The Best Colonel Wortman Quotes

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: [answering phone] MASH 4077th, Colonel Blake here. When? How? Wow!
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: [curious about the phone call] What is it?
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: [covers phone] Oh, a Korean national on a bicycle, his family, their furniture and a pig made a bad turn and sent one of our ambulances over an embankment.
[on phone]
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Was anyone hurt? Yeah? Yeah.
[covers phone]
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Well, they pulled six business girls out of the ambulance, they're ok, but the General's dead. He's been killed.
[on phone]
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: General Who? Kelly?
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Wow!
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: General Kelly's been killed!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You'd think the girls would have broken his fall!
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Lord, he was just here! Well, what's he doing in an ambulance? I didn't know he was sick!
Colonel: [takes phone from Col. Blake] Colonel Wortman here, General Kelly's aide. Now listen carefully, this is an order. Take the General's body, put it in a Jeep, and drive it up to G sector.
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Uh, sir, there's no fighting there, just diarrhea.
Colonel: [covers phone] I'll provide the fighting.
[on phone]
Colonel: Get on with it!
[talking to Radar again]
Colonel: Get me Kimpo Air base. I want a squadron of jets. And get me the Navy for some offshore bombardment. Major General Robert "Iron Guts" Kelly is gonna perish in a full-scale, blazing, all-out glorious, star-spangled bannered death.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: [walks over to talk to Hawkeye and Trapper] Hey guys.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Yes, Henry.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Is he talking about killing a General who's already dead?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: That's right, Henry.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Well, uh, isn't that sort of crazy?
Colonel: [on phone] And rockets! I want plenty of rockets!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's for the red glare.

Lt. Gen. Robert 'Iron Guts' Kelly: Uh, Colonel Wortman, why don't you go along with Major Burns here and check out the unit's motor pool setup and see how closely it conforms to the Pentagon's new Franistan plan. Give it a good going over... you know, take your time, a couple of hours at least.
Colonel: Yes, sir.
Maj. Frank Burns: Now General?
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Uh, General, what is the Franistan plan?
Colonel: A tremendous Army research project for making crank case oil edible after 5000 miles.

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: General Kelly, I'd like you to meet our very fine head nurse, Major Houlihan and uh Major Burns, one of our finest surgeons, a real killer.
Lt. Gen. Robert 'Iron Guts' Kelly: Major.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: General.
Maj. Frank Burns: General.
Lt. Gen. Robert 'Iron Guts' Kelly: Major.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: And the General's aide, Colonel Wortman.
Colonel: Major.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Colonel.
Maj. Frank Burns: Colonel.
Colonel: Major.
Lt. Gen. Robert 'Iron Guts' Kelly: Colonel.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: General?
Lt. Gen. Robert 'Iron Guts' Kelly: No, no, my Colonel.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Oh, I'm sorry, General. I got it all brass backwards.

Colonel: [He's just awakened Radar] That's not a teddy bear, is it?
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Uh, yes sir. Regulations against having the real kind.

Colonel: What's wrong? Is the general ill?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: He's a little past ill.
Colonel: What are you saying?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He's dead.
Colonel: Dead? Wh - he, he can't be dead!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Look, we both studied dead; this man's dead!
Colonel: Wh - he, he w - he was fine a little while ago. What happened?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Myocardial infarction.
Colonel: What does that mean?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It means his pearl-handled guns are up for grabs now.