The Best Capt. Oliver Harmon 'Spearchucker' Jones Quotes

[first lines]
Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones: [slapping down a poker discard] One.
Hawkeye: One?
Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones: One.
Hawkeye: [to Trapper] Can you believe this guy? He asks for one.
Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones: Will you just deal?

Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones: You know I read someplace the U.N. was here to liberate these people. It must have been a misprint.

[Spearchucker touches Young Hi's hand to her face, then to his]
Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones: See, they're the same.
Young: No, not same.
Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones: [shocked] Why not?
Young: You need shave.

[first lines]
[Trapper drives a golf ball, which sets off an explosion in the mine field]
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Fore!
[Radar stops in mid-football practice to look out over the hills]
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Here they come!
Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones: I don't hear nothin'.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Wait for it.

Hawkeye: Good evening. Thank you all for coming. I trust you will forgive me for disturbing you at this late hour, but the time has come to unmask the guilty party - the perpetrator of this bad practical joke.
Frank: We know who the guilty party is.
[to Henry]
Frank: Why do you let him ...
Hawkeye: Contain yourself, Dr. Burns! Remember the old adage: "Methinks he doth protest too much."
Frank: Who does he think he is?
Trapper: The Thin Man?
Hawkeye: You dislike me enough to wish me transferred to another base - preferably an enemy base. But let us not forget Major Houlihan. Tough, ambitious, yet greasy Major Houlihan. Why think of only one culprit? Why not a pair of sweethearts in crime?
Margaret: You are sick!
Hawkeye: Still, another colleague resents me because of his consistent losses at the gaming tables.
Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones: The man's a fruitcake!
Hawkeye: And yet you, Lieutenant, also had a motive of jealousy, because I share my affections among the ladies.
Lt. Barbara Bannerman: You told me I was the only one - !
Hawkeye: Ha! Of course, my legendary prowess among the fairer sex was cause for envy on the part of... Dr. McIntyre!
Trapper: Legendary? I've seen you strike out in a geisha house.
Hawkeye: Still, we must remember that the thefts were committed in several places, indicating that the thief had access to the various tents and was perhaps short enough to go unnoticed. There is only one man here short enough to bathe in his own helmet. Right, Radar?
Radar: Me? I'm not short!
Hawkeye: [chuckles] Let us not overlook the possibility of a mastermind who commands others to do his bidding, right, Henry?
Henry: [waking up] Uhh, sign what, Radar? I'm sorry, Pierce. Uh, it's going very well.
Hawkeye: A most perplexing riddle, calling for the most ingenious of solutions. Thus I made it publicly known that there were fingerprints to be found on the stolen articles, thereby tempting the criminal to repeat his crime, and retrieve his ill-gotten booty - or his ill-booten gotty. Which he has done! However, in so doing, he has exposed himself.
[Frank closes his robe]
Hawkeye: Because I took the precaution of treating the stolen articles with hydrochloric-alpha-terracin.
Trapper: What's hydrochloric-alpha-terracin?
Hawkeye: A chemical which is at this moment coloring the culprit's fingernails... blue.