The Best Britt Baron Quotes

Regina: Justine? Uh, uh, someone is here to see you.
[Sam arrives in the house]
Regina: You kids want anything?
Billy: No. Thanks, Mom.
Sam: I'll take some coffee.
Regina: Oh.
Sam: Thank you.
Justine: How did you find me?
Sam: I called the pizza place. I ordered a pizza. I shook down the kid who brought it, and he sang like a canary.
[looks at Billy]
Sam: So you must be the famous Billy.
[Billy stands up]
Sam: Relax with the standing and sticking your chest out. I'm just here to talk.
Justine: I don't have anything to say to you.
Sam: Look, I'm sorry I tried to fuck you, okay? I-If you'd told me you were my daughter, I would never had done that.
[pause, then Sam turns around to look at Regina]
Regina: Milk? Sugar?
Sam: Oh, uh, black. Thank you.
Justine: So this is my fault.
Sam: Look, I get that there's no great way to deliver this news, okay? But, but, but coming out here and pretending to audition for a show that I'm directing, and then following me around like some crazed fangirl, I mean, definitely, you know, made it, you know, worse. Th-That's all I'm saying.
Justine: I just... wanted to meet you. That was it. That was all I'd figured out. It wasn't like... some diabolical plan.
Sam: Is your name really Justine?
Justine: Yes. Justine Victoria Biagi.
Sam: That's a nice name. So, are you coming to the show? We've got a ballroom or something down at the Hayworth.
Justine: I don't actually care about wrestling. I didn't do any of this so I could wrestle.
Sam: All right. Well, listen, kid. I-It can only get better from here. I-I think. I hope. That, that's what I'm holding on to.

Sam: Hey.
Rhonda: Hey. Can I get a little kiss for luck?
Sam: You're not gonna need luck. I scripted the match so you'll win.
[Sam kisses Rhonda, then Justine appears]
Justine: Did you ask her about your camera?
Sam: What?
Justine: Your camera. It's in her locker. We all saw it.
Sam: Just go get ready. Now.
[Justine walks away]
Sam: What did you do to her? Why is she trying to frame you?
Rhonda: She's jealous, all right? She's just got a crush on you. Oh, my God. Think about it, okay? Brilliant director. She's seen every one of your films. She swoons every time you walk in a room.
Sam: Okay, all right. So, so, what am I supposed to do about that?
Rhonda: Be kind and generous to her, like you are with everyone.

Justine: I mean, does he even know my name? What if I call him, and I'm like, 'Hi, this is Justine,' and he's like, 'Who?'
Arthie: He knows your name.
Justine: Maybe he's been expecting me to call. Now he's mad. What if he, like, hangs up on me? What if I have to talk to his mom?
[knock on door]
Justine: He probably already has a girlfriend, anyway. Some cool punk girl who's in a band, and knows how to give a blow job without choking.
[Justine opens the door and suddenly sees Billy]
Justine: I... I didn't order pizza.
Arthie: I did.
[Arthie grabs her backpack and walks toward the door]
Arthie: I'm going to study. I'll be back later. In exactly 45 minutes.
[Arthie pays for the pizza]
Arthie: Don't try to choke on anything. Thanks.
[Arthie walks out with the pizza as Justine nervously stares at Billy]
Billy: You didn't call me.
Justine: I'm sorry.
Billy: It's okay.
[Billy kisses Justine before closing the door]

[Melrose picks up the phone, suspecting another prank call by Dawn and Stacey]
Melanie: Fucking cunt! Cunt! Cunt! Cunt! Cunt! Cunt!
Justine: Hi, it's Justine.
Melanie: Oh, hey. What do you want?
Justine: I wanted to see if you'd split a pizza.
Melanie: Again? Dude, why do you keep ordering pizza?

Gabs: I've changed my mind, we should always target the Empire.
Bravo: Yeah. Feels good to make a difference.
Gabs: No! They're loaded. Filthy rich. Makes the Hutts look clean by comparison.

Rhonda: Listen up, you little punk. You need to be in school.
Justine: And end up an old spinster librarian like you? No thanks.
Rhonda: I'm not a spinster. I'm a genius. And I get all the boys with my big brain.
Justine: Oh yeah, 'cause guys love a big brain.
Rhonda: Ooh, you little guttersnipe!
[Rhonda and Justine do a lockup]
Rhonda: You're just jealous of my horse!
[Justine releases lockup]
Justine: What horse?
Rhonda: Oh. Sam's getting me a horse.
Justine: Why do you need a horse if you're the brain?
Rhonda: Well, I think he's trying to butter me up for a big part in his next movie, Mothers and Others.
Justine: Mothers and Lovers.
Rhonda: No, I think it as 'Others.' I sort of read it.
Justine: He let you read it?
Rhonda: Well, Sam read it to me. Yeah, but I was sleeping and then I'd wake up and doze off again, and he was reading it, reading, reading... His voice is quite soothing.
Justine: So, you're, like... sleeping with him?
Rhonda: Well, like I said, I'd doze off and then wake up again. It's not great sleep. The sex is nice, though. I'm pretty into it.

Justine: Can we order pizza?
Sam: [Almost immediately] Yes!
[after a brief pause]
Sam: Not from Billy!

[Billy knocks on Justine and Arthie's door]
Justine: Hi.
Billy: Hey.
[pause]
Billy: You got black olives this time.
[pause]
Justine: Yeah. I like the color black.
Billy: Yeah? Cool.
[pause]
Billy: So, um, it'll be 11 even.
Justine: Oh, right.
[Justine grabs her wallet and pays Billy for the pizzas]
Billy: So, um, I'll see you around.
Justine: Yeah.
[Billy walks away as Justine closes the door in embarrassment]
Justine: Oh-ohhh! 'I like the color black'? Ugh, he must think I'm a total fucking poser! Why can't I talk to him?
[sighs]
Justine: I can't order any more pizza. I'm out of cash until next Friday.
Arthie: Good thing he wrote his number on the box.
[Justine turns around and sees Billy's name and phone number on the box]
Justine: Whoa. Do you think he actually wants me to call him?
[pause]
Arthie: Yeah.

Melanie: And then I said, 'Oh God, the Baby!' You know, 'What's happening to the baby?' And then, you know, I squirted ketchup out of my vagina.
Sam: That was terrible. I, I didn't buy a single second of that. But, let's not throw out the baby with the bathwater. Oh, sorry, maybe it was a wrong metaphor. Sorry. I think there's something here. Look, I know you were just being an asshole, but if this were a real scene, there would be context, there'd be circumstances, there'd be characters, right? Legacy?
Carmen: Um...
Sam: Al right. Let's get inside this thing. What happened? The miscarriage, was it an accident? Was it, was it bad sushi?
Justine: She was kicked in the stomach by her Guatemalan swim coach who was jealous she lost her virginity to the captain of the diving team.
Sam: Wow. Good. Good. Kick in the stomach. I like that. Swim coach, I don't know. We can lose him. We need a better assailant. What animal would kick a pregnant woman in the belly? What kind of person would ruin the life of a gorgeous, successful, pregnant woman? What kind of homewrecker would do that?
[Ruth tries to hide in the crowd]
Sam: Ruth! This doesn't seem like too much of a stretch for you. Why don't you come in the ring? Join us.
Ruth: I want to, but I'm really not feeling well.
Sam: You know, Gene Kelly had the flu when he did the title number of Singin' in the Rain.
Ruth: It's true, he did.
[Ruth gets up and approaches the ring]
Sam: Look at this asshole. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. She's gonna destroy lives. Even tiny lives that haven't started yet. You're a horrible person, and you don't deserve to live.
Ruth: I think I deserve to live.
Sam: Hey, Uta Hagen. All right, take some fucking direction for a minute. All right, is that too much to ask? It's not about you. I'm trying to see if this skit works. Now circle the other one.
[Ruth and Melrose circle each other]
Sam: Okay, good. Okay, shit-stirrer. Let's work on your side. Because if there's one thing I've learned in my illustrious career, it's that you can't rely on a blood rig to sell a performance. Who are you? What kind of woman were you before you lost everything?
Melanie: I feel like I was the kind of...
Sam: Wait, I got it. You're smart. You're ambitious. Talented. But nobody sees that. All they see is the blonde knockout.
Melanie: Yeah, but I'm not blonde.
Sam: All right, shut the fuck up.
Melanie: Okay.
Stacey: I think he's talking about me.
Dawn: [pointing at Debbie] No. They're talking about her.
Stacey: That makes sense.

Sam: What the hell are these camera guys doing? You're in each other's shots! Get... Just... Jesus Christ.
Justine: Next time, maybe you should give them some direction.
[pause]
Sam: Yeah, well, next time... you know, don't fucking run away so I have to come looking for you when I'm supposed to be directing a goddamn television show.
[pause]
Justine: Costumes look good.
Sam: Yeah. Who the fuck knows?
Justine: Might cut together.
Sam: Maybe
[pause]
Justine: You wanna make out again?
Sam: What?
Justine: Kidding. Jeez.

[Sam looks at Justine's photo]
Sam: How old are you?
[pause]
Justine: Nineteen?
Sam: Yeah?
Justine: Yeah.
Sam: Okay, we'll see.

Justine: I'm Scab, and I'm your worst nightmare. I'll gut your Gucci and blast your Beemer. Die, yuppie scum! Ha ha ha ha!
Sebastian: I got chills.
Sam: Yeah, you would.