50 Best Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt Quotes

Maj. Frank Burns: Ah, come on, you sleepyheads! Up and at 'em.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Oh, buzz off, Frank.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Get lost.
Maj. Frank Burns: I don't understand. You hate me again.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: What's not to hate?

Radar: When I was wandering around here, I didn't find no enemies so I figure we're safe so long as we can get out of here.
Hawkeye: Speaking of which, enemy-wise, has anyone seen our prisoner?
Frank: There he is! *Sabotage*! He's tinkering with our parts!
[the POW is trying to fix the bus]
Frank: Get away from there!
B.J.: Easy, Frank, easy! He's wounded, remember?
Frank: Oh, wounded, sure! That's how we lost China!
B.J.: By fixing a bus?
[the wrench Frank is holding is pointed towards B.J]
B.J.: Careful, that could be loaded.

Radar: [under his breath] Hawk!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Huh?
Radar: [under his breath] He's coming over here!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Play hard to get.
Radar: Don't horse around!
Colonel: Boys.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Colonel.
Colonel: You all know this is an Officer's Club, don't you?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'm a Captain, Plain Clothes Division.
Colonel: Uh huh. Corporal Stripes and Captains Bars?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's a new directive from the Pentagon. That's right out of G2 and G3 making a G5 Combined Officers Op-Tech Glitch. We're experimenting with a new rank: Corporal-Captain. We're down here taking a survey, to see, uh, you know, if everybody likes it, uh, asking everybody in Seoul.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Coleman Hawkins, right?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right.
Colonel: Well, I don't like it. I don't like it at all!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to BJ] Uh, put down one "No;" one "Against."
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Right. One "Negative; Corporal-Captain."
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Thank you, Colonel. We really appreciate your help in this.
Colonel: No, Sir! I don't like it at all!
Radar: He doesn't like it at all.

Captain B.J. Hunnicut: [Turning Major Burns' bed into a bar] What do we call it?
Hawkeye: It's in the corner. Let's call it The Corner Bar. It's been used. I got it! "Frank's Bed" now doing business as "Joe's Bar and Grill".
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: If my wife calls, I'm not here.
Hawkeye: Henry would've loved this.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Fair man with a bottle, you say?
Hawkeye: Henry? He could have been a competition drinker. The man was born with a spare tank. I really miss him.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: How about the Henry Blake Memorial Bar?
Hawkeye: I'll buy that. Let's break it in. I'll throw out the first drunk. With any luck it'll be me.

B.J.: Radar's radar is jammed.
Hawkeye: If it wasn't would we be here?
Frank: Oh sure, blame it all on O'Reilly.
Hawkeye: You just go back to being Tom Swift and his electric paranoid.
[Looks to Radar]
Hawkeye: It's nobody's fault. You know that.

Frank: Why don't you guys like me?
Hawkeye: Because you're a lousy doctor and a rotten person.
Frank: Aside from that.
B.J.: Well, there's your pimples.
Frank: My pores won't close.

Frank: Any Allied personnel, here is my position... uh, there is a fighter plane approaching... and, uh, when I say 'now', the jet will be directly over my head.
[Waits; fighter jet flies overhead]
Frank: Now!
B.J.: Frank, that thing's 1,000 feet up and going 500 miles an hour!
Hawkeye: By the time you said 'now', the plane was in its hangar and the pilot was in his jammies!

Captain: My friends, some men are born great. Others achieve greatness. And others are destined to work with rats. I would like to nominate someone who is eminently qualified. A man who was born for this job. A man who can look a rat in the eye and meet him on his own terms. I give you Major Frank Burns. Will anyone second this motion?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Hear, hear.
Major: Thank you, but I really can't accept. I'm already in charge of rumor control.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: I've heard that.

Col. Potter: [Frank finds a single radio and attempts to communicate with it] Major, there have to be two of those things. Someone has to have the other one, and they have to be on your frequency.
Hawkeye: It's no fun alone, Frank.
B.J.: What is?

B.J.: You know, I really can't wait to see the place.
Hawkeye: You can wait. You've heard of a military post? This is a compost. Everything we've got is surplus. The lice are surplus. Only the wounded are new. Supplies are a joke. The tedium is relieved only by the boredom. I can't think of a single reason why we're here, except we're needed. So, pitch in, muddle through, pip pip and the whole schmear. Ours not to reason why, ours not to let 'em die.

Col. Sherman T. Potter: Oh come on, guys, no horsin' around now. What have you done with Burns?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: We did what you said.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Showed him a good time, right?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Right.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: He's disappeared!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: It's his way of saying "thank you".

Col. Potter: To Harry Truman!
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: To Bess Truman. To Margaret Truman!
Hawkeye: To err is Truman

Corporal: [Reading his mother's lips in the home movie] "I love you, Walter."
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Gee, Dad, talkies.
Father: Who's Walter?
Corporal: That's my given name.
Captain: Give it back.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Major Burns would give a drowning man a glass of water.
Corporal: Should you give a drown...
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Major Burns has no heart.

Frank: [into a walkie-talkie] Any allied personnel, if you receive me, here is my position. Ready?
[peers out the window]
Frank: There are only about half a dozen stars visible sky-wise. I am directly under the brightest one. Over.
Hawkeye: Terrific, Frank.
B.J.: They'll start searching for us in Bethlehem.

Driver: [Watching Klinger, decked out in evening wear, get into Gen. Barker's car] It can't be...
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: What's that?
Driver: She looks like she needs a shave.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, she's been on duty all day.

Radar: [on a bus in the middle of nowhere] I gotta go to the latrine.
Hawkeye: Better take a hammer and nails and build one.
Radar: I'll manage.
B.J.: No wonder the trees all look familiar to him.

Captain: I lost the baby pool.
Father: Well, bless my soul! I won!
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: A little inside information, Father?
Father: Not at all. I just know a little more about conceptions.

Frank: Any Allied personnel! There are only about half a dozen stars visible, sky-wise. I am directly under the brightest one. Over.
Hawkeye: Terrific, Frank.
B.J.: They'll start searching for us in Bethlehem.

Frank: She was really warm for my form.
Col. Potter: And did you oblige?
Frank: I couldn't.
Col. Potter: Creep.
Frank: I wanted to save myself for Miss Right.
B.J.: Miss Right?
Hawkeye: Orville and Wilbur's sister. She invented the first airplane stewardess.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [Reading on a scrap of newspaper wrapping] Elizabeth Taylor married somebody whose name begins with N-I.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: N- I?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Nixon! Elizabeth Taylor married our vice president!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Nicky Hilton.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Nicky Hilton's our vice president now?

Col. Potter: Hawkeye, we're none of us going wandering around out there. Unacceptable procedure. Also stupid. I won't have it. We can't look for him until it gets light out.
Frank: [Hawkeye angrily kicks front of the bus, startling Burns awake] Oh!
Col. Potter: Easy, Burns.
Hawkeye: [Frank holds a gun] Put that thing away. Cochise is gone. We formed the bus into a circle.
Frank: Is he back yet?
B.J.: No, not yet.
Frank: No, huh?
Hawkeye: No, huh. That's right, huh.

Major: Radar is innocent until proven guilty.
Captain: Right.
Major: But he - and only he - seems entitled to that consideration.
[leaves OR]
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Don't you hate it when he's right?

Captain B.J. Hunnicut: [the officers are discussing the fever epidemic] Any news from the lab in Seoul?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Father Mulcahy is down there now on R&R.
Captain: Rest and resurrection.

Hawkeye: Come on, Frank, scrape the rust off your imagination, what if this guy really is who he says he is?
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: He's not.
B.J.: How do you know?
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: I tested him.
Hawkeye: You tested him?
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: I said a little prayer before lunch, nothing big.
Hawkeye: Just in case.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: My prayer wasn't answered, so put that in your hair and rub it.
Hawkeye: Come on, Frank, just because you didn't get chocolate pudding for lunch doesn't mean anything.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: How did you know I prayed for chocolate pudding?
Hawkeye: You *always* pray for chocolate pudding.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You know anything about horses?
B.J.: I stepped in some manure once.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're in charge.

Frank: [into walkie talkie] There is a fighter plane approaching. And, um, when I say "Now", the jet will be directly over my head.
[the jet whooshes overhead]
Frank: Now!
B.J.: Frank, that thing is a thousand feet up going 500 miles an hour.
Hawkeye: By the time you said 'now', the plane was in its hangar and the pilot was in his jammies.
Frank: I was just trying to help!
Col. Potter: Stop trying. That should help right off.

Colonel: Now I'm blowing the whistle on you, Freedman.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Blow away.
Colonel: Col. Potter, this man, this American, never signed his Officer's Loyalty Oath. And I intend to see that he's thrown out of the service.
Hawkeye: Very smart, Sidney.
B.J.: Where do we go to not sign?

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Know anything about dreams, Doc?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: I only know I wish I were having one right now.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: I had one last night. I was holding this paper that said, "Klinger is hereby declared nuts. Signed, Colonel Potter." I was saying good-bye to everybody. I even clipped the hair off my chest for Major Houlihan to keep in her watch. She kissed me right on the mouth. Next thing I know, I'm in San Francisco. Sprung! Free! There's this big parade. Four bands. People carrying a banner that says, "Klinger's Nuts!"
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Shh.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Then I'm in Toledo with my loved ones. And I own a delicatessen. Eight tables! Individual relish jars. You'll never guess who the waitress is. Major Houlihan. And she's still got my hair in her watch... pinned on a see-through blouse. What does that mean, Doc?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Well, it just might mean... that you wanna go home.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: I knew it!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: With Major Houlihan.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Yech!

B.J.: Hard day at the office?
Hawkeye: I put a colonel back together. I used the spare parts of two majors.
B.J.: Good thinking.
Hawkeye: You?
B.J.: Nothing today. Set Sergeant Zale's hand yesterday. Got a "Dear John" from his wife and tried to go ten rounds with the mess tent stove.

[Sgt. Zale, drunk, has broken his hand]
B.J.: Congratulations, Sergeant. You've just turned your right hand into a maraca. Once I set it, you can sit in with the relief band.
Zale: How come I don't feel no pain?
B.J.: It's swimming upstream against the bourbon.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Writing home again? That's your third letter this week.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Only way I can keep my sanity.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Well if you want sanity, you can have mine. God knows, I'm not using it.

[at Hawkeye's wake]
B.J.: For he was a jolly good fellow.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: He was a jolly good fellow.
Everyone: He was a jolly good fellow.
Hawkeye: I was much too young to die.

Col. Potter: [their bus has broken down in the middle of nowhere] At least if it was a horse, we could shoot it.
Frank: Fine leadership.
B.J.: What would you do?
Frank: If this unit were still under my command, you'd soon find out.
B.J.: I spent a week with you in command, Frank. You lost me when you rigged the toilet seats to rise to attention.
Frank: Only for inspection.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [speeding down the road] I lost my hat!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [no response] I lost my hat!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Your cookies will be next.

Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Where's Frank, Margaret? Still trying to call home?
Major: There's a crisis.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Hurricane named Louise.
Captain: I'd love to tap into that conversation.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: I'd love to be a mouse with earphones.
Major: Oh you'd just love to see me squirm, wouldn't you?
Captain: Can I slip into something comfy first?

Major: Nothing is too good for the men.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: I guess that's why they get so much of it.

[as Maj. Burns looks for bombs in a field]
B.J.: What's Frank up to?
Hawkeye: I think he's vacuuming Korea. Eisenhower's coming; he wants everything just so.

B.J.: [about Radar] I think it's agreed we all like him.
Col. Potter: Except whoever wrote me anonymously that Radar was selling tickets to the hole in the nurse's shower.
Frank: It wasn't me.
Col. Potter: Why would I think it was you?
Frank: Because I know people think that that's just the kind of thing I might do.
Col. Potter: Well why did you do it?
Frank: Because I felt is was my duty.
Col. Potter: I thought you said you didn't do it.
Frank: ...I thought I did too.

Maj. Frank Burns: [handing a martini glass to BJ] Can I have another lemon squash?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Coming up, Tex.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Best keep your wits about you, Major.
Maj. Frank Burns: Oh, don't worry about me, sir. I got a hollow head.

Corporal: [Giving B.J. his letters] And from Waggle Hunnicut.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: My dog.
Captain: Your dog?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: My wife does the actual writing, actually.
Captain: Surely you jest!
Corporal: [laughs] Dogs can't write!
Captain: Are you kidding? I once knew a cocker spaniel that covered the dog show for the New York Times.
[Radar laughs more]
Captain: Oh yeah, he would've won the Pulitzer Prize, but that was the year Joyce Kilmer wrote "Trees".

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: They shoot at doctors?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Doctors, lawyers, anything, any movement.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [bullets hitting jeep] I think I just had one.

[Choppers approach]
Hawkeye: [sighs] Wounded.
B.J.: Klinger says a lot.
Hawkeye: I don't care. I really don't. They'll keep coming whether I'm here or not. Trapper went home; they're still coming. Henry got killed and they're still coming. Wherever they come from they'll never run out.

Radar: [on the phone with the US] Whoa, did you know it's yesterday there?
Hawkeye: Well, it's today here.
B.J.: It's always today here.
Hawkeye: Oh, yeah? What about tomorrow?
B.J.: Good point.
Hawkeye: Ha, I wasn't born yesterday!

Col. Potter: What's wrong, Radar?
Radar: I don't know, sir, she won't start.
Frank: Oh swell. We can't go forward and we can't go back.
Hawkeye: It's a sign from heaven. The war's over!
B.J.: Now, what?
Hawkeye: We burn our uniforms, go home, get married and breed a new batch of draftees for the next one.
B.J.: Hear, hear.
Col. Potter: Let's finish this one first, shall we?

Frank: I wish I was home.
B.J.: I wish you was home too, Frank.

Captain B.J. Hunnicut: You have a fever.
Major: If I had two fevers I could give you change for a ten.
[laughs]

Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: [Trying to remember what happened to Frank] How do you figure? We carried him in here, laid him out. Didn't we take his boots off?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: We must've. My eyes are still burning.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [meeting Major Burns for the first time, drunk; he salutes, then breaks up laughing] What say you, Ferret Face?
[collapses, still laughing, on Major Houlihan]

Klinger: [Klinger walks up dressed like Moses. Hawkeye bursts out laughing] Sir, can you get Dr. Freedman back here, the psychiatrist?
B.J.: On what grounds?
Klinger: I'm Moses, right?
B.J.: Freedman's in Tokyo, Klinger.
Hawkeye: You take the first left in the road, and when you come to it, you part the Sea of Japan.