Top 30 Quotes From Martin Lawrence

Mike: [on Armando] He's the right age. He's crazy like me. He's ruthless like me. He's fearless like me. He's the fucked-up me.
Marcus: No, Mike. *You* the fucked-up you.

Marcus: [to Mike] Do you want your legacy to be muscle shirts and body counts?

[first lines]
Marcus: [speeding through the streets of Miami] MIKE!
Mike: Whooo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hooooo!
Marcus: What the hell are you doing?
Mike: It's called driving, Marcus.

Dudley: [upon seeing Maggie] She is perfect.
Doug: You like the waitress?
Dudley: Oh, man. I wanted to say something funny to her, but all I could think of was black jokes.
Bobby: Like which ones?
Dudley: I forget.
Bobby: Why don't you tell the one that ends with you getting your ass whooped.
Dudley: Would that be funny?
Bobby: I'll be laughing. Oh, I'll be cracking up.

[the rookie cops start singing 'Bad Boys' in front of Lowrey and Burnett]
Mike: Hey, hey hey! Hey! Uh-uh! No! No! Never. Y'all will never do that again.
Marcus: Yeah, and you fucking up the lyrics, which take a long time to learn.

Marcus: So, what you gonna do when you see him? You really gonna put your son behind bars?
Mike: No. I'm gonna kill him.
Marcus: Kill him? You really gonna kill your own son, Mike?
Mike: I'm gonna put him in a fucking bag.
Marcus: You realize you will go to hell?
Mike: I don't believe in hell, Marcus.
Marcus: Well, it believes in you. I mean, killing your own son. Brother, that's a darkness that swallows you whole.
Mike: Well, maybe I've already been swallowed. I died, remember? I'm ending this shit, man.

Mike: [Marcus starts to cry while holding his grandchild] Uh uh. Ok, that's that shit.
Marcus: No, Mike.
Mike: Stop it.
Marcus: The baby...
Mike: Seriously!
Marcus: Look at the baby...
Mike: OK, you know what? I'll be outside when you get your shit together.
[leaves]
Marcus: [still emotional] Mike, the baby...

Doug: Well, what has your wife ever made us?
Bobby: Hard.

Doug: Ooh boy, my ass is sore.
Dudley: Mine too, its Woody's fault for riding us so hard yesterday. The human body wasnt made to stradle something that big for that long.
Woody: Well ya know its gonna hurt a little bit but that's all part of the experience. Its why we didnt bring our wives.
Bobby: Wut da...? What the hell? Someone wanna explain to me why I'm the one in the dirt? When I got sore jaws from 3 hours of blowin...
[notices Highway Patrolman]
Highway: Please... Please, for the love of God, finish your sentence.

Marcus: [on a plane, to Mike] She'll make your eyes melt into your stupid ass head. She'll make your dick fall off.
[realises the girl sat next to him is listening]
Marcus: I meant penis. You should be minding your own business anyway.

Bobby: [after being called out by Jack] Anyone else getting that pre-rape feeling?
Red: [grinning] I do.

Marcus: Mike... you fucked a married witch?
Mike: All the shit I just said and that was your takeaway?

Marcus: This is some real telenovela shit.

Radio: Peace, y'all.
Ella: Peace, Radio Raheem.
Cee: Peace, man.
Ahmad: You the man. I'm just visitin'.
Punchy: It's your world...
Cee: For real, in a big muthafuckin' way.
Ahmad: Yo, that boy's livin' very large!
Punchy: He even *walks* in stereo.

Dudley: Thanks, Woody, I feel really safe with you.
Woody: I noticed that. If you ever lay your head on my back while riding bitch, I'll throw you into traffic!
Dudley: I was just trying to keep the wind out of my face.
Woody: I felt you smell my neck!
Bobby: Did you smell that man's neck?
Dudley: His cologne is fantastic. It's musky with an oaky finish like a... lawyer cowboy.
Bobby: A lawyer cowboy?

Bobby: I think we better get out of here.
Woody: No, we'll get out of here at sundown after we've had our beverage.

Marcus: Hurry! I can feel my ass cooking!

Bobby: You called The Firm?
Clerk: Some truck driver must have crapped an entire cow in there, man. Good luck. I knew in my gut not to let him go, but I didn't trust my instincts. I saw my father shot, but I did not cry till today. I was robbed yesterday, and I know now, your job is the bad one.

[Lowrey gets out of his Porsche 911. Burnett opens the passenger door and accidentally hits a fire hydrant]
Mike: Hey!
Marcus: [struggling to get out while banging the door on the fire hydrant] Oh, shit! Oh!
Mike: Come on, man!
Marcus: You can get that buffed out.
Mike: No. You can get that buffed out.

Marcus: [finding the weapons stash in the motorcycle sidecar] It's like an angry white man's basement in here!

Mother: In my day, the women stayed home. Not the lazy men.
Bobby: In your day, men were busy building pyramids! How long ago was that?

Woody: Come on, let's go!
Doug: What's your rush?
Woody: Come on, man, it's the open road. Riding free, that's the rush! This isn't freedom, this is a gas station built by the man, a prison for our souls!
Bobby: my soul needs something to drink.
Dudley: We'll get gas at the next station, come on Wild Hogs! Let's go! Woo-hoo!

Marcus: You're dyeing your goatee, Mike.
Mike: What?
Marcus: You're dyeing your goatee.
Mike: I'm not dyeing my goatee.
Marcus: Yeah, that's Midnight Cocoa Bean. I recognise that shit.

Mike: I've never trusted anybody but you. I'm asking you, man. Bad Boys, one last time?
Marcus: One last time.

Marcus: [after putting on his glasses] Shit! This is like HD!

Doug: Did you ever wake up one morning and wonder what happened to your life?
[Woody nods his head]
Doug: You know, I thought my life would be an adventure. All of a sudden, I'm a suburban dentist.
Bobby: Look, Doug, I feel your pain, man. I mean I swore I would never return to a job where I had to where condoms on my shoes.
Woody: You're still at The Firm?
Bobby: Yea. I get yelled at by an ungrateful wife. I swear the whole thing has made me...
Doug: ...a wimp.
Bobby: I was gonna say miserable.
Bobby: [pause] What? You think I'm a wimp?
Doug: No, I thought you were gonna say wimp, so I'd thought I'd say it for you.
Woody: You're a wimp, Bobby. I'll say it. I mean you're afraid of women. It's kinda embarrassing.
Dudley: I'm afraid of women.
Woody: You're afraid to talk to women. Bobby's afraid they'll kill him in his sleep.
[Doug and Woody laugh]
Dudley: Wow... now I'm really afraid of women.

Charley: Needless to say, we don't carry firearms anymore. Sometimes you pull them out and think they're not loaded, and...
Bobby: You blow your deputy's ear off.
Charley: Yeah.

Marcus: [during a heated argument with Mike] How *dare* you... I sat by your bedside, wiped the goddamn drool off your chin, and now *you* disrespect me like that in my own home?

Marcus: Mike, all our life we've been bad boys. It's time to be good men.
Mike: Who in the hell would want to sing that song?
[singing]
Mike: "Good men, good men, whatcha gonna do?"
Marcus: Well, maybe if you sung it like you mean it, it'd catch on.

Bobby: You call The Firm?
Clerk: Yeah, men's room. Some trucker musta crapped a whole cow in there. Good luck.
Bobby: [turns to leave]
Clerk: I didn't want to give him the key, but I didn't trust my instincts.
Bobby: [turns to leave]
Clerk: I saw my father shot. I never cry until today.
Bobby: [turns to leave]
Clerk: I got robbed yesterday. And now I know: you have the bad job.
Bobby: Yeah...