The Best Keith Bang Quotes

Keith: All right, first song to come on, it's an omen.
Melanie: Oh, no. I do not believe in radio voodoo.
[Keith turns on radio, which plays Howard Jones' 'Things Can Only Get Better']
Melanie: Oh.
Keith: Yeah.
Melanie: Oh, shit. It's a sign. Turn it up!
Keith: Yeah.

Sam: All right, let's do this. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first ever match of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.
[crowd applauds faintly]
Bash: Brought to you by Patio Town!
Sam: All right. Pace yourselves. All right, first match. Battle of the Beasts. From the icy wastelands of the frozen north where she rapes, pillages, but mostly rapes, please boo for Vicky the Viking!
[Reggie approaches the ring while Sheila plays 'Theme of Exodus' on the keyboard]
Sam: Oh, okay. And now... from the cloud-crowned heights of the Andes known by the ancient Incas to be the palace of the gods, put your hands together for Machu Picchu!
[Sheila plays 'Theme of Exodus' on the keyboard]
Sam: Is that the only song you know?
Sheila the She: It is.
[Carmen approaches the ring]
Glen: I like her. She's very winning.
Bash: Great choice of words.
Sam: Here she is... Machu Picchu.
[Carmen stops outside the ring, sweating profusely as she looks at the crowd]
Reggie: Carmen, get in the ring.
Carmen: I can't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
[Carmen walks out of the gym]
Glen: Is she all right? Is this part of the gag?
Bash: Uh, you know, I'm not sure. I'm gonna go check it out.
Keith: The Viking wins! Yeah, all right.

Cherry: Man, that Debbie. You can't tell that girl anything.
[Keith clears his throat, revealing his striped shirt]
Cherry: You going to a costume party?
Keith: Oh, that, uh, producer guy stopped by this afternoon. He said he heard I was available. Meet your new ref.
Cherry: What?
Keith: Yeah.
[Cherry runs and hugs Keith]
Keith: I'mma call every match for you.
Cherry: I only have one, and it's a tag-team match. I don't even get my own damn fight.
Keith: So, so, so? You will shine, no matter how many people are in that ring, okay? Just, uh, you know, add a little extra something-something.
Cherry: A little something?
Keith: Yeah, like a little...
[does some dodging moves]
Cherry: Like a little...
[imitates Keith]
Cherry: Like this?
Keith: Yeah. A little...
Cherry: A sprinkle like this?
[Keith grabs Cherry and drops her on the bed]
Keith: I'mma come in, like, 'One! Two! Three! Out!'
Cherry: We do not say, 'Out'!
Keith: You sure?

Sam: All right, well, this is definitely not a match for children. Or may... Or maybe it is. Maybe you're... You're really never too young to know about this country's racial history.
Keith: You guys got somebody over here for me?
Stacey: Come at me! Come at me!
Keith: Over here, who we got? All right. Let's go.
[Cherry puts Stacey in a headlock, but Stacey punches her in the stomach and trips her before smothering her with her outfit]
Sam: Ho ho! Ref, that's not legal. Get in there.
[Keith breaks the hold before Cherry gets up]
Cherry: I got this. Let's go, cracker.
[Cherry kicks Stacey]
Sam: Oh, this isn't as awful as I thought. Looks like the blacks have the upper hand. Helter Skelter, here we come.
[Cherry tags in Tammé]
Sam: Not looking good for the white supremacists
[Tammé grabs Stacey and puts her in an airplane spin before dropping her. She then chases after her before ripping her white sheet and pulling off her mask. Stacey runs out of the ring]
Stacey: We weren't supposed to show our faces!
[Dawn and Stacey run off]
Keith: Oh, we got some winners. Let's go, ladies. Welfare Queen and Junkchain!
[crowd cheers for Cherry and Tammé]
Sam: All right, it looks like the Black Panthers, or whatever they're supposed to be, have won. Justice has been served. Jesse Jackson will be our next President.

[Arthie does a senton bomb on Rhonda]
Bash: Holy Toledo! Beirut's signature move, the Lebanese Cannonball!
[Arthie celebrates when she notices a group of angry men at ringside]
Spitter: Fuck you, terrorist!
[spits chewing tobacco at Arthie]
Bash: Oh! Uh, and we've got some animated fans in the audience.
Angry: Dirty towelhead!
Angry: Fuck you!
[confused look in Arthie's face]
Bash: And it looks like evil's winning today.
Angry: Go back to the Middle East, dune coon!
[Angry fan throws a beer can at Arthie. Arthie dodges it, but it hits Rhonda in the forehead]
Bash: Oh! We've got a beer drinker here tonight, folks.
Angry: Fuck you!
Bash: That's okay. We're all having a good time.
[Keith checks the wound on Rhonda's forehead before confronting the fans]
Keith: What the fuck is your problem, man? Y'all got to go!
Angry: Screw you!
Keith: You don't want me to come out! I will fuck you up, baldy! And you, Gregg Allman!

Keith: You okay? Let me check you out.
Cherry: I got the part!
Keith: Oh, my God. I'm too excited to even concentrate.
Cherry: I just don't know what I'm gonna do.
Keith: Are you kidding me? It's a leading role. As soon as this is over, we're gonna party. We're gonna celebrate.

Sam: Oh! A dirty move by a dirty Russian. Zoya is a dirty, dirty girl.
[Ruth clotheslines Debbie then stomps on her]
Ruth: Stalin!
[crowd boos Ruth]
Ruth: You boo?
[Ruth continues to beat up Debbie]
Ruth: [Russian accent] So sad. So sad, Miss America! Get up! Come with me.
[Ruth slams Debbie's head on the turnbuckle before spearing her]
Sam: Is it over for the American dream? Is this bye-bye Miss American Pie?
Ruth: [Russian accent] No one can defeat Soviet Union!
Keith: Hey! You guys are doing great! Do you know what happens next? 'Cause I don't!
Ruth: Da.
Keith: Okay, go ahead. All right.
Debbie: [Southern accent] Please. Don't... I surrender. Let's talk this out like adults.
Ruth: [Russian accent] What's that, princess?
Debbie: Come here.
[Debbie grabs Ruth and slams her to the turnbuckle, punching and kicking her]
Debbie: [Southern accent] One quick question: How do you spell freedom? U-S-A!
[Debbie runs to the ropes and clotheslines Ruth. She throws Ruth toward the turnbuckle and charges toward her, but Ruth lifts herself out of the way]
Ruth: [Russian accent] USA dies! Woo!
[Ruth charges toward Debbie, but Debbie hits her in the face with her elbow before climbing the second rope. She is about to jump when she suddenly sees Mark in the crowd]
Ruth: [Russian accent] Stupid American Barbie! You think elbow to face will stop me?
[a distraught Debbie walks out of the ring to follow Mark toward the locker room]
Ruth: [Russian accent] Classic American! You run away! Bye-bye!

Sam: As my Aunt Jeanette used to say: 'This nursing home is a waiting room of hell.' And these two old bats are straight out of it. Clack your dentures together for Ethel and Edna, the Beatdown Biddies.
[Dawn and Stacey approach the ring wearing Ku Klux Klan outfits]
Dawn: White Power! White Power!
Dawn: Segregation forever!
Sam: What the fuck is happening?
Keith: Unh-unh. No. That's not appropriate. That's not right. You can't come in there with that on. Come in here wearing sheets?
Sam: Ladies and gentlemen, this is some inappropriate social satire. I don't know what to say.
[Cherry and Tammé approach the ring]
Cherry: Someone needs to teach these Casper-looking racist idiots a lesson.
Tammé: Yeah, I might be a Welfare Queen, but I don't tolerate no bigots!
[Tammé slides in the ring, chasing Dawn and Stacey]
Keith: Save it for the match. Come on. Save it.

[Keith answers the phone]
Keith: Keith Bang.
Dawn: Where's the beef?
Keith: Excuse me?
Dawn: We've been wondering, sir, exactly where you've been putting your beef.
[Dawn and Stacey laugh on the other line]

Stacey: Well, I'd date him.
Dawn: Stacey!
Stacey: What? He's cute, he's lonely, and his cock works great.
Dawn: You can't believe everything you see on TV.
Keith: And I'm uncomfortable now. Good night, ladies.