100 Best Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan Quotes

Margaret: The least you could do is get out of the jeep.
Hawkeye: Oh okay.
[Dismounts from the jeep]
Hawkeye: Never let it be said I didn't do the least I could do.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: [Margaret falls onto her cot and jostles her pillow] There's pudding in the pillow!

Abbott: Don't touch me. Come on, I told ya, I'm not kidding, don't touch me.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: You don't give the orders here.
Abbott: I hate your guts.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: My guts are not here for you to love.

Major: Must you bore everyone with that dull hometown news?

Margaret: Major Burns has decided to make out his will. Will you listen, Father?
Father: Gracious, I didn't even know he was dying.
Margaret: Oh, he isn't. No. Just a precautionary measure.
Father: Oh. But he does have the fever and a person is supposed to be of sound mind.
Frank: Oh, it's okay, Father. I don't think my mind was any sounder when I was well.
Margaret: Call if you need anything, Major.
Father: Uh, are you sure you feel up to this, Frank?
Frank: The only thing I really feel up to is dying.
Father: I see. Well, uh, if you're ready.
Frank: My car, my house, all the money I buried in my backyard, goes to the only woman who ever really cared, ever really understood - my wife, Louise. She'll have to thaw out the map, it's inside some ground chuck in the basement freezer. My savings account passbook number is in the same bottle as my appendix.
Father: Appendix. Hmm. A-Anything else?
Frank: For my children, all profits from my prescription kickbacks.
Father: Oh, dear.
Frank: These are recorded in my red ledger, not the blue one that I show to the government. And finally, to Major Margaret Houlihan, my friend, my comrade, my little soldier, I leave all my clothes.

Margaret: [in a huff] Where's Colonel Bubblehead?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Uh, he gave orders not to be disturbed.
Margaret: He already *is* disturbed!

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: I suppose you could run the war better than a five-star general?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: The Daily News only gave him four.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The shrapnel tore the back of the sigmoid colon!
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: That has to be it!
Maj. Frank Burns: Anybody could have missed that.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Thanks, Frank.

Maj. Frank Burns: Well, yes, Colonel, I've, um, put in for the Purple Heart.
Henry: But according to your accident report, you tripped in the mud on the way to the shower.
Maj. Frank Burns: Yes.
Henry: Is that the way you want it announced at the award ceremony? Tripped in the mud on the way to the shower?
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, well, I, I...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Sir, this injury was sustained at a front-line unit. Technically that makes it battle-connected.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [entering] On that basis, we'll be handing out medals for social diseases.
Maj. Frank Burns: What are you doing here, Pierce?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, I have a stethoscope fetish. This is the only place I can wear one without attracting attention. Henry, you're not going to endorse this idiot's application, are you?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: That's Major to you, Captain!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Henry, you're not going to endorse this major idiot's application, are you?
Henry: Pierce, that's a decision I'll decide when I decide and make my, uh, uh, decision, and that will, uh, decide.

Frank: [practicing reciting for upcoming film] "A group of brave men are at work in a make shift operating room struggling to save your sons and brothers while outside the dogs of war bark at the door of this sanctuary."
Trapper: [Hawkeye barks like a dog] Down, boy, down, down! Roll over. Jump through that.
Frank: "These are the saints in surgical garb, dedicated surgeons, all volunteers. Every red-blooded American knows, if he is wounded, he will be in the strong, capable hands of a Yankee Doodle Doctor."
Hawkeye,61836: A Yankee Doodle Doctor? Stuck a feather in his nurse and called her macaroni.
Frank: You didn't like it?
Hawkeye: Didn't like it? Let me count the ways.
Margaret: That's hardly a constructive criticism.
Hawkeye: Oh, you want a *constructive* criticism. You're right. How about, you stink! And so does this little movie show and Lieutenant Bricker.
Frank: Stinks? Oh, you, you...
Hawkeye: Who you calling a you-you?

Margaret: Captain Pierce, Major Burns, acting commander, and I, his adjutant, have been informed that you and Captain McIntyre have refuse to release Colonel Flagg's prisoner.
Hawkeye: Meanwhile, Aunt Martha, having taken a tramp in the wood, is lying in a ditch at the edge of town.

[Henry Blake, Hawkeye and Trapper are watching a nudie flick in Henry's office]
Henry: Pretty good, huh?
Trapper: Not much story, but plenty of action.
Hawkeye: [leaning toward the screen] It can't be!
Henry: What?
Hawkeye: It is! It's Charlie Abrams's receptionist!
[He cackles gleefully]
Hawkeye: She looks a lot better in balloons than a uniform.
Margaret: [entering the office, immediately shocked] Colonel!
Henry: Whoops!
Margaret: That's the most vulgar, base thing I've ever seen!
Hawkeye: Well, Margaret, you can't come in in the middle.
Margaret: It's disgusting!
Hawkeye: The critics panned it, too, but we're trying to judge it on its own merits.

Margaret: If I didn't hate violence, I'd kick you.
Hawkeye: Would you? With high heels?

Maj. Frank Burns: But, uh, what about the danger? I've got to be honest... I'm afraid of death.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Nobody's crazy about it, Frank. But sometimes it's necessary.
Maj. Frank Burns: There is another consideration: I'm a married man.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: [Glaring] No kidding? I'd forgotten. You haven't mentioned her for three or four hours.
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, talking about my wife is really hitting me below the belt at a time like this.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Frank.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Yes dear?
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: For a moment there, you looked like you had a chin.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: It's very simple, Colonel. Either you ship Travis out or the major and I will simply have to go over your head.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Well, you've done that so many times, I've got athlete's scalp.

Margaret: Henry Blake is a sham commander, a farcical administrator, and a spineless, irresponsible, lecherous old beanbag.
Hawkeye: Margaret, we're not going to get anywhere if you keep holding back!
Margaret: My report is going to General Mitchell!
Hawkeye: Ah come on, reconsider. Henry's less than perfect, but we are a team!
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Yeah, it's just that he's been in one too many scrimmages without his helmet.

Hawkeye: [He's just given Radar a long list of orders] Go!
Margaret: [Upset that Hawkeye is giving orders] Stay!
Corporal: She outranks you. She's got more things on her uniform.
Hawkeye: She's got more things *in* her uniform, but *go*.

Maj. Frank Burns: Did I tell you about the boxing?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: They didn't hit you?
Maj. Frank Burns: No. They crated me in my sleep.

Major: Nothing is too good for the men.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: I guess that's why they get so much of it.

Colonel: You can put a lid on this guessing game. As it happens, I know who our friend with the Messiah complex really is.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Oh, I knew you'd get to the bottom of this.
Colonel: All it takes is the right man with a shovel - who knows where to dig.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: I couldn't ask for a better man.
Major: Or a bigger shovel.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [angry about overlooked shrapnel on an xray] Frank, you can't just look around, you have to feel around.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: He does.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I mean during surgery.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [about a patient in O.R] You can do this, Major.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: I'm not sterile.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Congratulations.

Major: [Frank, concluding a phone call with Hot Lips from Henry's office, waits for her to hang up] Hang up, Frank.
Maj. Frank Burns: You hang up first.
Major: Oh, Frank, that's so high school!
Maj. Frank Burns: Let's count to three and then we'll hang up together.
Major: OK, you start.
Maj. Frank Burns: One.
Major: Two.
Hawkeye,61836: [from Radar's phone] Three!
Major: Get 'em Frank!

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Colonel, if we are overrun, may I remind you of your responsibility for the women of this command? What guarantee do we have concerning the violations of our bodies, the possibly numerous, multiple violations of our bodies by the enemy.
Hawkeye: What kind of guarantee do you want?

Maj. Frank Burns: What's this I hear about you performing a cirky on an infant?
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: That's elective surgery.
Maj. Frank Burns: Against regulations.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Pierce: So is groping in the x-ray room without leather aprons.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: [while struggling to get out of the surgical gown and handcuffs that Trapper used to tie her to Frank] Colonel! Look at us!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: It does look pretty silly without the music.

Margaret: [Offering Hawkeye and Trapper a deal that would stop her from sending a scathing report about Henry Blake to General Mitchell] Today is Frank's birthday.
Hawkeye: Yeah yeah...
Margaret: I think a surprise party in the mess tent tonight, with a big cake and at least twenty people, and presents... might just stop my report.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: It's a deal!
Hawkeye: It is not! I have just run out of hypocrisy! My dignity tank is getting dangerously low! You expect me to drag twenty screaming people to a party for Frank Burns and paint smiles on their faces? And presents? Half this camp spends its time sticking pins in little Frank Burns dolls! I will debase myself just so far for a pair of boots! Ha! Party for Frank Burns?
[Hawkeye then storms out of Margaret's tent, followed by Trapper, and immediately steps into an ice cold mud puddle with the boot with the large hole in the sole]
Hawkeye: I think I'll start with a few hors d'oeuvres, followed by baked ham and hot biscuits. If they'll stay hot, that's the only problem.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Colonel Blake?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Oh, Major Houlihan, Major Stoner...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Major.
Maj. Stoner: Major.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Major. Major Burns, Major Stoner...
Maj. Frank Burns: Major.
Maj. Stoner: Major.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Major Pierce...
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Major.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, I think we've made a major breakthrough here.

[Margaret and Gen. Kelly stand close for a snapshot]
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Oh, your gun is digging into my thigh.
Lt. Gen. Robert 'Iron Guts' Kelly: Lucky gun.

Maj. Frank Burns: [Frank knocks on Margaret's door and sees Hawkeye and Trapper] What's going on?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Nothing's going on, Frank. I just couldn't sleep.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: And we couldn't sleep.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: So we're all here not sleeping together.

Hawkeye: Good evening. Thank you all for coming. I trust you will forgive me for disturbing you at this late hour, but the time has come to unmask the guilty party - the perpetrator of this bad practical joke.
Frank: We know who the guilty party is.
[to Henry]
Frank: Why do you let him ...
Hawkeye: Contain yourself, Dr. Burns! Remember the old adage: "Methinks he doth protest too much."
Frank: Who does he think he is?
Trapper: The Thin Man?
Hawkeye: You dislike me enough to wish me transferred to another base - preferably an enemy base. But let us not forget Major Houlihan. Tough, ambitious, yet greasy Major Houlihan. Why think of only one culprit? Why not a pair of sweethearts in crime?
Margaret: You are sick!
Hawkeye: Still, another colleague resents me because of his consistent losses at the gaming tables.
Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones: The man's a fruitcake!
Hawkeye: And yet you, Lieutenant, also had a motive of jealousy, because I share my affections among the ladies.
Lt. Barbara Bannerman: You told me I was the only one - !
Hawkeye: Ha! Of course, my legendary prowess among the fairer sex was cause for envy on the part of... Dr. McIntyre!
Trapper: Legendary? I've seen you strike out in a geisha house.
Hawkeye: Still, we must remember that the thefts were committed in several places, indicating that the thief had access to the various tents and was perhaps short enough to go unnoticed. There is only one man here short enough to bathe in his own helmet. Right, Radar?
Radar: Me? I'm not short!
Hawkeye: [chuckles] Let us not overlook the possibility of a mastermind who commands others to do his bidding, right, Henry?
Henry: [waking up] Uhh, sign what, Radar? I'm sorry, Pierce. Uh, it's going very well.
Hawkeye: A most perplexing riddle, calling for the most ingenious of solutions. Thus I made it publicly known that there were fingerprints to be found on the stolen articles, thereby tempting the criminal to repeat his crime, and retrieve his ill-gotten booty - or his ill-booten gotty. Which he has done! However, in so doing, he has exposed himself.
[Frank closes his robe]
Hawkeye: Because I took the precaution of treating the stolen articles with hydrochloric-alpha-terracin.
Trapper: What's hydrochloric-alpha-terracin?
Hawkeye: A chemical which is at this moment coloring the culprit's fingernails... blue.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I'm gonna call regimental headquarters for immediate help.
Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Henry, we did. We're on our own till tomorrow.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: We can't just wait! We've gotta do something!
Frank: Anything!
Hawkeye: I agree with Frank. I think we should do anything.

Major: [trapped, crying in McIntyre's arms] I'm so embarrassed.
Captain: Why?
Major: I outrank you!

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Aren't you gonna read your letter?
Corporal: Oh, I get sort of carsick when I read in bed. Would you, for me?
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Well, it's from a young lady. It might be intimate or personal.
Corporal: Oh, that's okay. I don't know anybody personally.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Well, all right, but rest assured, I won't listen to a word I read.

Hawkeye: Blow in my ear.
Margaret: What?
Hawkeye: I'm so cold I think my pilot's gone out.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [Hawkeye is fitting people into a Jeep for a world record] Squeeze in, Major. We got plenty of room.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: This is completely beneath me.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I was hoping for that spot myself.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: I sent away for these sheer hose and these spiked heels just to make myself more attractive to you.
Major: You didn't have to do that. I'd find you attractive if you were naked.

Major: Frank, give them a direct order.
Hawkeye: Oh, do, Frank. We've never ignored one of those.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Colonel Whiteman, I just want to say that this disrespectful attitude is in no way shared by myself or Major Burns on my right.
Trapper: On your right what?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You hear that?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: I don't hear anything.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Know what that "anything" is? Silence. The shelling stopped. It's all over.

Margaret: [Frank wants a war prisoner released to Colonel Flagg. A doctor must sign to release the prisoner; Frank and Margaret are goading Hawkeye and Trapper into signing the release] Frank, *you* can sign for it! You're a doctor!
Frank: Hey, that's right! I *am* a doctor!
Hawkeye: Your secret is safe with us, Frank.
Trapper: His *patients* are definitely never going to find out.

Margaret: [very drunk] Oh. Corporal. I wonder if I can see Colonel Blake?
[She looks around, confused, then jogs away]
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I wonder if you can, too.
[Margaret drunkenly jogs up to Hawkeye, Trapper, and Henry Blake, stopping directly in front of Henry]
Margaret: [saluting] Major Margon Houlihat reporting for duty, sir.
Henry: Aw boy, drunk as a skunk.
Trapper: She's tanked.
Hawkeye: A fine time to make a drinking debut.
Margaret: Where are the casualties, sir?
Henry: Now, just hold your horses. They're not even here yet.
Margaret: Well, then, let's go get 'em, sir. I'll drive!
[Hawkeye and Trapper laugh]
Henry: Major? Major, dear, you're drunk.
Margaret: Oh, I'm not so think as you drunk I am!
[Hawkeye and Trapper laugh some more]
Henry: Uh, you'd better go to your tent, Major.
Margaret: I can't operate in my tent!
Trapper: [still laughing] You're doing okay so far!
Margaret: Aah, go salute yourself!

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Those guys are doped up most of the time anyway.
Maj. Frank Burns: Doped up on patriotism, fella! Something we're in pretty short supply of around here.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Here, here!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Radar, we're running low. Get another order of "Yankee Doodle."

Major: [giddy] My investments are beginning to pay off. Before long, my ship will be coming in to Easy Street.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Mrs. Frank Burns.
Major: [panicked] Where?
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: I was just trying it out for size.
Major: Beg your pardon?
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Well you always said, Frank, if ever you were rich enough, you'd think about getting a divorce.
Major: Now, hold it. Just a minute, fella. Nobody said I was rich. I said I was doing well.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: What's the difference between rich and well, Frank?
Major: Well... well is okay, but to be rich, you've got to be a lot weller than only well. I mean no matter how swell well is.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Frank? Frank, you're double-talking. I can always tell. Your upper lip disappears.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: [Burns has lost control of the tank] Colonel, save us!
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Don't worry, Margaret. Watch an old cavalry hand at work.
[Gets into a jeep and attempts to block the tank's path]
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Burns! Stop! Pull over!
Maj. Frank Burns: [Panicking] Oh no, Colonel! Don't stop there! Move, please! Colonel! Move! Look out!
[Potter jumps out of the way and the tank crushes the jeep. Potter looks at the remains of the jeep and shoots it]

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [walking in on the giant mess that Frank has created in her tent] Frank! What are you doing?
Maj. Frank Burns: Huh?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: What are you doing?
Maj. Frank Burns: Uh... Have you got a pencil?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: A pencil?

Margaret: Colonel, I just wanted you to know that I was preparing my final report before I go, which I haven't done yet.
[she walks up to Henry's liquor cabinet and finds it locked]
Margaret: Uh, how do you get into this thing?
Henry: Is there something you want?
Margaret: I thought a little farewell drink - Major, Colonel.
Henry: Looks like you've already been dipping your bill. You sure you won't reconsider, major?
Margaret: No, I've thought it over, and I definitely would like another drink.
Henry: Okay. Scotch and water okay?
Margaret: That's fine. Oh, you can skip the water.
Henry: Oo-kay.
Margaret: [mimicking Henry] Oo-kay.
Henry: [pouring drinks] You know, Major, you're making a mistake. This outfit may be a bit of a booby hatch, but, uh, we do awful good work together.
Margaret: Yeah, I can't fight you there.
Henry: Cheers.
[they toast and drink]
Margaret: I need army discipline. I need a sense of order. Can't you understand that, Colonel?
Henry: Why don't you call me Henry, for Pete's sake?
Margaret: That's really swell of you, Pete.
Henry: [sitting down] Excuse me.
Margaret: Do you know that you look just like my father before he died?
Henry: Oh, uh, a lot of people have said that.
Margaret: [pouring another drink] It's funny how you only get to know people after they're gone. I feel real close to you right now.
Henry: Yeah, sure. Uh, that, uh, scotch you just poured is rye.
Margaret: That's okay. The champagne I just had was gin.

Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Where's Frank, Margaret? Still trying to call home?
Major: There's a crisis.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Hurricane named Louise.
Captain: I'd love to tap into that conversation.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: I'd love to be a mouse with earphones.
Major: Oh you'd just love to see me squirm, wouldn't you?
Captain: Can I slip into something comfy first?

Major: Everybody thinks I'm so hard and tough and here I am crying like a baby! Do you mind?
Captain: No, it's the first soft water that's touched my body in a year.

Margaret: Don't think of me as a woman.
Hawkeye: Don't stand in profile.

Margaret: [while Trapper and Hawkeye are holding her under the shower to sober her up] What are you doing?
Hawkeye: New surgical procedure. You have to scrub up from head to toe in your clothes.
Margaret: That's ridiculous! I like it!

Margaret: Here's to Captains Pierce and McIntyre. To their all-night binges. To their secret nurse ceremonies. To their planting of microphones in sleeping bags. To their childish switching of names on latrines. All of which goes into my special report to General Mitchell, which culminates in a detailed account of your Thanksgiving "Come As Your Favorite Nude Pilgrim" party.
[Margaret, Hawkeye, and Trapper all drink. She makes a face]
Margaret: This stuff isn't champagne. Champagne tickles my nose.
Hawkeye: This stuff eats it away.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: We will now hear the minutes of the last meeting, Corporal.
Corporal: Uh, I didn't take any. I was the only one here. Excuse me. We do have the minutes for the meeting before the last meeting's minutes.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Read them, Corporal.
Corporal: Yes, ma'am.
[Clears throat]
Corporal: 'Minutes of the last monthly staff meeting, which was held six months ago. The motion was made that the officers of this unit hold a yearly reunion once a year after the war is over. The motion was defeated when it failed to receive even one vote. The meeting was soon declared a shambles right after Captain Mclntyre unscrewed Major Burns's clusters.'
Hawkeye: Ah, those were the days.

[Hot Lips and Frank enter The Swamp to find Trapper and Hawkeye dressed in gorilla suits]
Maj. Frank Burns: Pierce? McIntyre?
Captain: What is it, Frank?
Maj. Frank Burns: Take off those masks!
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Take off those suits!
Captain: We will if you will.
Maj. Frank Burns: Where did you get those costumes?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: What costumes?
Maj. Frank Burns: The costumes you're wearing!
Captain: These aren't costumes. We stopped shaving last month.

Major: [noticing Trapper is using Frank Burns' duffel bag as a punching bag] Just a minute, isn't that Frank's bag?
Trapper: I thought you were Frank's bag!

Margaret: [Her lover Frank Burns has been replaced as temporary commander of 4077] It's a blow below the belt!
Frank: Well, we've both had plenty of those in our time.

Margaret: I have to go now, Frank, but I'll be back.
Maj. Frank Burns: Goodbye, Nancy.
Margaret: Nancy?
Maj. Frank Burns: You're the best receptionist I ever had.
Margaret: Frank!
Maj. Frank Burns: Honestly, Louise, we had to work late.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Flare your nostrils for me, Frank. I get so excited when you flare them.
Major: Margaret, I get so excited when you say "excited".

Cho: [Frank and Hot Lips want a wooden bust of Colonel Potter carved] Hmm. Lotsa work. Two assistants. Electric light at night. Overtime. Hmm. Six bucks.
Maj. Frank Burns: [unsure] Well...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Frank, These people have no espect-ray unless you aggle-hay over the ice-pray.
Maj. Frank Burns: Five dollars.
Cho: Seven-fifty.
Maj. Frank Burns: Sold!
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [glares at Frank] Umb-day!

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: General Kelly, I'd like you to meet our very fine head nurse, Major Houlihan and uh Major Burns, one of our finest surgeons, a real killer.
Lt. Gen. Robert 'Iron Guts' Kelly: Major.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: General.
Maj. Frank Burns: General.
Lt. Gen. Robert 'Iron Guts' Kelly: Major.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: And the General's aide, Colonel Wortman.
Colonel: Major.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Colonel.
Maj. Frank Burns: Colonel.
Colonel: Major.
Lt. Gen. Robert 'Iron Guts' Kelly: Colonel.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: General?
Lt. Gen. Robert 'Iron Guts' Kelly: No, no, my Colonel.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Oh, I'm sorry, General. I got it all brass backwards.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: [Frank is attempting to drive a tank. Margaret is running alongside] Frank! Can you see me? Are you in control?
Maj. Frank Burns: [Mesmerized by driving the tank] Boom, boom.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Frank, look! Hunnicutt's fresh out of residency. Stanford medical school. Wonderful qualifications!
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: And look at this, Tau Phi Epsilon.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Is that a very selective fraternity?
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Very! They *blackballed* me.

Major: I'm going to lay down now because I'm very tired, and there better not be any hanky-panky.
Captain: I don't even have a hankie, and my pankie is in my other suit.

Hawkeye: Sorry, baby.
Margaret: That's Major to you!
Hawkeye: Sorry, Major baby.

Major: [Margaret asks to borrow money from Frank] I just can't do it. It rubs against the grain. 'Neither a lender nor a borrower be.' Polonius.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: 'To give and not count the cost.' St. Ignatius Loyola.
Major: 'The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last throughout a whole lifetime... if not asked to lend money.' Mark Twain.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: 'Blow it out your ear!' Margaret Houlihan.

Hawkeye: Hi, dear. Having a tough day at the office?
Margaret: Just filling out the daily report.
Hawkeye: Add these.
[Hands her a stack of papers]
Hawkeye: Pints of blood used. Pints of blood needed. Progress of cases reports. And on page six, you'll find my resignation. If you skip every other word, you'll see it's also a suicide note.

Major: [about Hawkeye and Trapper] There isn't a nurse in this camp they haven't tried to molest.
Captain: Except the male ones.
Hawkeye: Speak for yourself.

Margaret: Did either of you ever kiss Frank?
Trapper: Not me. How about you?
Hawkeye: I was hoping maybe this New Year's Eve.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: I think this entire unit should go on immediate red alert.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: That makes good sense. I would make it conditional, however.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: On what?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: On what does red alert mean?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We can all be comforted by the thought that he's not really gone. There's a little Tuttle left in of us. In fact you might say that all of us together made up Tuttle.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: [sobbing] I'll never forget him!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Our grief will pass... it's already hard to remember exactly how Johnny looked... his little laugh... Thankfully, he's left behind a memorial. I've been informed by Radar that Captain Tuttle's G.I. insurance named Sister Theresa's orphanage as his sole beneficiary! How typical. We salute you, Captain Tuttle. Humanitarian and healer. Goodbye, Tuttle..in that great big waiting room in the sky!
[Salutes; everyone else salutes]
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: He was the best damn O. D. we ever had!

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: You're drunk!
Henry: Oh, that's a dirty lie! And I intend to press charges. The minute I'm sober.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: It's a very genuine pleasure to have you at the 4077th, Nancy dear.
Nancy: Oh, it's mine too. Everyone's been so terrific about being nice to me!
Maj. Frank Burns: It's nice to be nice... to the nice!
[giggles]
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: She's darling, Henry. Looks a little like your oldest daughter, doesn't she, Frank? He has three.
Maj. Frank Burns: They're all back in the States.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Well, "goom-bye," people. We're gonna wet our whistle.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Glad to have met you.
[Henry and Nancy leave]
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: "Nice to be nice to the nice?"
Maj. Frank Burns: Just making conversation.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Try doing it with your mouth shut.

Major: Will you step this way?
[they walk behind a tent]
Major: Margaret, what is it?
Major: [punches him] The next time you give away your clothes, give 'em to somebody your own size!

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: This is completely against military regulations!
Maj. Frank Burns: Wholly unauthorized!
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: You've got some of my nurses in there.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'll rinse 'em off before I return them.

Hawkeye: [Hawkeye, Trapper and Margaret are drunk. Hawkeye sings] I wish there were a radio way up in heaven/So I could say hello to Mother every day.
Hot: I didn't know you could sing.
Hawkeye: Was I singing? I thought I was dancing.
[They all laugh]
Frank: What the devil's going on in here?
Trapper: Frank! Baby!
Hawkeye: [sings, followed by Trapper and Margaret] Come on in and take off your skin and rattle around in your bones!
Frank: Major Houlihan!
Hot: Whoop!
Frank: This really cuts me to the quick!
Hawkeye: That's quite all right. His quick could use some cutting!
Hawkeye,62774: [laughing]
Frank: Let me have that!
[sniffs flask]
Frank: Where did this liquor come from?
Hot: Shhhhh!
Hawkeye,61836: [almost in unison] Yeah, don't tell anybody.
Frank: As your commanding officer, I insist!
Hawkeye: Ok, ok, ok.
[Grabs Frank and pull him closer]
Hawkeye: You take eleven string beans, one onion, half a radish, and four banamas.
Trapper: [Grabs Frank's sleeve] Mix it up, and you... uh... let it soak for... uh... six weeks.
Hawkeye: Days.
Trapper: Days.
Hot: You'd better write this down, Frank.
Hawkeye: [Grabs Frank back] Then you look around and you find the tallest tree, and you hang the stuff in an emena bag, and you let it lay there for eighteen weeks...
Trapper: Days.
Hawkeye: Days.

Frank: We were just, um... going over tomorrow's duty roster.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: The one on my desk?
Major: He means yesterday's duty roster tomorrow.

Margaret: Major Burns is being abused!
Henry: Cut that out, Frank.

Col. Potter: [first day in camp; reviewing officer files] Major Margaret Houlihan.
Margaret: Sir!
Col. Potter: Ten years, spotless record.
Margaret: Thank you, sir!
Col. Potter: Major Frank Burns.
Margaret: Just friends, sir.

Hawkeye: I almost forgot. It's time to listen to my favorite Armed Forces soap opera, "Just Plain MacArthur."
[turns on tape recorder]
Frank: Soap operas now. You're deteriorating by the minute.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [recording] I'll be devastated without you, you know that.
Frank: [recording] I'll write you every day... faithfully!
Frank: "I'll write every day... faithfully." Listen to that drivel, that manure! You know, anyone who could listen to that...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [recording] Frank, you're crushing my 'mums.
Frank: Was that... that's... that's...
Hawkeye: That's right. Nurse Drivel and Dr. Manure!

Frank: [bombs heard in background] I hope we're giving it to 'em good, those little yellow reds.
Hawkeye: Frank, you better take two yellow reds and go to sleep.
Frank: Oh, you like getting shot at, Dr. Goody Two-Shoes?
Hawkeye: I just don't know why they're shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread, transplant the American Dream: freedom, achievement, hyperacidity, affluence, flatulence, technology, tension, the inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back. That's entertainment!
Frank: Pierce, you are certifiably insane.
Hawkeye: Gee, I can't understand why. Here I am, 20,000 miles from home working as an extra in a war movie with this guy's blood dripping into my boot. Nurse, you want to do something about that, or must I kiss you into submission?
Lt. Ginger Bayliss: Right away, doctor.
Hawkeye: That's not insane-making, Frank. Neither is bedding down every night with a flea circus, or eating food prepared by a cook who used to make box lunches for Kamikaze pilots, or getting so bored out my skull, I put on my dress uniform for a trip to the latrine!
Frank: Will you watch your language?
Margaret: There are nurses present.
Hawkeye: Oh, forgive me. I'd like to offer the nurses a blanket apology. Or even better, I'd like to offer them a blanket invitation.
Frank: Smut merchant.
Henry: Oh, pipe down, Burns.
Frank: Oh sure, always. You jump all over me, but he can say what he wants, and he gets away with it. Colonel's pet, that's what you are!
Hawkeye: I'll get you at recess!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Frank would volunteer for a firing squad. Or to be in front of it.
Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Or both.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Colonel, I protest this attack on Major Burns' character in his absence.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Actually, we're attacking his absence of character.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: We need more silk, Radar.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: We're all out, sir.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: All right. In my tent, under my bed, next to the milk bottle there's a package of sewing thread. Lorraine sent it to me. Go.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yes, sir.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Colonel, ordinary thread for stitches?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: It's either that or use the stapler in my office, Major.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Colonel...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Major Burns is ready to assist.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: What do you think I'm doing? Stalling 'til my room is ready?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: I think it only fitting that a Captain be assisted by a Major when working on the son of a General, Colonel.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I think you just conjugated the Pentagon!

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [Frank's not involved in the complaint because he didn't sign] Why didn't you let him sign?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Let him? We begged him to! We begged him to do the right thing.

Margaret: They've totally destroyed my authority with the nursing staff; they've made a mockery of my majority!
Hawkeye: What do you know, we're "major" mockers.

Frank: [Hawkeye has thrown Frank a surprise party to buy off Margaret] Pierce, Mclntyre, this is the happiest night of my life, buddies!
Hawkeye: You want to share the happiness, Frank?
Frank: With the whole world!
Hawkeye: Sign this.
[Hands him Klinger's Section 8 discharge papers]
Frank: Sure! What is it?
[reads papers]
Frank: Never! You're asking me to let a pervert out of the army?
Hawkeye: Oh, right, Frank. By all means, let's keep the perverts *in* the army.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Klinger's not a pervert!
Margaret: How do you know?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Because I'm one and he's never at the meetings!

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Put him down - you can't twirl an officer!

Margaret: Roll up your sleeve.
Hawkeye: Uh-uh.
Margaret: What do you mean, "uh-uh"?
Hawkeye: I want mine in my tushie.
Margaret: What?
Hawkeye: Derrière, the back of my front, the fleshy part. I can't take pain, I can only give it.
Margaret: Alright, lower your trousers.
Hawkeye: I thought you'd never ask.

[Everyone has just come out of a long OR session]
Margaret: [angrily] You're dismissed.
Hawkeye: Thanks, Mother. We've gotta get up early, anyway, and fix MacArthur's hernia.

Margaret: They love you, Frank!
Frank: It was their hatred that fooled me.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Klinger, it's nothing. It's just a scratch.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: There it goes. My whole life is passing in front of me. Ma! Pa!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Have we got the right shoulder?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Laverne, good-bye.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Klinger.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: So long, Harry, Freida, Paul. Oh, oh, I'm coming, Uncle Jake.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Klinger, you're all right.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Was the gun loaded?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: The lights are fading. I'm too young. No, no!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Could you at least bleed?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: What is the matter with you?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He's molting.

Margaret: I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but Frank Burns is a lipless wonder.

Maj. Frank Burns: [after seeing Hawkeye's slideshow showing compromising pictures of Hotlips and Gen. Clayton] Margaret!
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Uh... he's... just a, a, friend of the family!

Margaret: [referring to Hawkeye and Trapper] Those two are ruining this war... for ALL of us!

Frank: [thinks he is dying and going to heaven] Margaret, if I should go before you, look for me when you get there. I'll be waiting for you on the other side.
Margaret: Frank... darling.
Frank: But, if I'm standing by my wife, pretend you don't know me.

Major: What's that?
Corporal: They're flowers, ma'am.
Major: I can see that, Corporal. I've been to the country.
Corporal: Well, the person who gave these to me said, "Give them to Major Houlihan, the most wonderful person in the whole camp."
Major: [Looking lovingly at the flowers] Anemones.
Corporal: Yeah, but he wants to be friends now.

Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: [speculating about B.J. Hunnicutt] You know Margaret, I have a feeling. I'll bet he's Republican.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: That would be too much to ask.

Margaret: Act like a man, you sniveling twerp!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You know something, Major?
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: What's that?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're beautiful when you sweat.