The Best Kimmy Gatewood Quotes

Stacey: You okay?
Dawn: Yeah, I'm just trying to remember where I was when Martin Luther King got murdered.
Stacey: Oh, God, Dawn.
Dawn: I'm uncomfortable. What if people freak out? What if they put us on a watch list? What if Bill Cosby gets mad at us?
Stacey: Will you relax? They're not gonna know it's us. That's, that's why they wore these things in the first place.
Dawn: What if they recognize our shoes?
Stacey: They won't. Look, it's not racist if the black girls came up with the idea, right?
Dawn: Right. Yes. It was their idea. So, it's not us. It's them.
[pause]
Stacey: Ready?
Dawn: Ready.
[Dawn and Stacey put on their white masks]
Stacey: Oh, goddamnit.

Bash: I'd like to toast my mother for organizing all this.
Birdie: Aw.
Bash: But before I bring her up here, I'd like to... bring up some other... powerful, equally admirable women. Women who have struggled with drug addiction. Women who have found that, showing up at a gym every day, to learn how to wrestle, has kept them sober. These are the women of WAD. Wrestlers Against Drugs. They've come here tonight to share their stories. If you're moved to support them, please, open your hearts, and your checkbooks. Thank you.
Birdie: For the love of God.
Carmen: My low point came two months ago, when I woke up on a bench at the mall, naked... and high.
Reggie: Then I spent all my money on... the crack.
Tammé: So my husband said, 'It's either me, or the crack.' I chose the crack.
Stacey: Crack should be my middle name. And also my first and my last name.
Rhonda: Eggs, bacon, bangers and mash, toast, Marmite, and crack.
Melanie: I went to three rehabs. Uh, Hazelden was the best one, so, you know, you guys know... Now, if you have, like, a... If you have a fucked-up kid or whatever. Also, I did a lot of crack.
Jenny: [speaking in Cambodian] ... crack!
Birdie: Tell the girls to stop talking and introduce me.
Bash: No, wait. Last one, last one.
Ruth: I've... made a lot of terrible decisions. Some of them I don't even remember.
[pause]
Ruth: I hit rock bottom when I slept with my friend's husband. I was really wasted at the time. But... the second time, I wasn't. I knew what I was doing. I was sober and insecure, and I think I was acting out of this deep well of resentment. I didn't even know I had and it was just... buried. And then every... It all came out, and... fucked up a real friendship.
[pause]
Ruth: But then, I found wrestling... and it saved me. Coming to the gym every day, seeing... these women struggle... to use their bodies and... learn something new, and we did! And it's a better feeling than drugs. Crack, specifically.
[Bash gives a thumbs up]

[while rehearsing the opening match between the Red Scare and the Beatdown Biddies]
Sam: All right, so we do the match. Do the match.
[Ruth and Jenny charge towards Dawn and Stacey]
Dawn: Wait, what are you doing?
Sam: Do the match.
Stacey: Yeah, Russian. We're gonna make your bottom red, just like your politics.
[Stacey starts spanking Ruth]
Ruth: I think we should address the Challenger in the show, hit it head-on.
Stacey: Why? To make everyone cry?
Ruth: Yes, exactly. For catharsis.
Dawn: What is that? One of your theater terms?
Sam: All right, now let's kick those Biddies out of the ring.
Stacey: Yeah, out of the ring. Out of the show. Maybe they died in the Challenger explosion.
Jenny: Stacey, too soon.
Sam: Oh, terrific. I can't wait to hear this bitching for the next three months.

[Sheila answers the phone]
Sheila the She: Hello?
Stacey: I'm calling from Hellmann's Mayonnaise. Can you take a survey?
Sheila the She: A survey?
Stacey: Yes, yes. Mm-hmm.
Sheila the She: About mayonnaise?
Stacey: Yes, about mayonnaise.
Sheila the She: I always have time for condiments.
Stacey: Perfect.
[Ruth walks out of the bathroom]
Ruth: Oh, that shower is the best.
Sheila the She: No, I'm quite fastidious about following instructions on the label. Personal lubricant?
[Ruth sighs]
Sheila the She: No, I'm not sure I understand...
[Ruth grabs the phone and hangs up]

Ruth: She needs to be ready in five minutes.
Stacey: Well, she needs to stop blinking.
Carmen: I'm not.
Stacey: You are. You're like an epileptic.
Ruth: Hey. How you doing?
Carmen: It's a big crowd out there.
Ruth: Yup.
[pause]
Ruth: At the beginning of every play, I pick something random in the audience to look at. A, a funny skirt, a broken chairback. Then I focus all my attention on it, like a laser beam. It helps.
Carmen: Or I could take one of Bash's Quaaludes. He offered.

Stacey: [Hands baby Randy over to Debbie] I know you stopped breastfeeding a while ago, but this kid's got a thing for tits.
Debbie: What can I say? He's a Vegas baby now.

Dawn: I'm Ethel.
Stacey: I'm Edna.
Dawn: And we're the Beat Down Biddies.
Stacey: You want a piece of me? I got moles older than you.
Dawn: Oh yeah? I'll come at you. I'm like a good fiber cereal. I'll make you shit your pants!

Sam: As my Aunt Jeanette used to say: 'This nursing home is a waiting room of hell.' And these two old bats are straight out of it. Clack your dentures together for Ethel and Edna, the Beatdown Biddies.
[Dawn and Stacey approach the ring wearing Ku Klux Klan outfits]
Dawn: White Power! White Power!
Dawn: Segregation forever!
Sam: What the fuck is happening?
Keith: Unh-unh. No. That's not appropriate. That's not right. You can't come in there with that on. Come in here wearing sheets?
Sam: Ladies and gentlemen, this is some inappropriate social satire. I don't know what to say.
[Cherry and Tammé approach the ring]
Cherry: Someone needs to teach these Casper-looking racist idiots a lesson.
Tammé: Yeah, I might be a Welfare Queen, but I don't tolerate no bigots!
[Tammé slides in the ring, chasing Dawn and Stacey]
Keith: Save it for the match. Come on. Save it.

Sam: All right, well, this is definitely not a match for children. Or may... Or maybe it is. Maybe you're... You're really never too young to know about this country's racial history.
Keith: You guys got somebody over here for me?
Stacey: Come at me! Come at me!
Keith: Over here, who we got? All right. Let's go.
[Cherry puts Stacey in a headlock, but Stacey punches her in the stomach and trips her before smothering her with her outfit]
Sam: Ho ho! Ref, that's not legal. Get in there.
[Keith breaks the hold before Cherry gets up]
Cherry: I got this. Let's go, cracker.
[Cherry kicks Stacey]
Sam: Oh, this isn't as awful as I thought. Looks like the blacks have the upper hand. Helter Skelter, here we come.
[Cherry tags in Tammé]
Sam: Not looking good for the white supremacists
[Tammé grabs Stacey and puts her in an airplane spin before dropping her. She then chases after her before ripping her white sheet and pulling off her mask. Stacey runs out of the ring]
Stacey: We weren't supposed to show our faces!
[Dawn and Stacey run off]
Keith: Oh, we got some winners. Let's go, ladies. Welfare Queen and Junkchain!
[crowd cheers for Cherry and Tammé]
Sam: All right, it looks like the Black Panthers, or whatever they're supposed to be, have won. Justice has been served. Jesse Jackson will be our next President.

Stacey: Well, I'd date him.
Dawn: Stacey!
Stacey: What? He's cute, he's lonely, and his cock works great.
Dawn: You can't believe everything you see on TV.
Keith: And I'm uncomfortable now. Good night, ladies.

[Stacey takes a quick smoke from a pipe]
Stacey: This will be my masterpiece.
Dawn: Okay, I can't wait.
Stacey: All right.
[Stacey picks up the phone and dials]
Stacey: Hello? Yes, is this Melanie Rosen?
Melanie: Yeah?
Stacey: Melanie Danielle Rosen?
Melanie: Mm-hmm.
Stacey: Yes, this is Lisa from Dr. Goldberg's office. We have your test results. You have AIDS... in your butt.
Melanie: Oh, my God. Really? Because I was just in my really good friends Dawn and Stacey's room, and suddenly, out of nowhere, I started bleeding right out of my butt. And the only way I could get it to stop was to was by shoving both of their toothbrushes into my anus!
[Melrose hangs up and storms out of her room]
Melanie: Get a life, you fucking hags!
[walks back into her room]
Melanie: How does everyone know my fucking real name?
Jenny: I don't know.
Melanie: What are you doing?
Jenny: My hair.
Melanie: For who?
Jenny: For me. Self-esteem. Hello?
Melanie: I can't look at you anymore. Any, any of you. I gotta get the fuck out of here.
Jenny: We could go out, but we have to be back by ten.
Melanie: Fuck!

Bash: And now, the final showdown for the first ever GLOW Crown! In one corner, from Bolshevik Russia and the rice paddies of China, respectively, at a combined weight of 227 pounds, Zoya the Destroya and Fortune Cookie!
[Ruth and Jenny enter the ring]
Bash: The red menace is certainly looking menacing tonight, folks. And here come their opponents. From the Sunshine Senior Living Facility in Las Vegas, Nevada, at a combined weight of... Aw, who the heck cares? It's Edna and Ethel Rosenblatt, a.k.a. The Beatdown Biddies!
Stacey: Thank you!
Dawn: Are you cheering? I can't hear you! Is it because I'm deaf?
Bash: Don't be fooled. These are two tough ladies. They lived through the Great Depression, World War II, poodle skirts, menopause. They're so old, their wrinkles got wrinkles!
Stacey: Don't clap for us. We're undecided!
Dawn: You can't fight me, because I'm old!
Stacey: Yeah!
Ruth: [Russian accent] Oh, I don't care about that. I will knock your dentures out.
Stacey: Oh, joke's on you. I got implants!
Jenny: Hey, shut up, you weak, geriatrical-type person!
Bash: And so far, it's just insults. Let's see if this Cold War will start heating up soon.
Dawn: I don't feel like wrestling.
Stacey: I wrestled last time.
Bash: Looks like the Biddies are deciding on who will fight first. Oh!
[Ruth and Jenny attack Dawn and Stacey]
Bash: But Zoya the Destroya and Fortune Cookie have pounced on their opponents! The rules have completely gone out the window! Wow, these girls are really disrespecting the elderly.
Stacey: I love you, but not that much.
[Ruth slingshots Jenny, but Dawn and Stacey clothesline her before attacking Ruth]
Bash: The Biddies are making a comeback! Their osteoporosis is in remission, and they're on the attack! And this is not a good day for communism. Fortune Cookie just head-scissored Ethel out of the ring! Fortune Cookie and Zoya are kicking Edna out on her side. Oh, my goodness. It looks like the evil empire has prevailed! Russia and China are tonight's winners!
[Ruth and Jenny shake hands, but Ruth suddenly shoves Keith and grabs Jenny]
Bash: What's this? Looks like Zoya's turning on her partner! She is! She's hammerlocking her. And now it's Russia versus China! The Sino-Soviet split is alive and well, here in California!
[Ruth suplexes Jenny and pins her]
Bash: A suplex! I can't believe it! Zoya has read Fortune Cookie her fortune, and it says, 'Loser'! China is out, folks. Russia's not sharing that crown with anyone!

[the ladies enter the Hayworth ballroom and notice the ring and seats]
Melanie: Holy shit. Okay, this is real. There are cameras.
Dawn: Does anyone else feel the need to pee and puke at the same time?
Stacey: Yeah.
Tammé: How are we gonna fill all these seats?
Bash: Oh, hey, ladies.
[Bash crawls in the ring]
Bash: What do you think, huh? Me and Florian and some of the bellhops have been working on it all morning. Check this out.
[Bash grabs the microphone]
Bash: Are you ready to rumble?
[loud feedback from mic]
Bash: Check.
Ruth: We gotta deal with that mic. Sheila?
Sheila the She: Yep. Sound. I'm on it.
[Sheila approaches the ring]
Bruce: Uh, hey, is the director around? We gotta position these tripods.
Ruth: Oh, no. No, no, no, no no. No tripods. Sorry.
Arturo: The network said they want to keep it simple.
Ruth: Well, the director's going for something a little, uh... different, you know? Uh, he wants the shots to feel... visceral.
Bruce: So, handheld.
Ruth: Yes, exactly. Move around with us, uh, pace the perimeter of the ring, both of you.
Bruce: Look, if we're both on the perimeter of the ring, you're gonna see at least one of us in every shot.
Ruth: You'll figure it out.

Melanie: And then I said, 'Oh God, the Baby!' You know, 'What's happening to the baby?' And then, you know, I squirted ketchup out of my vagina.
Sam: That was terrible. I, I didn't buy a single second of that. But, let's not throw out the baby with the bathwater. Oh, sorry, maybe it was a wrong metaphor. Sorry. I think there's something here. Look, I know you were just being an asshole, but if this were a real scene, there would be context, there'd be circumstances, there'd be characters, right? Legacy?
Carmen: Um...
Sam: Al right. Let's get inside this thing. What happened? The miscarriage, was it an accident? Was it, was it bad sushi?
Justine: She was kicked in the stomach by her Guatemalan swim coach who was jealous she lost her virginity to the captain of the diving team.
Sam: Wow. Good. Good. Kick in the stomach. I like that. Swim coach, I don't know. We can lose him. We need a better assailant. What animal would kick a pregnant woman in the belly? What kind of person would ruin the life of a gorgeous, successful, pregnant woman? What kind of homewrecker would do that?
[Ruth tries to hide in the crowd]
Sam: Ruth! This doesn't seem like too much of a stretch for you. Why don't you come in the ring? Join us.
Ruth: I want to, but I'm really not feeling well.
Sam: You know, Gene Kelly had the flu when he did the title number of Singin' in the Rain.
Ruth: It's true, he did.
[Ruth gets up and approaches the ring]
Sam: Look at this asshole. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. She's gonna destroy lives. Even tiny lives that haven't started yet. You're a horrible person, and you don't deserve to live.
Ruth: I think I deserve to live.
Sam: Hey, Uta Hagen. All right, take some fucking direction for a minute. All right, is that too much to ask? It's not about you. I'm trying to see if this skit works. Now circle the other one.
[Ruth and Melrose circle each other]
Sam: Okay, good. Okay, shit-stirrer. Let's work on your side. Because if there's one thing I've learned in my illustrious career, it's that you can't rely on a blood rig to sell a performance. Who are you? What kind of woman were you before you lost everything?
Melanie: I feel like I was the kind of...
Sam: Wait, I got it. You're smart. You're ambitious. Talented. But nobody sees that. All they see is the blonde knockout.
Melanie: Yeah, but I'm not blonde.
Sam: All right, shut the fuck up.
Melanie: Okay.
Stacey: I think he's talking about me.
Dawn: [pointing at Debbie] No. They're talking about her.
Stacey: That makes sense.