The Best Liz Wendell Quotes

Heather: There were extenuating circumstances. His business was right up in my face.
Liz: Sorry, a penis is not an extenuating circumstance.

Liz: Once upon a time, uh, the idea of working as a receptionist in an aged care facility would have been deeply offensive to me.
Joe: That's perfectly understandable.
Liz: But despite my initial misgivings, it's actually been incredibly rewarding. You know, sometimes I will just catch a moment between a patient and a staff member, and it's... a privilege. Yeah, I'm a receptionist, yes, but I'm also... a patron in the theater of humanity.
Heather: [sarcastically] Is that what you're doing. I'm wiping asses, and you're "a patron in the theater of humanity".

Liz: [in a frustrated tone] Why do you make your E.A. get people on the phone ten minutes before you're even ready to speak to them? What's that about?
Joe: Well, *that*... that actually saves me about forty-five minutes a day.
Liz: [in frustrated amazement] Do you know how many people I would cop that level of a self-importance from? Four!: the Prime Minister, the Pope, the Queen, and Beyoncé.

[Liz and Joe have been talking about private issues concerning Ben in a near whisper]
Liz: [looking over at Ainsley, who is quietly eating her breakfast, as she begins to speak even softer to Joe] Never say anything in this house you're not happy with all members of the dwelling to hear. Trust me.
Joe: [looking over his shoulder to a still unaware Ainsley, coming to understand Liz's implication in speaking at that even softer tone] Okay.
Liz: I think it best if we relocate this conversation outside.
Joe: Okay, um, right now?
Liz: [shaking her head] Some point.
Joe: Some point? Tonight?
Liz: [taking a pause] Well, I'd have to check my calendar.
Ainsley: [in a whisper as she looks over toward Liz and Joe] Liz?
[both Liz and Joe turn their head toward Ainsley]
Ainsley: It's Diwali.
[Liz and Joe realize that Ainsley has heard everything they've said]

[in modeling outfits for his date, Harry emerges in a monochrome black one topped with a black vest]
Liz: You look like a waiter... or an undertaker. You look like a waiter at a funeral.

Liz: [in Joe rushing off unexpectedly in his sense of self-importance] Unfuckingbelievable!

[Liz and Stuart are talking about Liz's decision to go to Cambridge to earn her Master of Laws, and their decision for Stuart to accompany her to the UK]
Stuart: [about Harry] Should I give him a call, maybe - after you've told him.
Liz: No. Why?
Stuart: Because he's going to think I'm behind all this.
Liz: But you're not.
Stuart: Yes, but I'm... part of the equation.
Liz: Really?
[Stuart guffaws]
Liz: No. I'm going with the truth: seventy percent Cambridge, twenty percent because I love the UK summer... ten percent you.
Stuart: *Wow*, ten percent, that much.
Liz: Actually no, six percent Camden markets... four percent you.

[after knocking quietly, Liz timidly enters Heather's bedroom, Heather who is lying on the bed]
Heather: Liz, your face is very triggering for me right now, so if this isn't urgent...
Liz: [about Heather quitting her job after receiving an official reprimand] I had a word with Pat after you left. Apparently if you pop in tomorrow and offer a full apology to her, Yvonne and the entire staff, they will consider reexamining the situation.
Heather: [sternly] Me, apologize to them?
Liz: I am but the humble messenger. Would you like me to respond on your behalf in some way?
Heather: What is my face telling you?
Liz: What, this seems like a trap, but okay. Is it saying, "Liz, I appreciate you offering this information. Leave me now and run for your life?"
Heather: Close enough.

Manju K. Sethi: Who is this?
Liz: [as Manju moves closer to the person she doesn't recognize] Oh, hi, Manju. Uh, this... this is, um, this is Stuart Wendell, yeah, my... my ex-husband.
Manju K. Sethi: [smiling and nodding affirmatively] Mm, hello.
Stuart: [cordially] Lovely to meet you, Mrs. Sethi. I have been hearing... amazing things about you for a decade.
Manju K. Sethi: [matter-of-factly] My son speaks very poorly of you.

Joe: [with respect to Ben saying that Joe was trying to impress Liz] In regard to Ben's parting comment, I mean, you know obviously, there's uh... there's an attraction here... well, well, there is on my part. Um, I don't know, maybe it's a one-way street.
Liz: There might have been... some light traffic... on the other side.