50 Best Chris Rock Quotes

Caretaker: [to an exceptionally fast runner] Run, Forest, run!

Chris: Toss my salad, fool what's that? Well having your salad tossed means having your asshole eaten out with jelly or syrup. I prefer syrup.
Charlie: He's a funny motherfucker!

Jay: Yo man, tell me something about me.
Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
Jay: Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
[a shocked Silent Bob stares at Jay]
Jay: Dude, not all the time.

- these days in plastics.
- And you're saying the bank, uh...
- What are you saying?
Loy: What you hold in your hand right now is something I call a financial instrument.
- It is a product your bank will offer to customers.

Rufus: I'm telling you, man, this ceremony is a big mistake.
Cardinal: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.
Rufus: Please. What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?
Bethany: And its platform of noninvolvement during the Holocaust?
Cardinal: All right, mistakes were made.

Loy: I know you.
Odis: No, you don't.
Loy: Yeah. I heard about you. Odis here was in the war. Minesweeper. Every day, take his men and hoof it on ahead of the army, looking for land mines.
Odis: You shut up!
Loy: Lots of turnover in Odis's unit. Boom! There goes Sammy. Boom! There goes Mike. Whole thing started to make Odis a little twitchy. Until one day, he couldn't take it no more. So he laid down in the grass. Just looked at the clouds. Army rolls up. Colonel says, "Odis, did you clear this field?" And Odis says, "Yes, sir." Colonel had to take a piss. So he walks out onto the field and... BOOM! They got to send him home in a tureen. That's a pot they put soup in.
Odis: [shaken, to the other officers] Get 'em out of here.
[officer goes for Loy]
Odis: Not... Not him.
[officers clear the room except for Loy. Odis walks forward and gets up in Loy's face]
Odis: You didn't fight in the war, did you?
Loy: Nah, man. Why would I fight for a country that wants me dead?
[chuckles]
Loy: Boom!
[Odis hesitates, then slowly backs off]
Odis: Josto Fadda says... stick to the deal.
[starts to walk away]
Loy: Boom!

Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.
Jay: I can't wait to die.

Kurt: [while seeing Rob talk to his daughter] How do you get that from that?
Eric: 95% of that has to be from the mother, and I am lowballing.

Caretaker: [Switowski has him in a bear hug] Down, Shrek, down!

Dick: [to mob boss Loy Cannon] Should I tell you what I learned about the criminal mindset? By definition, the criminal rejects accountability, as their identity is based on getting away with things. Similarly, the criminal - you - rejects morality and ethics, for if there is a larger right, then the criminal himself is always wrong. And you don't strike me as the type of man who thinks himself wrong.
Loy: Rarely.
Dick: So there goes morality out the window. But into that vacuum, what should rush but a code. A system of rules, mostly having to do with loyalty. And this way, the criminal detaches himself from the civilian world.
Loy: And yet, here I am. Family man. Community leader. Deacon in the church.
Dick: [laughing] Oh, the criminal is capable of being all of those things. But it's a ruse. For though you claim to share the values of your... wife or preacher, the Lord knows it's a disguise. Ask me how I know for certain.
Loy: How do you know for certain?
Dick: Would a family man trade his youngest son to his enemy in exchange for power and monetary gain?
Loy: You need to leave.
[Loy's henchman goes to draw his gun on the marshal]
Dick: And so we circle back, inevitably, to your original statement - to wit I'm accountable for those ladies, murderers both, thieves and cheats. But now, since we both know the criminal is capable of love and loyalty only when it suits his own self-interest, I've come to make the following point. It don't. Not no more. In summation, boy, if you could sacrifice your youngest, like Isaac in the Holy Book, well, then giving up two strangers to keep the might of the federal government off your back... well, now, that should be as facile as breathing.
Loy: [laughing] I like you.

Loy: Would you like a drink?
Dick: Thank you, no. For the Lord is my Shepherd, and as a wise man once said, "Alcohol is your friend - with a knife."

Switowski: Will you teach me to football?
Paul: Sure, I'll teach you to football.
Caretaker: I'll teach you anything. Just don't eat me.

Reporter: I was covering the New England Patriots for the Boston Herald Tribune...
Football: So, she's in the locker room. I drop my towel and say, "Step up to the mike...
Reporter: And, uh... it was about three months later...
Football: We were married.

Bethany: Wait a minute. Christ. You know Christ?
Rufus: Knew him? Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks!

Loy: Your business is mine now. You'll sign over the deed this afternoon.
Dibrell: Um... Mr. Cannon, please... .
Loy: No, no. We're past please. Now we're at, Whatever you want, boss. Just don't kill me. Also, you're gonna tell me where your sister's at.
[Dibrell looks shocked]
Loy: Oh, yeah. I've been doing some asking. Zelmare Roulette.
[chuckles softly]
Loy: Some name. Her and her butch Indian. They broke out of prison, and now they're here. Well, I want 'em.
Dibrell: What are you gonna do?
Loy: Whatever the fuck I want.
Thurman Smutny: It's my fault.
Dibrell: Thurman!
Thurman Smutny: No. I should've asked her where she got the... But... it's my first time, see? Owing money to a... And I didn't... The rules, you know? What are the rules?
Loy: The rules are, you tell me what I want to know or I paint this room with you and wait for your daughter to come home.
[Dibrell and Thurman share a long look, then a quick nod]
Thurman Smutny: Okay.

Nat: I think we all know who 'The Man' is, I'm talking about the man that made all the big keys on the piano white and all the little keys black. I'm talking about the man that gets pleasure from watching a bunch of white guys in uniforms take a stick and smack something black around. I'm not talking 'bout Rodney King, I'm talking about hockey!

Caretaker: [introducing himself to Crewe] Whatever your pleasure, I can facilitate. You need weed, you need meth- hey, you need Prozac, I'm your man. I know how you white boys always deal with that depression. I mean me personally, I don't understand what you white boys are all depressed about. Hey, you're white! Smile!

Nat: Rough childhood? You had a rough childhood? I'll tell you about rough childhood. I'll tell you about a boy that was born in Alabama. Father was a sharecropper, mama was a maid for homeless white people. But that didn't bring him down. That did not bring that boy down. Today that boy is in showbusiness, and he's a big star.
La: Is that you, Nat?
Nat: No, that's not me, that's Slappy White.

- like we're having a debate?
- You-put the muscle on Cannon.
- Bust some heads, make some arrests.
Loy: Sell 200 to Mort Kellerman.
- Tell him he can have 'em at cost.
- But he owes us devotion.

Swanee: Mister, either rape us or kill us already.
Loy: Dying's too easy. You owe me, and I'm putting you to work.
Zelmare: We ain't whores.
Loy: Don't need whores. Need soldiers. Invisible soldiers. Soldiers the other side can't see coming.
[bends down]
Loy: Who's more invisible than you?

Brucie: [after being hit hard] I got a bird, his name is Ronnie!
Caretaker: Well, tell Ronnie you got knocked the fuck out!

- Owing money to a...
- And I didn't...
- The rules, you know?
- What are the rules?
Loy: The rules are you tell me what I want to know, or I paint this room with you and wait for your daughter to come home.

Chris: I hate taxes, I hate cheques. I hate the fact that they put two amounts of money on your cheque, it's like 'this is the money you worked all week for, and this is what you gonna get.' I mean, don't show me this money I'm not getting, don't tease me. Don't take off your bra and say 'what you lookin' at?'

Dick: We Mormons are very friendly people.
Loy: [shakes his head] No. Pretty unfriendly, really. But it's the way you're unfriendly. Like you're doing me a favor.

Rufus: White folks only want to hear the good shit: life eternal, a place in God's Heaven. But as soon as they hear they're getting this good shit from a black Jesus, they freak. And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy. A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your Savior.

Doctor: You still think the slaughterhouse was the right play?
Loy: Oh, yeah.
Doctor: Hm-hmm. Hubris to think you can control things. That's why God created tornadoes. To remind us.
Loy: Yeah, but you can raise the odds.

Rufus: You are the great great great GREAT great grand-niece of Jesus Christ.
Jay: So that would make Bethany... part black?

- And you made the mighty so that we could defend the meek.
- Let us pray.
Loy: And we will be mighty for you,
- O Lord.
- You've shown us pain and loss...
- ...so that we would know the joy of victory when it comes.

- Charlie called.
- He's on lookout at the JDC.
- He said two hours ago, the Italians had some visitors.
- It was Leon.
Loy: Skunk's gonna skunk.
- Happy was with him.

Bethany: Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters. Mary was a virgin.
Rufus: Mary gave birth to CHRIST without having known a man's touch, that's true. But she did have a husband. And do you really think he'd have stayed married to her all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin birth, those are leaps of faith. But to believe a married couple never got down? Well, that's just plain gullibility.

Deanne: How about I take you out for a date night every Thursday?
Kurt: Well, Thursday night is Grey's Anatomy, but any other night would be great.

Lenny: Mama, I didn't know the Elephant Man lived in your shoe.
Kurt: How in the world's anybody supposed to get some sleep knowing they're under the same roof as Toe-be Bryant over here?

[about Christ]
Rufus: What He really hates is the shit that gets carried out in his name. Wars. Bigotry. Televangelism.

Eric: I gotta make a sissy.
Kurt: Come on, you made three already.
Rob: It must be oozing out at this point.
Eric: Shut up. I'm trying to concentrate.
Kurt: It's taking a piss, not the SATs.
Lenny: Are you peeing or is a diesel truck turning off? What the hell is that?
Marcus: Listen to hamper bottom. I think he's sending a message in Morse code. Getting old. Stop. Can't pee. Stop. Reek like an asparagus. Stop. Even though I didn't have any. Stop.

Rufus: Are you saying you believe?
Bethany: No. But I have a good idea.

Joey: Wow, no bullshit! Football, against the guards?
Coach: Yep, full contact.
Joey: Captain Knauer is the quarterback?
Caretaker: Yep.
Joey: So I get to tackle him?
Paul: Yeah, either that you can hit him over the head with that hammer.
Joey: I wanna hurt him, not kill him.
Caretaker: Lets get outta here before that thing bites someone!

Loy: Odis, I own you.
Josto: I miss you, kid.
- -When are you coming home?
- -♪ One little, two little...♪
Loy: Boom!
- DEAFY: Cheer up, palomino.

Switowski: He broke-ded my nose
Paul: Let me try to fix that.
[Crewe fixes his nose]
Switowski: How do I look?
Caretaker: Much better, like a young Michael Jackson.
Switowski: I love little Michael.

- No.
- I suppose you have to ask yourself-- is this the kind of nurse you trust around patients in your fine establishment?
Loy: Your business is mine now.
- You'll sign over the deed this afternoon.

Caretaker: Well, we didn't get the whole chocolate bar, but we got a Hershey's kiss.

Caretaker: He could catch a cold in the desert.

Lenny: I bet you 5 bucks he gets on one knee.
Kurt: You're on.

Kurt: I see that ass is still growing. Got a little Kardashian in there.

Caretaker: Who we gonna crush?
(prisoners: The guards!
Caretaker: Who we gonna kill?
(prisoners: The guards!
Caretaker: Who we gonna kiss?
Brucie: [shouting out loud all alone] The guards!
Caretaker: [smile] Gotcha.

Paul: You play football?
Caretaker: Me? No. I sucked so bad, they used to pick *after* the white kids. Used to be mad to be like, "Man, I can't believe I picked a nigga that can't play!"

Deanne: Since when did you learn to speak Chinese?
Kurt: Just a little something I picked up watching a Chinese cooking show.
Deanne: That's great. Maybe you should focus a little less on the talking, and a little more of the cooking.
Mama: [laughs] You got told.
Kurt: You got toe.

Switowski: I'm sorry... I brokeded your toy.
Paul: Oh, no, it's a good thing! you should share a victory hug with Caretaker.
Caretaker: What?
[Switowski lifts Caretaker in bear-hug and spins around laughing]
Caretaker: [to Paul] Asshole!

Loy: We love you.
- And you're coming home.
- SATCHEL: When?

Loy: Hear our prayer now, O Lord...
- ...so that we might feel your blessing.
- And know that we can bear this burden you've given us...
- ...because our hearts are pure.
- -Amen.
- -OTHERS: Amen.

Kurt: I can't believe nobody's even scared of a black guy anymore! Damn you, Obama!