Top 100 Quotes From D.J. Tanner

Danny: [slowly coasting through an empty parking lot in Danny's car] This is nice. See, there's no need to be a speed demon.
D.J.: Dad, I think a snail just passed us.
Danny: Wait, stop! Stop!
D.J.: Now what?
Danny: You're heading straight for that tree, don't you see it?
[the tree is located far on the other side of the lot]
D.J.: You can't mean that tree at the other end of the lot. Dad, I am nowhere near it.
Danny: I didn't say you were near it. I asked you if you SAW it. D.J., you are never going to learn to drive if you don't listen to me.
D.J.: Well, I'll never learn because you don't want me to learn!
Danny: Oh, okay. Okay, that's it. You are way too emotional to be in the driver's seat. Switch places.
D.J.: Fine.
Danny: Fine.

D.J.: This can't be! Two days and I've only lost half a pound? I'm going off this stupid diet.
Jesse: Good, you shouldn't be on a diet anyway. If you want to lose weight, why don't you try exercise? You could go to Michelle's gym.
D.J.: Oh yeah, like I really want Michelle's body.
Jesse: They have an adult gym too, tell you what, the whole family will go, they could all use some toning up. Of course with me it would just be toning tone.

Stephanie: [after DJ comes clean about what they did] Deej what happened? We got away with it and you *blew it.
D.J. Tanner: I couldn't go through with it. You ever have they voice in your head saying "this is wrong"?
Stephanie: Sure and I told it to shut up and I listened to *you*!

D.J. Tanner: [to Kimmy and Stephanie] I can't believe it, you two are arguing about WHERE you started arguing!

Daniel: [walks in on Steph and D.J. arguing] Guys, whatever this is it's going to have to wait. Steph, I just got off the phone with Gia's mom, Gia was in a car accident.
Stephanie: What? Is she gonna be okay?
Daniel: Well she's got some bumps and some bruises, and she'll be in the hospital overnight. She got in a car with two older guys, one of them broke his leg and he was cut up pretty bad, they were lucky they were wearing their seat belts, the car was totaled. Steph, weren't you going out with Gia tonight?
Stephanie: Well... yeah... I was, but...
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: But when Gia showed up with those guys, Steph decided not to go.

Kimmy: [Sees DJ dancing alone] DJ, what are you doing dancing with Elliott? You SHOULD be dancing with Kevin Gwin.
D.J.: [Referring to Kevin] I would but Kevin didn't ask me!
Kimmy: [Referring to Kevin] Then ask HIM! It's very simple, watch.
[Turns to Jake Bitterman and gives DJ an example]
Kimmy: Hey, Bitterman, you wanna dance?
Jake: [Agrees to] Sure, why not?
Kimmy: [Explaining to Jake] Maybe later, I'm busy.

Jesse: D. J., what do you see over there?
D.J. Tanner: A coat rack.
Jesse: No, it's a big, beautiful Christmas tree. Joseph, what do you see back there?
Joey: Vending machines.
Jesse: No. I see a Christmas dinner with all the trimmings. Pop, what do you see back there?
Nick: A conveyer belt.
Jesse: No. I see... Okay, yes. That's a conveyor belt.

D.J.: Dad, listen to my report card it's an outrage! A, A, A, A, A, A...
Joey: How dare they!
D.J.: Listen to my Spanish grade: D
Danny: A D in Spanish? Que pasa?
D.J.: Huh?

Steven: Kissing a girl who smokes is like kissing an ash tray.
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: What ash tray have you been kissing?
Steven: My Aunt Ida. I mean I love her, but she smokes so much, her Dalmatian is all black.

Stephanie: First, Jason drove on the wrong side of the road, then he pretended the steering wheel locked, we came *this* close to a truck!
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: Oh wow, does he have an older brother? Maybe we can double date and drive off a cliff.
Stephanie: What's your problem? Haven't you ever been 16?
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: I have, you *haven't*, remember?

D.J. Tanner: Kimmy, this whole thing was our idea. We can't let Uncle Jesse take the blame for it.
Kimmy: Well, he doesn't want you to take the blame. You'll be kicked out of school. You won't go to college. Everything you've worked for will go down the drain.
D.J. Tanner: 3DJ: Well, what are they going to do to him?
Kimmy: Shave his head, toss him in the clink and make him listen to his own singing. Poor sap. Oh, well. Let's go grab a burger.

Michelle: I cannot go outside, *Dad* said.
D.J. Tanner: Well Dad's not here. I'm in charge, that makes me Dad.
Stephanie: Until the real Dad comes back and makes you grounded.

Steph: [Danny holds up a picture of a little DJ] I was adorable!
D.J.: No, Steph, that's me.
Steph: My, how you've aged.

Daniel: You remember me?
Papouli: Of course I do! Joey!
Daniel: No, I'm Danny.
Joseph: I'm Joey.
Papouli: Of course you are!
[turns to D.J]
Papouli: And little Stephanie!
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: No, I'm D.J.!
Papouli: Of course you are!
[turns to hug Stephanie]
Papouli: And little Michelle!
Stephanie: I'm Stephanie.
Michelle: I'm little Michelle.
Papouli: [turns to Michelle] Of course you are!
[turns to Steve]
Papouli: And... I have no idea who you are.
Michelle: You don't know who any of us are.

D.J. Tanner: Okay, here it goes. We print up our own school newspaper with fake stories and switch it with the real one.
Kimmy: We have a school newspaper?
D.J. Tanner: Of course. Where do you get your information?
Kimmy: The bathroom wall.

D.J. Tanner: [opens up a magazine] Now, you're never too young to learn who's cute and who's not.
[walks over to a poster on her closet]
D.J. Tanner: Now Michelle, this is.
Michelle: Cute.
D.J. Tanner: He was cute when he was with . He's graduated to rad.
Michelle: Rad.
D.J. Tanner: [walks back over to the bed and opens the magazine they were just looking at] Now, this is Michael J. Fox. The bad news is: he's married. The good news is: he's our size. Now, out of all these pictures, pick the cutest guy.
Michelle: [looks at the magazines, then looks down at her picture book] Big Bird
[points at the picture]
Michelle: .
D.J. Tanner: Big Bird? No one even knows if he's a guy.

D.J. Tanner: [dressed as Mrs. Claus] What do you think, Steph?
Stephanie: Great costume, and it matches that red pimple on your nose.
D.J. Tanner: You're kidding, right?
Stephanie: Check it out.
[leaves]
D.J. Tanner: This can't be. I've never, ever had...
[looks at her reflection in the toaster]
D.J. Tanner: A zit! Oh, no! This can't be happening!

Kimmy: Duane here is a Shakespeare freak. Aren't you, my little Hamlet-and-cheese?
Duane: [embarrassed] Whatever.
D.J. Tanner: Duane, you're into Shakespeare?
Duane: [soulfully] Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, and Summer's lease hath all too short a date.
D.J. Tanner: Wow, Duane, I had no idea you had such a sensative soul.
Duane: [choked up] Whatever.

D.J. Tanner: [an elephant appears at the front door] I thought I knew all of Michelle's friends!

D.J. Tanner: [while cleaning under the table] Hey, Dad will be happy. There's only one wad of Joey's gum under here this year.

Danny: [upon hearing Kathy Santoni is married and pregnant] Hard to believe that little kid is having a little kid... how did that happen?
D.J. Tanner: [pats him on the shoulder] Dad... it's time that you and Grandpa had that talk.
Danny: We *had* that talk. Did *we* have that talk?
D.J. Tanner: *We* had that talk.

Michelle: Boys, they won't buy you flowers.
D.J. Tanner: They won't make a commitment.
Kimmy: They won't squat in Jell-o for you.
[the others look at her]
Kimmy: Hey, don't knock it till you try it.

D.J.: Kimmy, you can't drive!
Kimmy: [drunk] Well if I walk and fall, I might hurt myself.

D.J. Tanner: Stef, it may be spring cleaning to you, but to Dad... it's Christmas!

D.J. Tanner: Strange but true facts: Stephanie and Michelle are the exact same ages Stephanie and I were when we first started sharing a room. Isn't that amazing?
Joey: That IS amazing. That's like Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln, and Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy!
Jesse: [to Joey] What's amazing is you're able to dress yourself in the morning.

D.J. Tanner: Dad, don't worry. I'm ready for the responsibility. I'm ready to be in charge. And I'm ready for three dollars an hour.
Danny: You want me to pay you three dollars an hour to stay at home and spend an evening with your little sisters?
D.J. Tanner: Good point. $3.50.

D.J.: I don't need cake, I made ices on a stick.
[licks it]
D.J.: It's cold and wet and... that's about it.

Danny: All right, everybody, Cindy and Rusty are gonna be here any minute. Size places, please, let's go. Jesse, please stand up straight.
Jesse: What is this, a Julie Andrews movie?
Joey: Hey, go with it, Jess. Do!
Jesse: [singing] A deer, a female deer!
Joey: Re!
Jesse: [singing] A drop of golden sun!
Danny: I know you're all having fun, but this is very important to me.
Joey: Mi!
Jesse: [singing] A name I call myself!
Danny: This has gone too far. I know -
[sings]
Danny: Fa, a long, long way to run!
Jesse: [singing] So, a needle pulling thread!

D.J. Tanner: Kimmy, what happened to your bod?
Kimmy: My mom saw me getting on the bus and freaked out, it's back in my sock drawer.

Michelle: I'm not leaving. Steph is a total slob. So I decided to move in with you. Feels good doesn't it?
D.J. Tanner: No, Stephanie's not bad, she's just becoming a teenager. It's a tough time, I went through it, you're gonna go through it and take it from a voice of experience. The best place to go through it is in your own room.
Michelle: How about I go through it in your room.

D.J.: [D.J, Kimmy, and Steve walk in through the kitchen door] Can you guys believe this parking ticket?
Kimmy: D.J, your dad is gonna flip when he sees this.
D.J.: I can't believe this. I'm gonna become a pedestrian.
Kimmy: D.J., how can you be thinking of religon? You're gonna have to walk.

D.J.: Kimmy's getting married!
Nelson: To what?

D.J.: [a neighbor has accused Comet of barking at her dog, DJ is stressed about her SATs] Look, lady! Nobody in this family barks!
Ms. Twitchel: Well. Now we see where he gets it from.

D.J. Tanner: I can't believe it, we're being blamed again! Dad, *Michelle* brought her kiddie pool inside, *Michelle* filled it up with water, *Michelle* put on her swimsuit and floaties and *Michelle* threw herself a pool party!
Stephanie: Dad, the key word here is Michelle.

D.J. Tanner: [on the phone to Joey's father] This is his secretary, my name...
[looks at her posters of Janet Jackson and Paula Abdul]
D.J. Tanner: Janet... Abdul...
Stephanie: [takes the phone] He's really excited to see you!
D.J. Tanner: Steph, if I'm his secretary, who the heck are you?
Stephanie: [into phone] This is his OTHER secretary...
[looks at her toys]
Stephanie: Barbie Doll... and bear, yeah! Barbie Dollanbear.

D.J.: I want to look like these models!
Danny: Why?
D.J.: Because they're pretty!
Danny: I think you're pretty.
D.J.: Oh yeah? Show me ONE model in these magazines with this round face and these Charlie Brown cheeks.

Jesse: So Olga, did you smoke?
Stephanie: [faking Swedish accent] Almost, but no.
Jesse: Well Olga, in America almost but no is thumbs-upsky.
Stephanie: Maybe thumbs-upsky for you, Mr. Radio Man... but I want my friends to like me.
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: Well I think if you have to smoke for her to be your friend she's not a very good friend.
Kimmy: That's right, a true friend likes you for who you are, and how much money you have.

Steph: D.J., you're giving your lunches to Kimmy?
D.J.: Yeah, so what?
Steph: You've been skipping breakfast and dinner too. I'm not really an expert on this, but shouldn't a person... eat?

D.J.: [finds out that Kimmy pierced Stephanie's ears] You let Kimmy punch a hole in your body? Why didn't you just fall on a rusty nail?

D.J. Tanner: Dad, there are so many things that I want to do and see before I ever start to think about getting married, or starting a family...
Danny: It's such a relief to hear that.

D.J. Tanner: [Kimmy keeps changing the channel from the news to MTV] Kimmy, we have to watch the news for this homework assignment.
Kimmy: The news will be old tomorrow, but the Top 10 Video Countdown's good for a week. What do you say we take this TV upstairs and put it next to the little TV, and we can watch the news and the video countdown at the same time?
D.J. Tanner: [appalled] Kimmy! That's...
[thinks about it]
D.J. Tanner: a really good idea!

D.J. Tanner: Kimmy, will you quit copying my essay.
Kimmy: Why do think I'm copying off of you?
D.J. Tanner: [takes Kimmy's paper and read it] "What America means to me" by * D.J. Tanner*.

D.J.: Cathy Santoni is a complete bimbo. She signed up for Shop Class cause she thought it was taught at the mall.

D.J. Tanner: We've been out shopping for Kathy Santoni's shower tonight.
Danny: Kathy Santoni's getting married?
Kimmy: She's already married, this is for her baby shower.
Danny: Baby shower? But she's only a senior.
D.J. Tanner: I know, she's getting extra credit in home-ec.

Kimmy: [to Stephanie] You're the one who's dumb: capital D-U-M.
D.J. Tanner: Kimmy, there's a B.
Kimmy: [turns around] Where? I hate bees!

Michelle: I want my ouce cream.
D.J. Tanner: You want your ice cream.
Michelle: That's what I said, don't you listen?

Stephanie: What's wrong?
D.J. Tanner: [crying] It doesn't matter, nobody believes me. Not Uncle Jesse, or Joey, not even Dad.
Stephanie: I believe you.
D.J. Tanner: You do?
Stephanie: Of course, you're my sister.
[hugs her]
Stephanie: Besides, you looked me in the eyes, when you lie, you look over my head.

Kimmy: [hearing about Gia's rumor involving Steph] You should hide smelly socks in her locker!
D.J.: [D.J. and Steph look disgusted] Kimmy, she wants to hurt her, not kill her!

D.J. Tanner: [Joey's trying to leave the house, everyone's after him] Uncle Jesse, stop him!
Jesse: [blocks the doorway] Okay pal, there's no way you're getting out of here after what you've done.
[looks to the others]
Jesse: What did he do?
D.J. Tanner: He said he's flying to Hollywood to get roasted peanuts.

D.J. Tanner: Excuse me, Mr. Robolard.
Principal: D.J. Tanner, what are you doing here?
D.J. Tanner: Mr. Robolard, this whole thing was my stupid idea. I'm the one that put your car on the roof.
Jesse: No, no, no, that didn't happen. She's just a wacky, crazy, college-bound student who's trying to ruin her future before she even gets there. Go ahead, I'm to blame. 1-800-BOOK-THEM. Go ahead, go.
D.J. Tanner: Uncle Jesse, it's okay. It's my responsibility.
Jesse: Oh, Deej, come on, please. Robolard doesn't believe you'd do something crazy.
D.J. Tanner: Mr. Robolard, why would I be here in your office at night if I weren't involved in this?
Jesse: See, she's taking this remedial shop class with old three fingers McGee.
Principal: Mr. Katsopolis, that class is no longer offered at night. And since you left school, it's two fingers McGee.

Principal: D.J., you had such a bright future. Why'd you do it?
D.J. Tanner: Because I wanted to leave a legacy. You know, do something outrageous. I guess, for once in my life, I just wanted to show everyone that I had guts.
Jesse: Well, you did, Deej. Coming in here, sticking up for me, taking responsibility... that's as gutsy as it gets.
Principal: And as brilliant. That was the best prank in the history of the school.
D.J. Tanner: Really? I thought you hated senior pranks.
Principal: Well, the kids expect me to say that. I mean, what good is a prank if you think the principal approves?

Stephanie: I knew it was wrong, but I still wanted to do it.
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: That's because you're young and think nothing bad's ever gonna happen.
Stephanie: Did you ever do anything like that when you were my age?
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: Yeah, well, this one Halloween when I was 13, I told Dad I was staying at Kimmy's house, and she told her mom she was staying with me. We thought it'd be so cool to stay out all night, we even, hitchhiked up to Berkley.
Stephanie: You *hitchhiked*? Do you know how dangerous that is?
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: Well yeah, *now*, but back then I was young and stupid like you.
Stephanie: So how do you get to be older and smarter?
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: Well, you'll hear this voice in your head telling you when something's dangerous, and if you're lucky, you'll listen to it.
Stephanie: I think I heard it before I got in the car with those guys. It sounded a lot like Dad.
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: As you get older, it sounds a lot more like you.

D.J. Tanner: Kimmy, will you quit copying my essay.
Michelle: Why do think I'm copying off of you?
D.J. Tanner: [takes Kimmy's paper and read it] "What America means to me" by * D.J. Tanner*.

Stephanie: [diagnosing Kimmy's symptoms] Kimmy ate tainted pork.
D.J.: She didn't eat tainted pork, she's drunk.
Stephanie: We've gotta tell Dad.
D.J.: No, if he finds out he'll kick her out of the house and never let her back over.
Stephanie: Again I say, we've gotta tell dad.

Kimmy: [Michelle's disappeared] We better go tell your dad, let me know how it turns out.
D.J.: Kimmy! We just lost our little sister!

D.J.: You have the brain of a paramecium.
Steph: Well, if I have the brain of a paramecium, you have the brain of only one mecium.
[pause]
Steph: [victorious] Ha ha ha!
[exits]
D.J.: There really is no way to beat her, is there?
Jesse: No, not really.

Kimmy: D.J., come on! You're gonna miss the bus!
[D.J. comes downstairs with her hair covering her face and wearing sunglasses]
D.J. Tanner: Kimmy, where are you?
Kimmy: Over here. Follow the sound of my voice.
Joey: Hold it, Benji. D.J., that pimple is not that bad.
D.J. Tanner: [takes off the sunglasses and shows her face] Joey, I cannot be Mrs. Santa Claus like this. She's 612 years old. Her face would've cleared up by now.
Jesse: If it's bothering you that much, it's very simple. Just put a little Band-Aid on it.
[puts a Band-Aid on D.J.'s face]
Jesse: Bada-bing!
D.J. Tanner: Why would Mrs. Claus wear a Band-Aid?
Jesse: Well, just say that Jack Frost was nipping at your nose!
[laughs]
Kimmy: [sarcastically] Ho ho ho.
Jesse: Stifle it, Kimmy.

[a flashback shows D.J. and Kimmy at a fraternity party. Kimmy got drunk]
D.J.: And that's what really happened.
Kimmy: [angrily] You just can't admit you were jealous of me! You had to embarrass me, and take my car keys like I'm some kind of *child*!
D.J.: Kimmy, you could barely *walk*.
Kimmy: [shouts] It's my life! What do *you* care?
D.J.: I'm sorry. I *do* care. My mom died because of a drunk driver.
[near tears]
D.J.: I wasn't gonna lose my best friend the same way.
Kimmy: [feeling ashamed] Deej I'm sorry. I know. I made an idiot out of myself last night. I didn't know how to talk to those frat guys. But after a couple of drinks, I started to loosen up. For the first time in my life, I felt cool.
D.J.: Well, Kimmy, they called you a lot of things at that party, but cool wasn't one of 'em.
Kimmy: Well, Deej, how come *you* weren't nervous?
D.J.: Are you kidding? I was a wreck. I was talking to this really cute guy and he kept smiling at me, and then I looked down, and I realized that my elbow was in the clam dip.
Kimmy: Oh, man. I would've been so humiliated.
D.J.: Yeah, well, it wasn't my finest moment. But, in some weird way, it broke the ice, and we were laughing about it.
Kimmy: So, the trick to staying calm is to keep your elbow in the dip?
D.J.: The trick is to remember that everybody is nervous, and it is a lot easier to handle if you stay in control.
Kimmy: I'm glad one of us did. Thanks, D.J.
[she and D.J. hug]

Danny: I just got back from taking D.J. to her written test. It's horrible.
Jesse: She failed, huh?
D.J.: [runs in] I PASSED!
Kimmy: [comes in behind her] I failed! I can't believe it! I copied every one of D.J.'s answers!
Jesse: Kimmy, they give everyone different tests so nobody can cheat.
Kimmy: They do? Well that's what's wrong with this world, nobody trusts anyone.

D.J. Tanner: [going to a New Year's Eve party] I'm going to Kimmy's, Dad, see you next year.

Michelle: There's a car in the kitchen!
D.J.: Yeah, and there's a bus in the bathroom.

Jesse: It's a good thing you got that prank done. It looks like it's going to pour.
D.J. Tanner: Oh, my gosh. Kimmy, Robolard's car's on the roof.
Kimmy: I know, I can't get over it either.
D.J. Tanner: With the top down. Kimmy, the interior's going to be destroyed.
Kimmy: This prank is turning out to be great.
D.J. Tanner: Kimmy, the idea of the prank was not to ruin his car, just ruin his day. We've gotta get back there and put the top up. Wait, we can't. It's an automatic top and we'd need the keys. We're dead.
Jesse: Maybe not yet. You know, I can hot wire the car, but we've got to hurry.
D.J. Tanner: How'd you learn how to hot wire a car?
Jesse: Uh... science project.

Jesse: [D.J. and Kimmy enter the kitchen] Oh, girls, I'm glad you're here. It's about time to eat.
D.J. Tanner: Oh, sorry, Uncle Jesse. Kimmy and I are going to study at the library. We'll catch a burger on the way.
Jesse: Is this the thanks I get after slaving over a hot stove, all day?
Kimmy: Boy, you sound just like my mom. Only more bitter.
[Jesse firmly signals them both to leave the house]

Jesse: Okay, Deej, what've you learned so far?
D.J.: To check for cows and secure the litter bag.
Jesse: Oh great, if a cow needs to throw away a piece of gum, we'll be good.

Jesse: Your teacher only gave you one day for this... uh... homemade thingy?
D.J. Tanner: Well... She may have given us a little more than a day.
Joey: How little more?
D.J. Tanner: Maybe a day, or two, or twenty...
Jesse: Twenty? You had twenty days to do this, and you waited until the last minute, young lady?
D.J. Tanner: Technically, the last minute isn't until 8:59 tomorrow morning.
Jesse: You ought to start thinking about law school.

Danny: It's great that you wanna bake cookies for Stephanie, but not if it means it's gonna cost your job.
Steph: Unless you wanna be a baker.
Danny: Thank you, Stephanie.
Steph: You're welcome.
D.J.: He was being sarcastic.
Steph: So was I.

Danny: D.J., remember the story of the ugly duckling?
D.J. Tanner: Ugly? I just thought I wasn't beautiful, you're saying I'm ugly?
[storms out to the bathroom and slams the door in their faces]
Jesse: [talking to the door] D.J., you're not ugly, it's the duck that's ugly.
Danny: That's right, and then it turned into a very beautiful swan.
Becky: [comes up behind them] You told her the ugly duckling story? You never bring that story up unless it's about some other kid.

Stephanie: Dad, the tooth fairy left me twenty dollars!
Danny: Twenty dollars? Wow baby!
D.J. Tanner: This isn't fair, Dad. How come the tooth fairy never left me that kind of cash?
Danny: Well, possibly the tooth fairy was fumbling around in the dark... and uh... accidentally took the wrong bill out of his... or her... wallet.
D.J. Tanner: Well, I certainly hope the allowance fairy makes the same mistake.

D.J.: Oh Mylanta.

D.J.: Dad, I'm almost eighteen, a senior in high school. You can't exactly tell me who to date.
Danny: I'm not telling you who to date, I'm-I'm telling you who *not* to date.

Kimmy: [to Jesse and Steve, after DJ suggested they read A Catcher in the Rye] Or each of you could read half.
[to D.J]
Kimmy: Hey, Deej, remember when Kathy Santoni and I split up Much Ado About Nothing?
D.J. Tanner: Yeah. She read Much Ado, and you read nothing.

Kimmy: D.J., what should I wear to the wedding? This dress with these shoes or this dress with these shoes?
D.J. Tanner: Kimmy, those are my clothes.
Kimmy: That's why I'm asking you.

D.J.: Dad, you've got to do something. Listen to my report card. It's so unfair.
D.J.: [reading her grades off her report card] A, A, A, A, A ...
Joey: How dare they? This is an outrage.

Daniel: Am I the raddest, baddest dad a kid ever had?
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: Right up until you said that.

D.J.: I'm skipping lunch, do you want my sandwich?
Kimmy: Sure.
[looks under the bread]
Kimmy: Ham again? I've been eating your lunch for 3 days now and every time, it's ham. Did your dad hit a pig with his car?

Danny: Okay girls. Lets pick a name for our new puppy. Michelle do you have a name for the puppy?
Michelle: Yes I do. Michelle.
Danny: That's your name.
Michelle: I like my name.
Steph: Mr. Bear and I have the perfect name. Mr.Dog!
D.J.: Mr.Dog? Steph when you have a kid someday what are you going to name it? Mr.Baby?
Steph: Not if its a girl.
Danny: I think we should name him something that fits his personality. Like... Puddles.
D.J.: Dad I have the perfect name! Comet. Because he's fast and he has a tail.
Danny: And he only hits the newspaper once every 76 years.

Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: [a loud sound comes from outside] What was that?
Steven: It was probably just the wind.
Stephanie: Just the wind? Just the wind? It's NEVER just the wind!

Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: Kimmy, I don't want to be seen together wearing the exact same pair of sunglasses.
Kimberly: Maybe we shouldn't be seen together at all.
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: Fine with me.
Kimberly: Fine with me.
Stephanie: Fine with me.

D.J.: Come here, Comet, look what I have for you, people food.
[gives him her sandwich]
D.J.: You're lucky, Comet, dogs don't have to wear bathing suits.

D.J.: You have the brain of a paramecium.
Steph: If I have the brain of a paramecium, then you have the brain of just one mecium.
D.J.: [to Jesse] There really is no way to beat her, is there?

[Walks into old, empty cabin]
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: Wow... it looks so different in here!
Michelle: You're right.
Stephanie: Well, that's cause we're not here right now.
Michelle: It feels like we're here.
Stephanie: [Frustrated] Fine we're here. Let's dump the bunny and LEAVE!

D.J. Tanner: Hi. Kimmy, I have a great idea for our senior class prank.
Kimmy: I'm all ears.
Jesse: Actually, you're all mouth.

D.J.: [Kimmy walks in while DJ is making a birthday card] Kimmy! You're not supposed to be in this room.
Steph: I've been telling her that for years.

Steve: Hey, hey, D.J. deserves all of the credit. Who else could thrown all this together in just 15 minutes?
[Everyone goes shockingly silent, with Steve trying to recover]
Steve: Uh, n-not-not that she did, but, um, let's say if she ever forgot your birthday, and, um, only had 15 minutes, she could have thrown this together.
Stephanie: Nice save. Not!
Kimmy: [Visibly hurt and embarrassed] Now I get it. This was a mercy party. You never planned anything. You forgot my birthday, didn't you?
D.J. Tanner: Kimmy, I-...
Kimmy: [to the rest of the Tanner Family] Thanks, everybody. At least, you tried. It's nice to know you all care about me, even though my best friend doesn't.
[Runs into the kitchen, headed for the back door]
D.J. Tanner: Kimmy.
[Running into the kitchen after Kimmy, who has run out on her "mercy" birthday party]
D.J. Tanner: Kimmy, I'm sorry.
Kimmy: Forget it! Don't you and your boyfriend have an anniversary to celebrate?
D.J. Tanner: I don't understand why you're so jealous of Steve.
Kimmy: [Turns around, much angrier] You think I'm jealous? You don't know me at all.
[She turns back around, walks out the back door, slamming the door behind her]
D.J. Tanner: [Danny comes into the kitchen] She left.
Danny: Can you blame her?
D.J. Tanner: I apologized. I mean, there is no law that says you have to throw your friend a birthday party.
Danny: Deej, it's not-it's not about a birthday party. You know, since Steve's been your boyfriend, I think Kimmy's been left out. You've been dating Steve for 6 months, but you've been friends with Kimmy for 6 years.
D.J. Tanner: 7. I think you're still blocking out 1989.
Danny: Look, Deej, in life, if your lucky, you wind up with a few really good friends. And for some reason, beyond my realm of my understanding, Kimmy is yours. Just like Joey and Jesse are mine. And with friends, you really have to come through for them. When I needed Joey and Jesse to raise you 3 girls, they were here in a second. Of course, they didn't know a diaper from a dinner napkin, which made for some pretty interesting meals, but they were here. And I'd have been there for them. And, uh, you ought to be there for Kimmy.
D.J. Tanner: I'll go next door and talk to her.
Danny: That's my girl.
[They hug]
Danny: Okay, you go talk to Kimmy and I'll go talk to Steve...
[Referring to the note Steve wrote to DJ in her bouquet of flowers]
Danny: ... Sugar Lips.
D.J. Tanner: [Walks outside the back door to find Kimmy still sitting in the Tanners' backyard] What are you doing here?
Kimmy: Well, I can't go home. My parents think you're throwing me a party. I'd look like a dork coming in at 8:30.
D.J. Tanner: [sighs] Kimmy, I'm really sorry I forgot your birthday. It was a lousy thing to do and I'll never forgive myself for hurting your feelings.
Kimmy: Never?
D.J. Tanner: Never.
Kimmy: Will it eat at you till you're tormented night and day, like my Dad after a batch of bad clams?
D.J. Tanner: Come on, Kimmy, don't put me through this.
Kimmy: You put me through the most humiliating night of my life. You forgot my birthday and you accuse me of being jealous of your boyfriend.
D.J. Tanner: I should have never said that.
Kimmy: That really hurt because I'm not jealous. Steve's a great guy and I'm happy for you. I just miss you. It's like you have a new best friend.
D.J. Tanner: Kimmy, you are my best friend and you always will be. There's so many things I can do with you that I could never do with Steve.
Kimmy: Like what?
D.J. Tanner: Like talk about Steve. Steve and I can't go through each other's closets. He has nothing in my size. Believe me, Kimmy, no one could take your place.
Kimmy: I guess I am one of a kind.
D.J. Tanner: Kimmy, you and I have been best friends since the day you moved next door. I wanna stay best friends forever.
Kimmy: You mean it?
[DJ nods]
Kimmy: Thanks, Deej.
[They hug]
D.J. Tanner: How about next Friday night, just you and me, we'll go out for your birthday?
Kimmy: Sounds great.
D.J. Tanner: Do you wanna go back to the party?
Kimmy: You think there's any hash-brown cake left?
D.J. Tanner: Oh, I can pretty much guarantee it.
[They head back inside]

Kimmy: Are you going to be a wimp your whole life? Don't you want to do something wild and unforgettable like your Uncle Jesse?
D.J. Tanner: Of course, but...
Kimmy: Well, we have a crane, we have Duane, we have your brain. Hey, that almost rhymes.
Duane: Heh. I guess.

D.J.: I'm older.
Steph: I'm younger.
D.J.: I'm taller.
Steph: I'm shorter.
D.J.: I'm smarter.
Steph: I'm... not falling for that.

Steph: [alarm clock goes off] What time is it?
D.J.: It's 3:47. I was born on this day at exactly 3:48.
Steph: [Surprised] You have an excellent memory.
D.J.: [gets out of bed and looks at her watch] 3, 2, 1, yes.
[looks in mirror]
D.J.: [Happy] I am now officially a teenager.
Steph: [Sarcastically] Well, pin a rose on your nose.
D.J.: [Excited] I gotta rest up for my party tonight. Oh, and don't forget, you're not invited.
Steph: [Disappointed] I liked you better when you were a kid.
D.J.: [Happy] Well, those days are over. You are now sharing a room with a sophisticated, mature young woman.
[gets into bed]
D.J.: [Cheering] I'M 13!
[bouncing in bed]
Steph: [sits up] Shhhhhh!

D.J. Tanner: [measuring Michelle's floor] Kimmy was right, there IS enough room for a hot tub in here.

D.J. Tanner: Is it just me, or is Dad worse than ever this year?
Joey: Hey, there's nothing wrong with your dad wanting to be a little clean.
[D.J. and Stephanie stares]
Joey: All right, wanting to be very clean.
[Jesse stares]
Joey: All right, he's a psycho with a dust mop!

Danny: [knocks] D.J. are you in there?
D.J.: Yeah one sec Dad!
[clears off pillows off of her bed, and pushes Kimmy under the covers]
Kimmy: Wahoo!
D.J.: Kimmy, we're going to play a little game okay? Whoever stays quietest the longest gets to lipwrestle with the captain of the football team!
Kimmy: Play ball!
D.J.: [pulls blanket over Kimmy's head] Come in!
Danny: [opens door] You're home early, how was the party?
D.J.: Oh, it was great! It was really good! We just didn't want to burn out on all the fun!
Danny: I'm glad you had a good time.
[Kimmy starts rolling around under the blankets]
Danny: That isn't the guy who created The Love Boat under there is it?
D.J.: No!
[stands up]
D.J.: Umm... actually it's Kimmy. She had a really big fight so I just told her she could sleep at our house!
Danny: Why couldn't she just have a really big fight with us and sleep at her own house?
D.J.: That's something to think about
[laughs nervously]
D.J.: You know I'm really tired from all that frat fun, I'll just see you in the morning.
Danny: Good night hun.
[leaves and closes door]
Kimmy: [Sits up in bed with the blanket still over her head] Hey! This party's too dark!
D.J.: [pulls the blanket off of Kimmy] Kimmy, the party's over, you got us kicked out. Just go to sleep okay?

D.J.: [Danny and Jesse are arguing] Hey, if you two won't behave, I'll turn this car right around and go straight home.
Danny: Sorry.
D.J.: Okay. Signal. Check my mirror. Look over my shoulder. And pull out into traffic for the very first time. I'm really driving!
Jesse: Pretty good, huh, Danny?
Danny: Yeah, I'm actually feeling good about this.
D.J.: Can I turn on the radio?
Danny,8283: No.

D.J. Tanner: [trying to entertain the kids, singing] Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is such a
[one kid dumps a bowl of pretzels on himself]
D.J. Tanner: nightmare... Dad! Joey! I'm dying out here!

[there's a car in the kitchen]
D.J.: Michelle, do you know how Joey's car got in here?
Michelle: Yes, I do.
D.J.: How?
Michelle: Through the window.

D.J.: Some people like chicken and some people like steak.
Kimmy: Are you calling me chicken?
D.J.: No! I'm just saying that people like different things. You can be steak.
Kimmy: Oh, so now I'm a pig?
D.J.: Kimmy, steak is made of cow.
Kimmy: A cow? That's the final insult!

Kimmy: Last night I dreamt I was driving this big, white porcelain bus.
D.J.: That was because you had your head in the toilet throwing up every half hour.
Kimmy: Oh, so that's why every time I hit the turn signal, I heard a flush.

Daniel: How's the homework coming?
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: Great! I just made $60,000.
Joseph: Doing homework? All I got was just a little happy face.

Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: You're not going.
Stephanie: What are you talking about?
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: I'm sorry, I can't let you go.
Stephanie: Gia, tell the guys to hang. I'll be right out.
Gia: I thought you said your sister was cool.
Stephanie: She USED to be.

D.J.: [Danny is teaching D.J. to drive his car] Okay, car on.
[starts engine]
Danny: Whoa, whoa, aren't you forgetting something?
D.J.: Oh, yeah. Radio on.
[turns on radio; classical music plays]
D.J.: Ooh, Dad.
[changes station to rock]
D.J.: [Danny turns off radio] Dad, I have to learn to drive with music like any normal person.
Danny: I don't want you driving like a normal person. I want you driving like me.

[first lines]
Jesse: OK girls, now remember! When my grandparents step off the plane, we're gonna say welcome to America! In Greek. OK now, what're we gonna say?
D.J.,112645: Welcome to America! In Greek.

D.J. Tanner: Stef, let's try to talk about something else besides Mr. Bear.
Stephanie: Okay, let's talk about Joey. Why did he give away Mr. Bear?