The Best Tom Quotes

Trooper: Your faith will return. Just as sure as the sun will rise.
Tom: Sounds like a long shot.

U: You stepped on my shoe, bitch!
Redman: Man, call me a bitch again and I'll park your truck... dead in yo ass!
Macy: DAMN, HOMEY!
CJ: [to the rappers] Hey yo, they comin! Over here!
RZA: If I was you, son, I'd bust this shit right now!
Method: Yo Momma!
U: I got your number too, homey.
Master: He ain't gonna bust nuthin. I got nuts bigger than him.
RZA: Oh, yeah? I'll roll up on you too... you country ass maple syrup biscuit eatin' nigga!
Master: Ya'll want some biscuits? You want some biscuits?
[a shootout happens between all the gangster rappers; Macy Gray fires a rocket launcher killing all of them and herself]
Tom: I cannot believe what just happened!
President: These men all died for their country. Send flowers to their bitches and hos.

George: Sue's teacher, Brenda. She's... She's dead.
Tom: Oh. I better tell her.
George: No, no, no. I can do it. Sue?
Sue: Yes?
George: You know your teacher, Miss Brenda?
Sue: Yeah.
George: She's dead!
Sue: Aah!
George: Gone forever! Died a horrible, painful death! Gone, gone, gone, just like your dog!
Sue: My dog's dead?
George: I just ran him over with the car when I drove in! Everyone you love around you is dying!

Alien: Wait please, we mean you no harm. We travel to your planet to find an evil little girl. We must destroy her before seven days.
George: You mean... You watched the video tape?
Alien: Our satellite caught up what we thought was Pootie Tang, that was a week ago. And now our entire race will die, unless the girl is destroyed.
Tom: Aw, you see, they are peaceful.
Mahalik: If they so peaceful, man, why were they choking us a few minutes ago?
Alien: Oh... that's how we say hello.
George: Well how do you guys say goodbye?
[an alien kicks George in the groin]
George: [in pain] I had to ask.

Annie: Promise me you'll never remarry.
Tom: I promise.
Annie: And no sex, either.
Tom: I'm sorry. I didn't catch that.
Annie: No sex.
Tom: Honey, you're not speaking clearly. Your injuries must be awful.
Annie: No sex.
Tom: Oh, cruel fate to shroud my wife's dying words in mystery.
Annie: [shouts] No sex!
Tom: Poor Annie. We hardly knew her. She'll be missed terribly.
Annie: Oh, Jesus.
Tom: That's right, honey. Go into the light.
Annie: Look! Just tell George, swing away.
Tom: Right. Swing away.
Annie: Oh, sure. That you understand.
[Gasps and dies]

Trooper: It's your wife, Father. She's hurt.
Tom: Annie?
Trooper: She was hit by a truck and she's pinned against a tree.
Tom: I don't understand.
Trooper: As long as the truck has her pinned, she'll stay alive.
Tom: I still don't get it.
Trooper: [shows Tom hot dog] This... is your wife.
[breaks hot dog in half]
Tom: She broke her wiener?

George: I have a dream.
Tom: What is your dream?
George: To have a dream.

Tom: [opening door] Sue?
Sue: I can't sleep.
Tom: Well, it's way past your bedtime.
Sue: Won't you rock me to sleep in your big, strong arms? There's plenty of room under the covers. It's a hot night. You don't need to wear pajamas.
Tom: Where is my daughter?
Sue: Are you mad? I am your daughter.
Tom: No you're not.
[removes dress from daughter revealing it is really Michael Jackson]

Sayaman: I'm sorry about that night. If I hadn't fallen asleep while driving for that exact 20 minutes. If I hadn't drank that exact whole bottle of Jaegermeister. If only I hadn't killed that hooker.
Tom: Sayaman. I don't see what any of this has to do with Annie.
Sayaman: I'm sorry. Those were other nights. But if it had been that night, I might have missed her.