The Best Michael Schoeffling Quotes

The: Jake, is your dad a big man, or?
Jake: About 6'4".
The: Very nice.

Jake: I want a serious girlfriend. Somebody I can love, that's gonna love me back. Is that psycho?

[Jake rings doorbell at Samantha's house]
Long: OK. I'm comin'.
[opens closet door]
Long: Hello? Jeez, this place is so confusing. OK.
[opens front door, screams, and shuts door]
Long: Go away! I call F.B.I.! I call police! Go away!
Jake: Open the door.
Long: No way, Jose!
Jake: Open the door.
Long: You beat up my face.
Jake: You grabbed my nuts.
Long: [looks through frosted glass on door] That you?
Jake: Yeah, that me.
Long: [opens door] Oh, so sorry! I thought you my new--new-style American girlfriend.
Jake: Forget it, man. Just get Samantha, all right?
Long: She not here.
Jake: Don't jerk me around, man. Where is she?
Long: She got married.
Jake: What?
Long: She at the church. She getting married to oily bohunk.
Jake: Married?
Long: Married.
Jake: Married?
Long: Yeah. Married
[closes door]
Jake: [turns around, under breath to himself] Married?
Long: Married! Jeez!

Jake: I'll make a deal with you.
[holds up the panties]
Jake: Let me keep these; I'll let you take Caroline home. But you gotta make sure she gets home. You can't leave her in some parking lot somewhere. Okay?
The: Jake, I'm only a Freshman.
Jake: So? She's so blitzed she won't know the difference.
The: Jake, I don't have a car.
Jake: You can take mine.
The: Jake, I don't have license.
Jake: I trust you...
The: Jake, I'd love to... I can't.
[holds out a bowl]
The: Want a pretzel?
Jake: You sure?
[takes the bowl and sets it down on the counter]
The: Positive.

Jake: Yes, hello, sir, um...
Howard: Are you the little bugger that's been calling up here all night and then hanging up?
Jake: Would it be possible for you to tell me if there is a Samantha Baker there, and if so, sir, may I converse with her briefly?
Howard: Yes it is, and NO you may not.
Jake: Might I leave a message, sir?
Howard: [to Grandma Baker] He wants to leave a message for Sam.

[ring-ring, no one answers the phone...]
Jake: [as he hangs up] Ahh, eat me.
Howard: Who was it? Well what did they want?
Dorothy: [shocked] Sex.

[last lines]
Samantha: Thanks for getting my undies back.
Jake: Thanks for coming over.
Samantha: Thanks for coming to get me.
Jake: Happy Birthday, Samantha. Make a wish.
Samantha: It already came true.
[they kiss]

Jake: You better not be dickin' me around. It'd be a major downer to try and get together with this girl and find out that she really does think I'm a slime.
The: Jake, would I dick you? Let me put it to you this way, what happens to me if I dick you?
Jake: I'll kick your ass.
The: Right! So why would I lie? But I feel compelled to mention to you, Jake, I mean, if all you want of the girl is a piece of ass, I mean, I'll either do it myself, or get someone bigger than me, to kick your ass. I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today, would give their underwear to help a geek like me.
Jake: I can get a piece of ass anytime I want. Shit, I've got Caroline in the bedroom right now, passed out cold. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to.
The: [almost chokes on a pretzel] What are you waiting for?
Jake: I don't know. She's beautiful, and she's built and all that.
[sighs]
Jake: I'm just not interested anymore.
The: Does that really matter, guy?
Jake: Yeah, it matters. She's totally insensitive. Look what she did to my house. She doesn't know shit about love. Only thing she cares about is partying. I want a serious girlfriend. Somebody I can love, that's gonna love me back. Is that psycho?
[Spits]
The: That's beautiful, Jake. I think a ton of guys feel the same way as you do.
Jake: Really?
The: Yeah. It's just they don't... They don't have the balls to admit it. You know? They're just... They're wimps.

[Caroline is very drunk]
Caroline: Who's he?
Jake: That's me.
Caroline: Who are you?
Jake: I'm him.
Caroline: Oh, OK.