The Best Deborah Vance Quotes

Deborah: [dealing with a hostile lesbian audience during a performance on the cruise ship] Hey, you there in the second row. I mean, would you date me? I mean, you're reading a book.
Doris: Um, actually, I'm married to the captain.
Deborah: The captain. Oh, God. Bring him out. I love a man in uniform.
Doris: She's a woman.
Deborah: The captain's a woman? Oh, God. Hope we don't have to parallel park this thing.

Deborah: [responding to Ava's questioning her appearance at a pizza parlor's grand opening] A gig's a gig, honey.
Deborah: [then greeting her fan club waiting outside the pizza parlor] Hello! My Little Debbies!

[Deborah is onstage in the middle of her rant against the club's sexist comic-owner/master of ceremonies, who is standing among the audience]
Deborah: I don't know your set, but I am sure that you have nothing to say that hasn't already been said on this stage a million times. When will you just stop? Seriously, what will it take to make you just stop?
Drew: Sixty-nine million. Right?
[audience laughs]
Deborah: Yeah. Man, he's clever. Well, no, I'm not gonna do that, but how about - one point sixty-nine million?
[audience gasps]
Deborah: I'm not joking. You're all my witnesses. I will write this man a check, if he swears never to set foot in a comedy club ever again. You think he should take the deal?

[Deborah laments not being able to find casino work on The Strip in Las Vegas]
Ava: I thought you said the MGM was interested.
Deborah: [sighs] Well, they're not. I should have... just retired and gone out on top.
Ava: [laughing] Who are you kidding? You could never retire. You're gonna be up on that stage until you die. At 109.

Deborah: [phone call] I've been trying you. Your assistant said you're at anger management?
Jimmy: She's not supposed to tell people that, but yes. It's horrible. Russell Crowe is my accountability partner.
Deborah: Does he scream a lot?
Jimmy: Worse. He just whispers. Pretty sure he's a climate terrorist because he talks a lot about "finding the oil men in their homes."

Deborah: Do yourself a favor. Take the afternoon off and get your tubes tied.

Deborah: [Deborah wants to sell her L.A. mansion] I'd love to sell it. It's been on the market for over a decade, but my asshole neighbors have tanked my property value. Built a goddamn treehouse that blocked the gorgeous view, which was the whole appeal!
Ava: Isn't the appeal that it's the castle from "Beauty and the Beast"?

ER: Do you have any drugs in your system? Deborah Vance. Marijuana. A. Marijuana, yeah, marijuana. ERD. Wow. A. Yeah. ERD. Sounds fun. A. Yeah. ERD. Sounds like you're dehydrated. A. No. No, I drink, like, a glass of water a month. I'm always dehydrated. This is way worse. It-I think it's my appendix. ERD.
[chuckles]
ER: Miss, I know everyone has the internet now but leave the diagnosis to me, hm? All right? You just need fluids. DV. Hey, listen to her, you little prick. You're gonna examine her appendix then do a scan, and you're gonna do it quickly. I am very litigious. And I would love nothing more than to bury you in more debt than medical school ever could. ERD. RogerLynn, let's get a CT scan on Miss Daniels, please.
Ava: Uh, cocaine, uh, molly...
Deborah: Marijuana.
Ava: Marijuana, yeah, marijuana.
ER: Wow.
Ava: Yeah.
ER: Sounds fun.
Ava: Yeah.
ER: Sounds like you're dehydrated.
Ava: No. No, I drink, like, a glass of water a month. I'm always dehydrated. This is way worse. It - I think it's my appendix.
ER: [chuckles] Miss, I know everyone has the internet now but leave the diagnosis to me, hm? All right? You just need fluids.
Deborah: Hey, listen to her, you little prick. You're gonna examine her appendix then do a scan, and you're gonna do it quickly. I am very litigious. And I would love nothing more than to bury you in more debt than medical school ever could.
ER: RogerLynn, let's get a CT scan on Miss Daniels, please.

Ava: [lamenting the controversial joke she wrote] I guess I crossed a line or whatever.
Deborah: Oh, honey, no. There is no line. It's just not funny. I mean, you should be blacklisted for how bad that joke is.

[last lines]
Deborah: [speaking to Ava as they leave Deborah's mansion] Hope you don't mind a little blood. Let's go! Move your ass!

Deborah: [stranded in the desert, Deborah phones a friend] Danny. Danny, hi. It's Deborah Vance. Hi, baby. I've got a flat, and I need to get to my show. Yeah, I need a ride. Can you pick me up? Ugh! You're a sweetheart. Okay, I'm on Las Vegas Boulevard about um, 15 minutes north of Primm. You'll see me!

DJ: [holding up a necklace for her mother to see] It screams D'Jewelry. Don't you agree?
Deborah: It does. It does.
DJ: Okay.
Deborah: Are you putting an apostrophe in that word? I forget.
DJ: Yeah, Deh
[makes hand motion and clicking sound, indicating punctuation]
DJ: Jewelry.