20 Best Agnes Brown Quotes

Buster: [about the Christmas crackers he's made] I'm using gunpowder from fireworks to make the crackers crack.
Agnes: [cheekily to the audience] What could go wrong?

Rory: Danger is my middle name.
Dino: Bond. James Bond!
Agnes: Off. Fuck off!

Maria: [discussing Agnes' method for dealing with Bono's bully] For God's sake. What are we going to do now, Father?
Father: I think we need to get Betty and Mrs. Curtain together and then try talk this out.
Agnes: I have an idea. Why...
Maria: I have a line before that
Agnes: [everyone's breaking character] I have an idea. Let her do her line.
Production: [from offstage] I think we better get Betty and Mrs. Curtain together.
Agnes: Is that not dangerous? Cause for him to get it right once is fucking rare.
Father: Just blame the priest. That's what he's here for.
Agnes: Yes, we always do. He has his foot up my front while he's doing that.
Maria: Very tough.
Father: That's not my foot!

[Buster is being sick in the closet toilet and Rory knocks on the door]
Rory: [thinking it's Mammy] Are you in there?
Buster: Yes!
Rory: Mammy, you need to know, I'm gay. I love Deano and I want the world to know. Are you upset?
[Buster throws up and Rory becomes upset]
Rory: Oh Mammy I knew you'd take it hard! But please try to think of my happiness!
[Buster throws up again and Rory falls to the floor, crying]
Rory: Oh Mammy! How can I be happy? Please try to think of me!
Agnes: [arriving] Well you can get off the fecking floor for starters.
[Rory screams]
Agnes: [startled] What is wrong with you?
Rory: Mammy, I need to come out of the closet!
Agnes: Wait till Buster finishes to go in first!

Cathy: Mammy, it's not just Teddy Brannigan, is it? No man I ever meet will be good enough for you, will they?
Agnes: Where did I leave my violin?
Cathy: I'm going to me room.
Agnes: Go to your room Oh, Jesus! How could you do that? How could you beat your mother?
Cathy: I brushed off you!
Agnes: You beat me! Oh, my Jesus It's gone dead! It's gone dead, look, it's feckin' dead! Look it's feckin' Oh, Cathy, I can't turn left! It's spreading Oh!
Agnes: Jesus Christ, I've gone blind! Cathy!
Cathy: I'm going!
Agnes: Is she still there?
Cathy: This is ridiculous!
Agnes: Cathy! Cathy, wait! Cathy, please Cathy, let me explain! Cathy Cath Don't bring me up them feckin' stairs! You saw that, now. I was minding my own business and she feckin' attacked me! This is because she forgot the feckin' badges. I tell you now, if Jesus Christ appears to me and asks me to sacrifice a child she's feckin' gone!

Agnes: [reading the newspaper] For sale: Herd of cows, never been bred. Also for sale: gay bull.
Rory: [walks into the kitchen] Morning.
Agnes: [smirks at the camera, folds the paper and puts it on the table] Moo.

Agnes: I had four donuts before you walked in the door
Winnie: But that'll kill ya
Agnes: I don't give a shite I won't be carrying the coffin

Rory: What's fun?
Agnes: Trivial Pursuit.
Rory: Ah Jesus, no!
Agnes: It's only a game.
Cathy: Not when you play it Mummy.
Rory: Last year Dino had to have counselling.

Agnes: Granddad is the cupboard having a shit!

Agnes: How's your drink?
Hilary: It tastes like cider.
Agnes: It is. Bulmers.
Hilary: I asked for champagne.
Agnes: Well you can fuck off.

Agnes: Dermot, what's a blow job?
Dermot: 20 quid, mammy.
Agnes: They change the fecking language every day!

Agnes: Dermot, did you get the contract? I can't hear you, there's carol singers?
Father: Leave it to me, Mrs Brown.
Father: [stands up] FECK OFF!
Father: [everyone's shocked] Sorry everybody. I've had it for about a month now.

Winnie: Agnes, how does a secret agent know when he's running out of invisible ink?
Agnes: He has an invisible light on his invisible pen and it flashes. Invisibly.

Agnes: What do you want, Grandad?
Grandad: I don't feel well.
Agnes: You're ninety-two, you're not supposed to fucking feel well!

Agnes: [phone is ringing] Is that your phone?
Cathy: No.
Agnes: Of course not. You wouldn't bring your phone into the fucking studio. IT'S OUR PHONE!
Agnes: [answers it] Hello? For fuck's sake, Kieron.
[hands it to the cameraman again]

Grandad: [pointing to the turkey in the living room] What's he doing here alive?
Agnes: He's probably looking at you thinking the same fecking thing!

Agnes: [LaLa just looked her over] What are you staring at?
LaLa: I was wondering what we'd put you in. Lilac, maybe. I'd like you looking... a little more feminine.
Agnes: [goes to retort, then turns to the camera] He has a fucking point, really.

[Dermont Brown sadly walks past Agnes dressed as a penguin]
Agnes: There goes Happy Feet.

Agnes: [to Grandad, while trying to climb down a shelf] See, I didn't fecking need ya! Oh shit!
[falls from the shelf]

Buster: Oh, that Robin.
Agnes: Who's Robbin'
Buster: Me.
Agnes: You wanna give that up son.
Dermot: No Mammy, he not going to be robbin', he's going to BE Robin.
Agnes: When?
Dermot: In a few days.
Agnes: He's not robbin today.
Dermot: Obviously.
Agnes: Be he's going to be robbin' and you think thats alright?
Dermot: Mammy, you're getting confused.
Buster: Dermot, can I explain?
Dermot: This should be good.
Buster: You see Mrs Brown, Robin is good and I'm going to be Robin, so if I'm Robin Robin, then there will be no robbin' because Robin he's not into robbin'
Agnes: Like Batman and Robin.
Buster: Yeah.
Dermot: Seriously? You got it from that?
Agnes: I thought it was perfectly clear.