The Best Eric Lamonsoff Quotes

Frat: This is Kappa Eta Sigma property. So you might want to quit perving on our ladies and get back to your trailer homes.
Lenny: Okay, easy there, Abercrombile. I think it's... I think we've been around here longer than you. Been swimming here since we were eight years old, so you just calm down a little bit.
Frat: I'm sure it was the bomb! Cranking to your Al Jolsson tunes on your transistor radio. But it's the 21st century now. And Thicky Thick and the Flabber Bunch should never take their shirts off. Never.
Lenny: That hurts.
Eric: Okay, I guess I'm Thicky Thick.
Lenny: Yeah, well, I don't like being in the Flabby Bunch, either.

Lenny: Lamonsoff, it's 5 in the morning. Can you kill the dog now?
Eric: Thinking about it.

Bean: Confidence. K-O-B-R-Q-V-Y. Confidence.
Eric: Well, we're not gonna have to pay for college. That's for sure.

Eric: Hold up. Hang on. I got a burpsnart coming up.
[burps, sneezes and farts]
Lenny: You got to teach me how you do that.
Eric: A burpsnart? It's simple. You just start with a burp, then you sniff with a sneeze, you get the going, and that triggers a fart, always.

[from trailer]
Bean: Mommy, I want some milk.
Sally: Come here. I'll give you a little something.
[starts breastfeeding Bean]
Roxanne: Your son is so cute. How old is he?
Eric: 48 months.
Kurt: [pause] That's 4.
Eric: [pause] Yeah.

Kurt: [while seeing Rob talk to his daughter] How do you get that from that?
Eric: 95% of that has to be from the mother, and I am lowballing.

Eric: Okay, Bean, what's 7 plus 9?
Bean: 79.
Eric: Is he a little boy or a computer? 'Cause I can't figure it out.
Sally: Don't destroy his confidence.

Eric: Whoa. Okay, you sure you want to go with those boots, honey? I know you bedazzled them yourself. I'm just wondering if they'll attract too much attention, you know, from outer space.
Donna: It's the last day of school, and Mom said I'm free to express myself.
Eric: Oh, building the confidence right there with R2-D2.

Bean: I want mommy's milk!
Eric: No more mommy's milk.
Bean: I want mommy's milk.
[a kid walks by with a milk carton, which Eric takes]
Milk: Hey!
Eric: Here's a dollar, get out of here. Now drink it.
Bean: I don't know if mommy will like that.
Eric: Just watch me drink it.
[Bean drinks the milk carton]
Bean: I'm just like daddy.
Kurt: Yay! More for us!

Sally: See that? Now he won't even drink from me.
Roxanne: That's what men do. They take and take, and then give you up for some cow.
Sally: Well now I don't know what I'm going to do with these.
Eric: I do.

Eric: I gotta make a sissy.
Kurt: Come on, you made three already.
Rob: It must be oozing out at this point.
Eric: Shut up. I'm trying to concentrate.
Kurt: It's taking a piss, not the SATs.
Lenny: Are you peeing or is a diesel truck turning off? What the hell is that?
Marcus: Listen to hamper bottom. I think he's sending a message in Morse code. Getting old. Stop. Can't pee. Stop. Reek like an asparagus. Stop. Even though I didn't have any. Stop.

Donna: Dad, hurry up. I want to go on the other rides.
Eric: Just a minute. Don't worry, we'll get to ride all of them.
Donna: Are you making a sissy? You know they make a chemical that turns urine blue.
Eric: No, that's just a myth.
Donna: [as the urine is turning blue] Oh, my God! You're embarrassing me!

Eric: You're a genius? My boy's a genius.
[burpsnarts]
Eric: Your dad's also a genius.

Lenny: You see that? You just aim for a spot and shoot the ball there?
Eric: It's true. Your dad has won over 50 games with that shot.
Greg: Really? Because that shot doesn't work on the Wii.
Eric: Well, you should Wii-turn that Wii and get yourself a Wii-fund. Tim Duncan has had over a hundred game winners with that shot.