50 Best Joe Dirt Quotes

Chemistry: If my calculations are correct, this will create ice... OH NO, KILLER MUSTARD GAS!

Joe: Why don't you go practice fallin' down? I'll be there in a minute.
Railroad: You wanna fight you little queer?
Joe: Queer? Is this queer? These queer?
[slapping muscles]
Joe: What's up? What's up?

Joe: You guys got somethin' to say to me? Why don't you say it in the microphone. I got a backup mike right here. Check one two, testing, testing. Yup, they both workin' and guess what? They don't like no feedback, what's up?

Joe: Life's a garden, dig it.

Joe: People say Joe Dirt's a weird name, and how cool am I.

Meteor: Well, it ain't a meteor.
Joe: Yeah, it is. It came out of the sky.
Meteor: Well I'm sure it did but it ain't no meteor. It's a big ol' frozen chunk o' shit.
Joe: What?
Meteor: Oh yeah, see them airplanes they dump their toilets 36,000 feet. The stuff freezes and falls to earth. We call 'em Boeing bombs.
[chomps teeth]
Joe: No, that can't be. That's not what it is.
Meteor: Oh, afraid so. See that peanut? Dead giveaway.
Joe: Uhhh, no, that's a space peanut.
Meteor: No, afraid not. That just a big ol' frozen chunk of poopy.
Studio manager: Dude, you were eating off it!

Joe: Comin' to work. Joe Deertay.
KXLA: Don't try and church it up son. Don't you mean Joe Dirt? Naming you that your father must've really hated you.
Joe: You're wrong brother.
KXLA: I got a good name for this car, rusty.
Joe: Shit'll buff out.
KXLA: Don't bother, just drive this piece of crap off a cliff. Do us all a favor.
Joe: Does this look like a piece of crap to you? Like them spinnin' tires do you?
KXLA: You suck!
Joe: You do!

Zander: Now, you're telling me you were so ingrained with white trash DNA, your facial hair actually grows in on its own all white trashy like that?

Zander: Don't you get it? Stinky stuff is your milieu. Okay? This is your deal. You are an underachievement nexus of the universe.

Clem: Hey! You're talking to my guy all wrong. It's the wrong tone. Do it again, I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron.

Zander: God Almighty, from inbred heaven? Hey freak boy, 1976 called. It wants its hairstyle back.

Railroad: Oh - it's *so* flat!

[Trying to scrape Charlie the dog's testicles off the frozen porch]
Joe: Now, this ain't no flapjack, so I'm gonna be real careful, I won't look.

Miss: Well, the puke pile's over there. It's a pretty big pile of puke.

Joe: [talking to himself while brushing hair in the mirror] People like that security guard. They don't really mean what they say. They just got their own issues and what not. Alls I got to do is keep bein' a good person. No matter what, good things'll come my way. Everything's gonna happen for me, just so long as I never have no in my heart.
[toilet flushes and man walks out of stall. Joe looks down awkwardly]
Joe: Right on. Things are gonna happen for me! I'm Joe Dirt!

Robby: [Robby's car sprays Joe with rocks] Oh, Dirt, did I getcha?
Joe: No, I'm cool.
Robby: No, you're not.

[when the dog starts humping Little Joe's leg]
Little: Can I Push him off of me?
Joe: He'll stop humping as soon as he's done.

Joe: Well, I see you got those snakes and sparklers. But where's the good stuff man?
Kicking: Good stuff? This is the good stuff, snakes and sparklers.
Joe: Are you nuts dude? You need stuff that'll explode. Go *boom*!
Kicking: Why is that good?
Joe: Well, huh, might as, might as well ask why is a tree good? Why is the sunset good? Why are boobs good? Man, firecrackers, ya stick 'em in mailboxes, you drop 'em in toilets, shove 'em up bullfrogs asses.

Joe: Things are gonna happen for me, I'm Joe Dirt.

Zander: What's the story here, I'm a white trash idiot?

Joe: Luckily, my neck broke my fall.

Joe: Well today I'm gonna be pickin' up my Hemi Roadrunner. That's right, I said Hemi.
Jill: Wow. A Hemi. Balls to the Wall.
Joe: Yep, left it at a friend's house.
[under his breath]
Joe: Actually, it got towed away two years ago.
[normal voice]
Joe: But I'm pickin' it up this afternoon. I might need a pretty little lady to sit in the front seat while I break her in. The car I mean. So what do you say?
Jill: That's a big ten-four.

Joe: And you'll be sticking your head out the window and check out chic dogs saying 'what's up, baby?'

Joe: There are three rules when dealin' with a deadly alligator. And yes, they are deadly, don't kid yaself. Rule number one, I'm number one. Ya hear that, I like ta kid around. Rule two, the croc's number two. Now before I begin...
Kid: Hey, what's rule three?
Joe: What's that? Kid, give me a break now.
Kid: So you don't know rule three?
Joe: Yeah, you want a match? My face and your ass! How 'bout that friend? Huh? I mean, your ass and my face, what's up?
Joe: Here we go, I'm a bit of a crocophile, so don't try this at home. This here's Rocky, and he ain't no puppy. Now, let's see if Rocky's got some cavities.
[Joe opens Rocky's mouth]
Joe: This mofo knows not to mess with Sir Joseph Dirt.
[Joe puts his head inside Rocky's mouth, then screams as Rocky moves his head up and down thrashing Joe around]
Joe: [Rocky throws Joe out of his mouth as crowd laughs and cheers] Oh, when bad pets go bad, dang.
Joe: [Babbling nonsensically] It's like the cartoons, I'm seein' all "tweet tweet".
Charlene the Gator Farmer: Joe, what can I do fa you? Ya not makin' any sense.
Joe: Not makin'? Not makin'?
[Flashback to Joe's little sister in the car on their way to the Grand Canyon]
Joe's: That's why Dad named you Joe Dirt instead of Nunamaker.
[echoes]
Joe: Nunamaker! Nunamaker! That's what my sister said on the way to the Grand Canyon! My last name's Dirt, her last name's Nunamaker! That's my parents' last name!

Joe: Well, I was born without the top of my skull and I guess a little bit of my brains was showin' and it was grossin' everybody out so my mom put this wig on me to cover it up and then the bones grew together and it got all infused and entwined. I mean I don't mean to get all scientific with you...

Joe: I got the poo on me!

Joe: Right on. You're Joe Meteorite and I'm Joe Dirt.

Joe: So you're gonna tell me that you don't have no black cats, no Roman Candles, or screaming mimis?
Kicking: No.
Joe: Oh come on, man. You got no lady fingers, fuzz buttles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippity do das, or crap flappers?
Kicking: No, I don't.
Joe: You're gonna stand there, ownin' a fireworks stand, and tell me you don't have no whistlin' bungholes, no spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker don'ts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistlin' kitty chaser?
Kicking: No... because snakes and sparklers are the only ones I like.
Joe: Well that might be your problem, it's not what you like, it's the consumer.

Robby: Def Leppard sucks!

Joe: [Facing mirror] She's your sister dude she's gotta be and you made out with her man! What's wrong with you, you pervert!
[turns away from mirror]
Joe: Well I didn't know she was my sister when I kissed her, so it's not my fault. And she's one of the hottest girls on the planet.
[turns back to mirror]
Joe: You just said your sister's hot! What a fuhreak! You're goin' to hell man!
[turns away from mirror]
Joe: I gotta tell her what happened, why I got weird. And for god sakes, I gotta treat her like a sister.
[next scene, you hear them having sex]

Joe: My name is Joe Dirte, I added an e to the end, cause it sounds cool.

Joe: [Narrating] I checked my list of Rambler Wagons, and there it was: Nunamaker. Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I was finally home.
Joe: [Joe comes up to his childhood house only to find it's been condemned] Sir? Hey mister! You know the people who live here, Nunamaker?
Old: [In a thick Cajun accent] They move!
Joe: W-what's that?
Old: Move! They move! 'bout... 15 yea' ago. Had a lil' boy. Had same kinda haircut you got na'.
[laughs]
Old: God da', you outta date, boy.
Joe: Yeah, man, that little boy, that's me. My parents were-this was my home. I though this was it this time.
Old: Nah, home is where you make it.
Joe: Ya like to see homos naked?
Old: [repeats phrase, this time with a firmer tone of voice] Home is where you *make it*.
Joe: You like to see homos naked, that's cool man, whatever.
Old: No no no no. Home is where you *make it*. Home, where you make it.
Joe: Oh.
Old: Ev'body know dat. Goddamn, boy.
[He walks away]
Joe: Guy likes to see homos naked, that doesn't help me.

Joe: Hey man, you done with that apple core?
Bondi: [farts] I'm done with that fart. You want that?
Joe: Maybe if it came out of Charlene Tilton's ass I'd take a bite.
Bondi: Yeah, you probably like JR you queer. I saw your bumper sticker: Cowboy's Butts Drive Me Nuts!
Joe: Is that right? You think that's queer? Is this queer?
[slapping muscles]
Joe: They're large and in charge and lookin' for chickies.
Bondi: You wanna back that up?
Joe: You wanna fight? Why don't you stick your head up my butt and fight for air.
Bondi: That's it. You and me, let's go.
Joe: You know I'd love to beat your ass all up and down this place but I gotta go back to work.
Oil: Joe Dirt, your fired. Here's your week's pay.
Joe: Dang.

Robby: [Referring to Joe's Roadrunner] Least I know my car will blow his off the road!
Charlene the Gator Farmer: You really think you can match that slant 6 of yours against this 426 hemi? Huh? Well then let's do it little boy!
Clem: That's my girl!
Robby: Let's rock, Dirt-boy!
Joe: Let's go!
Robby: [Joe speeds off, leaving Robby in his dust] Damn.

Joe: Buffalo Bob's kind of a weird name, but people say Joe Dirt's a weird name and how cool am I?
Joe: [talking to Buffalo Bob] Hey to tell you the truth brother, between you and me, that thing with the dog is comin' off a little fruit-y. I mean that's just me talkin'. Hey, where's my supplies?
Buffalo: [frustrated] Oh, for Christ's sake!
[Shoving down a basket]
Buffalo: Here!
Joe: [squeal of delight] Wee, Auto Trader. Ooh August, I don't got this one.

Joe: [tearfully] Why did you do that to me? I was only eight years old - I was just a little kid. Do you have any idea what it's like to be a kid and have nobody around to talk to? No one that cares if you're alive or dead? Every day you just think you're worthless and there's a void in your life?
Joe's: [chuckles] Oh, come on, honey.
Joe's: Lighten up, buddy.
[Joe goes real upset]
Joe's: [takes a clown figurine] Lose that frown. When you're down, stare at a clown.
[Joe stands up and takes it]
Joe's: That's right, boy.
Joe's: [hits him] Hey, sit down! Sit down! You're blocking the cameras! The cameras can't see!
Joe's: Move over a bit!
Joe: [angrily breaks the clown to the wall] I don't care about that! AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT THIS!
Joe's: Hey! What the hell are you doing?
[Joe walks up and kicks down a shelf of clowns destroying them all]
Joe: [leaves in tears] And I don't want to see you for another 25 years!
Reporter: [leaves with the crew] Joe, wait!
Joe's: My God! Oh, my clowns! Look at my clowns! I wish he never found us! Look what he did to my children! Oh, no! Hey! Hey, TV people! Hey, TV people!
Joe's: Hey, you're grounded! Where are you all going? Hey, come on! You don't have to follow him just because he's going!

Old: [In a muffled back water accent] Home is where you make it.
Joe: What?
Old: Home is where you make it.
Joe: You like to see homos naked?
Old: Home is where you make it.
Joe: Oh.
[Walks away]
Joe: Guy likes to see homos naked, that doesn't help me.

Joe: You wanna fight? Why don't you stick your head up my ass and fight for air?

Zander: What's the deal with your hair? You doing stunt work for Billy Ray Cyrus?

[Joe falls off a swing]
Joe: And at that moment I thought I might just lie there and never get up. I would just sit there and rot there, but then I looked up and saw the moon and got this weird feeling that Brandi was looking up at that same moon. Then I realized I had a home all along, in Silvertown.

Joe: Keep on, keepin' on

Clem: [talking to fire extinguisher] You're talking to me all wrong... It's the wrong tone. You do it again and I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron. Hey, tell me, does your mother sew? BOOM. Get her to sew that!

Buffalo: It puts the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again.

Joe: If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Jill: Sure will. Do you wanna go back to my place?
Joe: Sure do.

Joe: This croc ain't no puppy.

Studio manager: Hey Joe, did you use the one with the tiny scrubbing bubbles?
Joe: They clean the bowl so you don't have toooooooooooo! Hehehe, no I didn't.

Zander: Bob Seger? Come on, back then you were listenin' to Leif Garrett. It was probably more like this...
[flashback to a young Joe Dirt dancing to a Leif Garrett song]
Joe: Hell no, man I don't listen to that crap! I'm a rocker, dude through and through. Here's my favorite bands: AC/DC, Van Halen, not Van Hagar, Skynyrd, Def Lep.

Joe: The guy doing the police sketches thought I was messing with him because my dad came out looking like Father Time and my mom came out looking too butch and looking way too much like Richard Ramirez. You know the Night Stalker, remember him?

Joe: [after finally finding his parents] I - I - I don't mean to interrupt your clown pitch there, but - but how exactly do you not go right back to the place where you saw me?
[the news crew goes baffled]
Joe's: [sarcastically] Hey! How exactly is a rainbow made? How exactly does a sun set? How exactly does a posi-trac rear-end on a Plymouth work? It just does.
[guffaws]
Joe's: It just does.
Joe: [sternly] I'm not talking about a posi-trac; I'm talking about me. How long did you look for me before you gave up? How lone were you riding in that car before you realized I wasn't in it? Exactly how long?
[a few seconds of silence]
Joe's: All right! We didn't lose him; we just left him. So what? The dude's doing fine! Look at him!
[guffaws again]
Joe's: He look good.

Joe: Is this where you want to be when Jesus comes back, making fun of poor little Joe Dirt