Top 30 Quotes From Floyd Lawson

Floyd: How come you're puttin' on your uniform?
Deputy: In case we decide to hitchhike.
Floyd: Oh.
Deputy: In civvies I'm a little hard looking.

Floyd: [Barney accidentally rides into Floyd's yard on a horse] Barney, you seem to be on a horse. The reason I'm so surprised is... well I just didn't expect it.
Barney: [tries to get the horse to leave] Come on!
Floyd: Don't leave on my account.

Floyd: I always enjoy cutting Barney's hair. His ears kind of wing out and it gives you room to work.

Floyd: Amazing! Only this morning, he didn't know which side to butter his bread on. A few hours later, he's a genius.

Floyd: [talking about his date, Ms. Madison] She said she was staying... for a week! She wants to stay with me and my boys... now can I go to Nashville?

Big: By rights, I ought to let Naomi curl your hair with this heater.
Jalene: [excited] Can I, Maude? Can I? I hate men.
Big: She's a convicted husband-beater.
Floyd: [worried] Better watch it, Al.
Deputy: Will you stop callin' me Al?

Floyd: He cuts his own hair.
Barney: He tell you that?
Floyd: Didn't have to. I can spot an amateur head a mile off.

Floyd: You know how we always do a pageant showing the founding of Mayberry? Well, how 'bout WITH that we also have a... beauty pageant?
Sam: Beauty pageant. You mean with girls?
Andy: Uh, well they help.

Floyd: Now wait a minute, Andy. I'm a lot older than you are. I remember that first dance they had over at the school, there. You hid in the barn.
Goober: Hid in the barn? That's funny!
Andy: I did not!
Floyd: Oh, no, when you were Opie's age, you were a real stick-in-the-mud.

Floyd: He's got nice hair. It's soft but it's strong. It's easy to clip. He sits real still in the chair too. Doesn't fidget one bit.

Goober: I was saying, there sure is a lot of people walkin' around who need eyeglasses.
Floyd: Strong ones.

Floyd: I'm worried about Andy going with this Mavis.
Howard: Yes, I understand she's rather forward.
Floyd: Yeah, you remember what happened to Harvey Bunker when he started going with her. They made him give up his job as scout master.
Howard: Well, let's just hope Andy is made of sterner stuff.

[Floyd and Barney, having run out of gas and looking to borrow some, come upon the mountain cabin of wealthy Mr. O'Malley]
Deputy: [shouting to see if anyone's home] O'Malley? Charlie!
Floyd: [aghast] You shouldn't call a rich man by his first name.
Deputy: [to Floyd] The bigger they are, the nicer they are.
Deputy: [shouting again] Hey, Chuck! It's me, Barney Fife!

Ernest T. Bass: [yelling at Malcom Merriweather] I'm warning you! Now today is Thursday. If you're still here on... what's the day after Thursday?
Floyd: Uh Friday.
Ernest T. Bass: Right. If you're still here on Friday, which is the day after Thursday, I'll WHOOP the fire outta you.

Floyd: [to Mayor Pike; while cutting his balding hair] You know, Mayor... I have a hair growth tonic that will help you grow hair over your eyes.
Mayor: I don't want hair over my eyes, I want hair over my head.

Andy: Well, as Mark Twain said, everybody complains about the weather but nobody does anything about it.
Floyd: Did he say that?
Andy: Mm-hmm.
Floyd: I thought Calvin Coolidge said that.
Andy: No, no Floyd, Calvin Coolidge didn't say that.
Floyd: What'd Calvin Coolidge say?

[after a haircut at Floyd's]
Andy: Floyd.
Floyd: What's the matter?
Andy: My sideburns.
Floyd: Your sideburns - what's the matter with your sideburns?
Andy: Why, they're both even.
Floyd: Well, I'll be dogged. How'd that happen?
Andy: I declare, Floyd, I believe you're getting the hang of it. And looka there - they're the right length and everything.

Floyd: Well Opie, it was my ancestor, Colonel Caleb Lawson who was in at the very beginning, Ol' Stonewall Lawson. He was the big hero.
Goober: What?
Floyd: That's right. Those are the facts.
Goober: Well it just so happens one of my kinfolk is the hero. Colonel Goober Pyle of the North Carolina 7th cavalry. I never even heard of Colonel Lawson.
Floyd: Never heard of him? Read your history, boy. Why he had the biggest herd of cattle in the settlement. The indians drivin' the herd off started the whole thing.
Opie: Gee, I didn't know that.
Goober: I ain't surprised. Nobody knows that except for Floyd.
Floyd: You lookin' for trouble?
Goober: Before you write all that down, Ope, it happened to be my ancestor who come roarin' outta the stockade and held them bloodthirsty savages off.
Floyd: Opie, you ain't puttin' all that bushwa down?
Goober: Don't you call my relatives bushwa!
Floyd: All I want is this boy to get the truth.
Goober: Then he come to the wrong place.

Floyd: Well, I'll see ya later, Barracuda.

Sheriff: Hi Floyd, how about a haircut?
Floyd: Got an appointment?
Sheriff: Since when do I need an appointment?
Floyd: Since about 11:30 this mornin'.

Floyd: Pardon me for saying so, Andy, but I don't think you'd have made a good sheriff in the old days.
Andy: Not tough enough, huh?
Andy: Too gentle. You would have probably been a barber.

Goober: [Floyd is talking about "'The Mikado"] What's it about?
Floyd: Well, it all took place in this little town called Titipu.
Goober: Come on, Floyd, be serious.

Floyd: Maude! Al! If those hamburgers are ruined, I won't be responsible!

Sheriff: You... you could put a sign in the window sayin' "Two Chairs - No Waitin'."
Floyd: Yeah, yeah, gee whiz... two chairs... and I got the magazines to swing it!

Barney: Don't look at him. He'll know we're talkin' about him.
[pause]
Barney: What's he doin' now?
Floyd: I don't know. You told me not to look at him.

Big: Make the call. Just say you're up here with O'Malley and he's asked you to stay the night.
Deputy: Supposing I refuse?
[Maude points the gun at point-blank range into Barney's face while Naomi and Sally hover over the couch, fists at the ready]
Floyd: Better phone him, Al.

Floyd: Speak softly and carry a big stick. That's true, too. It would work well in a gang fight. Swing it around, you're bound to hit something.

Andy: What do you know about love?
Floyd: What do I know... about love... about love... A man can't cut hair for thirty years without learning SOMETHING!

Deputy: I know how we can keep him from goin' to Raleigh.
Floyd: How are you gonna do that?
Deputy: All we have to do is manufacture a little trouble.
Floyd: You bein' sheriff is trouble enough. That should keep him here.

Andy: I declare, folks are gettin' tired of the mayor's wife ridin' out on that horse and sangin' all that opera stuff.
Floyd: Oh, it's not bad.
Andy: It ain't? I declare, if you wasn't lookin', you couldn't tell whether it was her singin' or the horse whinnyin'.