The Best Arthie Premkumar Quotes

Sebastian: Ronnie takes out his pen, signs the picture, and he says, 'It's a good thing Bonzo is a Democrat. Otherwise, he'd have won the nomination.'
[the ladies laugh]
Debbie: You're hilarious.
Sam: Ladies. Hi. I see you've met... Sebastian Howard, our producer.
Sebastian: Uh, 'Bash', please.
Sam: Just know that he's the one signing your checks, so, be nice.
Sebastian: I don't like to talk about money, okay? I'm the patron of the arts. And wrestling is an art, despite my mother's opinion, which is wrong.
Sam: I thought you were in Peru.
Sebastian: Yeah. I... I... I came back early. Loving the casting!
[grabs Sheila]
Sebastian: Even Miss Serious over here. So, so, so, what, what moves have you guys learned?
Cherry: We've been mostly learning to fall on our backs without hurting ourselves.
Arthie: And pain faces.
Sebastian: W-w-what about, uh, powerbombs? Or, or DDTs? Salty's famous for his DDTs. Where is Salty, by the way?
Sam: Yeah, yeah, Bash. Salty didn't work out. Cherry's our new wrestling coach now.
[Cherry waves at Bash]
Sebastian: Um... d-does she have any wrestling experience?
Cherry: Um... I'm right here.
Sam: Yeah, all right. Anyway, you know that fans are gonna tune in for the moves, but they're not gonna stay tuned in unless we give them what, ladies?
Reggie: Blood!
Melanie: Tits!
Sam: Storytelling. Storytelling.
Melanie: Oh.
Sam: Now, I know it's exciting to be in the midst of a big-shot producer, but I have something even shinier. A script. Hot off the Xerox. I only made ten copies, so we're gonna have to share 'em. And I'm just gonna cast as we move along, starting with Ruth.
Ruth: Yes! Anything you need.
Sam: Uh, yeah. I'm gonna need you to read stage directions.
[disappointed look in Ruth's face]

Ruth: [Yiddish accent] Shalom, everyone! Shalom! Mazel, mazel! I am Gittel, the Orthodox Warrior! It's all about the Jews now.
Melanie: What the fuck is this?
Ruth: [Yiddish accent] I will beat you with a chicken. I will lock you up with my completely covered legs and guilt you into submission.
Sam: What now?
Ruth: It's my new character. See... Look, you're right, you're right. If Russia can't go to war with America, what's the point? Right? So, I'm gonna take...
[points at Arthie]
Ruth: the terrorist, and we are gonna kill. I'm gonna... I'm gonna build settlements all over your ass, and then you're gonna try to blow me up, but it won't work because I'm too clever and thrifty. And then I'll just... Like I'll enter the ring with 17 children who have those little curls and... Oh God! It's gonna be great! I mean, uh, don't get me wrong. I love the Russians. I love the Russians. Could have gone all the way with the Russians, who are... They're pretty big Streisand fans, by the way. But then again, who isn't? I gotta adjust. So, it's all about going with the flow. Just... Come on, bitch. Watch me drop some Talmud on your head.
Arthie: Um...
Melanie: You don't...
Arthie: I, I've been working on stuff with Melrose.
[frustrated look on Ruth's face]
Ruth: What am I supposed to do?
[pause]
Debbie: [Southern accent] Typical whiny Soviet.
[Debbie drops ice pack and heads down to the ring]
Debbie: [Southern accent] 'What should I do? I'm so cold, so I only dress in gray and build things out of cinder block.' Lousy Commies. You think your nukes are so big? Wait till you get a load of our warheads. Because this is the greatest country on Earth, and I am willing to fight for it.
Sam: Yeah.
Debbie: Let's go, you dirty Russian.

[Sam enters the gym]
Sam: Okay. I said I'd do anything, so here we fucking are. Okay.
[clears throat]
Sam: Hello, ladies. I'm Sam Sylvia. Today, we're just gonna be doing first looks and first cuts.
Ruth: Are there sides?
Arthie: I didn't get any sides.
Sam: This is how this is gonna go, all right? No more talking. Just sit there, and look at me and smile. Okay?
Cherry: How about you tell us what the hell we're doing here?
Sam: Oh... hi, Cherry.
Cherry: Hey, baby.
Sam: How you doin', baby? Mm-hmm.
Cherry: Good. This another one of your trashy vampire movies?
Sam: What? No. This is not a movie. This is GLOW.
Ruth: Sorry, what's GLOW?
Sam: Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling. This is a wrestling television show. Only ladies. Lady wrestling. Just like the big guys, but girls. Get it? Girl on girl.
Arthie: So like, Hulk Hogan?
Sam: If one of you turns out to be like Hulk Hogan, I've hit the fucking jackpot.
[several girls raise their hands]
Sam: All right, take it easy. This is what's happening, all right. Yes, this is a wrestling show. And yes, you're all gonna have to actually wrestle on cable television for thousands of people. That means... tit grabs. Cunt punches. Shrinky dinks. That move that looks like a catfight, but fancy. Did I say cunt punches? Okay, good. So, if any of you have a problem with, uh, doing a wrestling show, I suggest you leave now.
[half the attendees begin to leave the gym]
Sam: Thank you. Really? You're going? Thank you.
[Sam lights up a cigarette. Jenny is about to walk out when she decides to stay]
Sam: What happened there? You just... decided? All right, for those remaining, congratulations. You've made it through the first round of cuts. Pretty painless, right? All right, so I guess what we gotta do now is, I'm gonna sit over there, and you guys are gonna line up, get your headshots out, and I'm also gonna have you sign a waiver in case of, uh, serious injury and/or death.

[Arthie bandages Rhonda's forehead]
Rhonda: Ah!
Arthie: Sorry. Hold still, hold still. It's kind of deep.
Rhonda: Oh, God. That was so intense.
Arthie: Everyone really hated me. All those people hated me.
Rhonda: Yeah, but that's a good thing, though. Right?

[Billy knocks on Justine and Arthie's door]
Justine: Hi.
Billy: Hey.
[pause]
Billy: You got black olives this time.
[pause]
Justine: Yeah. I like the color black.
Billy: Yeah? Cool.
[pause]
Billy: So, um, it'll be 11 even.
Justine: Oh, right.
[Justine grabs her wallet and pays Billy for the pizzas]
Billy: So, um, I'll see you around.
Justine: Yeah.
[Billy walks away as Justine closes the door in embarrassment]
Justine: Oh-ohhh! 'I like the color black'? Ugh, he must think I'm a total fucking poser! Why can't I talk to him?
[sighs]
Justine: I can't order any more pizza. I'm out of cash until next Friday.
Arthie: Good thing he wrote his number on the box.
[Justine turns around and sees Billy's name and phone number on the box]
Justine: Whoa. Do you think he actually wants me to call him?
[pause]
Arthie: Yeah.

Debbie: Are we sure this is the right channel?
Cherry: Yes.
Melanie: Yes.
Arthie: Are people gonna like it? What if no one watches? What if it turns out we can't wrestle, and we only thought we could. I don't wanna watch.
[Arthie tries to get up]
Ruth: Shh, shh. It's starting!
Bash: [from TV] Bash Howard Productions and Patio Town Inc. proudly present, From the Hayworth Hotel in Los Angeles, California, It's GLOW, the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling!

Cherry: All right. So, it goes a little something like this.
[Cherry does a back bump]
Cherry: It's like a belly flop, but on to your back. Let's give it a shot. Carmen, kick us off.
[Carmen does a back bump]
Cherry: Yes! I like it. All right, who's next?
Melanie: [raises hand] You know what? I'll try.
Cherry: All right.
Melanie: Okay.
[Melrose does a sloppy back bump]
Melanie: Shit, that was a disaster. Let me try again. I can do better.
Cherry: Okay.
[Melrose does another sloppy back bump]
Melanie: Crap. I can do it better. Can I go one more time?
Cherry: You're fine.
Melanie: No. I wanna push myself. I wanna work harder.
Cherry: Okay.
[Melrose does a back bump, then suddenly writhes in pain]
Melanie: Oh, my fuck! No! Oh fuck! Oh...
[Melrose sees blood on her hand]
Melanie: Oh my God! What is happening? I thought I might be pregnant. I put my body through too much trauma today. Fuck, this is so painful. Am I having a miscarriage?
Arthie: Okay. I'm pre-med. Are you cramping? Are you experiencing any other symptoms of pain?
Melanie: Oh, fuck!
[pulls out ketchup bottle]
Melanie: Bummer. How am I gonna tell Adam Ant that our precious little baby turned out to be a womb goof?
Cherry: Get the hell out of my ring.
Melanie: De-fucking-lighted.

Arthie: Hey, how was the meditation retreat?
[suddenly notices the alcohol on Sam's breath]
Arthie: Whoa. What is that smell?
Sam: Bourbon and despair. Where is Justine?
Arthie: Uh, she probably spent the night at Billy's.
Sam: Billy? Who the fuck is Billy?
Ruth: Oh, see, that sounded very paternal.
Sam: Shut up.
Arthie: He's this guy. He delivers pizza. Are you coming in the limo with us?
Ruth: Sam's gonna follow us there.
Arthie: That's probably better.
Ruth: Okay, thanks.
[Arthie runs to the limo]
Ruth: Look. She's not gonna miss shooting the pilot.
Sam: [sighs] I think she's gone. I-I'd be gone if I were her.
Ruth: You know, if she's anything like you, she's stubborn and confrontational, so, go find her. But, brush your teeth first. I'll keep things moving.

Sam: Resume gets a little thin after 1979.
Cherry: Movies get a little white after 1979. You've seen my stunts. I can kick. I can punch. I can do horse work, car work.
Sam: Yeah, yeah. I know you can double. But can you act?
[Cherry pretends to point a gun at Sam]
Cherry: Freeze, motherfucker.
[Sam puts his hands up]
Sam: Next.
[Arthie walks forward, looking at Cherry]
Arthie: Wow.
Sam: Yeah, I'm gonna need you to do that too.

Justine: I mean, does he even know my name? What if I call him, and I'm like, 'Hi, this is Justine,' and he's like, 'Who?'
Arthie: He knows your name.
Justine: Maybe he's been expecting me to call. Now he's mad. What if he, like, hangs up on me? What if I have to talk to his mom?
[knock on door]
Justine: He probably already has a girlfriend, anyway. Some cool punk girl who's in a band, and knows how to give a blow job without choking.
[Justine opens the door and suddenly sees Billy]
Justine: I... I didn't order pizza.
Arthie: I did.
[Arthie grabs her backpack and walks toward the door]
Arthie: I'm going to study. I'll be back later. In exactly 45 minutes.
[Arthie pays for the pizza]
Arthie: Don't try to choke on anything. Thanks.
[Arthie walks out with the pizza as Justine nervously stares at Billy]
Billy: You didn't call me.
Justine: I'm sorry.
Billy: It's okay.
[Billy kisses Justine before closing the door]

Arthie: But I'm Indian, not Arab.
Jenny: I'm Cambodian.
Sebastian: Backstory. Wrestling is not about backstory. It's about type. And your type is...
Arthie: Intelligent and whimsical?
Sebastian: No. No. Terrorist, or or genie or some sort of other evil Arab.
Arthie: You mean stereotypes.
Sebastian: Yes! Bingo! Exactly! Here, look...
[Bash hands Arthie the Uzi]
Sam: Don't take that gun.
Sebastian: Take the gun.
Sam: Don't take the gun.
Arthie: Um, which one of you is in charge?
[Ruth shows up]
Ruth: Did somebody call for a meeting?
Sebastian: Oh! Yes! Here we go. Perfect! Uh, I don't know. Farmer's daughter. A girl next door.
Ruth: No, I'm Kuntar, a vision of hideousness.
Sam: See?
Sebastian: There's no world where people look at her and see hideous or evil. She's apple pie and ice cream.
Sam: Look, I didn't take this job to be bossed around by some wannabe producer who takes fake phone calls at the polo lounge.
Sebastian: Those calls are real! You took this job because no one else would hire you.
Sam: And who are you now? Robert Evans? You haven't done this before. You haven't done anything.
Sebastian: GLOW is my idea!
Sam: So what? Ideas are cheap. Everyone's got ideas. Your idiot butler probably has ten Oscar-winning ideas.
Florian: I do.
Sebastian: You leave my butler out of this, all right? Florian kicks ass!

[Debbie slaps Ruth, to the shock of the other ladies]
Debbie: I don't know... I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
Ruth: It just happened.
Debbie: Haven't you learned anything from that sad fucking scene study class? Things don't just happen. People make choices. They want things, and then they go for them.
Ruth: Can we go somewhere and talk about this?
Debbie: I don't wanna fucking talk to you. I wanna... I wanna kick you ass. And then I never want to see you again.
[Debbie chases after Ruth]
Ruth: No!
Debbie: Come on!
Ruth: I'm not gonna fight you!
Reggie: Fight her! Do it!
Debbie: Come on!
Ruth: Debbie!
[Debbie grabs Ruth from behind, but Ruth hits her in the face with her elbow]
Ruth: I'm sorry.
[Debbie chases after Ruth again]
Debbie: Fucker!
Arthie: Is this real?
Melanie: Who the fuck cares?
[as Sam watches Ruth and Debbie fight, he envisions them in an actual GLOW match. Salty snaps Sam out of it]
Salty: Sam! Sam! Should we call it?
Sam: Yeah. Call it.
[Salty slides in the ring to count the pinfall, as Debbie has Ruth pinned to the mat and Ruth helplessly looks at Sam]
Salty: One! Two! Three!

Arthie: I am Beirut, the Mad Bomber. I will destroy your American way of living.
Sam: You know what? Let's... let's add the gun back in.
[Sam gives gun to Arthie]
Arthie: [sighs] So expected.