300 Best Brendan Fraser Quotes

Cliff: Whatcha doing?
Crazy: Playing Frisbee golf. What does it look like, dipshit?

- I need to tell you something.
- And I need you to promise...
- When it's finished...
- That you'll still be my friend.
Cook: Cliff! Your order's up.
Cliff: Yo!

Evelyn: [upon opening Imhotep's sarcophagus and he falls forward] Oh, my God, I *hate* it when these things do that.
Rick: Is he supposed to look like that?
Evelyn: No, I've never seen a mummy look like this before. He-He's still... still...
Rick,34860: ...juicy.

- It's an astral projection.
- I actually don't care.
Larry: Yep, yep.
Cliff: Okay.
- Time to taxidermy this Turkey.
- Which way's home?
- Yeah, I'm thinking you shouldn't have done that.
- Who broughtjudgy Harry Potter?

Cliff: [people around him moaning] What the fuck is going on?
Rita: We're all reaching -
[moaning]
Crazy: We're fucking coming, man!

- Right.
- Ah! How about take a deep, cleansing breath all the way up through your diaphragm.
- Haah!
Cliff: Uh...
- I'm good.

Cliff: Can we skip this? I'm pretty comfortable with my shame.

[a scarab has just crawled under Jonathan's skin and he starts screaming]
Rick: What?
Jonathan: It's my arm! My arm!
Rick: [to Ardeth Bay] Hold him!
Jonathan: Do something! Do something!
[Rick flicks a knife out]
Jonathan: Not that! Not that!

- Dad!
- Okay, hold it. Hold on there, Dad.
- All right, please, please, please put pressure on it, okay, Dad?
Rick O'Connell: It's all right, it's all right.
- We've been in tougher scrapes than this.
- Avalanche!

[as Evelyn stops to drag a bench to block the museum's entrance]
Rick: Honey, whatcha doing? These guys don't use doors.

Rick: Right. She's a reincarnated princess, and I'm a warrior for God.
Ardeth: And your son leads the way to Ahm Shere. Three sides of the pyramid. This was all preordained thousands of years ago.
Evelyn: But how does the story end?
Ardeth: Ah, only the journey is written, not the destination.
Rick: Convenient.

Cliff: It's weird. I was made to last forever, but I guess I can't even do that right.

- It's best she's not here.
- Saying goodbye to you all is going to be hard enough.
- Mmm-mmm, no. Ain't no way
- I'm letting them take you again.
- A deal's a deal, Vic.
- Chief! What the hell?

Rick: Alex?
[turns around to see Alex is gone]
Rick: Where'd he go?
Evelyn: Where do you think?
[looks through binoculars to see Alex running to find Lin]

- -Oh, yeah, that's a better idea.
- -RICK: Size counts!
- Stop mucking about! They're getting away!
[GRUNTS] Just drive!
Rick O'Connell: Aim for the Emperor!
Jonathan: Aim for the Emperor?
- -Light it up, Jonathan!
- -I'm trying!
- Fire!

Rick: Oh, yeah. This just keeps gettin' better and better.

- Let go!
- Never!
Rick O'Connell: Enough tricks! Where's your honor?
- Fight like a man!

- We fight.
- We could.
- But we'd be doomed.
- What are we now?
- I'm going to go with the chief.
- Agreed.

Rick: Alex I've got a big job for you. I want you to stay here and protect the car.
Jonathan: I can do that.
Alex: Protect the car? Come on, Dad. Just because I'm a kid doesn't mean I'm stupid.
Rick: I know.
Alex: [ruffles his hair] Dad!
Rick: Ehh...
Jonathan: If you see anyone come running out screaming, it's just me.
Rick: [to Jonathan about Alex] Maybe you should stay here and watch him.
Jonathan: Yes, now you're talking.

- and you know what? They knew me.
- My sweet Ciara had a boy, huh?
Cliff: Oh, you mean my sweet Clara?
- What do you care?
- Hot damn.
Cliff: What do you mean, your sweet Clara?
- There's no such thing as your sweet Ciara!

Cliff: Look out!
- It's a killer baby!
Victor: I got her!
Madame: Hey, you bastard! Oh!
- Okay.

Cliff: Wait, Jesus! I come in peace. Maybe we could talk this out?
Imaginary: You think I give a French fried titty fuck about anything you have to say right now, Cliff? I'm here to end you.

Cliff: Well, it is a Zombie Butt. In hindsight, saving it was probably not the best idea. "Hindsight." Get it?

- But that's not true.
- You're not alone.
- I know you want to be alone right now.
- But trust me, that'll pass.
- It always does.
- It's pretty.
Cliff: Yeah. I'm glad we came here.

Victor: We are not the kind of people that kill people.
Cliff: Unless they're Nazis. Or butts.

Madame: [to Willoughby] Is it true your kind don't get your proper magic till you've lost your virginity?
Cliff: Dude! Your V-seal grew back?

Rick: That's called stealing, you know.
Evelyn: According to you and my brother, it's called borrowing.

- Wow. That's rich coming from someone who calls themself "hammerhead."
- I've seen you in action.
- You're every bit as aggressive as I am.
- The difference is I exist for a reason.
- What the fuck is your excuse?

Narrator: Well, Ursula's fiancè is in prison, and there's a jungle man sleeping on her balcony. She could use a best friend right now.
Betsy: Hi.
Ursula: Hi.
Betsy: I got here as fast as I could. Where is he?
Ursula: Oh, he's in the waterf... he's in the shower.
Betsy: Not anymore.
Ursula: Oh! George.
[sees him naked]
George: Bad waterfall. First water get hot, then George slip on this strange yellow rock.
[sees Betsy]
George: Oh. Hi, George of Jungle.
Betsy: Charmed, I'm sure.
Ursula: George, hold this big book.
[he holds book covering his front part]
Ursula: Cover the booty.
[puts bowl on behind]
Ursula: Let's get you some clothes. Sorry, Betsy.
George: Bye.
Betsy: No problem.
[to herself]
Betsy: Now I can see why they made him king of the jungle.

Larry: Cliff, you have to go in there. You're the only one of us who can't orgasm.
Cliff: A I'm fucking high, B You just totally embarrassed me in front of the seX Men, C You want me to kill a fucking baby? Fuck no!

- So, this is your afterlife?
- You drink beer, hunt?
- Of course you do.
- Actually, I call it my happy place.
- Have a look.
Cliff: Whoa.

Trevor: Enormous fossilised mushrooms.
Sean: Sort of like humongous fungus?

Rick: I only gamble with my life, never my money.

Cliff: Yeah, she's back.
- It's just going to come back.
- It always does.
- Then we'll deal with it like we always do.
- And in the meantime, what do we do with this?

Cliff: Whose face are we stomping justice into today?

Mad: I'd tell you to fasten your seatbelts, but I was too cheap to buy any!
[Mad Dog laughs and Rick joins in]
Rick: Why am I laughing?

Cliff: What the fuck?
Larry: For the first time, I agree with Cliff. What the fuck?

Cliff: Whoa. Are you okay? Because I delivered some babies in these hallowed halls. Granted, they were bald rats the size of jelly beans but it's all a circle of life and hakuna matata shit, so if you're going to pop, I gotcha.

Charlie: Who would want me to be part of their life?

Hangman: [Rick is about to be hanged] Any last requests, pig?
Rick: Yeah. Loosen the knot and let me go.
[the hangman says something to the warden in Arabic]
Warden: [angrily] Of course we don't let him go!
[the hangman smacks Rick on the back of the head]

Cliff: There's a killer baby!

Evelyn: [singsong] Patience is a virtue.
Rick: Not right now, it isn't.

Cliff: I guess I, uh... I owe you an apology. I got sucked straight up my own ass, and I forgot what matters.

- I bet it gets real wild in there.
- In the wee-wee hours of the night, when you think no one's watching...
- Anyone ever tell you to shut your fucking hole?
- Or what?
- Little toybot does what?

Evelyn: [about Ahm Shere] Alexander the Great sent troops in search of it.
Rick: Great for him.
Evelyn: So did Caesar.
Rick: Yeah, look what happened to his career.
Evelyn: And Napoleon.
Rick: Yeah, but we're smarter than him. And taller, too.
Evelyn: Exactly. That's why we're the ones who are gonna find it.
Rick: Because we're taller?

Larry: I thought you might like some air.
Cliff: I can't feel the air.
Larry: Sucks to be you.

Rick: Okay, you're here, the bad guys are here, Evy's been kidnapped. Let me guess.
Ardeth: Yes, they once again removed the creature from his grave.
Jonathan: I don't mean to point fingers, but isn't it your job to make sure that *doesn't* happen?
Ardeth: That woman who was with him, she knows things; things that no living person could possibly know. She knew exactly where the creature was buried. We were hoping she would lead us to the bracelet. She obviously did. And now they have it.
Alex: [revealing the bracelet on his wrist] I wouldn't get too nervous just yet.

Charlie: I'm sorry you had to come over, Liz.
Liz: No, it's okay.
Charlie: I'm sorry I always thinking I'm dying.
Liz: Charlie, your blood pressure is 238 over 134.
Charlie: I'm sorry.
Liz: Go to the hospital.
Charlie: I'm sorry.
Liz: Stop saying you're sorry. Go the hospital. You have congestive heart failure. If you don't go to the hospital, you'll be dead by the weekend.
[sternly]
Liz: You will die.

- We need to find niles, and fast.
- Let's split up.
Cliff: We're gonna find niles and we're gonna kill that fucker dead.
- You hear me? Fucking fuck!
Larry: It's funny.
- I never had an imaginary friend.
Cliff: That is the saddest thing
- I have ever heard.

George: It dancin' time. Ursula wanna dance?

Cliff: This has to be the most people I've ever had inside me.
- Came close at an infield party in Talladega back in the day, but, yeah, this is the record.
Larry: It looks slightly less scrotal in black and white.

Cliff: Didn't think it would be Garguax's alien death ray that caught me, but here we are.
RJ: Alien death ray, huh?
Cliff: Yup.
RJ: Well, whatever cranks your tractor, son.

Charlie: Do you ever get the feeling that people are incapable of not caring?

Izzy: Isn't she beautiful?
Rick: It's a balloon.
Izzy: Ah! It's a dirigible.
Rick: Where's your airplane?
Izzy: Hah, airplanes are a thing of the past.
Rick: Izzy, you were right.
Izzy: I was?
Rick: Yeah.
[draws pistol]
Rick: You're gonna get shot.

Cliff: Yoo hoo. Any pig-tailed pains in the ass down here?

Cliff: Either you start talking or I'll make it my life's mission to figure out how to rip off your ghost head and shit down your ghost neck. Which would entail a side mission of figuring out how to take a shit, but so help me, I will fucking do it!

Cliff: Clara's getting married, and somehow through the grace of sweet baby Jesus, I scored a ticket.
Larry: And you're going to wear a t-shirt? Which will be fine. I mean, everyone will be looking at the bride, anyway.

George: So you no want Ursula to love George?
Beatrice: I'd rather have my tongue nailed to this table every morning at breakfast.
George: That hurt.
Beatrice: Not as much as you will if you do anything to screw up my daughter's marriage to Lyle van de Groot.

Victor: Okay, um, how does she work exactly?
Cliff: Work? She's not a fucking machine, and I have no idea.

Crazy: Holy shit, we're doomed.
Cliff: At least you got to have a fucking orgasm before you die.

- Should we search the place?
- Or that, yeah.
- Nazis.
- Uh-huh.
- Jet's a mile that way.
- We found the chief.

Rick: And let me guess. It was commanded by, uh, the Scorpion King guy?
Evelyn: Yes, but he only awakens once every 5,000 years.
Rick: Right. And if someone doesn't kill him, then he's gonna wipe out the world.
Evelyn: How did you know?
Rick: I didn't. But that's always the story.
Evelyn: The last known expedition to actually reach Ahm Shere was sent by Ramses the Fourth over 3,000 years ago. He sent over a thousand men.
Rick: And none of them was ever seen again.
Evelyn: How did you know?
Rick: I didn't. But that's always the story.

Evelyn: You were actually at Hamunaptra?
Rick: Yeah, I was there.
Evelyn: You swear?
Rick: Every damn day.

Larry: Rita?
- She's ready.
Cliff: What the fuck?
- What's going on now?
Larry: Uh, I think we're about to find out.

[Cliff quietly] You little shit.
Niles: Dorothy.
- Dorothy!
Niles: Dorothy.
Dorothy: I didn't do it.
- It was the candlemaker.
- I'm sorry. I'm leaving.
Cliff: What the fuck?

Evelyn: Um... by the way... why did you kiss me?
Rick: I was about to be hanged. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Evelyn: Ooh!
[gets up and walks away in a huff]
Rick: [Calling after her] What? What'd I say?

[Rick, Ardeth and the others are being pursued by Imhotep's soldier-mummies]
Ardeth: Glad to see me now?
Rick: Just like old times, huh?

George: Dog eat dog? Dog eat dog here?
Ursula: No, that's not what I meant.
George: George never bringing Shep here. Uh uh. Never.

Rick: So, what's the scam, Beni? You take them out into the middle of the desert and then you leave 'em to rot?
Beni: Unfortunately, no. These Americans are smart. They pay me only half now, half when I get them back to Cairo. So this time I must go all the way.
Rick: Them's the breaks, huh?

Madame: And now it's time for you all to answer my questions, starting with, "Where is Niles Caulder?"
Cliff: He's deader than shit. God damn, I love saying that.

- Uh-oh.
Cliff: Spin on this, weird spider-face lady!
Cliff: What the fuck?
Rita: It's just vomit!

- Time to take out the trash.
- Booyah.
Cliff: Nice work, rookie. Phew!
- Next time, you can hide in the garbage and I'll wear the wig.
- Please. We know who's prettiest.

Charles: What, are you and goggles pals now?
- Guess you're a lot alike, really.
- All severe and moody and pessimistic.
- Maybe we are. Bugger off, Charles.
Cliff: Have fun, you kids.
- Don't worry about us. We're great.

Cliff: You mean the precious child you locked away for 90 years?
- You have no idea what she and I have been through.
Cliff: Really, chief?
- You wanna play "who had it worse" with me?
- Thoughtso.
- Go ahead, pummel some rats.
- That'll fill the hole.

Cliff: You might wanna brace yourself.
- We kind of trashed the place.
- We fought a whole cult in there.
- And each other.
Cliff: I had a rat in me.
- It's a story for another time.
Larry: Quite the wild ride, chief, finding you.
- I think you all found much more than me.

Cliff: So her imaginary friends took out two of Jane's imaginary selves. Do we need to have an imaginary intervention?

George: That close one, huh?
[grins]
Ursula: Watch out for that tree!
[George looks up and Ursula's head hits branch, knocking her out]
George: Oops.

- So go, I must.
- So, we understand each other.
- Bring a condom.
- And you, behave.
- I'll be back in a few days.
- Bye, dad.

Cliff: Nobody deserves to be a brick.

- Rita, what did you do?
- You told me to grab his helmet!
- That's not his helmet, that's his head.
Cliff: Holy shit!
- The continue brain thingie is loose!

- I didn't survive forbidden Congo just to die in some goddamn swamp!
[Shouts] Cliff!
Cliff: I'm here.
- Let's go home.
- Let's!

- Just fine.
- Everything is gonna be okay.
- It's okay. It's okay.
Niles: Dorothy!
[Clift] Chief!
- What the hell is going on?
Cliff: She was just...
- This... this rat was, uh... babies...
- And then, out of nowhere she just...
- Chop! I mean, fuck!

- Time to suit up.
Cliff: Seriously, no one saw star wars?

Cliff: Are you crazy?
- He took in an orphan girl.
- How am I gonna beat that?
- I think your love and a sincere apology should suffice.
Cliff: No, no, no, no.
- Frances.
- What?

Cliff: Is anyone going to say anything about the fact that Rita's g-spot almost ended the fucking world?

Cliff: I got you. I got you.
- Don't touch me!
Cliff: Oh, she's back.
- She's back.
- She's back.

- I don't want it here. Make it leave.
- Jane...
- Make it leave!
- Don't worry. I got this.
- "Don't worry. I got this."
- Punk-ass robo-tween.
- I don't really know anything about Jane, really.
- Really?

[after their narrow escape, Izzy cheers wildly, then rounds on O'Connell, furious]
Izzy: O'Connell. You almost got me killed!
Rick: [shrugs weakly] At least you didn't get shot.
Evelyn: Izzy! Thank you!
[kisses Izzy on the cheek]
Evelyn: Thank you!
[kisses Izzy on the cheek again]
Jonathan: [with his diamond] Yes! Yes! Yes!
Izzy: [considerably more mellow] O'Connell, who the hell you been messin' with this time, huh?
Rick: Oh, you know, the usual. Mummies, pygmies, big bugs.

Cliff: [seeing Baby Doll and Dorothy] Those two are just cuter than shit.

Brain: Big fan. Not of you, per se, but of your design.
Cliff: Oh, yeah? So you must also be a fan of things like skin tags, acapella music, the 1973 Houston Oilers,

Rick: [sees hieroglyphic of warrior with a tattoo like his] Okay, now I'm a believer.

- The worst thing about not knowing your own past is that you're doomed to repeat it.
- Any sign of the chief?
- We know he's alive.
- I'm staying here until I find niles caulder.
- Like hell you are.

- she will unleash hell on earth and you will be powerless to stop it.
- Now, cliff, you know everything.
Cliff: Not everything.
- Tell me about the night of my accident.
- I want to hear every fucking detail.

George: Sleep sweet, Ursula.
Ursula: Sleep sweet, George.

- Officers, my friend here is maybe a little depressed, maybe a little high.
- But she takes it all back.
- Take it back, hammerhead.
- Which one of you motherfuckers wants me to jerk a knot in your ass?
- Fuck me.

Cliff: Let's kick those balls in the nuts!

Cliff: I am not babysitting my Nemesis' kid.
- Hey, are you niles' guys?
- Fuck you, government asswipes.
Rita: I swear to god,
- I thought it was a helmet.
- Grab the brain, asshole.

[stopping a truck and throwing the man out]
Rick: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Sorry, pal. There's a mummy on the loose!

- But meanwhile, bump weathers is stuck taking your kid to a shrink, so she can whine about her dead mommy.
- You son of a bitch, you stole my life.
- You've ruined Clara.
- The least you can do is be grateful for it.
- You think that's gonna hurt me?

Rick: And unlike your brother, Miss, you, I just don't get.
Evelyn: [a little drunk] Ah. I know. You're wondering... what is a place like me doing in a girl like this?
Rick: Yeah, something like that.

Cliff: Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want to tell me you were right? That the big, green guy with the death ray was bad.

- Robot!
Victor: Cliff, stop!
Cliff: We should have waited another minute to say goodbye.
- I'm uncomfortable.
- Please, just shut up.
- Let's explode in peace and quiet.

Lyle: [to Max about George] Could you see if he's dangerous?
George: [whiny voice] Here, boy. Where's my little doggy?
Max: I've got a feeling he's not.

Rick: Here we go again.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Cliff: Holy shit!
- Did you see that?
- So wait, is this the eternal flatulation?
- What the fuck?
- To be honest, I'm still high as...

Willoughby: We're wandering into the literal end of days as we speak.
Cliff: Uh, actually, we took care of the end of the world last week. Consider the butts wiped. Front to back.

Cliff: It's every man, woman, and brick for themselves now.

- Look at this fucking place.
- Hello?

[after crashing through London and fighting off the Mummy soldiers]
Rick: You all right?
Ardeth: This was my first bus ride.

Cliff: Trust me. You don't want a piece of this, cuck-face.
- Miss me, pretty boy?
[Man on pa] Containment breach.
- Containment breach.
- Sectors a and a 1, please follow lockdown protocol.

Jonathan: Much as I'd like to stay this boyishly handsome forever, Shangri-La is a crock.
Rick: Yeah, but that's what you used to say about mummies, too, Jon. You did pretty well off it.
Jonathan: Good point.

Cliff: You want to flagellate? Let's flagellate.

- Oh, Rita farr. [Chuckles softly]
- What are you?
- Toad bonnet bee. Thatcher's blue bum.
- Toad bonnet bee. Thatcher's blue bum.
- Toad bonnet bee. Thatcher's blue bum.
Cliff: I am so fucking high.

[swinging a lion over his head while protecting Ursula]
George: George not even trying hard.

[an arrow pierces his Rik's shirt sleeve then Evelyn removes the arrow]
Rick: Hey! That's my favorite blue shirt.
Evelyn: I've always hated that shirt.

- Let's give a warm O'Connell welcome!
- Fire!
- Bazooka!
Rick O'Connell: Fall back!
- Alex! Follow me!

Rick: Let me get this straight. They ripped out your guts and they stuffed them in jars?
Evelyn: And then they take out your heart as well. Oh, and you know how they took out your brains?
Jonathan: Evy, I don't think we need to know this.
Evelyn: They take a sharp, red-hot poker, stick it up your nose, scramble things about a bit, and then rip it all out through your nostrils.
Rick: Ooh, that's gotta hurt.
Evelyn: It's called mummification. You'll be dead when they do this.
Rick: For the record, if I don't make it out of here, don't put me down for mummification.
Jonathan: Likewise.

Rick: [to Mr. Henderson] This door doesn't open. She doesn't come out, and no one goes in, right?
Mr. Henderson: Right.
Rick: [to Mr. Daniels] Right?
Mr. Daniels: Right.
Evelyn: [locked in the bedroom] O'Connell! Jonathan!
Rick: Let's go, Jonathan.
Jonathan: Oh, uh, I thought I could just stay at the fort and, uh, reconnoiter.
Rick: Now!
Jonathan: Yeah. Right. We're just gonna rescue the... Egyptologist.

Victor: [about Chief] The man's dead of OH, Cliff. You're not. By my count, that puts you ahead.
Cliff: That's easy for you to say. All your shit's cool as fucking shit. My shit's just shit.
Victor: He did the best he could.
Cliff: Well, his best sucks my asshole.

- Go through it and you find the book, Elliot.
- So you smoke a couple of cancer sticks and suddenly you can open a door to anywhere?
- You think that's tobacco?
- Fuck it. Let's party.
- Wait!

- Jane! Jane!
- Don't do it!
- Please! No, don't do it!
- No. Jane, what are you doing?
- No! No. Jane!
- Jane! No! No!

[Duke takes down Snake-Eyes with a leg sweep]
Sergeant: [to Duke, indicating to stop fighting] Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ahh!
Breaker: [to Heavy Duty] I've never seen Snake-Eyes take a hit.
Sergeant: [to Heavy Duty and Breaker] They're Joes!
Heavy: [scoffs] Maybe.

Niles: This way. Quickly!
- She's in the doll hospital, down the stairs.
Cliff: That wasn't so bad.
- Maybe the giant roach found a giant turd to chow down on and forgot all about us.
Cliff: It's the roach, isn't it?

- Go on.
- Are you ready now to get on down...
[Man] Mmm.
- You're looking fine, pretty baby.
- You ready to get stuck, bitch?
Cliff: Not tonight, motherfucker.

Warden: O'Connell! O'Connell! What are we going to do? What are we going to do?
Rick: Wait here! I'll go get help!
Warden: Right!
[Rick jumps overboard]

- She doesn't stop.
- She doesn't fucking stop.
- Whoo!
Cliff: Don't get used to it, kid.
- This is not gonna be an everyday thing.
- Wanna go faster?
- All right.
- You asked for it.

Hannah: [all climbing down] Okay, Sean, just make conversation with me.
Sean: So, Hannah, uh. Do you come here often?
[Hannah laughs]
Trevor: Oh' give me a break. That can't be the best line you can come up with.
Sean: [yells] I'm making conversation with her!
Hannah: [laughing] No, Sean, l do not come here very often.

Charlie: You don't like school?
Ellie: Only idiots like high school.
Charlie: But you're on track to graduate, right?
Ellie: Counselor says I might not. I'm not worried. I'm a smart person. I never forget anything. High school is just bullshit.
Charlie: But, Ellie, it's important. If you don't graduate, then...
Ellie: Are you actually trying to parent me right now?
Charlie: No, I'm... Sorry. I just... I just thought that maybe we could spend some time with each other.
Ellie: I'm not spending time with you. You're disgusting.
Charlie: Well, I'm a lot bigger than I was since last time you saw me.
Ellie: No, I'm not talking about what you look like. You'd be disgusting even if you weren't this fat. You'd still be that piece-of-shit dad who walked out on me when I was eight. All because he wanted to fuck one of his students.

Ardeth: [to Alex] By putting this on, you have started a chain reaction that could bring about the next apocalypse.
[Alex gasps]
Rick: [to Ardeth] You, lighten up.
Rick: [to Alex] You, big trouble.
Rick: [to Jonathan] You, get in the car.

Cliff: What's a street doing in the middle of nowhere?
Larry: I'm sure they have a logical explanation.
Rita: They?
Larry: Danny. Did I never mention a sentient, teleporting, gender-queer, street Vic and I hung out on when Jane lost her shit and tried to get married?

Evelyn: Have you got any bright ideas?
Rick: I'm thinking, I'm thinking...
Evelyn: You better think of something fast, because if he turns me into a mummy, you're the first one I'm coming after.

Beni: [after a shipwreck] O'Connell! Hey, O'Connell! It looks to me like I've got all the horses!
Rick: Hey, Beni! Looks to me like you're on the wrong side of the *river*!

- And you're the one who wanted a fight.
- Jane...
- Fuck!
- Jane_.
- Uh, hammerhead, it's me.
- I know who you are, shit bag.

Rick: Well if it ain't my little buddy Beni. I think I'll kill you.
Beni: Think of my children.
Rick: You don't have any children.
Beni: Someday I might.

Larry: It's funny, I never had an imaginary friend.
Cliff: That is the saddest thing I have ever heard.

- -Why am I laughing?
- -Here we go!
Rick O'Connell: Mad Dog, Mad Dog!
- Ease up, ease up, ease up!
Jonathan: Oh, God!
Jonathan: Maguire!
- Come on, man!
- Mad Dog!

Cliff: I'm telling you, this is that crazy spider lady's puke or something.
- It's like a curse!
- Bless you. Oh, my fuck!
- I don't feel so good.
- You don't look great either.
- Jane? Jane?

George: Sometime George smash into tree. And sometime...
[George screams and falls out of treehouse]
George: Sometime George fall out of treehouse. But not feel stupid.

Rick: [a bunch of mummies start coming out of the ground] Who the hell are these guys?
Ardeth: Priests. *Imhotep's* priests.
Rick: All right then.
[Starts shooting]

- Yes, sir.
- Seriously?
- Okay, you know you fucked all the way up now.
- You're pissing me off even more than she did.
- -[Baton za ' ppm -ow! 9]
- Nurnheim sucks.

- Oh, my... [gasps]
- Oh!
Cliff: What the fuck is going on?
- We're all reaching...
- We're fucking coming, man!
- Shit.

[Evie is trying to bribe Rick into checking out the Oasis of Ahm Shere]
Evelyn: I think the bracelet is some sort of guide to the lost oasis of Ahm Shere.
Rick: Evy, I know what you're thinking, and the answer is no. We just got home.
Evelyn: That's the beauty of it. We're already packed.
Rick: Why don't you just give me one good reason?
Evelyn: It's just an oasis... darling. A beautiful... exciting... romantic... oasis.
Rick: Hmm. The kind with the white, sandy beach and the palm trees and the cool, clear, blue water and... We could have some of those big drinks with the little umbrellas.
Evelyn: Sounds good.
Rick: Sounds too good. What's the catch?
Evelyn: Supposedly it's the resting place of Anubis's army.
Rick: Ah, ya see? I knew there's a catch. There's *always* a catch.

Cliff: I'm not taking any advice from a manifestation of my diseased brain.

- Are you honestly expecting me to believe that you've changed?
- I haven't.
- But I want to try.
- Like the rest of you.
Cliff: I'll vouch for her.
- Fine. [Clears throat]
- I suppose this is the easiest way to keep an eye on you.

Ursula: And you can watch TV, and eat, and relax, and I'll be back as soon as I can. Just stay here.
Narrator: Stay here? George is king of the jungle. No four walls built by modern man can contain him
George: Not true. George have every intention of doing exactly what Ursula say.
Narrator: Really? Is that so?
George: For a while.
[grins]

[Jane] Honk, honk.
- Is that my bus?
- What on earth are you doing?
[Jane] What are we doing?
- We're going into town.
- I'm in.

Cliff: But if you need help kicking some evil ass, I'm ready to fucking roll.

Cliff: Please! Angry Jesus! Don't let me die before I touch my grandbaby!

[Whimpers] Oh, god.
- What did I do?
- I'm sorry. I...
- You...
- Dont

Ellie: [heads for the door] I don't even know why I'm here.
Charlie: I can pay you.
Ellie: You want to pay me to spend time with you?
Charlie: And I can help you with your work. It's what I do for my job. I can help you pass your class.
Ellie: You teach online?
Charlie: Yes.
Ellie: Your students know what you look like?
Charlie: I keep the camera shut off.
Ellie: Yeah, that's probably a good idea.

- where you killed us all?
- Shut up, cliff.
- Yeah, that sucked.
- But if you're feeling any homicidal urges, just give us a little heads-up, all right?
- I said, shut up.
- I'm gonna come for you.

Evelyn: Kiss me.
Rick: You don't have to ask me twice.
[kisses Evelyn]

Cliff: Yup.
- Well, whatever cranks your tractor, son.
Elinore: Told you to watch your footing, son.
- Mom?
- Come on, Victor, we don't have all day.
- Wait, mom. Hold up!

Flex: I think I flexed the wrong muscle.
Cliff: No shit, dummy!

Victor: I'm Cyborg. My tech is part of who I am.
Cliff: Your tech is just a bunch of tangled wires and twisted metal. It's got nothing to do with who you are.

- I was busy not getting swallowed by it.
- Where's the hole now?
- It swallowed itself.
- Did you see anything useful?
- Yes, damn it! The donkey!
- What's the donkey got to do with it?
- That's what I'm trying to figure out, asshole!
- I take it that's Jane.

Evelyn: [preparing to open the sarcophagus] Oh, I've dreamt about this since I was a little girl.
Rick: You dream about dead guys?

- Are you coming?
Cliff: No, you... you go ahead.
Rita: Okay.

Cliff: Shit!
- I completely fucked up, didn't I?
- Yeah, dude.
- We both did.
Cliff: Let's get out of here.
Cliff: You're coming?

Cliff: Hey, sweetie, you'd tell me if you were a secret shapeshifter here to fuck up my life, wouldn't you?

- I think I flexed the wrong muscle.
- No shit, dummy!
Cliff: Oh! Uh...
- Oh, yeah!
- I'll fucking kill you!
- Oh, fuck!

Ardeth: I am sorry if I alarmed your son, but you must understand, now that the bracelet is on his wrist, we have only seven days before the Scorpion King awakens.
Rick: We? What we?
Ardeth: If he is not killed, he will raise the Army of Anubis.
Jonathan: I take it that's not a good thing?
Rick: Oh, he'll wipe out the world.
Jonathan: Ah, the old "wipe out the world" ploy.

- No crusts.
- Fuck me.
- House special.
- Crustless pb and j triangles.
- Oh! Thanks.
- Too bad three of us are gluten-free,
- 12 of us are allergic to peanut butter and none of us are your fucking daughter!

Cliff: Doom force!
[All] No!
- Brainwash mentalities to control the system using TV and movies religions, of course yes, the world is headed for destruction is it a nuclear war?
- What are you asking for?

Cliff: Sorry to disturb your night terror.
Victor: It wasn't a night terror.
Cliff: Spooky wet dream, then. Whatever.

- we need to start talking to each other.
- Therapy.
- And I would rather eat hot coals than talk about my problems.
- Therapy.
- And damn it, cliff, get a grip.
- Therapy!

Cliff: Where are you going?
Rita: It's Thursday, trash day.
Cliff: So that's it? I'm going it alone?
Rita: What did you expect Cliff? We're not heroes.

- I really need tonight to go well.
- Oh.
- And you're sort of weird and creepy, so...
[Cliff stutters] I just...
- I just wanted to tell you, to tell all of you, I'm sorry.
- Uh-huh.

Cliff: [punching a rat] Squeak, squeak, motherfucker!

Cliff: I think you asked me a question, but I'm sorry, I don't understand.

[noticing the mountain behind them]
Trevor: That's Mount Vesuvius! Hey Sean, if your mom asks you what you did this weekend, you tell her uncle Trevor took you to Italy.
Sean: Italy?
Trevor: Si.

Cliff: Fucker ejects me into space. What kind of person does that? Asshole person, that's who!

Jonathan: Pull me up! Pull me up! Pull me up!
[he sees the huge diamond on top of the pyramid]
Jonathan: Wait! Wait! Let me down! Let me down!
Rick: It's not worth your life, you idiot!
Jonathan: Yes, it is! Yes, it is!

Thomas: [When asked where he is from] A little town called Waterloo?
Charlie: You're asking me?
Thomas: A little town called Waterloo.

- This codependent routine is getting stale, cliff.
- Go, stay... do whatever you want, just don't do it for me.
Cliff: Okay, for the record,
- I am not dependent on anybody.
- I am my own robot.

Flex: [Flex is preparing to use his flexing powers to send the Doom Patrol into the White Space] Alright, everybody focus! I need you to focus on the White Space.
[Flex holds up an open comic book and flexes his muscles]
Cliff: Anybody? Anything?
Elasti: I... I feel... s-something.
Larry: Me too.
Crazy: Yeah...
Cliff: [Cliff is unable to feel because of his robot body] Is there something that I should be feeling right now?
Larry: It's like... oh? OH!
Elasti: Oh my...! Huh!
Cliff: [Cliff looks around and sees people in the street acting strangely] What the fuck is going on?
Elasti: We're all reaching... .!
Larry: Oh... oh!
Crazy: We're fucking cumming man!
[Everyone including the Doom Patrol but except for Flex and Cliff begin to simultaneously orgasm]
Crazy: Shit!
Larry: Oh oh!
Elasti: Oh! Oh! Ohhhhh!
Flex: [Flex realises what's happening] I think I flexed the wrong muscle.
Cliff: No shit dummy!
[Cliff realises that he is unable to orgasm because of his robot body and begins to fake an orgasm]
Cliff: Oh, err... oh oh, oh yeah!
Crazy: [Crazy Jane looks at Flex] I'm gonna fucking kill you! Oh fuck!
[Everyone except for Flex and Cliff simultaneously orgasm]
Flex: I am so, so, so, so sorry. I was shooting for the splenius capitis, and I accidentally flexed the splenius cervicus. You did the right thing...
Elasti: Just give us a moment!
Larry: Please.
Flex: Take as much time as you need... I... I'm stupid...

Cliff: I don't know if I can just kill an unarmed zombie butt farmer.

- Made you something. Your paper clip.
- I know the perfect place to keep this.
Malcolm: I'll guard it with my life.
- I came here because something very big is set to occur.
Cliff: "The eternal flatulation is coming."
Laura: And it needs to be stopped.

Hannah: That's two you owe me now.
Trevor: Who's counting?
Hannah: I am.
Sean: [Sean came] That was... awesome!

Evelyn: [about O'Connell to Jonathan] Well, personally, I think he's filthy, rude, a complete scoundrel. I don't like him one bit.
Rick: [walking up from behind] Anyone I know?

Crazy: I don't know if I deserve to be loved.
Cliff: I hate to break it to you, but if people want to love you, there isn't really anything you can do to stop them.

Cliff: So, you want to go fuck these Immortus chumps up, or what?
Crazy: You bet your copper-plated ass.

Rick: Who the hell are those guys? Where are they taking my wife?
Ardeth: My friend, I'm not sure, but wherever this man is, your wife will surely be.
Alex: [Alex rips the picture out of Ardeth's hands] Hey, I know him. He's the curator. He works at the British Museum.
Ardeth: Are you sure?
Rick: You better believe him. He spends more time there then he does at home.

Cliff: Who'd have thought that a deadbeat robodad with a brain disease is the only capable member left on the team?

Cliff: I know I'm going to Hell, but the sex ghosts are hot.
Larry: Shut up, Cliff.

[Man over pa] Mickey, price check on aisle six.
- That's me, hon. [Sighs]
- I think we're good.
Cliff: Rita '84.
- Battle of the network stars.
- Jane/mama pentecost.
- Where the fuck is that dumb, shit-ass fucking tape?

Ursula: And this is Neiman Marcus
George: Ooh! They have big shiny cave.

George: [on Ursula's apartment balcony] This very high treehouse.
Ursula: Mmm-hmm.
George: Good place to call friends from, sound carry.
Ursula: Oh, no...
[George lets out jungle call]
Ursula: ...the neighbors.

- That's, like, worse than shooting a unicorn by magnitudes of billions.
Cliff: I think I need help.
- I'm gonna make it out of here.
- With the living.
- Me too.

Rick: Can you swim?
Evelyn: Well, of course I can swim, if the occasion calls for it.
Rick: [throwing her overboard] Trust me. It calls for it.

- Who?
Cliff: Bro...
- What does it have to do with the rat in your head?
- Cliff, thank heavens you're still out here.
- Jane wants to see you right away.
Cliff: Keep it real, kid.

Izzy: This thing was filled with gas. Not hot air. Gas. I need gas to get this thing off the ground. Where am I gonna get gas from around here? Huh? Bananas? Mangos? What, Tarzan's ass? Well, maybe I could finagle it to take hot air. But do you know how many cubic meters I'd need? It's too big!
Rick: If anybody can fill this thing up with hot air, Izzy... it's you.

[Alex opens a trunk filled with guns and grenades]
Rick: What did you do now? Rob an armory?

- halt the apocalypse or anything.
- You believe a blue horse head.
- I do.
- I just don't understand anything anymore.
- We're in.
- Glad you could fit it in your schedule.

Cliff: Jane called this meeting?
- Yes. Jane call meeting.
- All right, where's Vic and Larry?
[Yells] Thanks a lot, guys!
Victor: We're in.
- Hey, grid, I'm here.

- I'll bump that face off your punch!
- Hold him down.
- There's something wrong with him.
- No, he's just grieving.
- Oh! Ugh.

Victor: Maybe because it's not all about who you can bang.
Cliff: Said no superhero ever.

[upon being surrounded by an army of the undead]
Rick: These are, uh... They're good undead guys, right?

Sean: [running from a dinosaur] Haven't you ever seen a dinosaur before?
Trevor: Not with skin on it!

Rick: [to Dragon Emperor] Enough tricks! Where's your honor? Fight like a man!

Rick: The Book of the Dead? Are you sure you want to be playing around with this thing?
Evelyn: It's just a book. No harm ever came from... reading a book.

[Ursula screams at the sight of Ape]
George: No, no! It's all right! Ape friend! Ape make your breakfast!
Ursula: [panicky] What does it want? What does it want?
Ape: "It" wants "its" Physician's Desk Reference, if you don't mind. Unless you'd rather die of dengue fever, of course.
Ursula: [laughing hysterically] That is very funny!
Ape: [sarcastic] Ha, ha, ha...
Ursula: I thought I heard the monkey talk!

[Jane] Sorry if! Missed the subtext of your incredibly blunt directive.
- Why don't you mansplain it to me?
Cliff: If there ever was a time for you to let something go, this is that time!
[Jane] That's not how it works, dude.
Cliff: Come on! We need to get the fuck out of here, Jane!

Cliff: Okay. So, we have teleported up Walt Disney's asshole. Now what?

Cliff: I was so focused on being great, I forgot to be good.

Cliff: Wait! Jesus.
- I come in peace.
- Maybe we could talk this out?
- You think I give a French fried titty-fuck about anything you have to say right now, cliff?
- I'm here to end you.

- Remember, the chief said to be careful.
Cliff: Fucking fuck him!

Evelyn: Look, I... I may not be an explorer or an adventurer, or a treasure-seeker or a gunfighter, Mr. O'Connell, but I am proud of what I am.
Rick: And what is that?
Evelyn: I... am a librarian.

Rick: Where the hell's Jonathon?
[Jonathon drives up in a double-decker bus with Alex]
Evelyn: Alex!
Rick: What's the matter with my car?
Jonathan: Well, I was forced to find an alternative means of transportation.
Rick: [shouting] A double-decker bus?
Jonathan: [pointing to Alex] It was his idea!
Alex: Was not!
Jonathan: Was too!
Rick: Just go!
Jonathan: Was too!
Alex: Was not!

- I was in tampa in the supply closet of the Peking noodle, up to my nose in boobs and ground-up sudafed with jalinda the waitress.
- Oh! And there was a tub of crisco... [shrieks]
- Remember, don't touch the continuinium.
Cliff: Fuck you for making me relive the Peking noodle.

- Give her some room.
Cliff: What the hell happened here?
[Both] Long story.
- What happened in there?
Cliff: It's not my story to tell.
- I get it.

- Making you feel small and stupid and useless.
- You're not useless!
Cliff: Hi.
- Fihuds]
- See, cliff?
- You're plenty useful.

Trevor: [holds up Max's yo-yo] This was your old man's PSP.

Evelyn: It's only a chest. No harm ever came from opening a chest.
Rick: Yeah, right, and no harm ever came from reading a book. You remember how that one went?

[last lines]
Jonathan: Well, I guess we go home empty-handed... again.
Rick: I wouldn't say that.
[looks at Evelyn]
Jonathan: Oh, please.
[Rick kisses Evelyn]
Jonathan: [to his camel] How about you, darling? Would you like a little kissy-wissy?
[the camel breathes on him]
Jonathan: Whew!

Jonathan: [Trying to buy some camels from a Bedouin] I only want four! Four! I only want four, not a whole bloody herd! O'Connell! Can you believe the cheek?
Rick: Will you just pay the man!
Jonathan: Oh, for heaven's sake! Can't believe the price of these fleabags! Yes, happy. Very good.
Rick: You probably could've got 'em for free. All we had to do was give him your sister.
Jonathan: Yes. Awfully tempting, wasn't it?
Rick: [as Evelyn walks up looking beautiful in her new black clothes with a veil hiding her face except the eyes] Awfully...

Larry: My son is dead.
Cliff: Oh, did chief get him, too?
- Shut up, cliff!
- I'm so sorry for your loss.
Larry: Uh, it's okay.
- I doubt he even knew I existed.

- I'm getting magnet feet instead.
- Why?
- So I can walk up walls.
- Uh-huh.
- Oh, my god, it's here.
- Oh, thank fuck.

Beni: You never believed in Hamunaptra, O'Connell. Why are you going back?
Rick: You see that girl?
[points to Evelyn]
Rick: She saved my neck.
Beni: You always did have more balls than brains.

Ardeth: [on seeing Rick's tattoo] If I were to say to you, "I am a stranger traveling from the East, seeking that which is lost"...
Rick: Then I would reply that, "I am a stranger traveling from the West. It is I whom you seek." How...
Ardeth: Then it is true. You have the sacred mark.
Rick: What, that? No, that got slapped on me when I was in an orphanage in Cairo.
Ardeth: That mark means you're a protector of man, a warrior for God, a Medjai.
Rick: I'm sorry. You've got the wrong guy.

- Hey, what was it like getting buried in a pyramid with your cat?
- Yeah, a sense of humor helps here. So you'll work on that.
- So what's your story?
- I flew airplanes.
[Mr. Morden] Flew airplanes?
- Please. Larry trainor was an American god.

- and eradication.
Cliff: How do you know all this?
Larry: Because I was one of their assets.
- For years...
- They studied me...
- Tortured me.

- Congratulations. You're officially catfishing your daughter.
- Is this because
- I stuck up for you with your pops?
- You did?
- A little.
- I just thought that you should...
- Have the chance to get to know your daughter.
- Maybe it's better for both of you if you'd done it from afar.

Charlie: People are amazing.

- Except, the pursuit of science is worth any cost.
- The man who helped me escape would disagree.
- Actually, I think you may know him.
- Niles caulder.
- This is good.
- Meaningful silence is good.

Niles: How could I miss it?
Cliff: Hey, big fella.
- You friend or foe?
- Foe! He's foe as fuck!
- Looks like it's going to be the hard way.
- As long as the regular people are out of danger.
- Fuck the regular people.

- come beating on your door
- I know I'm a prisoner...
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Thank you for the advice.
- Yeah.
- Uh, I'm gonna... get on the road.
Cliff: Okay.

- All right, here I come!
Lin: Give me your hand!
- Come on!
- Watch out!
Rick O'Connell: Evy, where are you going?
- -Taking a short cut!
- -Evy!

Rick: Time to go to plan B! Blow up the tower!
Jonathan: Hey, I'm actually a little concerned about plan B! Can't we go straight to plan C?
Rick: Just make it go bang! I'll cover ya!

- Hey, Siri, what's the doom patrol?
- Will you please stop doing that?
- His shit's busted right now, Jane.
- "Doom patrol"? Never heard of them.
- Why do you ask?
- Mr. Nobody kind of asked me to find them.

- Where are you going?
- It's Thursday.
- Trash day?
- So that's it?
- I'm going this alone.
- What did you expect, cliff?
- We're not heroes.

Cliff: That's not a monster. That's a big nut sack with demon pubes.

Rick: [talking about Alex] I swear, the kid gets more and more like you every day.
Evelyn: What, you mean more attractive, sweet and... devilishly charming?
Rick: No, he's driving me crazy.

Victor: Well, we couldn't make your arm exactly like it was so, um, we decided to make it better.
Cliff: Looks like the same old shitty robot arm with the same old shitty robot fingers that I can't type for shit with, or write, or bowl.

- And to be completely honest,
- I hoped it would help mend things between us.
Cliff: There isn't a single gesture in this goddamn universe that could fix things between us.
- But...
- Thank you.

Rick: I! Really! Hate! Mummies!
Evelyn: It seems the feeling's mutual!

Larry: The high-priority wing.
- This way.
Cliff: Wait.
- What about the rest?
- There could be hundreds of 'em.
- Weirdos like us.
- We can't just leave them.

Rick: You came back from the desert with a new friend, didn't you, Beni?
Beni: What friend? You are my only friend.

- I cut them from a photo of her,
- I loved her eyes so much.
- But after what she did, what I saw...
- I couldn't bear to look at her anymore. Or you.
Cliff: Why are you doing this, man?
- You're supposed to be all peaceful and shit.

Alex: When I saw you lying there, Dad, I... I've never been so scared in my life.
Rick: Well, that makes two of us.
Alex: I mean, you know, you're not supposed to die, you know? You're Ricochet O'Connell, right? Get beat up, you get tossed around, but... you're always standing there in the end. I never really thought of the world with out you.

Trevor: We're still falling!

- Glad all of you could make it.
- What the...
Cliff: Jane!
- Motherfucker!
Larry: Okay, pal.
- If there was ever a time to fight, it's...

Cliff: When I said the name "Laura Demille", I got a foot up my ass and not in a good way.

Cliff: We're two bananas short of a dogshit sundae.

Cliff: I have no fucking clue what's happening right now, and I really mean that this time.

Madame: But when I think of him, I am filled with an overwhelming and immediate urge to punch him in the face.
Rita: That's him.
Cliff: Yup.
Crazy: Yup.
Larry: Sounds about right.

Larry: No, you can trust him. He's a good man. He's proven that to me.
Cliff: Are we talking about the same dude who dropped us into a fire pit and kidnapped Keeg? 'Cause that dude, still on my shitlist!

Cliff: It's called the backbone.
- Quickest way to discover who you really are.
- The only way to reach the top is to let go of all your fear.
- Ooh, says here back in the 705,
- Nixon climbed up, and when he came back down, he resigned.
- Huh!

Sergeant: [seeing Duke and Ripcord training] Are they Joes?
Heavy: Hell, no. They're jokes.

Cliff: Smooth... as a sandpaper strap-on.

Rick: Look kid, I've put down more mummies in my time than you.
Alex: You put down one mummy, Dad.
Rick: Yeah. Same mummy... *twice*.

Cliff: Not to say every moment is a teachable moment, but let's pause and celebrate the fact that you didn't murder me.

Narrator: The ape named ape was caged in a cage, hoping to hear the jungle king's awesome...
[jungle call]
Narrator: Hey, I'm pretty good at that. And wondering if he would ever come. But the motion-sick mammal needn't have moaned, for that defender of the innocent, protector of the weak, and all around good guy George of the Jungle was closer than he knew.
[noises come from crate and it opens with George in it]
George: Next time George get bigger box.

- You can't see them right now, because they're inside.
- Clara was deemed expendable.
Cliff: My daughter was expendable?
- How is your kid more important than mine?
Larry: Tell you what, tomorrow...
- You and I are gonna set some air.

Jonathan: Let's see what our friend the warden believed in.
[starts looking through the warden's pouch. Suddenly he cuts himself on something]
Rick: What?
Evelyn: My God, what is it?
Jonathan: A broken bottle. Glenlivet, twelve years old! Well, he may have been a stinky fellow, but he had good taste.

Max: Let's take care of him.
George: Huh?
[Max and Thor pick George up and ram head into cage]
Ape: Why didn't you come sooner?
George: Why Ape have little stars around head?
[Max and Thor pull George out, tickles him, and rams head back in]
Ape: George, remember everything I told you about Queensbury rules and fighting fair?
George: Uh-huh.
Ape: Well, now's a good time to forget it.

Larry: But there's something else you should see.
Cliff: Is it Dorothy playing dress-up with Rita's skin?

Evelyn: We must stop him from regenerating. Who opened that chest?
Mr. Henderson: Well, there was me, and Daniels here. Oh, and Burns, of course.
Mr. Daniels: And that Egyptologist feller.
Rick: What about my buddy, Beni?
Mr. Daniels: Nah, he scrammed out of there 'fore we opened the damn thing.
Mr. Henderson: Yeah. He was the smart one.
Rick: Well, yeah, that sounds like Beni.

Trevor: [in complete awe] Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the center of the Earth.

Ursula: So I'll tell my dad first thing in the morning.
Betsy: Make that second thing. First thing, I suggest you buy jungle man some clothes.
[George is wearing a dress]
George: Nice butt flap.

Cliff: Wow.
- What are we all so angry about?

- You'll never grow up.
- I should've known. Jesus forgives.
- Yeah.
Candlemaker: Unfortunately, for you,
- I'm not Jesus.
Cliff: What the fuck?

[Evelyn has just kicked a poisonous snake towards Rick]
Rick: Those are poisonous, you know.
Evelyn: Only if they bite you.

Cliff: Once you get a taste of special, there's no turning back.

- I can't.
Larry: Yes, you can.
- You can tell us anything.
Rita: It's all right, niles.
- If there is one thing we've all learned from this nightmare, it's that there's no need for secrets between us.
Cliff: It's okay.
- You can do this, chief.

Cliff: Wow. You really are evil.

- I couldn't see past my own bullshit, and then I forgot.
- You forgot to buy your daughter a birthday present?
- I was busy.
- Fucking the nanny.
- You idiot.
- Yeah.
- And now I'm totally stressed.

Niles: Cliff, I need you. Dorothy needs you.
Cliff: In case I haven't been clear, fuck Dorothy!

[looks down Ursula's shirt]
George: Something funny about this fella.

Charlie: I need to know that I have done one right thing with my life!

- Oh, god. No.
- Clara. What happened to Clara?
- I'm afraid you were the only survivor.
- No! No, no!
- No, no!
- No, no, no!

[first lines]
Max: [yelling while falling to his death] Trevor!
Trevor: [wakes up suddenly] Max!

Rick: [to Ardeth Bay on seeing Imhotep's resurrection] You know, a couple of years ago this would have seemed really strange to me.

Winston: What's the, uh, What's the challenge, then?
Rick: Rescue the damsel in distress, kill the bad guy, and save the world.

Jonathan: Boys! If I may... Do we have a plan for the Emperor?
Rick: Yeah. We're gonna hit him high, hard and fast and smash him like a Ming vase.
Jonathan: And if that doesn't work?
Rick: We go to plan B... Plan B! You go upstairs, you blow up that gold tower thing. You light it up. We blow the guy sky high!
Jonathan: Me?

Evelyn: The map! The map! I forgot the map!
Rick: Relax. I'm the map. It's all up here.
[points to his head]
Evelyn: Oh, that's comforting.

Izzy: Remember that bank job in Marrakesh?
Evelyn: Bank job?
Rick: It's not like it sounds.
Izzy: Ah, it's exactly how it sounds. I'm flying high, *hiding* in the sun. The white boy here flags me down, so I fly in low for the pickup. The next thing I know, I get shot! I'm lying in the middle of the road with my spleen hanging out and I see him waltzing up with some belly dancer girl.
Evelyn: Belly dancer girl? Izzy, I think you and I should talk.
Izzy: As long as I don't get shot.

- Katy saw something. Katy saw something.
- Okay, well, let's talk to Katy.
- Why does Katy stay so deep in the underground?
- Because...
- She doesn't like to be interrogated.
- Shit!

Victor: How long have you been in our house?
Madame: Well, long enough to see Bandages over here play dress-up with your dead bodies.
Crazy: No!
Cliff: The fuck?
Larry: I was at a low point and wasn't making great decisions, okay?

Ape: George, what on earth are you doing?
[George is wearing flower lei]
George: George just feel like looking a little special today. That all

- It's grid.
Cliff: He put his computer-thingie in that computer-thingie?
- If grid is here, where the hell is my son?
Cliff: Uh, just wanna say snitches get stitches.
Larry: The ant farm.

- She can do whatever she bleeding wants to.
- We need to get to the river. Now.
Cliff: Fuck that.
- We fucked up those freaks with the glow-in-the-dark testicle thingies, we'll fuck up that face-like-a-spider woman, too!
- Who was that guy?
- I have no idea.

Cliff: Bullshit! There's no such thing as time travel. 'Cause if there was, a certain sixth grade assbag named Jimmy Decker would've never pulled my pants down in assembly. And I never would've had the nickname "Cheeto Dick" for six years.
Crazy: That's what you would go back in time and fix?

Evelyn: Any regrets, darling?
Rick: None. Not ever.

Rick: Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.
Evelyn: The only thing that scares me, Mr. O'Connell, are your manners.

- teleporting, gender-queer street
- Vic and I hung out on while Jane lost her shit and tried to get married?
- Vic mentioned it.
- You really keep to yourself too much, man.
Larry: Well, that's Danny, and you're gonna love them.
Cliff: The fuck?

Cliff: If I could cry, I'd cry. A lot.

Beni: As long as I serve him, I am immune.
Rick: Immune from what?
Beni: [in Hungarian] Filthy animal.
Rick: What did you say?
Beni: I don't wanna tell you. You'll just hurt me some more.

Cliff: I know you think I'm dealing with my Parkinson's like a champ, but trust me, a death sentence never really leaves the top of your mind.

Sean: Rubies...
Hannah: Emeralds...
Trevor: Feldspar!

- Ineededto_.
Cliff: Motherfucker!
Niles: I am so sorry.
- Liar.
- You lied to Jane.
- You lied to all of us.

Cliff: What the hell happened here?
[Both] Long story.
- What happened in there?
Cliff: That's not my story to tell.
- The good thing is she's back.
- And I think she's better.

Rick: [trying to pack Evelyn's things into a suitcase, but, as he's packing, she's taking her things back out again] I thought you said you didn't believe in all this fairy tales and hokum stuff!
Evelyn: Well, having an encounter with a three thousand-year-old walking, talking corpse does tend to convert one.
Rick: Forget it! We're out the door, we're down the hall, and we're gone.
Evelyn: Oh, no, we are not!
Rick: Oh, yes, we are!
Evelyn: Oh, no, we are not! We woke him up, and we are going stop him!
Rick: We? What 'we'? We didn't read that book. I told you not to play around with that thing, didn't I tell you not to play around with that thing?
Evelyn: Yes, that's right, me, me, me, me, I, I, I woke him up and I intend to stop him.
Rick: Oh yeah? How? You heard the man, no mortal weapons can kill this guy.
Evelyn: Then we're just going to have to find some immortal ones!
Rick: There goes that 'we' again, y'know I wonder if-
[Evelyn slams the suitcase shut on Rick's fingers]
Rick: Ah!
Evelyn: Listen we've got to do something! Once the creature's been reborn, his curse is going to spread until the whole of the earth is destroyed!
Rick: And is that my problem?
Evelyn: Well, it is everybody's problem!
Rick: Evelyn, I appreciate you saving my life and all, but when I signed on, I agreed to take you out there and bring you back, end of job, end of story, contract terminated!
Evelyn: Oh, that's all I am to you, a contract?
Rick: Ok look, you can either tag along with me or stay here... and try to save the world! What's it gonna be?
Evelyn: I'm staying.
Rick: Fine!
Evelyn: Fine!
Rick: Fine.
Evelyn: Fine.
Rick: Fine.
[leaves and slams the door]
Evelyn: Ooh...

Trevor: Max was right. He was right!
Trevor: [shouting] Max! Was! Right! Ha ha!
Trevor: [to Sean] Your dad was right. He was right.
Sean: [to Hannah] Hannah, your dad was right too.
Trevor: They both believed in something that everyone told them was impossible. He was right!
Trevor: [echoing] He was right!

Cliff: I think we can agree that what happens in the Eternal Flagellation, stays in the Eternal Flagellation.

Cliff: I'm in a full-blown psychological crisis, and you're offering me ecstasy?

- Don't yell at him, it's not his fault he has no control over that thing.
- Yes, I do.
- I will, uh...
- I'll get it under control.
- Impressive leadership skills there, Batman.
- Way to rally the team.
- Justice league 2020.

[O'Connell sees mummified soldiers starting to crush his car]
Rick: No, no! Not my car!
[Mummies continue to run over and destroy his car]
Rick: Oh, I hate mummies.

- Look, I'm sorry, Rita.
- He can't help. Not with this.
Cliff: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Dorothy: What are you doing?
[Clift] Uh... nothing.
- I know what you're up to.
- You're going to feed the rats.
[Clift] Sure.
- Can I come?
Cliff: Nope.

Victor: I've been thinking, am I the hammer or the nail?
Cliff: My brother, I hear you.