The Best Max Showalter Quotes

Grandma: Oh Sam, let me look at you. Fred, she's gotten her boobies.
Grandpa: [chuckles] I better go get my magnifying glass.
Grandma: Oh, and they are so Perky.
Grandma: [reaches to cup them]
Samantha: [cut to Sam's bedroom] I can't believe my Grandmother actually felt me up.

Randy: [talking on the phone with Samantha] I was going to tell you something, but, maybe I shouldn't. It's pretty bad.
Samantha: You may as well. Nothing could shock me anymore.
Randy: Last night at the dance, my little brother paid a buck to see your underwear.
Samantha: [screams] Aaaaaaaahhh!
Howard: [Her grandparents downstairs are startled by the scream] Geez! I hate that rock 'n' roll rubbish!
Grandpa: Well, I'm afraid it's here to stay, Howie.

Grandpa: Hey Howard, there's your Chinaman.
Howard: Thanks, Fred.

Long: Very clever dinner. Appetizing food fit neatly into interesting round pie.
Mike: It's a quiche.
Long: How do you spell?
Grandpa: Well you don't spell it, son, you eat it.
[laughs]

June: Ward, can you see any possible use for Franklin Milk bottle caps?
Ward: Yeah. To hold the Franklin Milk in the Franklin Milk bottles.
June: The boys have got a whole dishpan of them upstairs. They've been collecting them all week.
Ward: It's nothing to be alarmed about. In my day, the collecting instinct was strong in every American boy worth his salt. I'm happy to see it has survived television, child psychology and the inroads of progressive education.
June: I think I'm going to ask them why they're collecting those things.
Ward: Oh, no, June, don't you dare think of such a thing. You're flying in the face of Dr Brady. I quote, "A child's world is his own sacred domain and his privacy must at all times be respected."
June: All right, but we respected it last summer and they set fire to the attic!