The Best Howard Quotes

Grandpa: Hey Howard, there's your Chinaman.
Howard: Thanks, Fred.

Randy: [talking on the phone with Samantha] I was going to tell you something, but, maybe I shouldn't. It's pretty bad.
Samantha: You may as well. Nothing could shock me anymore.
Randy: Last night at the dance, my little brother paid a buck to see your underwear.
Samantha: [screams] Aaaaaaaahhh!
Howard: [Her grandparents downstairs are startled by the scream] Geez! I hate that rock 'n' roll rubbish!
Grandpa: Well, I'm afraid it's here to stay, Howie.

[ring-ring, no one answers the phone...]
Jake: [as he hangs up] Ahh, eat me.
Howard: Who was it? Well what did they want?
Dorothy: [shocked] Sex.

[on the phone with the police]
Howard: What was he wearing? Well, uh, let's see, he was wearing a red argyle sweater, and tan trousers, and red shoes... Hmm? No, he's not retarded.

Jake: Yes, hello, sir, um...
Howard: Are you the little bugger that's been calling up here all night and then hanging up?
Jake: Would it be possible for you to tell me if there is a Samantha Baker there, and if so, sir, may I converse with her briefly?
Howard: Yes it is, and NO you may not.
Jake: Might I leave a message, sir?
Howard: [to Grandma Baker] He wants to leave a message for Sam.

Howard: Dong. Where is my automobile?
Long: Oto-mo-biiile?
[laughing]
Long: [Imitating race car. Imitating crash] Lake. Big Lake.
Dorothy: Why, you little scuzzbag!
[She kicks Dong in the groin]