The Best Sheila the She-Wolf Quotes

Sam: All right, let's do this. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first ever match of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.
[crowd applauds faintly]
Bash: Brought to you by Patio Town!
Sam: All right. Pace yourselves. All right, first match. Battle of the Beasts. From the icy wastelands of the frozen north where she rapes, pillages, but mostly rapes, please boo for Vicky the Viking!
[Reggie approaches the ring while Sheila plays 'Theme of Exodus' on the keyboard]
Sam: Oh, okay. And now... from the cloud-crowned heights of the Andes known by the ancient Incas to be the palace of the gods, put your hands together for Machu Picchu!
[Sheila plays 'Theme of Exodus' on the keyboard]
Sam: Is that the only song you know?
Sheila the She: It is.
[Carmen approaches the ring]
Glen: I like her. She's very winning.
Bash: Great choice of words.
Sam: Here she is... Machu Picchu.
[Carmen stops outside the ring, sweating profusely as she looks at the crowd]
Reggie: Carmen, get in the ring.
Carmen: I can't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
[Carmen walks out of the gym]
Glen: Is she all right? Is this part of the gag?
Bash: Uh, you know, I'm not sure. I'm gonna go check it out.
Keith: The Viking wins! Yeah, all right.

[Melrose sits on the top turnbuckle]
Melanie: Adrian! Hey yo, Adrian!
Sam: Rocky! Get down from there. That's right. I came back. Don't all applaud at once.
[the ladies stand in position in the ring]
Sam: Okay. Light of day. Who'd I hire? Who are you people?
[removes jacket]
Sam: All right. Coming in.
[Sam enters the ring and nearly loses his balance]
Sam: Why don't we do this: When I point at you, you tell me your name, and if you have any... special skills or hidden talents, favorite sex positions. All right, who wants to go first?
[Melrose clears her throat and waves at Sam]
Sam: Yes, underwear-as-outerwear girl. Hit me.
[Melrose approaches Sam]
Melanie: Hi, I'm Melanie Rose. Call me Melrose. And my special skill is that I'm not fucking boring. Like, I can wake up in the morning with absolutely nothing to do, and just be in a Van Halen video by the end of the day. Um... Oh, also, uh... Any position with my legs over my head.
Sam: Okay. I dig it. I like the whole 'please objectify me' vibe.
Melanie: Thank you.
Sam: Tremendous.
[Melrose walks back to the corner of the ring]
Sam: Wolf lady, what's your story?
Sheila the She: Sheila. Sheila. And... I have a very acute sense of smell.
Sam: Yeah? What cologne am I wearing?
Sheila the She: Drakkar Noir.
Sam: Trick question. Not wearing cologne. But I do spray that on my clothes if I forget to do laundry, so you get points for that. Good job.
Sheila the She: Yeah. I love points.

Sam: [through the intercom] Ladies, hello. Hello, Gorgeous Ladies of GLOW. It's opening night. And... And listen, you know, I just wanna...
[clears throat]
Sam: I just wanna say that, uh, you... you've all worked very hard...
[Debbie turns off the intercom]
Debbie: Well, I did wanna say something... to all of you. Um... Ooh! I wasn't sure that we could, uh, bounce back after this morning.
Dawn: What happened this morning?
[everyone looks at Dawn]
Debbie: The Challenger.
Reggie: Oh, my God! I forgot about it too.
Yolanda: Oh, it's official. We're assholes.
Debbie: No, no, no. You were professionals. You were sad, but you pulled it together and you did your jobs. And tonight, thanks to your hard work...
Ruth: I'm... I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Can... Can we just take a moment of silence? We're so lucky to all be here together. I... I know we're not acknowledging anything in the show, but... can we have a moment? Is that okay?
Sheila the She: Yeah.
Debbie: Sure.
[the Ladies take their moment of silence in memory of the Challenger crew before Rhonda enters the dressing room with some balloons]
Rhonda: Sorry, I need to put these somewhere. Bash doesn't want balloons at the...
Sheila the She: Shh!
Carmen: We're having a moment of silence for the Challenger.
Rhonda: Oh, shit. Sorry.
[to the hotel staff]
Rhonda: Um, you can just put them in here.
[the bellboys drop the balloons in the dressing room]
Carmen: What's his problem with balloons?
Rhonda: Oh, no, no, no! Just... Just leave 'em. Um, they float about, and floating reminds him of the astronauts.
Melanie: That makes sense.
[as the Ladies continue their moment of silence, some of them begin playing with the balloons]

Ruth: Hey, Tammé, you're on.
Tammé: I'll be there in a second.
Ruth: [Ruth notices the ladies watching the Challenger disaster replay on TV] What is that?
Sheila the She: The Florida coast. We're just staring at the water where they crashed.
Carmen: I feel like if we keep watching, something might change.
Melanie: Ugh, this is like when my grandma was in a coma. We all just sat there, like sitting was gonna do something.
Cherry: Sometimes it does.
Melanie: Um, it didn't. She loved to keep people waiting.
Carmen: [Jenny enters the dressing room with some lit incense sticks and a bowl of ash and places them on the table] Jenny, there are no windows in here.
Jenny: Well, if there were, it'd be much easier to let out the bad energy.
Melanie: Well, if there were, it'd be much easier to let out the bad energy.
Jenny: I'm not. But my aunt once got into this really big car accident, and my dad said it was because our living room was painted purple.
[Jenny looks at Melrose, whose outfit is purple]

Sam: Ladies, get out your autograph books. I want you to meet the new star of GLOW, this is TV's own Debbie Morgan.
Debbie: Eagan.
Sam: Debbie Eagan.
Cherry: Where the hell have you been?
Sam: I've been working my ass off. I just drove to fucking Pasadena in the middle of the day.
Debbie: [sees Ruth] Are you insane? Am I on fucking Candid Camera? Why is she still here?
Sam: Oh, her. Yeah... I did... Look...
Cherry: While you been gone, we done a lot of fucking around.
Debbie: Take me home. Now. Give me your fucking keys. I'm taking your car.
Sam: Just give me a second.
Cherry: Oh no, we got some miscarriage bullshit to show you.
Sam: Wait, what?
Cherry: Oh, now I have your attention?
Cherry: You, just stop talking and give me, give me a minute, okay? Just give me a minute.
[looks at Debbie]
Cherry: Honey, honey, come with me. Come on. Come on. It's gonna be all right.
[Sheila approaches Ruth]
Sheila the She: Don't stand up straight.
Ruth: I'm...
Sheila the She: You have to be submissive. She's the Alpha and you're the Omega.
Ruth: I'm...
Sheila the She: Shh. You're gonna provoke her.
Ruth: Let me just...
Sheila the She: Slouch toward the ground. Now slouch. Submit. She might kill you.
Debbie: [looking at Ruth] What are you doing?
Sheila the She: She's submitting.
Debbie: No, don't even talk to me.

[Sam snorts some cocaine, then looks at Sheila]
Sam: Am I good?
Sheila the She Wolf: Yeah.
[Bash, wearing an Elvis jumpsuit, comes downstairs with the other ladies]
Sebastian: Ladies and gentlemen! Introducing the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling! Yes! Yes! Glorified, get in here. Get in here.
[Bash notices Rhonda carrying an Uzi]
Sebastian: Whoa, a gun! Cool!
Sam: What the fuck is this?
Sebastian: Costumes, characters.
[Sam looks at Tammé]
Sam: You look ridiculous.
Tammé: This is my new character, Sam. I'm not a pimp. I'm a queen.
Sebastian: We're exploring some ideas.
Sam: We don't need new ideas! I have ideas!
Sebastian: Sam, your ideas are so complicated. Okay.
[points at Melrose]
Sebastian: Check this chick out, right? This is clear. She's a sexy party girl. And she's a ripoff of Madonna, who is so huge right now.
Melanie: What?
Sebastian: And this one.
[points at Jenny]
Sebastian: She walks into the ring. There's no backstories or dialogue about where she came from. You look at her, what's the first thing that jumps out at you?
Rhonda: Her eyes.
Jenny: Aw!
Sebastian: Bingo! She's oriental!
Sebastian: [points at Reggie] You're a jock.
[points at Arthie]
Sebastian: You're an Arab.
[points at Tammé]
Sebastian: You're a big black girl.
Tammé: The fuck you say?
Sebastian: It's not a judgment. It's just what I and the entire world see with our eyes. And in wrestling, that is the foundation upon which we need to build.

[the ladies enter the Hayworth ballroom and notice the ring and seats]
Melanie: Holy shit. Okay, this is real. There are cameras.
Dawn: Does anyone else feel the need to pee and puke at the same time?
Stacey: Yeah.
Tammé: How are we gonna fill all these seats?
Bash: Oh, hey, ladies.
[Bash crawls in the ring]
Bash: What do you think, huh? Me and Florian and some of the bellhops have been working on it all morning. Check this out.
[Bash grabs the microphone]
Bash: Are you ready to rumble?
[loud feedback from mic]
Bash: Check.
Ruth: We gotta deal with that mic. Sheila?
Sheila the She: Yep. Sound. I'm on it.
[Sheila approaches the ring]
Bruce: Uh, hey, is the director around? We gotta position these tripods.
Ruth: Oh, no. No, no, no, no no. No tripods. Sorry.
Arturo: The network said they want to keep it simple.
Ruth: Well, the director's going for something a little, uh... different, you know? Uh, he wants the shots to feel... visceral.
Bruce: So, handheld.
Ruth: Yes, exactly. Move around with us, uh, pace the perimeter of the ring, both of you.
Bruce: Look, if we're both on the perimeter of the ring, you're gonna see at least one of us in every shot.
Ruth: You'll figure it out.

Sheila the She: [after the Challenger explosion] Come on, don't worry. It was only the local news.
Carmen: Yeah, it wasn't that bad.
Ruth: I made fun of a national tragedy on live TV.
Carmen: You were just being a good heel. And... we don't know if it's a tragedy. Maybe they survived.
Sheila the She: The shuttle plunged into the ocean. They're dead.

Ruth: Maybe we should have a safe word. Something we say if it's, like, mission abort?
Debbie: Well, who is that real estate guy whose name was on a bench outside your old apartment?
Ruth: Human Mabubuifarti?
Debbie: Yeah. God, I love that name.
Sam: Um, does anybody know how to play piano or keyboards?
Sheila the She: I do.
[Sheila exits the toilet stall]
Sam: Good. I have a job for you. Uh, also, I guess I should try to bolster you all. I wish I could tell you there's a full house out there, but there is not. It's respectable. About 20 to 30 people, freaks, some children, a homeless guy. Um... Anyway... Break a leg.
Ruth: Is that 'places'?
Sam: Sure, Ruth. Places.
Ruth: Thank you, places.

[Debbie enters Ruth and Sheila's room, while Sheila is watching Jeopardy!]
Debbie: Hey.
Ruth: Hey.
Debbie: I was gonna wear red.
Ruth: I can wear something else.
Sheila the She: What is The King and I?
Debbie: [turns around] Could you, um, give us one minute?
Sheila the She: No.
Debbie: Okay.
[Debbie turns back and approaches Ruth]
Debbie: So, I don't wanna look like an asshole on Friday.
Ruth: Oh, don't be so hard on yourself. Your wrestling has really improved.
Debbie: Oh, no, we're both gonna look like assholes. I mean, Cherry's moves are amateur hour. You know, there's no impact, and it's not exciting. At the men's match, Steel Horse rode in on a motorcycle and did, like, I don't... backflips and shit.
Ruth: You went to a wrestling match?
Debbie: Yeah, you're not the only one who does research.
Ruth: Well... I'll put in extra time, happily. Whatever you want. We can work around your schedule. Randy, whatever else you have going on with... life.
Debbie: [turns around and walks near the TV, noticing the next Jeopardy! answer] I'm not interested in getting coffee with you, or talking to you about my life, but, uh... we need to step it up, and Shaft's mom isn't gonna get us there.
Debbie: What is a brioche?

[Sheila answers the phone]
Sheila the She: Hello?
Stacey: I'm calling from Hellmann's Mayonnaise. Can you take a survey?
Sheila the She: A survey?
Stacey: Yes, yes. Mm-hmm.
Sheila the She: About mayonnaise?
Stacey: Yes, about mayonnaise.
Sheila the She: I always have time for condiments.
Stacey: Perfect.
[Ruth walks out of the bathroom]
Ruth: Oh, that shower is the best.
Sheila the She: No, I'm quite fastidious about following instructions on the label. Personal lubricant?
[Ruth sighs]
Sheila the She: No, I'm not sure I understand...
[Ruth grabs the phone and hangs up]

[Sheila walks toward the camera, leaning against the wall]
Sheila the She Wolf: I'm Sheila.
Sam: [looks at Bash] Anything to add?
Sebastian: No. I... I think it's pretty clear.

Sheila the She: I've worn this... or some version of this every day for the past five years. It's not a costume. Just me. And what I do in the morning... what I put on, what I wear... it's not for you. It's... it is for me.

Ruth: Maybe I could find an ushanka? You know, one of those big fur hats?
Sheila the She: If you need fur, I know a guy. We could also hunt it. There's a feral cat colony in that empty lot down the street.

[Melrose, Sheila, and Tammé approach moviegoers at the Hollywood Palladium]
Melanie: All right. Guys, you guys! All right, who wants to make ten bucks? Huh?
Tammé: Who here likes women's wrestling? Ten dollars, and all you have to do is sit in there.
Melanie: Fuck this time travel shit, okay? This movie's sold out till the midnight showing, anyways.
Dude: W-what are you?
Sheila the She: We're the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling. If you wanna see more, you're gonna have to take this money and meet me across the street at the Hayworth.