The Best Five Bedrooms Quotes

Ed: [in struggling to untie the belt of Heather's robe in getting her undressed as a prelude to sex] Uh, this is a good knot. It's a proper knot. Do you own a boat?

Harry: [as Manju is being wheeled into surgery] I love you, Mom.
Manju K. Sethi: [to the orderlies] My son. Feeling guilty because he tried to put me in a home. I managed to escape.

Liz: [in Joe rushing off unexpectedly in his sense of self-importance] Unfuckingbelievable!

[after knocking quietly, Liz timidly enters Heather's bedroom, Heather who is lying on the bed]
Heather: Liz, your face is very triggering for me right now, so if this isn't urgent...
Liz: [about Heather quitting her job after receiving an official reprimand] I had a word with Pat after you left. Apparently if you pop in tomorrow and offer a full apology to her, Yvonne and the entire staff, they will consider reexamining the situation.
Heather: [sternly] Me, apologize to them?
Liz: I am but the humble messenger. Would you like me to respond on your behalf in some way?
Heather: What is my face telling you?
Liz: What, this seems like a trap, but okay. Is it saying, "Liz, I appreciate you offering this information. Leave me now and run for your life?"
Heather: Close enough.

Liz: [in a frustrated tone] Why do you make your E.A. get people on the phone ten minutes before you're even ready to speak to them? What's that about?
Joe: Well, *that*... that actually saves me about forty-five minutes a day.
Liz: [in frustrated amazement] Do you know how many people I would cop that level of a self-importance from? Four!: the Prime Minister, the Pope, the Queen, and Beyoncé.

Heather: There were extenuating circumstances. His business was right up in my face.
Liz: Sorry, a penis is not an extenuating circumstance.

Heather: [as Harry gets caught up in a conversation with Liz about his mother while holding a plate of food for Heather] Harry, I'm going to stop you there. You're about to become the first man I've ever lived with to serve me a meal. You need to complete that action.

Harry: [about a telephone call he had with Xavier] We tried to talk about it today, and, uh... I wouldn't say I hung up on him, but I, uh... I hung up on him.

[in modeling outfits for his date, Harry emerges in a monochrome black one topped with a black vest]
Liz: You look like a waiter... or an undertaker. You look like a waiter at a funeral.

Harry: [about their planned Diwali celebrations] Just about Xavier. I don't think I can have him here as just a friend.
Manju K. Sethi: I thought it would be nice for him. But all right, we do have so many other guests coming.
Harry: No! I want him here, but as my partner. I want to tell Akshay Mama.
Manju K. Sethi: [defiantly] No, no, no, no, no no. No! No way!
Harry: Uh, Mom, I... I think I may be in love.. kind of for the first time, and I don't want to have to wait years and years for my family to know. I just want to tell them now.
Manju K. Sethi: You don't have to wait years and years, Harpreet. Akshay Mama gets very little exercise. I think four years at most.
Harry: I don't want to lie for another four years.
Manju K. Sethi: Lying is what you have to do with Akshay Mama.
Harry: He really respects me, Mom. I'm, I'm the only boy in the family. I'm a doctor...
Manju K. Sethi: His judgement will fall on me. He will think I'm the lonely widow who cannot raise a son.
Harry: [calmly as he tries to diffuse the situation] I really think he'll be fine.
Harry: [voice over] There was only about a two percent chance Akshay Mama would be fine, but when you're high on love, you always think the odds are tilting in your way.

[Simmo is about to confront Ben for accusing Heather of trying to act like his mother]
Kevin: Now, we both know how I felt about your mum when I was younger.
Ben: [his face screwed up] What?
Kevin: We both know how hot she was. Still is, and anyone I met would be proud to be compared to Sandy Chigwell. Yeah? Not so much Heath, mate.
Ben: [in an agonizing tone] Oh, what did they tell ya?
Kevin: Well, it was just coming from Ains, and that's pretty much all she said.
Ben: Oh, I didn't mean she was like my actual Mom, I just meant that... ah, fuckin' 'ell!
Kevin: [quietly] I know.
Ben: It wasn't even about her. I was pissed and I was starkin' up about everything. Most of it was really about Joe.
Kevin: Well, tell her that, mate.
Ben: Yeah?
Kevin: Go in hard with an apology, and maybe stress that she's nothin' like your Mom. Tell her... she's so useful, like... J-Lo.
Ben: No, J-Lo's nothing like her, mate.
Kevin: Tell her she, she, she'd still fit into Mayer's clothes.
[Ben has a confused look]
Kevin: No, don't say that. But say something, mate. Whatever it takes. Just fix it.
Ben: [as Simmo walks away] You feeling again?
Kevin: [turning back toward Ben] Hey?
Ben: You really that into my Mom?
Kevin: [brushing it off] It was mostly tail end of year eight... few weeks in the summer of 2013 if I'm honest. Yeah, she wore a hell of a dress to your thirtieth.
Ben: Come on...
Kevin: I still think about her.

[Liz and Joe have been talking about private issues concerning Ben in a near whisper]
Liz: [looking over at Ainsley, who is quietly eating her breakfast, as she begins to speak even softer to Joe] Never say anything in this house you're not happy with all members of the dwelling to hear. Trust me.
Joe: [looking over his shoulder to a still unaware Ainsley, coming to understand Liz's implication in speaking at that even softer tone] Okay.
Liz: I think it best if we relocate this conversation outside.
Joe: Okay, um, right now?
Liz: [shaking her head] Some point.
Joe: Some point? Tonight?
Liz: [taking a pause] Well, I'd have to check my calendar.
Ainsley: [in a whisper as she looks over toward Liz and Joe] Liz?
[both Liz and Joe turn their head toward Ainsley]
Ainsley: It's Diwali.
[Liz and Joe realize that Ainsley has heard everything they've said]

Joe: [with respect to Ben saying that Joe was trying to impress Liz] In regard to Ben's parting comment, I mean, you know obviously, there's uh... there's an attraction here... well, well, there is on my part. Um, I don't know, maybe it's a one-way street.
Liz: There might have been... some light traffic... on the other side.

[Liz and Stuart are talking about Liz's decision to go to Cambridge to earn her Master of Laws, and their decision for Stuart to accompany her to the UK]
Stuart: [about Harry] Should I give him a call, maybe - after you've told him.
Liz: No. Why?
Stuart: Because he's going to think I'm behind all this.
Liz: But you're not.
Stuart: Yes, but I'm... part of the equation.
Liz: Really?
[Stuart guffaws]
Liz: No. I'm going with the truth: seventy percent Cambridge, twenty percent because I love the UK summer... ten percent you.
Stuart: *Wow*, ten percent, that much.
Liz: Actually no, six percent Camden markets... four percent you.

Pat: One staff member claims you've been calling them "Ankles"... in front of the patients.
Heather: [matter-of-factly] Yeah, Julian.
Pat: And apparently you told said patient that "ankles" means three feet below an asshole.
Heather: [shrugging it off] Well, that's just poetry.

Ainsley: [blurting it out interrupting the flow of the conversation] I'm pregnant.
Heather: [after a pause] To Deepshit?
Ainsley: To Lachlan... yes.

Manju K. Sethi: Who is this?
Liz: [as Manju moves closer to the person she doesn't recognize] Oh, hi, Manju. Uh, this... this is, um, this is Stuart Wendell, yeah, my... my ex-husband.
Manju K. Sethi: [smiling and nodding affirmatively] Mm, hello.
Stuart: [cordially] Lovely to meet you, Mrs. Sethi. I have been hearing... amazing things about you for a decade.
Manju K. Sethi: [matter-of-factly] My son speaks very poorly of you.

Harry: [about a competitor at the house auction, she, a hard looking woman, who has just placed a bid] I wouldn't underestimate Power Nan. She's got a bit of a Mafia vibe about her.
Lachlan: [sneering in Power Nan's direction] Ah, look at those shoes. Those shoes don't say money.
Harry: Nothing about her says money. But that in and of itself *screams* money.

Liz: Once upon a time, uh, the idea of working as a receptionist in an aged care facility would have been deeply offensive to me.
Joe: That's perfectly understandable.
Liz: But despite my initial misgivings, it's actually been incredibly rewarding. You know, sometimes I will just catch a moment between a patient and a staff member, and it's... a privilege. Yeah, I'm a receptionist, yes, but I'm also... a patron in the theater of humanity.
Heather: [sarcastically] Is that what you're doing. I'm wiping asses, and you're "a patron in the theater of humanity".