50 Best Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger Quotes

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: You guys at the rear have no respect for the front line troops, stealing our dresses.

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Hawkeye walks into the mess tent stark naked] Now *that's* tasteful without being gaudy!

[about his uncle]
Klinger: He'd kill for me. He'd kill for you. For $100, he'd kill for anyone.

Army Capt. Halloran: [sitting down beside Cpl. Klinger, and seeing him in drag for the first time] Hey... Up close, you're a guy!
Cpl. Klinger: Far away too.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: A white wedding gown?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: I'm entitled. I'm a virgin.

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Colonel, is it alright if I go out and start the exercises. I'm dying to get into a size 9.

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Halt!
Henry: Klinger!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Who goes there?
Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: The man's naked!
Hawkeye: Aw, come on, Klinger, put on a dress or something.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: At least a slip!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [after Klinger gives Hawkeye a manicure] Very nice. You really do a good job, Klinger.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Well, I'm not just another pretty face.

Cpl. Maxwell "Max" Q. Klinger: Let us bow our heads in a silent prayer for the mother...
Father: Kilnger, I thought you were an atheist.
Cpl. Maxwell "Max" Q. Klinger: I gave it up for Lent.

Colonel: Hey, you!
Klinger: What?
Colonel: This is the army, soldier!
Klinger: I get that feeling too!
Colonel: Hey!
Klinger: What?
Colonel: The next time I see you, Tinker Bell, you'd better be in uniform and as GI as General MacArthur! You hear me?
Klinger: Loud and clear, Mary.

Trapper: If you were a nurse we'd be shipping you to the 44th
Klinger: [irritated] If I was a nurse I'd be home now, pregnant

Henry: Klinger! It's 4:00 in the afternoon, and you're still in a housecoat? Put on a dress! You never know who might be coming around!
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Yes, sir!
Henry: Boy, oh boy, oh boy! ! You gotta stay on top of these guys every minute!

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Corporal Klinger, volunteering for corpsman duty, sir.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Really, Klinger?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Terrific.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: What the hell. Maybe I can get out for bravery. I'm sure not making it for nutsery.

Klinger: Colonel Potter, sir; Corporal Klinger. I'm section eight, Head to toe. I'm wearing a Warner bra. I like to play with dolls. My last wish is to be buried in my mother's wedding gown. I'm nuts. I should be out.
Col. Potter: Horse-hockey.

Klinger: [the Turkish soldier has just cut himself out of his canvas restraints] Major, do you want to take that knife away from him?
Frank: Umm... I'm not interested in mock heroism.
Klinger: I'd settle for the real thing, sir.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [lecturing Klinger] None of us wants to be here. I don't wanna be here. Radar doesn't want to be here. The doctors, the nurses. Certainly the wounded don't want to be here. But we've got to do our best. Understand, son?
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: I'm trying.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Then get your butt in high gear and get back to work!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: That your last offer?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: You got it! Out!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Yes, sir.
[Klinger exits, as Major Burns enters]
Maj. Frank Burns: Colonel, can I see you?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Do I have a choice?
Maj. Frank Burns: It's about Captain Pierce.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: He sew up your fly again?
Maj. Frank Burns: No, sir.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: He spit at you?
Maj. Frank Burns: He's stuffing a bunch of personnel into a jeep! Something about setting a world's record.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Chuckles] He's a pistol. Burns, can't you see Pierce is just trying to boost morale?
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, my morale is fine. I love it here.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Stares at Burns] Either you or Klinger is nuts. Now I've got to figure out which one.

Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: My girl Laverne, she said yes! She agreed to marry me!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Klinger, has she ever seen you?
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: We've been dating since high school. Of course she's seen me.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I mean recently.

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: You have very strong hands, sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Oh, thank you, Klinger. My father gave them to me for graduation. He had to. Mom gave me a pen and pencil set.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [after Klinger is brought in by MP's dressed as a Korean peasant girl] What's the big idea, Klinger?
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: [looks up] How'd you know?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Korean women are not noted for hairy knuckles!

Klinger: [Klinger stands guard at night when Hawkeye walks by] Halt! What's the password?
Hawkeye: Outta my way or I'll split your head open!
Klinger: Close enough!

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: May I have your blessing?
Father: Certainly, but you're holding down the hand I do that with.

Klinger: [Klinger walks up dressed like Moses. Hawkeye bursts out laughing] Sir, can you get Dr. Freedman back here, the psychiatrist?
B.J.: On what grounds?
Klinger: I'm Moses, right?
B.J.: Freedman's in Tokyo, Klinger.
Hawkeye: You take the first left in the road, and when you come to it, you part the Sea of Japan.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Klinger comes into the Swamp wearing a white wedding dress] Uh, Klinger... do you mind a little constructive criticism?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: No, sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: First of all, it's gorgeous. It's easy to go overboard with one of those things, but that's tasteful without being gaudy.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Thank you, sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Just one suggestion: You must wear a slip! With the sun behind you, I can see clear through to your shorts.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Of course! And I've got so many slips in my tent.

Klinger: Halt! Who goes there?
Henry: Out of the way, Klinger.
Klinger: I've got to have the password, Colonel.
Henry: Bull feathers!
Klinger: That was last week's password.
Henry: I don't remember the damn password!
Klinger: Then I can't let you pass, sir.
Henry: Klinger.
Klinger: Sir?
Henry: If I don't get to the latrine, something's going to happen that hasn't happened since I was six. If that happens, Corporal, you'll be in the army until you're a little old whatever-you-are, in correction shoes and support stockings. Now blow!
Klinger: Yes, sir!

Klinger: ["The Conference" is under way] Five clams.
Trapper: I'm out.
Henry: I'm in.
Hawkeye: I wonder what the chances are of my getting the fifth Jack? Oh well not to worry.
[Calls]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Your five, and up five.
Klinger: That's mean.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'm gonna beat the pants off ya, lady.
Trapper: Hey! Where'd we get the kosher salami?
Capt. Sam Pak: I brought it! A little girl I knew at Berkley sent it. She's a yenta now.
Klinger: All right, all right. Here we go. Down and dirty!
[deals the next cards]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: [groaning at his hand] Aiyeeeee!
Hawkeye: What's your problem, poker face?
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'm "committing suicide."
Henry: Go out in turn, Sidney. Whoops, just found something... but i'll check.
Hawkeye: Hey, I bought the fifth Jack... i'm out.
Klinger: Dealer bets ten bucks!
[tosses in the bet]
Klinger: Colonel?
Henry: [Radar enters behind him trying to get his attention, Blake is fondling his chips] Let's see here.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Fondling your chips is very infantile.
Henry: Not now, Sidney.
Radar: But sir...
Henry: Not now, Radar.
Radar: Yeah, but sir...
Henry: Radar, whatever it is, sign it, cancel it, or order five more!

[after Klinger tries once again to get out of the Army]
Henry: Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Klinger: Yes, sir. I don't deserve to be in the Army.

Klinger: [after Henry has been trapped in the latrine that's been shelled] Colonel... if you can hear me, knock three times! If you can't, knock twice!
[two slow knocks follow]
Klinger: Oh Lord, he's dead.
Radar: Colonel!

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Shooting pains all down my arm. My head is on fire. I have no sense of touch. I think I got what Bette Davis had in "Mr. Skeffington."
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Don't move. I'll get Claude Rains. George Brent's not available.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Corporal Klinger, this is Major Freedman, divisional psychiatrist.
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Major sir!
[curtsies wearing a frilly pink dress]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: You got me up here to ask me about him? About that?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yeah well, you see, it really wasn't my idea.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: All the way from Seoul to ask me what? Whether he needs a girdle under that? Whether his seams are straight?... OK, OK. It's all part of the war, I guess.
[picks up a clipboard and looks at Klinger]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I have a few questions to ask you. Sit down, soldier.
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Yes sir!
[runs over to the chair. Freedman takes his time filling out the first part of his report]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Now, what's your name, honey?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Klinger, it's nothing. It's just a scratch.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: There it goes. My whole life is passing in front of me. Ma! Pa!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Have we got the right shoulder?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Laverne, good-bye.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Klinger.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: So long, Harry, Freida, Paul. Oh, oh, I'm coming, Uncle Jake.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Klinger, you're all right.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Was the gun loaded?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: The lights are fading. I'm too young. No, no!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Could you at least bleed?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: What is the matter with you?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He's molting.

Klinger: Sir, I have to confess. I'm a communist. An atheistic Marxist card-carrying uh...
Henry: Bolshevik.
Klinger: No, honest!
Henry: You are not.
Klinger: I am too, you imperialist dog.

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Damn Stalin, Truman, or whoever!

Radar: [Watching home movies of Frank's wedding; about the flower girl] Is that their daughter?
Trapper: That looks like you, Radar.
Klinger: Naw, the little girl is taller.
Radar: Who asked you?

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: I gotta have long johns. I'm getting a terrible draft up my skirt.

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [referring to the bait for Frank's rat trap] Sir, this stuff is really barf-making. Do you think the rats will go for it?
Frank: That happens to be my wife's fruitcake, Corporal!

Klinger: How can you eat this slop?
Radar: My mouth is tone deaf.

Frank: Klinger, how dare you wear that hat while in uniform?
Klinger: It's spring, sir.

Klinger: [Klinger enters Potter's office with a giant salami in one hand, and a giant loaf of bread in the other] 50 more pounds, and I'm homeward-bound!
Col. Potter: You're going to *eat* you way to a discharge?
Klinger: I call it "Food for Freedom"!
Col. Potter: I call it "Suicide by Salami"!
Klinger: I'll take my chances!
Col. Potter: Okay, when you can't get through that door, come see me.
Klinger: I'll be wearing a size 30, sir.

[Klinger reads Henry a letter from his mom that says his dad's dying]
Henry: The father dying, right?
Klinger: Yes, sir.
Henry: [takes out a stack of papers and reads them] Father dying last year. Mother dying last year. Mother AND father dying. Mother, father, and older sister dying. Mother dying and older sister pregnant. Older sister dying and mother pregnant. Younger sister pregnant and older sister dying. Here's an oldie but a goodie: Half of the family dying, other half pregnant.

Frank: Klinger! I want to see you out of that dress - tonight!
Klinger: Never on a first date, sir!

Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Sitting under a hair dryer. Frank Burns enters and bites Klinger on the neck] What are you doing?
Maj. Frank Burns: [Flustered] I was a...
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Agitated] Can't a guy have a wash and set without someone biting him on the neck?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [Enters tent] Biting who?
Maj. Frank Burns: [to Margaret] I was biting you.
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: No you weren't. You were biting me.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Klinger, what are you doing in here?
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Just borrowing a little of your shampoo, Major. It's wartime. We all gotta help each other.
Maj. Frank Burns: [Incensed] No we dont! You get out of here, you pervert!
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Accusing] Pervert? Who bit who, Major?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [to Klinger, pointing at the door] OUT!

Hawkeye: Right now, I'm thinking of bigger things.
[Looks at Klinger]
Hawkeye: Don't you come from Chicago?
Radar: [Klinger was about to talk] No, he's from Toledo.
Klinger: But I get my lingerie from Chicago.
[Trapper is cleaning a glass]
Trapper: And it's beautiful.
[Hawkeye, Radar, and Klinger stares at him]
Trapper: I hear.

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Radio signal gets lost] Well find it, find it, dammit. Oh, sorry Father.
Father: It's a wedding son. I understand your anger.

Maj. Frank Burns: Another week in command, and I'd have had you out of that dress!
Klinger: I'm not that easy.

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Ain't you gonna say anything about my outfit?
Hawkeye: Later.
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: Say something nice about his gloves.
Hawkeye: Huh?
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: [whispering] Gloves.
Hawkeye: Oh. Uh, I love your gloves, Klinger.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Sears catalogue. They were having a white sale. You trace your hands on a piece of paper to give 'em your right size however if you want the black ones which aren't on the white sale you really don't care, do you?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Klinger picks up a can] That's my midnight snack.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: 1943. These beans are from World War II.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right, they're has beans.

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Major Houlihan threw me out of the nurses' tent. She found out I was a man.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You gotta get up pretty early in the morning to fool Major Houlihan.

Radar: Klinger, no!
Klinger: I saw him pull in. This is my chance!
Radar: He's got a saddle.
Klinger: I don't care.
Radar: He's regular army!
Klinger: And I'm regular crazy!

Col. Potter: Klinger, nice outfit.
Klinger: Thank you, sir. It's from the Shirley Temple collection.

Hawkeye: Major, I gotta tell you something. But if you repeat it to anyone, I'll deny it. You are my favorite officer in the whole U.S. Army.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Same goes for me, Major. You're aces.