Top 50 Quotes From Marc Maron

[Rhonda hands Sam her waiver and her window blinds ad as her headshot]
Sam: You seem to be very versatile with window coverings.
Rhonda: Well, I'm from London, so...
Sam: I don't know what that means.
Rhonda: Yeah.

Sam: Can you hang back a few minutes? Doesn't look good, us going in together. Need to keep it professional.
Rhonda: It's not professional. We're shagging.

[Sam is typing his script when he hears a knock on his door. He opens the door and sees his ex-wife]
Sam: Oh.
Carolyn: You were supposed to drop the dog off on Tuesday. This is getting ridiculous.
Sam: I've been busy.
Carolyn: Can I have Lenny, please?
Sam: No, you can't.
Carolyn: Why not?
Sam: Because he's dead. He got hit by a car, a Saab, and I just didn't have time to call you. I'm sorry. I know this is probably devastating for you. I mean, I've had a week, so, I've kind of... moved through it. But, uh, I have the number of the woman that hit him, if you wanna call her and cry. Do you wanna call her and cry? 'Cause I don't really want you to cry here.
[Lenny barks from the hallway door. Carolyn picks him up]
Carolyn: You belong in an asylum.
Sam: Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you? Just me all chained up and drooling and, and lobotomized with my balls cut off.
Carolyn: You never had any balls to begin with.
[Carolyn walks out of the house with Lenny]
Sam: I did before I married you! But there's one ball you can't castrate. That's the mind!

[Melrose sits on the top turnbuckle]
Melanie: Adrian! Hey yo, Adrian!
Sam: Rocky! Get down from there. That's right. I came back. Don't all applaud at once.
[the ladies stand in position in the ring]
Sam: Okay. Light of day. Who'd I hire? Who are you people?
[removes jacket]
Sam: All right. Coming in.
[Sam enters the ring and nearly loses his balance]
Sam: Why don't we do this: When I point at you, you tell me your name, and if you have any... special skills or hidden talents, favorite sex positions. All right, who wants to go first?
[Melrose clears her throat and waves at Sam]
Sam: Yes, underwear-as-outerwear girl. Hit me.
[Melrose approaches Sam]
Melanie: Hi, I'm Melanie Rose. Call me Melrose. And my special skill is that I'm not fucking boring. Like, I can wake up in the morning with absolutely nothing to do, and just be in a Van Halen video by the end of the day. Um... Oh, also, uh... Any position with my legs over my head.
Sam: Okay. I dig it. I like the whole 'please objectify me' vibe.
Melanie: Thank you.
Sam: Tremendous.
[Melrose walks back to the corner of the ring]
Sam: Wolf lady, what's your story?
Sheila the She: Sheila. Sheila. And... I have a very acute sense of smell.
Sam: Yeah? What cologne am I wearing?
Sheila the She: Drakkar Noir.
Sam: Trick question. Not wearing cologne. But I do spray that on my clothes if I forget to do laundry, so you get points for that. Good job.
Sheila the She: Yeah. I love points.

Cherry: Don't bring shit up like that, man.
Sam: What? History is a beautiful thing.
[Sam opens a locker and grabs a bag]
Sam: Oh! I haven't talked to you since the... you know, the... the whole...
Cherry: What?
Sam: Uh... womb goof.
Cherry: Miscarriage?
Sam: Yeah. I was trying to come up with a tactful euphemism.
Melanie: I hear nothing. I'm not hearing anything.
Cherry: It was two years ago, and I'm fine. Again, can you keep my business to yourself?
Sam: Just trying to be sensitive.
[Sam opens the bag and finds several script books, revealing the bag to be Ruth's]
Sam: Oh, yes.
Cherry: What the hell are you up to?
[Sam grabs Ruth's phone book]
Sam: Hold on. Here we go. Okay.
[Sam turns the pages and rips the one with Debbie's address before returning the book to the bag]
Sam: I got my methods. Trust me.
[as Sam walks out, Melrose exits the toilet stall]
Melanie: Oh, I trust him. Who doesn't trust a man with a mustache full of coke?

Sam: Hey.
Rhonda: Hey. Can I get a little kiss for luck?
Sam: You're not gonna need luck. I scripted the match so you'll win.
[Sam kisses Rhonda, then Justine appears]
Justine: Did you ask her about your camera?
Sam: What?
Justine: Your camera. It's in her locker. We all saw it.
Sam: Just go get ready. Now.
[Justine walks away]
Sam: What did you do to her? Why is she trying to frame you?
Rhonda: She's jealous, all right? She's just got a crush on you. Oh, my God. Think about it, okay? Brilliant director. She's seen every one of your films. She swoons every time you walk in a room.
Sam: Okay, all right. So, so, what am I supposed to do about that?
Rhonda: Be kind and generous to her, like you are with everyone.

[Sam shows Glen Klitnick some storyboards of GLOW]
Sam: So it's, it's, it's deeper than that, really. Okay? They're gonna be wrestling with their own female stereotypes, metaphorically. Do you understand? And I think that's something that's really gonna resonate with female audiences. And guys... Well, guys, let's be honest. They're gonna watch because girls wrestling is fucking hot.
Bash: [giggles] Sure, sure. Though, though Glen's Saturday morning programming primarily targets kids.
Sam: Hot and family friendly, Glen. Porn you can watch with your kids. Finally.
[pause, then Glen laughs]
Glen: Well, I have to say this is all very strong. Strong concept. Strong timeslot. I feel like we could be making something very special. Providing... we find the right sponsor.
Bash: Sure.
Sam: Wait, aren't you the sponsor?
Bash: Uh, Sam, I'm the producer. Heh. Sponsor pays for airtime. How we doing with that, Glen?
Glen: Well, we have a great lead. Booming local business looking to expand their profile throughout the region. Patio Town.
Sam: You mean, like, bird baths and shit?
Glen: Yeah. Bird baths, furniture, custom fire pits, you know. They're the number two purveyor of indoor/outdoor lifestyle in Southern California.
Sam: Wow.
Bash: What can we do, Glen?
Glen: They have a brand-new location in Calabasas. Grand opening this Friday, the owner will be there. We thought it might be a wonderful opportunity for a little meet and greet. Bring a couple of the girls, you know. That zippy Ruth girl. Nail this puppy down.
Bash: We're gonna nail this puppy down so hard, it'll think it's been crucified, huh?

Ruth: Hey! Are you joining the team? Is she joining the team?
Debbie: Well, it's hard to pass up a starring role.
[looks at Sam]
Debbie: So we need to pick up Randy from my parents' house, and I need chow fun from Two Panda Deli.
Sam: Okay.
[Debbie gets in Sam's car]
Ruth: So, um... so, I'm fired?
Sam: No! Are you an idiot? You're chum. You're blood in the water. Debbie's the hero and you're the villain. Everybody's gonna hate you!
Ruth: I don't want everyone to hate me.
Sam: Oh, Christ. Crying, caring, the desperation. That, that's what makes you unbearable. Look, I don't like you, Strindberg. Take that in. Hold on to it. Try not giving a fuck. There's a lot of power in that.
[Sam approaches his car]
Sam: And relax. The devil gets all the best lines.

Cherry: I'm Ju... What is it?
Sam: Junkchain.
[pause]
Cherry: I'm Junkchain, and I bring the pain. Peace.

Arthie: Hey, how was the meditation retreat?
[suddenly notices the alcohol on Sam's breath]
Arthie: Whoa. What is that smell?
Sam: Bourbon and despair. Where is Justine?
Arthie: Uh, she probably spent the night at Billy's.
Sam: Billy? Who the fuck is Billy?
Ruth: Oh, see, that sounded very paternal.
Sam: Shut up.
Arthie: He's this guy. He delivers pizza. Are you coming in the limo with us?
Ruth: Sam's gonna follow us there.
Arthie: That's probably better.
Ruth: Okay, thanks.
[Arthie runs to the limo]
Ruth: Look. She's not gonna miss shooting the pilot.
Sam: [sighs] I think she's gone. I-I'd be gone if I were her.
Ruth: You know, if she's anything like you, she's stubborn and confrontational, so, go find her. But, brush your teeth first. I'll keep things moving.

Melanie: And then I said, 'Oh God, the Baby!' You know, 'What's happening to the baby?' And then, you know, I squirted ketchup out of my vagina.
Sam: That was terrible. I, I didn't buy a single second of that. But, let's not throw out the baby with the bathwater. Oh, sorry, maybe it was a wrong metaphor. Sorry. I think there's something here. Look, I know you were just being an asshole, but if this were a real scene, there would be context, there'd be circumstances, there'd be characters, right? Legacy?
Carmen: Um...
Sam: Al right. Let's get inside this thing. What happened? The miscarriage, was it an accident? Was it, was it bad sushi?
Justine: She was kicked in the stomach by her Guatemalan swim coach who was jealous she lost her virginity to the captain of the diving team.
Sam: Wow. Good. Good. Kick in the stomach. I like that. Swim coach, I don't know. We can lose him. We need a better assailant. What animal would kick a pregnant woman in the belly? What kind of person would ruin the life of a gorgeous, successful, pregnant woman? What kind of homewrecker would do that?
[Ruth tries to hide in the crowd]
Sam: Ruth! This doesn't seem like too much of a stretch for you. Why don't you come in the ring? Join us.
Ruth: I want to, but I'm really not feeling well.
Sam: You know, Gene Kelly had the flu when he did the title number of Singin' in the Rain.
Ruth: It's true, he did.
[Ruth gets up and approaches the ring]
Sam: Look at this asshole. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. She's gonna destroy lives. Even tiny lives that haven't started yet. You're a horrible person, and you don't deserve to live.
Ruth: I think I deserve to live.
Sam: Hey, Uta Hagen. All right, take some fucking direction for a minute. All right, is that too much to ask? It's not about you. I'm trying to see if this skit works. Now circle the other one.
[Ruth and Melrose circle each other]
Sam: Okay, good. Okay, shit-stirrer. Let's work on your side. Because if there's one thing I've learned in my illustrious career, it's that you can't rely on a blood rig to sell a performance. Who are you? What kind of woman were you before you lost everything?
Melanie: I feel like I was the kind of...
Sam: Wait, I got it. You're smart. You're ambitious. Talented. But nobody sees that. All they see is the blonde knockout.
Melanie: Yeah, but I'm not blonde.
Sam: All right, shut the fuck up.
Melanie: Okay.
Stacey: I think he's talking about me.
Dawn: [pointing at Debbie] No. They're talking about her.
Stacey: That makes sense.

Rhonda: Roger Moore is by far the best Bond.
Sam: Nobody thinks that.

Goliath: Let's go.
Carmen: No. I'm staying here.
Goliath: You wrestle over my dead body.
Carmen: You let Tommy and Kurt do it.
Goliath: It's different. They're big, dumb boys. I want you to find a nice man, have a family, find a job where people treat you with respect.
Carmen: People respect me here.
Goliath: Nobody respects a lady wrestler, sweetie. It's like the midgets. You're a sideshow.
Sam: Hey, hey, you can't talk to her like that.
Carmen: It's fine. It's how we talk.
Sam: No, it's not fine. This guy... you can't just come into my gym and disrespect one of my actors. I mean, I know you're some big, famous giant, but you're an asshole, and you wear oversize diapers for a living.
[Goliath slaps Sam]
Sam: Oh, Goddammit! Jesus! Fuck! A fucking backhand? What am I? Some mouthy housewife?
Goliath: Want me to hit you like you're a real man?
Sam: Whatever you gotta do to get the fuck outta here.
Carmen: Okay, enough. Dad, stop. I'll go.
[pause]
Carmen: Sorry, Sam.

[Sam enters the gym]
Sam: Okay. I said I'd do anything, so here we fucking are. Okay.
[clears throat]
Sam: Hello, ladies. I'm Sam Sylvia. Today, we're just gonna be doing first looks and first cuts.
Ruth: Are there sides?
Arthie: I didn't get any sides.
Sam: This is how this is gonna go, all right? No more talking. Just sit there, and look at me and smile. Okay?
Cherry: How about you tell us what the hell we're doing here?
Sam: Oh... hi, Cherry.
Cherry: Hey, baby.
Sam: How you doin', baby? Mm-hmm.
Cherry: Good. This another one of your trashy vampire movies?
Sam: What? No. This is not a movie. This is GLOW.
Ruth: Sorry, what's GLOW?
Sam: Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling. This is a wrestling television show. Only ladies. Lady wrestling. Just like the big guys, but girls. Get it? Girl on girl.
Arthie: So like, Hulk Hogan?
Sam: If one of you turns out to be like Hulk Hogan, I've hit the fucking jackpot.
[several girls raise their hands]
Sam: All right, take it easy. This is what's happening, all right. Yes, this is a wrestling show. And yes, you're all gonna have to actually wrestle on cable television for thousands of people. That means... tit grabs. Cunt punches. Shrinky dinks. That move that looks like a catfight, but fancy. Did I say cunt punches? Okay, good. So, if any of you have a problem with, uh, doing a wrestling show, I suggest you leave now.
[half the attendees begin to leave the gym]
Sam: Thank you. Really? You're going? Thank you.
[Sam lights up a cigarette. Jenny is about to walk out when she decides to stay]
Sam: What happened there? You just... decided? All right, for those remaining, congratulations. You've made it through the first round of cuts. Pretty painless, right? All right, so I guess what we gotta do now is, I'm gonna sit over there, and you guys are gonna line up, get your headshots out, and I'm also gonna have you sign a waiver in case of, uh, serious injury and/or death.

[Mr. Shark sniggers in schadenfreude]
Mr. Snake: Oh, no! No way!
Mr. Wolf: Snake.
Mr. Snake: [goes to sit with Mr. Shark] Oh, alright, alright...
Mr. Shark: This is going to taste extra sweet, 'cause I know how bad you want it
[Mr. Snake struggles, clearly reluctant to share the push pop]
Mr. Shark: Pop me, please.
[opens wide his mouth]
Mr. Snake: [struggles even more, quivering and sweating under the superhuman effort he's doing] Nope!
[slurps the push pop in one gulp]
Mr. Snake: Sucker!
Mr. Shark: THAT'S IT!
[grabs Mr. Snake]
Mr. Shark: I'LL TEACH YOU TO SHARE!
[proceeds to swallow Mr. Snake whole, much to everyone's surprise]
Mr. Shark: I like sharing, he's yummy.
Mr. Snake: [from inside Mr. Shark's stomach] Totally worth it!
Professor: [understandably petrified] Well, that's terrifying.

Melanie: Hi, I'm Melrose. I'm a bad, bad girl who likes to party, party, party. And Daddy's been a bad, bad boy!
[pulls out whip]
Melanie: Come here, Daddy!
Sam: I think, uh... I should pull back on the dominatrix thing.
Sebastian: Yeah, just a tad.

Reggie: I'm a two-time... Olympic... medalist... who loves America. I'm Liberty Belle.
[Debbie approaches Sam and Bash]
Debbie: [whispers] Can I please do this character?
[Sam and Bash re-take the promo with Debbie wearing Reggie's medals]
Debbie: Because I'm a two-time Olympic medalist who loves America. I'm Liberty Belle.
Reggie: [looks at Sam and Bash] I'm the athlete. Those are my actual medals.
Sebastian: She seemed more All-American.
Sam: Just... We're... We got a different part for you. It's a big juicy part.
Reggie: Why don't I believe you?
[Sam and Bash cut a promo with Reggie wearing a Viking helmet]
Reggie: I am Vicky Viking.
Sebastian: Yes.

Mr. Snake: Nope!
[swallows the push pop]
Mr. Snake: Sucker!
Mr. Shark: That's it! I'll teach you to share!
[eats Mr. Snake]

Ruth: [Russian accent] Mmm. Delicious. In Soviet Union, we must pay one month's salary for this quality of cat.
[Sam laughs]
Ruth: [Russian accent] Mm. Foster's Freeze. We have same place. Ice Cream Gulag. There, you go in, it's so cold, you die.
Sam: [laughs] I like you like this. I like you more than I usually like you.
Ruth: [Russian accent] Mm. Is because you are weak American. I will destroy all you hold dear.
Sam: Russians, best villains since the Nazis. It's too bad you can't do it for real.
Ruth: Why can't I do it for real?
Sam: Well, if you're Russian. you have to fight the all-American hero, and Debbie's not even talking to you.
Ruth: Well, you never know. She could change her mind.
[Russian accent]
Ruth: Is like old Russian saying: A fisherman cannot kill a chicken till there are no more fish in the sea.
[Sam giggles, while Rhonda has an uncomfortable look]
Rhonda: I need to wee.
Sam: So? Go.
Rhonda: Don't you want to come with me?
Sam: What?
[a disappointed Rhonda steps out of the car]

Ruth: [Yiddish accent] Shalom, everyone! Shalom! Mazel, mazel! I am Gittel, the Orthodox Warrior! It's all about the Jews now.
Melanie: What the fuck is this?
Ruth: [Yiddish accent] I will beat you with a chicken. I will lock you up with my completely covered legs and guilt you into submission.
Sam: What now?
Ruth: It's my new character. See... Look, you're right, you're right. If Russia can't go to war with America, what's the point? Right? So, I'm gonna take...
[points at Arthie]
Ruth: the terrorist, and we are gonna kill. I'm gonna... I'm gonna build settlements all over your ass, and then you're gonna try to blow me up, but it won't work because I'm too clever and thrifty. And then I'll just... Like I'll enter the ring with 17 children who have those little curls and... Oh God! It's gonna be great! I mean, uh, don't get me wrong. I love the Russians. I love the Russians. Could have gone all the way with the Russians, who are... They're pretty big Streisand fans, by the way. But then again, who isn't? I gotta adjust. So, it's all about going with the flow. Just... Come on, bitch. Watch me drop some Talmud on your head.
Arthie: Um...
Melanie: You don't...
Arthie: I, I've been working on stuff with Melrose.
[frustrated look on Ruth's face]
Ruth: What am I supposed to do?
[pause]
Debbie: [Southern accent] Typical whiny Soviet.
[Debbie drops ice pack and heads down to the ring]
Debbie: [Southern accent] 'What should I do? I'm so cold, so I only dress in gray and build things out of cinder block.' Lousy Commies. You think your nukes are so big? Wait till you get a load of our warheads. Because this is the greatest country on Earth, and I am willing to fight for it.
Sam: Yeah.
Debbie: Let's go, you dirty Russian.

Debbie: What the fuck was that?
Sam: What? You guys had your sneaky little plan, I had mine.
Ruth: It's called a work.
Sam: Well, mine was called, 'Don't be fucking predictable.'
Ruth: Ours wasn't predictable. It was a tag-team match into a double-cross into a phoenix rising from the crowd, which is all very surprising.
Sam: Yeah, and then the American hero wins the Crown? Come on.
Debbie: So, what? Now it's all about trying to win the Crown back from Welfare Queen?
Sam: Yeah. The money's in the chase. I think I'm gonna roll credits over this mayhem.
[Sam walks toward the ring]
Ruth: I think our match was good.
Debbie: I mean, I'm sure I'll hate it when I see it, but it felt good.
Ruth: Debbie, we were great.
[pause]
Ruth: You wanna grab a drink?
Debbie: No. We're not there.

[Sam looks at Carmen's birthday photo]
Sam: Your eyes are closed.
Carmen: That's what happens when you blow.
Sam: Can you blow with your eyes open?
Carmen: Okay.
[Carmen blows with her eyes open and points at her eyes]

Ruth: [British accent] Do you normally like to watch her wee? Is that something you fancy?
Sam: All right, okay, shut up.
Ruth: You're fucking her.
Sam: You fucked what's-his-name.
Ruth: He wasn't my boss.
Sam: Right. He was your best friend's husband.
[pause]
Sam: Sorry. That was defensive. I'm sorry.
[pause]
Sam: I have a flaw in my conflict style, according to my ex-wife's cognitive behavioral therapist. Why did you do it?
Ruth: Why does anyone make a stupid, horrible mistake?
Sam: Well, for me, it's usually 'cause I'm high, or drunk, or someone has done something to make me feel so small and so insecure, that I have to do something to remind myself that I exist. But you don't seem like that kind of person.
Ruth: What kind of person do I seem like?
Sam: An okay person.
[Rhonda enters the car]
Rhonda: You know, Sam and I are shagging.
[embarrassed look in Sam's face as he starts the car]

[Sam exits his office to face the candidates]
Sam: Okay. Five minutes, everybody.
[Ruth storms in the gym, wearing makeup and a wrestling costume]
Ruth: Hey!
[Ruth points at Sam]
Ruth: You're wrong about me.
Sam: Yeah, I doubt it.
Cherry: Damn, girl.
[Ruth enters the ring. She takes off her cape and struggles to throw it out of the ring]
Ruth: How long must this... go on? This punishment? Haven't I served my term?
[stomps on ring]
Ruth: Can't I apply... for a pardon?
[grabs stool and threatens to throw it]
Ruth: You know what I feel like? I feel... all the time... like a cat...
[hisses]
Ruth: ...on a hot tin roof.
[stomps on ring, then does a forward roll]
Ruth: ...who has come here to save...
[jumps on the turnbuckle and points at the other candidates and Sam]
Ruth: You! And you! And You! From evil.
[gets down from turnbuckle and jumps to the ropes, barely balancing herself]
Ruth: Train. Say your prayers. Eat your vitamins. 'Cause, uh...

Debbie: You need to hire someone else, someone without rage issues.
Sam: One's too hot, one's too cold. Goldilocks, why are you fighting the inevitable?
Debbie: Because she fucked my husband!
Sam: Oh, so what? That's life. Get over it already. You still have to wake up and be a professional. You can't just go out and do coke and piss away all your money and screw people who are named after liqueurs. I mean, what happens then?
Debbie: You end up here?
Sam: You end up here.
Debbie: Okay, well, I am trying to make the best of a bad situation. I mean, how much worse can it get?
Sam: Worse? You're young, you're working. I mean, shut the fuck up,
Debbie: I could be at home with my baby.
Sam: Oh, my God! Not this again. Please. Babies are boring. I mean, they don't party, they haven't traveled, they have no sense of irony. And you love this shit. You love being a temperamental star. I know you do. If you were sitting at home with that kid, your life would become just anger and resentment. No work, no husband. You would burn up in a smoldering ash heap of rage and disappointment. You think that's good for you or your boring baby? It's not. Look. Ruth is the right match for you.
Debbie: Sam.
Sam: Because one, she's actually talented, and two, she's gonna make you look great. Hate her all you want.

[Sam looks at Justine's photo]
Sam: How old are you?
[pause]
Justine: Nineteen?
Sam: Yeah?
Justine: Yeah.
Sam: Okay, we'll see.

Jenny: I am one who is cute like panda. I'm in danger. Help me! Save me!
[grabs sword]
Jenny: Ha ha! Trick you! Because I am fast like dragon!
[pulls sword]
Jenny: I am Fortune Cookie...
[points sword at camera]
Jenny: ... and Asian.
[Bash whistles]
Sam: Yeah?
Sebastian: Yeah. Definitely.

Sam: All right, well, this is definitely not a match for children. Or may... Or maybe it is. Maybe you're... You're really never too young to know about this country's racial history.
Keith: You guys got somebody over here for me?
Stacey: Come at me! Come at me!
Keith: Over here, who we got? All right. Let's go.
[Cherry puts Stacey in a headlock, but Stacey punches her in the stomach and trips her before smothering her with her outfit]
Sam: Ho ho! Ref, that's not legal. Get in there.
[Keith breaks the hold before Cherry gets up]
Cherry: I got this. Let's go, cracker.
[Cherry kicks Stacey]
Sam: Oh, this isn't as awful as I thought. Looks like the blacks have the upper hand. Helter Skelter, here we come.
[Cherry tags in Tammé]
Sam: Not looking good for the white supremacists
[Tammé grabs Stacey and puts her in an airplane spin before dropping her. She then chases after her before ripping her white sheet and pulling off her mask. Stacey runs out of the ring]
Stacey: We weren't supposed to show our faces!
[Dawn and Stacey run off]
Keith: Oh, we got some winners. Let's go, ladies. Welfare Queen and Junkchain!
[crowd cheers for Cherry and Tammé]
Sam: All right, it looks like the Black Panthers, or whatever they're supposed to be, have won. Justice has been served. Jesse Jackson will be our next President.

Sam: As my Aunt Jeanette used to say: 'This nursing home is a waiting room of hell.' And these two old bats are straight out of it. Clack your dentures together for Ethel and Edna, the Beatdown Biddies.
[Dawn and Stacey approach the ring wearing Ku Klux Klan outfits]
Dawn: White Power! White Power!
Dawn: Segregation forever!
Sam: What the fuck is happening?
Keith: Unh-unh. No. That's not appropriate. That's not right. You can't come in there with that on. Come in here wearing sheets?
Sam: Ladies and gentlemen, this is some inappropriate social satire. I don't know what to say.
[Cherry and Tammé approach the ring]
Cherry: Someone needs to teach these Casper-looking racist idiots a lesson.
Tammé: Yeah, I might be a Welfare Queen, but I don't tolerate no bigots!
[Tammé slides in the ring, chasing Dawn and Stacey]
Keith: Save it for the match. Come on. Save it.

Rhonda: [looking through the drawers] Do you have any suspenders or, like, a bow tie, or something?
Sam: Could, could you stop ransacking my drawers, please?
Rhonda: I'm working on my costume, okay? Plaits, glasses, braces, and a bow tie?
Sam: You're gonna look like that asshole in AC/DC.
[pause]
Rhonda: You're nervous about the match tomorrow.
Sam: Yeah, I'm nervous. I don't wanna talk about it.
Rhonda: Okay.
[Rhonda turns around and walks away]
Sam: Wait. Where are you going?
[Rhonda brings out a videotape]
Rhonda: The good luck present i made you.
Sam: What is that?
Rhonda: It's a video. Of me.
Sam: Oh, yeah?
Rhonda: Shall I put it on?
Sam: Yeah, absolutely.
[Rhonda inserts the tape in the VCR and plays her rap video]
Sam: Are you rapping?
Rhonda: Um... I'm speak-singing. Like Rex Harrison in My Fair Lady.
Sam: How did you shoot this?
Rhonda: Oh, on the video camera I found in my locker.
Sam: My video camera... was in your locker? Why didn't you tell me about this?
Rhonda: Because I wanted to surprise you.

Sam: Now, here you are. You're ripe. Fecund. A custodian of new life. You're a... you're a fertile harvest goddess. Now... pull your shoulders back, and, and strut like you own the ring.
[Melrose starts skipping]
Sam: What is that?
Melanie: Oh, I added...
Sam: I said strut, like you own the ring.
Melanie: Yeah, but...
Sam: No. That's like a saunter. All right. Okay. Now stick your belly out a little bit. You're pregnant. Everything is fine. Everything is ideal. Until... the Homewrecker arrives. She has nothing. No man, no love, no friends. Her hair is brown, the color of shit.
[disgusted look on Ruth's face]
Sam: All right. Now lunge and miss. Wake up, Ruth! Time to act. Lunge and miss.
[Ruth lunges toward Melrose, but Melrose dodges her]
Sam: Yes. Great. Now it's time for the big move. You're gonna kick her in the stomach, set off a miscarriage that will ruin not one life, not two lives, but three lives in the process. Let's go! Kick! It's like a punch with your leg.
Ruth: Can I do the lockup instead, where I hug her?
Sam: Oh my God. No. Kick!
[Ruth barely kicks Melrose, who hurls herself to the ropes]
Sam: Yeah. Give words to the pain.
Melanie: Oh my God, it hurts! Fuck! Am I having a miscarriage? Ah! Oh no! Oh no! Am I bleeding?
Sam: All right, give me the ketchup bottle.
Melanie: I feel like I'm bleeding! Oh, someone help!
Sam: Since we're not making Apocalypse now, let's add a little fun back in.
[Sam squirts ketchup on Melrose's crotch, then all over Ruth]
Sam: Yeah. Now that is a fuckin' miscarriage.
[Ruth steps out of the ring in disgust while Cherry gets up and leaves and Debbie smiles]

[Sheila walks toward the camera, leaning against the wall]
Sheila the She Wolf: I'm Sheila.
Sam: [looks at Bash] Anything to add?
Sebastian: No. I... I think it's pretty clear.

Carmen: Dad!
[silence, as Goliath Jackson and his sons approach the ring]
Bash: Oh! Goliath Jackson. This is such an honor. I'm a huge fan. I'm a Goliath fan.
Goliath: You the promoter?
Bash: No. I'm more of, like, the brainchild, the mastermind-slash-fairy godfather. We don't have a promoter.
Goliath: Who's in charge, then?
Sam: I'm in charge.
Goliath: You?
Sam: Yeah. I'm the director.
Mighty: Did you direct Star Wars?
Sam: No, I didn't direct Star Wars.
[disappointed look in Mighty Tom's face]
Big: Love Star Wars.

Debbie: Shot of tequila. Thank you.
Sam: Hey. What the hell are you doing out here? You, you're the fucking title match. I mean, get backstage, get dressed.
Debbie: Well, Sam, you left, so, everyone had to make decisions.
Sam: What are you talking about? I mean, this whole thing builds to the U.S. versus Russia.
Debbie: Ruth has a whole contingency plan. It's, trust me. It'll be fine.
Sam: What? Is she gonna wrestle Keith?
Debbie: Relax. Ruth could wrestle herself and be entertaining.
Sam: You're a fucking quitter.
Debbie: I'm a quitter?
[Sam nods while Debbie drinks her tequila shot]
Debbie: Can we get this guy some coffee?

[first lines]
Mr. Snake: Stop.
Mr. Wolf: I'll stop if you just explain it to me, because I don't...
Mr. Snake: Would you please just drop it?
Mr. Wolf: All right, all right, fine, fine, fine, fine. Consider it dropped. It's dropped. It's on the ground.
Mr. Snake: Good.
Mr. Wolf: But, I mean, come on, everybody loves birthdays. You got decorations. You got balloons. You got parties and cake.
Mr. Snake: Look, I don't need presents, I don't want decorations, and I'm-I'm not a cake guy.
Mr. Wolf: Seriously, though, you don't like cake? Name one food better than cake.
Mr. Snake: Guinea pig.
Mr. Wolf: Oh, again with the guinea pig. I bet if I blindfolded you, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a skunk and a guinea pig.
Mr. Snake: Wrong. Snakes have impeccable taste buds. I can taste air.
Mr. Wolf: Air?
Mr. Snake: Yes, air.
[slurps]
Mr. Snake: Nice.
Mr. Wolf: I don't know. They're a little, uh... a little cute for my taste.
Mr. Snake: That's what makes them so delicious. You're not just eating food. You're eating pure goodness. It's not about the pig. It's about what it symbolizes on a deeper level.
Mr. Wolf: So, you can... you can taste air? What else you got?
Mr. Snake: Forget about it.
Mr. Wolf: Wait. Can you also hear color? Can you see sound?
Mr. Snake: All right, all right. Okay.
Mr. Wolf: 'Cause we should really be capitalizing on these skills.
Mr. Snake: Okay, all right, fine. Get it all out. Get it all out now.
Mr. Wolf: Okay, okay.
[He then retches out the alarm clock]
Mr. Snake: Look at that. 4:00 p.m. Now I know the exact moment our friendship died.
Mr. Wolf: [laughs] Let's bounce.
Mr. Snake: Yep.

Bash: Hey, Gary. What a turnout tonight, huh?
Gary: I'm sorry, Sebastian. You're on the list plus one, not 20.
Bash: No, no, no, no, no. These are the, uh... the girls. The former drug addicts from WAD?
Gary: What? WAD?
Bash: Uh, WAD. Wrestlers Against Drugs.
Gary: Yeah, well, they're not on the list.
Bash: 'Cause they're speakers, Gary. I mean, they've turned their whole lives around through commitment to physical fitness and wrestling.
[Bash grabs Jenny]
Bash: For God's sakes, this young lady, two months ago, she, she was literally selling her body for crack. Now she's training every day, living in a halfway house. She came here tonight to tell her story.
Jenny: Yeah, I...
Bash: Through a translator, because she doesn't speak English.
[pause]
Gary: [sighs] Just don't touch anything.
Bash: Okay.
[Bash and the ladies enter the party]
Gary: Please don't mingle, don't talk to anybody. Steal nothing.
Sam: I'm their drug counselor.
Gary: Sir.
Sam: Choose life.
Gary: I did.

Carmen: They call me Machu Picchu, the Peruvian Fortress. Strong and proud. I'm a good guy.
Sam: Girl.
Carmen: I'm a good girl.

Ruth: Men... walk in fear through these city streets. For it is there you may meet me. And though I am only moderately attractive, I am desperate. And there's nothing more dangerous than a desperate woman. And there is no woman more desperate than the Homewrecker.
[pause]
Sebastian: It's not working.
Sam: Yeah.
Ruth: Did you want me to push it further, or... ?
Sebastian: No, it's just...
Sam: I don't know. The whole thing's...
Sebastian: Yeah, it's like, it's like... I mean, who is she?
Sam: Yeah. Yeah. Help us out, Ruth. Um... who do you think you are?

Rhonda: Oh, hello. I didn't see you, because I was looking at my beaker full of a science experiment. And earlier, I was doing algebra, because... I'm Britannica, the Smartest Woman in the World.
[Sam looks at Bash, then takes off his glasses and hands them to Rhonda]
Sam: Throw those on for a second.
[Rhonda puts on the glasses]
Sam: Yeah, that sells it.
Sebastian: Now it makes sense.
Rhonda: I can't see.

[Debbie slaps Ruth, to the shock of the other ladies]
Debbie: I don't know... I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
Ruth: It just happened.
Debbie: Haven't you learned anything from that sad fucking scene study class? Things don't just happen. People make choices. They want things, and then they go for them.
Ruth: Can we go somewhere and talk about this?
Debbie: I don't wanna fucking talk to you. I wanna... I wanna kick you ass. And then I never want to see you again.
[Debbie chases after Ruth]
Ruth: No!
Debbie: Come on!
Ruth: I'm not gonna fight you!
Reggie: Fight her! Do it!
Debbie: Come on!
Ruth: Debbie!
[Debbie grabs Ruth from behind, but Ruth hits her in the face with her elbow]
Ruth: I'm sorry.
[Debbie chases after Ruth again]
Debbie: Fucker!
Arthie: Is this real?
Melanie: Who the fuck cares?
[as Sam watches Ruth and Debbie fight, he envisions them in an actual GLOW match. Salty snaps Sam out of it]
Salty: Sam! Sam! Should we call it?
Sam: Yeah. Call it.
[Salty slides in the ring to count the pinfall, as Debbie has Ruth pinned to the mat and Ruth helplessly looks at Sam]
Salty: One! Two! Three!

Sebastian: Ronnie takes out his pen, signs the picture, and he says, 'It's a good thing Bonzo is a Democrat. Otherwise, he'd have won the nomination.'
[the ladies laugh]
Debbie: You're hilarious.
Sam: Ladies. Hi. I see you've met... Sebastian Howard, our producer.
Sebastian: Uh, 'Bash', please.
Sam: Just know that he's the one signing your checks, so, be nice.
Sebastian: I don't like to talk about money, okay? I'm the patron of the arts. And wrestling is an art, despite my mother's opinion, which is wrong.
Sam: I thought you were in Peru.
Sebastian: Yeah. I... I... I came back early. Loving the casting!
[grabs Sheila]
Sebastian: Even Miss Serious over here. So, so, so, what, what moves have you guys learned?
Cherry: We've been mostly learning to fall on our backs without hurting ourselves.
Arthie: And pain faces.
Sebastian: W-w-what about, uh, powerbombs? Or, or DDTs? Salty's famous for his DDTs. Where is Salty, by the way?
Sam: Yeah, yeah, Bash. Salty didn't work out. Cherry's our new wrestling coach now.
[Cherry waves at Bash]
Sebastian: Um... d-does she have any wrestling experience?
Cherry: Um... I'm right here.
Sam: Yeah, all right. Anyway, you know that fans are gonna tune in for the moves, but they're not gonna stay tuned in unless we give them what, ladies?
Reggie: Blood!
Melanie: Tits!
Sam: Storytelling. Storytelling.
Melanie: Oh.
Sam: Now, I know it's exciting to be in the midst of a big-shot producer, but I have something even shinier. A script. Hot off the Xerox. I only made ten copies, so we're gonna have to share 'em. And I'm just gonna cast as we move along, starting with Ruth.
Ruth: Yes! Anything you need.
Sam: Uh, yeah. I'm gonna need you to read stage directions.
[disappointed look in Ruth's face]

Jacob: I find that if you can not change your clothes too often and if you don't clutter your life with, you know, children, a broad swathe of people of all ages, will still gravitate to your existential plight. If you keep it selfish and keep it aggravated, that's timeless.

Sam: Ladies, get out your autograph books. I want you to meet the new star of GLOW, this is TV's own Debbie Morgan.
Debbie: Eagan.
Sam: Debbie Eagan.
Cherry: Where the hell have you been?
Sam: I've been working my ass off. I just drove to fucking Pasadena in the middle of the day.
Debbie: [sees Ruth] Are you insane? Am I on fucking Candid Camera? Why is she still here?
Sam: Oh, her. Yeah... I did... Look...
Cherry: While you been gone, we done a lot of fucking around.
Debbie: Take me home. Now. Give me your fucking keys. I'm taking your car.
Sam: Just give me a second.
Cherry: Oh no, we got some miscarriage bullshit to show you.
Sam: Wait, what?
Cherry: Oh, now I have your attention?
Cherry: You, just stop talking and give me, give me a minute, okay? Just give me a minute.
[looks at Debbie]
Cherry: Honey, honey, come with me. Come on. Come on. It's gonna be all right.
[Sheila approaches Ruth]
Sheila the She: Don't stand up straight.
Ruth: I'm...
Sheila the She: You have to be submissive. She's the Alpha and you're the Omega.
Ruth: I'm...
Sheila the She: Shh. You're gonna provoke her.
Ruth: Let me just...
Sheila the She: Slouch toward the ground. Now slouch. Submit. She might kill you.
Debbie: [looking at Ruth] What are you doing?
Sheila the She: She's submitting.
Debbie: No, don't even talk to me.

Sam: [through the intercom] Ladies, hello. Hello, Gorgeous Ladies of GLOW. It's opening night. And... And listen, you know, I just wanna...
[clears throat]
Sam: I just wanna say that, uh, you... you've all worked very hard...
[Debbie turns off the intercom]
Debbie: Well, I did wanna say something... to all of you. Um... Ooh! I wasn't sure that we could, uh, bounce back after this morning.
Dawn: What happened this morning?
[everyone looks at Dawn]
Debbie: The Challenger.
Reggie: Oh, my God! I forgot about it too.
Yolanda: Oh, it's official. We're assholes.
Debbie: No, no, no. You were professionals. You were sad, but you pulled it together and you did your jobs. And tonight, thanks to your hard work...
Ruth: I'm... I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Can... Can we just take a moment of silence? We're so lucky to all be here together. I... I know we're not acknowledging anything in the show, but... can we have a moment? Is that okay?
Sheila the She: Yeah.
Debbie: Sure.
[the Ladies take their moment of silence in memory of the Challenger crew before Rhonda enters the dressing room with some balloons]
Rhonda: Sorry, I need to put these somewhere. Bash doesn't want balloons at the...
Sheila the She: Shh!
Carmen: We're having a moment of silence for the Challenger.
Rhonda: Oh, shit. Sorry.
[to the hotel staff]
Rhonda: Um, you can just put them in here.
[the bellboys drop the balloons in the dressing room]
Carmen: What's his problem with balloons?
Rhonda: Oh, no, no, no! Just... Just leave 'em. Um, they float about, and floating reminds him of the astronauts.
Melanie: That makes sense.
[as the Ladies continue their moment of silence, some of them begin playing with the balloons]

Sam: All right, so we're at a standstill here? Because I've got 40 cues to work through.
Bash: I've never been in this position before. I don't know the right call, so I called the entertainment director to see what the other shows are doing.
Debbie: I don't care what the other shows do. I say we push opening night by a few days.
Sam: Can we do that?
Debbie: Yeah, we're the producers. We're not running things by Glen anymore. We push so we're not the show that danced on the graves of the astronauts.
Bash: Mm-hmm. Yes. But let's also run it by Sandy.
[Sandy walks in and Bash waves at her]
Bash: Hi!
[Sandy gets her coffee before approaching the trio]
Sandy Devereaux St. Clair: Oh, what a morning. I almost crashed my car listening to it on the way in here. How are you all holding up?
Debbie: Everyone's pretty upset.
Sam: Well, it is a fucking tragedy.
Bash: And on opening night. I mean, it's a tough call.
Sandy Devereaux St. Clair: You know, I was here when the MGM fire happened. Eighty-five people killed. The entire town was devastated. Guests literally suffocated in their beds.
Bash: Mm-hmm.
Sandy Devereaux St. Clair: But when the dust cleared, my old dance captain, Fluff LeCoque, I don't know if you know Fluff, but...
Bash: Mm-hmm...
Sandy Devereaux St. Clair: Anyway, Fluff walks into the theater, she takes a deep breath, and she says, 'Well, it doesn't smell like smoke in here.'
[Bash and Sam laugh]
Sandy Devereaux St. Clair: And you know what? They were back on the stage the next night.
Sam: Hmm.
Debbie: That's terrible.
Sandy Devereaux St. Clair: No, that's Vegas, Mrs. Howard.
Bash: Oh, no, no, no. This isn't my wife. No, my wife plays the scientist.
Debbie: I'm Debbie Eagan. Also a producer.
[Debbie shakes hands with Sandy]
Sandy Devereaux St. Clair: Oh, my God. I am so sorry. I... You know, I've been mistaken for somebody's wife so many times, you would think that I would know better.
Bash: Pfft! Yeah. No, it's me, Debbie, and Sam. We're like the, uh... the, uh, what's the thing with the, the three, the...
Sam: Cerberus?
Sam: What? No. What? What...
Sam: It's a three-headed dog.
Debbie: Three Musketeers?
Bash: There we go.
Sam: Oh, Musketeers.
Sandy Devereaux St. Clair: Well, sounds like you have everything under control, so, I'll see you tonight.
Bash: You a big wrestling fan?
Sandy Devereaux St. Clair: Uh, I'm a big fan of anything that sells out and gets the people in the casino.

Ruth: [Russian accent] Morning, comrade. Ow, ow, ow.
[Ruth puts down her glass of hot tea]
Ruth: [Russian accent] This is how we drink tea in Russia. With pain.
Sam: Okay, can you stop with the accent? It's a little, a little early for that.
Ruth: [Russian accent] It's never too early to be in character.
Sam: Well, yes, it is.
Ruth: What do Russians have against mugs?
Sam: Well, you need the metal thing. There's a metal thing with a handle that the cup goes into.
Ruth: How do you know that?
Sam: I used to date a Russian woman. Yana Popov. Like the vodka. No relation. But she didn't get along with my dog, and she had a, a weird mole.
Ruth: So, why am I here early?
[Debbie walks in the gym and accidentally knocks over the glass of tea]
Debbie: What the fuck? Why is that here?
Ruth: It was too hot. I'll get paper towels.
[Ruth grabs the glass and runs to the restroom]

Ruth: Um... Ruth Wilder. I have a 10 a.m. appointment.
Receptionist: Hi, Ruth. If you could just sign in for me.
Ruth: Sure.
Receptionist: And... If you could sign these for me as well.
Ruth: Mm-hmm.
Receptionist: The doctor will answer any questions that you and your boyfriend might have.
Ruth: Oh, we're not...
Sam: Oh, I'm not her boyfriend. I'm her husband.
[shocked look in Ruth's face]
Sam: Common mistake. You know, sort of like... having sex without a condom. Right?
Receptionist: It's good that you're here.
Sam: Just wasn't the right time for us, you know. I could've pulled out, but... just got lazy. Lucky for us, we hate children. Right, honey?
Receptionist: Please have a seat.
Ruth: Thanks.

Ruth: So, I've been working on these opening moves called...
[Russian accent]
Ruth: 'the hammer and sickle'.
[pause]
Ruth: I'll just show you. I'll just show you. Um... So it's
[Russian accent]
Ruth: the hammer! I start with a body slam. You get back up, and then I sickle your feet so you... you...
[falls to the mat]
Ruth: [Russian accent] And then I get you here. I got you in a hammerlock. Ahh! Ahh! You get up, you turn it around on me. You lock it up, and you think you got me, but then, I come back around with the soon-to-be-famous 'rough toilet paper!' Ahh! And then, you know, it's fight, fight, fight. I'm bad, you're good. I'm winning.
[punch and knee]
Ruth: [Russian accent] You're winning.
[pulls her own hair and rolls forward before dragging herself backwards]
Ruth: [Russian accent] Oh, step off! She's still got me! Oh, you stupid American swine!
[rolls and gets up]
Ruth: [Russian accent] You think you're getting away, but then, I get you by your hair. Ahh! I spin you around and I set you up for 'the bread line.'
[rolls to the ground]
Ruth: [Russian accent] Ohh! I get you up again for 'the potato soup.' Eat it!
[gets up and headbutts the turnbuckle]
Ruth: Oh! Oh! Still working on the names.
[Russian accent]
Ruth: And then, you know, I still... I've got you by the hair and big finish.
[simulates a piledriver]
Ruth: [Russian accent] 'Vodka for breakfast!'
[pause]
Ruth: But then, of course, you would come back and defeat me with some all-American and awesome, because you're... blonde.
Sam: Wow! See? She's the best villain we have. It's everything you need.
Debbie: I think we can do better.
[Debbie walks away]

Justine: I'm Scab, and I'm your worst nightmare. I'll gut your Gucci and blast your Beemer. Die, yuppie scum! Ha ha ha ha!
Sebastian: I got chills.
Sam: Yeah, you would.

Sam: And now the moment you've been waiting for. The final match of the night.
Ruth: You're gonna be great.
Sam: Introducing... Liberty Belle!
[Sheila plays 'Theme of Exodus' on the keyboard, but Sam makes her stop]
Sam: Stop it.
[Debbie approaches the ring to USA chants by the crowd]
Debbie: [Southern accent] I'd like to call on the power of my three favorite Americans: Ronald Reagan, Larry Bird, and Jesus Christ himself!
Sam: And straight from Moscow. The commisasariat for the proletariat. Here to destroy our American way of life. The Cold War never looked hotter... Zoya the Destroyer!
[Ruth turns on her boombox to play Soviet music before entering the ring]
Debbie: [Southern accent] You've lost, Zoya. Americans will never give up their freedom!
[crowd cheers for Debbie]
Ruth: [Russian accent] Capitalist pig! I will neuter all your pet dogs and fill your swimming pools with borscht!
Debbie: [Southern accent] One last time: Defect or die.
Ruth: [Russian accent] Nyet! Prepare yourself for mutually-assured destruction!