Top 50 Quotes From Col. Sherman T. Potter

Klinger: [Klinger enters Potter's office with a giant salami in one hand, and a giant loaf of bread in the other] 50 more pounds, and I'm homeward-bound!
Col. Potter: You're going to *eat* you way to a discharge?
Klinger: I call it "Food for Freedom"!
Col. Potter: I call it "Suicide by Salami"!
Klinger: I'll take my chances!
Col. Potter: Okay, when you can't get through that door, come see me.
Klinger: I'll be wearing a size 30, sir.

Col. Potter: [Col. Potter is drinking with Hawkeye and BJ] I had a 'still on Guam in WW2. One night it blew up! That's how I got my Purple Heart...

Major: Is my call through to Indiana yet?
Corporal: Not right now sir, I've got another call going through to Ohio.
Major: Don't give *me* any of your snottiness! I'm not that old dimwit you work for!
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: The Ohio call's mine, Major.
Major: [laughing nervously] Sir... I... uh... just a little joke with Radar.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: I'd watch that dimwit talk, Burns. Your bulb's been out since I met you.

Col. Potter: To Harry Truman!
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: To Bess Truman. To Margaret Truman!
Hawkeye: To err is Truman

[about Hawkeye and BJ]
Col. Potter: Please excuse these two, they're themselves today.

Col. Sherman T. Potter: [reading from an Army manual, to three visiting Korean orphans] You sure you want more of this story? You really don't understand. You want more?
[the children show their full attention]
Col. Sherman T. Potter: You do want more. Okay. Here we go.
[In a singsong, storyteller voice]
Col. Sherman T. Potter: "Field stripping, cleaning and routine maintenance of Garand rifles, Section 22! Repeated disassembly and assembly causes excessive wear of parts and will eventually reduce the accuracy of the weapon. See Figure 57." Oh! Pictures and everything.
[shows the pictures]
Col. Sherman T. Potter: "To disassemble piece into above groups place butt against left thigh, sights to the left. With thumb and forefinger of right hand, pull downward and outward on rear of trigger guard. Swing trigger guard out as far as it will go and remove trigger housing assembly."
[the children have fallen asleep. He tucks them in]
Col. Sherman T. Potter: And so they lived happily ever after.

Jenkins: Halt! Who goes there?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: It's the colonel!
Jenkins: [stands down] Oh, sorry. Go ahead.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Don't you wanna know the password?
Jenkins: I already know it, sir.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: You're trembling, son. Are you scared?
Jenkins: No, sir. Just cold, sir.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: If you had any brains you'd be scared.

Col. Sherman T. Potter: Are you married, Radar?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: No sir. I'm just a kid.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: When you get back home, you ought to find yourself a nice girl.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh first I want to get a '46 Chevy.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I've had 27 wonderful years with Mrs. Potter
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yes sir.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Can't get that kind of mileage out of a Chevy.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh I never ride the clutch, sir.

Col. Potter: What's wrong, Radar?
Radar: I don't know, sir, she won't start.
Frank: Oh swell. We can't go forward and we can't go back.
Hawkeye: It's a sign from heaven. The war's over!
B.J.: Now, what?
Hawkeye: We burn our uniforms, go home, get married and breed a new batch of draftees for the next one.
B.J.: Hear, hear.
Col. Potter: Let's finish this one first, shall we?

Col. Potter: The General answers his own phone. Must be a Unitarian.

Col. Potter: I learned about foot care in World War I from Captain Harry S Truman, no less. He had a great pair of feet.
Hawkeye: Imprints of which may be found on General MacArthur's backside.

Col. Potter: I've been in worse spots.
Hawkeye: Have you ever tried getting dressed quietly in a dark closet with a pocket full of change?

Col. Potter: Anybody got a compass?
B.J.: I got a neat one in San Francisco.
Col. Potter: [Frank tests the wind currents] What are you doing?
Frank: The breeze is coming from that direction.
Col. Potter: Thank you. Now all we have to do is trade the bus for an airplane.

Col. Potter: Horse hockey. I've seen these dodges for forty years, all the tricks. I knew one private said he was a mare, carried a colt in his arms for weeks. Another fella said he was a daisy, insisted we water him every morning. No, corporal, it ain't gonna go with me. Now you get out of that fru-fru and into a uniform and you STAY in uniform. Dismissed!
Klinger: [to Radar who has just walked in] Radar, I'm finished! I gotta burn my bloomers!

[Describing Frank and Hot Lips in a letter to his wife]
Col. Potter: She's the head nurse. He's the head twerp.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Colonel, about the sniper...
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I'm working at my desk, and Radar is scared.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Do something about it.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I can work twice as hard; Radar can you be twice as scared?

Col. Potter: [Potter, Hawkeye & BJ are drinking in the Swamp] Y'know, I had a still, on Guam. One night, it blew up!
[leans forward conspiratorially]
Col. Potter: That's how I got my Purple Heart.

Col. Potter: [Frank is guarding a POW] If you don't accidentally shoot yourself first, I'll relieve you in two hours. If you do, I'll relieve you earlier. That's it, let's get some kip.

Col. Potter: Klinger, nice outfit.
Klinger: Thank you, sir. It's from the Shirley Temple collection.

Captain B.J. Hunnicut: [the officers are discussing the fever epidemic] Any news from the lab in Seoul?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Father Mulcahy is down there now on R&R.
Captain: Rest and resurrection.

Col. Sherman T. Potter: How 'bout V.D. Films, Radar? Is the one we've got adequate?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: I don't know, sir. Every time it's shown, I faint.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Must be okay then. Why don't we order "Trench Foot Through the Ages" and "The Bleeding Gum Story"? That'll make a good double feature.

Col. Potter: [Radar and Frank come running up] Burns?
Frank: Ah, sighted nothing. Reporting same.
Col. Potter: A simple "crapped out" will be sufficient, Major.

Frank: She was really warm for my form.
Col. Potter: And did you oblige?
Frank: I couldn't.
Col. Potter: Creep.
Frank: I wanted to save myself for Miss Right.
B.J.: Miss Right?
Hawkeye: Orville and Wilbur's sister. She invented the first airplane stewardess.

Father: Colonel, an ambulance has turned over in the compound, you better come on the double.
Col. Potter: Anybody hurt?
Father: Well, the driver's a bit shaken-up, but he'll be all right.
Col. Potter: No-one else inside?
Father: No.
Col. Potter: Thank God.
Father: I already did.

Col. Sherman T. Potter: [Dictating a letter] I realize supply requisitions in this area are difficult to fill but the situation has been getting steadily worse. We order rectal thermometers, we get spark plugs. Both useful articles, but hardly interchangeable. Get with it, Supply.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Sir, do you want one or two exclamation points after that?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Make it three.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Boy, you really are mad.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Kindness don't feed the bulldog.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter: City General... that's where my son was born. 1926. My wife went into labor the minute she heard Valentino died.
Corporal: Gee, I hope she's better now, sir.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Coming along.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: [Burns has lost control of the tank] Colonel, save us!
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Don't worry, Margaret. Watch an old cavalry hand at work.
[Gets into a jeep and attempts to block the tank's path]
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Burns! Stop! Pull over!
Maj. Frank Burns: [Panicking] Oh no, Colonel! Don't stop there! Move, please! Colonel! Move! Look out!
[Potter jumps out of the way and the tank crushes the jeep. Potter looks at the remains of the jeep and shoots it]

Radar: [Radar is sunning himself. Colonel Potter arrives and honks] Stick that horn in your ear!
Col. Potter: On your feet, I'm Colonel Potter.

Col. Potter: Hawkeye, we're none of us going wandering around out there. Unacceptable procedure. Also stupid. I won't have it. We can't look for him until it gets light out.
Frank: [Hawkeye angrily kicks front of the bus, startling Burns awake] Oh!
Col. Potter: Easy, Burns.
Hawkeye: [Frank holds a gun] Put that thing away. Cochise is gone. We formed the bus into a circle.
Frank: Is he back yet?
B.J.: No, not yet.
Frank: No, huh?
Hawkeye: No, huh. That's right, huh.

Col. Potter: [meeting Hawkeye for the first time after reviewing his personnel file] I take it you drink?
Hawkeye: Only to excess.

Frank: He's probably booby trapped. 'Could go off in our faces.
Col. Potter: Burns, don't start going on about going off. Let's get him inside.
Hawkeye: You may be right, Frank. I think what he's done is he's cut a gash in his leg, inserted a grenade, and disguised it with his own blood.
Frank: Boy are they clever.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [lecturing Klinger] None of us wants to be here. I don't wanna be here. Radar doesn't want to be here. The doctors, the nurses. Certainly the wounded don't want to be here. But we've got to do our best. Understand, son?
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: I'm trying.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Then get your butt in high gear and get back to work!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: That your last offer?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: You got it! Out!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Yes, sir.
[Klinger exits, as Major Burns enters]
Maj. Frank Burns: Colonel, can I see you?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Do I have a choice?
Maj. Frank Burns: It's about Captain Pierce.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: He sew up your fly again?
Maj. Frank Burns: No, sir.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: He spit at you?
Maj. Frank Burns: He's stuffing a bunch of personnel into a jeep! Something about setting a world's record.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Chuckles] He's a pistol. Burns, can't you see Pierce is just trying to boost morale?
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, my morale is fine. I love it here.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Stares at Burns] Either you or Klinger is nuts. Now I've got to figure out which one.

B.J.: [about Radar] I think it's agreed we all like him.
Col. Potter: Except whoever wrote me anonymously that Radar was selling tickets to the hole in the nurse's shower.
Frank: It wasn't me.
Col. Potter: Why would I think it was you?
Frank: Because I know people think that that's just the kind of thing I might do.
Col. Potter: Well why did you do it?
Frank: Because I felt is was my duty.
Col. Potter: I thought you said you didn't do it.
Frank: ...I thought I did too.

Col. Potter: [first day in camp; reviewing officer files] Major Margaret Houlihan.
Margaret: Sir!
Col. Potter: Ten years, spotless record.
Margaret: Thank you, sir!
Col. Potter: Major Frank Burns.
Margaret: Just friends, sir.

Klinger: Colonel Potter, sir; Corporal Klinger. I'm section eight, Head to toe. I'm wearing a Warner bra. I like to play with dolls. My last wish is to be buried in my mother's wedding gown. I'm nuts. I should be out.
Col. Potter: Horse-hockey.

Colonel: Colonel.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Colonel?
Colonel: When can I have him? Give me a medical decision now. The last C.O. they had here couldn't make a decision without a month's warning.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: I'm not fond of personal abuse, Colonel. I was in this man's army when the only thumb you cared about was the one you had in your mouth.

Col. Sherman T. Potter: [considering Klinger's leave request] I've got a soft spot for Klinger. He looks a little like my son. And he dresses a lot like my wife.

Col. Potter: All right, all right, that settles it. We've finally run out of food, water...
[looks at Frank Burns]
Col. Potter: and brains. We gotta get out of here, which means walking. So... we walk.
[the bus engine starts]
B.J.: I wish I knew how to say thanks.
[they all pile into the bus]
Col. Potter: [to the POW who fixed the bus] Mighty grateful for this, old man.
Frank: Get out of my seat, Pierce.
Hawkeye: Oh, shut your gob, Frank.
Col. Potter: Nick of time. I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. May the First Cavalry forgive me.

Frank: [into walkie talkie] There is a fighter plane approaching. And, um, when I say "Now", the jet will be directly over my head.
[the jet whooshes overhead]
Frank: Now!
B.J.: Frank, that thing is a thousand feet up going 500 miles an hour.
Hawkeye: By the time you said 'now', the plane was in its hangar and the pilot was in his jammies.
Frank: I was just trying to help!
Col. Potter: Stop trying. That should help right off.

[at Hawkeye's wake]
B.J.: For he was a jolly good fellow.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: He was a jolly good fellow.
Everyone: He was a jolly good fellow.
Hawkeye: I was much too young to die.

Col. Potter: [Wondering about the name] Why "Radar"?
Radar: Well, uh, sometimes I can tell what's gonna happen before it happens.

B.J.: [Hawkeye and B.J. had walked into the woods to try and find civilization] Just woods and more woods.
Hawkeye: I met a little girl with a basket for her grandma.
B.J.: Wearing a red riding hood?
Hawkeye: Actually she was with seven little dwarfs.
B.J.: She's in the wrong woods.
Hawkeye: Or the wrong story.
Col. Potter: Are you finished, doctors?
Hawkeye: Are you...?
[B.J. nods]
Hawkeye: Yeah.
[Nods]

Col. Sherman T. Potter: Oh come on, guys, no horsin' around now. What have you done with Burns?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: We did what you said.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Showed him a good time, right?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Right.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: He's disappeared!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: It's his way of saying "thank you".

Colonel Sherman T. Potter: I'll be grateful to you, Colonel, if you'd clear this matter up.
Hawkeye: Without taking hostages, if possible.
[Turns to BJ]
Hawkeye: Colonel Flagg's over here to keep us all safe from democracy.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Can it, Pierce.
Colonel: Still a cutie-pie, ain't you.
Hawkeye: Well, some guys have got it.

Col. Potter: So in the dead of night, you decide to go off half-cocked and get help?
Radar: Well, gee, sir, since I got us lost and I broke the bus, I figured I didn't need your half-cocked permission.

Col. Potter: [Frank Burns has an assault rifle trained on a POW] Burns?
Frank: Sir?
Col. Potter: Didn't I see your picture in the post office? I wonder if he saw Radar out there.
Frank: That's right. You could be giving aid to someone who killed one of our own boys. I don't mean Radar, I'm sure he's alright. Er... Reasonably sure.
B.J.: Frank, keep putting your foot in your mouth and you're going to wind up with athlete's tongue.

Frank: You get in the driver's seat. When I tell you to turn her over, turn her over. Roger?
Radar: Roger, Wilco.
Col. Potter: Do you know anything about engines, Major?
Frank: Oh, I took a lot of shop in high school.
Hawkeye: I wouldn't take shop from anyone.

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Sir, if it'll help, I'll take his place. Just give me some sandwiches and drill a few holes in the coffin.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Out!
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Yes sir.

Maj. Frank Burns: [handing a martini glass to BJ] Can I have another lemon squash?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Coming up, Tex.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Best keep your wits about you, Major.
Maj. Frank Burns: Oh, don't worry about me, sir. I got a hollow head.

Col. Potter: What are you beating your gums about, Major?
Frank: Well, Colonel, I don't think you appreciate the true nature of our situation, um, gravity-wise speaking.
Col. Potter: Unless I'm mistaken, we're lost, we can't move, we have no food or water, no blankets, no communications, night is falling, we may be right now in enemy territory. An enemy that would think nothing of giving us bamboo manicures up to our knuckles. Followed by boiling egg drop colonics. Does that sound like the proper appreciation, Major?
Frank: Pretty much, sir.