The Best Howard Quotes

Howard: I appreciate what you guys were saying, but I still want a cool girlfriend like Chelsea or Blade. Then kids would come to me. It's a sign that you're somebody.
Terry: Somebody pretty shallow.
Howard: Shallow but popular.
[seeing Terry's car]
Howard: Hey! The boss's car. How about a lift?
Terry: Sure, if you don't mind a side trip. I have to run an errand for Mr. Wayne.
Howard: Aw, if I had wheels like these, I'd get more girls than a rock star.
Terry: I did mention the whole shallow thing, didn't I?

[Howard is trying to break up with his robotic "girlfriend", Cynthia]
Howard: [finishing] ... we can still be friends.
[Batman groans and puts a hand over his eyes]
Cynthia: Friends...? *FRIENDS?*
[she starts to vibrate and crackle]
Howard: Wrong thing to say?
Batman: Is it ever the *right* thing?

Ms. Pinto: This week's project will help show you what parenthood is all about.
[pointedly, mostly to Terry]
Ms. Pinto: And for those of you who are *failing*, it will be one last chance to catch up, because this assignment will count for a full half of your final grade.
[the class fawns as she unveils the eggbabies]
Ms. Pinto: Yes, they do look cute, until you have the responsibility of caring for them. And that's exactly what you'll be doing this week. That means feeding it, bathing it, rocking it, whatever it takes. I've divided you into random couples. Nelson, you'll be paired with Maxine.
[Max groans]
Ms. Pinto: John Key and Rachel Eng. Frankie Lewis and Matilda Ides. Howard Groote and Dana Tan.
Howard: [waving to Dana] Hi, honey.

Ms. Pinto: According to this data, most of you did borderline jobs as parents; namely C's.
Howard: But, Ms. Pinto...
Ms. Pinto: Yes, Howard, you and Dana fed yours and rocked it and gave it plenty of nap time, but a baby needs more than that. Its mind needs to be stimulated, too. And according to this printout, only one baby was fully stimulated, the one belonging to Terry and Blade. Congratulations, Mr. McGinnis. Who knew you'd turn out to be such ideal father material?

Louie: Hey, drifty, you got a purpose?
Howard: I'm here to pick up a special order.
Louie: Ahh, you want a custom job. Something like that little synthoid number over there?
Howard: Sure, sure, yeah. I mean, can you?
Louie: Well, legally, no. But for the right price, I'd shave a coyote.

Dana: Come on, Howard, you promised I could have him for a while.
Howard: Okay, but he just ate, so he's gonna be a little fussy. And keep him covered. I thought I heard a bit of a sneeze before. And...
Dana: [impatiently, getting the idea] Howard.

Howard: [after Cynthia blows up his house] Just look at it. How could this be any worse?
Mr. Groote: [pulling the car into the driveway] Howard!
Max: See ya.
Howard: Mom, dad, I thought you had another week in Madrid.
Mr. Groote: We did until you maxed out our credit card.

Chelsea: [she and other students are planning to attend Howard's party] If you're not too busy being Mr. Host, maybe I can pry you away from Cynthia for a dance.
[puts her hand on his shoulder]
Howard: You're talking to Howard Groote. All things are possible.
[Terry notices Cynthia giving Chelsea an angry look, she squeezes Howard's notebook so tightly it cracks]

Howard: Yo, Chelsea, I saved that dance for you.
Chelsea: Get a life, toy boy.

[first lines]
Howard: I just don't see the point.
Dana: Of a library? Come on, Howard.
Howard: It's so... retro. All the information you want you can get over the net. Books too.
Dana: But what about the feeling of holding the book in your hands? You can't get that over the net.

Louie: Tell me what you want, and I'll make it happen.
Howard: Personality-wise, she's gotta be completely devoted to me. 100% loyal. Physically, around 5'7", red hair, medium length, and the coolest green eyes.

Cynthia: You don't like me anymore.
Howard: I do, Cynthia. I just have to fix something in your command processor so you don't shove people around.
Cynthia: But I am what you wanted me to be, Howard.
Howard: I... I just didn't mean quite so intense. You're hurting people.
Cynthia: We won't need other people. You're my only reason for being. I'd go to pieces without you.
Howard: [pushing her away] Cynthia. Cynthia! Keep your hands to your... Cynthia!
Blade: [hearing the commotion outside] Go, Howard.

Cynthia: We can be together forever.
Howard: Forever's a long time. A real long time. And I'm kinda young.
Cynthia: Which means we'll have even more time together.
Howard: Cynthia, listen. We have to talk. The fact is, this relationship isn't working. You're way too possessive. It was great in the beginning, but now, I...
Cynthia: You what?
Howard: I wanna see other girls.
[she starts to overload]
Howard: Oh, this isn't good.
Blade: [seeing him come out] Sounds like you really got her wound up.
Howard: You don't know the half of it.

Nelson: What's your name, doll?
Cynthia: I don't know.
Nelson: First-day jitters, huh? Hill High can be friendly, if you've got the right friends.
Cynthia: No, thanks. I'm only interested in him.
Howard: Excuse me, Nelson. She's out of your league.
Nelson: Your friend got a name, Groote?
Howard: Synth... thia. Gotta run.
Nelson: [to his friends] No way a nimbus like Groote deserves a schway babe like that. I'm gonna have to put him in his place.

Terry: [leaving a screening of "Casablanca"] What'd you think of it, Howard?
Howard: Been there, done that.
Max: He's talking about the movie, Howard, not the snack bar.