50 Best Harry Morgan Quotes

[Describing Frank and Hot Lips in a letter to his wife]
Col. Potter: She's the head nurse. He's the head twerp.

[at Hawkeye's wake]
B.J.: For he was a jolly good fellow.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: He was a jolly good fellow.
Everyone: He was a jolly good fellow.
Hawkeye: I was much too young to die.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: This is my company clerk, Corporal O'Reilly.
Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: The Irish were rotten Indian fighters! Noncoms, the backbone of the service. Where are you from, son?
Radar: Iowa, sir.
Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: No talking in ranks!

Col. Sherman T. Potter: Are you married, Radar?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: No sir. I'm just a kid.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: When you get back home, you ought to find yourself a nice girl.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh first I want to get a '46 Chevy.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I've had 27 wonderful years with Mrs. Potter
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yes sir.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Can't get that kind of mileage out of a Chevy.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh I never ride the clutch, sir.

Frank: He's probably booby trapped. 'Could go off in our faces.
Col. Potter: Burns, don't start going on about going off. Let's get him inside.
Hawkeye: You may be right, Frank. I think what he's done is he's cut a gash in his leg, inserted a grenade, and disguised it with his own blood.
Frank: Boy are they clever.

Col. Potter: [Wondering about the name] Why "Radar"?
Radar: Well, uh, sometimes I can tell what's gonna happen before it happens.

Frank: I love it here.
Col. Potter: Either you or Klinger is nuts. Now I have to figure out which one.

Col. Sherman T. Potter: [considering Klinger's leave request] I've got a soft spot for Klinger. He looks a little like my son. And he dresses a lot like my wife.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Colonel, about the sniper...
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I'm working at my desk, and Radar is scared.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Do something about it.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I can work twice as hard; Radar can you be twice as scared?

Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: [off camera; probably pointing to the Swamp] What's that over there Colonel?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Officer's quarters, sir.
Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: And there?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [proudly] That's our four-place latrine, sir.
Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: Good thinking. The men can encourage each other.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Camaraderie.
Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: Precisely!

Colonel Sherman T. Potter: I'll be grateful to you, Colonel, if you'd clear this matter up.
Hawkeye: Without taking hostages, if possible.
[Turns to BJ]
Hawkeye: Colonel Flagg's over here to keep us all safe from democracy.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Can it, Pierce.
Colonel: Still a cutie-pie, ain't you.
Hawkeye: Well, some guys have got it.

Col. Potter: [first day in camp; reviewing officer files] Major Margaret Houlihan.
Margaret: Sir!
Col. Potter: Ten years, spotless record.
Margaret: Thank you, sir!
Col. Potter: Major Frank Burns.
Margaret: Just friends, sir.

B.J.: [Hawkeye and B.J. had walked into the woods to try and find civilization] Just woods and more woods.
Hawkeye: I met a little girl with a basket for her grandma.
B.J.: Wearing a red riding hood?
Hawkeye: Actually she was with seven little dwarfs.
B.J.: She's in the wrong woods.
Hawkeye: Or the wrong story.
Col. Potter: Are you finished, doctors?
Hawkeye: Are you...?
[B.J. nods]
Hawkeye: Yeah.
[Nods]

Captain: [after waking Capt. Gannon and briefing him in the middle of the night] Friday, do you have any idea what time it is?
Joe: Yes sir.
[looks at his watch]
Pep: Oh, don't ask him that, Captain.
Joe: It's 4:27am, sir.
Pep: He lives for that. It's in his blood.

Col. Potter: [meeting Hawkeye for the first time after reviewing his personnel file] I take it you drink?
Hawkeye: Only to excess.

Col. Potter: [Radar and Frank come running up] Burns?
Frank: Ah, sighted nothing. Reporting same.
Col. Potter: A simple "crapped out" will be sufficient, Major.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [lecturing Klinger] None of us wants to be here. I don't wanna be here. Radar doesn't want to be here. The doctors, the nurses. Certainly the wounded don't want to be here. But we've got to do our best. Understand, son?
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: I'm trying.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Then get your butt in high gear and get back to work!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: That your last offer?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: You got it! Out!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Yes, sir.
[Klinger exits, as Major Burns enters]
Maj. Frank Burns: Colonel, can I see you?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Do I have a choice?
Maj. Frank Burns: It's about Captain Pierce.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: He sew up your fly again?
Maj. Frank Burns: No, sir.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: He spit at you?
Maj. Frank Burns: He's stuffing a bunch of personnel into a jeep! Something about setting a world's record.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Chuckles] He's a pistol. Burns, can't you see Pierce is just trying to boost morale?
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, my morale is fine. I love it here.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Stares at Burns] Either you or Klinger is nuts. Now I've got to figure out which one.

Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: [referring to an earlier remark Blake had made about his mother's canary] Canary had bronchitis, eh?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: He didn't die of it, though; he fell off his little swing and smashed his bill.
Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: Good. I hate birds.

Jenkins: Halt! Who goes there?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: It's the colonel!
Jenkins: [stands down] Oh, sorry. Go ahead.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Don't you wanna know the password?
Jenkins: I already know it, sir.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: You're trembling, son. Are you scared?
Jenkins: No, sir. Just cold, sir.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: If you had any brains you'd be scared.

Frank: [into walkie talkie] There is a fighter plane approaching. And, um, when I say "Now", the jet will be directly over my head.
[the jet whooshes overhead]
Frank: Now!
B.J.: Frank, that thing is a thousand feet up going 500 miles an hour.
Hawkeye: By the time you said 'now', the plane was in its hangar and the pilot was in his jammies.
Frank: I was just trying to help!
Col. Potter: Stop trying. That should help right off.

Col. Potter: [Frank Burns has an assault rifle trained on a POW] Burns?
Frank: Sir?
Col. Potter: Didn't I see your picture in the post office? I wonder if he saw Radar out there.
Frank: That's right. You could be giving aid to someone who killed one of our own boys. I don't mean Radar, I'm sure he's alright. Er... Reasonably sure.
B.J.: Frank, keep putting your foot in your mouth and you're going to wind up with athlete's tongue.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [after Klinger is brought in by MP's dressed as a Korean peasant girl] What's the big idea, Klinger?
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: [looks up] How'd you know?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Korean women are not noted for hairy knuckles!

Capt. Pratt: In your case, we'll submit to Quartermaster a request to rescind the Certificate of Death on T.A. Form 10-stroke-249 in triplicate, accompanied by an SF88-stroke-1107, signed by three officers of equal or higher rank, followed by a personal written report on Form 63-stroke-EBY by a ranking officer who actually saw the deceased not die - uh, in triplicate.
Hawkeye: What does all this come to when you boil it down?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: That is boiled down.

Col. Sherman T. Potter: [tearfully accepts Radar's gift of a horse, then slips on something]
Maj. Frank Burns: That's disgusting!
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Son, to me that's a tip-toe through the tulips.
[big smile]

Col. Potter: What are you beating your gums about, Major?
Frank: Well, Colonel, I don't think you appreciate the true nature of our situation, um, gravity-wise speaking.
Col. Potter: Unless I'm mistaken, we're lost, we can't move, we have no food or water, no blankets, no communications, night is falling, we may be right now in enemy territory. An enemy that would think nothing of giving us bamboo manicures up to our knuckles. Followed by boiling egg drop colonics. Does that sound like the proper appreciation, Major?
Frank: Pretty much, sir.

Captain: Frank won't be coming into work today Joe.
Friday: 24 hour virus?
Captain: Or tomorrow.
Friday: 48 hour?
Captain: Frank quit, moved to Ukiah, bought a goat farm...

Col. Potter: What's wrong, Radar?
Radar: I don't know, sir, she won't start.
Frank: Oh swell. We can't go forward and we can't go back.
Hawkeye: It's a sign from heaven. The war's over!
B.J.: Now, what?
Hawkeye: We burn our uniforms, go home, get married and breed a new batch of draftees for the next one.
B.J.: Hear, hear.
Col. Potter: Let's finish this one first, shall we?

Col. Potter: To Harry Truman!
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: To Bess Truman. To Margaret Truman!
Hawkeye: To err is Truman

Col. Potter: [Potter, Hawkeye & BJ are drinking in the Swamp] Y'know, I had a still, on Guam. One night, it blew up!
[leans forward conspiratorially]
Col. Potter: That's how I got my Purple Heart.

Col. Potter: [Frank is guarding a POW] If you don't accidentally shoot yourself first, I'll relieve you in two hours. If you do, I'll relieve you earlier. That's it, let's get some kip.

Col. Sherman T. Potter: [reading from an Army manual, to three visiting Korean orphans] You sure you want more of this story? You really don't understand. You want more?
[the children show their full attention]
Col. Sherman T. Potter: You do want more. Okay. Here we go.
[In a singsong, storyteller voice]
Col. Sherman T. Potter: "Field stripping, cleaning and routine maintenance of Garand rifles, Section 22! Repeated disassembly and assembly causes excessive wear of parts and will eventually reduce the accuracy of the weapon. See Figure 57." Oh! Pictures and everything.
[shows the pictures]
Col. Sherman T. Potter: "To disassemble piece into above groups place butt against left thigh, sights to the left. With thumb and forefinger of right hand, pull downward and outward on rear of trigger guard. Swing trigger guard out as far as it will go and remove trigger housing assembly."
[the children have fallen asleep. He tucks them in]
Col. Sherman T. Potter: And so they lived happily ever after.

[about Hawkeye and BJ]
Col. Potter: Please excuse these two, they're themselves today.

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Sir, if it'll help, I'll take his place. Just give me some sandwiches and drill a few holes in the coffin.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Out!
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Yes sir.

Col. Potter: [their bus has broken down in the middle of nowhere] At least if it was a horse, we could shoot it.
Frank: Fine leadership.
B.J.: What would you do?
Frank: If this unit were still under my command, you'd soon find out.
B.J.: I spent a week with you in command, Frank. You lost me when you rigged the toilet seats to rise to attention.
Frank: Only for inspection.

[Friday's car was stolen]
Friday: With the exception of you and canned cling peaches I'd be hard pressed to find anyone or anything that doesn't know you should never leave your car keys in the ignition.
Pep: It's called a mistake, Friday, but I don't suppose you ever make any of those, do you?
Captain: Friday, Streebeck, we got another one. Chemical train hijack down at the freight yards. Damn Pagans must be living on No-Doz!
Friday: Yessir, Captain. We'll roll as soon as we requisition a new...
Captain: Oh, one more thing. Police and fire departments all over the county have been reporting vehicles stolen. So keep an eye on your car!

Col. Potter: Klinger, nice outfit.
Klinger: Thank you, sir. It's from the Shirley Temple collection.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: [Burns has lost control of the tank] Colonel, save us!
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Don't worry, Margaret. Watch an old cavalry hand at work.
[Gets into a jeep and attempts to block the tank's path]
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Burns! Stop! Pull over!
Maj. Frank Burns: [Panicking] Oh no, Colonel! Don't stop there! Move, please! Colonel! Move! Look out!
[Potter jumps out of the way and the tank crushes the jeep. Potter looks at the remains of the jeep and shoots it]

Col. Potter: Horse hockey. I've seen these dodges for forty years, all the tricks. I knew one private said he was a mare, carried a colt in his arms for weeks. Another fella said he was a daisy, insisted we water him every morning. No, corporal, it ain't gonna go with me. Now you get out of that fru-fru and into a uniform and you STAY in uniform. Dismissed!
Klinger: [to Radar who has just walked in] Radar, I'm finished! I gotta burn my bloomers!

Klinger: [Klinger enters Potter's office with a giant salami in one hand, and a giant loaf of bread in the other] 50 more pounds, and I'm homeward-bound!
Col. Potter: You're going to *eat* you way to a discharge?
Klinger: I call it "Food for Freedom"!
Col. Potter: I call it "Suicide by Salami"!
Klinger: I'll take my chances!
Col. Potter: Okay, when you can't get through that door, come see me.
Klinger: I'll be wearing a size 30, sir.

Father: Colonel, an ambulance has turned over in the compound, you better come on the double.
Col. Potter: Anybody hurt?
Father: Well, the driver's a bit shaken-up, but he'll be all right.
Col. Potter: No-one else inside?
Father: No.
Col. Potter: Thank God.
Father: I already did.

Col. Potter: [Col. Potter is drinking with Hawkeye and BJ] I had a 'still on Guam in WW2. One night it blew up! That's how I got my Purple Heart...

Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: You're insubordinate!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right!
Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: You're insolent!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right! And you're nuts!

Captain B.J. Hunnicut: [the officers are discussing the fever epidemic] Any news from the lab in Seoul?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Father Mulcahy is down there now on R&R.
Captain: Rest and resurrection.

Col. Potter: So in the dead of night, you decide to go off half-cocked and get help?
Radar: Well, gee, sir, since I got us lost and I broke the bus, I figured I didn't need your half-cocked permission.

Col. Potter: I learned about foot care in World War I from Captain Harry S Truman, no less. He had a great pair of feet.
Hawkeye: Imprints of which may be found on General MacArthur's backside.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Well Dr. Freedman what's the diagnosis?
Dr. Sidney Freedman: He's Christ.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: If you look closely you may notice, I'm not laughing.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: OK, he's not Christ, but he's also not Chandler.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Music has charms to soothe the savage breast.
Corporal: I don't know much about those, sir.

Radar: [Radar is sunning himself. Colonel Potter arrives and honks] Stick that horn in your ear!
Col. Potter: On your feet, I'm Colonel Potter.

Major: Is my call through to Indiana yet?
Corporal: Not right now sir, I've got another call going through to Ohio.
Major: Don't give *me* any of your snottiness! I'm not that old dimwit you work for!
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: The Ohio call's mine, Major.
Major: [laughing nervously] Sir... I... uh... just a little joke with Radar.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: I'd watch that dimwit talk, Burns. Your bulb's been out since I met you.

Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: Just tell us what happened at the chopper pad. But First a number.
Warrent: [pause, and looks at Hawkeye and Henry] Sir?
Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: A musical number. Why it's in your blood boy!
[singing and dancing]
Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: When the sun goes down, and the darkies go to town, Hey hey what do you say.
[Continues singing and dancing on out of the tent - The JAG officer looks back at Henry, and places the papers back into his file]