100 Best Loretta Swit Quotes

Margaret: They love you, Frank!
Frank: It was their hatred that fooled me.

Hawkeye: [He's just given Radar a long list of orders] Go!
Margaret: [Upset that Hawkeye is giving orders] Stay!
Corporal: She outranks you. She's got more things on her uniform.
Hawkeye: She's got more things *in* her uniform, but *go*.

Frank: [thinks he is dying and going to heaven] Margaret, if I should go before you, look for me when you get there. I'll be waiting for you on the other side.
Margaret: Frank... darling.
Frank: But, if I'm standing by my wife, pretend you don't know me.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: I know my job! I didn't get to be major by just sitting on my duff.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, somebody did.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [about a patient in O.R] You can do this, Major.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: I'm not sterile.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Congratulations.

Margaret: Act like a man, you sniveling twerp!

Margaret: [very drunk] Oh. Corporal. I wonder if I can see Colonel Blake?
[She looks around, confused, then jogs away]
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I wonder if you can, too.
[Margaret drunkenly jogs up to Hawkeye, Trapper, and Henry Blake, stopping directly in front of Henry]
Margaret: [saluting] Major Margon Houlihat reporting for duty, sir.
Henry: Aw boy, drunk as a skunk.
Trapper: She's tanked.
Hawkeye: A fine time to make a drinking debut.
Margaret: Where are the casualties, sir?
Henry: Now, just hold your horses. They're not even here yet.
Margaret: Well, then, let's go get 'em, sir. I'll drive!
[Hawkeye and Trapper laugh]
Henry: Major? Major, dear, you're drunk.
Margaret: Oh, I'm not so think as you drunk I am!
[Hawkeye and Trapper laugh some more]
Henry: Uh, you'd better go to your tent, Major.
Margaret: I can't operate in my tent!
Trapper: [still laughing] You're doing okay so far!
Margaret: Aah, go salute yourself!

Margaret: Henry Blake is a sham commander, a farcical administrator, and a spineless, irresponsible, lecherous old beanbag.
Hawkeye: Margaret, we're not going to get anywhere if you keep holding back!
Margaret: My report is going to General Mitchell!
Hawkeye: Ah come on, reconsider. Henry's less than perfect, but we are a team!
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Yeah, it's just that he's been in one too many scrimmages without his helmet.

Maj. Frank Burns: Margret, you've been drinking.
Margaret: Correction, I *am* drinking.
Maj. Frank Burns: Margret! That's liquor!
Margaret: Right, Rev. Davidson.

Margaret: Major Burns has decided to make out his will. Will you listen, Father?
Father: Gracious, I didn't even know he was dying.
Margaret: Oh, he isn't. No. Just a precautionary measure.
Father: Oh. But he does have the fever and a person is supposed to be of sound mind.
Frank: Oh, it's okay, Father. I don't think my mind was any sounder when I was well.
Margaret: Call if you need anything, Major.
Father: Uh, are you sure you feel up to this, Frank?
Frank: The only thing I really feel up to is dying.
Father: I see. Well, uh, if you're ready.
Frank: My car, my house, all the money I buried in my backyard, goes to the only woman who ever really cared, ever really understood - my wife, Louise. She'll have to thaw out the map, it's inside some ground chuck in the basement freezer. My savings account passbook number is in the same bottle as my appendix.
Father: Appendix. Hmm. A-Anything else?
Frank: For my children, all profits from my prescription kickbacks.
Father: Oh, dear.
Frank: These are recorded in my red ledger, not the blue one that I show to the government. And finally, to Major Margaret Houlihan, my friend, my comrade, my little soldier, I leave all my clothes.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [Frank's not involved in the complaint because he didn't sign] Why didn't you let him sign?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Let him? We begged him to! We begged him to do the right thing.

Major: [giddy] My investments are beginning to pay off. Before long, my ship will be coming in to Easy Street.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Mrs. Frank Burns.
Major: [panicked] Where?
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: I was just trying it out for size.
Major: Beg your pardon?
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Well you always said, Frank, if ever you were rich enough, you'd think about getting a divorce.
Major: Now, hold it. Just a minute, fella. Nobody said I was rich. I said I was doing well.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: What's the difference between rich and well, Frank?
Major: Well... well is okay, but to be rich, you've got to be a lot weller than only well. I mean no matter how swell well is.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Frank? Frank, you're double-talking. I can always tell. Your upper lip disappears.

Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Where's Frank, Margaret? Still trying to call home?
Major: There's a crisis.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Hurricane named Louise.
Captain: I'd love to tap into that conversation.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: I'd love to be a mouse with earphones.
Major: Oh you'd just love to see me squirm, wouldn't you?
Captain: Can I slip into something comfy first?

Hawkeye: Good evening. Thank you all for coming. I trust you will forgive me for disturbing you at this late hour, but the time has come to unmask the guilty party - the perpetrator of this bad practical joke.
Frank: We know who the guilty party is.
[to Henry]
Frank: Why do you let him ...
Hawkeye: Contain yourself, Dr. Burns! Remember the old adage: "Methinks he doth protest too much."
Frank: Who does he think he is?
Trapper: The Thin Man?
Hawkeye: You dislike me enough to wish me transferred to another base - preferably an enemy base. But let us not forget Major Houlihan. Tough, ambitious, yet greasy Major Houlihan. Why think of only one culprit? Why not a pair of sweethearts in crime?
Margaret: You are sick!
Hawkeye: Still, another colleague resents me because of his consistent losses at the gaming tables.
Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones: The man's a fruitcake!
Hawkeye: And yet you, Lieutenant, also had a motive of jealousy, because I share my affections among the ladies.
Lt. Barbara Bannerman: You told me I was the only one - !
Hawkeye: Ha! Of course, my legendary prowess among the fairer sex was cause for envy on the part of... Dr. McIntyre!
Trapper: Legendary? I've seen you strike out in a geisha house.
Hawkeye: Still, we must remember that the thefts were committed in several places, indicating that the thief had access to the various tents and was perhaps short enough to go unnoticed. There is only one man here short enough to bathe in his own helmet. Right, Radar?
Radar: Me? I'm not short!
Hawkeye: [chuckles] Let us not overlook the possibility of a mastermind who commands others to do his bidding, right, Henry?
Henry: [waking up] Uhh, sign what, Radar? I'm sorry, Pierce. Uh, it's going very well.
Hawkeye: A most perplexing riddle, calling for the most ingenious of solutions. Thus I made it publicly known that there were fingerprints to be found on the stolen articles, thereby tempting the criminal to repeat his crime, and retrieve his ill-gotten booty - or his ill-booten gotty. Which he has done! However, in so doing, he has exposed himself.
[Frank closes his robe]
Hawkeye: Because I took the precaution of treating the stolen articles with hydrochloric-alpha-terracin.
Trapper: What's hydrochloric-alpha-terracin?
Hawkeye: A chemical which is at this moment coloring the culprit's fingernails... blue.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: [while struggling to get out of the surgical gown and handcuffs that Trapper used to tie her to Frank] Colonel! Look at us!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: It does look pretty silly without the music.

Maj. Frank Burns: Did I tell you about the boxing?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: They didn't hit you?
Maj. Frank Burns: No. They crated me in my sleep.

Cho: [Frank and Hot Lips want a wooden bust of Colonel Potter carved] Hmm. Lotsa work. Two assistants. Electric light at night. Overtime. Hmm. Six bucks.
Maj. Frank Burns: [unsure] Well...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Frank, These people have no espect-ray unless you aggle-hay over the ice-pray.
Maj. Frank Burns: Five dollars.
Cho: Seven-fifty.
Maj. Frank Burns: Sold!
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [glares at Frank] Umb-day!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [angry about overlooked shrapnel on an xray] Frank, you can't just look around, you have to feel around.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: He does.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I mean during surgery.

Margaret: Frank, I'm in command now. I can get a lot of things changed, the way we want them.
Maj. Frank Burns: That's terrific, Louise.
Margaret: Louise? That's your wife.
Maj. Frank Burns: Where? Where?
Margaret: Frank, we're in Korea.
Maj. Frank Burns: Oh. Oh good. She'll never find us.

Major: [Margaret asks to borrow money from Frank] I just can't do it. It rubs against the grain. 'Neither a lender nor a borrower be.' Polonius.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: 'To give and not count the cost.' St. Ignatius Loyola.
Major: 'The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last throughout a whole lifetime... if not asked to lend money.' Mark Twain.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: 'Blow it out your ear!' Margaret Houlihan.

Frank: We were just, um... going over tomorrow's duty roster.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: The one on my desk?
Major: He means yesterday's duty roster tomorrow.

Margaret: Major Burns is being abused!
Henry: Cut that out, Frank.

[last lines]
Midge: I loved Joe. He never even looked at me. He only wanted the other ones, the pretty ones. They were no good for him. I had to protect him. I thought... I thought someday he'd turn around and-and say, "Thank you, Midge. It's you I love. I love you."

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [walking in on the giant mess that Frank has created in her tent] Frank! What are you doing?
Maj. Frank Burns: Huh?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: What are you doing?
Maj. Frank Burns: Uh... Have you got a pencil?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: A pencil?

[Everyone has just come out of a long OR session]
Margaret: [angrily] You're dismissed.
Hawkeye: Thanks, Mother. We've gotta get up early, anyway, and fix MacArthur's hernia.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: I think this entire unit should go on immediate red alert.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: That makes good sense. I would make it conditional, however.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: On what?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: On what does red alert mean?

Col. Potter: [first day in camp; reviewing officer files] Major Margaret Houlihan.
Margaret: Sir!
Col. Potter: Ten years, spotless record.
Margaret: Thank you, sir!
Col. Potter: Major Frank Burns.
Margaret: Just friends, sir.

Major: What's that?
Corporal: They're flowers, ma'am.
Major: I can see that, Corporal. I've been to the country.
Corporal: Well, the person who gave these to me said, "Give them to Major Houlihan, the most wonderful person in the whole camp."
Major: [Looking lovingly at the flowers] Anemones.
Corporal: Yeah, but he wants to be friends now.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: [Lyle Wesson is fed up with Frank's insulting of Hawkeye. He picks Frank up and starts spinning him around] Put him down! You can't twirl an officer!

Major: Frank, give them a direct order.
Hawkeye: Oh, do, Frank. We've never ignored one of those.

Major: Everybody thinks I'm so hard and tough and here I am crying like a baby! Do you mind?
Captain: No, it's the first soft water that's touched my body in a year.

Major: Frank, you stole that Colt.
Major: I Never
[pause]
Major: it's just that I appreciate guns...
Major: You lied to me Frank! That's worse than stealing!
Major: Well, I happen to think stealing is worse than lying.
Major: And *you* did both!
Major: So I ought-ta know!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You hear that?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: I don't hear anything.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Know what that "anything" is? Silence. The shelling stopped. It's all over.

Dr. Marcia Cates: Bruce, you remember Jervis Tetch.
Dr. Jervis Tetch: [shaking Bruce's hand] H-hello.
Bruce: Of course. I read your proposal on using microchips to enhance the brain's potential. Sounds intriguing.
Dr. Jervis Tetch: Actually, the prototype isn't quite ready yet.
Dr. Marcia Cates: Tetch, I think we owe our founder and employer, Mr. Wayne a little more than lame excuses.
Dr. Jervis Tetch: Sorry.
Bruce: That's all right, Dr. Cates. Mr. Tetch is a valued member of our research team. I'm sure we can spare him more time.
Dr. Jervis Tetch: As you say, Bruce.
Dr. Jervis Tetch: Thank you.
Dr. Marcia Cates: [to Tetch after Bruce leaves] You got off easy this time, Tetch. But heads could roll if you slip up again.

Margaret: [while Trapper and Hawkeye are holding her under the shower to sober her up] What are you doing?
Hawkeye: New surgical procedure. You have to scrub up from head to toe in your clothes.
Margaret: That's ridiculous! I like it!

Frank: [practicing reciting for upcoming film] "A group of brave men are at work in a make shift operating room struggling to save your sons and brothers while outside the dogs of war bark at the door of this sanctuary."
Trapper: [Hawkeye barks like a dog] Down, boy, down, down! Roll over. Jump through that.
Frank: "These are the saints in surgical garb, dedicated surgeons, all volunteers. Every red-blooded American knows, if he is wounded, he will be in the strong, capable hands of a Yankee Doodle Doctor."
Hawkeye,61836: A Yankee Doodle Doctor? Stuck a feather in his nurse and called her macaroni.
Frank: You didn't like it?
Hawkeye: Didn't like it? Let me count the ways.
Margaret: That's hardly a constructive criticism.
Hawkeye: Oh, you want a *constructive* criticism. You're right. How about, you stink! And so does this little movie show and Lieutenant Bricker.
Frank: Stinks? Oh, you, you...
Hawkeye: Who you calling a you-you?

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: It's very simple, Colonel. Either you ship Travis out or the major and I will simply have to go over your head.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Well, you've done that so many times, I've got athlete's scalp.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: What's the situation in here?
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Desperate, Colonel. No food, no ammunition.
Frank: Low on supplies, low on morale.
Hawkeye: But very high on panic.
Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Yeah, Frank's been a marvelous commandant.
Hawkeye: He's risen to a new low.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Put him down - you can't twirl an officer!

Major: [Throws a chair at Burns after she listens in on Burns' conversation with his wife] WAR HORSE? ARMY MULE?
Major: [Surprised] Margaret!
Major: STUFF IT!
Major: [Chases after Hot Lips] Margaret! Margaret, I had to say all those things. Try to understand!
Major: Leave me alone, you chinless chipmunk!
Major: [Grabbing Hot Lips' arm] Margaret, please!
Major: Remove your hand or I'll zap you with my knee!
Major: [Follows Hot Lips to her tent] Margaret! I had to lie. The stocks and the house are in her name!
[Hot Lips slams tent door in Burns' face]
Major: [Burns turns on the charm] Uh... Margaret, dear, why don't I bring over my can of Sterno, and we can have some hot totties and you can put on your new nighty.
Major: [Opens tent door and throws nighty in Burns' face] *YOU* put on my new nighty!

[Hot Lips and Frank enter The Swamp to find Trapper and Hawkeye dressed in gorilla suits]
Maj. Frank Burns: Pierce? McIntyre?
Captain: What is it, Frank?
Maj. Frank Burns: Take off those masks!
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Take off those suits!
Captain: We will if you will.
Maj. Frank Burns: Where did you get those costumes?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: What costumes?
Maj. Frank Burns: The costumes you're wearing!
Captain: These aren't costumes. We stopped shaving last month.

Margaret: Did either of you ever kiss Frank?
Trapper: Not me. How about you?
Hawkeye: I was hoping maybe this New Year's Eve.

Major: I'm going to lay down now because I'm very tired, and there better not be any hanky-panky.
Captain: I don't even have a hankie, and my pankie is in my other suit.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The shrapnel tore the back of the sigmoid colon!
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: That has to be it!
Maj. Frank Burns: Anybody could have missed that.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Thanks, Frank.

Margaret: I have to go now, Frank, but I'll be back.
Maj. Frank Burns: Goodbye, Nancy.
Margaret: Nancy?
Maj. Frank Burns: You're the best receptionist I ever had.
Margaret: Frank!
Maj. Frank Burns: Honestly, Louise, we had to work late.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Colonel Blake. Major Burns is here to volunteer for this extremely dangerous and patriotic mission.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Is that right, Frank?
Maj. Frank Burns: You heard me.

Hawkeye: I almost forgot. It's time to listen to my favorite Armed Forces soap opera, "Just Plain MacArthur."
[turns on tape recorder]
Frank: Soap operas now. You're deteriorating by the minute.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [recording] I'll be devastated without you, you know that.
Frank: [recording] I'll write you every day... faithfully!
Frank: "I'll write every day... faithfully." Listen to that drivel, that manure! You know, anyone who could listen to that...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [recording] Frank, you're crushing my 'mums.
Frank: Was that... that's... that's...
Hawkeye: That's right. Nurse Drivel and Dr. Manure!

Major: Must you bore everyone with that dull hometown news?

Margaret: What's that?
Hawkeye: Shot of B1. Get you back on your feet.
Margaret: And I didn't get you anything.

Maj. Frank Burns: [after seeing Hawkeye's slideshow showing compromising pictures of Hotlips and Gen. Clayton] Margaret!
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Uh... he's... just a, a, friend of the family!

Frank: [bombs heard in background] I hope we're giving it to 'em good, those little yellow reds.
Hawkeye: Frank, you better take two yellow reds and go to sleep.
Frank: Oh, you like getting shot at, Dr. Goody Two-Shoes?
Hawkeye: I just don't know why they're shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread, transplant the American Dream: freedom, achievement, hyperacidity, affluence, flatulence, technology, tension, the inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back. That's entertainment!
Frank: Pierce, you are certifiably insane.
Hawkeye: Gee, I can't understand why. Here I am, 20,000 miles from home working as an extra in a war movie with this guy's blood dripping into my boot. Nurse, you want to do something about that, or must I kiss you into submission?
Lt. Ginger Bayliss: Right away, doctor.
Hawkeye: That's not insane-making, Frank. Neither is bedding down every night with a flea circus, or eating food prepared by a cook who used to make box lunches for Kamikaze pilots, or getting so bored out my skull, I put on my dress uniform for a trip to the latrine!
Frank: Will you watch your language?
Margaret: There are nurses present.
Hawkeye: Oh, forgive me. I'd like to offer the nurses a blanket apology. Or even better, I'd like to offer them a blanket invitation.
Frank: Smut merchant.
Henry: Oh, pipe down, Burns.
Frank: Oh sure, always. You jump all over me, but he can say what he wants, and he gets away with it. Colonel's pet, that's what you are!
Hawkeye: I'll get you at recess!

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: That remark is beneath notice!
Hawkeye: Don't notice it.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: [Burns has lost control of the tank] Colonel, save us!
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Don't worry, Margaret. Watch an old cavalry hand at work.
[Gets into a jeep and attempts to block the tank's path]
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Burns! Stop! Pull over!
Maj. Frank Burns: [Panicking] Oh no, Colonel! Don't stop there! Move, please! Colonel! Move! Look out!
[Potter jumps out of the way and the tank crushes the jeep. Potter looks at the remains of the jeep and shoots it]

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: It's about Corporal Travis. Because of your orders, we're having to change his bed around the clock.
Captain: Well, you have my permission to move the clock.

Colonel: You can put a lid on this guessing game. As it happens, I know who our friend with the Messiah complex really is.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Oh, I knew you'd get to the bottom of this.
Colonel: All it takes is the right man with a shovel - who knows where to dig.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: I couldn't ask for a better man.
Major: Or a bigger shovel.

Hawkeye,62774: [singing 'The Caissons Go Rolling Along'] For it's hi, hi, hee in the hoo hoo ha ha hee.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Frank.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Yes dear?
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: For a moment there, you looked like you had a chin.

Major: [noticing Trapper is using Frank Burns' duffel bag as a punching bag] Just a minute, isn't that Frank's bag?
Trapper: I thought you were Frank's bag!

[Hawkeye and Trapper come upon Frank sprawled on the ground, with Margaret looking on nervously]
Hawkeye: What's the matter, Frank?
Maj. Frank Burns: It's my...
Margaret: His back. It's his back.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: How'd it happen?
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, I...
Margaret: [fibbing] Uh, he fell.
Margaret: [pointing] On his way to the shower.
Margaret: [pointing in another direction] He was coming from that direction.
Margaret: [and another] From his tent, I guess.
Margaret: [and another] Going in that direction.
Margaret: [pointing once more] The showers.
Hawkeye: And were you directing traffic at the time of the accident, officer?

Margaret: Roll up your sleeve.
Hawkeye: Uh-uh.
Margaret: What do you mean, "uh-uh"?
Hawkeye: I want mine in my tushie.
Margaret: What?
Hawkeye: Derrière, the back of my front, the fleshy part. I can't take pain, I can only give it.
Margaret: Alright, lower your trousers.
Hawkeye: I thought you'd never ask.

Hawkeye: Hi, dear. Having a tough day at the office?
Margaret: Just filling out the daily report.
Hawkeye: Add these.
[Hands her a stack of papers]
Hawkeye: Pints of blood used. Pints of blood needed. Progress of cases reports. And on page six, you'll find my resignation. If you skip every other word, you'll see it's also a suicide note.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: [Margaret falls onto her cot and jostles her pillow] There's pudding in the pillow!

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Frank, look! Hunnicutt's fresh out of residency. Stanford medical school. Wonderful qualifications!
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: And look at this, Tau Phi Epsilon.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Is that a very selective fraternity?
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Very! They *blackballed* me.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You know something, Major?
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: What's that?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're beautiful when you sweat.

Major: [Frank, concluding a phone call with Hot Lips from Henry's office, waits for her to hang up] Hang up, Frank.
Maj. Frank Burns: You hang up first.
Major: Oh, Frank, that's so high school!
Maj. Frank Burns: Let's count to three and then we'll hang up together.
Major: OK, you start.
Maj. Frank Burns: One.
Major: Two.
Hawkeye,61836: [from Radar's phone] Three!
Major: Get 'em Frank!

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: You're drunk!
Henry: Oh, that's a dirty lie! And I intend to press charges. The minute I'm sober.

Hawkeye: You know that little shot you gave me for the flu?
Margaret: Yes.
Hawkeye: Well it worked. I've got it.
Margaret: Are you sure?
Hawkeye: I've got enough nausea to light up the city of Toledo, okay? First I'm hot, then I'm cold, and my knees are in business for themselves. My tongue has gone cashmere, and I'd like to find an all night latrine that takes servicemen. Now, have I got the flu or am I just in love?
Margaret: Do you think you can operate?
Hawkeye: I've got to. What am I going to tell the casualties? To stop bleeding until I feel better?
[Hawkeye takes out the thermometer]
Margaret: I want to see if you've got fever.
Hawkeye: Believe me. I've got fever to burn.

Margaret: They've totally destroyed my authority with the nursing staff; they've made a mockery of my majority!
Hawkeye: What do you know, we're "major" mockers.

Maj. Frank Burns: What's this I hear about you performing a cirky on an infant?
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: That's elective surgery.
Maj. Frank Burns: Against regulations.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Pierce: So is groping in the x-ray room without leather aprons.

Margaret: I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but Frank Burns is a lipless wonder.

Frank: [Hawkeye has thrown Frank a surprise party to buy off Margaret] Pierce, Mclntyre, this is the happiest night of my life, buddies!
Hawkeye: You want to share the happiness, Frank?
Frank: With the whole world!
Hawkeye: Sign this.
[Hands him Klinger's Section 8 discharge papers]
Frank: Sure! What is it?
[reads papers]
Frank: Never! You're asking me to let a pervert out of the army?
Hawkeye: Oh, right, Frank. By all means, let's keep the perverts *in* the army.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Klinger's not a pervert!
Margaret: How do you know?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Because I'm one and he's never at the meetings!

Margaret: Colonel, I want a transfer.
Hawkeye: No transfers are issued until the camp comes to a full stop.
Trapper: And watch your step getting off.
Margaret: And these two are at the top of my list!
Hawkeye: Hey, we finished first and second.
Margaret: They've totally destroyed my authority with the nursing staff; they have made a mockery of my majority!
Hawkeye: What do you know? We're major mockers.
Henry: Simmer down, Pierce. That's an order.
Margaret: [scoffs] An order? Why don't you stop masquerading as a commanding officer? You're nothing but a spineless, mealymouthed, fly-fishing impostor!
Trapper: He's not an impostor.
Hawkeye: Right. He's a *genuine* spineless, mealymouthed fly-fisher.

Margaret: [in a huff] Where's Colonel Bubblehead?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Uh, he gave orders not to be disturbed.
Margaret: He already *is* disturbed!

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: We will now hear the minutes of the last meeting, Corporal.
Corporal: Uh, I didn't take any. I was the only one here. Excuse me. We do have the minutes for the meeting before the last meeting's minutes.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Read them, Corporal.
Corporal: Yes, ma'am.
[Clears throat]
Corporal: 'Minutes of the last monthly staff meeting, which was held six months ago. The motion was made that the officers of this unit hold a yearly reunion once a year after the war is over. The motion was defeated when it failed to receive even one vote. The meeting was soon declared a shambles right after Captain Mclntyre unscrewed Major Burns's clusters.'
Hawkeye: Ah, those were the days.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Aren't you gonna read your letter?
Corporal: Oh, I get sort of carsick when I read in bed. Would you, for me?
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Well, it's from a young lady. It might be intimate or personal.
Corporal: Oh, that's okay. I don't know anybody personally.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Well, all right, but rest assured, I won't listen to a word I read.

Major: You've been avoiding me, Margaret.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Actually, I've been ignoring you, Frank. I'll get around to avoiding you later.

Maj. Frank Burns: Well, yes, Colonel, I've, um, put in for the Purple Heart.
Henry: But according to your accident report, you tripped in the mud on the way to the shower.
Maj. Frank Burns: Yes.
Henry: Is that the way you want it announced at the award ceremony? Tripped in the mud on the way to the shower?
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, well, I, I...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Sir, this injury was sustained at a front-line unit. Technically that makes it battle-connected.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [entering] On that basis, we'll be handing out medals for social diseases.
Maj. Frank Burns: What are you doing here, Pierce?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, I have a stethoscope fetish. This is the only place I can wear one without attracting attention. Henry, you're not going to endorse this idiot's application, are you?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: That's Major to you, Captain!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Henry, you're not going to endorse this major idiot's application, are you?
Henry: Pierce, that's a decision I'll decide when I decide and make my, uh, uh, decision, and that will, uh, decide.

Margaret: I'm not so think as you drunk I am...

Maj. Frank Burns: [Frank knocks on Margaret's door and sees Hawkeye and Trapper] What's going on?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Nothing's going on, Frank. I just couldn't sleep.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: And we couldn't sleep.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: So we're all here not sleeping together.

[Henry Blake, Hawkeye and Trapper are watching a nudie flick in Henry's office]
Henry: Pretty good, huh?
Trapper: Not much story, but plenty of action.
Hawkeye: [leaning toward the screen] It can't be!
Henry: What?
Hawkeye: It is! It's Charlie Abrams's receptionist!
[He cackles gleefully]
Hawkeye: She looks a lot better in balloons than a uniform.
Margaret: [entering the office, immediately shocked] Colonel!
Henry: Whoops!
Margaret: That's the most vulgar, base thing I've ever seen!
Hawkeye: Well, Margaret, you can't come in in the middle.
Margaret: It's disgusting!
Hawkeye: The critics panned it, too, but we're trying to judge it on its own merits.

Margaret: Those two, they're ruining this war, for all of us!

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Flare your nostrils for me, Frank. I get so excited when you flare them.
Major: Margaret, I get so excited when you say "excited".

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Colonel, if we are overrun, may I remind you of your responsibility for the women of this command? What guarantee do we have concerning the violations of our bodies, the possibly numerous, multiple violations of our bodies by the enemy.
Hawkeye: What kind of guarantee do you want?

Margaret: [referring to Hawkeye and Trapper] Those two are ruining this war... for ALL of us!

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: General Kelly, I'd like you to meet our very fine head nurse, Major Houlihan and uh Major Burns, one of our finest surgeons, a real killer.
Lt. Gen. Robert 'Iron Guts' Kelly: Major.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: General.
Maj. Frank Burns: General.
Lt. Gen. Robert 'Iron Guts' Kelly: Major.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: And the General's aide, Colonel Wortman.
Colonel: Major.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Colonel.
Maj. Frank Burns: Colonel.
Colonel: Major.
Lt. Gen. Robert 'Iron Guts' Kelly: Colonel.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: General?
Lt. Gen. Robert 'Iron Guts' Kelly: No, no, my Colonel.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Oh, I'm sorry, General. I got it all brass backwards.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Colonel Blake?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Oh, Major Houlihan, Major Stoner...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Major.
Maj. Stoner: Major.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Major. Major Burns, Major Stoner...
Maj. Frank Burns: Major.
Maj. Stoner: Major.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Major Pierce...
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Major.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, I think we've made a major breakthrough here.

Margaret: If I didn't hate violence, I'd kick you.
Hawkeye: Would you? With high heels?

Hawkeye: [Hawkeye, Trapper and Margaret are drunk. Hawkeye sings] I wish there were a radio way up in heaven/So I could say hello to Mother every day.
Hot: I didn't know you could sing.
Hawkeye: Was I singing? I thought I was dancing.
[They all laugh]
Frank: What the devil's going on in here?
Trapper: Frank! Baby!
Hawkeye: [sings, followed by Trapper and Margaret] Come on in and take off your skin and rattle around in your bones!
Frank: Major Houlihan!
Hot: Whoop!
Frank: This really cuts me to the quick!
Hawkeye: That's quite all right. His quick could use some cutting!
Hawkeye,62774: [laughing]
Frank: Let me have that!
[sniffs flask]
Frank: Where did this liquor come from?
Hot: Shhhhh!
Hawkeye,61836: [almost in unison] Yeah, don't tell anybody.
Frank: As your commanding officer, I insist!
Hawkeye: Ok, ok, ok.
[Grabs Frank and pull him closer]
Hawkeye: You take eleven string beans, one onion, half a radish, and four banamas.
Trapper: [Grabs Frank's sleeve] Mix it up, and you... uh... let it soak for... uh... six weeks.
Hawkeye: Days.
Trapper: Days.
Hot: You'd better write this down, Frank.
Hawkeye: [Grabs Frank back] Then you look around and you find the tallest tree, and you hang the stuff in an emena bag, and you let it lay there for eighteen weeks...
Trapper: Days.
Hawkeye: Days.

Major: I did a terrible thing Margaret.
Major: Oh
[puts arm around Frank]
Major: It's alright now.
Major: I should have known better.
Major: Well, at least you regret it.
Major: No, never again. When you steal something, don't ever try to return it.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: [Frank is attempting to drive a tank. Margaret is running alongside] Frank! Can you see me? Are you in control?
Maj. Frank Burns: [Mesmerized by driving the tank] Boom, boom.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I'm gonna call regimental headquarters for immediate help.
Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Henry, we did. We're on our own till tomorrow.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: We can't just wait! We've gotta do something!
Frank: Anything!
Hawkeye: I agree with Frank. I think we should do anything.

Margaret: Colonel, I just wanted you to know that I was preparing my final report before I go, which I haven't done yet.
[she walks up to Henry's liquor cabinet and finds it locked]
Margaret: Uh, how do you get into this thing?
Henry: Is there something you want?
Margaret: I thought a little farewell drink - Major, Colonel.
Henry: Looks like you've already been dipping your bill. You sure you won't reconsider, major?
Margaret: No, I've thought it over, and I definitely would like another drink.
Henry: Okay. Scotch and water okay?
Margaret: That's fine. Oh, you can skip the water.
Henry: Oo-kay.
Margaret: [mimicking Henry] Oo-kay.
Henry: [pouring drinks] You know, Major, you're making a mistake. This outfit may be a bit of a booby hatch, but, uh, we do awful good work together.
Margaret: Yeah, I can't fight you there.
Henry: Cheers.
[they toast and drink]
Margaret: I need army discipline. I need a sense of order. Can't you understand that, Colonel?
Henry: Why don't you call me Henry, for Pete's sake?
Margaret: That's really swell of you, Pete.
Henry: [sitting down] Excuse me.
Margaret: Do you know that you look just like my father before he died?
Henry: Oh, uh, a lot of people have said that.
Margaret: [pouring another drink] It's funny how you only get to know people after they're gone. I feel real close to you right now.
Henry: Yeah, sure. Uh, that, uh, scotch you just poured is rye.
Margaret: That's okay. The champagne I just had was gin.

Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Sitting under a hair dryer. Frank Burns enters and bites Klinger on the neck] What are you doing?
Maj. Frank Burns: [Flustered] I was a...
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Agitated] Can't a guy have a wash and set without someone biting him on the neck?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [Enters tent] Biting who?
Maj. Frank Burns: [to Margaret] I was biting you.
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: No you weren't. You were biting me.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Klinger, what are you doing in here?
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Just borrowing a little of your shampoo, Major. It's wartime. We all gotta help each other.
Maj. Frank Burns: [Incensed] No we dont! You get out of here, you pervert!
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Accusing] Pervert? Who bit who, Major?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [to Klinger, pointing at the door] OUT!

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: This is completely against military regulations!
Maj. Frank Burns: Wholly unauthorized!
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: You've got some of my nurses in there.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'll rinse 'em off before I return them.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: I suppose you could run the war better than a five-star general?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: The Daily News only gave him four.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [Hawkeye is fitting people into a Jeep for a world record] Squeeze in, Major. We got plenty of room.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: This is completely beneath me.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I was hoping for that spot myself.

[last lines]
Frank: That's fascinating.
Margaret: Oh, it is, it is.
Father: Oh, yes, yes, very definitely. You see, it was after he returned to the garden that he discovered that three of his apostles were missing.
[all look at Hawkeye]
Hawkeye: Well, don't look at me, I didn't take 'em.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [speaking to the nurses] Alright, girls. Attention please. Now, I will give you the preliminary exam and then the doctors will go to work on you. Bear in mind that you are the cream of American military womanhood... serving your Uncle Sam, and entitled to dignity. No smart remarks, no insinuations, sex- or smut-wise. You are women, desirable women... most of you. But army regulations forbid any doctor to assist you from undressing into disrobement. Further, they can do nothing, NOTHING when you are alone with them but give you a good going over. Now, when I call your name, please scream.

Margaret: [Frank wants a war prisoner released to Colonel Flagg. A doctor must sign to release the prisoner; Frank and Margaret are goading Hawkeye and Trapper into signing the release] Frank, *you* can sign for it! You're a doctor!
Frank: Hey, that's right! I *am* a doctor!
Hawkeye: Your secret is safe with us, Frank.
Trapper: His *patients* are definitely never going to find out.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Klinger, it's nothing. It's just a scratch.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: There it goes. My whole life is passing in front of me. Ma! Pa!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Have we got the right shoulder?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Laverne, good-bye.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Klinger.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: So long, Harry, Freida, Paul. Oh, oh, I'm coming, Uncle Jake.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Klinger, you're all right.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Was the gun loaded?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: The lights are fading. I'm too young. No, no!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Could you at least bleed?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: What is the matter with you?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He's molting.