]
D.J.: Ooh, Dad.
[changes station to rock]
D.J.: [Danny turns off radio] Dad, I have to learn to drive with music like any normal person.
Danny: I don't want you driving like a normal person. I want you driving like me.

Danny: [yelling at Kimmy on the phone] I'll call your parents, you'll be grounded, I don't care if you're not my kid!

Danny: I would like to say something before I go.
[to friend #1]
Danny: You, sir, are a chimney. Not only are you ruining your own health, you are ruining the health of innocent people all around you.
[to second friend]
Danny: And you sir... you should take a drive through a car wash without your car. Nice meeting you both.

Danny: How did you pass your test last time?
Jesse: Well, I accidentally glimpsed at the person's paper sitting next to me. This time they passed out different tests. I don't get it. It's like they don't trust us or something...
Danny: I don't get it. I drive the freeways. They give ever idiot a driver's license.
Joey: [Looks at Jesse] Not every idiot.

Danny: Look uh Kirsten. I want you to know I really think you're a wonderful girl. I mean..woman..I mean... person. But look you're twenty-one and I'm Thirty-Three.

Danny: I have my whole life organized up here. Everything from my Antfarm, to my Zorro sword!
Joey: That's your life? Dead ants and a plastic sword?

Danny: [to a donkey named Norman] Oh, man, what an eye opener. You should've been in that closet with me. The people I love most in the world think I'm nothing but a compulsive, neurotic, rambling jackass. No offense.

Danny: Michelle is getting an academic foundation that's going to carry her through grades K through 12, through college, through Harvard law school. Jess, you have robbed our nation of one of the finest legal minds the supreme court has ever known.
Michelle: I gotta go potty.

Danny: Stef, listen to me very carefully. Do not feed dog food to your sister.

Danny: Michelle?
Michelle: Yo Pops, what've you been telling Blondie about me?
Danny: Michelle, it's not Halloween and you're not an MTV VJ, why are you dressed like that?
Michelle: I'm just being myself.
[at Claire]
Michelle: Bad to the bone!
Danny: Michelle, I've seen all your x-rays, you don't have a bad bone in your body.

Danny: [carrying a box of canned meat] Ryan.
Ryan: Hey cool, Spam delivers!
Danny: No we don't.
[pause]
Danny: I mean THEY don't.

Kimmy: Tommy! Hi, I'm Stephanie Tanner's best friend Kimmy Gibbler. Can I have your autograph? Just write "To Kimmy, the woman of my dreams."
Danny: Kimmy, he writes music, not science fiction.

Danny: I just got back from taking D.J. to her written test. It's horrible.
Jesse: She failed, huh?
D.J.: [runs in] I PASSED!
Kimmy: [comes in behind her] I failed! I can't believe it! I copied every one of D.J.'s answers!
Jesse: Kimmy, they give everyone different tests so nobody can cheat.
Kimmy: They do? Well that's what's wrong with this world, nobody trusts anyone.

Danny: [puts a record on and starts dancing] This is Danny Tanner reminding *you* that disco will never die!

Vicky: And look on the bright side: if I am a little older, a little more experienced, that might turn out to be a good thing, don't you think?
Danny: [southern accent] Yes, ma'am. I always respect my elders.
[kisses her]

Danny: Now you go out there and be the best darn high jumper you can be!
Stephanie: Dad, I'm a dancer.

Michelle: Can I watch Arsenio?
Danny: What do you think?
Michelle: I think it's time for bed.
Danny: That's right. It's time for bed. To bed, I said.
Michelle: Daddy, am I still your little princess?
Danny: Oh, you got it, dude.

Danny: [outraged that Shorty's head is in its place of General Cornwall's portrait] Great-Granddaddy Cornwall!
Jesse: You know, I'm finally starting to see the family resemblance.
[Danny takes Shorty's head from the portrait]
Michelle: Shorty, how could you?
Danny: That's it! He's out of here!
[starts towards the front door]
Joey: Danny, where are you going?
Danny: [yelling outside] Anybody wanna buy a donkey?
Jesse: Danny, nobody wants to buy a donkey.
Michelle: I did.
Danny: [yelling outside] All right, anybody want a FREE donkey?
Female: [from outside] Shut up, Tanner! I'd rather hear the donkey!
Becky: [drags Danny inside] Danny, come in here. The neighbors are armed and cranky.

Danny: Dawn?
Stephanie: Yeah, Dad?
Danny: I thought we should have a little talk before we go down to the federal bureau of name changes and legally change your name. Are you absolutely sure you never wanna be Stephanie again?
Stephanie: Absolutely! The kids don't call me Step-on-me anymore.
Danny: But what are you gonna do when they start making fun of your new name?
Stephanie: How could they possibly make fun of a name as beautiful as Dawn?
Danny: Oh, I don't know. Maybe they could call you "Dawnald" Duck? Or they could say "Dawner" and Blitzen. Or they could all crowd around you and just start singing, "Dawn da-da Dawn da-da Dawn Dawn Dawn! Dawn da-da Dawn da-da Dawn Dawn Dawn! Dawn da-da Dawn da-da Dawn Dawn Dawn! Dawn da-da Dawn da-da Dawn Dawn Dawn! Da-da Dawn da-da Dawn Dawn Dawn!" Yee-haw!
Stephanie: Dad, Dad! Uh... Now that I think about it, I think I'll stick with Stephanie.
Danny: Oh, good, I was hoping that thought would "Dawn" on you. Sorry, I'm all "Dawn" now.

Danny: [wearing a tuxedo and backpack] How do I look?
Joey: Like you're going hiking with James Bond.

Danny: Steph, come here. I know Charlie might seem like a jerk, but, honey, there's good in everybody.
[Becky walks by]
Danny: Beck, can I ask you something? Remember, um, that guy we interviewed on the show a couple of weeks ago? Was it Tommy Bun?
Becky: Oh, yeah. What a jerk!
Danny: Yeah, he did charge over a million dollars on other people's credit cards. But, uh, do you remember later in the interview? He showed us a different side of himself.
Becky: Yeah, he mooned us.
Danny: Actually, before that. Remember, before he told us all that other stuff, he told us how he used to carpool. Of course, it was a stolen car. And he... he was fleeing the country.

Rebecca: Danny, we've been working here. Check the statue.
Danny: Okay, I'll do just that. Get my trusty rag out here. Okay.
[touches the statue with his glove]
Danny: A little wax in his ear, but, uh, not bad.

Danny: We are Chi Sigma Sigma. Chi Sigma Squared. We are Chi Sigma Sigma so girls be prepared. Ooga-chagga ooga-chagga ooga-chagga ooh!

Danny: Joey, careful, I don't want any pine needles or pine sap on the floor.
Jesse: Well then a pine tree was a good choice.

Stephanie: Eew.
[looks at squid]
Stephanie: Why did I order this? Here, Michelle.
Michelle: Eew, gross. Kill it, Daddy.
Daniel: Michelle, it's already dead.
[picks up plate and the squid has suction-cupped onto the plate]
Daniel: Uh...waiter? Could you take this back to the tank.

Danny: And I have prepared a nutritious snack of celery sticks for her little friends.
Joey: Mm. Celery sticks, every kids' favorite. I remember every Halloween, I used to head straight to the houses that gave out celery.

Michelle: Is the punishment over now?
Danny: No, listening to me talk is not a punishment, although it does seem to put you to sleep.

D.J. Tanner: Dad, there are so many things that I want to do and see before I ever start to think about getting married, or starting a family...
Danny: It's such a relief to hear that.

Jesse: [D.J. wants to learn to drive with Danny] Hey, Danny, come on. I'm sure when you were 15 you were dyin' to get behind the wheel of your mom's Pacer.
Danny: Not me. I was perfectly happy taking the bus. And my dates were very impressed with the extra leg room.

Jesse: I got rid of everything.
Danny: That's impossible! Nobody could afford my prices.

Danny: [after meeting Charles] Maybe there *isn't* good in everybody.
D.J. Tanner: What a brat.
Becky: Somebody needs to teach that kid manners.
Kimmy: I wonder if he's got an older brother.

Danny: [talking about Joey possibly being on star search] We haven't heard back yet so we have to keep this totally secret.
Stephanie: How rude! I can keep a secret!

Stephanie: I pledge my love and loyalty, to all he hive and every bee, our motto is and ever was: buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.

[Becky has brought a bowl of green liquid to the Tanners' cookout]
Becky: The Jell-O didn't gel yet.
Danny: [looks at the bowl, puzzled] It's okay, we'll tell everyone it's lime soup.

Danny: Okay, I'll teach you to drive.
D.J.: Thanks, Dad, you're the greatest. Let's go.
Danny: First let me shower, shave, and, you know, paint the house.

Danny: I do impressions too. "Stop chasing me, ya mean cat!"
Lisa: That was great! *pause* Who was that?
Danny: That was Tom. You know, the little mouse from Tom and Jerry.
Joey: Tom was the cat, Jerry was the mouse, and neither one of them ever talked.

Joey: What are you talking about? We are right on time.
Danny: Joey, that's a barometer.
Joey: Well, in that case, we'd better get moving. There's a hurricane brewing.

Jesse: They ask such idiotic questions. Nobody knows how far away your supposed to park from a railroad track.
Danny: Seven and a half feet.

[after having daydream]
Jesse: That's terrible.
Danny: I know. Those girls living there so long.
Jesse: No... I mean about my hair!

Danny: I guess I did go a little overboard, didn't I?
Stephanie: Dad, you had me dancing on Broadway, and you were doing high jumps in the chorus line.

Jesse: I'm not trying to catch the boat. I'm trying to catch Danny.
[Catches up to Danny]
Jesse: I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to talk to you. How does one lose a boat?
Danny: The rope must've slipped off the rope-thingy.
Jesse: The rope-thingy... Skipper?

[Michelle's pet donkey ate Stephanie's geography project]
Danny: Just take it easy, sweetheart. I'll write you a note.
Stephanie: What are you gonna say? The donkey ate my homework? I used that one last week.

Danny: [baffled and frustrated by Rusty's pranks] Rusty, I don't get this. I really wanted us to be friends.
Rusty: You don't want to be my friend. You want to be my MOM's friend.
Danny: Well, I do like your mom very much.
Rusty: You're wasting your time because someday my mom and dad will get back together.
Danny: Oh, so that's what this is about? Look, Rusty, I know how you feel. My parents are divorced, too. It hurts that they're not together, but you can't wreck every relationship that your mom tries to make. You know that's not fair.
Rusty: I don't want to talk about it!
[there is a knock at the door]
Danny: That must be your mom.
Rusty: Go ahead, tell on me.

Danny: [about his yard sale] I haven't had a customer in over 2 hours, isn't that ridiculous?
Joey: What's ridiculous are these prices. $90 for a pair of platform shoes?
Danny: Actually that's just for one shoe.

Danny: Look, I want you out of these clothes, changed right now, and I want all that make up off your face. Then, I want you come back here and we're going to talk about this.
Michelle: [with a stern attitude] Maybe we will, maybe we won't.
[Danny gives her an angry grin]
Michelle: [without an attitude] Maybe we will?
[she reluctantly leaves]

Stephanie: [marches into the kitchen] Your attention, please. Whatever it is you think D.J. did, she did *not* do.
Danny: How do you know?
Stephanie: Because she was crying, and those were not 'I'm in trouble' tears, they were 'I really didn't do it' tears.

Jesse: [reading from newspaper] Rebecca Donaldson, award-winning journalist and host of 'Wake Up, San Francisco' to wed... 'JERSEY KATSOPOLIS'?
Danny: 'Jersey Katsopolis'. Sounds like a Greek cow.

Kimmy: [Danny is deciding where to put a picture of his great-grandfather, which looks like Bob Saget] Hey, Mr. T.
Danny: Hey.
Kimmy: [looks at the picture] Did you get a picture of the front end of the horse, too?
Danny: This happens to be one of my relatives. If you'd like to see one of your relatives, why don't you go rent "Gorillas in the Mist"?

Rusty: [Looking at Danny covered from head to toe with mud] Too bad, you should have gone deep.
Danny: You know, this isn't the best tasting mud. You mind if I hit the showers a little early?
Rusty: Sure, I'll see what the others are up to.
Danny: [Annoyed] Beautiful.

Danny: I feel really bad, Jess, you spent so much time planning my night with Claire, you didn't have time to plan anything for yourselves.
Jesse: Oh don't worry about us, we're an old married couple, just give us the remote, an Elvis movie on rerun and a straight path to the bathroom and we're as happy as a couple of raccoons in a Denny's dumpster.
Becky: Raccoons in a dumpster?
Jesse: Denny's.
Becky: You have lost all romance. You went from Mr. Excitement to Mr. Rodgers!

Danny: [to the neighbor as he is bringing Shorty in from the backyard] I'm sorry, okay? I'm bringing him in! Go back to bed! Put your guns on safety!

Danny: [teaching D.J. to drive in his car] Follow my instructions completely now. First, adjust the mirrors. Very good. Now, Deej, listen to me. Get your radar out. Examine the big picture. Check for traffic, pedestrians, stray cattle...
D.J.: Dad, we're in an empty parking lot.
Danny: Are you going to question every instruction I give you?
D.J.: Sorry. No cattle.
Danny: Now, secure the litter bag.
D.J.: This is unbelievable.
[Danny gives her a look]
D.J.: Litter bag secure, sir.

Danny: Hey, this isn't funny.
Mary: It's not supposed to be. I'm a police officer and you're both under arrest for attempted burglary.
Waiter: You tease!

Danny: Kimmy, did you handcuff my daughters together?
Kimmy: Boy, nothing gets by you.

D.J. Tanner: Dad, don't worry. I'm ready for the responsibility. I'm ready to be in charge. And I'm ready for three dollars an hour.
Danny: You want me to pay you three dollars an hour to stay at home and spend an evening with your little sisters?
D.J. Tanner: Good point. $3.50.

Danny: Sounds like you were trying to be the boss.
Michelle: The princess *is* the boss.
Danny: *Bruce Springstein* is the boss.

Danny: [shocked] Why is there a soapy dog eating a rump roast on my couch?

Danny: That's Annette Funicello, I watched her all the time on the Mickey Mouse Club.
Michelle: That lady knows Mickey Mouse?
[to Joey]
Michelle: Give me back my autograph book!

Joey: [rough voice] So, what're you in for?
Tough: Scalping.
Danny: Tickets?
Tough: No.

Danny: [Kimmy's crawling around D.J.'s bed under the covers] That's not the guy who created Loveboat, is it?

Adult: I'm not really hungry, do we have any ouce cream?
Jesse: IT'S ICE CREAM!

Linda: Hasta luego.
Daniel: Ah... El Pollo Loco!

Danny: [after Stephanie and Michelle come back from New Zealand] Do you two have any idea how worried we were?
Joey: Why in the world would you get on that plane, in the first place?
Stephanie: We're really sorry. It was an accident.
Jesse: An accident? You accidentally walked on the plane, accidentally sit down and accidentally flew to New Zealand?
Stephanie: Okay. It was a freak accident.

Michelle: [being the flowergirl] Stop the wedding! Stop the wedding!
Danny: What's wrong?
Michelle: I ran out of flowers. I'm sorry.
[start's picking them up]

Danny: [firmly, to Comet, who has a string of hot dogs in his mouth] Comet, I command you to drop those weiners!

Danny: [after the tablecloth tucked in Danny's pants pulls all the food off the table] How did the tablecloth get tucked into my pants?
Joey: I have never put anything into his pants.
[Danny makes an annoyed face at Joey]
Joey: All right, once at the Sizzler.

Danny: Jesse, I am about to make you a very happy man. According to your short form, you were getting back a measly... $352 tax refund. But thanks to using the long form, you are now entitled to... Pay the government $48.17.
Jesse: I have to pay? I've been up all night with you. Haven't I paid enough?

Danny: [about Shorty] How's anybody gonna sleep with this thing in the house? I'd take him back outside, but apparently it's donkey season.

Stephanie: I've turned the bathtub into a water bed, the sink into a wet bar, and I'm thinking of turning the toilet into a loveseat.
Danny: [enters the bathroom] Girls, what's going on?
Michelle: Stephanie lives in the potty now.
Danny: We'll see about that.

Daniel: Am I the raddest, baddest dad a kid ever had?
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: Right up until you said that.

Becky: Come on, stop teasing me. I'm a good cook. Remember that sausage and lima bean casserole I made? I called it my Sunday surprise?
Danny: We called it our Monday surprise.
Jesse: I was still getting surprised on Tuesday.
Becky: Yeah, well, I bet you won't be getting surprised tonight.
Jesse: Ow! Whoa. Ooh. Check, please.

Danny: It's great that you wanna bake cookies for Stephanie, but not if it means it's gonna cost your job.
Steph: Unless you wanna be a baker.
Danny: Thank you, Stephanie.
Steph: You're welcome.
D.J.: He was being sarcastic.
Steph: So was I.

Danny: Okay girls. Lets pick a name for our new puppy. Michelle do you have a name for the puppy?
Michelle: Yes I do. Michelle.
Danny: That's your name.
Michelle: I like my name.
Steph: Mr. Bear and I have the perfect name. Mr.Dog!
D.J.: Mr.Dog? Steph when you have a kid someday what are you going to name it? Mr.Baby?
Steph: Not if its a girl.
Danny: I think we should name him something that fits his personality. Like... Puddles.
D.J.: Dad I have the perfect name! Comet. Because he's fast and he has a tail.
Danny: And he only hits the newspaper once every 76 years.

Danny: Do you know why this carburetor won't work?
Jesse: Yeah. It's in your hand, not under your hood.

[after Edna, an old lady, says that she'll jump in a bikini]
Daniel: Whoa! Edna's in a thong! And she's looking HOT!

Danny: [knocks] D.J. are you in there?
D.J.: Yeah one sec Dad!
[clears off pillows off of her bed, and pushes Kimmy under the covers]
Kimmy: Wahoo!
D.J.: Kimmy, we're going to play a little game okay? Whoever stays quietest the longest gets to lipwrestle with the captain of the football team!
Kimmy: Play ball!
D.J.: [pulls blanket over Kimmy's head] Come in!
Danny: [opens door] You're home early, how was the party?
D.J.: Oh, it was great! It was really good! We just didn't want to burn out on all the fun!
Danny: I'm glad you had a good time.
[Kimmy starts rolling around under the blankets]
Danny: That isn't the guy who created The Love Boat under there is it?
D.J.: No!
[stands up]
D.J.: Umm... actually it's Kimmy. She had a really big fight so I just told her she could sleep at our house!
Danny: Why couldn't she just have a really big fight with us and sleep at her own house?
D.J.: That's something to think about
[laughs nervously]
D.J.: You know I'm really tired from all that frat fun, I'll just see you in the morning.
Danny: Good night hun.
[leaves and closes door]
Kimmy: [Sits up in bed with the blanket still over her head] Hey! This party's too dark!
D.J.: [pulls the blanket off of Kimmy] Kimmy, the party's over, you got us kicked out. Just go to sleep okay?

Kimmy: Hola, Mr. T.
Danny: Kimmy, I'm going through a major crisis right now.
Kimmy: Hey, we all got problems. D.J.!
[walks in the house]
Danny: I gotta build a moat.

D.J.: Dad, I was talking to Eddie and he didn't know who I was.
Danny: The nurse told me that Eddie is suffering from the early stages of Alzheimer's Disease. It effects his memory and sometimes he doesn't know where he is or what he's doing.
D.J.: Is he going to get better?
Danny: [gravely] Actually, the truth is, if he has Alzheimer's, he's going to get worse.
D.J.: Is there a cure?
Danny: Not yet.

Danny: [interrupted by Jesse during the show at the wharf] Jess, this better be important. The entire Bay Area is waiting for a man to blink.

Danny: [about Shorty] Michelle, look, I'm sorry you got ripped off, but he cannot stay here in this house. He sheds, he stinks, he's dirty.
Stephanie: You let Kimmy in here.
Kimmy: I don't shed.

Jesse: Joseph, it's finally happened! He's cleaning liquid soap!
Danny: Don't be silly. I'm just cleaning my rubber gloves.
Joey: Danny, there's no shame in therapy.

Stephanie: I'm not exaggerating, Dad. Nobody in school can stand this kid, Charles. He's a total obnoxitron.
Danny: Oh, come on, Steph. How bad can he be?
Stephanie: Bad. Fluffner, our class bunny, tried to *bite* him.

Danny: Oh, man, Becky, that was the toughest contraction yet.
Becky: Gee, Danny, maybe you should lie down.
Danny: I made it this far, I'm gonna go all the way.

Danny: [women keep bidding on him] Don't stop now, ladies, I can go all night!
[all the women bid, pause]
Danny: Let me rephrase that.