Top 50 Quotes From Howard Caine

Major: Schweinhund! Schweinhund! Schweinhund! Schweinhund!

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: [after realizing that he was duped into thinking Klink was an enemy spy in disguise] How do you volunteer for the Eastern Front?
General: No problem. I'll have you there by tomorrow.

[repeated line]
Major: Who is this man and what is he doing here!

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Klink! isn't this man ever locked up?

Cpl. Louis LeBeau: You're wasting your time, Major Hochstetter. You're not gonna get anything out of me.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: I haven't asked you anything yet.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: All you're gonna get is my name, rank and serial number.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: And a dancing lesson.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: A dancing lesson?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: And if you ever tell anyone, I will have you kept in this cooler for a year.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Under the Geneva Convention, I don't have to teach you to dance.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: [draws gun, pointing it to LeBeau's head] Take your choice, huh: waltz, foxtrot, or shot as an escaping prisoner.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Foxtrot.

Colonel: I shall be back, Klink, and you will save yourself pain by having a confession ready.
[Klink reaches to open Feldkamp's car door but Feldkamp slaps it away and opens it himself. Klink shuts it for him. Klink salutes sadly and Feldkamp's car drives off]
General: He does not deceive me, Klink. He is in league with you. I shall return.
[Klink reaches to open von Kattenhorn's car door but von Kattenhorn slaps it away and opens it himself. Klink shuts it for him. Klink salutes sadly and von Kattenhorn's car drives off]

Major: [repeated line, whenever Col. Hogans shows up] What is this man doing here?

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: You have been running a country home for prairie dogs. They dig while you sleep.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Colonel Hogan, of the eight men I captured, one talked. He claimed they were all heading for Stalag 13. Would you have any idea why?
Col. Hogan: Bad sense of direction.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Are you aware that, last Monday night, an American plane dropped a bomb on Gestapo headquarters? Demolished the building, wiped out the garrison, killed Kommandant Hedrick, knocked the Fuhrer's picture off the wall and everything.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: No, sir. I was playing pinochle with Captain Broomschmeel.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: It was a great personal loss to me.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: It was a great personal loss to me. He took me for 50 marks.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: [about Klink] Every year that man lives takes at least a century of the thousand year Reich!

General: We just want to ask you a few question, Sgt. Schultz.
Sgt. Schultz: Forgive me, sir. Private Schultz.
Maj. Hochstetter: Private?
General: Back to private? When did this happen?
Sgt. Schultz: Shortly after I fell through the Colonel's bedroom door. Very shortly after.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Klink, your prisoners walk around with guns?

Maxwell: Now remember doctor, I want you to wipe everything from your memory.
Dr. Fish: Wipe everything from my memory. Eh... even my twelve dollars?
Maxwell: Especially your twelve dollars.

[last lines]
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Now, Klink, I'm going to try and be calm about this. I want you to tell me in your own words exactly how did the radio detector truck get put out of action?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Major Hochstetter, you won't believe this.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: TRY ME!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: It was a million-to-one shot that the candles would have hit the truck.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What candles?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: The candles from the birthday cake.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Birthday cake? IN THE MIDDLE OF WORLD WAR II YOU GIVE YOURSELF A BIRTHDAY PARTY?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, no. It wasn't for me.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: The party was for me, sir.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: YOU GIVE A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR A PRISONER?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Oh, no, no. My men gave it to me. I'm sorry you missed it, Major, it was a great party. I saved you some cake.
[Hogan pulls out two pieces of cake from behind his back]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, thank you, Hogan. Thank you.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Klink. You are succeeding in doing, by yourself, WHAT MILLIONS OF ENEMY SOLDIERS ARE UNABLE TO DO: BRING THE THIRD REICH TO ITS KNEES!
[walks towards door, gives his classical]
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: BAH!
[slams door shut]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Party pooper.
[Hogan and Klink then eat their pieces of cake]

Major: Everybody under arrest!

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: It is about his defense counsel. Colonel Hauptmann is a very lucky man.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Who's defending him?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Colonel Wilhelm Klink.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Klink?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Klink?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Klink?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: You don't mean our Klink. I mean, the Klink here - you don't mean him.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Ja, Kommandant Klink, a man who could have been great, except he wasn't very good.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [Hochstetter is placing TNT in Klink's cells/cooler] But you're using the cooler to store it.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: You have no prisoners in there. You run such a perfect camp, Klink, you have no need for a cooler.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: You cannot use it, and that's final.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: You have one simple alternative, Commandant. You can transfer to a frontline combat unit.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: My cooler is your cooler.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: [hangs up the telephone] We've got him. We've got him.
General: We've got who?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Nimrod.
General: Nimrod? That British agent?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Ja, that's right. The most wanted man in Germany and we've got him. No, we don't got him. They got him. But we can still get him.
General: What are you babbling about?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: That phone call. It was a message. - Oh, excuse me a moment, general.
[reads the lines he wrote down]
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: "Mairzy Doats, Little Boy Blue. Mairzy Doats, Little Boy Blue."
[eats the paper]
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: I realize this is hard to believe, general, but Klink-...
General: HOCHSTETTER! Take that paper out of your mouth.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: [slowly removed the paper from his mouth] Sorry, general. I got so excited. This news has me so excited. Here, read this.
General: You read it to me, please, major.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Well, it's in code. It's some kind of instructions fro Nimrod. I'll call headquarters and have them send over a cryptologist. No, wait a minute. I'm a cryptologist. I was the top man in my unit. This is no trick at all.
[slide, Klink's desk is full of curdled-up papers]
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: I got it. I told you. Didn't I tell you I could break this code.
General: For two hours you have been telling me that.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What they're using here i a variation on the old Fessenhoffer Cipher. Basic vowel substitutes. A becomes E if followed by P. When preceded by U, then E becomes B and U becomes P and sometimes Y except afert C. However, what they've done here-...
General: Just read the message.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: The message is: "I am foul. Lurch let in cragnik."
General: This is the message? Obviously, it's not the code.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Ja, that's not the code... Oh, it's the old double-look method. I will crack this in no time at all.
General: Why don't you call headquarters and let them send over an expert. This whole thing doesn't makes sense. The idea of Klink being a British agent is ridiculous.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Ja, I could not believe it myself. But you were here. You heard the phone ring. You saw me write down the message. So you know I'm not crazy.
General: Yes, I heard the phone ring, I heard you say Mairzy Doats, and I watched you eat a wad of paper.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Yes, that does it. I've taken all the necessary precautions. In a few minutes Nimrod will be my prisoner.
General: It just doesn't seem possible. How I could have been so fooled by Klink.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Oh, Nimrod is a very brilliant man.
General: Yes, but Klink is such a stupid one.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: That is where he was truly brilliant. You only thought he was stupid.
General: EVERYBODY THOUGHT HE WAS STUPID!

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Now, Klink, last night, not too far from here, a convoy was blown up, almost totally destroyed. These lines are drawn from the points where the sabotage has taken place. Now, Klink, where do these lines cross?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Stalag 13.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: How do you explain this, Klink?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Well, we are centrally located.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: You, *raus*!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: No, me Hogan.
[Hochstetter pulls out gun]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Me leaving.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Perfect! It's going like clockwork.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: We must have a car waiting to take Baumann to the airfield.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, I'll arrange that. You can depend on me, Major.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: I will arrange it. I'd rather depend on me.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Well, now that you mention it, so would I.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: [after being made a joke] Klink, you are the Kommandant here. Do you allow this sort of thing?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: The men responsible for this will be confined to barracks for two weeks.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's cruel and inhuman punishment.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Klink, a German officer has been insulted.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: All potato rations are cut in half for ten days.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's a terrible thing to do.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Do you consider this adequate punishment, Kom-man-dant?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: The Ping-Pong tournament is canceled.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Now, that's the worst blow of all.

Maj. Hochstetter: Exactly what time did this happen?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: About 11 o'clock. That's about right, isn't it, Schultz?
Sgt. Schultz: Three minutes after.
Maj. Hochstetter: Three minutes after? You just happened to look at you watch, huh?
Sgt. Schultz: No sir, I happened to sit on it. It stopped at the very time.

[last lines]
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Berlin is calling every minute. "What happened to the Duke of York?" NOTHING IS WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DUKE OF YORK!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Bad scene, Major.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Hogan, I will not go down alone. If my head is to roll, all heads will roll.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Except, Major, I quite clearly had no part in this whole affair. Therefore...
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: All heads will roll!
Col. Wilhelm Klink: All heads will roll, that's quite democratic.
Marya: Poor Putzie. So handsome and so unlucky.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Traitors, all of you. I fully intend... Hogan, why are you so composed?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, it's obvious, Major. You've already figured how to turn this to your advantage.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: I have?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: He has?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Of course. The ultimate weapon didn't quite work out. But the Major has a plan to cripple the entire Russian rocket program.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: He has?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Go on, Hogan.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're pulling my leg. You're not arranging right now for Zagoskin to escape to Russia? Of course you are. He'll do for them what he's done for you. That's worthy of Himmler himself, Major.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Hogan, I...
Marya: Major Hochstetter is a genius, Putzie. He has saved us all.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Ja, I believe I have.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're still going to send me home, aren't you?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Of course not. Take him away, Klink. Back to Stalag 13.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Schultz, take him away.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Cruel, sir, cruel.
Marya: Sensational.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Adequate.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Hogan? Since when is he running this prison camp?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Let me see. It was three years ago, in November I think.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Klink, I am convinced they are still in this camp.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: And I believe they sneaked out somehow.
Sgt. Schultz: Herr Kommandant, I agree with the Major. I think they are still here.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: I may have to come over to your side, Klink.

Major: Repeated line over many episodes: Angrily pointing at Hogan, "What is this man doing here?"

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Heil Lily!... um, Hitler.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Speak up, Schultz.
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Well Colonel Hogan asked me if he could leave the camp tonight again to see the baroness.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What did you tell him?
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I said, Yes. Kommandant Klink's orders.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: You fool! I warned you not to listen to me unless I tell you to.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Of course, we could give you the time to think it over in a special cell we have. It's not big enough to stand up in, and it is not big enough to lie down in.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Sounds like a hotel room I once had in Cleveland.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: During the days, the temperature is 140 degrees, and at night, it is below freezing.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's the hotel, all right.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Then, if you still won't talk, you will be starved, tortured and then shot. Well, Colonel, what you say, hmm?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: What can I say? You've made me homesick for Cleveland.

Colonel: And I assure you, Klink, zhat my investigation of zis matter shall be complete and most r-r-r-r-r-rigor-r-rous.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: So you are all under arrest.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: You're a little late, my friend.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Major, this happens to be Tuesday.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: [sarcastically] Oh, thank you very much.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I distinctly told you Wednesday, not Tuesday.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: You think I listen to what you say? You might as well have said Friday, for all I care.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I never said anything about Friday.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: [annoyed] I didn't say you said anything about Friday.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [annoyed] Now tell me: was it Tuesday or was it Wednesday? Be honest!
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Honest with you? You don't even know how to spell the word.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Ha. Coming from the Gestapo, that sounds very funny. Now you may leave anytime, and take your spy, Private Berger, with you!
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What spy?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [shouting] And more, I wanna tell you...
[Klink and Hochstetter shout into each other, so you can barely understand what they're shouting]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [Interrupting] Hold it!
[Normal tone of voice]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: You make me feel terrible.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, it's true, we dug the tunnel and tried to escape. But, that's not the worst thing we did.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan. What else did you do?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I broke up a beautiful friendship.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: You will all stay away from that rocket. Did you hear me? What is going on there? Back, back, all of you. Back!
General: Who are you?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Major Hochstetter, Herr General, in charge of security here, and you're all much too close to this rocket.
General: My dear Major, there is no danger of it firing...
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Firing? Who's worried about firing? I'm worried about spying.
General: Are you aware that I am in charge of this project, and that this is the inventor?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: [Zagoskin hands him his notebook] Until I clear you, you will please stop inventing.
[points at Marya]
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Who is that woman?
General: She is my interpreter, Hochstetter.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Yes, Major Hochstetter. And I believe a full corporal.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What is this bungler doing here?
General: Responsible for the security of our witness.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: *I am responsible for security here!* What witness?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Hi there.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What is this man doing here?
General: Hochstetter, I am in charge of this project. And I am operating *under direct authority of the German General Staff*.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Traitors, all of them. What is this man doing here?
General: I *am in charge of security*...
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: *What is this man doing here?*
General: He is our witness.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Witness? You have chosen the most dangerous man in all of Germany as a witness. The Gestapo is taking over. I will surround this camp with a ring of steel. Anyone within a hundred yards of this rocket will be shot and reshot.

General: Klink and my sister were practically engaged.
Major: Oh. That would be reasonable motivation for suicide.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Who is zis man?

Major: If this is a trick, heads will roll. Even if this is not a trick, heads will roll!

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Until we catch those traitors, Stalag 13 will be under Gestapo control. No one in or out without my permission.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Uh, what about me?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: You may come and go as you please, Kommandant. Hopefully, you will go.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: The Gestapo never arrests the wrong man. It is against the rules.

Capt. Roberts: I went on a recon mission along the French Coast. Got a look at their fortifications.
Col. Hogan: That's when they got you.
Capt. Roberts: Right. Two Messerschmitts came up and had a proper go at us and blasted our port engine. I had to bail out. I hadn't a prayer on the ground. They nabbed me straight away.
Col. Hogan: How long were you in Stalag 9?
Capt. Roberts: Oh, roughly two months I'd say. They behaved decently enough. Jolly strenuous.
Col. Hogan: Interrogation?
Capt. Roberts: Days of it. Weeks, in fact. They never gave me a moment of privacy. They took pictures of me... recorded my voice while they questioned me.
Col. Hogan: Recorded your voice, why?
Capt. Roberts: Haven't the foggiest, old boy. You know the way the kraut's are- sticklers for details, never miss a trick.
Col. Hogan: Yeah, I know.
[gets up from his chair and searches for a hidden microphone]
Capt. Roberts: What are you doing?
Col. Hogan: Oh, nothing. Just stretching.
[motions for Roberts to keep talking]
Capt. Roberts: Well, um, how are you getting on here at Stalag 13?
Col. Hogan: [sarcastically] Oh, deliriously happy.
Capt. Roberts: I must say, it's rather a grubby looking place.
Col. Hogan: I did ask for a POW camp on the French Riviera, but they couldn't get me a reservation. Seems they, uh, they were all full up for the season.
Capt. Roberts: All full up for the season? Hmm. That's jolly good.
[Col. Hogan finds a microphone hidden in the curtain puller]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [eavesdropping on the conversation in his office] Our little plan seems to be going very well.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Our little plan?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Ah, the Gestapo is most efficient, I always say.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Thank you, Klink. Now be quiet.
Col. Hogan: Well, Robbie, I guess I'll be going along.
Capt. Roberts: Well, awfully decent of you to stop by.
Col. Hogan: I'll try to stop by again tomorrow if the krauts let me.
Capt. Roberts: Jolly good.
Col. Hogan: So long.
[closes the door to make it seem like he's leaving. They quietly walk over to the microphone hidden in the curtain, and Col. Hogan covers it with his hand and shoulder]
Col. Hogan: Krauts are up to something big, and I think it may involve you. What'd they question you about at Stalag 9?
Capt. Roberts: Everything. They know I'm Air Mashall staff, and that I attend briefings they give about Winston.
Col. Hogan: Very convenient. They fell all over themselves, giving me permission to see you. And alone. Again, why?
Capt. Roberts: That's anybody's guess.
Col. Hogan: Time to stop guessing and find out.
[carefully slides the microphone back in place]

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: I am sure it's not necessary to tell you what will happen to you should there be an escape, hmm?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: An escape from Stalag 13? That's a good one.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: You will be shot.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: That's another good one.

[repeated line, indicating Colonel Hogan]
Major: WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: The execution takes place tomorrow as scheduled.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: And then Wagner's brother shoots Colonel Klink. Now come on General think of how long you've know Colonel Klink. Think of the things you two have been through together.
General: If I do, I'm liable to shoot him myself.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Ah, Major Hochstetter, always a pleasure to see your smiling face. Uh, did you come on military business, or is this a social call?
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: What is it at your camp, Klink? Everybody thinks I'm a social butterfly.

Eva: [Being shown a picture of Sgt. Schultz] It should not be difficult, this one looks stupid.
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Why not? He studied under Colonel Klink.

Maj. Hochstetter: This was found less than a hundred yards from the Dorfmann bridge. Do you know what this is, Colonel?
Col. Klink: Mm-hmm, it's a button.
Maj. Hochstetter: I know it's a button! What does it say on the button?
Col. Klink: "Us".
Maj. Hochstetter: Not "Us", U.S.
Col. Klink: Ohhhh.

General: Colonel Hogan is leaving.
[Schultz shakes Colonel Hogan's hand]
General: DUMMKOPF!
Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: GET HIM OUT OF HERE! RAUS! RAUS! RAUS!
[Colonel Hogan leaves]
Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [opens the door] AND STAY OUT!

[repeated line]
Colonel: Who iss this man?

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: There is something afoot here, Klink. I smell it.